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Vi wants to be hurt.
It’s like blood letting; with every bit of physical pain she can feel the guilt leaving drip by drip.
It never fully runs dry, but it becomes so muted that Vi feels almost light when it happens.
Cait and Jinx know that; it’s not hard to find out at all; she is so bad at keeping secrets. They try their best to help her to feel pain.
Candles, bites, whips, slaps with open palms. It works the best when it’s the two of them, the only family she has left, the two people she carries the most guilt for.
But nothing ever stays. It’s never lasting and as soon as it is over and starts to heal, the guilt rears its ugly head again. She wishes they would actually hurt her in ways that can’t be undone, wishes they would break her bones, would burn her skin and rip her flesh.
But of course she never asks them for it. Jinx and Cait can be forceful, they can be dominant, but they would never harm her in the ways she knows she truly deserves to be hurt.
So she trains, throwing punches and kicking the punchbag in the room that Cait remodeled for this very purpose. She ignores how her muscles ache and burn, she ignores that she can barely breath anymore and she ignores that her stomach is empty.
When she feels like her body has given everything it can, Vi finally stops. She doesn’t want to rest, by all means she wishes she could do this until she faints, but she knows that it would worry them.
So instead she grabs her towel, her hands shaking as she gets rid of the sweat pooling on her skin as best as she can and carries her body to the living room. She lays herself down on the couch, face first in the cushions and sighs, wishing she could have a drink. Just bar crawl until she doesn’t know her own name anymore and start a fight with whoever seems strong enough to hurt her truly, without giving her the mercy of death.
She remembers throwing fights back when she was fighting in the pit whenever she had found such an opponent or whenever the shadows seemed to close in a little too much. It was easy to imagine it would be Cait or Jinx who hurt her like that, when she was just drunk enough.
But then Jinx had found her, and there had been Isha and Vander -
Vi’s hands move to her scalp, tugging at her own hair as she starts to scratch at the sensitive skin there, wishing she could rip her own head open.
She had promised to not do it again; get drunk and fight, had to promise it after she found herself one morning on hands and knees crawling through the Kirammans vast gardens like a blind dog trying to find its owner. Jinx had cried, actually cried when they found her passed out on the stairs, Cait had managed to hold onto herself; always so controlled but she also had been the one to wrangle the promise out of Vi; had looked at Jinx and then her and said “Is it worth that?”
And of course it wasn’t. With every bit of guilt she builds up, she wishes more she could disintegrate.
She feels liquid under her nails, she is scratching herself bloody and can’t stop. It takes a pair of clammy hands to gently disentangle her fingers and Vi knows that her sister is giving her best to not panic. She lets her guide her fingers away from her and wonders when and how Jinx had learned to sneak up on her so silently.
It was impressive, she could be so clumsy, so loud and self assured, but when she came for Vi or Cait it was like she turned into a cat. The only situation these days where she would become a silent hunter, overpowering her prey before they can even become aware of her presence.
“It’s okay,” Jinx whispers close to Vi’s ears and she chuckles into the cushions to mask how disbelieving she is.
She can hear Cait’s certain footsteps drawing closer, she wonders if they had waited for her to finish her training. Had they listened to her exhausting herself on the gear?
It took a few seconds, then she felt someone sitting down on her thighs, just at the point where her butt dipped into her legs. Vi found herself wishing, uncontrollably, that Cait would rip away her pants and fill her; dry and brutal, wanting to be stretched and bleeding.
Cait doesn’t, of course. They would never do that to her. They treat her softly even when they indulge her wish for pain, for penance.
“Be good for us, love,” she orders instead, as Jinx's clever fingers hold Vi’s hands. She kneads them slightly, as if she wanted to soothe her older sister, but she knows it's meant to restrict Vi’s movement.
She feels hands on her shoulders, rubbing there, digging slightly into the flesh and muscles and Vi hisses at the same time Cait does.
“You are awfully tense, love,” Cait murmurs above her and VI chuckles again; what an understatement.
Vi has been tense since her parents left for that protest on that gods forsaken night.
Jinx's grip on her hands strengthens and for a moment Vi thinks her little sister is going to say something about that; how she had always taken care of her or how Vi needed to relax. She is not prepared for the way Cait suddenly pushes her fingers into the muscle, almost under the bone and she cries out in pain.
“Stop,” Vi whimpers, but they both ignore her as Jinx now holds her wrists tight.
She can’t stop herself from moaning high and thin and she feels the weight on her thighs shift, Cait is digging into her now and Vi screams like a woman possessed.
Cait switches to her knuckles to apply more pressure and Vi’s muscles feel on fire, like they are being torn apart in a way she wasn’t aware they could.
“Please stop,” she screams into the cushions because she knows massages can hurt but this is not a regular “few coins for a happy end” massage, this is torture.
Still, Jinx and Cait are undisturbed by her reaction, not stopping as Jinx hushes her, “Gods, sis. Have you ever relaxed a single muscle in your life?”
“No!” Vi yells back as she feels Cait rubbing against the muscles in her shoulders with her knuckles, working over every single knot there. Vi wishes she would beat them out instead, she is certain it would be kinder to her.
“Yeah, that seems to be the truth,” Cait sighs above her, clearly giving her best with the way Vi’s entire body is now trying to squirm out of their hold.
“Be a good girl,” she finally warns, stopping for a moment and it’s like a switch clicks in Vi’s mind.
“It hurts,” she whispers into the cushions, feeling tears on her face.
“Good,” say both Cait and Jinx in unison and Vi shouldn’t feel so deeply satisfied with that reaction.
“Always exhausting yourself,” Jinx mutters, her voice having a sharp edge.
Cait leans over Vi’s back, having switched by now to her elbow and finally, finally she can move on from the one spot she tried to exorcise so hard. Before Vi can catch her breath though, she is moving on to the other shoulder and Vi sobs into the pillows.
She doesn’t know how long she is wailing before Cait finally moves on, to her shoulderblades and she doesn’t really care because the agony doesn’t stop and she hears the two of them shushing her again and again as Cait breathes heavily.
Her skin burns, her muscles scream and she can only think how her own wife is doing this to her while her own sister is holding her down, Jinx keeping one hand on the back of her head now. Pushing her into the textile to make sure she can’t struggle too much.
They don’t have Vi’s raw brute strength, but they both possess an incredible amount of knowledge where to restrain her so her power means absolutely nothing. Cait sitting on her thighs in a way that keeps her core firmly planted below her. Jinx holding her head directly where it connects with her neck, so she cannot wiggle out of it.
With every new knot Vi wonders if it is possible to faint from pain like this; she knows she fainted quite well every night the enforcers beat her to pulp in Stillwater but this is different. She deserves this; not because it is good for her but because it is the only way Cait and Jinx can truly hurt her and make it last, she is certain of it.
She is grateful for it.
Every time Cait moves on, Vi feels a little lighter, feels like she is forgiven even if just for a moment. Jinx is lightly scratching and massaging the muscles of her nape; a gentle and reaffirming touch, keeping Vi grounded.
She wants to rip apart like this, she wants her muscles to tear and she wants Cait to dig them out, to pull her into tiny pieces. She wants to die and she wants to live and somewhere between it all her wailing turns into moans, somewhere between her shoulders and her lower back she feels like she is floating.
And it’s the kind of floating she is unfamiliar with, this isn’t dissociating, this isn’t falling from the ground into the void. It is controlled, it is tethered to the two people she loves the most as they break her apart and then put her back together in ways she didn’t know she could exist.
When Cait arrives at her legs, Jinx and her change position. They still press her down into the couch, Vi’s face now in a puddle of tears and her own saliva, shame burning on her face.
They both sit on top of her now, on the jelly that was once her firm back and Cait begins her work by moving Vi’s legs as if she was a doll.
It’s worse than before and it’s better than any kind of pain that Vi could inflict on herself.
Cait is not as throughout there and a small part of Vi’s brain, maybe the last brain cell burning out in an effort to hold it together, wonders where Cait had learned this and when.
She hears Jinx close to her ear now, whispering tenderly, “So good for us. Feels good, right, baby girl?”
This time Vi definitely moans and above her she feels both of them chuckle more than she hears it.
“Say it,” Jinx demands and Vi cries out whatever her brain thinks is confirmation.
Finally, far too soon, Cait releases Vi and gets up. Jinx follows behind, far less willing, so firm on top of her.
Vi is gasping, moving her head to the side to gulp in bouts of fresh air.
She feels like her whole lung is filled with couch fluff and her face is smeared.
Her body is drained and on fire and there is a wet patch between her thighs that makes her close her eyes and pray for unconsciousness.
She feels hands on her again, gentler this time as they lift her up, two sets of hands carrying her like a wounded soldier from the battle field and she swings limply in their embrace. Her back hits a soft surface, she feels pillows and blankets and when she opens her eyes again, she is laying in the unreasonably large bed she shares with Jinx and Cait. When sleep allows for that, anyways.
After exhausting herself with training and getting kneaded into submission she is barely able to think, much less care when Jinx peels off her sport shorts while Cait rolls up her shirt.
“Please no more,” Vi hears herself plead with a slurred voice and closes her eyes as she hears tender laughs above her.
She feels the hot air on her clit and shivers, unable to move away as lips kiss it.
“Holy shit, she is so wet,” Jinx mumbles and Vi feels two fingers enter her slowly. They set a firm but gentle pace and Vi is pretty sure she won’t have long until it becomes too much.
She opens her eyes again to see Cait sitting beside her, her face flushed and her eyes transfixed on Vi’s face while she scratches Jinx’s scalp, keeping her sister’s face pressed against Vi’s core.
“You are so beautiful,” she whispers and Vi would blush if she wasn’t already burning up.
“Both of you,” Cait amends with a little smile as Jinx lets out a little sound of indignation and even Vi has to laugh, a croaky sound from deep inside her.
Her orgasm is forgivingly soft, like a wave it floods through her without any resistance and Jinx stills, letting Vi ride it out without any kind of overstimuli.
Her sister keeps her fingers inside, even when she lifts her mouth from Vi’s clit and leaves a trail of kisses up to her face.
Cait settles beside them, playing with Vi’s hair as Jinx smiles down at her.
She still feels like she is floating, like the whole world is made of cotton. Her body feels weightless, Jinx on top of her is nothing more than soothing touch and Cait holding them is a safety otherwise unknown to her.
Sleep is surrounding her sense before she can grasp fully what happened and it’s a kind of mercy that is so much like death and still so much better.
For a moment in time nothing hurts and Vi is free.