Chapter Text
A bitter wind blew across Springfield cemetery, an early warning of the snowstorm making its way east. Clouds scudded across the grey sky, the bare trees rattling and moving with the breeze, old dead leaves rolling across the brittle grass. Tombstones and monuments stood huddled along the hillside, silent testament to the drama enfolding before them.
“We’re doing the right thing though, you know.” Natalia Rivera wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince more, herself or the woman obviously in pain in front of her. “We are, because it’s the best thing for everybody. Best thing for Frank and Rafe and Emma, for all of us.” A little treacherous voice inside her screamed that if this wedding was such the right thing to do then why did it feel so wrong? Natalia just pushed those thoughts away, stuffing them deep down into the darkest recesses of her heart.
“That is what is important.” Olivia Spencer quickly agreed. She just wanted this day to be over, to get through it all as fast as possible, like ripping a Band-Aid off, and then she could let herself fall apart. She didn’t think that was so much to ask. “That’s what’s important.” Oh, God this hurt so damn much. A little gasp of sadness escaped, before Olivia sighed and looked down, starting to cry harder again.
“If you know that, then why are you crying” Natalia’s heart was breaking, Olivia was in such pain. She took a small step forward, the need to touch Olivia overwhelming, to soothe the hurt, to hold her until the ache went away.
“Because, I’m crying…” Olivia stepped back, knowing that if Natalia touched her she would be lost. She needed to hold in what she desperately wanted to say.
“Because…” Olivia just shook her head, trying to come up with yet another way to change the topic, taking them back to safe ground. “Just…” Get her focused on the wedding Spencer, ok, good plan.
“You should go, you’re getting married, come on.” Olivia stuffed her hands in her pockets and tried to summon some excitement for her friend’s big day, instead of feeling like another funeral she had to attend.
“You should go and try on your dress and sip champagne and look for something old and something new…” She blinked at the building tears, her heart shattering in her chest at the thought of Natalia walking down the aisle and out of her life for good.
“Tell me what’s wrong!” Natalia was getting really worried now and a little angry. This was important, whatever Olivia was going through, and she needed to hear it. Deep down she didn’t dare hope that Olivia felt the same way she did.
“… and something borrowed…” Olivia kept trying not to say what was on the tip of her tongue. Her eyes were burning from the unshed tears, her heart was racing, thundering in her ears, the desire to finally come clean almost overwhelming.
“Just tell…” Natalia grew more panicked as she watched Olivia seem to crumble before her eyes, trying so hard to change the topic, to not discuss what needed to be said between them. They’d been dancing around each other for far too long, it was time to face the music.
“…and something blue. Just go be with your groom. Please, you don’t want to be here…” Tears choked her voice as Olivia started to lose the tight reigns of control she had kept for so long. Natalia needed to be anywhere but here, this was just too hard, she would ruin everything like usual.
“I want to know why you’re upset…” Natalia pleaded with her weeping friend, the tears streaming down the other woman’s flushed cheeks breaking something down deep inside.
“…you don’t want to know!” Olivia Spencer hissed, backed into a corner now, lashing out, trying to protect herself, to protect Natalia from the unwanted knowledge. As hard as letting Natalia go was, not having her in her life at all was unacceptable. If she threw away their friendship, Olivia didn’t even want to contemplate it.
“I do!” Natalia needed to know what was going on with Olivia. She just wanted to take the pain out of the woman’s gorgeous green eyes. She knew she just needed to keep pushing Olivia for the truth. She truly believed that the truth will set you free.
“I’m in love with you!” Olivia exploded, the pent up emotions erupting, desperately needing to come out. Stunned that she had actually said the words that have been on the tip of her tongue for what seemed like forever, Olivia took a shaky step forward.
“I’m in love with you.” Whispered this time, afraid of what her confession would bring and yet so relieved that she had finally said the words. Olivia covered her mouth and waited for the fall out. She waited for the woman she loved to run screaming, cast her away, thrown out of her life forever. What the hell had she been thinking? She knew she should have just kept quiet. This was not something Natalia wanted or needed to hear now, on her wedding day.
Natalia stared in disbelief. And yet she wasn’t surprised, not really. It had been something slowly building, growing between them. She felt it and Olivia obviously felt it. And yet Olivia had pushed her to get married, thinking it was for the best. Shouldn’t she be the one to decide what, or who she wanted?
Frank. God, how could she possibly marry him now? Natalia needed time to think, to process this new and different possibility. It’s one thing to have feelings for Olivia, it’s another to know that they are returned. Olivia stepped forward and grabbed her cold hands, bringing them to her chest and drawing her out of her own jumbled thoughts.
“I’m in love with you.” Olivia smiled sadly. “And that’s why I want you to be with someone who can make you happy and can give you the life that you deserve. And I can’t do that for you!” Olivia squeezed the tiny hands held in her own. She had to make Natalia understand she wanted only the best for her. It was the only thing keeping her sane at the moment.
“Olivia…” Natalia whispered, stepping closer still, eyes tearing. Olivia loved her. That was the only thing still ringing in her ears. That was what was important here, couldn’t she see that?
“Don’t say anything. It’s ok.” Olivia brought the chilled hands to her chest, resting them against her racing heart. Now that she had said the words it was as if a felling of calm had come over her. ” I just… I can’t keep quiet., I’ve stopped myself so many times and I’ve lost my nerve. I’ve stuffed my feelings down, I just can’t do it anymore. Y’know, I say screw it, because this might be my last chance to set the record straight”
“Once you say something…” Natalia started, swallowing hard, knowing that if Olivia was so brave, then maybe it was time for her to stand up as well. She was just so confused and if she was totally honest, afraid.
“You can’t unsay it, I know ok, you told me that.” Olivia looked at their entwined hands, needing to explain as best she could while she had the chance. Who knew if they would ever discuss this again, if she could ever be this honest again? Taking a breath she looked up and met Natalia’s dark eyes, letting herself finally show her true feelings for her.
“Look, I don’t know when this happened I...I just know that somewhere along the way you stopped just being my roommate, and my friend or Emma’s other mommy or the person who gave me Gus’ heart. You became the woman I love.” Olivia paused, heart thundering, still amazed that she could say it finally out loud. And Natalia was still standing there, listening.
“And I know that it’s a sin in your book and I get that.” She noted that Natalia looked away at that point. She swallowed down the hurt and kept going. “And I get that Frank can give you love and security and a home for you and Rafe, and you know what, I could give you a home too, but it would never be as safe as anything Frank can offer you."
“Safe is not the most important thing…” Natalia stared hard, wanting to say so much more yet afraid to take that last step into the unknown, to join Olivia in the deep end of the pool. Her brave Olivia.
“All I can offer you is whispering and cancelled play dates for Emma and tormenting Rafe at a time when he really needs to feel like he can make a fresh start.” Olivia felt her stomach churn, their world was not going to accept this so easily. She needed to spare Natalia and their family this pain, because of her selfish love. No she would not do it to them.
“We’ve survived all the whispering and cancelled dates before and Rafe has survived prison.” Natalia started to realize that maybe this was something she could do. In fact she was beginning to think that this was something she wanted to do. Together they could handle this, together they could handle anything.
“It would be so much worse,” Olivia continued to argue her point, terrified that she would destroy the one good thing in her life. Her love was toxic, couldn’t Natalia see that? “It would just be a world of trouble and I don’t want that for you.”
“We’ve handled trouble before…” Natalia heard the fear in Olivia’s voice, but she also heard the love above all else. She was sure that with time they could figure it all out. They just needed time to process this all.
“You’re going to get hurt. I cant…I can’t live with that.” Olivia stood and watched the emotions flit across Natalia’s face. “I love you, but I don’t know what offering my love will do to you. I’ll ask you to change who you are and what you believe and then that would make this whole thing a lie, wouldn’t it?” Olivia knew that she had the winning argument and as much as she hated saying it, it was the truth.
“Don’t you know how much I…” Natalia stepped forward, she needed to say the words, to hold her friend and explain. She needed to tell this extraordinary woman what she felt too.
“Don’t…” Olivia’s hand touched her cheek and gently wiped away a tear with her thumb. “Don’t say it. Once you say it, you can’t take it back.” She didn’t think she could survive this if she knew Natalia felt the same. It was enough that she had said her piece. Now she needed to make sure that Natalia was happy and safe in a nice normal lifestyle with Frank. And then she could fall apart.
Natalia paused, knowing what Olivia had said was true. Searching her heart though, and seeing how tortured Olivia was, she realized that she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She didn’t want to hide it inside. It was big and messy and didn’t fit into any of her neat compartments, into any of her safe secure little worlds. Natalia’s eyes met Olivia’s and she saw everything she needed staring back at her. It was time to take the only thing she really wanted. It was time to fight for her family. It was time to say what was in her heart.
“Olivia,” Natalia lifted the beautiful face before her, their eyes locking making sure there was no way Olivia would misunderstand. “Don’t you know? I love you too.”
Silence except for the harsh wind blowing around them. And then Olivia sobbed, closing her eyes, and let the words wash over her, like a blessing, breaking down the last wall and setting her heart finally free. Natalia pulled her close, their foreheads touching making soothing sounds. Olivia’s heart pounded, the warmth and love surrounding her, and she let the tears fall slowly down her cheeks.
So wrapped up in the emotions, they almost didn’t hear the beep coming from Olivia’s pocket. Natalia pulled away and looked closer at Olivia. She was pale and drawn but it was cold out. With everything going on lately, she hadn’t been keeping as close an eye on Olivia’s health.
“Olivia, is that…?”
“Damn it!” Olivia pulled the small heart monitor device out of her pocket. Sure her heart was racing a bit, but she felt okay. Well maybe a little light headed but that was probably from all the crying. “I’m fine…”
Natalia didn’t believe her. Shaking her head at her own stupidity, she fished in her pocket for her car keys and made a decision. It felt damn good.
“I’ve finally found you, I am not losing you. Hospital. Now.” Natalia reached out to take her hand.
“Wait, what about the wedding?” Olivia cringed but she needed to make sure, needed Natalia to realize that there was still time to take that road if she wanted.
Natalia just stared at Olivia in disbelief.
“You can’t honestly believe that I’m still going to marry Frank do you?” Natalia just shook her head. Olivia looked down then glanced up, a quiet joy lighting her eyes.
“Ok, now that that is settled. I’m driving, let’s go.” Natalia grabbed her hand and led Olivia from the cemetery, and towards their new life.