Chapter Text
“You know,” Kyo said, looking through his collection of shorts for the right Adidas striped pair to wear that day, “they say dogs are a good judge of character. They can tell if you’re a good person or not.” He was speaking mindlessly, more to himself than anyone else, as he got ready for a day out. He pulled a pair off its hanger, nodding silently to himself in approval as he stepped into them.
Yuchi’s stomach knotted as he looked at the apathetic Pun. She approached Yuchi tentatively, then stretched her front paws out in front of her, bowing to him. In reflex, Yuchi bowed his head and offered her a small “ohayo—u”. Their greeting ended there as Pun practically rolled her eyes and walked away from him, going to Kyo instead.
Kyo, now fully dressed before their date, laid out on his back on the floor as Pun scrambled up his side to lay on his chest and kiss his cheek with tiny licks. Once they were finished with their on-the-dot hourly cuddle session, Kyo got on his knees to dangle his tattooed fingers in front of her face, laughing and looking at Yuchi as she growled and nipped at him in mock-viciousness.
Pun only seemed to tolerate Yuchi’s now frequent presence in Kyo’s apartment. She would coolly approach his hand and give a single sniff before turning her back and trotting away to sit in her spot on the couch, protecting it from being sat upon by an unfamiliar behind again. Yuchi made that mistake a while ago and it seemed she would never forget. It was an unfortunate series of these missteps—accidentally knocking into her food bowl with his foot, petting her delicate tail, spanking her beloved Kyo too hard during one of their sex romps—that obviously made Pun think of Yuchi as an annoying pest rather than a willing friend. Yuchi fisted his hand against his chest with new determination: he had to make Pun like him.
Kyo took Pun from under her arms and held her close to his chest, giving her a snuggle. She stared at Yuchi petulantly—or at least he thought she was looking at him, considering the unfortunate fact that her eyes stuck in different directions, and she often wasn’t quite focusing on anything in particular—as if mocking him for stealing Kyo’s affections so easily.
“I’ve got to put on some sunscreen and then we can head out.” With one last kiss to her head, Kyo placed Pun on the ground and went to the bathroom.
Yuchi knelt with his hands on his knees and desperately tried to get Pun to come to him, waggling his butt and cooing sweetly to her, but she merely stared and huffed at him. He went to the wall, taking a leash from its ornate hanger, and dangled it in front of her enticingly. Pun’s eyes flashed at the sight of the leash, her tongue momentarily disappearing into her mouth as she gazed with interest at Yuchi holding it. She made a low groan, tilting her head slightly.
Yuchi said in a lilting voice, “Wanna go for walkies today, Pun-chan?”
Kyo peeked his head through the doorway of the bathroom, furrowing his brows. “She doesn’t like to be condescended to. Talk to her like an adult.”
Yuchi scrunched his face in derision at Kyo, who returned to applying his face cream. Yuchi looked back to Pun, lowering the leash for her to sniff it. “Do you want to go for a walk today, Pun-san?”
Pun sniffed it and her tail wagged, but as she looked up at Yuchi’s face, her tail slowed and fell. With a small grunt, she turned around and made circles in her bed before throwing herself down with a sigh.
Kyo emerged from the bathroom, and the sight of him caused Pun to bolt out of bed and run around his feet. Kyo got on his hands and knees, patting them, “Pun-chan loves walkies? Pun-chan love her walkies, huh? What a good baby, what a cute baby! Cute little doggie gonna sniff so many things today.”
As Yuchi watched, he said flatly, “You told me to talk to her like an adult.”
“She’s my daughter, she’s always a baby to me. She knows that.” Kyo took her paw, leaning down to kiss it reverently, and stood back up. He opened a small drawer in his massive armoire, picking through dozens of pint-sized dresses and jackets on tiny hangers. On the shelf below was a portable steamer and a small collection of booties for Pun’s delicate feet.
Kyo slid a black one-piece doggie dress off the pink metal hanger, fluffing out the pleats. He then picked out a spiked leather collar to match the silver metal details on his own jacket. Kyo looked at Yuchi and pursed his lips to his nose, saying, “Can I suggest a change?”
“Me?” Yuchi pointed at himself with saucer-wide eyes.
“Can you change your accessories to silver? To match me and Pun-chan? The rest is good.”
Yuchi slid his cuffs off his wrists and unhooked his necklace, laying it on the vanity. Kyo was already hard at work finding a suitable replacement, throwing chains over his shoulder as his hands worked in a frenzy inside his wardrobe.
Getting dressed for a day out was always a spectacle for Kyo, even if he stepped out the door in just a tracksuit, sneakers, and sunglasses. He was meticulous, exact, obsessive, even. It was admittedly one of his more annoying qualities. Yuchi tried to find it endearing, and maybe he did for the first couple of months when he was still looking at Kyo with the eyes of an obsessive and out-of-his-league idiot in love. Six months in, and Yuchi occasionally wanted to take one of Kyo’s many decorative pillows and scream into it.
Kyo took the leash out of Yuchi’s hand and put it back in its place, choosing the black leather one with the silver clip instead. Yuchi should have figured even the leash had to match—how careless of him. Yuchi took the suitable accessories from Kyo’s hands and put them on, finding that Kyo had chosen a choker that looked suspiciously close to the collar Pun wore around her scruffy neck. As Kyo unclasped the leash, Yuchi wondered for a moment which collar Kyo would hook it on: his or Pun’s.
With the snap of metal on Pun’s collar, they left the apartment with Pun leading the way. She strode in front of them, her little ears bouncing as she looked from left to right. At the sound of a can dropping out of a vending machine, her head perked towards it as she inspected the noise, then turned her gaze towards Kyo to alert him. She continued her lookout, searching among the street gutters for anything interesting to sniff or, despite Kyo’s frantic protests, something to quickly snack on, like a leaf or a soaked piece of paper. She would huff in contentment as her tiny legs worked hard to bring them around a corner to her favorite bush: she found half a vanilla biscuit there two weeks ago and knew if she checked every day, she would find one again.
“Where are we even going?” Yuchi looked around him, unfamiliar with the turn they took.
When Pun stopped to look at another dog crossing the other side of the street, Kyo leaned down to adjust her dress, saying, “We've been going on this route a lot lately; it's quieter, I think she likes it. I think she gets upset if I interrupt her routine, so I just let her lead the way, and she always takes me here.”
Yuchi cocked his head towards Kyo, “That sounds familiar.”
“Shut up, it’s good to have a routine.”
Yuchi thought to the previous month when Kyo had too much free time to himself, his schedule not packed every minute with something to keep his mind engaged, and the meltdown that followed. “It is. I’m glad you have one.”
Kyo paused, thinking for a moment. “You know, she’s been good for me. It’s easier to go out with her. I used to always get stuck in my house whenever I didn’t have work commitments. What happened last time—it used to be so much worse without her. Sometimes for weeks I’d stay in; I’d get so depressed I couldn’t leave the house, and then get restless because I wasn’t doing anything, which made me more depressed. A big, shitty cycle. With her—she relies on me, you know? For walks, to go to the bathroom. I have to, for her. She needs me.” He paused thoughtfully, then added, “I need her.”
Kyo stopped to let Pun pee on some flowers. “She’s a bit of a brat, but…” He smiled, “so am I. She’s not really good with strangers, but she’s sweet to people she trusts. Not everyone thinks she’s cute, but I think she’s beautiful. I guess she’s teaching me to like myself a little bit too, even if not everyone else does.”
Yuchi would be the first to admit that he always struggled to compliment Pun when Kyo first got her. Her strange, smashed face, underscored with an underbite, those wall eyes… But as Yuchi watched Kyo glow in pride over her, Yuchi started to understand why Kyo felt so attached.
After a few more stops to let Pun pee on a patch of grass growing through the cracks in the concrete, a small median, and in the middle of the gutter, they finally came to Kyo’s favorite record store. Kyo scooped Pun up in his arms as Yuchi held the door open for them.
The shopkeeper, a tall transfemme older than Kyo and similarly graced with tattoos and a shaved head, exchanged some banter with Kyo for a few minutes before she showed him some new records she had in stock, and all the while Yuchi and Pun swapped awkward stares. As the woman was about to bring Kyo to her new stock, Kyo’s eyes flicked towards Yuchi as he said, “Want to hold Pun while I look?”
At the sound of her name, Pun looked up at Kyo and seemingly understood what was about to occur. She glanced over at Yuchi wearily and heaved a snotty sigh. Kyo picked her nails out of his shirt as she tried to cling to him, then held her out for Yuchi to hold.
Yuchi tenderly took the fuzzy creature into his arms, holding her under the butt and bringing her under his neck where she often liked to nuzzle Kyo. Her feet scrambled against his chest as Kyo walked away, but Yuchi held tight until she finally gave up, going limp in his arms. Pun looked up at Yuchi, then towards the back of the store in nervous realization. She turned her head slowly to look into Yuchi’s eyes, and for a moment his heart thumped at her intimidating gaze.
Yuchi browsed the records as Pun pathetically continued staring at the door where her precious Kyo was, her snout shuddering and a low grumble shaking her entire body.
“He’ll be back soon,” Yuchi assured her, conscious of not baby-talking her like Kyo asked, “don’t worry.”
After some consideration and a few twitches of her nose, Pun met Yuchi’s gaze with wide, weeping eyes. Yuchi smiled at her reassuringly, giving her a pet on the head as he thought maybe she understood him. Pun continued looking at him, then reeled back her head, and, seemingly on purpose, sneezed directly into Yuchi’s face. It was a huge sneeze for such a tiny animal, and she whipped her head back and forth to achieve the greatest reach.
Yuchi squinted against the fine mist of snot blown into his face and tried not to sputter. Keeping his eyes tightly shut, he heard the back door open and felt Pun try to scramble out of his arms. Blindly, Yuchi put a hand to his face and mumbled, “Ah… Kyo… Help…”
Kyo casually reached into his bag and brought out a wet wipe, dabbing Yuchi’s scrunched face delicately. After he finished, he wiped Pun’s face as well, telling her she was a very nasty girl. “I can take her if you don’t want her.”
“No, I can handle her. Even if she sneezes again.” Yuchi was only half-telling the truth, but he hoped the gesture would win him some points with either of them. When Kyo turned his back, Yuchi gave Pun a scolding stare and turned her away from him in his arms.
With a smile, Kyo found the retro-pop tabbed section and fingered through the records. “Ah, look here, Yuchi. Do you have this one?” At Yuchi’s nod, Kyo continued with a look of sweet nostalgia, “I couldn’t stand all this stuff when it was on TV as a kid.” He pulled out a Kudo Shizuka vinyl, looked it over, and tucked it away again. “I wonder how much of that was just jealousy, or hating that I wanted to love it.”
Yuchi looked around the empty store, seeing the shopkeeper with her face in a magazine before saying, “I tried to convince myself that I liked Matsuda Seiko so much because I had a crush on her,” Yuchi’s mouth cracked into a smile, “not that I wanted to be her. My parents thought it was cute, said maybe I’d marry her one day if I were lucky. Wonder what they’d say now.”
“When did you realize?”
The question took Yuchi aback. He went silent, and as Kyo was about to apologize and change the subject, Yuchi went on to say, “Uhh… It took a while... I think I was the last person to know, actually. It’s a little embarrassing to even say how long it took me.”
“The gay part or…” Kyo passed a look at Yuchi’s face, trying to see if he was prying too much. It wasn’t often that Yuchi opened up like this about this subject. He often tried to play it off as a non-issue, but the unease in Yuchi’s eyes told Kyo otherwise.
Yuchi shifted Pun in his arms. “Yeah. That part. I’ve always been attracted to men, but I thought it was always just a fluke, like something was wrong with me when it happened: I was too drunk, I was too lonely, I hadn’t gotten laid in too long. I thought I was straight with a few glitches. Even when I thought of you—” Yuchi paused, turning away in shame, “I thought it was just… misplaced admiration. Like my feelings were so strong that they… misfired? Or that you looked so feminine that it was still okay. I don’t know. I went through so many hoops to get out of admitting it.”
Seeing Yuchi’s face get red and full of guilt, Kyo turned his attention back to the records before asking, “When did you finally admit it to yourself?”
“2015… I started thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad… if I were into men. A few one-night stands turned into always needing someone in bed with me, like all those years of loneliness needed to be made up for. I was desperate. That was the year when I finally said it to myself: well, I’m bisexual, but I’d never ever, ever be romantic with a man. I fucked men, but I didn’t love them. By 2018, I started to realize I had never been interested in women at all. By 2023… maybe I’m not even a man. That part… it’s been too much the last few years, I feel like I can barely even think about it without going insane.”
Kyo tried not to be shocked to hear it: for how supportive Yuchi had been of him, he didn’t often like to talk about this part of himself. He bounced between asking him more and letting him work through it himself, but as the silence grew between them, Kyo couldn’t help but ask, “Why do you think it has been such a struggle for you?”
It took Yuchi several long moments to answer, his face going through a multitude of emotions before he settled on one of reserved acceptance. “I was always too angry to think right. I remember when I found out about ‘herbivore men’—I was furious for a whole week.”
“Why were you mad?”
“I was mad at myself. I never measured up to anyone’s standards, but especially my own. When I was trying to convince myself I was straight I hated how feminine I was.” Yuchi became slightly agitated, flipping mindlessly through the records without looking at them. His strong brows furrowed. “I took all those superficially masculine things about myself—y’know… eating a lot, drinking a lot, liking rough music. I tried to use that to stuff down everything feminine about me. I couldn’t be gay; I love beer and hiking and loud music. It didn’t matter if I liked to watch fashion shows or got crushes on my bandmates, as long as I could deny it with something. Don’t get me wrong, I love those things—I love stuffing my face and getting piss drunk. But I also love makeup and fashion and feeling cute—feeling like a girl. I love men. It took me a long time to realize I could be both.”
His hand stopped at once when he got to the Akina record he had played for Kyo to calm the storm of his mind so many months ago, that same month he admitted to Yuchi what he had been feeling for so many years. With a small sigh, he pulled it out to turn it over in his hand, holding tight as Pun reached forward to sniff the cover. “I held so many stereotypes of what being queer meant. Even when I finally admitted it to myself, I didn’t want to be like one of those guys. The ones me and my friends made fun of: the limp wristed, femme fag. I thought I was better than them. I was so stupid.” Yuchi realized how much he had said aloud just now, and in guilt he ran his hand over his mouth. He kept it there until Pun started to slide out of the crook of his other arm, and he secured her against his chest with two hands.
Kyo decided to test Yuchi’s patience, only to regret the words the moment they left his mouth, “Did you know you were gay when you were with her?”
Yuchi quickly shut it down. “I’d rather not talk about her. You know that already.”
He did know that already. He noticed from the very early years of sukekiyo that Yuchi wore a ring, a simple silver band, and he noticed that it would occasionally go inexplicably missing for a time only to reappear once more. He knew that it only lasted a short while but he kept up the act for the sake of himself and others. He knew that nothing else made Yuchi close up tighter when asked, and that he only told him just enough to satiate Kyo's need-to-know. Kyo went quiet, turning away and apologizing half-heartedly.
Yuchi felt his chest tighten as he saw some of Kyo’s trust slough away in that instant. He hesitated before saying in a small voice, “I think I did know, it was just pushed down too deep. There's still a lot that is there—pushed aside, not thought about. This is one of those things. I don't know if I can face it. Not yet, not now.”
Yuchi gave him only an inch, but Kyo appreciated him for giving even that much.
Filled with guilt, Yuchi said, “Give me more time… to sort it out in my head. I’m sorry.”
Kyo finally directed his gaze back to Yuchi, giving him a soft, comforting smile. “We were both doing our best. I’m glad we are where we are now. I hope you’re proud of yourself even if it took a while to get here.”
Yuchi blinked away tears, raising Pun up to hide his sniffling face. “Agh! Don’t be like that in public! You know it makes me cry.”
“It needs to be said,” Kyo offered him a touch on the arm. “You seem like you’re still beating yourself up over it. It’s not your fault.” Kyo plucked Pun from Yuchi’s hands, and Yuchi wiped his eyes with the back of his hands.
Kyo bought two records—one Showa-era pop record and one skinhead punk record from the 90s—talking with the shopkeeper about grabbing lunch sometime as she rung him up. She was reserved, speaking little in the presence of Yuchi, but occasionally she would throw him a knowing smile and a cock of the head before directing her attention back to Kyo. He wondered for a moment what Kyo had said about him, if anything, to his friends. Would he admit that they were together, or would he want to keep him a secret? Yuchi understood the ramifications of their relationship, but a part of him wanted to be known..
They made a few more stops: clothing, knick knacks, antiques. Kyo must have been a regular at all of them because the store owners always had a treat for Pun and a few lines of gossip for Kyo. They didn't buy anything, instead doing their usual pointing and snarky commenting on whatever caught their eye—bonding through sass and sarcasm.
Leaving another store with another treat for Pun and another friendly send off, they ventured farther and farther from the main street, strolling through a quiet residential block and letting Pun lead the way. Yuchi made sure to occasionally make some kind of contact with Kyo—brushing his hand against Kyo’s and entwining one finger around his for a moment before breaking away, a soft batting of the shoulder, a small push against Kyo’s hips with his own—and soon Yuchi felt starved to touch him. “Kyo, I just want to kiss you right now.”
“Not in public.”
“There’s no one here…”
“Someone could see, Yuchi.”
Yuchi gave up for the time being despite feeling so vulnerable and needy for him. He watched bitterly as Pun stopped every few feet to probe her face into a bush or around a garbage can, and Kyo always patiently waited for her.
As the two of them stood in silence, Yuchi finally broached the question. “When did you realize?”
Kyo’s eyes twitched as he said, “That’s a hard question to answer. It’s not easy to pinpoint a single moment in time. I guess it’s been more like… a series of small realizations over decades. I experimented when I was younger, and I have been with men since 2011 or so… but it never worked out. I tried it out of curiosity, and when it fell through, I thought, ‘Well, that proves it. I’m straight after all.’ I didn’t think the same thing when all my relationships with women crashed and burned, though. Funny how that works.”
A million things ran through Kyo’s mind at once, and he wished he could say everything, instead opting for nothing at first. As he looked at Yuchi, willing to be so vulnerable with him, he couldn’t bear to keep silent in return. Kyo tried to sift through his thoughts, and he continued, “It’s hard, you know—being this way.” Kyo thought for a moment about what “this way” entailed before going on, “Desperate for someone to love me but not willing to trust anyone enough to give them a chance to. I’ve fallen head over heels before only to be completely fucked over. It’s hard to come back from that.” Kyo worried the sleeve of his shirt for a few moments. “I’ve never told you this—but, ah, it was… a guy. He was married. It lasted about nine months between us.”
“I never heard this.” Yuchi paused, “Why?”
“I’m… kind of embarrassed. I was so delusional. He wanted to leave her. For some reason I thought that meant he wanted to leave her for me. That was stupid of me. In the end he left both of us.” Seeing that there was no judgment in Yuchi’s face, Kyo continued with a shivering sigh, “I’d go over, we’d fuck, we’d talk. I’d talk about the future, and I think he placated me just to keep our arrangement going. I got angry sometimes. We couldn’t go out, not just because it was an affair, but, well... I’m affectionate, I guess. I’d like to hold hands and get kissed on the forehead and other embarrassing things like that. Obviously, we can’t do that. If I looked more like a regular girl, or if I weren’t in the spotlight, I kept thinking maybe it would’ve worked. I’m glad now it didn’t, but… I was so angry about it.”
Kyo twisted the leash in his hand, letting it dig into his skin. “He only wanted to fuck me. I had the right parts to fuck but I didn’t have the right parts to love. We couldn’t be together, anyway. Not like this,” Kyo purposefully ran a hand over his cropped hair, gripping into the swirled crown at the top of his head, “and he knew it. He knew it all along. If I were different, you know, if I were something else, then maybe…” He stopped. “None of it made sense. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I never do when I’m in love with someone.”
Yuchi listened intently, never taking his eyes off Kyo as he spoke.
Kyo went on, his words starting to shatter, “I wanted to be loved, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t, I mean—didn’t love me. I thought maybe… if I loved him enough, he’d love me back. It was my fault that he didn’t love me, is what I told myself. I knew it all along—that he didn’t love me. Still, I gave so much of myself, but it was—” Kyo blinked hard as he realized. “—he didn’t want me. ‘Myself’ would never be enough when he didn’t want me.” He stopped to gather himself. “I knew it was over even when it had just begun. It would never work. Everyday I was waiting for it to end. I still thought, maybe, maybe, maybe… There was a chance. I was so stupid.”
Yuchi couldn’t help himself from saying, “He was an asshole.”
Kyo smiled bitterly. “He was. I just felt bad that I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I didn’t really have any serious relationships after that, for… well…” He looked at Yuchi.
“When was this?”
“2015.”
Yuchi’s mind went to sukekiyo, to all those days that year they spent rehearsing and recording and performing, and yet he knew nothing of what was happening with Kyo. Maybe if he had paid more attention, he could have helped him. What an idiot he was. He should have asked. He noticed the shift in his lyrics. He should have said something. “I’m sorry, I had no idea. I wish I had known; I would’ve helped you.”
“It’s okay,” Kyo said quickly, “I didn’t want anyone to know. I was devastated for a long time, but now I’m mostly just pissed off. At the very least I had quite a few great ‘spite outfits’ to get back at him. I wonder if he saw the pearl bralette.” He went silent. “I get lonely really easily; I want someone I can love and who will love me back, unconditionally, but…” Kyo blinked hard and scratched under his neck as his mouth started to twist into a deep frown, “Well, I don’t make it easy for people to love me, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… I’m hard to love.”
“That’s not true.” Yuchi blurted, stunned for a moment by his reactive response. Seeing Kyo’s face soften, he doubled down, “That’s not true at all. It’s so easy to love you.”
There was a momentary acknowledgement in Kyo’s eyes, but he quickly averted his stare to the ground.
Without thinking, Yuchi grabbed Kyo’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I know you don’t believe it in words.” He ran his thumb over the top of Kyo’s hand, then leaned over until his head rested against Kyo’s. His cheek rubbed against his hair, and he felt the tiniest tilt in Kyo’s posture that signaled that he wanted a kiss. Yuchi turned his lips and kissed his forehead, brushing the short, black hair out of the way so he could lay his kisses over his barbed wire crown.
“Yuchi…” Kyo broke away, turning his head, “Someone might see.”
“There’s no one here.” Yuchi looked up, seeing an old woman tossing her garbage, “Well, except her. Do you think she knows sukekiyo?” Kyo’s mouth hesitantly twitched into a smile, and Yuchi nudged his ear with his mouth, saying, “Kiss me?”
Kyo closed his eyes as he angled his head up for Yuchi to lay his lips over him, but as he waited a few moments for those familiar lips to touch, he felt nothing. Opening one eye, he saw Yuchi hovering close but not moving towards him.
“I asked you to kiss me.”
Kyo stood on his toes, pursing his lips right as Yuchi pulled away teasingly.
“You said you like embarrassing things… How’s this for embarrassing?” Yuchi squeezed Kyo in a crushing embrace so he couldn’t get away, and he peppered loud smooches all over the top of his head. Kyo’s squirming only made Yuchi leave more of his mark—pink tinged lip prints from his tinted balm—as he traveled lower to start assaulting Kyo’s face with kisses.
As Yuchi released him, Kyo burned bright red and looked at him with a sharp gaze, and for a moment Yuchi thought he was furious. In a desperate bid to remedy his anger, Yuchi said, “I want you to know that I’m not embarrassed by you. If we didn’t have to think about the stupid label, the stupid press, stupid fans, I’d kiss you anywhere—everywhere.”
Kyo’s face stayed twisted, and he shook off his surprise like a dog leaving the water. Pun followed with a small shiver of her own, licking her lips in anxiety as she kept a close eye on the person humiliating her beloved Kyo. As the initial surprise dissipated, Kyo looked at Yuchi with wide eyes, trying not to tear up at the gesture. “Thank you.”