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“You know, this is the weirdest kidnapping I have ever been a part of,” Tony admits, looking up from his phone, where he had been tweaking his suit’s latest schematics.
“I am not sure this really counts as a kidnapping,” Gamora says, frowning slightly over the rim of her cup. “You came quite willingly.”
“I wouldn’t say I came willingly.”
Gamora’s expression remains disbelieving. “You saw that I had crash landed on your planet and offered to help me fix my ship. Then, when I mentioned that I was looking for the Man of Iron at the behest of the Mad Titan, you told me that was you, packed a bag, and insisted on coming with me even though I offered you a chance to escape as a boon.”
Okay, when she said it like that, it sounded like the sort of thing that made Pepper and Happy turn red with fury (and Rhodey and Fury, but they didn't really turn red; they-) and ended up with him being shouted at.
“I mean, it was bound to happen any way,” Tony reasons. “I might as well make things easier for everyone involved by coming with you instead of waiting for the disaster that was bound to occur if I just sat tight and waited.” He pats his bag. “This way at least I’m prepared for almost everything.”
“I still don’t understand why you chose to come willingly,” Nebula says, a frown on her face. “Or why you chose the two of us as your... guards.”
“I’m in my Helen of Sparta era,” Tony explains. “Also, you were the only non aesthetically painful members of Thanos’ personal guards, which automatically makes you part of the main cast.”
The two of them blink at him, and Tony mentally sighs.
Originally, his plan had been to just come and chill with the Mad Titan Loki had told him so much about until the cavalry arrived and killed him off (or until Tony got bored and killed the man himself; he was very good at being a damsel in distress, but he was even better at being the hero of the story). But then he had met Gamora and Nebula, and they had threatened him and glared at him, and he realised their father wasn’t shit, and now he was attached.
Rhodey was probably going to be elated about having two new nieces, but he was sure Pepper was going to have something to say about it. She always had stuff to say about the things that made Tony happy, she was such a harpy (and he said this with affection).
Then again, Rhodey might get annoyed if he realised Tony had allowed himself to be kidnapped on purpose.
But really, what was he supposed to do when the chance dropped in his lap in the form of an alien not-relative of Thanos in need of a mechanic’s help?
SHIELD and SHIELD-affiliated members of the Avengers were acting all stupid about the possibility of Invasion pt. 2 (tagline: ‘this time without a puppet general who is lowkey (AH!) not even trying!’): what better way to prove himself right than going directly to the source?
Thanos had been quite surprised to see the man he had apparently issued an intergalactic non Islamic fatwa on walking on Titan with his daughter. They had had a lovely chat that had told Tony little on whether the creature wanted him, wanted him dead, or wanted him carnally – yuck! – but a lot on his plans to totally destroy Earth and the non-Earth parts of the universe as soon as he and his army got there.
Something about colourful rocks of infinite power and failed economics classes, Tony had been too busy recording as many ‘I told you so’ reaction videos as possible to actually bother listening.
Because, as usual, he was right. In Steve Rogers’ face!
“Who is Helen of Sparta, and why are you in her era?”
“Oh,” Tony says, putting his phone down. Surprisingly, Thanos had been too confused by Tony’s... well, everything, to even consider asking him to turn in his belongings. Or maybe, he was under the impression that if he treated Tony well enough, he would choose to join him in his path to universal genocide? Tony remembered hearing something about 'two sides of the same coin' in the man’s soliloquy, but he did not really make it a habit of paying attention to ugly people.
Hm… could this be why Aldritch Killian had tried to kill him?
Who knew, Tony had certainly not be listening to the man’s arguments. He vaguely recalled something about an early mouse, and that was about it.
“It’s a reference to this Greek lady who once ended up in a similar situation to mine,” he explains. “Kinda. Hers was much more interesting, I’m sure Paris was hotter than Thanos will ever be.”
“Paris?”
“Right. So basically, one day these three goddesses - Aphrodite, Athena and Hera - were hanging out, doing hot girl shit. This messy boots by the name of Eris – Discordia, if you’re into Roman plagiarism – saw them having fun and was like ‘not on my watch’. So, she sent them an apple with a little note attached that said ‘for the fairest’.
“You can imagine the ruckus this caused.”
“No, not really,” Nebula says.
“Yeah, you probably wouldn’t,” Tony says, nodding. “What with your dehumanisation throughout the years and Thanos’ general lack of compliments. Okay, imagine you and your not-siblings are chilling and someone drops an apple that says ‘for the strongest’. Wouldn’t you all fight about who it is for?”
“No,” Gamora and Nebula say at the same time.
“I am obviously the strongest,” Gamora adds, to which Nebula nods – even though she does not look happy about it.
“Okay, imagine it says ‘for the strongest not-Gamora’.”
“It would be me,” Nebula says. Gamora nods in agreement.
“... The strongest non Nebula and non Gamora?” Tony tries.
This gives them both pause. “It depends,” Nebula says. “Sometimes it’s Proxima, sometimes it’s Maw. Sometimes Corvius beats them both.”
“They would argue about it,” Gamora says. “And fight to prove who is the strongest.”
“Exactly,” Tony agrees. “That was the goddess trio. Obviously, you can’t fight to prove who’s the prettiest, so instead they went to Paris, who was this annoying shepherd who lived on a mountain – with a wife, mind you, but whatever.
“They went up to him, and were like ‘Paris, please choose who the prettiest among us is’. Then, because Gaia forbid they had a fair competition, they decided to bribe him.”
“I don’t see how this has to do with Helen of Troy and you,” Nebula complains.
“I’m getting there, don’t rush me,” Tony scolds. It says a lot of their several hours long relationship (or days? weeks? time in space is really weird) that she doesn’t even go for her sword at that (or maybe she’s just really nosy). “Hera is like ‘choose me, and I’ll make you King’. Athena promises to make him a genius. And Aphrodite tells him she’ll give him the most beautiful woman in the world for a wife.”
So ridiculous. Such obvious bribes would have had no hold on Tony: he was already as powerful and rich as a King, was a veritable genius, and as for the wife? Why marry the most beautiful woman in the world when he already was the most beautiful woman person in the world?
Paris should have just picked Hestia and been done with all of it.
“He chose the wife,” Gamora guesses, unimpressed.
Tony nods. “He chose the wife. Who so happened to be a beautiful lady called Helen of Sparta and who, mind you, was already married. As was he.”
“Adultery,” Nebula says with a gasp, and it really says a lot about Thanos’ way of life, the fact that she knows what the word means but did not understand other simpler concepts.
Genuinely, what was the man’s curriculum and what was the Department for Education planning on doing about it?
“Now, depending on the version you hear, Paris kidnapped Helen, or she chose to go with him willingly. I choose to believe that, just like me, she was forcefully abducted from her home.”
Gamora frowns. “But you came willingly.”
Tony ignores her. “So yeah, Thanos is the ugly-bald-annoying-boring-idiot version of Paris to my Helen.”
“I see,” Nebula says, though she still looks dubious. “If you believe she was abducted, how did she escape? How will you? Thanos might not be as good looking as idiot-Paris, but he is capable.” She looks genuinely worried for him. “Nobody has ever escaped him.”
Tony waves her off. “Helen didn’t need to escape. She’s a pretty girl with a loving husband who obviously came for her as soon as he realised she was gone.”
“You are married?” Gamora asks, looking alarmed. “Thanos will not take that well.”
“Depends on who you ask,” Tony says, mysteriously. “Anyway, Helen? She was obviously locked down with this guy called Menelaus.
“Thing is, Helen was, at the time, the most beautiful woman alive. Because of this there were a lot of people who wanted to marry her.
“To make sure all the people who wanted her didn’t kill each other or themselves, this lying dude by the name of Odysseus decided to use his one truth of the year to propose an oath. The oath being ‘let’s let Helen choose and, matter of fact, we will not only respect her decision, but also we will protect the winning guy if someone tries to kill him or someone steals Helen from him’.”
“Why would he propose this?”
“Because Odysseus might be a liar, but he’s not an idiot,” Tony explains. “Also, Helen was not the only girl getting married that day – there was also Helen’s sister Clytemnestra, and her cousin Penelope, and Odysseus wanted Penelope.
“Anyway, Helen chooses Menelaus, Clytemnestra is chosen by Menelaus’ brother – an asshole called Agamemnon – and Penelope gets Odysseus.”
“I see,” Gamora says, realisation dawning. “So when the foolish stupid Paris stole Helen, the men who wanted her came together to rescue her and kill Paris.”
“Correct,” Tony says, quite pleased. He’s never been a big fun of literature, but has always been a big fan of the concept of being the reason a whole war started, so he loved to see Helen getting her recognition.
“Important to note: Helen was from Sparta, which is a part of Greece. Almost everyone who wanted Helen was also from Greece. Meanwhile Paris was from Troy. So, when they realised Paris had stolen Helen, Agamemnon called on the oath because he lowkey just wanted to get all of the riches from Troy.”
“Like a filthy Ravager!” Nebula says, sounding annoyed.
Tony wasn’t sure if that was a slur or a job title, so he just shrugged. “If you say so.
“Agamemnon decided to piss off his wife – who did I mention was actually already married? She was originally married, and he killed her husband and her child, and stole her for himself, the asshole. And as if this wasn’t enough, he decided to kill their daughter Iphigenia because there was no wind (and they needed wind to get their ship from Aulis to Troy). And, possibly, because he was a dick.”
“How awful,” Gamora says, looking shocked. “Not even Thanos would murder his own child.”
They fell silent, all three of them feeling, for a moment, as if someone (or an orange stone shaped something) was making a joke at their expenses, and then Tony went back to the story.
“They got their wind and, after a lot of trials and tribulations, arrived at Troy. There were a lot of them, among which the biggest liar on Earth, Odysseus, sexy and deadly King Diomedes, Mr 'no bitches' Menelaus, dilf-y Nestor, homosexual Patroclus, and his not-boyfriend, even-more-homosexual Achilles - the strongest fighter in all of Ancient Greece.”
“He’s a Terran,” Gamora says, unimpressed. “How strong can he be?”
“I want to challenge him in battle,” Nebula says. “I don’t believe he’s that strong.”
Tony realises he might have given them the impression that this is him telling them something that really happened. Seen as he is now in too deep to correct himself, he makes a note of giving Steve Rogers a Greek era costume and send him to play with his future new daughter.
It will be payback for the man not immediately believing everything that came out of Tony’s mouth and taking it as the gospel.
“Problem is, Troy wasn’t made of idiots. Just idiot-Paris, and a bunch of actually semi-competent people capable of building a wall to surround the city and keep them safe.
“So, for ten years, they sort of all lived on each side of the wall, fighting every now and again, without either side really winning. Agamemnon spent his time being an asshole and harassing priestesses and slave girls, causing plagues, and offending the gods. Achilles was busy being a total princess and possibly having charged homo romantic tensions with Patroclus - at least up until Patroclus decided to steal Achilles’ drip during a fight and was immediately murked by fine shit Hector of Troy. Obviously Achilles got mad and murdered Hector right back, even going so far as attaching the man’s dead body to his carriage and drag him across the ground in front of his dad, mom and wife as he circled Troy because god forbid gay people mourn normally. And then Achilles got killed because Apollo was feeling petty and made sure Paris’ – yes, good for nothing Paris, you cannot tell me that shit wasn’t personal – arrow hit the man’s weakest point, his Achilles' heel.” Tony rolls his eyes. “It’s literally called his Achilles' heel – shouldn’t he maybe wonder why?”
He did not care that the name had come later. Achilles – and his mother, matter of fact, cause why wouldn’t she just submerge her hand too? She was already immortal, it was like she wanted her son to have an Achilles' heel – should have foreseen this.
“What about lying Odysseus?” Gamora wondered.
“He spent his time lying, scheming, framing others for crimes they did not commit, and having a suspicious gay situationship with Diomedes – even though, and I say this for the nth time today, both of them were married.” The Greeks and their open-but-only-on-one-side marriages. “Possibly. The entire thing is much more horrific if you look at it from the point of view of Briseis and the other slave girls.”
“What is a slave?”
Tony stares at the two girls for a beat. “A possibly human concept only that I am not sure I am willingly to share with you just yet least you side with Thanos re- destroying humanity and starting all over again,” he decides.
“Anyways, at one point after ten years Odysseus decided to try giving the Trojans a gift in the form of a huge ass wooden horse. It’s an animal on Earth, hold on–” He picks up his phone and finds a picture of a horse he had previously saved on his phone (he had been discussing the whole ‘Sleipnir’ thing with Loki) (the man had not appreciated any part of said discussion, but he had taught Tony a number of Aesir swear words).
Both women drew back, looking grossed out. “It’s ugly.”
“They are hell creatures,” Tony agrees. “Point is, they made a fake huge one and left it on the beach for the Trojans and went back to their ships. The trojans opened their doors, checked to see the Greeks were gone and were like ‘hey, the people who have been trying to murder us for ten years have left us a gift in the form of a big wooden horse that can totally fit people inside of it! let’s take it inside!’”
“Are you sure that Paris is the only dumb person from Troy?” Nebula asks, surprised.
“In their defense, nobody had ever done something like this before. Also, remember Athena and Hera? They were on the Greeks' side, alongside a couple of others. I do not have the time to explain the concept of Greek gods and goddesses right now, but they are champions of pettiness, confusion and being annoying.”
“Still,” Gamora says, frowning. “Nobody thought it suspicious?”
“A chick called Cassandra did,” Tony offers. “She was cursed by Apollo, though – you know, the bitch who used Paris’ dumb ass to kill the most powerful of the Greeks? Bastard – to know the future but never be believed by anyone when she told them about it.”
“This Apollo is starting to become rather annoying,” Nebula says. “Is he alive? Might I fight him?”
“You know, I would have said no, but like... Thor and Loki are alive, fine and dandy,” Tony says, pausing for a second. “I wonder if they, like... heard everything I have ever thought and said about them. And Thanos is a Titan... Much to consider.”
He made a note to question Thor about it and, if he ran into them, to let Nebula and Gamora handle it. He was sure he was shiny, smart and pretty enough that he’d get Athena and Aphrodite’s support, and that meant he’d at least survive.
“Anyway, Cassandra was like ‘I am hearing giggling and plotting inside that horse’, and the Trojans were like ‘shut up, Cassandra, you’re always trying to ruin the vibe’. Which makes me wonder if I am part Cassandra, cause I have been telling the SHIELD and SHIELD-Adjacent members of my team about Thanos and they all thought I was ruining the vibe and did not believe me. That would explain so much.”
“Would it?”
“It would. Later that night lying scheming Odysseus got everyone together for an inspirational speech and was like ‘Alright, my brothers, listen closely: tonight we make the Trojans pay! Ten years of war, they've killed us slowly... But now we'll be the ones who slay! Think of your wives and your children; your families wonder where you've been! They're growing old and yet you're still here... Do what I say and you'll see them again,’ and they were all like ‘Yes, sir!’, so he got everyone out and was like ‘Diomedes will lead the charge, Agamemnon will flank the guards, Menelaus will let our men through the gates to take the whole city at large; Teucer will shoot any ambush attack, and Little Ajax will stay back. Nestor, secure Helen and protect her; Neo, avenge your father, kill the brothers of Hector’.”
Gamora’s eyes narrow slightly. “Why do I feel like you stole that melody from someone?”
Again, Tony ignores her. “Anyways, they find Helen, and Menelaus – who, mind you, spent the entirety of the war saying he was going to kill Helen for abandoning him – came in all angry, just for her to bat her eyelashes once and him immediately crumbling.”
“Pathetic,” Nebula says.
“No, she’s just that powerful,” Tony explains. “In this world, it’s important to be strong. But it’s also important to be pretty enough you can command the strongest of generals and fighters.”
“Which is what you are?”
Tony beams. “See? You guys are getting it.”
“What of Paris?” Gamora then asks. “What happened to him?”
“Oh,” Tony says. “A little after he shot Achilles with an arrow he was shot with an arrow. Except his was poisoned, and the only person who could save him from the poison was, ding ding, his first wife.”
“Ah!” Nebula says, chuckling. It’s the first time Tony has ever seen her look so genuinely amused. “It is as he deserves. She left him to die?”
“She left him to die,” Tony agrees.
“That is the most amusing part of the entire tale,” Nebula says, still chuckling.
Gamora, at her side, looks a little more thoughtful. “Thanos has no previous wife. But, if he is Paris, and you are Helen, and you were willingly abducted to another place, and have countless of suitors, does this mean–”
The alarm starts ringing before she is even done talking, and Tony winks.
Hopefully it wouldn’t take them ten years and a horse.
+++
It takes them almost ten hours.
Or maybe it’s ten minutes.
It’s hard to tell, time in space makes no goddamn sense, Tony doesn’t even have any real awareness of how long he’s been on Titan.
At one point, when the fight had started to get really loud, Gamora and Nebula had wanted to join in, but Tony, as a big proponent of always siding with the winning team, had dissuaded them.
He was 98% sure the Earth side was going to win, but just in case they didn’t, it was better to have plausible deniability so that they wouldn’t be tortured for joining the losing side.
Just like Helen had done.
So, instead of letting them go and do that, he spent his time sharing face masks with them while he gave them the list of people in his life so that they would better be able to narrow down who the Menelaus to his Helen was.
“I mean, there’s the whole plot point of Menelaus being an idiot, lowkey, who thinks with his dick instead of his head, and of him having a brother that is, literally and metaphorically, a dick,” he points out, as they are all bent over the screen in his hands. “Take off Steve Rogers because he’s ugly, blond, and he sucks, and take off Clint Barton because god forbid. Natasha Romanoff is obviously Odysseus because she’s not supersmart, but she loves lying as much as he does, and she would probably figure out a way to outsmart Polyphemus and Circe. Then again, Natasha Romanoff is also not stupid enough to tell the cyclop she had outsmarted her name, surname, DOB, social security number, and permanent address. It would not have taken her ten years to get home either – ten weeks maximum.”
“I mean, you have no sister like Clytemnestra,” Gamora says.
“I wish,” Tony sighs. “Can you imagine how iconic it would be to wait ten years for your evil hubby to come home and then, as soon as he shows up, you are all like ‘mad about you killing our daughter? Darling, please! Perish the thought! Now, how about you get into this warm bath I prepared you and relax in here while giving me your back the entire time’, and then club him to death with your new beau who just so happens to be his cousin?”
So chic.
Then again, she had killed Cassandra for no real reason – it wasn’t as if Cassandra had wanted to be a slave trophy – and basically kickstarted the whole Oresteia and became half of the reason there was something called the ‘Electra complex’.
Messy.
“How about the first man who shows up here to save you is Menelaus?” Nebula asks, taking off her sheet mask. Tony opens his mouth to protest, but she has her sword in one hand and is pointing at the door. “Someone is coming.”
There are several interpretations on who found Helen first and how they behaved when they saw her, but Tony has never been one for Literature and faithful literary retellings.
Instead, he also takes off his mask and quickly pats his face dry before affecting his most pained and heartbroken expression.
Gamora looks at him, perplexed. “What are you doing now?”
“Proving to myself - and to everyone who's ever doubted the power of a pretty person's pout - that men who are not me are weak,” Tony says, just as the door slams open.
“Tony!” Rhodey calls out, taking a step forward and pulling down the helmet off his face. His suit is covered in yucky space gore and he looks tired and frantic, but his face immediately breaks when he spots him. “Oh thank god, I was so–”
“Rhodey!” Tony calls out, rushing to throw himself at his best friend. Rhodey manages to catch him without hurting him despite the armour. “Oh, thank goodness you’re here, I was so scared!”
“Menelaus?” Nebula asks Gamora, frowning at her sister.
Gamora shrugs, while Rhodey’s expression goes from relieved to immediately suspicious.
“Meneleaus?” He gives Tony a look, though he makes no move of putting him down. “You are no Helen.”
“How many ships are out there?” Tony asks, in his most innocent voice.
Rhodey makes 'Annoyance number 3', the face he always pulls when Tony has made a point but he doesn’t want to admit it because he hates the point that has been made.
“Come on,” Tony urges. “Don’t be shy. I imagine Asgard is here, and maybe... Loki’s Ice people?”
“Asgard,” Rhodey agrees, after another second of silently glaring. “Jotunheim. Then Loki and Thor got Vanaheim, Alfheim and Nidavellir.”
“Mhm,” Tony says, nodding. “So like hundreds of ships from there. And how many from Earth? Tell us, Rhodey, how many countries discovered or learnt space travel in record time to come and rescue me?”
Rhodey’s annoyed bitch face grows. “... NATO.”
“Mh-hm?”
“SHIELD. HYDRA.”
“Wait, HYDRA?”
“The Red Room. The Ten Rings. Wakanda.”
“What the hell is Wakanda?”
“Atlantis.”
“Atlantis is real?”
“Ta-Lo. And a bunch of other countries including Russia, China, France, India, Italy, Brazil, and both Koreas.”
“Wow,” Tony says, totally not smirking full of satisfaction. “So, would you say, somewhere around a thousand ships?”
“Fine, Tony,” Rhodey says, with a long sigh full of pain and suffering. “You are a little bit like Helen.” When Tony whoops, Rhodey’s eyes fix on the two aliens behind him, a small frown on his face. “Though Helen, as far as I know, wasn’t kidnapped, and she didn’t end up adopting any of the Trojans.”
“She was totally kidnapped,” Tony protests. “Who falls in love with a random faraway prince within minutes of meeting him and joins him to a whole new country?”
Rhodey stares at him.
Tony stares back.
Rhodey continues to stare at him.
He stares at him for a very long time.
“I will go with Loki,” Tony warns.
Rhodey scoffs, but he does stop giving him that look (and he does hold him a little tighter).
... Until they get on Earth. Once on Earth, various footage is reviewed, and suddenly Tony is getting shouted at for willingly going with Gamora, and ‘do you know how worried we were, Tony?!’ (his pout does not, unfortunately, work on Happy, Pepper, or Fury).
Gamora and Nebula do protect him from the worst of the shouting and mean comments. And Tony gets to shove his ‘I told you so’ in SHIELD and the SHIELD-Adjacent camp’s faces.
Happily ever afters all around.