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You’d think, after four years, Leonard would have learned that he should never make assumptions when it comes to Jim. Especially when those assumptions stood in the way of something that Jim wanted.
To be fair, this particular assumption had more to do with Leonard than with Jim, and it had had years to get thoroughly entrenched into his psyche. The fact that it was the primary reason why Leonard had never told Jim how deep his feelings ran, the reason that he’d always pretended obliviousness when Jim made overtures, was almost beside the point. But only almost, because Jim had finally gotten tired of the tactical approach and had cornered Leonard and insisted he explain why he’d been ducking Jim’s advances.
“I know you know I want to be with you,” Jim said bluntly. Leonard sighed and dropped down onto the couch in his quarters. Jim sat next to him and they half turned towards each other. “And when you turn a blind eye, you’re not irritated or indifferent, you’re sad. If you want to be with me, too, then why don’t you just say yes?”
“It’s not that simple, Jim,” Leonard said, already tired.
Jim’s mouth quirked up at the corner. “Nothing worth doing ever is. But we can figure out a hell of a lot between us, if you’d just let me get an eyeball on the problem.”
Leonard snorted. “Not a lot you can do about a lack of basic biological compatibility.”
Jim just laughed at that. “I’ve slept with a pretty good spread of aliens, Bones. Even if you weren’t human, you can do a lot of good work with hands and mouths.”
“I’m sure there is,” Leonard said dryly. “But that’s not what I meant.” He leaned forward and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “Looks, it’s a question of libido.”
Jim’s expression hardened. “If you’re saying you think I can’t handle monogamy--”
“No!” Leonard interrupted sharply, because Jim has taken too much shit over his sex life for Leonard to ever be willing to put himself in that camp. “If you meet someone that you want that with, I don’t doubt you’d be entirely satisfied with a single partner.”
“I have met someone I want that with,” Jim said. The quiet sincerity made Leonard’s heart ache. “So what’s the problem?”
“I don’t doubt you’d be satisfied with a single partner,” Leonard repeated, “if that partner could keep up with you.” Jim still looked confused, so Leonard forced himself to go on. “Look, Jim, you like sex. A lot. In a relationship, you’d want regular sex with your partner and I just…” Leonard shrugged awkwardly and dropped his eyes to his hands, “don’t.”
Jim was quiet for a minute. “So are you a sex-repulsed asexual, or just indifferent?” Leonard looked up at him in surprise and Jim rolled his eyes. “With my social life, you think I don’t know the right words?”
Leonard huffed a laugh. “I guess I should know better. But to answer the question, neither. I’m not entirely asexual, I just a have a really low libido.”
“How low?” Jim pressed. “And are there things that you like better than others?”
“Jesus, Jim,” Leonard snapped. “Why does it matter?”
“Because I want to know what I’m working with here,” Jim said impatiently. “If you only want sex twice a year, that’s a whole different coping strategy than if you’re up for it once a month. Ditto if it’s just penetrative sex you don’t like. I’m pretty fucking flexible, Bones, and I am capable of entertaining myself. I’d rather have rare special occasion sex with you than routine sex with someone else.”
For a moment it was like all the air had left the room. Jim hadn’t said the words, but that was a pretty clear declaration of love as far as Leonard was concerned. “You’re serious?” His voice cracked a little and Jim’s impatient expression softened.
“Yeah,” Jim said. “I am. So come on, give me intel here.”
Leonard let out a long breath and straightened up, then turned to face Jim more directly, leaning a little on the back of the couch. “It’s a little weird,” Leonard admitted, and something in his chest unclenched at the chance to properly explain this, for once. “I’ll see someone and be attracted, and I mean really attracted. Kissing is great. Even a little making out is good. But then we get to what’s supposed to be the good part and,” he waved a hand, “nothing. It’s like my arousal gets up to a certain level and then just… plateaus. I’ve never felt that need to come that people talk about.” Leonard stopped, an old shame welling up from a deep hurt that had never healed. He didn’t want to talk about it, but this was Jim, asking because he wanted Leonard that much. “Sometimes I don’t come at all. Jocelyn used to say it was worse than if I couldn’t get it up to begin with.”
Jim scowled at the mention of Jocelyn, but Leonard could see him setting that aside. “Is it a mental thing?”
Leonard shook his head. “Not as far as I can tell. When anxiety is the problem, the physical response is there before the brain shuts it down. I, ah, monitored myself a few times. Medically. I just don’t respond like that. I don’t even have erotic dreams, not really.”
“Huh.” Jim looked thoughtful. “And it’s the same no matter what kind of sex you have?”
Leonard nodded. “Handjobs, blowjobs, penetrative sex, it’s all pretty much the same. After awhile I just kind of gave up trying. Didn’t feel like I was missing much.”
“But you like orgasms when you have them, right?”
“Sure.” Leonard gave Jim a look. “That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get infuriating if I’m constantly chasing after them and usually not getting them,” he said pointedly.
Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m not that kind of asshole, Bones. You have any idea how often you think you’d enjoy one?”
Leonard paused, stymied. “I’m honestly not sure,” he admitted. “At the beginning, with Jocelyn, we went to bed every couple of nights and I came more often than not, though it wasn’t anything to write home about. By the time we stopped having sex altogether, there was so much baggage attached to the act that giving it up was a relief. It took me more than a year before I so much as tried jerking off again.”
Jim winced. “Been with anyone since then?”
“No. Just didn’t seem worth the effort.” Leonard took a moment to look at Jim in a way he hadn’t bothered to look at anyone in a long time. Loving Jim and wanting Jim weren’t the same thing, and he’d been too certain it could never work to bother waking up his feeble, slumbering libido. But Jim was gorgeous, and now that Leonard was looking, he could feel the stirring of a long-ignored attraction. “Not until now, anyway.”
Jim smiled slowly and the flicker of interest Leonard felt grew stronger. “I can work with that,” Jim said, sliding closer on the couch. Jim leaned in and Leonard felt a sudden stab of anxiety, but he could tell right away that kissing Jim was good. The surge of relief was almost as good as arousal, and Leonard deepened the kiss. Jim made a soft sound of pleasure, a beautiful sound. One kiss led into another and another and they crowded closer to each other. Leonard was enjoying the happy, quiet hum of pleasure right up until Jim shifted again and he realized that Jim was hot and hard and throbbing… and Leonard wasn’t. Not entirely soft either, but certainly not raring to go. He stilled.
It only took a second for Jim to notice and break the kiss. “Hey,” he said, one hand on Leonard’s cheek. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just--” Leonard broke off and let out a frustrated huff. “You’re clearly ready for more, and I’m just--” He waved a hand at his groin.
“Hey.” Jim gave him a little tap on the cheek. “I don’t care if you’re hard as long as you’re enjoying yourself, okay?” He grinned. “Sure, I’d like to strip you naked and spread you out and suck you until I come, but I’d be just as happy to sit here and neck on the couch all night.”
Leonard caught his breath, because while experience had taught him that getting his dick sucked wasn’t particularly interesting, the eagerness in Jim’s voice when he talked about it was. Especially since he’d said until he came, not until Leonard came. “You could do that,” Leonard said before he could think twice about it. “Suck me, I mean. I might not…” he faltered. “I mean, as long as you don’t mind if I don’t really get hard, I like the idea of you getting off on it.”
Jim beamed at him. “I can definitely do that.” He caught Leonard in another hungry kiss first, and it ended up being a good ten minutes before Jim bothered getting them off the couch and into the bedroom. Leonard kept his eyes on Jim as they undressed and lay down, propped himself up on his elbows so that he could keep watching while Jim got started, because that was what Leonard was enjoying about this. Not his own muted response to Jim’s mouth, but how much Jim enjoyed it. The eagerness in his eyes when he saw Leonard naked, the way he moaned in pleasure when he got Leonard’s cock in his mouth, even if he didn’t have much to work with because Leonard still wasn’t more than half hard.
It was captivating, the way Jim looked, and Leonard wasn’t really paying attention to how his own body felt, not to the gentle suction of Jim’s mouth and not to his hands, stroking his thighs and petting his balls and sliding back and stroking over--
The sudden throb of pleasure knocked Leonard for a loop, actually literally knocked him off his elbows and left him staring at the ceiling, a guttural, “Oh, fuck,” tearing itself out of his throat. His hips actually jerked, and Jim choked and pulled back because of course he wasn’t expecting that.
“Bones?” Jim asked. “You okay?”
“What was that?” Leonard demanded, pushing up onto his elbows again.
Jim got a weird look on his face. “Hasn’t anyone played with your ass before, Bones?”
“Not that,” Leonard said impatiently. “That feeling.”
Jim was still looking at him strangely. “That was actually a real question,” he said, instead of answering, even though Leonard asked first.
Leonard frowned. “No. The focus has always been trying to get my dick with the program.”
A slow, dirty smile curved Jim’s lips. “Oh, Bones. Hang in there for just a second, and when I get back I am going to blow your mind.”
“Jim!” Leonard called out, but Jim was already gone. It was a couple of minutes before he got back, long enough that Leonard was starting to think about getting dressed because sitting naked on his bed was getting really awkward.
But then Jim reappeared, carrying a small bottle now, and crawled onto the bed, kissing Leonard before he could ask any questions. Jim kept kissing him as he coaxed Leonard back into lying down. Leonard couldn’t bring himself to break the kiss until he heard the sound of the bottle clicking open. “Jim, what are you doing?” Leonard asked as Jim slicked up his fingers.
“I am showing you,” Jim answered, setting the bottle aside and reaching behind Leonard, “why you and your previous partners really shouldn’t have assumed that one major erogenous zone being offline meant they all were.”
Leonard didn’t have time to absorb that before two slick fingers rubbed firmly over his hole and another shock of pleasure tore through him, forcing a helpless moan out of him. This time, Jim didn’t stop, kept stroking and circling and pressing at Leonard’s hole, and the pleasure was coming in waves now, deep and intense. All Leonard could do was pant for breath between moans and cling to Jim for dear life because he’d never felt anything like this, never.
It was utterly overwhelming, and it opened up a pit of hunger inside Leonard, left him begging for more until Jim sank those fingers inside him and then it was even more intense. Leonard was hard now, he’d never been hard like this in his life, and his hips were rocking back into Jim’s hand like they had a mind of their own and thank God Jim was holding onto him with the hand that wasn’t driving Leonard out of his goddamned mind, because he thought he might break into a thousand pieces if he didn’t have that anchor.
And then Jim pressed those two fingers in deep and crooked them and Leonard did break into a thousand pieces. He shook and gasped and, he realized with shock, came. His cock was pressed up against Jim’s belly, but that contact still wasn’t anything special--it was the electric, surging pleasure of Jim’s fingers buried inside him that drove the orgasm.
Eventually the twitches and aftershocks of completion died down, and Jim carefully slid his fingers free. Leonard went limp, pulling back from the death grip he had on Jim so that they could actually look at each other. Jim, of course, looked incredibly pleased with himself.
“I would tell you--” Leonard had to stop and clear his throat, because he was actually hoarse. He must have been yelling. “I would tell you to wipe that smug look off your face, but I think you actually earned it this time.”
Jim grinned at him. “I intend to earn it every time.”
“Jesus,” Leonard said. Suddenly he had a whole new perspective on everything he’d ever been told about sex, professionally or otherwise. A lot of it made a hell of a lot more sense now. “Jesus, if it’s that good every time, no wonder some people want it every day.”
Jim laughed, but he sounded delighted, not mocking. “Bones,” he said warmly, “couples generally get better at sex the more they do it. Besides,” and now his expression took on a wicked edge, “I haven’t even used my mouth on you yet.”
“You just--” But of course that wasn’t what Jim meant, and suddenly all Leonard could think about was what it would be like to have Jim’s eager, talented tongue inside him.
Leonard’s heart rate picked up and he could feel his skin flushing and he didn’t know what expression he had on his face right now, but Jim must have recognized it because his eyes darkened and he licked his lips. “You know, I don’t think our libidos are mismatched after all.”
“Maybe not,” Leonard conceded, and pulled Jim in for another kiss.