Chapter Text
It had been years since the culmination of Löded Diper as a shitty garage band made up of four unruly teens. It's surprising when sophomore passion projects take off, given everybody seems to soon get caught up in the whirl of teenage hormones and not to mention the age-old life changing decision all highschoolers go through; college. Not for Rodrick Heffley though, the founder and lead drummer of the newest up and coming indie metal piece. Music and performing was his life, and he was really banking on this whole music thing taking off. Maybe it would finally get Frank and Susan off his back.
As he got older, Rodrick finally had his own angsty feelings to base their lyrics off of, grounding the band in some authenticity that helped their original experimental sound take proper shape. Life was good, and the band had a strong and adoring local fanbase in the indie scene, even if Rodrick and his friends were total, bottom-of-the-social-ladder, freaks at North Shore High. Rodrick felt a little too hopeful at times, but he truly felt they were close to a record deal these days. He was trying to ignore the truth that was getting closer by the day, that his bandmates, his only friends, might not be into continuing this past graduation.
It's senior year for Rodrick and he hadn't changed much in the two years since the band’s formation, aside from growing a bit taller than six feet and looking more scruffy. His hair had stayed the same, slightly longer but still in its usual unkempt style. Still had the whole band-tee and flannel look. He even redrew the same adolescent graffiti over his black converse when his growth spurt hit, forcing him to abandon months of perfect scuffing. If there's one thing about Rodrick, he is never backing down from the DIY grunge look. The girls seemed to like it, even if he only cared about one in particular.
His friends and bandmates however, Ben, Bill, and Drew, had all matured at a much faster rate than he had. Rodrick was still winding up in detention on a semi regular basis and was putting his grades on the backburner (when were they ever not?) to focus on organising the influx of gigs Löded Diper had been booking. Music festivals, battle of the bands, even some grimy bars once they all hit age 18. The guys however, had transitioned into taking the odd AP class here and there, part-time jobs, writing college essays… Rodrick felt, even when performing he was slipping further and further away from his friends and how life used to be.
Rodrick laid on his bed, arms crossed behind his head. It was almost time for practice, which would be held in his parent’s garage as per usual. At least that would never change, but something else about today was different. Today, Rodrick had a crazy idea that he thought just might work. Today’s goal was to practice refining, and heaven forbid even toning down Löded Dipers sound. Jesus, maybe Rodrick had changed more than he thought. The idea was that if they could get booked for their high school’s prom, maybe that could truly launch their name and career. North Shore High was infamously full of gossips after all.
His stomach whirled with nerves and excitement, thinking of one plastic gossip he wished he could get talking about the band.
Regina George, queen bee of the school, and, in a hilarious (it was more nightmarish in Regina's eyes) proof of God's sense of humour, was also Rodrick's neighbour.
Oh, Regina. There had always been Regina. Rodrick looked back on their middle school years together, innocent neighbourly friendship. Walking to school together, running off during family-friend events... They had quite the bond, as deep as middle grade friendships could run.
But it wasn’t the same story come freshman year. Drama, dating, bullying, popularity... They were in totally different social spheres and therefore could not continue being friends, nor even be seen together. Regina climbed the social ladder to the very top, and you’d be underselling her if you didn’t mention how she had her long pink, glittery, nails clawed into the minds of every student at school.
Regina was always locked down in a relationship. Guys went crazy for Regina. How could they not? Even Rodrick was nowhere close to being immune to her captivating beauty. God, he really disgusted himself sometimes. Regina… Regina had grown into such a stunning young woman. Although drama would always follow her, she was much more mellowed out nowadays. Rodrick guessed that the chaos of graduation around the corner has everyone strung out, even Regina.
Her style hadn’t changed too much, following the popular trends as the years played out and sometimes even setting them herself. She’d somehow gotten taller, with long, slender legs that always just looked so smooth. Her blonde hair, which had always been long, now reached down to her ass. As usual, when the mushy, pussy-whipped thoughts of Regina’s beauty enter Rodrick’s mind, they’re soon accompanied with everything explicit that he secretly imagined doing with her. Her ass was flawless, in Rodrick’s mind. Every time he got a glimpse of her in the halls at school, he’d end up making a detour just to watch her hips sway as she walked, click-clacking in her signature heels. One time, Rodrick was so mesmerised, he nearly ran into a wall.
The truth of it all, was that it was impossible to catch Regina between boyfriends without being played like a damn fool.
Rodrick, on the other hand, could never keep it steady with another girl. They were polar opposites. However, occasionally sleeping with a groupie seemed to quell the storm of teenage hormones inside. He didn’t mind fulfilling some chick’s fantasy and pounding the fuck out of her after a concert, whenever the opportunity fell perfectly into Rodrick’s lap. Sure, he was whipped for Regina, but a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do to fuel his ego. Rodrick preferred keeping his eyes closed, with the lights dimmed and imagining it was Regina beneath him, moaning and screaming his name, putting her in her place.
Rodrick thought she was the most amazing, beautiful, and captivating girl ever since they had started highschool, bitchiness and all. He knew that whatever friendship they used to have was long gone by now, and there was no chance of ever getting her to see him as anything more than some punk freak. If he could go back and change something… what could he change? They were forever destined to be universes apart, socially. And so, he had settled for simply admiring her from afar… and maybe jerking off to some of her Facebook pics now and again.
This, this was one of those times.
Rodrick was now sitting in his computer chair, clicking through Regina’s Facebook profile. He found himself frequently returning to the carousel post of bikini pictures she had uploaded after spring break. Old reliable, he thought, but he wasn’t thinking much after that as his heartrate skyrocketed and face grew hot with desire. Selfies of Regina posing, skin freshly tanned, covered in sand, and glistening with coconut oil. Yep, Rodrick was hard. He palmed his growing bulge over his skinny jeans and began unzipping. Stroking himself, he imagined being there with her, in her parent’s beachhouse, pounding her little shapely ass with the bikini pulled to the side. “Regina,” He gasped out, leaning back in his chair as he came hard into his hand. He shuddered and relaxed into the orgasmic feeling. He sat there, feeling like he could melt into the cool leather of his chair.
“Rodrick!” his dad’s voice rang from upstairs. He jumped at the sound, heart pounding despite the fact it was quite a walk to reach the basement that Rodrick was using as his bedroom. He panicked and instinctively tried to cover his crotch, struggling with his skinny jeans.
“Whaaat?” he yelled back out. No response. Ugh, that’s just typical of parents, ‘yelling for me but not for thee’. Rodrick continued to make himself decent enough, still in a post-nut haze.
“Your friend’s here to see you!”
Oh great, his bandmates decide to finally be early for once. Gold star for initiative, guys.
Rodrick heard the sound of heels clicking rhythmically getting closer and closer to his bedroom door. Wait, friend, or friends plural? Last time he checked, most of the guys’ footwear of choice was sneakers, not stilettos.
“Hey loser, open up.” He heard a familiar feminine voice that seemed to be lacking its usual venom.
This cannot be who he thinks it is. Not that friend.
Shit, why is she here? She could not find out about Rodrick masturbating pathetically to her pictures. He finally committed to fixing himself up, his dick fully limp with shame and panic now, stood up and hustled up the steps. Rodrick pulled open the door to see a flawless figure before him, but with a face so red and puffy with tears.
“Hello,” Rodrick tried to sound composed, sure of himself that he was failing. “Regina,” he ushered her inside his room with a hand movement and a sort of bow.
Then he noticed how upset she looked.
“What’s wrong with you?” he approached the situation carefully.
Regina tried to get the words out, teary-eyed, but couldn’t. She suddenly closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Rodrick, hugging him. The sudden impact caused him to wobble a bit on the steps, but he maintained balance given his height. He paused for a moment, and awkwardly patted Regina on the back slowly
“This is, just, so totally embarrassing,” She choked out between tears, slowly. “But I couldn’t face anybody else right now.”
Yes, they were – past-tense – friends… and it’s not like they’d never hugged, but the switch from horny, to panic to… a crying Regina at his door. Rodrick was just so utterly confused.
“You’re freakin’ me out here Regina, what happened?”
“Aaron Samuels happened, that’s what.” she sniffled.
“Aaron Samuels?” he asked, dumbfounded. Everybody knew about Aaron Samuels and Regina George. They were the ‘it couple’ of North Shore High. Sure, they had been a bit rocky in sophomore year, but they had been together since then and were going pretty solid, no drama. Were they really done for good?
Aaron Samuels seemed like an alright guy to Rodrick’s rational side, but his pure male pride made him feel seething rage at the thought of Aaron being all over her in the halls. Touching wherever he wanted to… It made Rodrick sick to his stomach. But he at least thought, he was a genuine guy. It came as a surprise that Aaron was the cause of Regina’s sobbing. Just the thought that this football douchebag really hurt her this time, Rodrick wanted to punch his lights out.
“He’s left me for some other girl,” She sobbed. Were they real tears?
“You’re serious?”
“Some… some bitch from another school,” she spat with venom in her voice.
Rodrick led her down the steps, offering a seat on the edge of his bed.
“You have to tell me what happened. You know I could beat him up.”
Regina choked out a teary laugh, wiping her eyes again.
“Sure, skater boy,” Regina tried to insult, but her voice was quiet, and the sobbing had subsided by now. She stared down at the ground, seeming calmer.
“That’s really all I know… he just dumped me and said, ‘Regina, there’s somebody else’.” She mocked.
“The nerve of that guy.” It really bothered Rodrick that all these guys think the can take someone as gorgeous as Regina for granted. She was quite committed, and obsessive. Rodrick was sure he looked like a sexist man-whore in her eyes, and the eyes of anybody else at school. He couldn’t expect someone like Regina to fall for a guy like him given his current image.
“I just can’t believe I don’t have a date for prom,” Regina looked truly dejected. Rodrick knew stuff like prom meant everything to girls like her. But there had to be a million guys who would jump at the chance to ask her to prom. Rodrick felt a jolt of courage but waved away the idiotic thought forming in his brain.
The room was quiet for a moment.
“Hey, don’t worry about prom. Your birthday is coming up soon right? Just hold a party that’s ten times as awesome as prom could ever be.”
“How do you know when my birthday is, weirdo?” Regina was perfect at acting like they hadn’t shared countless birthday parties together as kids. Surely, she couldn’t just wipe her memory of everything, just like that.
It’s two days after mine, remember? Rodrick wanted to reply but didn’t.
Then, she said nonchalantly. “I know we haven’t talked in a while… but I couldn’t face the girls seeing me like this. You get it, right?” Regina looked much happier now. “Thanks, neighbour.”
Ouch, neighbour? Rodrick felt a uniquely sharp knife stab through his heart. What’s worse than the friend-zone, the neighbour-zone of course…
“No biggie,” He lied, flashing a goofy smile back at her.
"Can I use your computer? I’m going to make a post about my party, I’m so excited now." She sweetly asked — no, more like announced that she was using it and elegantly sat down at Rodricks desk before he could react. Geez, that was a switch in emotion. Ask for forgiveness instead of permission, that was always Regina's motto, and it had gotten her far in life thus far. Then even more embarrassment washed over Rodrick. He had clicked out of her pictures, but not out her profile completely. You fucking idiot, damn it.
"Geez, were you perving on me you freak?" She flashed a very icy look before turning and very calmly logging out, then logging into her own Facebook account. “That’s just like you to be so…” she trailed off.
Rodrick watched Regina type flawlessly despite her long acrylic nails. Was there anything about her that wasn’t perfect? Her hair flowed perfectly over her shoulders, down her back, and his eyes landed on a peek of skin that was showing between her top and skirt. Focus man.
“So, we’re playing a show tomorrow,” Rodrick started, attempting to ignore her question nonchalantly. He sat on the edge of his bed and continued to watch her. “Am I gonna see you there?”
"As if," she said as she changed her relationship status on Facebook to ‘single.’
“Like I would ever let myself be seen dead at one of your grimy, loud, gigs. They are a breeding grounds for weirdos.”
“Single huh? you sure?” Rodrick questioned. “You know all those Facebook guys will be jumping on you like rabid dogs now.”
“I’m done with boys.” A hair flip.
“Regina George done with boys? Well, I’ll be damned,” Rodrick teased.
“Shut up, loser,” Regina laughed, “Don’t start thinking you’ll finally have a chance with more now, because it’s never, gonna, happen.” She hovered her cursor over the ‘log out’ button but didn’t click it, then spun around 180* in the desk chair to face Rodrick.
“Look, the truth is, I really need your help with this whole Aaron Samuels thing…that’s why I’m here.” Regina looked pleadingly, almost with a hint of shyness, but she said this entirely through gritted teeth. She placed a hand on his knee for added affect.
Rodrick still laid on his back, sinking into his old mattress, air drumming with his hands above him, mumbling something affirmative to show he was listening.
“I need you to be my new boyfriend.” Regina blurted out.
“WHAT?” Rodrick shot up, with a shocked expression meeting Regina’s bashful, but still calculated face. They were extremely close right now.
“Just until Aaron gets jealous!” she quickly added on “Which, trust me, when he sees I’m going out with a social reject like you he’ll be running back into my life to save me. I’m sure of it. It’s just for a bit. Really, I’m doing you a favour, bringing you back into society after years in the shadows…” Regina kept digging herself into a hole, talking with her hands. “…It’s not like there’s anybody else that I could ask…”
“I’ll do it.”
“You will?” Regina cocked an eye, “Well, of course you would, I bet you’ve been dreaming of a day like this, perv.”
“There’s just one question I have,” Rodrick leant in. “What’s in it for me?” he said slowly.
Regina’s face was suddenly full of rage.
“What’s in it for you? WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU? God that is just so typical, look at you, then look at me, how can you even say those words out loud? What’s in it for you, is being allowed a taste of higher society, and to hang around me all day.”
“All day?” Rodrick smirked; he really liked the sound of this.
Regina rolled her eyes, thinking of ways to get her plan back on track. Before she could open her mouth, Rodrick interjected again. He wanted to make Regina work for him now.
“I’ll ooonly do it, if you come to our gig tomorrow. And! You have to look happy while there. I’m trying to get us booked for the prom.” Rodrick was proud of his
Regina scowled. “God, I didn’t think there was a way prom was gonna get any worse this year… but fine, I’ll do it. But I’m deciding everything else.”
Rodrick was beaming like an idiot.
She continued, “Look, I can already tell this is going to be a lot of work. We’re going to need ground rules. First of all–”
A ding from Rodrick’s phone interrupted her train of thought. A text from his band groupchat, they were nearly here. Rodrick facepalmed, he practically forgot.
“You might wanna bounce. We have band practice tonight…”
“Oh god. Not a single word to them.” Regina stood up suddenly, flattening down her outfit. “Tomorrow, we can go to school together and talk about the plan. Okay?”
She rushed to the stairs, and Rodrick made sure to let Regina walk up first so he had a great view of, well, her ass of course. He had half a mind to reach out and – well then the fake dating would be over before it even started.
As he opened the front door, letting Regina out, it was like a massive clash of social tiers. The boys were crossing the front lawn over to them, hooting and laughing. Regina seemed mortified.
“7:30 sharp, got it?” she said in a hushed tone before turning and leaving without a proper goodbye.
“You and the Queen Bee huh?” Bill hollered.
“Get lost, twerp.” Regina had that comeback loaded, not even sparing a single glance at the three boys. Rodrick watched her sashay down the path, just next door. He loved to watch her leave but hated to see her go.
“Was she good?” Ben asked.
“Man, shut up.” Rodrick punched his friend in the arm, as they all filed into the garage and started setting up.
What on Earth had he gotten himself into?