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A second chance.
She supposed that’s what it was. Nothing changed, really. She still talked to the same people, said the same things, fought the same fights… she knew it was wrong to complain. Coming back after dying should’ve felt like a miracle, and sometimes, it really did. She supposed everything had a downside, though. It would all have to end eventually.
She remembered how her story began, and how it ended. Igor’s sentiment rang true in her head. Memento Mori: Remember that you will die.
If Minako had to pick something to change, though, it would be to save Shinji from being hurt at all. Really, she’d call it her only failure. Even her death wasn’t a real tragedy. It was a simple sacrifice to save everything else, and she didn’t mind. That night, though? She still had nightmares about it.
It was her room. Well, it didn’t look like her room, it looked like the bookstore, but she knew it was her room. Shinji was in her arms, blood soaking her clothes. Everything else in the room was vague, blurry, and out of focus. But Shinji? He was clear. The smell of the blood, the expression on his face, his wheezing breaths, his voice as he muttered his last words—
Minako shot up from her covers, sitting up and panting as she woke from another nightmare. It felt dramatic to call it a cold sweat, but that’s probably what it was. Either way, she tossed the bedding off of herself, feeling constricted and uncomfortable. Checking the clock, she thanked heaven above that it was past the Dark Hour. She didn’t have it in her to deal with a dead silent night. Even the hum of machinery was better than silence.
Slowly, she pushed herself to her feet, stumbling to her sink. She looked at herself in the mirror, fingers gently tracing her face. Minako didn’t realize how scarred she was last time. Honestly, she was still processing the fact that there was a last time. She was just as strong, knew just as much, but here she was.
A quiet sigh left Minako as she straightened her back, hands brushing off her pajamas.
“No use dwelling on it tonight, yeah? Still have plenty of time,” she reassured herself.
She muttered it, trying to convince herself, as if the shot wasn’t ringing in her ears that very moment.
Minako shook her head and slid on her slippers. They were cute, fluffy ones that Yukari had gotten for her, and they were getting to be quite worn. She frowned at the hole in the side, knowing it was proof she’d been wandering around too much at night. Quietly, Minako sighed, and she walked out into the hall, making sure to step on every quiet board, as she memorized each creaky one.
It was a quick journey down to where she wanted to be, now standing quietly outside of a doorway. She knew he wouldn’t be asleep. In fact, he had told Minako about how he had a hard time sleeping. He practically encouraged her to come bother him if she were ever awake. Still, she was anxious to knock.
Minako quietly loomed outside of Shinjiro’s door before she softly tapped on it, knuckles knocking against the wood. She stood there for a moment before starting to turn and leave, worried she had bothered him. It was odd, her acting like this. Usually, she was confident, boisterous, and loud. But, now? She was quiet and nervous, as if she was scared he’d drop dead at the sight of her. At some point she had turned around to go back upstairs, embarrassed that she had even tried to wake him.
Then, the door opened.
“Aki..?”
Shinjiro’s voice was low, a whisper, and gravelly as if he’d just woken up. He leaned out of the doorway, looking around and expecting Akihiko. When his eyes finally landed on Minako, she froze.
“Sorry… um… you can go back to bed,” she mumbled, still nervous. It frustrated her that he could make her heart flutter so easily, and he didn’t even know it.
A trademark heavy sigh escaped him as he stepped back into his room for a moment. Minako stayed frozen on the steps, knowing he would be coming back. And he did, stepping out into the hall, now with another sweater layered on top and his beanie snug on his head. Shinjiro took a couple quiet steps to and down the stairs before he turned around and looked at Minako. He almost seemed puzzled.
“Comin’ or what?”
Minako hated that she could never say no to him.
In a few swift steps, she was next to him, smiling and ignoring the way her head was starting to pound. He didn’t ask her anything, not yet, and she appreciated the quiet walk down to the kitchen. Fiddling with the watch she refused to take off, she hoped he didn’t think she only woke him for food… that would be awful.
Minako made sure not to get too caught up in thinking about it, though. After coming back, she had started to do that a lot more. In fact, she had started sleeping more because everything else felt… less important. Studying had no use, now that she knew every answer, and she stopped caring about what she looked like. And if anyone had the gall to call her anything but brave, she encouraged it. Even Tartarus felt like a breeze, and she honestly stopped joining in the fights, knowing it would raise suspicion if she summoned gods and demons to attack some… stupid, magic table. So she stood by, only joining in to take care of the big ones, rushing through Tartarus to get to the next area.
When had they gotten to the kitchen?
“You listening to me?”
Shinji’s voice knocked her out of whatever train of thought she got lost in. Minako shook her head and smiled, moving to hop up on one of the unused counters.
“Sorry. I’m a little tired,” she said stiffly, a regular excuse, even if it was a bad one. Funny. She got caught up overthinking about overthinking.
“Nightmares?” He mumbled it, treading carefully in case she didn’t want to talk about it.
That was the problem with her, though. Minako had set herself up as this open book. Someone that says what’s on her mind, and listens when others talk. She was a good example for the others, who all refused to talk about their own problems to the point of Minako losing her mind trying to ask.
Still, she nodded, mumbling a quiet ‘yeah’ as Shinjiro continued to do whatever it was that he was doing in front of the stove. Minako sat behind him, on the opposite set of counters, watching him work.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
She knew the question was coming, but she still sighed. Minako chewed on her lip, deciding what she could say. What was vague enough that didn’t scream ‘I’m from the future where you die!’ The ceiling was suddenly… very interesting. Her lips started to bleed as she chewed on the loose, dead skin, and finally it came to her. It wasn’t far from the truth, she supposed.
“Uh… it’s… I mean, it’s been months, but…” she trailed off, grasping for straws and words.
Shinjiro hummed softly, a gentle sound that made Minako’s heart skip a beat. He was listening, that’s all it meant, but to Minako? It felt like a kiss on the cheek. It felt like a hand in hers. It felt like-
“Hey, wake up… I’m not carrying you up the stairs, Princess…”
He stood carefully in front of her, one hand on the counter beside her leg, and the other carefully putting down a mug of… something. By the smell of it? Hot cocoa. Minako’s favorite. God, he’s lucky she’s half asleep right now, or she would have smothered the man to an early death at this point.
“Sorry… figuring out my words,” she mumbled.
Shinjiro wrapped careful arms around her, loose and frail, but present all the same. He almost seemed embarrassed, and Minako wouldn’t be surprised if he was. He was usually so closed off… she wondered what was different about right now.
“You don’t havta’ say it if you don't want to. Don't think I’ve ever seen you this… spacey…” he said carefully.
Ah. That was it. She let her walls slip, and now she was in trouble. Even Shinji was worried about her, huh? Minako decided she had better come up with a good story, and quickly.
“It’s alright… I’m just sleepy…”
She smiled softly and cupped his face. As always, he was practically freezing. Not knowing what else to do, Minako simply sighed and kissed the bridge of his nose. A smile forced itself onto her face as she watched him try to keep a flustered expression off of his own.
“It was the night I awakened my Persona,” she started. It wasn’t entirely true, but it was a nightmare that she had many times.
“It seems silly now, but back then, it was terrifying. In my dream, it feels like everything is shaking… like if I move even a little bit, the whole building would fall. I can feel it move every time I do. And I’m not alone. To my side, there’s Yukari… hurt, needing me. She’s on the ground, and I can’t tell if she’s conscious or not, but I know that she needs me. And I know I have to help. The evoker is in my hands, and… I don’t know if it’s real or not…”
She took a deep breath, not realizing she had started to shake.
“It felt heavy in my hands. That’s one of the few things I remember shocking me the first time I held an evoker. How heavy they were. I think that’s what made me think it was real when I first had one. Anyways, I held it up to my head, like I knew I should, and I looked that creature in the eyes. And I know it’s not the scariest thing I’ve seen, especially now, but in my dream it’s terrifying. I can feel it. I’m almost sure it can’t wait to rip me to shreds.”
When had she started rambling? She could hardly stop the words from falling out.
“So I pull the trigger. And there’s this terrible pain. Worse than anything I’d ever felt. Like I can feel the shot land. I think, maybe for a second, I hear a voice. But then it’s gone. I taste metal. The shaky building starts to lean, and maybe even fall, but as I start to go, my Persona never comes. Everything just hurts… and I’m gone. I wake up.”
When she stopped, she noticed that tears had started to form in the corners of her eyes, and that Shinjiro had pulled her closer. Minako figured her cocoa was probably starting to go cold, and she casually reached for it, earning a huff from Shinji. She wasn’t sure if it was because of her slow drinking, or because of her carefree reaction.
“Minako,” he mumbled in the gravelly tone that could make her give up every secret, “You’re okay. I uh… I’m here, yeah?”
She smiled at his attempt to comfort her.
“Yeah. You’re here. Thanks,” she said, smiling softly at him.
He grumbled something, as if he had suddenly remembered he had an image to keep up.
“Whatever…”
Minako huffed at him absentmindedly, and reached up to thread her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck, trying not to giggle at the way he melts under her touch. He was such a big softie, once he gave up on the ‘doomed forever’ act. Honestly, that was one of the things she loved about him. It must have shown on her face though, because she could feel Shinjiro staring at her.
“Quit staring at me… it’s embarrassing.”
“Why? You look all… sweet. It’s not a bad look on you.”
Did he really have to say it like that? She practically melted in his arms… God, she hated when he got like this. He was perfect, really. If you asked Minako, that was simply a fact of life.
A playful huff left him, but the huff turned to a bit of a wheeze at the end, leading to a cough. And once you got him started coughing, Minako knew it took effort to stop him. So, she just sat quietly with him, reaching to gently rub his back with one hand as he worked his way through the coughing fit. She sighed softly and took a slow drink of her cocoa, knowing she had to get it finished. If she didn’t, he’d lecture her… and she didn’t want that. Not right now.
Eventually, Shinjiro quieted down, wheezing coughs turning to slow, deep breaths.
“Shit…” he mumbled.
“Feeling better?”
“Guess so.”
She sighed solemnly and cupped his cold face again. It broke Minako’s heart to see her Shinji so… ill. All she wanted was to help him. Shinjiro exhaled quietly. It made Minako think of old, tired dogs that pout all the time. The image made her snicker quietly.
“What? Why’re you laughing at me?” He asked, almost offended.
“Nothing… don’t worry about it,” she mumbled, a smile stuck on her face.
He rolled his eyes before glancing at her mostly-full mug, then back at her. Minako could almost hear his comment building up in his throat and let out a huff, reaching for her drink to keep sipping at it. She appreciated the drink, but she just… kept forgetting she had to do anything, honestly. Move, blink… even breathe. Instead of slow, steady breaths, there would just be a quiet gasp that sounded off from her occasionally. Shinjiro couldn’t help but worry he was doing something, so he loosened his grip on her.
Minako, in her tiredness, fell into another spiral, thoughts jumping between topics and sliding more and more, blankly staring at the drink in her hands.
What day is it again? When’s the next full moon? Which arcana is it? How close are we to the fourth? How reasonable would it be for me to ask Shinjiro to wear more armor? Do they trust me as a leader enough? Am I a good enough leader? I don’t do as much now as I used to. They haven’t even really seen me fight. It’s not like I can just summon my Personas and they don’t ask questions, though. Junpei’s probably more bitter than before, since I don’t do much-
“Hey, snap out of it… what’s up with you?”
“Hm..?”
Her voice was breathy, almost as if she’d been holding it, or if she simply forgot how to do it.
Shinjiro sighed deeply before straightening his back (as much as he could, at least. His slouch was horrendous) and holding his hands out to her.
“Cmon,” he said plainly, with no room for argument.
“What..?”
“We’re gonna get you some fresh air. I think it’ll help,” he added.
Minako was stuck in place for a moment, processing what he said, before she nodded and hopped off the counter. Shinjiro held his hands out, just in case she fell, and who’s to say she didn’t fall into his arms on purpose?
With a half-assed smirk, Shinjiro reached for her hand and turned to lead her outside. It wasn’t the most convenient of plans, as both of them were in their pajamas, but neither of them minded.
Cold September air hit Minako in the face, waking her up quite a bit. She hadn’t even realized they’d gotten to the door… maybe Shinjiro was right. Minako took a deep, stabilizing breath, grounding herself. Shinjiro squeezed her hand, hoping to reassure her some more.
At some point, they had started to walk. Minako’s body moved on autopilot, her own brain unsure of every step she took. Well, she was vaguely aware that they were headed towards the nearby shrine, but her head wasn’t clear enough yet that she could feel their progress. All she knew was that she’d blink, and they’d be even farther. Shinjiro’s hand in hers helped, though, to keep her steady.
Stairs were a challenge, however. Her knees shook with every step she took up those stone stairs, and she could feel a soreness in her calves from either running through Tartarus or Rio’s new volleyball exercises. Still, slowly but surely, she made it up. Heavy footsteps sounded out as both of them took weak strides. Man, if she sounded like Shinjiro, she knew she had it bad, huh? When they finally made it to the top of the stairs, Shinjiro seemed to be out of breath, and Minako gently guided him to the nearby benches, helping him sit back. She sat next to him, her mind flooding with memories of the days she would spend here talking to Akinari; every morning that she would spend here, taking in quiet conversations about life and death, and it almost unsettled her more. Minako let out a heavy sigh, and whether it was due to exhaustion or due to her regular anxiety, who was to say.
She leaned back against the bench, eyes gliding upwards towards the sky. The moon was bright, though not too close to being full, she thought. There was plenty of time, she decided, lying to herself. Almost instinctually, she could feel Shinjiro staring at her. It was a warm tingle she could feel on her cheek, and she could almost picture his eyes on her. And it was a very pretty picture, she thought. Minako’s eyes did not move from the sky, but she took in a breath to speak. It felt like some sort of weight off her chest, even if it was only a small one.
“Shinjiro, what do you think of me?”
It was an interesting question. Truthfully, she knew she couldn’t know what the others thought of her. Sure, she could assume, but it didn’t give her much. Maybe she had a feeling that Junpei hated her, no matter how he acted towards her when they hung out. She even assumed that Yukari was jealous of how Mitsuru gave her everything. Some days, she even wondered if Akihiko thought she was weak. Mitsuru was harder to read, and she honestly thought Ken’s opinion hadn’t changed. Everyone at school gave her harsh looks, she thought, and it always felt like it was because she never had to try for anything.
Nobody knew her, she realized in a heartbreaking moment. Nobody saw her fighting to grow, studying nearly every night, or struggling to stay awake in class because of countless nights spent in Tartarus. To everyone else, she was something else entirely.
“I dunno. I think you’re pretty alright,” Shinjiro replied, a shy tone in his voice that told Minako everything. He saw her. And that was terrifying.
“C’mon, Shinji, be honest. As a leader, as a person, as a…” she trailed off, scared to say ‘girlfriend’.
Shinjiro opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off, continuing her rambling.
“I mean, I hardly fight, I boss everyone around, I’m a total know-it-all, and everyone knows it! Nobody at school likes me. God, nobody even tries to talk to me! I don’t work, I don’t study, I don’t train, I don’t do anything. I’m a terrible leader, and I can’t even protect the people I care about!”
Wow. Okay, Minako, reel it in.
She blinked tears out of her eyes that she didn’t even know were there, and stood up quickly. Minako needed to get away, to push herself out of this vulnerable situation. Why would she say that? Wow, she said too much, and she knew it too. Why couldn’t she ever say no to him? Panicked, she started to step away, but a firm grip on her wrist stopped her.
“Minako, stop. Don’t go.”
He almost whispered it, vulnerable and almost… sad.
She finally looked back at him, and she forgot how he had her wrapped around his finger. Some hair had fallen in front of his face from under his beanie. He really looked nice in the moonlight, Minako thought. The sickness was the second thing she noticed. Shinjiro looked sick. The realization made her heart break.
She was losing him.
Still, Minako stayed quiet, looking at Shinjiro sadly. He sighed, and moved his hand down to intertwine their fingers. Shinjiro squeezed her hand softly, hoping to make her feel supported.
“Hey, c’mere,” he continued, pulling her to him and standing up in front of her, pulling her into a hug. His free hand moved up to thread into her hair, holding the back of her head.
“You’re good, Minako. A good person. A good leader. You do your best. That’s all you can do, yeah? Who gives a damn what other people think? You shouldn’t. Especially not you. Honestly, I think you’ve convinced yourself that you’re someone you’re not. You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, yknow. You’re smart too, but you still do dumb shit. God, you walk into dangerous places like you own the place, and it scares me every time. You’re not some… stuck up, overconfident person… you just know what you’re capable of. The team loves you, your friends love you, I…”
He trailed off. Minako supposed he was scared to say it first.
“I love you too,” she said, almost as if it was as simple as breathing.
He sighed and pulled her closer.
“You’re a good person too, Shinji,” she finished.