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When he realizes it, he's wasn't dumb enough to deny it to himself. Katsuki knew for a fact he liked Izuku.
But it doesn't mean he likes it. He's pissed off for managing to land himself in such a shitty position. It was only the beginning of the school year that he told Izuku, "I'm going to beat you and become number one!" How the hell do you hit on the guy you vowed to surpass?
Katsuki can't help but become more distant and shitty to everyone. He's too angry and too enraptured in his own thoughts to interact properly with anyone, even Kirishima. But to be clear, he's not angry that it's Izuku he has a crush on; he's angry because there's nothing he can do about it. He can't tell him, he can't tell anyone, and he sure as fuck won't get lucky and find out Izuku magically has a crush on him, Bakugou Katsuki, the guy who shit on him since they were old enough to read.
No, what Katsuki decides is that being mad at every living thing on this god forsaken earth and punching walls until his knuckles bleed won't change shit; so he tells himself to just wait until his feelings pass. Just wait and avoid Izuku as much as humanly possible. You can't fall in love with someone you never see.
The plan doesn't work out because of course, the easy way out isn't easy in the least bit. Izuku literally sits right behind him and is constantly asking the teacher questions with that annoyingly cute voice when he's curious about something. It takes everything in his might to ignore Izuku when he asks him for an eraser in that sickeningly sweet and soft voice of his, "Kacchan. Kacchan? Are you sleeping? Hm." and it certainly doesn't help that Katsuki has to look at his face every morning since Izuku gets to school early every fucking day, god damn it.
Despite the world being against him, Katsuki keeps trying to avoid Izuku to get over his feelings for months. He doesn't talk to him, he doesn't respond to him, he doesn't dare even look at him or mention his name. If he can, he avoids his presence at all cost even when Izuku gets hurt and Katsuki wants nothing more than to be at his side. Even so, he gets the warm melting feeling in his chest and still stirs when he hears his voice or his name and he still dreams about the color of Izuku's eyes. No matter what he does, Katsuki is at a loss, but he has no real options.
But as the months pass and as Katsuki grows more distant, Izuku is getting worried.
Katsuki is never like this. He's never avoided him so actively. Usually, the two of them end up in close quarters all the time either on purpose or by fate. Same neighborhood, same elementary school, same middle school, same high school, always managing to land seats right next to each other every year no matter what, always being forced to help with their mom's joint neighborhood cookouts, always next to each other on buses, and more often than not its not that bad. Issues only arise if Katsuki is in one of his moods, but lately, Katsuki has avoided him completely to the point where he doesn't even make teasing remarks or looks at him at all.
Uraraka and Iida don't get it.
"Isn't this better than him cursing at you all the time?”
"I would be glad that someone as volatile as that is out of your life so you can focus more on your studies and hero work."
Yes, he appreciates that Katsuki isn't being mean to him anymore, but he can't help but worry because Katsuki never outright ignores him and Izuku being Izuku comes up with outrageous conclusions on what's wrong with him.
"Iida-kun what if he joined a gang and they told him not to talk to me? Oh no, what if he hates me now."
"I was under the impression he already hated you."
"No, Kacchan never hated me. He's not like that. If he hated me he would've been serious. Now that I think about it, he wouldn't avoid me if he hated me."
"Him saying he wants to beat you and trying to kill you during the first group test sounds pretty serious to me, Deku-kun."
"What? No, no he was just angry he wasn't trying to actually hurt me."
"With all due respect Midoriya-kun, you do realize you're making excuses for his aggressive behavior toward you right?"
"Look, I know how it sounds and I know how it looks, but he's a good person he just has really bad ways of expressing himself. No one really seems to understand that but me apparently, and as his friend, I have to help him if somethings wrong!"
Uraraka and Iida stopped in their tracks. "You're his friend?!"
They definitely did not understand. He knew they meant well, but Izuku had known Katsuki longer than he's known anyone else and he looks up to the older boy as much as he does All Might. He knew Katsuki would never open up to anyone about his problems and that no one understands him like he does, so it'd be up to him to help Katsuki.
It all went to hell when he went to the bathroom between classes. It wasn't that big of a deal, but the last thing Katsuki could've expected was to walk into Izuku on his way back. He fully intended to walk away after almost bumping into him, but lately, nothing has been going right today. A soft hand firmly gripped his arm and that voice called out that pet name that follows him even in his dreams. Anything but this.
Much to his dismay, Izuku walks in front of Katsuki with that fucking Look on his face. He knows it too well. It's the same look he can never understand. The one where Izuku looks worried and afraid at the same time the one that used to make him angry because he couldn't understand it but now it just makes his heart beat and chest tighten with feelings that he can't describe and that frustrates him even more. Looking at Izuku's wide eyes and feeling the heat of his hand on his arm is probably his worst nightmare and loftiest dream come to life. Izuku is here in Katsuki's face looking at him with all the emotion in the world and Katsuki is frozen.
"Kacchan."
Please don't.
"Why have you been ignoring me?"
It hurts. Hearing those words makes him go stiff with a pain he knows too well now. It's like grief, stuck in your heart spreading to your fingertips until your throat closes with regret. Yes, Katsuki is very familiar with it now. He hoped Izuku would just let it happen, but he should've known he was smarter than that. He should've known he wouldn't be able to get away with ignoring the only thing in his life that's been there from start to finish.
"Kacchan?"
Katsuki's mouth twitches. He can't tell him the reason. He can't tell the truth, but he can't lie either because real heroes never lie.
"Katsuki?"
The worry in those eyes turns to pain like he's hurting Izuku with his silence and it makes Katsuki want to die. Those eyes well up with worry and hurt and it spills down his cheeks while that soft hand grips tighter and all Katsuki can do is painfully beg him to stop crying in his head. He hates to see Izuku cry. He never knows if he should tell him to man up like his parents tell him or to hold the boy.
"Kacchan, please tell me what's wrong. Please tell me what I did wrong."
The pain makes him mute and he can barely breathe, but he can't help himself when he leans forward and wipes away those tears with his thumb. Izuku looks up to him with the brightest, most beautiful eyes Katsuki swears he'll ever see and it hurts so much that he can barely keep his nerve and wipe away each tear as they stream down his face. He can't do this. He feels like he's sinking and there's nothing to hold onto. He can't live like this forever. Katsuki can't live without Izuku and it's killing him.
Katsuki drops his hand from Izuku's face when the tears stop and the silence is tearing him to shreds because there's so much he wants to say so much he wants to do but can't. He can't kiss him, he can't hold him, he can't even confess and the hurt turns to anger because he refuses to cry in front of Izuku again.
Izuku is about to speak again, about to ask him what just happened, what this means, but Katsuki turns before he can even suck in a breath to get the words out and leaves. He doesn't even go back to the classroom, he walks out the emergency exit leaving the school without any of his stuff in the middle of the day. He's so embarrassed and upset with how weak he feels for not having any control over himself or the situation that he leaves the person he cares about the most alone and confused.
Izuku doesn't know what he should do. Katsuki left his books, homework, and bag in class and while he could always leave it there for him to get it in the morning he knew in good conscience he couldn't do that. The dilemma arose when the idea of bringing Katsuki his things came to mind. Would it be overstepping his boundaries to bring it to him and see him again? Izuku stares at the bag hanging off the desk in front of his. Katsuki would never come to him. That's why he'd confronted him in the first place. He needed to talk to him, especially after that. Izuku wasn't aware that Katsuki could look that hurt or that his hands could be so gentle. His cheek burned where Katsuki touched him and he knew he had to see him.
After classes, Izuku grabbed their things and went off to their neighborhood to look for Katsuki. It didn't take long at all. There was one spot they always went to when they were troubled and it was Izuku's first stop.
Walking through the park Izuku reminisced on all the nights when he'd lose hope. He would walk these same paths crying, trying to stay strong. Sometimes when he sat in this park he wasn't alone, though. Turning around the bend Izuku saw him on the same bench they always sat at. Some nights when Izuku was too upset and weak to go on he'd sit here. On a lucky day, he wasn't alone. Katsuki would be there like he is now, upset for his own reasons, and sat with him in a silence that comforted them both. They never talked about it, but Izuku remembers catching his gaze when they sat here and feeling something he didn't give a name, but he knew it was good. Katsuki was good.
Katsuki's gaze now was similar. But it held a weight to it that spoke something else that Izuku had never seen after all those nights. Izuku almost stopped in his tracks, but he continued on until he sat in his spot on the bench with Katsuki's gaze on him all the while.
Swallowing nervously at the heavy air, Izuku put Katsuki's things between them. He couldn't look at him. Not while Katsuki looked at him like that.
Katsuki kept staring before looking down at the bag between them and looking away to the trees in front of them, saying nothing. He remembered this park better than anywhere else. He remembers playing with Izuku here when they were little. He remembered the first time he yelled at Izuku and called him that awful nickname that Katsuki wishes he could take back because now it leaves a sour taste in his mouth just hearing it. Katsuki takes a shuddering breath at the thought, feeling the regret creep up on him again.
"What happened to us, Kacchan?"
Katsuki looked over at Izuku who still wouldn't look at him. The younger boy broke their silence with the smallest voice he had, but it shot through Katsuki like a canon. There are tears in his eyes again, but Katsuki doesn't reach out. He doesn't deserve to. He can't even answer him.
He knows it's him.
It's his fault. He doesn't remember just how it started and he can't find out the why behind it but it's always been him. He happened to them. He ruined them.
"Izuku,"
Izuku snaps his head to the side to look at him with wide eyes. After months of nothing. After months of silence. It's Izuku. The first thing he says is Izuku. Not Deku. Not Midoriya. Izuku.
They lock eyes and Katsuki's voice catches in his throat when he realizes the reason he can't speak is because he's ashamed. He's ashamed and regretful and he doesn't think he can ever fix his mistake but real heroes don't let that stop them. They own up to their actions. It takes him another deep breath, he speaks.
"I'm sorry."
It doesn't hurt to say. It's not even hard because he means it. He put his whole heart into that one sentence and handed it to Izuku on a silver platter and now he has nothing left to give.
A moment passes and Katsuki gets up. He grabs his bag weakly and begins to walk away. Again. He feels like shit for walking away from Izuku while he's in pain like this but he doesn't think he can keep himself from bursting and spilling his guts about his feelings for much longer.
Nothing has been going his way, though. He can't go two steps without Izuku's hand on his wrist, those soft hands holding him back yet again and Katsuki can barely keep himself from crying because no matter how hard he tries Izuku refuses to let him go and it hurts more than anything else. No one has ever cared so much about him or put up with him this long. Not even his parents. He doesn't know if he can handle it.
His heart melts and throbs painfully when Izuku walks in front of him again and Katsuki doesn't even hold back.
He kisses him. Soft. Sweet. Short. Izuku couldn't even get a word in before he was kissed. A moment passed and Katsuki realizes how stiff and confused Izuku seems before quickly pulling away. He can't bare to look at his face for a second longer, not wanting to see the disgust or anger that may take it over when he walks away again.
Izuku doesn't follow him.
Katsuki doesn't go to school the next day.
Izuku is confused, but even more so he's worried. He spent all night thinking about this and what it means. He understands a lot more now, he understands why Katsuki ignored him, why he understands the pain in his eyes, he understands why he keeps leaving. He wants to help but he's starting to notice another dilemma within himself.
He doesn't understand why his cheek and lips prickle when he thinks about Katsuki. He doesn't understand why his chest swells with...something when he thinks about the kiss and his eyes and his hands and how much he wants to see him again. He doesn't understand it at all, but it all feels right. He wants it, whatever it is. But, before he even bothers with that he needs to make sure Katsuki is okay. God knows how he must feel after last night.
As soon as classes are over Izuku races to Katsuki's house. Getting in has never been a problem. Katsuki's parents work late and the door is always unlocked, but Izuku knew better than to walk into Katsuki's personal space. Knocking on the oak door that was only a few meters away from his own, Izuku waited patiently hoping Katsuki would even answer.
He's here. He opens the door and Izuku doesn't think at all, his body moves for him and he leans up to kiss Katsuki, too consumed with emotion to care about anything other than Katsuki's cool lips against his again. The older boy is shocked but doesn't break their kiss until Izuku pulls away.
His mouth twitches then twists. "Are you making fun of m-"
"No!" Izuku says quickly. He knew all too well that Katsuki's mind had been trained to believe the worst, but the last thing Izuku wanted was a misunderstanding.
"I wanted to kiss you. For real. I'm not making fun of you."
Katsuki didn't drop his look but Izuku could see his gaze soften and he knew Katsuki wanted nothing more than to believe him.
"I-...I was confused. You had been acting so weird and then you-...you touched me and you kissed me and I didn't know what to do or what to say and I still don't but," Izuku paused, his heart beating in his ears. "When you kissed me I didn't want you to stop. I don't know if I like you but I loved kissing you. And I hated living in a world where you didn't acknowledge me. I don't know what I'm doing but and I..um." Izuku trailed off losing his nerve and looking down at his feet.
"I missed you Kacchan. And...and after yesterday I thought I really lost you when you left. Please stop leaving me."
The warm hand came to his cheek and lifted his face to meet softened red eyes. Now that Izuku could see them so close he could see the scars of pain, regret, and guilt mar their expression but make it mean all that much more.
"I'm sorry." It's still so easy. So easy when he meant it. Katsuki's pride would never get in the way of him and Izuku again. "I didn't- fuck. I wasn't sure what to do for you. I thought if I left you alone it'd make up for what I did to you. I still don't know. What to do, I mean."
"So what now?"
"You tell me."
They were so close. Inches apart. Izuku's hand had come up to touch Katsuki's as they stood for a few heart beats in silence. Their eyes spoke what their mouths wouldn't dare and while they didn't know where they were going, they loved where they were right now. Together.
"Kiss me."