Chapter Text
"have you never seen anyone since Becky?"
"No!"
"What!? not even casually? just for some attention?"
"No I'd be hopeless at casual"
"I'd get too involved and I'm not going through.....no, I'm not risking it, It's not worth it"
_____
The conversation from weeks ago rattled around Carla's head as she laid in bed staring at the ceiling,
Her posh egyptian cotton covered duck feather duvet pulled up around her chin for some comfort in the darkness.
The conversation with Lisa ran on a loop in her mind most nights now, taunting her.
(Actually it was torturing her if she was honest)
she had analysed every inch of it,
every word, every meaning and this was clearly going to be what she focused on again tonight, during attempts to sleep.
Another over analysis of her and Lisa's 'friendship'
She had already forced her phone closed after spending at least thirty minutes scrolling her old messages from Lisa and considering if the kisses meant anything.
(Could that last conversation they had technically be classed as flirting?)
Now she would undergo the usual mental marathon in the dark
The 'casual attention' conversation as she liked to refer to it as, was already number one in the top three playlists her mind did a rerun of on lonely nights.
She replayed it along with.
'You're such a great mate' festival ticket fail
and
"We had a moment and now the moment's gone" tourist identification parade.
All of them a clear reminder that Lisa wasn't interested in her in any way other than just as her friend.
Carla wasn't asking for marriage proposals and relationship commitments but she was definitely interested in more than just friends with Lisa.
(Carla was a bit of a shitty friend in that respect, But she wasn't a tourist.... she didn't think?)
Tonights mental marathon of the 'casual attention' conversation was a stark reminder, that Lisa wouldn't even consider being anything more to her.
Not even a quick fling, a cheeky snog or a straight girl experiment to satisfy Carla's curiousity about what it might feel like to be with her.
Because Lisa didn't do casual and she didn't do tourists.
Not even if they ever found themselves lonely and drunk together, at a loose end, bored in Carla's flat with nothing to do but touch each other one night.
(She had fantasised about that one playing out way too many times already)
There wasn't much point trying to push down her attraction to Lisa anymore, her urge to kiss her and just discover the short blonde woman.
And of course she didn't want to spoil their friendship just for sex, but Carla knew they were both long in the tooth now and had, had their fair share of personal traumas.
Both had already been and done the 'love of their life' thing with other people over the years.
(Surely some casual exploration between them wouldnt really get in the way of their budding long term friendship would it?)
Even if Lisa had admitted she gets too involved, Surely not with Carla, she could trust Carla.
Carla pitied her own foolishness then for thinking this way and for fancying someone who a) thinks she's straight, b) is emotionally unavailable, c) is simply not interested in her.
Tomorrow when she meets with Lisa though she decides to try bring up the casual conversation again and get to the end of this night-time mental torture.
Because she is sure there is a vibe between them, she's sensed it!
she's sure Lisa is attracted to her, she feels it!
And sometimes when Lisa looks at her, she sees it!
She's going to end the pining for her friend and admit she wants more from her.
Because Carla might be a tourist but she goes for things if she wants them.
Tomorrow she will initiate 'project casual attention!'
(Admittedly its a crap name for a project!)
___
They agreed to meet in the Bistro, hunker in their bunker after work.
Lisa comes from work in her shirt and trousers all tucked in and put together. She has on Carla's favourite light blue jacket and her hair tied far too neatly back in a ponytail.
(Carla wants to pull it out make it messy with her fingers so its falling down around her shoulders)
They were close now, they had got a lot closer over the last few weeks, Lisa almost fast tracking herself to Michelle level status as a mate.
They spoke daily, sometimes just by text but Lisa often drops in to see her at work sometimes with the intent of collecting Betsy, other days just to check in on her
(Those days makes her tummy flutter)
They seemed to be drawn to each other almost attracted like magnets.
(Or maybe Lisa was just lonely and in need of a good mate)
Tonight was going to take a different turn however because Carla had caught the eye of some late 40s male at the bar, sat there on his laptop, drinking after a late work meeting.
As her and Lisa sat chatting, their usual easy banter, she could see him regularly glancing over at them both.
Lisa got twitchy at the interaction, clearly observing it too over the hour. The male finally moved
(shit he was coming over to them, eyes on her)
"Hi, sorry to interrupt you both, but would you be willing to let me buy you another bottle to share with your friend?"
(Flashy git)
she couldn't help smile though, his voice was warm and he was attractive, his eyes didn't even leave Carla's for a moment.
She could see Lisa roll hers and bristle slightly in her peripheral though.
"That's really kind of you but I think we are good thanks, another bottle and I will be rolling out of here" she said tapping the bottle.
"Well I will be more than happy to also carry you home" he replied.
(Fuck me, he was forward)
She heard Lisa choking on her wine mid sip and then slamming her glass down a little too heavily.
"Watch it mate! date rape themed chat ups your usual go to are they?" Lisa scoffed
She could see Lisa edging her fingers around her badge in her pocket, as she stared at him.
"No! Oh my god, sorry for how that sounded, I just meant , I'd like to buy you a drink, maybe ask for your number?"
He laughed nervously, he was actually tall, dark although slightly greying ,charming, handsome, her usual type and age. A little bit clumsy too like Peter used to be, which was endearing.
He wasn't Lisa though!
But she decided to play along anyway.
"A bottle of the house merlot then please" Carla smiled
She held up their empty bottle from the table for him to take like a waiter and marvelled at her power as he jumped to attention and took it with him.
She'd always had that affect on men,
however Lisa seems bloody immune.
(Another goal for her project, find out what Lisa's sexual kryptonite is)
He turned back to the bar winking and Lisa looked at her outraged.
"Seriously him! he's your type?" she said draining her glass.
Carla looked over, weighing him up like a cow at a cattle market.
"He's not bad, good bum, I might take his number" Carla smirked enjoying Lisa's reaction.
Lisa looked at her, shocked, silent
"Right!"
"well, whatever floats your boat I guess" she said
Suddenly looking around and finding the Bistro decor suddenly fascinating.
Carla felt like now it was the time to initiate 'project casual attention'
(she has no intention of giving her number to this random man, but she won't tell Lisa that)
"He's not marriage material Lisa, I'm simply thinking casual, you know, dust away some of the old cobwebs, it's been a while!!"
Lisa looked at her, clearly stunned by how the conversation had turned from condescending Kit and Sally's numerous name drops, to this
"Isn't that what vibrators are for?" Lisa finally said bluntly
Carla nearly spat her wine over the table, and Lisa looked like she was internally berating herself for bluntly spurting out the words.
Carla blanched then, trying to not imagine Lisa pleasuring herself.
"It's not quite the same though is it?"
"Not the same as someone else's touch?"
She had never seen Lisa go so red and it was delicious so she pushed.
"You really need some no strings sex Lisa, I think it would do you the world of good to get some physical affection"
"I told you I don't do casual"
Lisa shut it down quickly
"besides, I probably wouldn't even know what to do with a woman anymore, it's been that long" she said glumly.
(maybe they could work it out together)
Carla shook her head, trying to shake the thought.
"What about doing it with someone you trust, you know a mate, no judgement no expectations?"
She really is being too obvious now, her face heats up as she realises how it sounds,
Lisa laughs
"Don't know if you noticed, but I haven't exactly got a queue of eligible lesbian mates waiting around the corner to help me out!"
"In fact you are my only friend and you're straight"
Lisa looked at her then and blushed at the implication.
Carla feels herself panic and back tracks
"What about someone from work then instead?"
(No idea why she is pushing this agenda now, counter productive)
"I'm definitely not mixing work and pleasure, it's too messy"
The handsome dark haired man came back over interrupting them with the wine and handed his phone to Carla, flashing her a smile, she took it and typed in her number.
"My name's Jamie, by the way" he said smiling holding out his hand formally.
"Hi Jamie, I'm Carla?" She shook his hand back.
"This is my friend Lisa by the way"
She watched Lisa nod politely, grinding her jaw slightly.
"Well hopefully we could arrange a drink sometime Carla and get to know each other, but for now I'll leave you to your evening with your friend" He smiled as he walked off.
Lisa looked at her,
"Shall I go, leave you to it." She said sullenly,
It sounded like she was sulking.
"Although based on his chat up form, I'd like to stay and make sure you get home safe"
Carla panicked.
"No way, I'm here with you tonight, wouldnt ditch you for him" she smiled
Two minutes passed and Carla's phone suddenly flashed up on the table, she looked over at Jamie at the bar who was smiling back
"You gave him your real number?" Lisa said outraged
"I thought we were just playing him for free drink" she whispered
"Yeah well, I quite like him actually" she glanced over and he smiled,
(He was attractive but she'd drop it in a heartbeat to take Lisa back to hers instead)
She hadn't intended to give her number but Lisa's reaction had spurned her on
she placed her hands over on Lisa's then across the table.
"You're so uptight Lisa, maybe you need to consider just getting laid with someone?"
Lisa stared at her clearly taking it in, looking almost baffled by it
(She was going to chicken out)
she didn't have the courage to add the part about that person being her.
(Project mission aborted)
_____
"Jamie called, and I'm on a date tonight"
Lisa's head snapped up from the other side of her factory desk, distracted from her bacon roll and coffee, which she had brought them both mid morning on an early lunch.
"What?"
"Well, I thought why not, I'm single, spent many a lonely night in bed for the last six months"
Lisa observed her and Carla almost could feel her imagining them together. Something flashed across her face
After a stunned pause
"Well You'll need to tell me exactly where you are going and message me every hour when you are there, plus also call when home safe"
Carla looked at her dumstruck by the instruction.
"Are you serious?! She half laughed
"In fact, share your location with me, I use this app with Betsy" Lisa pulled out her phone shoving it at Carla.
(Wow this was clingy, but she liked it)
"Why don't you just come with me, be my personal bodyguard instead, you could wait outside while I have sex?" She mocked
"Hilarious!" Lisa said sarcastically
"Or we could just make it a threesome!"
(Or cut him out of the equation altogether)
"Urgh no way"
"I wouldn't touch a man with a bargepole as long as Kit"
"Plus I am not interested in threeways,I'm a one on one kinda girl"
Carla observed her rant
"It's interesting is that you actually just considered it though" Carla laughed,
of course she was joking but couldn't help pushing Lisa's buttons a bit.
Lisa blushed again rolling her eyes
"I just want to make sure you are safe, the dating world is dangerous, do you know how many sexual assaults and attempted murders I deal with originating from dating apps"
"Well It's not a blind date is it, I've met him and spoken to him"
"Are you planning on going back to his?" Lisa said abrubtly
"What!!! why?" She asked shocked.
"if you go to his I want his address texting to me so I can find you, here download this app?"
"Oh wow! Michelle just used to check my bed in the morning to see if I made it back this is another level mate!"
"You're more than just a mate Carla!"
She watched Lisa blush again as the statement slips out. Carla jumps on it
"Am I?"
Lisa is silent for a beat,
"Yes! you have become really important to me Carla"
Carla wanted to push,
(How important, important enough for more?)
She was definitely going to see this date through if this was the progress she got from Lisa.
(Was Lisa jealous or just being a concerned friend)
She downloaded the app, knowing full well her nights were now going to be consumed with checking out where Lisa was in the world.
____
She forgot to text Lisa,
she had been good through the evening, checking in at regular intervals or when Jamie was at the bar or toilet, up to the point of arriving at his address.
A swanky apartment in Salford.
She messaged the address, but then she never checked in again,
she actually quite liked Jamie, she felt the stirrings of a bit of something there for him. He seemed attentive, not overly tactile but it was nice to be touched even on the arm by him,
(Lisa barely touched her unless she initiated it)
He offered wine and they chatted while sat on his long corner sofa in front of a media wall mocked up into a fire on the screen.
It reminded her of the days living and married with Paul. Almost comforting in that respect.
He was a divorcée, with grown up kids,
he eventually made his move on her and she got swept along with it. Enjoying the attention for what it was.
The sex was ok, he was attentive enough but a bit boring.
She ended up thinking of Lisa to get herself off in the end
She imagined her underneath her, her fingers buried deep inside her as Carla ground her hips down. Lisa's mouth on her breasts, licking and sucking.
(Shit, she had it bad)
She made her excuses to leave shortly afterwards saying she had a work commitment early and she ordered an Uber.
He didn't seem to mind, seemed to be on her page and she felt a bit guilty as he pecked her cheek and saw her into a taxi safely.
She saw the messages come through then.
Lisa 10:43pm - just checking in? All still ok? Xx
Lisa 11: 51pm- You better check in soon or
I'll send a response car around to that address to bang the door down Carla?
She called Lisa from the Uber
"Are you ok?"
Lisa said rushed picking up after one ring.
"I'm fine!"
"What happened to checking in?" she sounded mad
"I'm fine Lise, im on my way home "
"You didn't stick to the agreement, one text an hour!"
Carla giggled
"Well I was kinda busy for the last couple of hours, if you know what I mean!"
she waited for it to land, for the reaction
"Oh" Lisa said quietly
There was a lingering silence after that.
Carla wanted to ask if she was ok, but she let it drop.
"Are you this intense with Betsy, no wonder she rebels?"
"Well I wouldnt let Betsy go and meet Mr date rape in the first place"
"Well I appreciate you checking in but I am fine and I'm pulling up outside my flat in five, then you'll find me all tucked up in my own bed on you app"
"Actually I'm outside yours"
What?
"Just finished work, I was in the area and I wanted to see if you were back safe"
"It's midnight Lise and You have me on an app don't you?"
"Yeah well you managed to hide yourself I was worried!"
"Oh sorry, Not intentionally"
She sat smiling into the silence on the phone at Lisa's level of care and concern.
"Fancy coming in for a brew, I'll be back in a minute? She asked quietly
Lisa hummed in agreement.
_____
"So you slept with him then?"
Carla looked at her across the sofa, a mug of tea each in hand.
She felt a little embarrassed, the woman who's fingers she had been thinking about inside her only just an hour ago.
"Yes, but!"
"But what?" Lisa asked
"I'm not sure that's a conversation for you and me, it's kinda more of a Michelle and me chat"
Lisa's head snapped up,
"Why? Because im gay?" Lisa sounded annoyed
"No!"
"because it's just not really the sort of thing you and me talk about is it?"
"Right"
Lisa said nodding, looking around
"Funny that because you were fully interested in my lack of sex life the other night"
(She had a point there)
"I'm not some prude Carla, I can handle hearing about how hairy his back was or about his non existent foreplay"
"What makes you think it was bad?" Carla laughed
"Well he's a bloke for one" Lisa said under her breath.
"Are you saying that if I had hooked up with a woman, it would have been a lot better?"
"Probably!!" Lisa dismissed
"So you have never had bad sex with a woman, then ever?"
Lisa reddened then,
"Well actually once I met a girl and lets just say, she was very emotional about sex, she cried when I made her come, and then wanted to log an entry in her diary before she would reciprocate, needless to say I didn't go on another date with her again after that"
Carla laughed
"I thought you didn't do casual" she challenged
"I was twenty!!!"
"I guess you could argue, blokes are less emotional but they come with other challenges"
"Which is exactly why I wanted to keep you safe tonight"
They sat in contemplative silence, a heaviness in the air.
"So!! did he go down on you?" Lisa then pushed
"Lisa!" Carla felt herself blush then, laughing again
"Thought not, it was bad?"
"I never said that"
Lisa raised a brow waiting
"You can't judge good or bad sex on whether or not they.....do that!.... down there!"
Carla mumbled pointing at Lisa's crotch and regretting it
Lisa nodded her head back and forth and looked up at the ceiling exaggerating her thinking.
"I think you will find, that in the lesbian sex world 'that down there' is a pretty big deal"
Carla observed her suddenly feeling embarrassed
(Lisa talking about cunnilingus and making people come was not helping her cause right now)
"Ok, he was charming, diligent and mediocre in bed, I've had better orgasms if that's what you're asking"
Lisa blushed
"You actually did come then?" she said quietly around her cup of tea smirking.
Carla felt her face redden,
(There she was again talking about orgasms. could she just get on with it and make her come)
"Let's just say, I know my body well enough and what position to work so I can get off on it"
Lisa was fully red now and Carla hid a smirk.
"Maybe we should change the subject!?l" Lisa stuttered
"this might be too much for my little innocent gay brain after all"
"You were the one that wanted to know, be that friend!!" Carla challenged laughing
"Well I've changed my mind"
"But just for the record, sex with someone shouldn't be such hard work to get yourself off"
"Ah charming"
"Speaks the woman that doesn't do casual"
Lisa blushed again,
"doesn't mean I didnt used to have good sex"
"Maybe you should show me what I'm missing?"
(That slipped out before she thought about it)
Carla watched Lisa unable to maintain eye contact, the comment had made her tummy tingle.
"Carla!!"
"How much did you actually drink tonight" Lisa chastised
(Nice one Lisa, back to blaming the alcohol, and tourism)
She tried another tact
"Don't you miss it? the contact the closeness of someone, making you feel good"
Lisa looked sad for a moment and Carla suddenly regretted the angle she was pushing at.
"Of course I do"
"I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me" Carla said quietly feeling bad for pushing her agenda.
(Lisa wasnt ready, she had to maybe stop this silly notion)
"It's fine, you're right, I am probably making sex into too big a thing"
she watched Lisa trace fingers around her mug thoughtfully
"I guess its been nearly four years since Bex and I were intimate and even longer since anyone else"
"decades in fact" Lisa did a humourous laugh
"Nearly four years? I thought Becky passed just under three?" Carla asked puzzled before the realisation dawned on her.
Lisa looked embarrassed.
"We were 16 years into a relationship, our sex life wasnt on top of our priorities"
"plus we had a 12 year old at home, who had just had sex education at school and was horrified by us sharing a bed and made it known, it kinda killed the mood a bit"
"Don't be embarrassed" Carla soothed
"me and Peter were hardly at it like rabbits, it's what happens in long term relationships"
"which is why I think a casual hook up isn't such a bad thing"
"Was yours definitely just casual?" Lisa asked quietly,
it felt like a charged statement into the quiet room. Like she was interviewing a suspect.
"Yep, I dont plan to see him again, nice guy, but no mega spark"
Carla's phone pinged suddenly buzzed on the coffee table Carla looked at it, Jamie!
"That's him isn't it, he's text you already?" Lisa sounded annoyed for some reason.
(Was she jealous!)
She watched Lisa roll her eyes and look across the room
"Are you jealous?"
It was out before she thought about what she was saying
"NO!!" Lisa eyes shot up staring at her in shock
"We are just friends"
"Arnt we?!" She sounded a little doubtful, a little hopeful too.
(That was interesting, the fact she went there)
Carla wanted to mention it then, her attraction. The casual idea, Ask Lisa outright, but she had also just had sex with a man!
Acknowledging the thrumming tension between them right now while she had just got back from that was probably not the sexiest idea,
she chickened out.
"I just mean, are you jealous that I'm getting some and you arnt?" Carla laughed trying to joke
"Not if involves a hairy chest and a penis no!
"happy to give that a miss!"
Carla laughed, the words came out before she could think again.
"am I missing out? On being with a woman I
I mean?"
Lisa froze suddenly them jumped up.
"I should go now it's late, its nearly 1am, and Betsy doesn't like been in the house alone all night"
Lisa was out of the door before Carla could say any more.