Chapter Text
- Story Start -
Chu Zhao clutches the broken pieces of the jade tassel in his fist, squeezing it until the jagged edges cut into his palm and blood flows. He holds onto the sting as plans for getting rid of Xiao Jue flit through his mind, one after another.
He has no idea where he goes after that or for how long. He must’ve walked around for hours. By the time he returns to Chu Mansion, night has fallen and his legs feel like lead. Sometime between then and now, that burning rage has subsided, leaving behind an aching void inside his chest.
(Later, he would realise it’s not the anguish of heartbreak – not really – but the knowledge that he’s lost He Yan’s friendship and respect for good.)
Ying Xiang comes forward to greet him as she always does.
“Gongzi, have you met He-guniang? How about your marriage?”
“There will be no marriage.” He walks past her with dragging steps. “Don’t bring it up.”
He knows she’ll abide by his wishes and won’t mention it again. With no plans other than getting dead drunk, he crosses the courtyard. Xu Pingting comes down the steps, smiling at him. A part of him hopes she hadn’t heard his reply to Ying Xiang, the rest of him doesn’t really care. He walks past her without a word, but she grabs his arm.
“I heard about your imperial marriage decree and came specially to congratulate you.”
He pulls his arm free and continues walking, but she quickly steps in front of him.
“Why the haste, Chu-daren? I only thought fools like me would cling to unrequited feelings, be used by others and then discarded like trash. I never imagined that a shrewd man like you could also experience unrequited desires.”
He’s always found her spoiled princess behaviour annoying, and her affected high pitched voice irritating. He holds his tongue, but Ying Xiang doesn’t.
“Xu-xiao jie, if you continue this outburst, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
Wait. That’s right. Why should he let this vixen laugh at him?
“If you’re done venting,” he says evenly, “I’ll arrange your return.”
Xu Pingting bursts out laughing, breathless and a little crazed.
“Return? Return where?” She looks around. “You killed my father. My family home is sealed. I have neither a home nor a father. Even the lowest servants look down on me!”
That last one seems to affront her the most. She paces back and forth before him, like she’s playing the part of the wronged maiden on a stage.
“You tell me to return? Where should I go? Tell me.” She turns and grabs his shoulders. “Tell me!”
She gives him a shove, unexpected enough that Chu Zhao stumbles back, almost bumping into Ying Xiang.
“Xu-xiao jie,” Ying Xiang reprimands again as Xu Pingting only laughs.
The annoyance simmering inside Chu Zhao bubbles up, breaking past his apathetic stupor.
“What? You think you’re the greatest victim? What of those sold into slavery and forced to grovel? Or those displaced and begging on the streets? Your father’s death was nothing but his deserved punishment!”
Xu Pingting looks stricken at his outburst.
“You still live in luxury, only deprived of your former status.” Chu Zhao advances a step, resentment burning in his chest. “And you’re whining now?”
Xu Pingting gives a pathetic sniffle.
“You deceived me, betrayed me, and dumped me. But I could let it all slide. How could you betray my father? He may have been a monster to the world, but he never did you any harm.”
Chu Zhao can’t believe his ears.
“In this situation, you still act superior. I don’t know if this is pitiful or laughable.”
Done with her antics, he walks past her. She hurries to block his way again.
“Chu Zhao!”
That’s when he sees the blade in her hand and freezes on the spot.
Unforgivable.
He’s always prided himself on his clever mind and his decisive actions. He’s patient and calculative and careful, but he’s never been one to hesitate. There’s absolutely no excuse for him to be surprised by Xu Pingting and a knife she pulled from Heaven knows where. There’s even less excuse for him to just stand there and let it happen.
Before he can even blink, Ying Xiang slips between them and takes the blade, her body jerking forward with the impact. He stares into her stunned eyes as time slows down, each second marked by his heartbeat. Then she falls, he grabs her and they end up on the ground with his arm around her shoulders.
“Ying Xiang… Ying Xiang…”
He doesn’t hear the knife clattering to the floor, deafened by the roaring in his ears.
“Guards!” He looks around wildly. “Go fetch a physician. Hurry! Hurry!”
Four guards rush up, two apprehending Xu Pingting and the other two rushing off. Chu Zhao turns back to Ying Xiang.
“It’s alright. Don’t worry, Ying Xiang. You’ll be alright.” His voice is shaking, so is the rest of him.
“I’m not scared,” Ying Xiang whispers. “I’m only worried you’ll end up all alone.”
Always thinking of him even after she’s been stabbed.
“From now on, stop pushing yourself so hard. Spare…” She raises a trembling hand to his face. “Spare yourself.”
Her eyes close. He grabs her hand, but it slips from his fingers and falls to the floor with a finality that makes his heart lurch in shock.
“Chu Zilan. This is your karma!” Xu Pingting sounds a little crazed. “Those you love remain unattainable. Those who love you abandon you. This is your karma.”
Despite his heartbeat thundering in his ears, he hears her words clearly.
Those who love you abandon you.
He hugs Ying Xiang’s slight frame tightly, one hand cradling her face to his neck as tears start spilling from his eyes, burning hot. His mind flashes back to the first time he met her. He’d passed by a brothel in a small town one night and saw the madam scolding her for not getting any customers, slapping her face and telling her to get lost. He hadn’t hesitated to step in, staying that woman’s hand and asking Ying Xiang to go with him.
If Ying Xiang was grateful that he rescued her that night, then Chu Zhao is even more so. He’d gained an ally with unwavering devotion and loyalty. She’d been his assistant, bodyguard and confidant while he…
He’s been so stupid.
He, a master strategist with his sharp, analytical brain which had helped him rise swiftly in the Imperial Court. He had gained the Emperor’s favour and trust, been given promotion after promotion.
Yet he’s still the stupidest man alive for not treasuring what he had… until he’s lost it. He hugs Ying Xiang’s body and weeps for his loss… until he finally becomes conscious of the faintest puffs of air against his neck. Heart leaping to his throat, he lowers her, not daring to breathe. He holds a shaking finger before her nose and feels her faint breathing. Then looks lower and sees the slightest rise and fall of her chest.
“Ying Xiang?” He breathes. “Ying Xiang?”
Her eyelashes flutter.
“Ying Xiang, don’t leave me!” He looks around. "Where's the doctor! Why isn't he here yet?!"
A guard runs up to him and bows.
“Daren, he’s on his way here now.”
“Tell him to hurry!” Chu Zhao gets to his feet carefully with Ying Xiang cradled in his arms, trying not to think of how soaked his right sleeve is, under her shoulders.
There’s no sign of Xu Pingting. He would deal with her later. Saving Ying Xiang is far, far more important.
“Ying Xiang, you’re going to be fine, I promise.”
If this is his karma, he vows he will do his best to change it.
- o -
Chu Zhao paces up and down outside Ying Xiang’s room, rather like a nervous father awaiting the birth of his first child. He pays no mind to the worried whispers of the guards and maids huddled nearby. He’s never given any thought to the running of his household which only proves that Ying Xiang has done an exemplary job of it and is highly respected by everyone here.
By the time the door opens, Chu Zhao has paced enough that he can’t feel his legs anymore. The doctor steps out and nods at him.
“Ying-guniang will live.”
The sweetest words Chu Zhao has ever heard. His knees almost buckle with relief.
“The attacker was aiming for your heart, but since Ying-guniang is shorter than you, the knife went into her shoulder instead. She will recover.”
Almost in tears, Chu Zhao thanks the doctor with a deep salute and promises a handsome reward before hurrying inside.
A-Lin, the maid who assisted the doctor earlier, looks up, startled. Ying Xiang is lying on her right side, dressed only in her inner robes with her left shoulder bare.
“Chu-daren, Ying-guniang isn’t dressed!” A-Lin protests, her eyes widening at the sight of his tear-stained face.
Chu Zhao pays her no mind, his eyes going from Ying Xiang’s pale face to the white bandage behind her shoulder. As if feeling his gaze, she opens her eyes.
“Gongzi…”
“Ying Xiang.” Chu Zhao sinks to the floor beside the bed. “How do you feel?”
“Gongzi.” Ying Xiang shifts like she wants to sit up and winces.
“Don’t move!” Chu Zhao’s voice comes out sharper than intended. Ying Xiang freezes at once, her gaze flying to him.
“I’m sorry. I startled you.” Chu Zhao takes her left hand in both his own. “Thank you for saving my life. Rest now. Heal.”
“I can-“
“No.” Chu Zhao shakes his head for good measure. “No. You are to do nothing but stay in bed, eat and sleep.”
He raises an eyebrow at her until she nods, looking a bit put out.
“But Xu-xiao jie…”
“I will handle her.” Chu Zhao gets to his feet, biting back a groan when his legs protest. “Rest now.”
He squeezes her hand and gently brushes a strand of hair from her forehead.
“I’ll be back later,” he says and turns to leave. He doesn’t see A-Lin smiling at Ying Xiang who turns pink.
- o -
It turns out that Chu Zhao doesn’t need to deal with Xu Pingting after all. The guards were taking her to the Magistrate when she wrenched herself free and pulled out another blade from her sleeve. She slashed her throat before the stunned guards could stop her, splattering blood across their stunned faces.
Ignoring the crowd of gawking and gossiping onlookers, Chu Zhao looks down at her white face, frozen forever in an expression of misery. He can’t help feeling a twinge of pity for her.
“Arrange for her to be buried next to Chancellor Xu,” he orders his guards. It’s the least he could do. Unexpectedly, He Yan’s accusing words come to mind - that he was quickly becoming a second Chancellor Xu.
Was it only this afternoon?
He hadn’t believed her words then, still bent on winning her hand in marriage. Now, he does. The realisation sits like a stone in his stomach. He knows what he has to do. He just prays it won’t be the end of his career.
- o -
After a quick wash and change of clothes, Chu Zhao returns to Ying Xiang’s room next to his. She’s alone and sleeping, her face free from pain. He sinks to his knees once more, content to kneel at her side and gaze his fill.
She’s always so capable and skilled, he never once considered the prospect of losing her. What happened earlier had shaken him to his core and scared him senseless. It was as if the ground had suddenly vanished beneath his feet, as if he had found himself in a speeding carriage with no horse, or in a boat rushing down a river with no oars.
He knows now. It’s not He Yan, it will never be her. She’s beautiful and brave, intelligent and skilled, tenacious and unafraid. Her light is a blazing fire, blinding and dazzling. But it’s not his to hold, to cherish and protect.
The light that belongs to him is a smaller one. Not as blinding, but constant and warming and steadfast. It’s stayed by his side all this while, only it was overshadowed and thus unseen. Not by He Yan’s light, but by Chu Zhao’s own ambitions and greed.
“I’ve been so blind, Ying Xiang,” he whispers. Reaching out, he takes her nearest hand in his own. Her hands are small, but sturdy and so capable. “Please give me a chance to make amends.”
- Chapter End –