Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Jeon Jungkook was so focussed on what he was doing that he didn’t hear the host of the radio station introducing an interview, or when the interview started. It wasn’t until his client spoke up, actually, addressing the other tattooist in the room who had been reaching for the laptop that controlled the radio station. 

“Can you turn this up?” They said with a hopeful lilt to their voice, and Jungkook blinked, his concentration momentarily broken as he looked up and then listened to the voice that was playing through the speakers in the shop. His eyes widened slightly before he was scrunching his nose and looking back down quickly. Lee Felix was shooting him an apologetic look as he turned the volume up a little rather than changing it completely, like he usually would when RM came on. At Jungkook’s request, of course. “I love him,” Jungkook’s client had a smile on their face as they settled back comfortably in the padded chair, arm relaxing again. Jungkook chose not to respond verbally, nodding instead and then leaning forward again. 

RM—Kim Namjoon—was talking about his latest album, the one Jungkook had listened to more times than he could count but only ever when he was alone, and Jungkook tried to ignore it, but it was impossible. Even though Namjoon’s voice was only through the speakers, he could see his face as he spoke, the way that his mouth would move to shape words and his cheeks would dimple. Jungkook was over Namjoon—he was—but it could be difficult at times, when his ex was one of the most revered artists in the country and his face was plastered everywhere, both in day-to-day life as well as online. It had been especially difficult recently, after the release of what some were calling a break up album. But that wasn’t any of Jungkook’s business, it wasn’t as though he had spoken to Namjoon in nearly ten years now. 

“There’s been some talk recently about your close colleague’s new tattoo—Agust D!” Jungkook pursed his lips together at the mention of Min Yoongi, who he’d spoken to much more recently, one of those last times when he had been the one to give Yoongi that tattoo. “It’s got fans wondering if you have a tattoo, or if you’ve thought about getting one?” The interview must be being filmed in front of a live audience, because there were laughs and a few screams that became louder briefly. Namjoon laughed and it was the kind of laugh he made when he was buying himself some time to articulate an answer. 

“Ah, I don’t know, there isn’t much that I would want permanently on my skin, and the person who puts it there, that’s important to, you know?” Namjoon replied. “The only person I would let tattoo me—I don’t even think they’re in the country anymore.” Jungkook froze, blinking as he stared at the coloured ink on his clients arm, so close to the image being completed. “The last I heard they were in America, actually, so I don’t think I’ll be running into them anytime soon.”

“Oh—so we won’t be hearing about a tour anytime soon, will we?” The host asked, the conversation shifting onto another topic, which thankfully still held Jungkook’s clients attention and gave him a moment to catch his breath.

He had been in America, just a few months ago. 

He’d never talked about America with Namjoon, though…

It had been seven years. 

Namjoon wouldn’t be talking about him. 

Jungkook recovered and tuned out everything but his art, ignoring the rest of Namjoon’s interview and focusing completely on the tattoo. He hummed a few times in response to some of the things his client said, but other than that, remained quiet. At least until the end of the interview, when he was wiping down his client's arm and he couldn’t distract himself as much. 

“What if your friend—the tattoo artist—what if they were here in Korea? What would this tattoo be?” Jungkook swallowed hard, hating how closely he was paying attention as Namjoon responded. 

“Oh, ah…” Namjoon trailed off, and it sounded as though he was thinking hard about the answer. “I’m not sure. They were always a better artist than me, and they know me really well, I think I’d let them design something.” Jungkook blinked, a thick, stifling feeling in his throat. “Or, uh—” Namjoon cleared his throat and let out a laugh that was completely fake. “Knew me, anyway. So I’m not sure! I could end up with anything!” 

It was him. 

Namjoon was talking about him. 

And just like that, he was being thrown back to his early twenties and his hands shook a little as he slid away from his tattoo desk and stood up to clear his head. 

The things Namjoon did to him.

Jungkook liked his life. 

It was good—he was really lucky. 

He had a job he enjoyed, and he had a family who had always loved and supported him, and an apartment he could now afford to live in by himself, and his dog Bam, and friends who always stood by him and made him laugh. Seven years ago when he and Namjoon had broken up, it had been difficult at first, but they had never asked their friends to choose between them, especially the hyungs that Namjoon had introduced Jungkook to, and Min Yoongi was still one of Jungkook’s favourite people in the world while also remaining Namjoon’s best friend and confidant. He was lucky. 

And that break up, the one when he had been twenty-two, while it had been the most devastating event of Jungkook’s life, it hadn’t broken him. It almost had, if Jungkook didn’t have his friends and family he’s pretty sure it would have, but he was lucky, he’d been okay. He’d gotten there. He’d never fallen in love since, probably because he had never fallen out of love in the first place, but there had been people that he liked, people he had dated for a while and some he had just slept with, and it had been fine. Some of it had been good, but never great. But that was okay. 

He really liked his life, although he wouldn’t go as far as saying he loved it. 

It was almost two months after Jungkook heard Namjoon’s interview on the radio that he was waiting on an afterhours appointment. It was a friend of Yoongi’s, which wasn’t particularly unusual, especially in the past year or so, when there were more people in the spotlight getting tattooed. Choi Hajoon loved it, it was good for his business, and he, Felix and Bang Chan knew how to be tight lipped about their clients, which had meant more people had sought them out more frequently. Sometimes Jungkook knew the people Yoongi referred to him, a lot of the time he didn’t, and either way, everyone in the store knew how to be discreet. Today was no different, Yoongi sending him a message that he had someone who wanted a tattoo and that they were only free in the evening. The parlor kept odd hours, happy to adjust around their clients when needed, and so Jungkook had no issue with hanging around later once Hajoon, Felix and Chan had left, finishing up the cleaning out back as he waited for Yoongi’s friend to show up. The bell chimed a little after seven, and Jungkook washed his hands before quickly walking toward the side entrance, unlocking the door and fixing a smile on his face. 

“Hey! Come in and—” Jungkook broke off, his eyes widening, because he would recognise that person anywhere. 

It didn’t matter that he was wearing a mask, a cap pulled down low, and a pair of sunglasses—Jungkook would recognise them anywhere. 

Kim Namjoon. 

Jungkook blinked. 

“Hi,” Namjoon exhaled before looking over his shoulder. “Can I come in?” He asked and Jungkook took a step back automatically. 

“Right, yeah,” Jungkook replied, holding his breath automatically because he had no idea what cologne or scent Namjoon was wearing these days, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to know. He was already feeling so completely out of his depth as he closed the door behind him and then turned around to face his client. 

Namjoon. 

He blinked again, not sure what to say. 

“I…” Namjoon had a big presence, and it wasn’t just because he was tall, and Jungkook knew from that second he saw Namjoon in the place that he had spent so many hours, he was never going to be able to purge that sight from his memory. “I’m sorry for just showing up like this,” Namjoon began awkwardly, taking off his sunglasses, and Jungkook swallowed hard as their eyes met for the first time in years. “I—don’t be mad Yoongi. I asked him not to tell you—begged him, actually—because I wasn’t sure you’d agree,” he shifted awkwardly from foot-to-foot, still staring at Jungkook. Jungkook couldn’t decide if he was mad at Yoongi, although the decades long friendship between Yoongi and Namjoon wasn’t exactly something he could fault, Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung would do the same for him. “I’ve wanted to see you for a while, actually, this just…I guess this is the only way I figured out how.” 

“So you’re not here for a tattoo?” Jungkook asked and it was Namjoon’s turn to blink. Jungkook realized that was the first thing he’d really said. 

“No, no, I am!” Namjoon quickly assured him, stepping closer, quickly taking off his hat and then before Jungkook could really prepare himself, he was taking off his mask, and his face was completely exposed to Jungkook. 

It felt as though the air had been punched from his lungs, his chest physically feeling the blow of Namjoon’s fucking face, and Jungkook couldn’t help but shake his head and let out a laugh of disbelief. Honestly, it helped to break the spell and Jungkook felt like he could breathe properly again, although he decided to keep his eyes trained away from Namjoon’s face, because while he was already aware that he had somehow become even better looking than when they had been together, it was more intimidating in person that on a TV screen or a billboard. 

“R-right,” Jungkook ducked his head because if he kept looking at Namjoon’s face, he might pass out. 

He was better than that, he wasn’t the kid he’d been back when he and Namjoon had been together, and he wasn’t completely head over heels for the older man anymore. 

That didn’t mean that this didn’t feel like a punch to the stomach, abruptly having Namjoon right in front of him again, after all these years. 

“Right, uh,” Jungkook cleared his throat. “Have you sent the graphic you were thinking of getting through to us?” He asked, even though he really should have been more prepared than that, and he usually was, it had just been such a busy day. 

“Yeah, by email,” Namjoon responded and Jungkook nodded, opening up their account and easily able to identify the burner account Namjoon had used to send through the photo. He glanced up quickly at Namjoon the second he saw it, and Namjoon was staring right back at him with intense eyes which made Jungkook immediately look back down. 

“Like Maehwa-Agi,” he laughed a little under his breath and Namjoon took in a sharp inhale above him before he was finally moving away, turning to look at the artwork plastered over the walls–posters, painting, photos of work they had done–and Jungkook set about getting the graphic printed. 

“You remember her?” Namjoon asked and Jungkook just hummed under his breath, because he wasn’t about to go into how he remembered the names of every single plant that Namjoon had over the course of their relationship, that wasn’t what they were here to do. 

And it would bring up something ugly and buried that he’d prefer to leave locked away. 

Jungkook printed out several different sizes for Namjoon to look at, and then took their time figuring out where Namjoon wanted it. Initially he had mentioned wanting it on his shoulder, but then he mentioned his ankle, and even though it was quite a simple design, there would still be quite a bit of detail for the thin skin of his lower leg to take. 

“Are you sure?” Jungkook asked as Namjoon stared down at the little scrap of paper just above his ankle bone. “You don’t have to rush, take your time, I can give you some space if you want to think it over a bit longer,” he offered. He hadn’t had dinner yet and there was a place just around the corner where he would be able to quickly grab something.

It would also give him a chance to catch his breath and send off an annoyed message to Yoongi for not giving him a heads up.

“I…” Namjoon trailed off, and Jungkook knew that out of politeness, Namjoon didn’t want to drag things about and make Jungkook wait. But at the same time, Namjoon took his time to process things, and something as permanent as a tattoo–honestly, Jungkook was surprised he was here at all. He had always talked about getting tattoos and potentially going into that field while he was in university, but Namjoon had never expressed a desire for any. “Would that be okay?” 

“Sure,” Jungkook nodded with a polite smile, instantly moving away from his work station and where Namjoon was sitting. 

He desperately needed some fresh air.

It was only once he had left the shop with his wallet and phone in hand that he probably should have asked Namjoon if he wanted any from the store, but he wasn’t going to go back in. Namjoon wanted  some space, and Jungkook absolutely needed some. 

I can’t believe you didn’t tell me he was coming

Jungkook didn’t need to clarify who. Yoongi would know exactly who Jungkook was referring to. He didn’t expect an answer back quickly, though, because Yoongi often worked late and he left his phone on silent, and so he focussed on getting food, because everything felt better when he’d eaten. 

He picked up a sushi roll since it needed to be something he could eat quickly, he’d probably get ramen on his way home once this tattoo was finished, and then hovered by the fridges with drinks. He stood there for a lot longer than he should have before picking out a banana milk for himself and a sweet tea for Namjoon, and then quickly walked up to pay before he could second guess himself any further. The ahjumma behind the counter smiled at him and asked him about his day, he and the other boys from the shop saw her a couple times a week and she was always so sweet to them. Jungkook felt bad that he could barely pay attention to what she was saying this time, bowing politely before he was leaving and walking back to the tattoo studio. 

To where Namjoon was.

Namjoon.

Joonie.

His Joonie–not his Joonie, but Namjoon that used to be his Joonie.

Jungkook stopped outside the studio and stared at the side door for a lot longer than he would like to admit. Everything at the front entrance was closed down and turned off and part of Jungkook just wanted to leave for the day and pretend that all of this never happened. 

But he couldn’t do that, and he opened the side door, stepping into the studio and clearing his throat as he walked toward his workstation, where Namjoon was still hunched over. Jungkook remembered back when they were younger and they would all hang out together–Namjoon and Jungkook and his hyungs–and Jung Hoseok was relentless in telling Namjoon to fix his posture. Hoseok was always looking out for all of them like that, and he still did–it was no wonder he was such a good choreographer and dance teacher. 

“Hi,” Jungkook said quietly as he put the drinks down on the table where he kept his iPad and printer. “Did you need some more time?” He had unwrapped his sushi roll on the way back, and he finished the last bite in a large mouthful that had Namjoon casting him an amused look before he held up the second smallest option.

“This one,” Namjoon said. “I want this one…Here,” he leaned down, holding the paper against his ankle, and Jungkook nodded. 

“Okay, I’ll get it on some transfer paper and we can put it on,” Jungkook told him, turning quickly to wash his hands in a sink, drying them off and then double checking the size that Namjoon had chosen. It was easy to switch his brain off and just slip into his usual work rhythm, because this was all a routine he had done a thousand times before. Telling himself that it was just any other client made it a bit easier when he shaved a small section and swabbed it down with disinfectant before he patted the design against Namjoon’s skin, asking him to double check it before they went ahead with the actual tattoo. Sometimes his clients wanted to talk, sometimes they wanted music, sometimes they wanted silence–usually Jungkook left it up to them to decide. Today he made the decision to play one of his Spotify playlists through the speaker in the corner of the room, hoping that it eased both of them. 

At least he wasn’t the only one on edge, he had felt the tension Namjoon was carrying when he had applied the outline for the tattoo. 

“You’re sure you’re happy with it?” Jungkook checked one last time. “You can have a look in the mirror, or I can wash it off and reapply it if you’d like to look at it from another angle–”

“No,” Namjoon interrupted him, and Jungkook raised his eyebrows. “No,” Namjoon said again, softer this time, but he nodded firmly. “I’m happy with it there.” Jungkook nodded, and he didn’t say anything else as he indicated where Namjoon sit, his legs spread out in front of him and the left side of his pants rolled up at the hem. Jungkook finished setting his tools up and washed his hands again before rolling his stool over and shifting Namjoon’s foot into position. 

He tried not to think about the fact that Namjoon’s feet looked exactly the same–of course they did, why would his feet look any different–and he cleared his throat before he began, the pen machine in his hand as his other held Namjoon’s foot to the side. 

“You ready?” He asked and Namjoon nodded, but his entire body was tense, his eyes wide as he looked down to where Jungkook was prepared to tattoo him. Jungkook forced a gentle smile, but he made sure not to meet Namjoon’s eyes directly. He had dealt with plenty of nervous first timers. “I’ll just do a dot, just so you can feel it, you can tell me to stop and walk right out of here if it’s too much.” 

“What–no,” Namjoon told him, staring determinedly down at the tattoo machine. “I’m not going to be like Phoebe from Friends and just have a dot.” Jungkook couldn’t help the snort he let out, vaguely remembering the episode Namjoon was talking about. Namjoon used to watch Friends religiously when they had dated and lived together to help improve his English, and even though it wasn’t something that he was particularly interested in, Jungkook would have watched paint dry or grass grow if that was something Namjoon wanted to do. 

“Okay, deep breath,” Jungkook instructed, and he felt as Namjoon inhaled deeply. “And let it out.” Namjoon exhaled, and Jungkook pressed down with the gun before softening his grip to look up at Namjoon’s expression. His reaction was similar to maybe seventy percent of his first timers; a look of surprise followed by relief when they realized that the pain wasn’t as bad as they had expected. For most people, it was the anticipation that was worse than the actual pain itself.

“Oh,” Namjoon stared down at where Jungkook was following the blue outline he had pressed on earlier, and the artist felt the older man relax. It made it easier for Jungkook to do his job, and he knew that it would get a bit more painful when he went over the lines that were closest to his ankle bone, but Namjoon would be able to handle it. 

“Have a drink from that if you’d like,” Jungkook indicated over toward the bottle of sweet tea, and Namjoon’s eyes widened in surprise as he realized the drink was for him. “The sugar will help.”

They were quiet for the five or so minutes, even though he knew they were both able to feel the tension in the room. He had been hoping that his playlist would help to break that, except then Wild Flower conveniently started playing on Spotify and Jungkook’s eyes widened as he pulled his hand back and his head jerked up to look at Namjoon. Namjoon looked surprised, but not in a bad way, a smile spreading across his face and his cheeks reddening even though he tried to hide it with the way his head was ducked forward. 

“Your, uh…Your new album was really good,” Jungkook muttered, a little nervously as he glanced up at Namjoon before focussing back on the design in front of him. He felt Namjoon tense up a little before forcing out a breath, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. The air around them felt a bit suffocating and he really didn’t like it, and when he got particularly nervous, sometimes he just blurted out whatever was thinking. “Someone really fucked you up, huh?” He said with an awkward laugh which made Namjoon freeze, and Jungkook quickly pulled the tattoo gun away, just in case he moved. 

But then Namjoon laughed, his shoulders curling up as he laughed so deeply that it was silent and Jungkook couldn’t help the way his lips curved upward a little, at the familiar belly-laugh that he never thought he’d hear again. 

“Shit, Jungkookie,” Namjoon laughed. “I guess that’s one way to put it.” Jungkook cringed a little but couldn’t help the pleased glow in his chest, the same proud feeling he used to get whenever he managed to make Namjoon laugh when they had been together. 

“You and hyung were always better with words than me,” Jungkook mumbled and Namjoon smiled as he adjusted himself, settling back down and going still as Jungkook continued the tattoo. 

“I think you always managed to get your point across just fine,” Namjoon replied gently and Jungkook nodded without saying something, because he wasn’t really sure how to respond to that. They fell quiet again and he continued with the tattoo. It really wasn’t going to take long at all–honestly, Namjoon spent longer trying to figure out where he wanted it positioned than it was going to take for Jungkook to finish the tattoo. There would probably need to be some touch ups, just the usual kind after the healing process had completed, and Jungkook always freely offered that, but anyone could do it. Namjoon wouldn’t need to come to him. 

Although Namjoon didn’t need to come to him this time either, but he had. 

They were both quiet as Jungkook continued and when he announced that he was finished, and slid his chair back to give Namjoon some space, he saw the surprise on Namjoon’s face. 

“Really?” He asked, twisting his leg so that he could look down at the outline of the tree. “Shit–it took me longer to figure out where to put it!” He gasped, wide eyed and smiling, repeating Jungkook’s earlier thought, which had the artist smiling to himself as he pulled off his gloves, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.

Namjoon looked younger when he smiled.

When his dimples showed. 

Jungkook had been absolutely obsessed with his dimples–his dimples and his thighs.

He cleared his throat and stood up, rumpling up his gloves together and tossing them toward the bin in the corner of the room and waving a hand toward the large mirror.

“Take a minute getting up–some people can feel a bit woozy,” he said. “And then have a look, let me know what you think.” It was a simple tattoo, but the outline was nice, and it suited Namjoon, it looked good on his skin. There was something dark and twisty in Jungkook’s chest about a piece of him being left permanently on Namjoon but he wasn’t going to address that now. Or ever. 

“Thank you,” Namjoon said quietly, swinging his legs over the side of the chair immediately, just like everyone always did without waiting. Jungkook started taking apart his equipment and tidying up, stripping the plastic wrap off the chair to dispose of and trying not to look at where Namjoon was examining his tattoo in the mirror. “Jungkook-ah, this is great–thank you so much,” Namjoon turned around excitedly and pressed his palms together, bowing his head forward. “I really appreciate this.”

“It’s–” Jungkook broke off, because he knew that ‘it’s my job’ wasn’t what Namjoon meant. “You’re welcome,” Jungkook dipped his head back in a small bow.

“And thank you for this,” Namjoon held up the bottle of sweet tea which was almost completely gone now. Jungkook had never liked that particular brand all that much, because he had found it too sweet, but he knew that there wasn’t anything that existed that was like that for Namjoon. He would drink honey right from the bottle if he was allowed–and there had been times he had, Jungkook had witnessed it right in the middle of the tiny kitchen of the apartment they used to share. 

“Of course,” Jungkook gave him a small smile, because Namjoon was smiling at him, and Jungkook had always found it impossible not to respond to that. Namjoon’s smile had always been sincere and infectious and warm and it had made Jungkook’s heart flutter since he had first met Namjoon.

“I…” Namjoon trailed off, pausing before nodding to himself and looking as though he was working himself up to saying something. “I was wondering–” he was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing loudly in his jacket, which he had left over the back of the chair. “Fuck,” he muttered, hesitating as it looked as though he thought about moving over to his jacket or finishing his sentence. “That’s my manager's ringtone,” he muttered, glancing over at Jungkook, and Jungkook wondered if it was still Kim Seokjin. He hoped it was, Seokjin had always looked out for Namjoon and he and Jungkook had always gotten along well. There were a lot of scary, exploitative people in Namjoon’s world, Jungkook had only gotten a glimpse of it right at the beginning and it had been intimidating enough then, he could only imagine what it was like now. Yoongi would know, but Namjoon and pretty much anything related to him had been off-limits conversations for Jungkook ever since they broke up, he had made that very clear. 

“That’s okay, I’m just doing the clean up now,” Jungkook told him, even though he knew that Namjoon was hesitating because it seemed as though there was something he wanted to say. Honestly, though, whatever it was, if it wasn’t about his tattoo, then it wasn’t something they needed to talk about.

“I just–” Namjoon’s phone stopped ringing, and he looked relieved, gathering himself and about to speak again before it started again, and it sounded even more insistent this time. Jungkook didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Namjoon let out an annoyed grumble under his breath before walking over to his jacket and fumbling around to pull out his phone. “Hyung? Yeah, I’m here,” Namjoon answered, sounding resigned, and Jungkook let out a sigh of relief before turning back to cleaning up. Namjoon spoke quietly, shrugging into his jacket and Jungkook set down a little tub of paste to smear over the tattoo and for Namjoon to take home with him after. He also had some plastic wrap, just to wrap around Namjoon’s ankle while he was wearing pants to protect it from any rubbing. It would be fine in a couple of hours, but Jungkook didn’t want there to be any friction against it right now. “Sorry about that,” Namjoon murmured as he slipped his phone back in his jacket. “I didn’t realize–my ride is outside.”

“Of course,” Jungkook nodded. “I’m just going to put some of this on? And this–” there was a sheet that Felix had drawn up for them, with standard tattoo aftercare details, as well as some designs around the page. “You can take home, with this,” Jungkook passed over the tub, before opening a much bigger tub of the paste and dipping his fingers inside, leaning down to gently rub the two fingers over the sensitive, slightly reddened skin. “Instructions are all on there and if you have any questions–” Jungkook broke off because that would be the part where he would offer his personal contact details and tell them to call whenever they needed.

Technically, Namjoon already had Jungkook’s. They’d never changed. Namjoon’s probably had, though. 

“Anyone at the store would be happy to help,” he concluded with a brief nod, and Namjoon nodded as well with a thin-lipped smile. It was clear that there was more that he wanted to say and there was a lot, a lot that they could both say, but Jungkook had no idea how to even begin. Jungkook also held out his phone with QR code for the shop’s payment details and Namjoon quickly transferred the amount for the tattoo. He was still staring at Jungkook and after a beat, he opened his mouth again but then his phone vibrated. He sighed and looked back down and saw the message there.

“I should go,” he said quietly, not sounding particularly happy but resigned to the fact. That was something that Jungkook had gotten used to as Namjoon’s career had begun to blow up, the way that his schedule was suddenly just–constant. 

“Okay,” Jungkook nodded. Namjoon hesitated for a moment longer, and the air felt as though it was thickening around them as they stared at each other. Namjoon’s eyes…They had always been one of Jungkook’s favourite things about Namjoon, the way his dragon eyes would lock onto Jungkook, as though they could see right through him. 

“Okay,” Namjoon echoed back and took a few steps back, toward the side door where he had come in. Jungkook knew that he should make himself busy and turn away, but he couldn’t help it, he felt the need to keep watching Namjoon as he opened the door. “Can I see you again?” Namjoon suddenly asked, turning back to look at Jungkook again. 

“I…” Jungkook licked his lips quickly and one of his hands lifted to pull at his ear, a nervous habit he’d had for a long time. “Yes,” the word was blurted out before he could even think it through, and Namjoon looked surprised by how loud he had responded, but there his lips shifted into a hopeful smile. 

“Okay, I–okay,” Namjoon sounded a bit flustered, in a sweet way that would have had Jungkook smiling like an idiot a few years ago, always feeling so proud of himself when he managed to get Namjoon flustered. He managed to just nod his head and keep himself together until Namjoon had closed the door. Then he collapsed on the closest seat nearby, slumping forward with his head in his hands and letting out a long groan. 

Honestly, Jungkook had been doing really well. 

For a few years there it had been really hard and he had not been doing good. He almost failed his classes, the only reason he managed to get through was when his friends had found out what was happening. There had been some difficulty with Yoongi and Hoseok because they had been Namjoon’s friends first, and Jungkook hadn’t wanted to bother them, had refused any help that they offered him. It had been Jimin who reached out to them and that was then they appeared at the apartment door late at night, reassuring Jungkook that they loved him just like they loved Namjoon, and that they were there for him too. 

That had helped, knowing that he hadn’t lost two people who had been incredibly important to him, and especially Yoongi–it felt like Yoongi understood a lot of what he was going through. Now, years later, Jungkook knew that Yoongi did, given the relationship he’d had with Hoseok at one point that had exploded in both of their faces. He would never have known about it if Hoseok hadn’t said anything, which was something that still hurt Jungkook a bit, given how close he and Yoongi were. 

Jimin and Taehyung had been his safety net for a long time, swarming around him and practically snarling any time anyone mentioned Namjoon, especially Jimin. Jungkook knew that was something that was still one of the main issues between Yoongi and Jimin, given Namjoon was Yoongi’s best friend, and Jimin still viewed Namjoon as someone who didn’t deserve to walk on the same planet as Jungkook. Jimin and Yoongi had friction over other things as well, Namjoon was just another thing to add for them to argue about, so it was probably a good thing they weren’t around each other much. 

Jungkook had moved in with them when he had quickly realized he was going to need to leave the apartment that he and Namjoon had lived in together. Namjoon had pre-paid the rent for the few months following their break up to give him a chance to try and get housing through the university, or sort out somewhere else, but Jungkook couldn’t stay in the apartment that he and Namjoon had spent years together. There were too many memories and he had only managed to spend a few nights there after their break up before he’d been packing his things up and sorting something else out. 

His connection with Namjoon, especially as he had grown in popularity, had been something that was private, something that he kept close to his chest. While his family obviously knew, and some of his friends, he only ever spoke about Namjoon with Jimin and Taehyung and his therapist, and especially as the years had gone on, it had become less and less.

Indigo had come out a couple of months ago and it had been the first time Jungkook listened to it was the first time that he had cried over Namjoon in over a year. He was pretty proud of himself, and so was his therapist and Jimin and Taehyung. He had absolutely sobbed over the tracks, curled up in his favourite blanket while wearing the stupid green, threadbare jersey that had once belonged to Namjoon, with the music pouring directly into his ears. It had felt different, though, more cathartic than depressed, and it had only been after that he had slowly started listening to Namjoon again. 

It had been hard stopping, given Namjoon’s voice, his words, his music–it had been something that had soothed Jungkook for so many years, but he’d had to stop after they broke up. Sometimes he couldn’t help it, sometimes when he was having bad days and just feeling sorry for himself, he would listen to RM, listen to the old mixtapes that Jungkook had had the privilege of discussing with him at one point. At being let into Namjoon’s warm, kind world that had eventually become too big and busy for him. 

Jungkook exhaled as he turned his music up just a little as he tightened the strings of his hoodie. They were coming in the colder months and the evenings had a cool breeze that bit at Jungkook’s nose and cheeks as he walked his two year old Doberman, Bam. There were some days that he brought Bam into the tattoo studio–he was only ever allowed in the reception area and not back where they came things sterilised, of course–and  there were other days that Jungkook would take him to a doggy day care that wasn’t too far from his apartment. Today had been one of the days that Bam had come into the studio, and that meant Jungkook needed to make sure he took him on a good walk in the evening before they headed back home. 

He was going around to Yoongi’s tonight and taking Jimin with him–even though Jimin had grumbled and Yoongi hadn’t responded to Jungkook’s messages when Jungkook said that Taehyung was out of town, and it would just be him and Jimin. Hoseok was going to be there and a couple of their are other work friends, and Jimin was his moral support in case the conversation of Namjoon came up at all and he would have Bam, who was always a good distraction. That was why Jungkook was making sure to take him out for a walk now and get most of his energy out so he wasn’t jumping on everyone when they went over. 

Yoongi had talked to Jungkook exactly one time since everything had happened with Namjoon, and Yoongi had apologized twice in a short phone call, so Jungkook knew that he felt bad. Yoongi didn’t apologize if he didn’t mean it. Jungkook had accepted the apology because honestly, it had been good to see Namjoon. It hadn’t been easy at the time, but afterwards, it had gone so much smoother than he had ever imagined, and it didn’t seem like some big scary thing anymore, even though it wasn’t something that was at the forefront of his thinking like it used to be. Neither he nor Yoongi were big about talking on the phone, so it was surprising when Jungkook felt his phone ringing and pulled it out to see Yoongi’s name on the screen. 

“Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi got straight to the point. “Namjoonie is coming tonight.” Jungkook stopped short and Bam let out a surprised noise as his harness tightened, turning back to look at Jungkook. “I didn’t know–Seokie thought I meant you weren’t coming tonight when I said that Taehyungie was sick, he didn’t realize you and Jiminie were coming and–he invited Namjoon. He just told me. He just–rang.” Jungkook could hear that he was flustered, Yoongi wouldn’t usually be overexplaining. “I didn’t realize until he just called me and he’s on the way over with Namjoonie now.” 

“I don’t have to come,” Jungkook offered quietly, wondering what Yoongi wanted to happen. He didn't want to make things difficult for his hyung, not with how much he did for Jungkook. 

“What–no, no–that’s not why I was ringing!” Yoongi quickly said. 

“You want me to come?” Jungkook frowned, and Bam was looking back at him impatiently, and Jungkook resumed his walk. Even though they were coming back from the park, Bam was still bouncing around a little, eager to continue his exercise. 

“Of course I do,” Yoongi told him. “And–and when I told them that you were coming, Namjoonie–he said he was looking forward to seeing you.” Yoongi’s words hung between them, the only noise filtering through the phone coming from the street noise around Jungkook as he walked. 

Namjoon was good at putting on a mask and being polite–although he generally wasn’t like that around his friends, but he could be about this. Maybe he was just trying to keep the peace.

On the other hand, he had mentioned wanting to see Jungkook again.

Maybe he was just being polite, again, but–Jungkook didn’t think Namjoon would just say that.

“Okay,” he found himself answering. “Okay, I’ll…I’ll see you tonight.” He wasn’t surprised that Hoseok and Namjoon were heading over earlier than the rest of them, given how close the three of them had always been, but still–Namjoon. Yoongi and Hoseok had always been very careful about keeping them separate, and now this would be twice in less than two months. “Are you sure this wasn’t on purpose, hyung?” He asked, only half-suspicious. 

“The first time was on purpose, I was planning on waiting another year before I attempted another integration,” Yoongi muttered and Jungkook’s lips tugged up in a smile. “Oh, shit–do you…Do you want me to tell Jimin?” His voice had dropped and he actually sounded more nervous at the possibility of talking to Jimin than when he had first called Jungkook. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell him,” Jungkook replied, already wondering how the conversation on the way over was going to go. 

Jimin had only met Namjoon a couple of times, given he had met Taehyung and Jimin partway through college, when they were in their final year, and things with Namjoon were already falling apart. He’d never been around when things were good with Namjoon, even though Jungkook had told him a lot, but he’d never actually been there when Jungkook was really happy with Namjoon. Jungkook couldn’t blame Jimin for the fact he didn’t like his ex boyfriend–Jimin was incredibly protective when it came to his friends, it was one of the things that Jungkook liked most about him–but it could make tonight a little awkward. 

“Come on, Bam,” Jungkook shoved his phone back in his jacket pocket as he picked up his pace, breaking out into a jog. Bam happily ran next to him, and it didn’t take them too long to get back to their apartment. Jungkook showered and took maybe a little bit longer doing his hair and getting dressed than he usually would when he was just going over for dinner at his hyungs place. Jimin was going to say something as soon as he noticed–and if not then, as soon as it was mentioned that Namjoon was going to be there tonight. 

And he did.  

“So that’s why you’re wearing eyeshadow,” was Jimin’s response when Jungkook mentioned that Namjoon was going to be at Yoongi’s when they were stopped at a red light only a few blocks from Yoongi’s. Jungkook didn’t bother to deny it, because Jimin was right, and they both knew it. “Is Yoongi trying to set you guys up or something?” Jimin’s arms were crossed over his chest and his lips were pressed together in a pout that made Jungkook smile as they light turned green and he accelerated forward. Bam seemed to sense Jimin’s unhappiness from where he was in the backseat, letting out a whimper and trying to reach forward over the seat and nuzzle at Jimin’s shoulder. 

“No,” Jungkook shook his head firmly. “Hyung didn’t know,” he said and he could see Jimin fixing him with a long look out of the corner of his eye. “He didn’t,” Jungkook repeated. He knew Jimin and Yoongi didn’t get on the best, and sometimes they would even get snippy with each other, and it’s not like they would hang out together alone, but both of them only wanted the best for him. He wasn’t sure why Jimin actually doubted Yoongi’s intentions when his hyungs had only ever been good to him–and anyone, in their friend group. “Jimin-ssi,” Jungkook said quietly as he pulled into the parking lot opposite Yoongi’s apartment building. “Why don’t you like Yoongi?” He’d asked before, but it had been when he was drunk, and he didn’t even remember if Jimin had answered. 

“It’s not that I don’t like him…” Jimin dragged out his sentence, which was pointless because Jungkook was staring at him now and he knew when Jimin was trying to dodge around something. “I just–I just think he can be a bit of an asshole, that’s all.” Jungkook’s nose wrinkled and he tipped his head from side to side as he thought. Yoongi could be incredibly blunt, although Jungkook had known him for long enough now to have actually seen the way he softened himself around the people he cared about–and Jungkook was lucky to be one of them. And Jimin was too, even if neither of them wanted to admit it. Jungkook and Taehyung had exchanged a few looks when Yoongi had gotten Jimin’s favourite drink right or snapped at someone who had come onto him in a club. 

“He can be,” Jungkook shrugged. “But he’s always looked out for us.” Because it was us. Jimin could pretend all he wanted, but Yoongi knew how important Taehyung and Jimin were to him, and he had gone out of his way for both of them over the years. He always invited them when he was having a get together and was inviting Jungkook, he paid for their meals when they all went out, and their drinks if they went to a bar, and he got them gifts when he went on work trips and was bringing something back for Jungkook. 

“Yeah–now,” Jimin muttered. “But it took us fucking begging for him to do it in the first place.” Jungkook blinked in surprise, not too sure how to respond to that. Jimin hadn’t been in the best mood for the past couple of weeks, and other than saying something was happening at work, he hadn’t been talking to either Jungkook or Taehyung about it. He seemed to realize that he was being overly critical, especially when nothing had warranted it, and Jungkook visibly saw him straighten out and roll his shoulders back. “Sorry,” he shook his head as he looked across at Jungkook, reaching back to pet Bam’s head as a way to calm himself down. “I’ve–that wasn’t fair, I’m just tired.” 

“We don’t have to stay late tonight,” Jungkook said quietly, reaching out and pushing back Jimin’s hair from where it was uncharacteristically messy and in front of his eyes. Jimin nodded and his eyes closed as he pressed into Jungkook’s touch.

Sometimes Jungkook wished that he could fall in love with Jimin. His friend was kind and protective and loving and funny and beautiful and it felt as though life would just make a lot more sense if they could be together. Jimin had mentioned something along those lines a year or so ago, when he was going through another rough break up because he always ended up with the wrong kind of guy, and they had kissed a couple of times and fooled around but it just didn’t feel right. They were better off close friends, and that discovery had drawn them even closer. 

Jungkook knocked a few times on Yoongi’s door even though usually he let himself in, waiting a few moments before putting in the code. Jimin raised an eyebrow, obviously surprised by Jungkook’s actions, but he didn’t say anything, and Bam just nudged against his thigh excitedly. Hoseok was close to the door as they opened it, and he smiled widely at the three of them, kissing Jungkook and Jimin on the cheeks before dropping to his knees in front of Bam to give him the most attention. Jungkook couldn’t help the way his eyes instantly lifted to look into the lounge, and just like Yoongi had warned him, Namjoon was there, sprawled out on the couch with a book in his lap, one from Yoongi’s bookshelf. He wasn’t looking at the book, though, he was looking directly at Jungkook, his eyes wide, and appearing completely shocked at Jungkook’s presence. 

It seemed as though he was still under the impression that Jungkook wasn’t coming tonight. 

“Jungkook-ah,” Namjoon’s voice was deep and quiet and Jungkook stared at him, embarrassingly stuck on the jacket that Namjoon was wearing, his breath caught in his throat. A jacket Jungkook had brought him from an op shop years ago, that had been far too big for him then, hanging off his shoulders and over his fingers, but it had been so warm and good brand that he could actually afford and in Namjoon’s favourite colour, a deep blue. 

It fit him now, stretched over his shoulders and no longer enveloping him like it had when he’d been in early twenties. 

“Oh, Bam!” It was Jimin who spoke up and Jungkook twisted around to see that Bam had left Hoseok behind and was deftly stepping around Jimin and Jungkook, heading right toward Namjoon. Bam ignored Jimin and Namjoon’s eyes widened before he was putting his book aside and shuffling to the edge of the couch. 

“Bammie,” Jungkook’s voice had a sterner edge to it that had Bam stopping in his tracks and turning to look back over his shoulder. “Are you okay with him?” Jungkook asked, stepping in closer and kneeling down behind Bam, slipping into dog dad mode as he patted Bam’s back. “He’s really friendly, he just gets a bit excited.” He’d had Bam for two years now, and they had done well with their training, and Bam didn’t jump on everyone like he used to, which was good. 

“Of course I’m okay with him,” Namjoon was smiling and reaching out a hand for Bam to sniff, which he eagerly did, his nose bumping happily against Namjoon’s palm and then lifting and catching his chin. “Oh!” Namjoon let out a surprised laugh and Jungkook couldn’t help but stare as Bam licked Namjoon’s cheek before accepting Namjoon’s pats with a wagging tail. 

Namjoon had always loved animals–they both had–and there had been a point where they had talked about getting a dog together. The timing just wasn’t right, with neither of them home enough for a puppy, and they talked about getting one once Jungkook graduated university, except then obviously Namjoon’s career had taken off and their relationship had fizzled out… 

It had been Taehyung who had suggested that Jungkook look for a dog a couple of years ago, given how much Yeontan meant to all of them. Jungkook had thought about it, and he’d spoken with his boss about bringing a puppy in, and they’d needed to make a lot of boundaries about where a dog would be able to be in the studio, given how sections needed to be sterile, but they’d been open to it. Bam had been a puppy when he had been rescued from a breeder who was treating the litter terribly, and for the first couple of visits that Jungkook had made to the shelter, he barely left the little bundle of blankets in the corner. One morning, though, when Jungkook had been helping feed the puppies, he’d come up to Jungkook and bumped his little nose against Jungkook’s hand, and Jungkook had promptly fallen in love.

Even though Bam was excitable and friendly, sometimes he was still wary when it came to men. But of course Namjoon didn’t count, and Bam was wagging his tail and shoving his head into Namjoon’s lap, seeking out more attention as Yoongi came into the room. 

“Oh good, you’re here,” Yoongi’s eyes flicked between the three of them–Namjoon, Jungkook and Jimin–before he was looking directly at Jungkook. “Help me with dinner?” He asked, even though they all knew that Yoongi didn’t need help. He usually preferred being in the kitchen alone, but Jungkook didn’t say anything as he got back to his feet and patted Bam a few times before leaving to join Yoongi. He looked back over his shoulder to narrow his eyes at Jimin before stepping into the kitchen, and Jimin looked back at him with an innocent expression before Hoseok was dropping an arm around Jimin’s shoulders. 

“You didn’t tell him I was coming?” Jungkook asked quietly as he stepped into the kitchen and Yoongi shrugged a shoulder. 

“Hoseok invited him, Hoseok can deal with him not realizing you were coming,” he replied and Jungkook let out a laugh. “Jackson is going to come later, he’s picking up a friend from the airport.” Jungkook had met Jackson Wang a couple of times now, and they had always got on well. He’d also seen photos of him with Namjoon quite a few times online, so obviously he was friends with them both. “Tablo is going to be here later, he’s just picking Haru up from piano class.” Jungkook’s eyes lit up at the mention of Yoongi’s friend's daughter. 

“Oh, cute,” Jungkook cooed. “Is Ashley still here?” 

“She flew back a few days ago,” Yoongi replied and Jungkook hummed as he looked over what was bubbling and frying on the stove. Everything Yoongi cooked was amazing, and he had been the one to help Jungkook out a lot over the years but Jungkook’s food had never come out anywhere near as good as Yoongi’s. “How did he take it?” Yoongi asked, tipping his head back over his shoulder, obviously indicating back at Jimin, and Jungkook arched an eyebrow. 

“You’re more worried about him than you are about?” He pouted and tipped his head to the side. “Is he your new favourite, hyung?” Jungkook’s hands went to his chest, feigning pain while Yoongi rolled his eyes and just went back to stirring what was on the stove top.

“Everyone knows you’re my favourite, Jungkookie,” Yoongi muttered, never particularly comfortably with affectionate platitudes, his ears turning a little red at the admission. Jungkook’s pout immediately dropped as he laughed and draped himself over Yoongi’s back, chin hooked over his shoulder as he looked at what he was cooking. Yoongi began to murmur about what he was cooking, pointing at a pot that he had already taken off the stove with Jungkook happily clinging to his back in a very common move of his, when Namjoon was suddenly speaking behind them.

“Hey, hyung, I was wond–” he cut off as he stepped into the kitchen and Jungkook turned with Yoongi, straightening up a bit as he saw Namjoon looking at the pair of them. “I…” he trailed off again, his eyes flicking between the two of them, and Jungkook was surprised that there almost seemed to be anger on Namjoon’s face. It disappeared quickly, though, and Yoongi stepped away from Jungkook toward the sink, clearing his throat as he began to wash his hands. “Is there anything I can do to help?” Jungkook thought Namjoon’s voice sounded a little strained, but at the same time–it had been years since he had really known Namjoon. Jungkook gave Namjoon a small smile before walking to the fridge to take out the drinks he already knew were there, including the two cartons of banana milk, leaving Namjoon and Yoongi in the kitchen alone. 

The night went fine–perfect, actually, in terms of spending the evening with an ex for the first time ever, but in terms of the nights that Jungkook had spent at Yoongi’s, there was definitely some tension. Jimin made sure to avoid Namjoon, which was easier once Jackson and Tablo arrived, and dinner was brought out, and Jungkook also made sure to stay on the opposite side of the room. It was made easier by the fact Hoseok and Yoongi were also trying to facilitate that, and it was only as they were all getting ready to leave that the tension was brought up and Jungkook realized that Jackson seemed to know nothing about the relationship that Jungkook and Namjoon had once had. 

“Was there a fight or something before we got here?” Jackson asked with his eyebrow arched as he helped Jungkook carry dishes back into the kitchen. 

“Huh?” Jungkook pretended to act as though he didn’t know what Jackson was talking about, even though he clearly did. Jackson gave him a look as well, as though he knew Jungkook was acting clueless on purpose but he carried on anyway. 

“Everyone is stiff as fuck in there,” he said with a half shrug. “You and Jiminie good getting home?” There had been nights when Jungkook and Jimin and Taehyung had drunk a bit too much when they were with their hyungs, and Jackson or Hoseok were always happy to make sure they got home safely. 

“Yeah, I only had one shot of soju,” Jungkook replied with a smile. There was no way he was risking not keeping his head completely screwed on straight, and he was glad, because even when he was sober and sitting on the opposite side of the room from Namjoon, he still couldn’t help the way his eyes had kept finding his ex-lover and watching him. 

“I didn’t know that you knew him–RM,” Jackson said as he leaned against the bench beside where Jungkook started washing dishes, and Jungkook was glad that he had something to focus on. “Although that would make sense since you know Yoongi and Seok.” Jungkook just shrugged as he scrubbed at a bowl that quickly cleaned. 

“I–yeah,” Jungkook mumbled with a shrug, putting the bowl on the drying rack and refocusing on the next bowl. “Guess so.” He could feel Jackson watching him, but then Hoseok joined them in the kitchen, and the conversation shifted. 

His relationship with Namjoon wasn’t one that he disclosed to anyone new. Namjoon’s career had started blowing up while they were together and both of them had already seen the change in the way that people treated him, especially Namjoon. And what happened between them was personal–something that had broken something in both of them, even if Jungkook hadn’t been able to see that for a long time. He still felt like Namjoon was able to move on much faster than him, and hadn’t broken as much, but once he had been able to listen to Namjoon’s music again, and watch interviews he did–ones where he spoke of an ex-partner that he had been head over heels in love with in his early twenties…He knew it was something that both of them kept close to his chest, and he didn’t imagine Namjoon told many new people about him either. 

When Jimin and Jungkook left that evening, neither of them lingered while saying goodbyes. Jimin clung to Hoseok for a while, which wasn’t uncommon, while Jungkook only hugged Hoseok and Yoongi, while usually he would go around the room. It would be awkward doing that now and pointedly not hugging Namjoon, and the evening hadn’t been bad at all, but he was tired. He was tired and it was taking a lot for him not to stare across the room at where Namjoon was sitting across from him in sweatpants and that jacket that Jungkook had brought him.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked as they were driving home, the car quiet except for Bam’s happy panting in the back, and music playing on a low volume. 

“I’m okay,” Jungkook murmured after a moment, because he was. He wouldn’t have been if this was a few years ago–maybe even a year ago–but he had made it through the evening, and he didn’t feel like drowning himself in a bottle of whiskey. He would definitely have a glass, though, and a couple of cigarettes, he wasn’t even going to pretend like he wasn’t. But that was better than he would have reacted before. 

“Did you want me to stay over?” Jimin offered softly and it was then that Jungkook looked over at him with a small smile. 

“I’m okay, Jimin-ssi,” Jungkook told him. “I promise.” Jimin watched him for a moment longer before nodding, and they fell into a comfortable quiet the rest of the way to Jimin’s apartment. Jimin reached back to give Bam a goodbye pat on the head before kissing Jungkook on the cheek and hopping out of the car. Jungkook waited until Jimin had disappeared into the building, and then pulled away from the curb and drove home. He took Bam out for a walk outside at the nearby park before heading upstairs, and Bam bounced happily around his legs as he topped up his water and food. He was just getting himself a drink when his phone vibrated with a message, and he pulled it out, expecting something from Jimin or maybe Hoseok or Yoongi. 

It was Namjoon. 

Could I see you tomorrow?

Their last messages in the thread were from six years ago, and the whole screen was filled with  messages sent only from Jungkook. Namjoon hadn’t responded to him since seven years ago, his final message to Jungkook asking if he could pick up dinner, two days before he had left. 

Well, no. It was no longer the last message from him.

Could I see you tomorrow?

Jungkook stared at the screen, his eyes wide, and it felt like he was imagining things.

If that’s okay.

A second message.

Jungkook exhaled, putting his phone on the kitchen counter face down and bracing his hands against the bench in front of him and dropping his head forward. 

He had dated since Namjoon. 

He had slept with people since Namjoon.

He hadn’t fallen in love, but he had gotten over Namjoon.

He had. 

…But the first person that Jungkook had ever loved was Namjoon. He had loved Namjoon before they had ever gotten together–before Namjoon had even looked at Jungkook in that way. It had felt like this…Out of this world, out of body experience when Namjoon had kissed him one evening, and even moreso when they had started dating. 

He had gotten over Namjoon, but there was a part of him that would always love him.

Yeah, that’s okay.

Namjoon waited outside for him after work, which was definitely the better option than coming in and Hajoon seeing them together. He was wearing a mask and had his hoodie pulled up with a beanie underneath but Jungkook wondered if that worked to obscure his identity from anyone else when he was still so obvious to Jungkook. 

“Hi, hyung,” he said tentatively and Namjoon’s eyes lit up when he saw Jungkook approaching. “I…I need to go and get Bam.” They had agreed to meet after work, but the conversation had ended as it had gotten later and Jungkook had been too busy to really respond today. He had told Namjoon what time he would be finished and Namjoon had said he would come by but for some reason Jungkook just–he hadn’t actually thought Namjoon would be here. Waiting for him. It was such a real thing that it felt absurdly like a fantasy, because Jungkook had had a lot of dreams about this exact domestic scenario.

Except it wasn’t a dream, it was real and Jungkook had to think about the fact that Namjoon was walking alongside him back to his apartment, quietly asking him questions about his day. Namjoon was clearly curious when they took the elevator up to his floor–and that was the one time that the security guard who had been giving them space actually moved in closer to them. He really hadn’t expected this to happen–for Namjoon to be coming to his apartment building, to his home–it was a big step–it was a giant leap off a cliff that he hadn’t been prepared for and he could feel his heart beating faster as they approached his apartment door. 

“I’ll just be a minute,” Jungkook murmured as he opened the door, and he left it open for Namjoon to follow in after him because that was what was polite, but his skin tightened at the idea of Namjoon in his space. That also felt strange, because he and Namjoon had been friends before they had gotten together, and then they had lived together for almost two years and to this day, Jungkook still considered Namjoon the person who knew him best in the world. Taehyung came close, but there were things that Namjoon had seen, and things that they had shared that Jungkook hadn’t with anyone else. There was still a loss that Jungkook felt, and it was a bit disorientating that Namjoon was suddenly here. 

Not that Jungkook couldn’t have avoided it, but Bam was waiting for him at home, and would feel bad delaying their usual walk. There was a university student who he had met at the dog park a few months after he had adopted Bam, who worked as a dog walker and sometimes got helped out by his boyfriends. Jungkook had run into Kang Taehyun over and over again until they started talking, and it worked out perfectly that Taehyun could come and walk Bam in the mornings most days of the week, and one of his boyfriends, Choi Yeonjun, would come the two mornings that he had an early class. When Jungkook went to Busan unexpectedly and couldn’t organise to take Bam like he usually did, he’d been more than happy to come and get Bam through the day and make sure he was fed and given lots of pats. 

There were a lot of people that Jungkook was fine with in his home, but…It felt different with Namjoon. 

Namjoon seemed to realize that he was feeling uncomfortable, or maybe he felt uncomfortable himself, and he waited in the open doorway as Jungkook walked inside. He slipped out of his shoes, quickly crossing the room to where Bam had excitedly sat up in his crate, looking out to where Jungkook was walking across to him with his ears perked happily. 

“Hey, Bammie,” Jungkook whispered, leaning in to scratch behind Bam’s ears, letting him out of the crate and walking back toward the door where Bam’s harness and things were waiting. “Come on,” he murmured and Bam happily trotted after him and seemed happy to see Namjoon waiting for them. Bam bounced a little around Namjoon’s feet, happily accepting pets as he waited for Jungkook to get his harness on and he changed shoes, even though the ones he had been in were comfortable enough to walk in. 

It felt far too normal for this to be the first time they were doing this in seven years, taking a walk with each other. Bam was happy for his extra walk of the day and he seemed to approve of Namjoon, bumping at his hand occasionally as he circled back to them. The security guard that was following them thankfully held back and gave them a lot of space which Jungkook appreciated. Despite how natural it felt to walk beside Namjoon, there was still tension and some awkwardness that hung in the air between them, and that would have just been even more uncomfortable if there was someone who was close enough to listen to their conversation. 

Except after a while, once they had reached the park where there was a space to let Bam ran around and they could walk away from the crowds on the city streets, things flowed. 

Namjoon asked Jungkook about his work, and then shyly admitted to following Jungkook’s Instagram for his tattoo and art work on one of his burner accounts. Jungkook had blushed before jabbing his elbow lightly against Namjoon’s side, teasing him about stalking him, and Namjoon protested and then cleverly shifted the conversation and Jungkook didn’t try to stop him. Namjoon talked about his work, and about travelling and how much he hated it and Jungkook asked about some of the things he had done over the past few years–things that he clearly had to be following Namjoon’s life at least somewhat to know. Namjoon raised an eyebrow but Jungkook refused to admit anything as he purposefully looked away and Namjoon dropped it, answering Jungkook’s questions.

Namjoon had always been Jungkook’s favourite person to talk to–he had always been so smart and articulate and exciting, and that wasn’t any different now. He lost track of how late they had stayed out until they both realized how dark it had gotten and Jungkook shivered as he rubbed his hands over his arms. It wasn’t too cold, but he hadn’t worn anything over the short sleeved shirt he’d on through the day and the evening breeze was raising goosebumps across his exposed skin as he lifted his fingers to whistle for Bam. When he looked back at Namjoon, the older man was already shrugging out of his jacket and holding it out to him. 

“Oh no, I’m–”

“Just take the jacket, Jungkook-ah,” Namjoon told him and Jungkook swallowed hard, his fingers flexing at his side. Namjoon had a sweatshirt underneath and wasn’t going to be cold if Jungkook took the jacket, but it was just…Jungkook had worn Namjoon’s before, too many times to count, back when they were dating. It felt like it meant something having Namjoon hold his jacket out to him. 

But that wasn’t possible. 

“I’m okay,” Jungkook gave him a small smile before looking away quickly and pretending to focus on Bam. Bam looked a bit confused about all of Jungkook’s fussing but he didn’t mind, standing patiently as Jungkook attached the leash to his harness. When Jungkook straightened up, Namjoon was standing right there, and he only waited long enough for Jungkook to realize what was happening before he was draping his jacket over Jungkook’s shoulders. Jungkook’s mouth fell open to protest or say something, but the jacket was warm and it smelt like Namjoon, and his chest locked up briefly. He swallowed hard and accepted it, sliding his hands through the arms and shivering as he processed the thought that the warmth he was enjoying was literally from Namjoon’s body. “Thank you,” he mumbled, staring down at Bam, refusing to look up. “We should start heading back.”

“Okay,” Namjoon agreed quietly. They talked less on the way back, but it still didn’t feel uncomfortable. It should. Namjoon was his ex, they hadn’t seen each other in almost a decade and there was so much unsaid between them, and yet…Jungkook found himself getting excited as he spoke about a big piece he was starting for a client next week that he had spent a long time designing, and Namjoon watched him intently, with intent eyes that made Jungkook feel as though everything he said was the most important thing. 

There had been a time in Jungkook’s life when Namjoon looking at him like that was the only thing that mattered. 

Something in the way that his heart was thudding fast in his chest told him that things weren’t so different now, even all these years later. 

Namjoon walked him right back to his apartment door, this time signalling for his security to wait down in the lobby while they went up in the elevator and Jungkook tightened his fingers around the leash of Bam’s harness. When they said goodbye, Namjoon’s hands twitched at his sides and for a brief, terrifying moment, Jungkook wondered if Namjoon was going to hug him. Thankfully he didn’t, instead dipping his head forward with a smile. 

“Goodnight, Jungkook-ah.” 

“Goodnight, hyung.” 

It was only after the elevator doors closed on Namjoon and Jungkook had closed the door realized he was still wearing Namjoon’s jacket. He paused for a moment, swallowing hard as his hands lifted to grip the front of the jacket, looking down at it for a moment and his heart thudding in his chest. After a minute or so passed, he straightened back up, tightening the jacket around him before walking toward the kitchen to get Bam and his own dinner prepared. 

They started messaging after that, and even though it was clear Namjoon was busy, he kept finding time to see Jungkook. Once every couple of weeks, and Jungkook saw the night after one of their dinners together that he was flying out to America the next morning despite them staying out late, and that filled him with a strange sense of nervous anticipation. And then it became once a week, and Jungkook’s heart and head were starting to fill with ideas that he had absolutely no right thinking. The first time that Namjoon organised to see him twice in a week was when Jimin and Taehyung found out what was going on.

“You’re seeing him?!” Taehyung’s eyes widened.

“You’re dating him?!” Jimin cried, his voice pitching louder. 

Jungkook had no idea what he and Namjoon were doing, which made things even more difficult to explain. They were…Friends. They were doing things that friends did. He went out to the movies with Hoseok, and he went to dinner with Jimin, and he went to museums and art galleries with Taehyung…He complained a bit about the last one, but it was different going to those things with Namjoon.

It had always been different with Namjoon. 

…Which is why they couldn’t be friends. Why they weren’t friends. 

And even though they were messaging, it was always sporadic–which was probably more Jungkook’s fault, he was terrible when it came to replying. And when they were together, they talked about a lot of things, but they never talked about what was really important, or what had happened between them. Or what they were doing now. 

Jungkook could ask.

He should ask.

That’s what a mature adult would do, and that’s what he was now, very different from the shy teenager he had been when he and Namjoon had first gotten together. 

Except…

Jungkook was pretty sure he was more scared now than he had ever been back when he was a teenager and had a crush the size of Saturn on Namjoon. He’d made it obvious back then, even when he hadn’t meant to, and he’d been the first one to confess, telling Namjoon that he admired him and then leaving it up to Namjoon to decide what he wanted to do next. That had happened a lot in their relationship, Jungkook putting things out there–putting his heart out there–and Namjoon taking the lead, making the decisions for them, and Jungkook had always really liked that.

However if Namjoon said now that what they were doing was just being friends, Jungkook was pretty sure that would actually physically hurt to hear. 

It wasn’t like Namjoon owed him anything, and it wasn’t like what they were doing was anything more than friends, except…It wasn’t as though they were friends. They talked about a lot of nothing when they were together and when they messaged.

Jungkook knew that Namjoon was meant to be on a small break at the moment, given his recent comeback, but he had a few interviews and a magazine shoot that were coming up, and he was always working on new music. Jungkook couldn’t remember Namjoon ever not writing lyrics and poetry, they used to have so many notebooks and scraps of paper around their small apartment covered in Namjoon’s scrawl–Jungkook still had some of them packed away from his move after Namjoon left. 

Namjoon knew that Jungkook had been commissioned to do a big piece by a famous actor in Europe who had seen a piece he had done for an idol, and he was flying to France shortly to complete it. It was going to be the most important job of his career, and he’d been working hard on the drafts the past six months until they had both been happy with the final sketch.

Jungkook didn’t know the name of Namjoon’s last boyfriend. 

Namjoon didn’t know that Jungkook hadn’t had a serious boyfriend since Namjoon had left. 

Jungkook didn’t know how Namjoon had gotten the scar just above his upper lip.

Namjoon didn’t know that Jungkook had listened to his songs on repeat just to hear Namjoon’s voice. 

Everything that they knew about each other now, everything that they talked about now was shallow and on the surface, and that was different from what they’d ever had. Right from when they had first met back in university, with Namjoon helping out Jungkook in the library and then asking him about the art book he had picked out, and by the end of the day, they were talking about what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. Namjoon wanted music, Jungkook wanted art, both of their parents wanted them to do something more practical.

They connected. 

Jungkook had fallen in love.

He’d never fallen out of love, even if he had learned how to deal with being alone in that. 

Spending time with Namjoon again brought it back to the surface, and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with that now. There was a small, lonely, horribly cold part inside Jungkook that still remembered the way it felt to be left behind by Namjoon the first time, and they were both so different now–Namjoon had moved on even if Jungkook hadn’t. And when it didn’t hurt, it felt good having Namjoon back in his life. He couldn’t put his only feelings on Namjoon’s shoulders and expect things from him, that wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t healthy, and Jungkook had long ago learned to accept things that were out of control. 

That’s why they were friends.

They had to be friends. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Yoongi’s voice was quiet and concerned as he sat beside Jungkook at the bar that was close to Jungkook’s work. 

“Do what?” Jungkook muttered as he held up his hand at the bartender, and he came over quickly, refilling Jungkook’s glass and giving him a small smile. Jungkook had come here a lot, and the bartender was cute, they’d talked a few times. Tonight wasn’t going to be one of those nights, though, not after Jungkook had been scrolling through his Twitter and had seen pictures of Namjoon out with friends. Or–a friend. Maybe more than a friend, he’d always liked brunettes. Jungkook didn’t search out non-official pictures–Namjoon’s life was more than public enough, Jungkook was not interested in anything more than what Namjoon wanted out there. But people were excited and the photos had been trending and Jungkook had seen them and felt his stomach drop to the floor as he saw Namjoon’s hand on a woman’s lower back, and another one of him leaning in to say something in her ear with a smile on his face. Jungkook hadn’t looked any more, instantly closed the app and decided he’d be drinking tonight.

And that was where he was now. 

He wasn’t sure how Yoongi had found him. 

Until he remembered that he and Yoongi were actually meant to meet for dinner, and he winced as his head lifted.

“We were meant to have dinner,” Jungkook dipped his head forward in an apologetic bow. “I’m sorry, hyung.” 

“Ai,” Yoongi waved a hand at him before giving his order over to the bartender. “I messaged Felix, he said you might be here.” Jungkook sighed as he looked back at his drink, wondering just how miserable he’d looked when he had left work earlier. Yoongi got his drink and he sipped from the whiskey glass, the pair of them falling quiet as the bar got busier around them as it got later. Usually when this happened, it was Jungkook that broke the silence, always eager to hear his hyungs advice or perspective on a situation. This time, he was ready to order another drink when Yoongi spoke again. “He asked about you, you know,” his voice was low, and Jungkook’s eyes went wide as he realized what Yoongi was saying. Who Yoongi was talking about. “He asked about you a lot–he still asks about you.”

“Still?” Jungkook didn’t even recognise his own voice. Yoongi pressed his lips together before looking back down into his cup, and it looked as though he regretted what he had said. Jungkook squeezed his eyes shut because it had been four months now–four months since Namjoon had stepped into his tattoo studio and Jungkook was head over heels in love with the man as though the heartbreak all those years ago hadn’t happened. “I love him,” Jungkook said on a heavy exhale, and it probably wasn’t fair to tell Yoongi that, given he was Namjoon’s best friend, but he had to say it out loud.

“I know, Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi sighed before holding up a hand to the bartender to order them more drinks. “I know.” 

Jungkook held back a bit after that, which he hated doing, but he knew was necessary. Namjoon had never done anything to make Jungkook think he felt anything more than friendship now, it was just Jungkook who had so many feelings that were still there. He couldn’t project that onto Namjoon and even if Namjoon somehow did feel the same way, it wouldn’t work, that had already been explored, that was something that Namjoon decided to end. And Jungkook had come a long way, he couldn’t just let himself fall right back into the space where every single thought of every single day revolved around Namjoon. 

Namjoon was meant to be on a break, but he was still busy, and he posted photos in Switzerland and messaged Jungkook privately to say that he had appointments with several art galleries over there. Jungkook had been happy for him but had kept his response brief. He picked up a few extra clients and worked on the weekend to keep himself busy–although that led to him feeling guilty about how much he was away from Bam, and so he was overcompensating by going for long runs in the mornings and evenings. It was good that Namjoon was busy–they had started talking and seeing each other so quickly and that wasn’t good for Jungkook. 

It also wasn’t good for him when there were knocks on his door and he opened it without thinking and it was Namjoon who was standing there. 

“Hi,” Jungkook breathed.

“Hi,” Namjoon smiled at him and Jungkook’s heart fluttered. 

“I didn’t know you were back,” Jungkook said after a moment, trying to find something to say rather than just staring at Namjoon in front of him. It was different now that he had acknowledged to himself he still loved Namjoon, and that he had acknowledged it out loud to someone. It made it feel a lot more real, and his chest tightened as he stared at Namjoon and thought about how handsome he was. 

“I flew in from Zurich a couple of hours ago,” Namjoon replied. “I had to go to the company first and then I–” Namjoon cut himself off before smiling ruefully and shrugging a shoulder. “I wanted to see you.” Jungkook knew that his eyes just got bigger at that admission and he had no idea how to respond, staring at Namjoon, and Namjoon staring back. He was meant to be pulling back, because those feelings–those feelings that he had only ever felt for Namjoon–were rushing back far too quickly to be controlled and–and it just felt like the best thing to do was to put some space between them and–

“Did you want to come in?” Jungkook asked and Namjoon nodded with a dimpled smile. 

It was easy. Parts of it were strange–like the way Namjoon always had a bodyguard with them when they went out in public, although it was always at a distance. There was always someone who was aware of where they were going and often a car with impossibly dark windows that dropped Namjoon off and picked him up and sometimes he would get calls that he’d look annoyed and apologetic for and had to step away and take. Sometimes there were people who obviously recognised Namjoon and would stare at them and they would leave quickly whenever that happened. But everything else? It felt natural. 

It felt like it used to. 

Namjoon started to send him photos of things he was working on and had said that he felt incredibly inspired. Namjoon’s scrawl had always been barely legible, but Jungkook managed to read it, and like with everything else Namjoon wrote, it was beautiful. It seemed more hopeful and biting, in a way that had Jungkook smiling as he wondered how it would sound once recorded. Jungkook sent his sketches and work that he’d finished and photos of Bam and he actually responded to Namjoon’s messages, something that Jimin grumbled about given how notoriously bad Jungkook was at replying. 

He couldn’t help it.

It was Namjoon. 

And that was scary and Jungkook kind of felt as though he was standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting to tip over half the time, but he didn’t care. 

He should be an adult about it and talk to Namjoon–there were plenty of opportunities. Even though there was security who were with them when they went out somewhere, they were still given privacy. Whether they were at an apartment or a restaurant–most of the time it was at Jungkook’s apartment–they were alone, and they talked about a lot. Sometimes quietly, sometimes when they were drinking and their voices pitched louder as they laughed, sometimes there were long silences–but none of it ever felt wrong. Some of the silences felt uncomfortable, but not in the way where Jungkook wanted to shy away, like when Jimin or Taehyung were pushing him to talk about something he wasn’t ready to discuss just yet. It felt much more therapeutic than that, kind of like when he had finally gone to see a therapist after years of hearing it would be helpful. Maybe that wasn’t the best comparison, given Namjoon had been a big part of why he had gone to therapy, but it was true nonetheless. 

Namjoon’s eyes had shone with tears as they had discussed Jungkook’s mother passing, something that Namjoon had known about through Yoongi and had even sent flowers–Jungkook remembered that. Jungkook had cried when Namjoon had told him that Moni, his childhood dog that Jungkook had gotten to know well, had passed not long after they had broken up. Namjoon had spoken nervously about more often recurring American award shows and interviews that he was doing, and he’d always picked up languages well but it was incredibly stressful when he was running on almost no sleep and on the third interview of the day and knew that his words were being livestreamed. Jungkook couldn’t understand that world at all, but he had seen the interviews Namjoon was talking about, and the award shows, probably every one that was out there and he reassured Namjoon that his nervousness wasn’t palpable. Namjoon was good under pressure, Jungkook had always admired that about Namjoon. 

They always skirted around any discussions around their past relationship and any others that they may have been involved in. 

They needed to talk about it–with the way things were going, Jungkook knew they needed to talk about it. Every time they were all together with friends, when Yoongi and Jimin were there especially, they would look at him pointedly and mention things pointedly in passing–Hoseok had told Jungkook that Yoongi was absolutely doing the same with Namjoon as well. Months were passing, almost six now as they reached August, and Namjoon was a permanent fixture in Jungkook’s life. Again. 

Jungkook needed to talk to him.

But he didn’t.

He kept putting it off. 

He felt love blooming, tentative and fragile in his chest, and even recognising it as love was scary–verbalizing it the one time to Yoongi had been terrifying. 

Namjoon also had a whole other life that Jungkook wasn’t part of, that Jungkook couldn’t even imagine being a part of, despite it being part of the life that they had discussed with each other when they had been together before. And while Jungkook’s life didn’t feel anywhere near as exciting as Namjoon’s, he also had a life that had completely changed since Namjoon had last been a part of it. 

Jungkook had no idea how Namjoon felt, he had no idea if Namjoon was spending time with anyone else in the way he was with Jungkook–because they were just hanging out. Technically he was spending less time with Namjoon than he did with Jimin or Taehyung, it was just his messy heart was always so involved when it came to Namjoon that he was just–making things bigger than they really were. Like the way Namjoon had started sitting closer and closer to him each time they hung out, to the point where Jungkook had actually fallen asleep on Namjoon’s shoulder and their legs tangled together where they were resting them on a footstool. Or how Namjoon had begun feeding him–not often, but he had held out his chopsticks with a piece of Jungkook’s favourite meat or if Jungkook was busy talking and hadn’t started eating. He’d done it in front Jimin and Taehyung when they were all out for dinner celebrating Hoseok’s promotion, and Jimin had looked ready to slap the food right out of Namjoon’s hand–but it was just instinctive for Namjoon around Jungkook, that was what Jungkook told himself. 

Jungkook had to be imagining things. He had to be. Namjoon had left him and made it very clear that things were done between them years ago. He’d completely disappeared from Jungkook’s life, not giving him any closure other than the short letter he had left behind, saying he was sorry, and that this was for the best and refusing to answer any of his calls or messages. And then years later, he just came back into Jungkook’s life when he decided it was time–Jungkook had gotten drunk exactly once and cried that to Taehyung one evening. He made Taehyung promise not to tell Jimin because Jimin already had such a bad opinion of Namjoon, Jungkook didn’t want to make it worse. Taehyung had known Jungkook and Namjoon before things went bad, back when they had gotten together and things had been good–for years. So while he had reiterated over and over again that he would always be on Jungkook’s side, he had a more empathy for Namjoon and didn’t hold a grudge quite like Jimin. 

One night, he broached one of the topics they avoided with as much eloquence as it deserved.

“Did you love him?” Jungkook asked after they had just finished discussing a trip that Namjoon was going to be taking with his family. Namjoon’s eyes widened as he stared across at Jungkook, smoke from the cigarette pinched between his fingers swirling between them. His lips were parted as he stared at Jungkook, clearly caught off-guard by the question, which Jungkook didn’t at all blame him for. They had always been careful–obviously so at times, when avoiding certain topics–and tonight hadn’t felt any different. Jungkook had a small balcony with a table and chairs and some plants that Namjoon had started looking after more than Jungkook ever had, and they were sitting outside, a little bit drunk as they both smoked. The conversation had been light and Jungkook had been staring at Namjoon’s mouth and the little mole beneath his lip and he just hadn’t been able to help himself. 

“I…Liam?” Namjoon’s voice was quiet but Jungkook was completely caught off guard, his entire train of thought derailing. 

“Liam?” Jungkook echoed. “Your ex was named Liam?” 

“I–his mother was American,” the volume of Namjoon’s voice began to rise, clearly seeing the amusement that was taking over Jungkook’s face. “He was born over there!” 

“You wrote your last album about a guy named Liam?” Jungkook couldn’t help his question and Namjoon looked as though he was going to try and protest again before his face crumbled and he started laughing. 

“Yeah, I know,” he grinned as he lifted his cigarette to his mouth. 

“Sounds like the name of one of the rich guys that Taehyung plays around with,” he snorted as he took in the last drag of his own cigarette before reaching forward to smudge it out in a flat ashtray that he’d made at a pottery class he’d taken with Jimin and Taehyung. 

“It does,” Namjoon agreed before they fell quiet again. Jungkook’s body didn’t feel quite as tense now that he had laughed, but there was still a tightness that stretched around his torso, cold on his skin. “I did,” Namjoon eventually said, and this time he wasn’t looking at Jungkook, and Jungkook was glad. He had no idea what his expression was, feeling as though all the breath had been knocked out of him in one swift hit. “It was different,” Namjoon continued, purposefully staring out over the balcony, his head half turned away from Jungkook. Different from how he loved Jungkook, that was what Jungkook assumed he meant, but he didn’t dare clarify. “It wasn’t until later, near the end of writing most of the songs for my last album, that I realized I hadn’t let him in as much as I thought I had.” Jungkook blinked at that, tilting his head to the side as he closely watched Namjoon. “I hadn’t let anyone in for a long time, I wouldn’t let myself. I couldn’t imagine a future with anyone except you.” Jungkook felt as though he couldn’t breathe again. “I fucked up and hurt a lot of people but…He was around a lot. We worked together on a few campaigns, and we would see each other at work events. He was patient and handsome and smart and he would listen whenever I rambled about music or books or art.” The lump grew in Jungkook’s throat at Namjoon’s words and the small curve of his lips as Namjoon obviously remembered his ex boyfriend. “We were together for just over two years,” Namjoon’s eyes flicked to Jungkook and Jungkook’s eyes dropped, unable to meet Namjoon’s. He pulled out another cigarette instead, despite the fact it wasn’t often that he smoked and Namjoon cleared his throat. “I was busy a lot and he ended up sleeping with a guy who was always at the coffee shop by his work. And turned out that guy was actually some online blogger or some shit and he leaked a bunch of shit about me. Over and over and over again.” 

Jungkook’s eyes widened, because he remembered that. About a year before Namjoon’s latest album had been released there was information about Namjoon being leaked everywhere, it was covered on the national news multiple times. His medical information; the fact that he was on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication and the details of which therapist he was seeing, to the point where the therapist had needed to switch the building they practiced from. Confirmation of his sexuality despite how private he had tried to be, which had led to a lot of awkward questions in interviews–Jungkook remembered feeling physically sick as he had watched the way Namjoon’s face had twisted in one. 

He hadn’t realized it had been from his ex.

“I’m so sorry,” Jungkook murmured, because he was. Namjoon had always been a private person, and while he tried to be open with his fans and the public in interviews, it was clear that there was always a part of him holding back, and that was completely understandable. He didn’t owe the public everything, he was allowed to hold some personal and private things close to his chest. But the idea of being betrayed by someone that you love–the person that you were choosing to sleep beside at night and make part of your life and your future…Jungkook couldn’t imagine the heartbreak and insecurity that Namjoon must have felt. 

Maybe it made him a bad person, but the part that Jungkook’s mind kept swirling around was that Namjoon had been in love. 

When they had first gotten together, they had been so young, and while there had been some partners before one another, they were each others first love. Namjoon was Jungkook’s only love. 

But he wasn’t Namjoon’s anymore. 

Namjoon had fallen in love with someone else–maybe he wasn’t in love with Liam now, but he had been. 

When Namjoon left that night, he didn’t reach out to hug Jungkook like he had been recently, and Jungkook didn’t step closer in hopes he would initiate one. Namjoon did invite him to his birthday party, one that was being thrown early given that trip he was going on with his family. It was going to be the week before Jungkook’s birthday because Namjoon was leaving with his family a couple of days after. Jungkook had agreed to go to Namjoon’s, hoping to hide his disappointment at the fact that Namjoon wasn’t going to be in Korea for either birthday, but a party sounded…Interesting. Yoongi and Hoseok would hopefully be there, and they would make sure he didn’t flounder too much while Namjoon was the centre of attention with all his famous friends. He wouldn’t stay long and would probably get intimidated and overwhelmed quickly, but Namjoon was asking him and Jungkook couldn’t say no. 

He started panicking a bit after Namjoon left and he realized what an unfamiliar situation he was going to be in, but at least he didn’t have to worry about a present. He knew exactly what he would give Namjoon.

Namjoon’s birthday party was the last weekend of August, a couple of weeks before his birthday itself and the present that Jungkook was taking him had actually been in the back closet of his spare room ever since he had moved into the new apartment, just like at the last one that he had shared with Taehyung and Jimin. He’d taken it with him each time he had moved after he’d left the apartment he and Namjoon had lived in, even though it was bulky and took up a lot of room but he’d refused to part with it.

Unfortunately, it was big enough to give him some problems when it came to transporting the gift from his apartment and into the outskirts of the city where Namjoon had an actual house. He had brought it a couple of months before his last album had come out, before there was the next surge of fame which brings its own problem with over zealous fans. It was within a gated community and Namjoon had told him that the guard had his name and Jungkook had separately messaged Yoongi about the event, who had told him that he would come out to find Jungkook if he had any problems. Jungkook appreciated that, because he knew he was going to get nervous, going into the event where he knew practically no one, and it wasn’t as though he could reach out to Namjoon for help–it was his birthday party.

Jungkook was late by the time he got there–and not just the kind of late that he often was, because he lost track of time, but really late because he was trying to be so careful with Namjoon’s gift. He’d purposefully ordered a taxi to take him there and specified that he needed a van, one that was big enough to transport him and the gift, except there had been a mix up, and because he had only ordered for one person, they had sent him a car. It was in no way big enough, and Jungkook had apologized to the harried driver and tried to order another one, but there was a much longer wait now that they were getting on in the Saturday evening. So he’d taken his chances on the bus, but the first one was full and so he’d had to wait, and Yoongi had messaged him twice by the time he got into Namjoon’s neighbourhood, eyes wide and heart thudding in his chest as he looked outside at the expensive housing. 

He felt incredibly out of place.

He already knew that Namjoon belonged to a world that he knew nothing about–and it was different from Yoongi, because he’d been there with each of Yoongi’s progressions over the years, same with Hoseok. They were both well off, but Jungkook had been there every step of the way and adapted as it had happened. It just didn’t feel as intimidating as it did with Namjoon. For many reasons. 

“Hyung?” Jungkook was panting incredibly unattractively into the phone, wincing as he heard the noise in the background on Yoongi’s end. 

“Jungkook-ah? Are you okay?” Yoongi sounded worried and that made Jungkook feel guilty, wondering if Yoongi had been keeping an eye out for him. Namjoon had said people would start showing up from six, and it was almost nine–Jungkook didn’t want to be early, he didn’t want to make it seem as though he was overeager and trying to hog Namjoon’s time. It made a statement arriving early, and Jungkook didn’t want to do that–or at least he felt like he shouldn’t do that. Then he had got caught up on whether or not he should use a bow and when he decided yes, he was going to tie a bow around the gift, he had to run out and had a bit of a crisis when deciding on a colour. And of course he was going to spend over half an hour watching tiktok tutorials on how to tie it all pretty and get the ends curled and–

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just–” Jungkook winced as a car drove past him, slowing at the gate ahead before they slowly opened, the guard clearly recognising them. Jungkook felt awkward walking up the path and waiting outside the security station as the man inside looked at him. “Hold on,” Jungkook murmured. “I–Jeon Jungkook? I’m here to see Kim Namjoon?” The guard hummed under his breath before looking down at his computer and after a moment he nodded and the gate was opening, a smaller one to the side this time for him to walk through. “I’ve just come through the main gate,” he told Yoongi.

“Okay, I’ll come out to meet you,” Yoongi told him and Jungkook exhaled gratefully. That was what he’d been hoping Yoongi would say when he called. Hoseok wasn’t there tonight, an idol group he was choreographing and dancing back up for were performing at a Brazilian festival that same weekend, so Jungkook couldn’t imagine that Yoongi was doing much if Namjoon had a lot of people there and was busy with them. Yoongi was a lot like Jungkook, introverted especially when it came to big groups, and they usually found each other at gatherings like this. 

Namjoon’s house was the third one on the street, and everything was clearly lit up with a party clearly going, the front door open and a couple of people sitting out on the front steps smoking. They looked up at him in interest, and then at the large gift he was wheeling beside him and gave him amused looks before Yoongi came down the stairs and distracted Jungkook. Kind of. Not really. 

“Oh,” Yoongi’s eyes widened before a smile spread across his face, sweet and gummy, the best kinds of smiles from Yoongi and some of the tension left Jungkook’s body. “He’s going to absolutely love it,” he said. 

“Yeah?” Jungkook’s fingers flexed around the handlebars. 

“Yeah,” Yoongi nodded before tilting his head to the side and purring his lips together. “Although–”

“What?” Something felt wrong. Yoongi looked at him for a long moment before giving him a small, tight smile and tilting his head to the side. 

“Did you want to take it around the side? Or inside?” It would be very obvious if Jungkook carried his gift inside and would draw even more attention from the crowd of strangers and that was not at all what Jungkook wanted. 

“Around the side,” he said resolutely and Yoongi nodded, not looking surprised as he walked down a path that led around the side of the house. Jungkook followed him, their way lit by little lights glowing on either side of the path and Yoongi knew the keycode for the gate and opened it and Jungkook’s eyes widened as he saw the backyard. There were plants everywhere, of course, multiple different planters and pots although most directly into the ground, and they were all clearly well looked after. Jungkook would have looked for longer if not for the noise happening around the back as he and Yoongi circled around the house to where another door was open and more people were hanging out on the back balcony. A few of them looked up and Yoongi greeted one of them while Jungkook was finally able to empty his arms and straighten up. He winced as he realized that he was a bit sweaty from his trip over and Jungkook was starting to shake out of his jacket when his eyes lifted to see Namjoon through the doors that were open to the lounge. 

He was drunk.

Very drunk. 

Namjoon could handle his alcohol, but more in the way where he knew his limit and usually cut himself off pretty early because his tolerance was pretty low. Especially in crowds, Jungkook didn’t remember Namjoon looking the way he did, his face flushed red with his arm thrown around a woman with pink hair and it looked as though he was leaning most of his weight on her. 

Jungkook didn’t know Namjoon now, though. 

Maybe Namjoon used to hold himself back when he was around Jungkook because he felt like he had to look out for Jungkook. Back then he had been young, a teenager and in his early twenties, it had been made clear on several occasions that Namjoon had felt some responsibility over Jungkook. 

Maybe Namjoon was just different now that he had grown up–he had been young too, he had only been twenty-five when they broke up. Jungkook hadn’t felt like a fully fledged adult at twenty-five, he couldn’t imagine what Namjoon had felt like–then or now. 

“He got some bad news this morning,” Yoongi said quietly as he moved to stand beside Jungkook and Jungkook frowned as he turned to look to his side. Yoongi had the corner of his lip sucked into his mouth and Jungkook’s frown deepened as he glanced back at Namjoon before his body turned to face Yoongi.

“What happened?” Jungkook asked. 

“Has he told you much about his ex?” Yoongi asked, and even though he was obviously keeping his voice low because of everyone around them, Jungkook could still hear the unhappy bite in his words. 

“Only a little bit,” Jungkook replied and Yoongi nodded slowly, exhaling heavily. 

“You should talk to him–not now, but later,” Yoongi said. “I think–”

“Oh,” Jungkook didn’t mean to interrupt but Namjoon was–he was kissing the pink haired girl who was tucked against his side. Jungkook felt himself stumble back a step and the music was loud and there was laughter and cheers and Jungkook knew Yoongi was speaking to him but Jungkook just had to get out of there. He had to get out of there before he saw anything more or before Namjoon saw him. Yoongi was calling out to him but Jungkook was already pulling the gate open, grateful that it hadn’t shut yet, and was already fumbling to get his phone out of his pocket when he heard someone else calling behind him. 

Namjoon.

He would recognise Namjoon’s voice anywhere–with a hundred other voices in the room, he’d be able to identify Namjoon immediately. 

Right now, he didn’t want to hear him, though. 

Jungkook didn’t slow to hear what he was saying, making it to the street and instantly turning to half-walk, half-run even though he could hear Namjoon rapidly getting closer behind him. If he was thinking properly, he could easily outrun Namjoon, but when the man grabbed onto his arm, Jungkook thought he was going to trip over his own feet as he made it to the sidewalk. 

“Jungkook-ah–”

“Let go,” Jugkook grunted. 

“No, Jungkook-ah, can you–”

“No, I–I don’t to talk right now, hyung,” Jungkook’s breathing was coming out heavily as he tugged weakly on Namjoon’s arm, still not quite centered and staring at Namjoon–all Jungkook was seeing was Namjoon kissing the girl inside. 

He had known this whole time that Namjoon had been kissing and doing a whole lot more in the time that they had been getting to know each other again, but seeing it was a whole other thing. 

“Jungkook-ah, just stay–” 

Something about Namjoon saying that, asking him to stay when that had been something Jungkook had begged for, in voice mails, in messages, in letters that he had written to Namjoon’s parents pitifully and asked for them to pass on…He’d been shattered and Namjoon hadn’t responded once, and now he was asking Jungkook to stay? 

“No–no!” Jungkook wrenched his arm away from Namjoon, backing a few steps away so he was afforded a little more privacy than the full light of the street lamp above them directly on his face. “We always do what you want to do–always–when you want to do it!” He felt a little immature at the way it came out, but he didn’t care. “You decided when we were done and you just left, you walked out and just cut me off. And then when you were ready to come back–when you were ready–you just walked back in! You can’t do that! That’s not fair!” They were getting loud, Jungkook knew, and he was pretty sure they had a small audience out the front of Namjoon’s home but he refused to look back. Instead, his eyes slid to a car that had pulled up beside them, the window wound down and Yoongi looking out at him. 

“I’ll take you home, Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi was saying, although Jungkook wasn’t sure if he could actually hear those words or if he was reading Yoongi’s lips. 

“I need to go,” Jungkook said, proud that his voice didn’t wobble as much as his lip did. 

“Jungkook-ah, I’m sorry–”

“Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi’s voice was harsh as he called out from the car. “Let him go.” Jungkook stared at Namjoon for a long moment and Namjoon stared right back, and Jungkook wasn’t sure what Namjoon saw on his face, but finally he took a step back and bowed his head forward.

“I’m sorry, Jungkook-ah,” he finally said but Jungkook didn’t reply, practically fleeing from the sidewalk and throwing himself into the safety of Yoongi’s car, tears blurring his vision as Yoongi accelerated them away from Namjoon.