Work Text:
Everything is about Suho's broken body in that hospital bed.
Sieun can't see anything else. It's as if his eyes have gone split-screen. One side of him is seeing himself jabbing a pen into Yeongbin's shoulder, hearing his shrill scream. The other is seeing his Suho, laying flat, chest rising and falling mechanically, all his light gone. He doesn't care about the consequences, about his life after this, about school. If he could do anything with his mouth other than breathe just enough to keep himself alive, he would probably choke on a hysterical laugh. The thought of caring about his studies is ridiculous to him. The thought of caring about anything other than Ahn Suho is impossible.
Hurting people now is easy. In fact, it feels right. If there’s even a single molecule inside of Sieun’s body that hesitates, he just thinks of Suho. Suho’s hands on his shoulders, holding his wrists, guiding his own curled fists in front of Sieun’s face. He remembers Suho’s laugh; the lazy way he would sprawl in a chair, leaning it back to the point of almost tipping. Sieun remembers how Suho’s eyes felt on his face. The life they held. Suho was constant motion when he was awake. Now what is he?
Sieun breaks Wooyoung’s ankle with a cold fury.
He isn’t stupid, of course. He knows that none of this will wake Suho up. He knows that all it does is put a target on his own back, but he doesn’t care. People need to know that Suho is his. No one can touch him. No one can hurt him. Not without them deeply regretting it.
It’s all consuming, this feeling. He couldn’t stop himself if he tried.
Sieun picks up a fire extinguisher.
All he wanted was for the violence to end. Beomseok knew that. Beomseok, who Sieun tried to love. Tried to help. Beomseok, who Suho loved. Beomseok, who stood there and watched as Yeongbin and his friends cornered Sieun, and knocked him to the ground. When Sieun sees Beomseok, sitting there, looking frail and meek, he wants to hate him. He wants to feel that overwhelming anger and hatred that he felt for Wooyoung, and Yeongbin.
But he doesn't. Sieun doesn't feel anything at all.
...
Sieun doesn't remember the walk back to the hospital after Byuksan. Surely he was stopped. Surely someone had questions about his red stained school uniform. His dirty cast. His limp. It didn't matter – because he made it back to Suho. Nothing could stop him from doing that.
The sight of him makes something heavy sweep through Sieun. It's the first thing he feels that day that isn't numb or that terribly frenzied anger.
Suho, he thinks, as if he's a broken robot. Suho, Suho.
His knees shake. Sieun sinks into the empty chair at his side. The entire world must be gone with the way Sieun doesn't care about anything else. It must be just the two of them alone. It should be.
Sieun's hesitant to touch him. Otherwise he'd shakily clasp for his limp fingers. Instead, he lets his chin touch his chest and closes his eyes. His body is so heavy. If he had the option to sleep here forever, he would.
DENIAL
Trial One: day 1
Sieun's eyes open to the sound of his doorbell.
He inhales sharply, head raising. He's sitting at his desk. All his books are around him. It's mid-afternoon, and the smell of blood and hospital-cleanliness isn’t in his nose. He looks down at himself. He’s in a t-shirt and sweats. His school uniform is gone. His cast is clean and the broken arm under it feels tender, but not aching. It’s almost as if the past couple of days didn’t happen. No – he thinks when the doorbell buzzes again – it is like that. It’s exactly like that.
He’s back in time. And if his theory is correct –
Sieun rushes to the door, senseless. In the middle of the next buzz he throws it open, not bothering to even ask, and he’s rewarded with the absolute vision of Suho standing there. He’s just – standing there. On his own two feet. He’s standing and he’s breathing and he’s looking at Sieun like – like –
“Sieun,” Suho says, and there’s a tinge of anguish in his voice. His eyes are too far down. They’re on Sieun’s wrapped arm. Sieun forgets himself. Forgets everything. Everything but Suho’s broken body in that bed.
He stumbles forward and grabs Suho. Their bodies press together. Sieun can feel where Suho inhales, jerky and surprised. It almost makes him cry. Actually, he thinks he is crying. Something hot and sharp is in his throat trying to get out, and Sieun doesn’t care enough to stop it.
“Sieun,” Suho is saying. “Sieun, you –” Sieun knows he’s trembling. He can feel the force of his own shaking through Suho. He doesn’t realize just how badly he’s trembling until Suho goes, “it’s okay. You’re okay, Sieun. Hey – I’m here, I’m –”
Embarrassingly, Sieun balls a fist around Suho’s windbreaker. He tugs like a child. Suho doesn’t complain. He allows his body to be pulled into the hall of Sieun’s home. He keeps talking, keeps touching Sieun too. They stumble further in through the house. The arm of the couch bumps the back of Sieun's knees. Suho is collected and swift as he gathers Sieun up and carefully deposits him into it. He’s smart, too, because he doesn’t let the space between their bodies get too large. Sieun hates to admit the way he’s freaking out almost as much as he hates the way he begins to calm down when he can feel Suho’s breath against his cheek.
“They’re not gonna touch you again,” Suho says. He’s a natural at this. At comforting Sieun. Sieun’s never met someone so good at it. Even though Suho thinks he’s freaking out about the completely wrong thing, it’s still working. “Never, Sieun. I promise, okay? Breathe – everything will be okay.”
It will, Sieun thinks as he grips Suho’s wrist. His pulse is beating there steadily. It will.
In the time that it takes for Sieun to be functional again, Suho gets angry. Sieun doesn’t understand at first – his head is in the process of clearing out the images of Suho’s limp body laying so, so still – but then he remembers. Suho’s birthday. Sieun’s promise to be only five minutes. The feeling of Yeongbin’s fist, then the sole of his shoe, then the cold hard ground.
“Were you studying?” Suho asks.
Sieun nods. He unsticks his tongue from the roof of his mouth, just for it to sit uselessly.
“Good.” Suho runs a warm hand down Sieun’s uninjured arm. The touch makes Sieun shiver. “Good. You should keep going. I don’t want to distract you.”
“You won’t,” Sieun lies.
“I will,” Suho does this sideways smile that makes Sieun’s stomach flip. “I just wanted to check on you. Haven’t seen you at school. But I know you’re good now, so I’ll leave you to –”
“Where are you going?”
Suho hesitates. “Work. Yeongi told me to come back after I checked on you. Said something about dishes, so –”
“You wouldn’t lie to me,” Sieun says. It’s a question. It’s a threat. It’s him begging most of all.
Suho’s face is carefully blank. “What do you take me for, Sieun? Hm? You think I’m like that Oh Beom? You think I’d betray you like that?”
“No,” Sieun is a little startled by his intensity. So startled that he doesn’t know how to ask Suho to stay. He doesn’t think he can. So he does the next best thing. “I’m alright, Suho.” Suho looks at him, disbelieving. “They didn’t – I’m fine. You don’t need to do anything.”
“Do what?” Suho asks. He’s grinning now. “Come on, Sieun. You know me.”
Trial Two: day 2
Sieun does know Suho.
It’s why it only takes him a couple of seconds to understand what happened when he wakes up from his restless sleep to be sitting at his desk again. The calendar is unchanged. His doorbell is buzzing. He's in the same clothes.
Suho went to see Beomseok anyway. And, judging by the fact that he's back here, everything must have gone exactly the same way it went last time. Sieun exhales slowly. His stomach is churning. He's grateful that he didn't have to sit through Suho in the hospital again, but –
Buzzt–
Sieun stands shakily. This time feels more like the original time; when he shuffled to the dark hall, concerned that it could have been someone looking to hurt him, and heard Suho's voice instead. He remembers the wary way he responded, and how he pulled the black hoodie on, even though it clearly didn't do anything to fool Suho.
He glances at the hoodie now, thinking.
When he opens the door, Suho looks well. Exactly the same as yesterday. Grim, maybe. Sieun is too focused on whether his arm is covered to really pay attention.
“Sieun,” Suho says. His eyes are moving up and down Sieun's body. Sieun makes sure there's nothing to see. “You alright?”
Sieun nods, throat bobbing. “Studying. Why are you here?” He wonders whether Suho will be honest with him.
“You've been missing class,” he answers. “Exam's coming up. I wanted to make sure you were – you know. Studying. Keeping up. Stupid of me, huh?”
Sieun doesn't respond to that. “That's why you showed up here?”
A pause.
“My birthday,” Suho says, voice low. His eyes fix on a spot by Sieun's neck. “You disappeared. Where were you?”
“Sorry,” Sieun whispers. “I'll make it up to you.”
“Are you the one who has to make it up to me? Or should someone else?” Sieun's not sure how to respond. His silence must be enough. Suho's eyes rise to meet his. They're shining. “You lied to me, Sieun.” Then, world tilting, Suho reaches out. The pads of his fingertips against the soft skin of Sieun's cheek. “They hurt you.”
“No,” Sieun tries, but Suho is shaking his head. His hand is falling away. “Suho – no –”
“I can't let this go,” Suho says. It's as if they've had this argument before a million times. It's as if the reasoning behind it is clear as day. Sieun doesn't understand though. He just doesn't get it. “I can't let them –”
“They're going to hurt you,” Sieun hisses. “They're going to break your body and –”
“Those guys?” Suho is horrifyingly confident. “There's no chance. Sieun, I'll come back. When I'm finished, I'll come back to you, I –”
“You won't,” he's miserable. “You won't. Suho, just –”
“He needs to apologize,” Suho says. And he touches Sieun then. Takes his shoulders gently. Stops Sieun's reeling. “Beomseok. That bastard needs to apologize for this. To you and Yeongi. I don't want to make them pay, Sieun. I want them to apologize.”
Sieun swallows. His brain is caught up in his own despair, the feeling of Suho's palms, and the gentleness of his voice. He doesn't know what to think.
“That's it,” Suho swears. “And then I'm coming back here. You can make me study. I'll do the fucking flashcards and everything. But they need to say sorry. They crossed a line, Sieun.”
And Sieun remembers the line. He remembers the line being Yeongi. He remembers the line being the elbows in his gut. The taste of blood in his throat. He remembers the smack of his head on the ground. How the crowbar scraped against the concrete. He remembers the few seconds where he lost consciousness and all the pain faded from his body and everything got very bright. He remembered Suho's voice saying that five minutes and then I'm coming after you and I'm your guardian angel that just woke up and you're a fucking psycho, huh?
He remembers being so afraid and wanting someone to come save him. He remembers wanting that someone to be Suho.
“Just an apology?” Sieun asks. He's trembling a little. Suho nods firmly. He makes himself pull back. “Okay. Okay, Suho.”
And Suho lets go of him, and then –
Trial three: day 3
Sieun can feel the new day in his chest. In front of him is his closed door. His chest aches. His breathing is – fast. He grabs it and pulls it open.
Suho isn't waiting on the other side. His back is facing Sieun, further down the hall. His stride is slow and purposeful. Sieun nearly trips leaving his doorway. He doesn't give a fuck about his cast or anything else when he grabs Suho by the back of his windbreaker.
“Sieun –” Suho is startled. “Wh–”
“Stop,” Sieun gets in front of Suho. “Don't go.”
“Don't go home?” Suho's brows are furrowed. He's grinning in that lopsided way. “Sieunie, I knew you liked your hyung, but I didn't think it was –”
“You're not going home,” Sieun snaps. “Don't fucking lie to me.”
The smile falls off Suho's face. He doesn't get angry, but Sieun can see the shift into something serious. “Lie to you? Sieun, you were in the hospital and you hid from me.”
“Because I knew you would do this,” Sieun retorts. “You don't have to.”
Suho looks away, jaw clenched. “I do,” he grits.
“Why?”
He's gentle when he touches Sieun, taking his wrist and moving it off his windbreaker. He's extra gentle when he takes Sieun's other hand – the bulky cast – and guides it up so that it's in both their lines of sight.
“They did this to you,” Suho says darkly, “while I was asleep.” Sieun can't speak. “How many of them were there? Three? Five? More?” Slowly his fingers creep down the cast towards Sieun's elbow, almost considering. “I can't get it out of my mind, Sieun. How long you were gone, how many days you were in the hospital – I can't stop picturing you bleeding on the ground, waiting for them to stop. One of those dicks was joking about it before I came here. Joking about how they could have killed you.”
Sieun's breathless.
Suho's eyes are a calm, cold fire. “I'm going to make them all pay. Don't stop me. Please.”
Sieun staggers backwards, letting Suho go. He doesn't know what he's feeling, but he knows he's lost this one. Suho touches Sieun's cheek gently with his fingers again, then he steps past him with a soft, “go inside.”
Sieun doesn't go inside. He turns so he can watch Suho's back as he leaves. And he realizes – Suho will always leave.
Trial Four: day 4
Sieun doesn't open the door when it buzzes. He sits there, in his desk chair, staring at his books, unseeing. Eventually, the buzzing stops, and the sky gets darker. His phone rings, lighting up with Yeongi's name at 11:42 PM.
Trial Five: day 5
Sieun opens the door, jacket on, and says, “I'm coming with you.” He waits impatiently for Suho to catch up, to understand that there's no need for any pretenses now – Sieun understands where Suho is going, and Suho knows that Sieun lied – they can just move on. “Where?”
“Yeongbin,” Suho says. He's got a curious lilt to his tone, but it's dipping into that solid ice-brick of anger that Sieun has realized exists within him. “He did this, right?”
Sieun's broken arm twitches. It's more than enough to remember and relive Suho's demise. He didn't think he would have to remember this so much too. “Mh.”
“Okay,” and that's all he says. Sieun doesn't know what to expect when they meet with him, but it isn't the way Suho gently nudges Sieun back into the shadows and whispers, “don't look.” The heat of his body presses Sieun back against the stone bricks. His stomach swoops, but in a safe way. When Suho pulls back, Sieun almost forgets himself. He almost truly doesn't look.
He does, though. Sieun watches, slightly stunned as Suho takes Yeongbin's hand and bends it backwards. Yeongbin's scream echoes through Sieun's chest.
He's scared, he realizes. But not of Suho. He's scared by just how much he enjoys it. Hurting Yeongbin before was merely business. Sieun was numb and empty and just knew he needed to pay for what he did to Suho. But now, with Suho here, it's –
“Apologize,” Suho demands through Yeongbin's whimpers. “Now.”
Yeongbin looks at him, teary. “S-sorry. I'm sorry.”
Sieun stares at him. The feeling inside of him grows. He hates himself just a little. “Fine.” Then he shifts. “Suho.”
Suho lets him go immediately and stands. Yeongbin curls on the ground around his hand, crying. Sieun pities him, truly. He looks up when Suho steps closer.
“You alright?” Suho's voice is low. He's asking after Sieun, but he's also checking – do you see me differently now? Sieun almost wants to laugh. He wants to say, Suho, you don't know the half of what I would do for you. He doesn't though.
“Yeah. What's next?”
...
Next is Beomseok.
“You don't have to come inside,” Suho says, as they walk up to the gym together.
Sieun looks at him sideways. “You're gonna make them apologize to me?” Suho nods. “I'm coming in.”
It's interesting to be able to see what Suho did that night after leaving Sieun's door. His thought process is clean and methodical. Sieun can imagine that his focus would be with a single-minded intensity if Sieun wasn't there with him. He's confident walking in, even though there are Byuksan uniforms everywhere. Beomseok is slinking in the corner. When he sees Sieun, his red-rimmed eyes widen.
“Move,” Suho says dismissively to Jeongchan. He pushes him aside to stare down Beomseok. “Yah. Did you think I wouldn't hear about what you did to Sieun? Are you really that much of a coward?”
Beomseok seems cowed, especially with Sieun just a step behind him. “Fuck you,” he says tremblingly.
“I'm not here to fight,” Suho says. Though Sieun knows he could. Though Sieun knows he wants to. “Just apologize. Make it right.” He steps aside, and Sieun and Beomseok lock eyes.
Sieun knows Beomseok won't apologize to him. Maybe in another life. Maybe if Suho wasn't there. If the gym was empty. If whatever is plaguing Beomseok would leave him alone. If Beomseok didn't decide to be friends with people who hate Sieun's guts. If, if, if. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Beomseok's lips part.
“Ahn Suho,” a voice drawls lazily. They all look up at the ring, where Wooyoung leans against the ropes. He jerks his head. “Climb in.”
Sieun's heart jumps. “Suho –”
Suho reaches out a hand to Sieun. Something like don't worry. “You wanna get beat by me again, Wooyoung?”
Wooyoung chuckles. “You talk a big game. Wanna put your fist where your mouth is?”
Suho looks at him for a moment. Sieun's heart thunders in his ears. His hand twitches to touch Suho's.
“Nah,” Suho says, stepping back. “I'm good.” Sieun's entire body unlatches. Suho's gaze falls back to Beomseok. “You won't apologize?”
“I don't have anything to apologize for,” Beomseok spits. He's shaking like a dog. “You run around here, righteous and –”
“You kidnapped a girl and cornered me in a garage,” Sieun says sharply. They all look at him, stunned, but Sieun doesn't care. He's warm. Too warm. “You watched as they hit me with a crowbar. And then you ran away.”
Suho's face twitches in anger. He looks back at Beomseok. “A crowbar?”
Sieun feels the wind off the hit before he sees Suho move. Beomseok's head is knocked back. The sound echoes through the gym. Byuksan uniforms start for them, and Sieun can feel everything slipping out of his control. Someone gets him in the side, and he stumbles. Suho turns with deadly precision, knocking them away. He gets his hands on Jeongchan and makes quick work of him. But then there's another, and then another. And Suho's leg. His leg.
“Suho!” Sieun shouts before taking a fist to the chin. His lip splits. He tastes blood. The world tilts as he stumbles upright. By a miracle, he locks eyes with Suho. He can see the anger and pain lancing across his face. For Sieun. All of it for Sieun. He wants to say something, but from behind, Jeongchan swings something heavy.
It cracks across the back of Suho's skull.
Suho collapses.
Trial six: day 6
Sieun throws up so much that he passes out. He misses Yeongi's call because he's laying on the bathroom floor heaving.
Trial ten: day 12
Sieun goes with Suho a couple more times after that. It seems to be his best option, even if the outcome is all the same.
One time, he begs Suho to let him go in and talk to Beomseok. Sieun, of course, doesn't care to hear the man's apology, but Suho thinks he does, so he tries his best to convince Beomseok into saying sorry. Of course, Wooyoung gets bored, like a tiger pacing in a cage, and yells out to Suho, calling him a coward. It ends up with Suho in that ring, fighting Wooyoung.
Another time, Sieun says goodbye to Suho, and, knowing he would go find Yeongbin first, goes to the gym early. It ends with him and Beomseok going at it – Sieun, a desperate mess, and Beomseok, fraying at the edges of guilt and rage. Suho shows up in the middle of it all and defends Sieun as if it’s the only thing he knows how to do.
Sieun tries it all: begging Suho not to go into the gym (Suho almost leaves with him before fucking Jeongchan comes out, running his mouth); swinging one of the dumbells around when his classmates start swarming (he accidentally clips Beomseok and is so horribly stunned that he misses when Wooyoung tackles Suho from behind); he even tries kicking the camera that Wooyoung set up (Wooyoung gets to Sieun before Suho does – Sieun has wondered what that kick to the head might have felt like a million times, and now he knows).
But nothing Sieun does works. Absolutely nothing.
ANGER
Trial eleven: day 13
Sieun doesn't wake up in his bedroom. He wakes up in Suho's party room. His head spins. The pink lighting and brightness of the TV is immediately overwhelming. Suho is speaking from behind him, rummaging through the pizza boxes.
“ – did she even go?” He's saying. His mouth is full. It shouldn't be endearing, but it is. Sieun is so distracted by the happy note to his voice that he doesn't realize the weight of Suho's phone is in his palms. “I swear, if she's playing a prank on me –”
The texts are in front of his face.
I'm on my way over. Sent just a moment ago to Beomseok.
Sieun remembers what he did. He deleted them, blocked the number, turned off the phone, and shoved it in the crack of the couch. Then he stood and looked Suho in his eyes and told him that he would be back soon.
“Hey, Yeon Sieun,” Suho says. Sieun looks over at him. He's holding a piece of pizza up. “Come eat this with me.”
Sieun slyly pockets Suho's phone as he stands. “Before I eat, I need to run and grab something.” Suho's brows furrow. “I'll be quick. And I'll bring Yeongi back too.”
Sieun can kind of see it now. The places where Suho exercises restraint. Where he almost says fine, I'll come with you, but thinks twice. “Okay. But five minutes and then I'm coming after you.”
The familiar words knock at something hard in his gut. “Mh,” he nods, then slips out the door.
...
Unlike before, he doesn't go to the garage. He goes to the police station. He sounds crazy, but when he says that a girl has been taken, and he shows the text messages from Beomseok, they believe him. They take his statement, then tell him to wait in a room while they go to the address. Sieun's leg bounces the entire time. He counts the seconds and gets to one thousand nine hundred and fifty-four before the door to his room opens.
Sieun stands, eyes wide.
It's the cop he talked to just a while ago. He glances Sieun over, then steps aside to reveal Youngi. Sieun exhales, relief crashing through him. She clearly feels it too, and throws herself at him with reckless abandon. Sieun catches her, eyes stinging. He's missed her. It's been – how long? Over a week of Sieun trying to save Suho now? All he's been seeing is Suho sprawled out in gyms, or Yeongbin sobbing over his own broken hand, or Wooyoung grinning down at him like a demon.
“Where's Suho?” She asks. “Is he –”
“He's at the party room,” he says. “He's okay. Are you –”
Yeongi scoffs. “They so shitty, those fucking freaks. But I'm fine. They pissed me off more than anything.” She touches his arm. “I was just worried about you guys. I thought – I don’t know. I thought one of you would do something stupid. But it’s okay, cause they got Yeongbin and that one guy with the camera.”
“Wooyoung,” Sieun's shoulders ease. But – “what about Beomseok?”
Yeongi shakes her head. Sieun's stomach drops. “I guess they were all getting twitchy waiting for Suho to show up, so Beomseok left. He said something about going to find him. He sounded fucking stupid too, like a villian from a bad drama. I don’t know where he went, but –”
“Fuck,” Sieun says. He starts for the door. The cop rounds the corner and says something about needing Yeongi for her statement. He looks at her, torn.
“Go,” she says. “Go, Sieun, I'll be fine.”
He nods once, and then he rushes out the door. He runs five blocks down the street, crosses, then runs another three. He makes a left, then huff and puffs his way up another block before he's back at the party room. He's climbing the steps when he blinks and –
Trial twelve: day 14
What?
Sieun's chest is heaving after all that running, but–
“Are you guys still friends with Beomseok?”
Sieun looks up from the soup he's staring into. Yeongi is eating a bag of chips and scrolling on her phone. His head is pounding. His legs are trembling.
“What?” Sieun's throat is dry.
“Beomseok,” Yeongi repeats. “Are you guys still friends with him, or –”
“No.” Sieun answers. He steps forward and his knees almost give out. What happened to Suho last night? What went wrong? Why is he back here?
“Oh,” she frowns. She taps at her screen some. “He's a weird one, isn't he?”
“No,” Sieun says again, then – “yes. I don't know. Yeongi, what – what are you doing?”
She looks surprised. The hand with her phone lowers. “Waiting on Ahn Suho,” she says playfully, “he's so slow. You'd think a guy like that would be –”
“Are you taking shit about me?” Suho rounds the corner of the bathroom. He looks okay. He's fine. Sieun breathes. “Yeon Sieun, is she talking shit about me?”
“Of course I am,” Yeongi snips, jabbing at him with her nails. “You're so annoying –”
“It's my birthday,” Suho complains. He puts a hand on her head and pushes it down playfully. “You twerp –”
“Who's the twerp!”
And they're fake fighting with each other right then and there as Sieun tries to regulate his breathing. His quiet must drag on a bit too long because Suho steps over to him, around the counter. He inhales in an exaggerated fashion. All nostrils. His arm bumps Sieun's.
“Mmm,” he goes, beaming. “I can't believe you're cooking for your hyung.” He throws an arm over Sieun's shoulder. Behind them, Yeongi snorts. The sound of her phone camera goes off. “I bet it'll be good.”
“Maybe,” Sieun says. He's still breathless. “If you get to try it.”
“What do you mean?” Suho jostles him a bit. “Course I'll try it. But come here first – have some pizza.” Suho drags Sieun over to the boxes, and somehow stays wrapped around him as he wrangles a cheese slice out. He holds it up to Sieun's mouth. “Here you go, Sieun – say ah –”
Sieun's face is hot. But he keeps his eyes on Suho, and opens his mouth. Suho's grin gets larger. Just a hint. The tip of the slice lays on Sieun's tongue. It's warm and delicious, and with it, Sieun's stomach pangs sharply. He hasn't been hungry all this time, but now –
“There you go,” Suho whispers. It's like they're the only people in the room. And yet, they're not.
“Hey,” Yeongi pops up suddenly, leaning on the counter across from them. “You wanna hand-feed me too, Suho?”
Suho glares. Sieun takes the slice with his own hands so Suho can banter at Yeongi while he eats. He sits there, blinking slowly, his body relaxing for the first time in ages. Suho stays warm at his side. The feeling of him talking rumbles through Sieun, making him tip a little. His eyelids lower bit by bit.
“Hey. Are you sleeping on my birthday?” Suho whispers.
“No,” Sieun tries, but it comes out sounding exhausted. He can’t help it. Any sleep he gets is restless and quick. These things – loops, he’s beginning to call them – aren’t conducive to rest. Every situation he’s put in is more intense than the last. But he can’t stop. He needs to figure out how to save Suho. He needs to –
“You’re tired.” Suho cuts in. He rubs warm fingers in a circular motion against Sieun’s shoulder. It feels nice. “That's okay. Since I'm the greatest hyung in the world, you can close your eyes. Just stay right here. Okay, Yeon Sieun? Right here by my side.”
Sieun mumbles something that's barely even words. He falls asleep to the sound of Suho's heart beating. He wakes up a little later to yelling. He jerks, pulling his cheek off the counter. The sleep made his head fuzzy and his eyes blurry, so he has to blink a few times in order to make out Beomseok's figure. Behind him, the door is open and Yeongbin is coming in. Wooyoung too. Those dickheads from Byuksan.
Suho is standing in front of Yeongi, defensive. She's cupping a hand over her left eye as if she was hit. Fuck. Fuck.
Sieun doesn't even think. He reaches for one of the chopsticks on the table, but Yeongbin, coming up behind him, smacks his hand, then takes the back of his neck and bashes it against the counter.
Suho yells, but Sieun can barely breathe through the blood that's pouring from his broken nose and down his throat.
“How’s that,” Yeongbin hisses in his ear. He takes a fist of Sieun's hair, pulls him back, then slams him down again. Sieun scrambles, but he's clumsy and discombobulated. He's seeing black. He can't–
Trial thirteen: day 15
Sieun finds Yeongbin first.
“You – mother – fucker –” he grits, slamming the crowbar against his limp body with every word. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you –”
Trial fourteen: day 16
Further back this time.
It's jarring to see any of his old exams, much less one that he remembered caring so badly about. He blinks down at the packet on his desk. The sound of pencils scratching against paper are all around him. He resists the urge to turn and look in the direction of Suho's desk. He has to remind himself that they don't actually know each other yet.
He's exhausted and he's pissed off. It's something boiling under his skin. No amount of smacking anyone around is going to be able to get rid of it. No grade he gets is going to even matter, but he picks up his pencil to redo this exam.
And then a hand smacks loudly at the back of his neck.
Sieun inhales slowly. He turns, already glaring. Beomseok is the same as always: fidgeting under scrutiny. As if he's innocent. As if he won't kick Suho while he's down. As if he won't ruin Sieun's life.
“Th– there was a fly,” he says, gesturing around nervously. Then he pushes at his glasses.
Sieun keeps his eyes on Beomseok, then reaches for the back of his neck and pulls the fentanyl patch off. Beomseok's eyes get really big. A few rows back, Yeongbin leans forward in his chair, shocked.
“A fly,” Sieun repeats. He flicks the patch at Beomseok. He flinches.
“Eyes forward,” their teacher reprimands.
He turns around and picks up his pencil again.
...
This would be one of his longer loops. It's been a couple of days of Sieun just – attending school as if everything that happened before didn't happen. He avoids Beomseok when the man tries to apologize for listening to Yeongbin. He also ignores it when Yeongbin starts kicking Beomseok around. He watches out of the corner of his eye as Beomseok flinches and ducks balled up pieces of paper and wayward palms.
He's not here to save Beomseok, he thinks, dragging his gaze to the slumbering Suho in the corner.
Yeongbin seems to believe that Sieun is an equally available target, which is ridiculous. So Sieun stabs him again. He whines and cries about the pen sticking out of his shoulder, but Sieun has heard him whining and crying plenty before and has never cared. He's impassive to the way they all get scared of him after that. (Except Suho. Suho makes a point to find him and call him a psycho to his face. Sieun blinks at him, nods once, then walks past him.) He tells himself that he prefers it – loneliness.
He sits through class after class, walks himself home, cooks himself dinner, and convinces himself that this is the loop where he's done it. Suho will live, Sieun will be alone.
And then Beomseok drugs Suho.
They're lingering outside after physical education, some enjoying the sun, others enjoying pushing each other around and laughing. Sieun is watching Suho from afar, wondering about so many things. How his grandmother is doing. How his delivery job is. If he ever notices Sieun. Stupid, trivial things.
Yeongbin has an arm around Beomseok. He's trying not to notice it, but it's becoming increasingly hard. Beomseok is just – constantly pale. He never fights. One time Sieun was washing his hands in the bathroom, and Beomseok stepped up to the sink next to him. They didn't talk, but as Sieun was turning away, he could see the shading of a heavy grip around Beomseok's thin wrist.
Sieun knows the damage a person pushed all the way into a corner can do. He remembers breaking Yeongbin's nose with that textbook. He can picture Beomseok feeling something like that. He just can't understand why, if he needed help, he didn't come to them.
Sieun sighs, looking away. There's no use wondering about it now. However, his gaze snaps back when Yeongbin and his crew laugh loudly. It's an ugly sound that only means trouble. Suho, who was lounging against the bleachers, is up now, stumbling. Beomseok is cringing backwards like he was dodging a hit, but it just never connected.
Sieun squints. Suho stumbles again.
“What's wrong, Suho?” Yeongbin taunts. “Not feeling good?”
Suho says something. Yeongbin is strolling over, backed up by two guys. Sieun's stomach tightens. He doesn't even feel it when he stands up. But he's too slow to stop Yeongbin from throwing a punch across Suho's undefended face.
Suho just barely manages to hang on to his balance.
Sieun, however, doesn't at all. He charges forward, dropping his shoulder and tackling Yeongbin around the gut. They both fall to the dirt. Their classmates around them start cheering and getting rowdy. Sieun scrambles so he's on top of Yeongbin. He pins him with his body. He doesn't have a weapon, so he just jams the heel of his hand against Yeongbin's stupid fucking face. Yeongbin gasps, flinching, struggling. He's trying to speak; trying to ask why.
He must be confused, so Sieun decides to make it perfectly clear. He wraps his hands around Yeongbin's throat and squeezes.
“Don't fucking touch him,” Sieun growls. “Ever.”
He gurgles, eyes bulging. Sieun briefly considers killing him just to be done with it – this loop is over now anyway – but a hand tugs weakly at his shirt.
Beomseok.
“The teacher is coming,” he says frantically. “Sieun –”
Sieun tosses Yeongbin's stupid head, and gets off him. He doesn't bother watching the way the man curls into a ball, or how his flock of lackeys descend on him, trying to see if he's okay. Sieun brushes past a hovering Beomseok to kneel at Suho's side.
“Psycho,” Suho slurs, blinking rapidly. “T’nk somth’ng's wrong wit’ me.” Sieun grits his teeth. He reaches, and peels a fentanyl patch off Suho's neck before helping Suho to his feet. Suho is unsteady, so he ducks, guiding Suho's arm over his own shoulders. Suho gets with the program quickly, leaning his body weight on Sieun, head dipping slightly. “Gonna take care o’me?”
“Yeah,” Sieun says. “That okay?”
“Heh – you into me or somth'ng?”
“Shush,” Sieun responds as they walk away. Yeongbin's still gasping for breath behind them.
.
Sieun tends to him in the bathroom, skipping class so he can sit with Suho on the dirty floor and shake the effects off. Suho isn't shy at all, and lays his head in Sieun's lap. He whines about how it hurts, so Sieun pets his hair. That quiets him.
“Been watching you, you know,” Suho says. His words are choppy, but clear. His gaze isn't focused though. Sieun is trying not to worry.
“Watching me?”
“Yeah. You sit and study. And stab people.” Suho chuckles. “S'cute. I like it.”
“You call me psycho,” but it warms something in Sieun's gut to know that Suho has noticed him.
“I like psychos,” Suho turns his face into Sieun's stomach. Sieun keeps running his hands through his hair. He wishes the world would leave them alone. What did they do to deserve any of this?
“You don't even know me.”
“Feel like I do,” Suho mumbles. “Feels like – feels like we've been here before.” Sieun swallows. He brushes a thumb over Suho's temple. “Y'know?”
“I know,” Sieun says thickly.
“Sieun,” Suho breathes. He turns up so they're looking at each other. His eyelids are fluttering. “I – I don't feel good.” And then he turns over and violently throws up on the floor.
Trial fifteen: day 23
So the continued dizziness and disconnected speech were signs of a severe concussion.
When Sieun wakes up in another loop after having the warmth of Suho's body against his, he breaks a lot of things. Then he puts bloody hands on his own temples and cries angrily. When he's finished, he walks the slow trek back to the classroom.
He stands in the doorway for a moment, considering. Everyone except for Beomseok is doing the exam. Sieun can see the patch waiting on his finger. Ignoring him isn't enough. Yeongbin's already started to sink his claws into him.
Maybe –
Sieun strides forward. He sits. When Beomseok slaps the patch onto him, he calmly takes it off and tosses it to the floor. Yeongbin, of course, drags Beomseok outside after the exam.
Predictable.
“Suho,” Sieun says, knocking his knuckles against the desk. Suho startles awake. He squints at Sieun in confusion. “I need your help.”
Outside, Beomseok is already on the ground. Sieun can see blood on his sweater. Sieun's eye twitches.
“Yah!” Suho says loudly, stopping them in the middle of their kicks. They all look over. Beomseok, with arms over his head, just shudders in the dirt. Suho puts a hand on his hip, like he's tired. “Really? Your exam went that badly?”
“Stay out of this,” Yeongbin growls. Then he points at Sieun. “You're next, fuckface.”
Suho's eyes darken. “See, now you've gone too far.” He steps forward, and everyone but Yeongbin scrambles back. “I'm giving you a chance – walk away while you can still walk.”
“You act like some God,” Yeongbin scoffs. “You're not.”
“No,” Suho says, “I'm not.” Then he kicks Yeongbin in the face.
Sieun doesn't bother watching. He knows Suho will win. Instead, he kneels down at Beomseok's side.
“Beomseok,” Sieun touches his shoulder. Beomseok whimpers, curling further. “Beomseok, you're okay. Can you sit up?”
Beomseok's breath hitches. “Can't – I –”
“You can. You can.” Sieun touches his back to guide him. Beomseok's bleeding from his nose, but it's not broken. Behind Sieun, Yeongbin groans in pain. “He's nothing, Beomseok. I swear.”
There's a thud, and then a shadow looms over Sieun. He looks up at Suho. He's as bright as the sun. He looks a little disappointed though, looking down at them both. Sieun's not sure what that means. But he reaches down and helps them both up.
“You good?” Suho asks Beomseok as he brushes dirt off Sieun.
“T-thank you,” his head bobbles. “You didn't have to –”
“They're cowards,” Sieun says boldly. They both look at him. Suho huffs in soft amusement. “They deserved it.”
Beomseok swallows. His expression is unreadable.
...
Days pass.
Sieun's wary of everything. Especially now that Beomseok is close to them again. The three of them sit together at lunch, and leave class together at the end of the day. Sometimes, since Sieun doesn't bother going to cram school to learn things he's already learned, they hang out in the pool hall, or by the water. Sieun is goaded into trying different flavor energy drinks by Suho while Beomseok quietly snicker at his disgruntled expressions.
It's good. For now.
“What about you, Oh Beom?” Suho asks. “Family – you got any?”
Beomseok's expression fluctuates. “Yeah.” He shrugs. “They're fine.”
Which is the most nothing answer Sieun's ever heard. And a lie. He remembers the vitriol with which Beomseok discussed that one portrait in his house. Sieun doesn't know what a happy family unit looks like, but he knows an unhappy one when he sees it.
“Come on,” Suho pushes, “tell us more. Any little Beomies running around? You seem like the type. You've got that older brother vibe. You know – quiet but nice.”
“No,” Beomseok shakes his head. “I'm not. I – I have an older brother, but we don't talk much. There's an age gap, so – yeah.”
Suho hums, knocking back the rest of his can. When he's swallowed, he goes, “that can be rough. But you'll reconnect in the future, you know? That's how that always goes.”
“How would you know?” Beomseok challenges. Sieun looks at him warily, but he's more curious than aggressive.
“Gotta have hope,” Suho says. “Otherwise what else is there?”
Beomseok considers that for a second in silence. Then – “what are you hoping for?” Sieun is curious too.
“My grandmother to live forever,” he raises his empty can. Beomseok slowly raises his to touch it.
“I hope that my father doesn't,” he whispers. They both look at him. Oh, Sieun thinks. There's a tightness in the air.
Suho adjusts easily. “Hey. Cheers to that.”
...
When Suho forces Sieun to train, Beomseok comes with. He learns how to block a hit. How to fall. How to hold his hand to throw a punch. Just in case, Suho says, adjusting Beomseok's elbow. But if something's really fucking you up, you call me, okay? Hyung will come and get you.
Beomseok nods, throat bobbing, eyes suspiciously shiny.
.
“You're alone most of the time,” Sieun notices, because the thing inside Beomseok is easy to hold a mirror to.
“Yeah,” Beomseok is loose now with them. He's honest. “They don't really want me. They never did.”
Sieun considers that. He thinks about his own parents arguing in the hall. Their wishes for a normal son. Their failed marriage. His empty call log. He thinks about Suho sprawling on his unused couch, taking up all the space in the room.
“That's fine,” he says. Then – “we want you.”
.
“Hey. Put that away.” Suho says, pushing Beomseok's wallet back. “I got it, okay?”
.
“You can come over if you want.” Sieun offers, when Beomseok admits that his father has been angry that week. "My parents are never home. You can stay on the couch.”
Beomseok's head bobs gratefully.
.
And Suho –
“This is good, isn't it?” He asks when they're sitting at lunch alone. Beomseok went to the bathroom, and left them together to tactically avoid each other's eyes. “Him. This. You're – you're happy, aren't you, Yeon Sieun?”
Sieun feels Suho's ankle brush his. Alive and well and enticing. He swallows thickly. He refuses to hope. “Mhm.”
.
Sieun is asleep in his bed when he's woken up by the doorbell buzzing.
He jerks up, head spinning with images of Suho's red windbreaker and that gym and Beomseok's hate-filled expression. But it all fades away to the simple darkness of his room. The clock, which reads 2:16 AM, and Sieun's cracked bedroom door, which he opens to stumble to the front door.
“Who is it?” Sieun mumbles.
“Sieun –” Beomseok is there, and his voice is shaking. “Help – please, Suho –”
Sieun rips the door open. Hanging off Beomseok's shoulder is Suho, with blood dripping from his temple. His eyes are closed. His arm is dangling.
“What –” Sieun's chest is fluttering. “Beomseok, what –”
“Sorry,” Beomseok is trembling. “I'm so sorry. I –”
Sieun quickly steps forward, ducking under Suho's limp arm and bracing it with him. They stagger inside, and it's only under the lights of Sieun's living room that he sees Beomseok's black eye.
“What happened?” Sieun demands, pressing a cloth to the cut in Suho's head. It's bleeding too much. There's too much blood. And Beomseok is crying. He's crying loudly.
“I called him– I called him for help,” he sobs. “He was only there because of me. My father – the aids – they're– they're on their way to his grandmother's. I shouldn't have called him, I didn't think he'd care, I thought – I just wanted –”
“He helped you,” Sieun realizes. “He – you asked and he – he fucking –”
“I'm sorry, Sieun, I didn't –” Beomseok reaches down. Maybe he's going to help, maybe he's going to tend to Suho, but Sieun can't– he can't –
“Don't touch him,” Sieun is almost shrill. He can't breathe. Beomseok jumps back, eyes like two plates. “Don't – don't – I can't –”
His chest is too tight. He lets go of the cloth. He stumbles, knees giving out. It was good. It was good. Why – what –
Beomseok is speaking; he's creeping closer, scared, of and for Sieun. He's reaching out, but Sieun can't hear him. He can't feel anything. He can't breathe. Why can't he –
Trial sixteen: day 43
Forward in time. Post-karaoke room.
Beomseok doesn't even look at the two of them. Sieun is grateful, because his hands are still trembling from before. It's better this way, where Beomseok is already pretending to dislike them, because now Sieun can pretend that his problems are only his to hold.
Sieun now understands that he can't save them both. He can barely save Suho. He can barely save himself. So he ignores Beomseok when Suho advises it. And they pretend like they never knew him.
But Sieun still holds all those late nights side-by-side by the water in his chest. He still hears his quiet laughter over their homework. He still feels the gentle, hesitant press of his hip against Sieun's. That was all real. The loop can't just take it from him.
“Don't think too hard about him,” Suho tries. Sieun is distant from him now. Partly because he's tired. Partly because he knows it doesn't matter whether they're close or not. It hurts all the same. “He's fucking around with those bastards because he's got no backbone. You hear me?”
Sieun's not sure what he's doing here, if he's being honest. Is he supposed to be accepting that his friends’ lives will always be ruined because of him?
Suho touches Sieun's forehead suddenly. Pokes right between his brows. “Yah. Listen to me.” Sieun blinks. Suho tips his head down a bit, then smiles. “Hey. What are you working on up there, genius?”
“I'm not a genius,” Sieun says.
This is the part where he nudges Suho away, but he's tired. Suho is warm. And Sieun misses him in a weird way. That very first loop, when Sieun broke down in his arms on the couch. The loop where Suho watched him intently as he ate. Every time their hands brushed. The weight of his head in Sieun's lap. He misses Suhos that never even happened. He doesn't have space in his body for all the grief.
“Sure,” Suho snorts. He takes the chance to drag him closer. “Hey. Come drive with me tonight.”
“Why?”
“You should say yes,” Suho grins. “You can buy me food.”
Sieun raises an eyebrow. “I can buy you food.”
“You should treat your hyung,” Suho leans in. Sieun's heart kicks up in speed. “Or – fine. I'll treat you. Whatever you want. Just say yes, hm? Come on. Stop thinking so hard.”
Sieun ends up agreeing. A fact which he doesn't regret for most of their night together. Suho putters around town from restaurant to apartment complex and gently bullies Sieun into taking the food up. Every time he comes back down, Suho is waiting for him, holding the helmet. One time, he puts it on Sieun and then kisses the glass. It was just a thin sheet separating Suho's pursed lips from Sieun's forehead, and Sieun thought about it all night. He's still thinking about it when Suho drops him off on the street to his place.
“Here,” Suho presses something small into Sieun's hands.
Sieun looks at it. It's a keychain. White and furry and long. He looks back up at Suho, brows furrowed.
“Halmeoni gave it to me after everything,” he rubs the back of his neck. “She was worried.”
“Why are you giving it to me?”
“Because,” he says, as if that's a full answer. At Sieun's expectant silence, he adds, “you're the genius. Figure it out.” Then he puts his helmet on, kicks up the kickstand, and turns the key.
Sieun watches him drive off until he rounds the corner. He looks down at the keychain, considering. Suho's hand in his. The warm expanse of his back. The way he straps the helmet around Sieun's chin. The lips on the glass. He closes his fingers around the keychain. You're the genius. Figure it out.
It can't be, he thinks.
Sieun turns to go back inside, and hears a horrifying screech of metal that drags at his heart. He turns back, fear like smoke in his throat. No, he thinks. No –
BARGINING
Trial 21: day 52
LOOP DETAILS
Primary Goal: Save Ahn Suho.
s̶e̶c̶o̶n̶d̶a̶r̶y̶ ̶g̶o̶a̶l̶:̶ ̶S̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶O̶h̶ ̶B̶e̶o̶m̶s̶e̶o̶k̶
Initial findings:
- Ahn Suho will always seek revenge after the Birthday Incident. He will always follow me where I ask. He will even follow when I don't. He seems to always know that I want him around no matter what I say to contradict that belief.
conclusion 1: Suho is a creature of habit and loyalty.¹
¹ he has pledged his loyalty to me, for reasons unknown.
For every loop, Sieun writes new notes. The loop allows him to keep his notebook, similar to the way it allows him to keep the rabbit's foot, or the hunger pangs from the day before, or lets his hair grow past his ears. It does not allow him to keep Ahn Suho.
Initial findings:
- Ahn Suho as a personality attracts challenge and trouble. People like Jeongchan and Taehoon and in some cases, Beomseok, believe he sees himself as above them. There is no changing their views.
Conclusion 2: They must be taken out of the equation.
...
– killing yeongbin leads to seokdae and youngi seeking revenge. hurting yeongbin leads to him forever pursuing me, and in turn, suho. ignoring beomseok leads to him being used against me and suho by yeongbin. protecting beomseok leads to outside forces hurting both him and suho. attacking taehoon subdues him only slightly, but as long as he's with jeongchan, they will bounce back. beomseok's money only goes so far to appease them. telling suho to ignore them just leads to him being upset when they target me. talking to the cops does nothing. talking to the teachers does nothing. talking to beomseok does nothing. talking to –
...
Initial findings:
- The Loop is following a pattern that I cannot deduce.
Theory 1: it is structured after my own thought process. (Once I realized that Suho would always seek revenge, it took me back further in time to try other options.)
Theory 2: it is magic, and thus there is no scientific pattern to examine. (It will end abruptly in the middle of interactions, some of which Suho is alive and breathing for. It either does not have the same intentions that I do for these loops, or no intentions whatsoever³)
³ is there truly a way out? Does anything I do actually matter?
...
Sometimes, Sieun runs out of theories, so he just writes Suho's name over and over, like a prayer.
...
- Similar to Suho, there is a quality about me which makes people angry. Yeongbin does not hear the words from my mouth for what they are. Neither does Beomseok post-karaoke. There are Loops in which Yeongi doesn't either. Since Suho is following me, I need to be cognizant of these facts.
conclusion 3: In order to keep him safe, I must keep myself safe.
*Alternative conclusion: if keeping myself safe does not work (as in many cases it does not) then I must keep myself away from him.
Trial 22: day 57
Sieun wakes up mid-swing. The chair is too heavy and his momentum is too great for him to pull back. The resulting thud is wet and vibrates through Sieun's bones.
And Suho goes down. And Suho is gone.
DEPRESSION
Trial 23: day 58
Sieun climbs the length of a very tall building.
Trial 24: day 59
The loop seems to find it funny to take him back just a few moments. He stares unseeing down at the pavement where he just fell.
Trial 25: day 60
Sieun tries to ignore Ahn Suho.
When his pencil case falls to the floor, he just picks it up himself. When Suho knocks at his door with a wrong delivery, he doesn't answer. When Beomseok presses a fentanyl patch to the skin of his neck, Sieun excuses himself to shiver in the last stall of the bathroom alone.
But –
“Yah –” in the hall right before class. “You're the nerd, right?” Sieun stays still. Suho ducks around him. “Do you know what the hell was going on in class today? Because she's talking about a mock exam, and she wants to call my grandmother about me sleeping in class, which is ridiculous, I mean, can't a guy just nap without–”
And –
“Are you gonna finish that?” Suho asks, leaning over, pointing at Sieun's rice bowl. Sieun debates getting up, but Suho reaches over and pulls the airpod out of his ear. “Hey. You know keeping these in all day isn't good for you, right? You should really think about your health–”
And further still –
“Delivery!”
...
So Suho is an undeniable force that has picked Sieun, and Sieun can't change that. Good to know.
Trial 26: day 68
Yeongbin is annoyingly simple to understand.
Weak kid from a rich family that was used to throwing money around in exchange for power. He came to Byuksan and made friends with kids that weren't rich, and experienced the classic feeling of needing to be liked that everyone eventually has to go through. He couldn't do it through money, because they would see through it in a second. So he did it through violence. Given that he's not very smart, is quite emotionally immature, and frightened, Sieun can, with distance, look at his actions and understand them.
But, under the force of Taehoon's thick hand, with the world darkening around the edges, he just can't.
“Apologize properly,” he demands. “Make me believe it.”
“Sorry,” Sieun forces himself to say. Yeongbin's grin grows. “I'm sorry.”
“Now tell me you'll be a good boy.” There are chuckles from Taehoon and Jeongchan. Yeongbin's eyes are gleaming. “Go on. I want to hear you say it.”
Bile rises in Sieun's throat. He would rather be choked to death. He will, he decides. Because this isn't working. Fuck this loop. He's fought Yeongbin too many times to bother doing this cowardly shit. He's not sure what he thought this would get him but –
“Move.”
Suho.
In shock, Taehoon drops Sieun. Sieun collapses to the floor, breath rushing back into his body, head swimming. He hears Suho's voice, and footsteps, and a bit of a commotion, but he can only focus on getting his lungs to stop fluttering in panic.
“You alright?”
Sieun looks up at Suho, overwhelmed. Suho is holding out a hand to him. Sieun presses his palms against the floor and pushes himself to his feet.
“Fine,” he croaks, cutting his gaze to the ground. Suho retracts his hand. Sieun steps to the side.
They move on.
...
Suho keeps intercepting Yeongbin without even trying.
When he tosses out Sieun's clothes, Suho shows up in the locker room with an extra shirt. (Sieun keeps it through the school day and falls asleep with it that night.) When the patch is placed on his neck, Sieun stumbles to the bathroom, only to run into Suho. (He catches Sieun in his gentle hands and presses wet paper towels to his forehead. They never mention it again.) When Yeongbin kicks Sieun into the bricks after school, Suho flies in and knocks him upside the head. (What the fuck is this guy's deal? No seriously. He's starting to piss me the fuck off, actually –)
He's just– everywhere. All the time. All over Sieun's life. He won't let Sieun give in. It's as if something in Suho's being knows he needs to protect him.
But no – Sieun thinks, as Suho brushes off Sieun's boot-stomped backpack. That couldn't be it. It's just who he is. That's all. He hates injustice.
And yet, a wiggling voice in Sieun's head argues, in all the trials, he's only ever been like this around you.
Trial 27: day 81
Sieun tells his parents that he's being targeted at Byuksan. Getting them in the room at the same time is too hard, so he does it over the phone. He tells them only the things that they need to know, which is that he's struggling and it's impacting how he performs at school. He figures that is more likely to get their attention than anything else.
He's right, of course. His mother is immediately looking for a school that will take him in so late into the year, and even dares to toss around the idea of study abroad. His father pushes back, saying that Sieun's not going to be able to travel on his own and that he isn't dropping everything to go with him, so will she be the one to do it? And of course – no. They still fight about it, as if either of them actually care about leaving Sieun by himself. Sieun sits there and waits for them to finish.
Eventually, Sieun transfers, and it's good because it's before Suho shows up at his door, before Beomseok, before everything. Maybe, he thinks, everyone's lives will be better without him in it.
Trial 28: day 83
He wakes up in his old bedroom, as if the move never happened. He doesn't bother writing it down. He won't try it again.
Trial 29: day 84
Sieun sits up there, at the top of that tall building, and imagines a world where Suho just stays in the coma.
He would wait, of course. Visit daily. He would never move on. He wouldn't let anyone get close ever again. He would die at Suho's bedside. He wonders if that would be worse than this.
Trial 30: day 85
Sieun opens his eyes in the hospital. But Suho is looking at him – bright and aware and a little dazed – and steaming in front of him is his tupperware of oxtail bone soup.
“You're so warm-hearted,” he's saying. Sieun is immediately hot in the face, remembering the words when they were first said. Sieun played them over and over in his head for days after. He thought about them every time he looked at Suho. And he imagined that Suho thought about it every time he looked at Sieun.
“Your eyes –” he continues. Sieun can feel himself melting slightly. That icy nothingness that's had a hold on him for the past couple of trials is being contested. “Your words – your expressions, you –”
Suho freezes.
“Suho?” Sieun frowns. Suddenly, Suho's body starts to tremble. His eyes roll back in his head. Machines start beeping loudly all around them; clanging like alarms.
“Suho?” Sieun panics, watching Suho shudder and quake and –
Trial ? - day: 8̶7̶ ̶8̶8̶ ̶8̶
Sieun curls up very, very small under his desk like he's five years old again. He used to do it to hide from his father during hide and seek in the house. It was a long time ago; back when Sieun had equal potential of being a sports star and an academic, so both his parents wanted to spend time with him.
He remembers the happiness and warmth of curling up under there. That unique giddy fear. Hiding from something that wasn't actually dangerous. Knowing you would always be found. Getting dragged out from under something only to be scooped up into safe, warm arms.
ACCEPTANCE
Day one:
Sieun stops keeping track of it all. Suho is alive right now. He is alive too. What else actually matters?
.
Day three:
“Delivery – ah, it's the nerd!”
.
Day four:
“ – sometimes work for a moving company on the weekends. Whenever I can, you know? I'm not gonna go to college or anything, so –”
.
Day eight:
“– don't eat enough, Yeon Sieun. I mean really, do I have to eat for the both of us? Because I will, but you'll be breaking my heart, genius, I swear –”
.
Day eleven:
“You're lucky I let you win. Yah! Oh Beom – didn't I let him win?”
“Beomseok, don't let him push you around. He's bad at pool.”
“I'm what? Wah – no respect for your hyung, I can't believe this –”
.
Day fifteen:
“ – you want to hold your wrist like this, okay? Make sure you can see, but keep your eyes and head covered. You understand, Oh Beom? Hey – Yeon Sieun – get over here, you should know this too.”
.
Day eighteen:
“My family adopted me for show. If I make trouble, it's– well. My father isn't happy about it. But – I mean, it's okay, I think. My brother – he left a while back – but he's back now. He says he's got a place of his own. He wants to know me, I think.”
.
Day twenty-three:
“What do you want to be when you get older?”
“...”
“Too hard a question for you, hm?”
“No. I'm thinking.” Then - “I think I want to be one of the people that knows you.”
“Oh. Hey, Sieun?”
“Hm?”
“I want that too.”
.
Day twenty-seven:
“This is my grandmother –”
“Oh, is this the lovely boy you go on and on about, baby? Come in, please. Let me get you something to drink, okay?”
.
Day thirty-two:
⁴⁵ suho has very pretty lips.
.
Day thirty-eight:
“Okay, so you hold the handlebars like this. These are the breaks – yah, are you watching, Yeon Sieun? This is serious stuff. We can't have you hurting that beautiful brain of yours!”
“I'm watching. These are the breaks.”
“Hm – yeah, these are the breaks, and here's the gas. You see down here? I don't know why you want to know all this, I can just take you wherever you want to go. You can count on your hyung.”
“I know.”
“You know?”
“I know. Just teach me.”
“Aish – okay, okay. So you want to kick this up –”
.
Day forty:
“Suho.” Sieun pokes him awake when everyone breaks for lunch. He stirs, blinks up at Sieun, then smiles so, so big. “Come with me.”
He follows diligently – if noisily – down the stairs and out Byuksan to the bottom of the hill. All the way to his own motorcycle. Ai? What are we – Sieun cuts him off by putting Suho's helmet on his dumbfounded head. He climbs on the motorcycle, then looks at Suho.
“Well?”
Suho is flustered, it's obvious. He clambers on, talking a mile a minute about how cool you are Yeon Sieun, just so cool; and Sieun implements the teaching he received – as well as the couple of months where his father pushed him to learn to drive before he joined the national team coaching staff – to take them all the way to Eurwangni beach.
“You're gonna miss the rest of classes,” Suho tries to say. They're getting off the bike, and he's grabbing Sieun's hand and wrist and arm to help. It's overwhelming. It's good. “Why –”
“I want to,” he says. He doesn't have any other reasons. Suho is here. He is here. And he wants to. So he will. “Will you come?”
“Course,” Suho slips close. His arm finds Sieun's shoulders. “Yeah. We should get food. I'm feeling beef skewers. Beef skewers with rice and those braised potatoes you like so much.”
They go find food, and carefully carry it over to the water. It's a bit of a cooler day, and Sieun didn't bring anything for them to sit on, so they just sit on the sand with their uniform pants. Suho cracks open the styrofoam container and immediately tries to shove food in Sieun's face. Sieun eats it just to see the way Suho smiles in satisfaction.
They're quiet, side by side, as the waves lap against the sand. It feels as if they're the only people in the world together, and that makes Sieun want to say –
“I'm stuck in a time loop.”
Suho looks over. “Oh yeah?”
Sieun nods.
“What's it like?” He asks.
“Confusing.” Sieun admits. He meets Suho's eyes. “But it's all about you.” Suho's eyebrows climb upwards. He seems pleased to hear that. Funny. “You get hurt a lot. And then it resets. I've tried everything, but I always fail to save you.”
Suho considers that for a moment. “It sounds like I'm the one failing.” Sieun frowns. “I keep leaving you –” he points out. “I better clean up my act. I mean, why would anyone ever leave a pretty boy like you?”
Sieun has to look at the water for this next part. “You call me pretty a lot.”
“You sound shocked,” Suho tips his head in that way he has. Always trying to catch Sieun's gaze. Always trying to see into him. “The other versions of me didn't?”
“No,” he answers. But – “yes. Sometimes.”
“Ah,” Suho is moving suddenly, getting closer. Sieun blinks at his grinning, boyish, alive face. His eyes are squinting in their mirth. Sieun wants to touch the red splotch of his cheeks. “These versions of me suck. Remember me the best, Yeon Sieun, cause I'm the real deal.”
“Okay,” Sieun breathes, heart aching.
Suho juts his chin around to the water, and sand, and everything. “How many loops have you done this with me?”
“None.”
“And this?” Suho puts his sandy hand over Sieun's.
Sieun's breath hitches in his chest. “None,” he whispers.
Suho bobs his head in something like a celebration. “See? We're breaking ground.”
Sieun thinks. He thinks and thinks and thinks. Because – you're the genius. Figure it out.
Sieun swallows. Then, slowly, he turns the hand under Suho's upwards and laces their fingers together. “Suho-ya.”
The corners of Suho's mouth stretch further, showing all his teeth. “Yeah?”
“I think – I want to live.” He says. They lock eyes. “With you. I want to grow. I want to stop looping.”
“Okay,” Suho says, as if it's in his control. As if he would grant Sieun's every wish. And Sieun thinks he would if he could. Sieun thinks about his footnote: he has pledged his loyalty to me, for reasons unknown. He has a theory. “What else do you want?”
“I want to kiss you,” Sieun says. “Can I?”
Suho exhales as if he's been holding his breath for years and years. He shifts forward, leaning over Sieun's body, tipping his head to the side, reaching. Sieun closes the gap. The world shifts inside of him – expanding and getting infinitely brighter.
.
Day 775
Suho lives. Sieun lives too.