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The last place Harry ever saw himself was returning to his hometown, a place etched in pain and torment. However, when he had nowhere else to go, it was the closest thing that resembled home.
As he got off the train, two bags in hand, he stared around, not quite sure what to do next. He knew his mother would be thrilled to see him again, but he was certain she was the only one.
He stared off in the distance, despising the sight and all that home represented, considering how he grew up. While he adored his mother, she was the only thing that had him returning to a place filled with resentment and anger.
Coming out as a youth had been difficult. He’d lost all the people he’d called friends, leading him to deal with depression and anxiety, and ultimately a bout of loneliness that could not be equaled. Harry had made the choice to leave home at sixteen, deciding the large city would be safer for him.
And truthfully, it was. For ten years, it provided a sense of safety and contentment that had been unmatched since he came out. He kept in touch with his mother as he worked through menial jobs, finding a group of people who could relate to his younger years. Though, with his departure, he’d lost the relationship with his sister, though his mother had tried her best to keep the contact open.
Harry had never gone on to finish school, but that was okay. Over the last five years in particular, he'd made decent wages as a bartender at a busy club and even found himself a boyfriend through his friends.
They’d moved in together, but after five years, the relationship began to dwindle. He discovered that his friends preferred the company of the boyfriend. The club slowed down and closed, leaving him without an income, and when he lost his boyfriend completely, he also lost a place to live.
His mother had asked him to come home and Harry didn’t want to, immediately telling her no. However, he didn’t have better options, and didn't have any other resources to keep him where he was. So with the last money in his account, he purchased the ticket home, returning for the first time since he’d left ten years prior. He didn’t tell his mother the final decision, too ashamed to admit he didn't have another choice.
So with his bags in hand, holding everything he’d been able to take with him, he began to trek towards his childhood home. Seeing the familiar places had him sighing sadly, not quite sure what to expect with his return. He wondered if people would still view him the same, if the ladies at church would ask him to leave again, if the boys would avoid the restrooms if he entered.
Harry knew he didn’t look the same either. While he loved his long hair, his boyfriend had not, convincing him to cut it short a few years earlier. He was taller now, muscles developed in ways they couldn’t at sixteen, and a lingering sense of resentment weighing him down. Even with his years of therapy, he’d not been able to let it go.
At his last therapy session, his therapist thought going home might provide him with a sense of closure. Harry thought the notion was ridiculous and laughed at her in response. However, as he walked the streets that had once been his home, he understood now what she meant. He was still wary of who he might encounter, but there was something that felt good about being there.
When he arrived at the doorstep of his mother’s house, Harry realized that he should’ve called, considering he didn’t have keys anymore. Groaning to himself, he sat on the porch, knowing he didn’t have a better option until she arrived home. She didn’t work today, but her car was missing and he had no knowledge of her day to day activities beyond that.
Staring across the street, Harry was surprised that he could still see the meadow. The playground was intact, where he’d gone for hours every day after school, or even all day during the summer. He loved that meadow and the hill attached to it.
Harry stared for a long while, smiling to himself at the warm memories, recalling a childhood friend who he'd spent his time with. They'd been abnormally close and he had eventually gone on to be Harry's first kiss at thirteen, his gay awakening in a way.
Shortly afterwards, their family had moved away and Harry came out a short time afterwards. He stared at the sights, surprised he'd forgotten about him. Every memory was filled with warmth, instead of the constant anger he told his friends about.
Harry stood from the porch and left his bags in place, and began to walk towards the park. It’d been fixed up, mended in ways that were meant for improvement, but it definitely wasn’t the same.
As he entered, he bypassed the swings and play area for the meadow behind it. He was relieved to see that they’d done nothing with it, beyond the general maintenance. Nothing had been built in its place and Harry smiled at the sight, warming considerably as he lay back in the grass as he’d done for so many years.
Staring up at the blue sky, he made quiet angels in the grass and he closed his eyes, basking in the glow of the sun. Despite his recent weeks of stress, it all began to wash away, making him laugh softly at the sudden relief he felt.
Slowly, he sat up and moved to his feet, walking towards the large hill beyond the meadow. The old oak tree still sat in the distance and he smiled, recalling a specific memory that occurred there. He stood for a moment longer before curling his body to roll down the hill as he’d done thousands of times before.
He yelped at how quickly he rolled, gasping and crying out with glee, a sound that he’d not been able to make recently. At the bottom, he came to a stop and sat up slowly, still dizzy and giddy from the movements. When his vision cleared, he was surprised to see that he wasn’t alone.
“Harry Styles,” the man said his name and Harry recognized him, but couldn't place the memory. “You remember me?”
“Vaguely,” Harry replied, tilting his head for a moment and then it clicked. “Louis Tomlinson,” he whispered, gasping with surprise upon encountering his first kiss right before him.
“I didn’t expect you here,” Louis said quietly, taking a seat beside Harry, “And rolling down Johnson’s Hill, no less.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a little roll down a hill,” Harry laughed quietly, slowly plucking grass beside his feet. It was easier to focus on that rather than looking at the boy that had changed his life all those years ago.
Louis hadn't been around for the turmoil when Harry had come out shortly after his move. He’d not seen the stares, heard the whispers, witnessed the bullying and aftermath. He knew it wasn’t Louis’ fault, but there was a part that placed blame on him too long before.
“Are you back in town?” Louis asked gently and Harry shrugged, uncertain if there was a proper answer for that. “I moved back after Uni, got a teaching degree. I, um, chat with your mum every once in a while.”
“What?!” Harry gasped, unable to help himself with that knowledge. His eyes were wide as they met Louis for the first time, immediately on the defense at the mention of his mother. “Why would you do that?”
“Hey, sorry,” Louis immediately apologized. “Look I ran into her at the grocers once and she seemed lonely, so I just popped in here and there. We have tea and chat a bit.”
“Don’t you have a partner for that?” Harry asked, knowing he was speaking harshly but he didn’t understand why Louis would do such a thing.
“That’s one way of asking, but no. I had a fiance, but he left after I wanted to move here,” he shrugged and Harry nodded, beginning to soften at that news.
“Why would you want to come back here?” Harry asked, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t have to.”
“Honestly? I’m not sure,” Louis sighed, “I had good experiences here. Your family was always kind to mine. I hated it after I moved.”
“I hated it after you moved, too,” Harry whispered, slowly recalling their friendship. It was as though he’d locked it away for some reason. He sucked in a breath and shook his head, chuckling darkly. “Turns out that kids are dicks when you tell them you’re gay.”
“Yeah, they are,” Louis nodded, reaching over to pat Harry’s arm, “But if it helps, most people know it about me. There’s a few issues, parents transferring their kids from my class, but mostly, no one cares.”
“Still sucks,” Harry muttered, glancing over at Louis. His gaze shifted after a moment and turned towards the oak tree on the far side of the hill, and a smile bloomed on his features. “That’s where it happened, isn’t it?”
“Hm?” Louis hummed and turned to look where Harry was. He released a burst of laughter and nodded quickly, “Yeah, sure is. Damn… that was a long time ago. I didn’t even remember.”
“Hopefully you’ve improved your kissing skills,” Harry said teasingly, causing more laughter to escape Louis.
He moved as Louis elbowed him and Harry had more memories coming back to him, remembering how this man used to make him feel as a child. There were lingering feelings and emotions that he never understood, but Harry does now. He was attracted to him.
“It’s none of your concern,” Louis mused, “But yes. They have much improved.”
“Good,” Harry smirked, falling into the grass once more, sighing as the warmth of the sun graced his skin. “I didn’t want to be here. I left at sixteen and haven’t been back since.”
“Why?” Louis asked, following Harry’s position and laying on his back with his eyes closed.
“Kids are dicks. Their parents are dicks. Some of them worse than that,” Harry whispered to the sky. “I moved to London, worked and settled. I lived with my boyfriend, but the club I’ve been bartending at closed and I got dumped in the same month. I couldn’t afford to stay.”
“I guess I’m lucky,” Louis murmured, “Though it sounds like you were braver than I was. I stayed quiet until I started at the university. I met my fiance but I always wanted to come back here. It was always a goal. He wanted the city.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Harry said quietly, “But I don’t see how you’d call me brave.”
“How old were you when you came out?” Louis asked, turning his head and though Harry could feel his gaze, didn’t acknowledge the look.
“Fourteen,” Harry said quietly, slowly opening his eyes to look at him.
“I couldn’t have. I was too scared of what people thought,” Louis whispered, “But you put yourself out there. Told people the truth. Even if they were dicks, it was brave of you.”
“Thanks for checking in on my mom,” Harry said quietly, meeting Louis’ gaze, “I have no doubt it means a lot to her.”
“Of course,” Louis nodded, “My mom passed a few years back, so honestly… I started doing it for selfish reasons. It felt nice to have a stand-in.”
“Shit,” Harry flinched, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay now, just took a bit. It happened just a short time before I moved, so your mom was something I needed at the time,” Louis explained, “And now, we have dinner every Sunday.”
“She never mentioned… not that I call her enough, as it is,” Harry sighed.
“Nah, she’s proud of you either way. She always speaks highly of you,” Louis smiled and Harry felt the brush of Louis’ hand against his. “She thinks you’re brave, too.”
“Fuck off,” Harry shook his head, feeling his cheeks warmth from something that wasn’t the sun. He stared ahead once more, considering what Louis spoke of.
“Well, what are your plans now?” Louis asked gently, and Harry glanced to the side to see the other man staring ahead as well.
“Not sure,” Harry shrugged his shoulders, feeling the same sense of defeat that lingered in his recent weeks. “I was thinking of finishing my schooling, at least for the certificate. Probably find a job, in the meantime.”
“Sounds like a good start,” Louis commented in a soft voice, “I can’t imagine how difficult it is to start over like this.”
“To be honest, I didn’t have any plans,” Harry murmured, “Didn’t even tell my mom this was the plan for sure. But I’m here now, so I’ll have to figure it out.”
“And you will,” Louis said confidently. Harry nodded in response, not quite sure if there was something else to say to it.
“I should go,” Harry said eventually, not able to muster a better response. Louis nodded his head, his gaze showing he understood Harry’s response.
Harry stood up slowly, watching as Louis did the same, staring at him intensely. He brushed some of the grass off his clothing and stared at the ground for a few moments before glancing back up at Louis. He wanted to ask questions, wondering if he’d see him again. But he knew it was a small town. They were bound to see each other.
“Your mom has my number,” Louis said suddenly, “It’d be good to catch up.”
“Okay,” Harry murmured, slowly backing up.
He gave Louis a small smile before starting the trek up the hill, but it took much longer than it had when he rolled down it. Smiling to himself when he felt Louis’ gaze on him, Harry purposely didn’t turn back, appreciating the allure from his childhood crush, pleased with the feelings.
Harry continued on until he was back to his childhood home, but this time his mother was home. She was standing on the stoop, waiting for his return. His bags had already been brought inside, making him realize that he was welcome here. He sought something to say to her, but before he could find the words, she was wrapping her arms around him and not letting go.
When he returned his mother’s embrace, Harry suddenly realized how much he’d needed this. While he was still wary of the people in the town, there was a beacon of light, a sense of hope that he’d not felt since his life began to fall into shambles. He’d lost his friends, his partner, his job, everything that held importance, causing the future to feel dim.
As he stood in her arms, Harry realized there was a grace to this moment, something holding him up and keeping him on his feet, preparing him for tomorrow. It was another day, another chance to start again. He breathed in deep, still holding onto her as he smiled against her shoulder. Yes, he could definitely start again.