Chapter Text
Angel,
Aziraphale.
Principality Aziraphale,
Heaven,The Firmament shite he’s not there is he
Somewhere on the banks of the Red Sea; look for some evidence of holy light or somesuch
how in hell does one begin an unsolicited note to the bloody former angel of the eastern gate who has suddenly taken a liking to turkish coffee
Esteemed ^Former^ Colleague, (satan, what wankery)Angel,
I hope that my messenger found you safely. That is, I’m sure you’re fine, as you seem to have a knack for avoiding trouble regardless of the outrageously rebellious behavior you get up to, but Caleb and his family have gone through quite a lot as it is, and to be smote on a messaging mission seems rude.
As you can see, Caleb is what Her second favorite child named a ‘rat’. I made their acquaintance on that blasted ark keeping company with the serpents, making sure Shem didn’t pitch any of them overboard ‘accidentally’, if you catch me. Apparently you make one harmless strike at a man’s ankles and suddenly anything even vaguely slithery is suspect forevermore. I err. May have taken to whispering that he should leave the serpents alone, but it only made the situation worse. Obviously, I was commended for the chaos, not that there wasn’t enough going on with Naamah’s bursitis. (Humans were obviously not designed to live for nigh millennia, honestly. That poor woman should have at least enjoyed a decade free from pain once she was free of her in-laws. Bad design all around.)
At any rate, rats. Right, yes. Caleb’s Da’ wandered a little too close to the serpent pen, but I managed to grab him first. Of course, they were all told No Snacking, but if an ox rib danced past you freshly spiced and roasted, I imagine no amount of ‘wait till we get home’ would stop you from taking just a little taste. Massive as that leaky tub was, several species of animals were consigned to the fossil record for wandering too far afield but
I couldn’t help admiring their little hands and clever little whiskersrats are excellent pests, and once they go back to befouling crops, it’ll be a job well done.Rats aside, I
shite why am i evenseem to have convinced a local baker that her pistachio tree is a gold mine of food (if a labor-intensive one) and that the dough she invented accidentally after a huge fight with her husband left her angrily folding the same square over and over again might make an excellent combination. Of course, she went ahead and doused the lot in honey and now it’s rather too sweet for my taste, butwell. I thought of youit’s the kind of frippery you might find entertaining. That is, assuming you’re still willing to sully your temple with human subsistence after the shawarma incident.I know, I know– I’ve been sworn to secrecy on that point upon pain of something or another, et cetera, but considering the complete lack of plausibility of
celestialimmortal beings communicating via messenger rodentia, I imagine this is as safe a channel as is to be found.
Begrudgingly Yours
Not At All Yours.
Regards,Happy temple sullying,
AC
The Principality Aziraphale, Angel of the Lord, Heaven’s envoy on Earth, to
his arch nemesis, the demon known as Crawly (Oh, he's not that anymore is he) the Original Tempter, Serpent of Eden (good Lord what a mouthful)Crawly, or Bildad the Shuhiteat least I hope he's still going by either of that. Did the real Bildad ever find out? Not that I'm curious.Traveling with the wandering caravan on the north bank of the river Euphrates, the tent that smells like burnt sulphur
My dear Crawly,
Foul fiend,
My most esteemed enemy,
My Dearest Beloathed,Crawly,
Your messenger found me, so to speak, although I did not appreciate being nipped in my ankle while I was trying to get comfortable for the night in a firelit camp. He gave me quite a fright!
and I involuntarily let off a most undignified yelp. My companions were quite disgruntled with me.He also took the liberty of helping himself to my part of my bread, which while I do not need sustenance to survive I had been looking forward to eating in the morning and therefore found it exceptionally rude.I have developed a taste for baked things. I find them most delightful fresh from the oven or right out of the embers of the fire. There's something satisfyingly earthy in biting into the crust.It seems like the messenger is just as ravenous
and cleveras the one who sent him. The poor dear was drenched to the bone from taking an involuntary swim to find me though, and very hungry, so he is forgiven. I sent him off with the remains of the bread.
Be sure to reward him for his troubles as he waited quite patiently in a dark trough so I could write my reply after everyone else had fallen asleep. My traveling companions are a little wary of all the parts that mark me as an outsider to them. Speaking their language fluently and writing in a script they haven't seen before and surely won't make any sense to them will suffice. I don't hold it against them. After what happened to their poor sister they are right to be suspicious of strangers, and keeping the aura of ‘be not afraid’ up is exhausting at the best of times
and it feels like an empty performance at this point. See what your little temptation made of me? An angel exhausted by his own holy grace.
They are goat herders and I can see why you saved the goats during that dreadful Job business. They are delightful, especially the kids.
And you always had a soft spot for the young, rambunctious and playful.It's quite amusing to watch them chase each other and play, and their soft little ‘baahs’ have been a comfort during the lonelier hours.
I see you have been busy spreading chaos and precipitating all kinds of temptations. I shall pay you a visit to
meet with you over food and drinksee for myself about the extent of sinful behaviour you've been inspiring. I will allow you to show me one of those sweet pistachio things you mentioned. They sounddelightfullike an excellent ploy to tempt people. Don't think I missed that you are part of a merchant's caravan now. The story of a fire-haired stranger that appeared overnight has traveled far.
Also, was it not a little overdone to stop that cough outbreak in the little village you came through?
I know you have a hard time watching children suffer
Be assured that I appreciate how many lives were saved
Honestly, I fear what your head office will do if they find out you're going around, doing good deedsI assume you had some fiendish ulterior motive for it and I shall insist that you tell me about the whole affair.
I agree that communicating this way is probably the safest we can be.
I'm sending Caleb back to you now. Do let me know your intended traveling route and I shall join you on one of your next stops. My mission here will take me another fortnight at most.
Aziraphale
PS: If you bring up the shawarma incident another time I shall remind you how you ended up naked in a puddle after that feast in Ummah. Consider yourself warned.