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Hero...He hasn't been the same ever since Mari's death a year ago. He stays rotting in his bed and barely eats anything unless I'm not in the same room as him.
I miss Mari a lot, she was like an older sister yet...Why?
Why did she have to leave us alone? What made her think committing suicide was the only way out-
No, no i shouldn't think like that. She must have been suffering and didn't want us to worry about her too much.
Mari and I, we're kind of similar that way, how we both hide our feelings behind a mask in order to makes others feel less bothered by our existence.
"Yo Kel! Watch out!"
"OOMF-"
Jay yelled out to me but the ball already hit my face harshly.
AH, right, we were in the middle of practice, I guess i was too deep in my thoughts to actually concentrate on the others.
"Dude, you feeling alright?"
I reached up to my nose as i felt a drop of blood fall down to my chin.
"Ugh, sorry guys, i might have to skip practice. I'm not feeling that great right now."
Although I had a bleeding nose, I still forced myself to smile through it all. At this point i might as well be convinced that it's some sort of muscle memory to smile through thick and thin, though no one actually cares about whether you smile or not.
"Well...Uhh..Aight, take care of yourself okay?"
"Mhm! You too!"
Before running off back home, I quietly glanced at Aubrey and her gang. Geez, she really did change a lot after this year...
Her new friends, they don't really seem that good for her...But it's not like i can do anything about it.
Her bleached blond hair and fashion sense too...Everything about her changed.
In fact, everyone around me changed...Why am I the only one trying to go back to those happy days before everything happened?
How come i'm the only one trying so hard to stay the same? Why did everyone change so much...? You know damn well why, Mari died. Your older sister-like friend commited suicide, yet your the only one not grieving. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
I smiled softly at Aubrey, yet she only glared at me back with an annoyed look on her face.
Well, i do kind of deserve it for being such a bad friend anyways. A horrible friend who doesnt deserve shit.
I quietly ran back home, even though I knew that it wouldn't mean a thing.
Hector was thankfully sleeping so i managed to open the door without making Sally cry or fuss.
The first thing I saw was my mom trying to watch television and watch over my little sister at the same time.
...She didn't even notice me open the door. It was like she was purposefully ignoring me.
You deserved it anyways, Hero is too busy grieving while you're acting like everything is fine like a psychopath.
But its fine, as long as I smile, laugh, and pretend everything is fine then maybe things could somewhat go back to how they were before Mari- Sunny's sisters suicide attempt. Wow, trying to forget and supress any memories of your dear older sister, huh? How shitty are you?
"I'm home, mom!"
"Mijo, go do your homework and once your done, go do the dishes. There's food in the fridge if you're hungr- Sally don't drool on my clothes!!"
"...Alright mother."
No matter how much i wanted her to even look at me for a split second, her eyes stayed glued to my younger sister with a slightly annoyed yet loving look in her eyes.
A look that she never gave me as soon as Hero became the golden child of the family.
A look she never gave me once Sally became the new little sibling to take care of.
A look she never gave you once Mari committed suicide and caused Hero to stay stuck in bed for months non-stop.
Drop...
Ah, right, my nose was still bleeding from earlier.
While pinching my nose to stop it from bleeding any further, i quietly climbed up the stairs and headed to the bathroom.
I leaned down to properly wash off all of the blood from my face...How did my own mother not notice my nose bleeding like this?
Thankfully, the nose bleed stopped a few seconds after I cleaned everything off, though the stinging pain still lingered.
I should probably go back to my room, I don't want to get accused of slacking off just because of my nose bleed. She didnt even notice your nose bleeding in the first place, you'll always be lazy no matter how hard you try.
As soon as I closed the bathroom door, i headed to my–no, mine and Hero's–bedroom with an anxious feeling in my chest.
Just thinking about that dead corpse that was my brother underneath the sheets made me feel uncomfortable, but i couldn't exactly do anything about it out of fear that it may make things worst for him.
"Sigh....Hero...I miss you a lot. I miss everyone so much.."
But...Maybe this time, I can try to get him out of his bed.
Maybe for once, i can do something good. I didn't have the energy to do my homework, but maybe i could finally try making my brother say something to me...Anything.
"It's been hard without you. Mom barely pays any attention to me, Dad is always working and Sally is too young to understand anything."
I glanced at him quietly before heading towards him to sit on the edge of his bed, careful not to touch him directly or get too close.
"Aubrey, Sunny, Basil...They're...They changed a lot. Aubrey is now acting like a gangster, hanging out with those hooligans. Sunny...Hasn't left the house ever since Mari died...And Basil, he's become more anxious than usually, he's avoiding everyone and i don't know why.."
No matter how much i wanted to cry, i held back my tears and managed to push back any sadness i felt in my body.
"Everything is so exhausting...Why did this have to happen? I'm tired of trying to bring everyone back together but...If I won't, then who will? I miss those times when we were kids."
For once, Hero turned around to face me, his blanket covering the lower part of his face so i could only see his red eyes filled with grief and emptiness.
That single action gave me some hope to keep talking. I ignored the scowl on his face as it was better than no reaction.
"I feel so alone...B-but you're suffering even more, right? I mean...She was your girlfriend and, although I often acted disgusted as a kid...I would rather see you two happy instead of seeing what looks like a living corpse in my room."
Those words made me want to almost tear up yet I held back as i always did. I couldn't face Hero any more so i looked away for a few seconds in order to calm myself down before looking back at his eyes.
"Hero...Please go back to being my loving older brother...Everyone misses you..."
I wasnt sure if my next words would work, but i decided to try it. Hero never even bothered to face me in the past so maybe now i have a chance.
"...Please come back...Mari wouldn't want to see you like this-"
"What the fuck do you know about Mari?"
At that moment, all i saw was rage and grief and i immediately stood up.
Hero pulled off the covers and stood up, reminding me that he was still taller than me even during his grief.
"Hero- you finally-"
"Kel. Shut up the fuck up. You are genuinely...so fucking annoying."
"...What?"
His eyes glared at me, and it didnt help that it was dark outside as it only made him look even more terrifying. The moonlight made his eyes shine softly yet the beautiful light couldn't hide his hatred anger towards me.
"You keep complaining about how everyone is leaving you, how you don't have any friends, how Aubrey somehow changed...But you never noticed how I never gave a single fuck about your stupid issues."
His voice was hoarse from not talking as often as he should've.
"Hero...I-i'm sorry but-"
"Sorry? You're sorry about what exactly? Fucking bothering me and yapping my ears off over some dumb issues you had between friends? You never grieved at all, haven't you?...I bet you never even cared about Mari, thats why you're always so damn happy and smiley all day."
His words shocked me to my core, why was he acting like i wasn't grieving? Like i never cared?
"I-i did care!! You don't know how bad-"
"Yet you keep complaining and complaining about everything except Mari. Hah....No wonder I never saw the signs beforehand."
His hands reached his head, almost like he was having a headache just talking to me. The look in his eyes didn’t even feel slightly comforting or kind.
I mean, of course it wasn't kind, he was angry at me and it's my fault, so i should try just making him feel better.
"I'm sorry...I.. I just...I wanted to see you get better...I didn't want to hurt anyone or bother them by showing how sad i am!"
"Yeah well maybe its because you kept fucking smiling and causing problems that i couldn't notice Mari wanting to fucking kill herself!! Your useless problems distracted me from seeing the pain she felt...You..."
Almost like he just had a realization, he spoke even louder, his anger was clear in his actions as he glared at me.
"You...You should have died instead! IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T SUCH AN ANNOYANCE, IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T SO FUCKING LOUD AND ANNOYING, MAYBE THEN SHE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE!! SHE COULD ATLEAST BRING THE GROUP BACK TOGETHER, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU CAN'T DO SHIT EXCEPT FUCK EVERYTHING UP!! YOU CAN'T EVEN BRING SUNNY OUT OF HIS HOUSE, YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE AUBREY STAY FRIENDS WITH YOU, YOU CAN'T GET BASIL TO EVEN TALK TO YOU...YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE ME, YOUR OLDER BROTHER, FEEL BETTER..."
No, he couldn't be saying the truth....right?
"IT'S YOUR FAULT SHE DIED. ITS YOUR DAMN FAULT THAT I COULDN'T SEE HER CLEARLY BE IN PAIN!! YOU ALWAYS FUCK SHIT UP AND EXPECT ME TO FIX YOUR DAMN MISTAKES, BUT GUESS WHAT? I'M NOT GOING TO BE FIXING SHIT FOR YOU. YOUR A TEENAGER NOW SO FUCKING ACT LIKE ONE."
I looked at his eyes, I didn't know how my face looked like but i could tell that Hero was crying as snot and tears fell down his face.
How did i even look right now? Was i crying? I know i'm not smiling yet I can't feel a thing except a stinging feeling on my right cheek.
Thats when i noticed that my older brother slapped me, harshly.
"...I...I never wanted to-"
"YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS KEL, YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST KILLED YOURSELF INSTEAD. INFACT, I WISH YOU WERE NEVER ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOUR EXISTENCE WAS NEVER FUCKING NEEDED IN ANYONES LIFE, I'M SURE NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE IF YOU JUST DISAPPEARED!!"
Ah, Hero was breathing heavily as he was breaking down crying, yet why can't I breath properly?
It felt so hard to even inhale, tears fell down my cheeks quietly, yet why didn't i make a noise?
My body felt so heavy, like there was a weight holding me down.
"YOU....hic....Your fucking pathetic Kel....Hah...I wish you werent even born...If you died instead of Mari, then I'm sure nothing would have changed. Your forgettable, Mari isnt forgettable in the slightest unlike you."
Thats when i realized it. I was having a panic attack, or maybe it was my snot and tears making it harder for me to breath.
I wanted to run away, I wanted to escape from this whole situation. The words i wanted to say couldn't leave my mouth, all I could do as stay there speechless as Hero kept saying mean things to me.
It was fine though, i was going to be fine. I am fine. I will be fine...I wish I was fine.
Somehow, i managed to block out his words, I zoned out the exact same way i zoned out during math class.
A few minutes, or hours, i don't remember exactly how much time passed, of yelling later, our parents finally heard and came rushing in.
For a second i thought they were going to focus on me, the one that was getting yelled at, the one who was crying harder than ever, the son that had finally cried infront of his own family ever since Mari died.
For a second, i thought i would be atleast considered as the first choice.
Yet that second was soon gone, replaced by the realization that even my own parents didnt care about me at all as they immediately ran to comfort Hero, who was heavily crying on the ground almost like he was panicking.
He...was panicking? When was he panicking like that? He was the one yelling at me since earlier, how come he's crying harder than i am.
The look in my parents eyes weren't comforting me, but rather glaring at me with hatred, or anger, i don't know. Their faces felt blurred in my vision and i don't know if its because of the tears or not.
"Kelsey, how dare you bother your brother?! We've told you multiple times to not bother Hero yet you still keep ignoring us, do you even listen to us when you speak?"
"Hero, don't cry, we know how hard your hurting, if only your brother wasnt making you feel even worst..."
My own mother was still yelling at me while my father was trying to comfort the golden child, yet neither of them loved me. Neither of them actually wanted to know my point of view.
...I had to run away. I felt uncomfortable, the feeling in my chest couldn't stop getting heavier and heavier each second.
My brain felt heavy, my vision felt so blurry and out-of-focus yet the only words i could hear repeatedly didn't stop.
Your forgettable, Mari isnt forgettable in the slightest unlike you.
That couldn't be true in the slightest, right? My own brother who raised me better than my own parents wouldnt think of me like that....Right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST KILLED YOURSELF INSTEAD. INFACT, I WISH YOU WERE NEVER ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
No, no that couldn't be true...I mean, I know i'm annoying but my own brother wouldnt actually mean any of that....R-right?
IT'S YOUR FAULT SHE DIED. ITS YOUR DAMN FAULT THAT I COULDN'T SEE HER CLEARLY BE IN PAIN!!
I-i was just a kid back then...I never wanted to bother him, a-and Mari was laughing just fine at my jokes, so why would i be the reason Mari died? Wait, aren't i just making excuses for my past actions?
Am I really the reason she died? Are my actions the true reason our group fell apart?
...Hero...
...Hero's right. He's right. If I died instead of Mari, then atleast Mari would make everyone happy again. I'm just forgettable, people do only know me as "Hero's brother" in this small town so dying wouldnt change much in people's lives.
Am I...Really that useless and forgetting? Am i just known as the happy guy thats Hero's brother?? Is that all i'm known as?
....I was to run away....Maybe if i run physically then i can also try escaping these thoughts, they can't be saying the truth...right?
Can't someone in this room tell me that Hero was wrong? Can't anyone tell me that i'll be remembered as Kel and not Hero's brother?
Before i even knew it, I slammed open the door, ran down the stairs, and left the house.
My parents yelling at me didn't do anything to change my mind, i couldn't even focus on the words they said at the end.
My chest was heavy, hurting, cold, empty all at once, I was glad it was night so there weren't a lot of kids outside.
Wait...When did it get dark so quickly? How long did Hero take to tell me the truth about my existence?
My legs instinctively ran towards the parc, I could barely breath in the middle of me hyperventilating while running.
I could barely hear Aubreys gang, sitting on their usual bench, noticing me and calling me those dumb insults.
Those insults were true, yet why did I only take them seriously now after Hero made me open my eyes?
I couldn't run anymore as my legs gave up on my, making me fall to knees as my breathing only got worst.
Aubrey, kim, and the rest of their gang stopped talking once they saw my actions and the way i was holding onto my chest a bit too tightly.
"Hey, guys...Kel doesn't really seem okay...Should we go help him?"
Kim cautiously asked as she looked at the other members.
My hands were shaking, the words Hero told me kept repeating in my head which didn't help me feel better in the slightest.
Aubrey slowly approached me, taking a closer look at me before realizing what was going on as she turned towards the rest of the group.
"Guys, I think he's having a panic attack!! He's acting kinda like Basic but somehow worst!!"
She was extremely worried, glancing at the Hooligans who also looked extremely worried.
"Aight so...uhm....Deep breaths, okay??"
She tried touching my shoulder, but i flinched, her touch weirdly felt like Hero's when he slapped me across the face, even though unlike his the delinquent girl wasnt even that violent.
Once i realized that I just avoided Aubrey's touch, i couldnt help but feel guilty.
"F-fuck- i-i'm sorry...hic...i-i'm so sorry Aubs i-i didnt mean to...."
"Dude chill, calm down- you didnt even flinch at purpose, it's not your fault-"
"Y-yes it is my fault..hic...I-i'm the reason why Mari died, even h-hero admitted it....I-if i never caused so much trouble before t-then maybe...hic...She could still be a-alive..."
Even though I said that as if it was the truth, i cried even harder and my chest felt even colder.
I couldn't tell what Aubrey's face look like, whether she was smirking like she was saying "I told you so", or looking at me with disgust as if I was stupid for only realizing it now.
"Kel....Did Hero actually tell you that- Wait, no, scratch that, you are clearly not okay-"
The blond haired girl looked a bit awkward as she didn't know how to comfort me at all.
"Uhm...Hero shouldnt have said that to you at all!! He's a piece of shit for saying that- wait no i probably shouldn't insult him like that...Uh...You don't deserve to hear those words at all, They're not true at all- is that something comforting to say or is it too much- uh-"
It's been like 5 minutes and the rest of the Hooligans were trying to make me feel better, though it was clear that barely any of them knew how to actually make me feel better.
Kim was the only one who actually made me feel a bit better in the beginning, the rest of the Hooligans were just trying to say jokes or do weird stuff like doing a hand stand for 5 seconds but using only their head, which failed miserably, or jumping on each others backs but The Mavericks wig flew off his head which made the entire scene a bit funnier.
A chuckle escaped my mouth as I saw his low quality wig on the ground.
"Pff-"
It was only now that I felt a bit better physically, it felt easier to breath and speak even though the tears were still on my face.
"So...Kel...You feeling a bit better now..?"
Aubrey quietly asked for reassurance.
"Mhm....T-thanks...I-i didn't think you guys could be so funny when trying to make me feel better.."
"MY WIG MAVERICK THE THIRD!!! Y-your sacrifice shall not be in vain!! I, The Maverick, shall avenge your death no matter how long it will take!!!!"
"I...really didn't expect his wig to actually fall off-"
"Hah...Me neither..."
Vance quietly gave me some tissues to get rid of the snot on my face.
"So, Kelsey, mind telling us why you were panicking so hard that it took you 5 minutes of embarrassing ourselves for you to calm down a bit?"
Aubrey dragged me to their bench so i could be more comfortable instead of sitting on the dirty ground.
"Uhm...Hero just said a few things to wake me up a bit, nothing too bad-"
"Bullshit. Earlier you said something about Hero telling you that your the reason why Ma- She's dead, when it literal isn't. So this time you better explain everything."
Before i even realized it, Aubrey had signaled the rest of the Hooligans to leave, most likely because she didn't want them to listen to a conversation that included someone they didn't know as personally as we did.
I was glad for that.
"Y-you sure I'm not bothering you or anything? I-i might yap a lot...And cry..."
"Shut up and tell me already, because even though we aren't exactly close...You are still kinda my friend, and i don't want you to suffer alone."
Those words wouldn't have sounded comforting in the past, but now I just feel so comfortable at the fact that someone, anyone, still cared about me.
"Alright...Well...You know how Hero wasn't going to school anymore? He was actually staying in his bed for months non-stop like an empty husk, crying about Mari's death quietly. He's been like this for a year now and i...I wanted him to come back to being the Hero we knew before, the one that actually stood up and cooked delicious food and spoke to others so..."
I glanced at Aubrey, almost thinking that she would ignore me like everyone else does whenever i'm talking about my personal feelings, yet she looked so attentive that it actually kind of made me nervous.
"Mhm? Keep going."
"Uh- okay, well, after school i wanted to try convincing Hero to stand up, kinda talking to him about everything going on, how you found new friends, how Basil avoids me like the plague, Sunny never leaving his house no matter how much I knocked...And I said that Mari wouldn't want him to be like this, an empty shell of his past self....He really didn't like that last part"
Geez, why was it so hard to simply open up? I felt so uncomfortable just at the thought of opening up my feelings to Aubrey but i kept going.
"He...He said some pretty bad stuff like how i'm forgettable and no one would remember me if i disappeared one day, or the fact that he was so distracted by me and my actions that he couldnt tell that Mari was hurting, and also how i'm so fucking stupid even though I'm going to be a teenager soon...And...And how Mari's death was my fault and if i died instead of Mari then maybe Mari could bring our friendgroup back together faster than i did, Mari could make everyone happier without my presence, Mari could....Make everyone forget about me and nothing would have changed.."
Once i spoke those words, I couldn't help but cry a little bit.
It was an simplification of what the golden older child actually said but that was the general basics of everything.
"Then our parents came in our room and...and not a single person in that room wanted to know what happened, my parents were both comforting Hero while i was left with disappointing glares and....I-i always knew my parents disliked me to some extent but....That look in their eyes made me genuinely think that i deserve to disapear, that no one would even notice if I was gone..."
That made me cry a bit more but i was already done now thankfully.
"And I might have...run away from home, technically speaking..and the rest is..hic...you know..."
I looked at the ground, not wanting to see how Aubrey looked, but that didn't last long as she immediately hugged me tightly.
"Kel you...You don't deserve that. None of those words are true at all!! Did you actually think you didn't matter enough to be remembered? I remember you dumbass!!"
"But...its true though...Everyone sees me as the happy-go-lucky guy, or just Hero's younger brother, or the dumb one..."
"God i hope you don't actually believe that, we're childhood friends, i'll remember you!! The Hooligans remembers you as Kel, even Gino's remember you!! If you suddenly disapear, i'm sure most of the town will know that something is missing!"
Her hug felt so warm, warmer than anything i ever felt after Mari's death.
"But....I still distracted-"
"Mari was laughing at everything you did, even the stupid pranks and bullshit you pulled, she was genuinely laughing back then!! You were a fucking kid back then, Kel, you didn't even know what depression was back then and was just having fun. Does having fun suddenly mean the same thing as distracting everyone from noticing that someone was depressed on purpose? No it fucking doesnt!! Nothing is your fault, it was never your fucking fault!! We were all kids back then!!"
"....But-"
"No buts!! Everything that piece of shit brother of yours said was completely false, he probably said that in anger and only said the meanest things he thought of in that moment instead of thinking rationality...Geez i knew everyone was grieving a little bit but taking your anger out on your own brother is kind of a shitty move. Wait also why didn't your parents say anything for you?"
I suddenly froze like a deer in headlights, I forgot that Aubrey, although she knew us from an outside perspective, she never actually learned anything about my family life.
"Uhm...Well...My parents kinda prefer Hero since he's the golden, mature child while i keep getting bad grades and kept on causing trouble for everyone...They even warned me not to talk to Hero even though he clearly needs help but i guess i even failed at being a s-supportive brother..."
My stomach felt like shit as i felt nauseous, the words Hero told me kept repeating in my head non-stop and i couldn't help but believe them a little bit.
"....I thought my mom was bad but damn your parents are shit, who the fuck ignores their other son just because he isn't perfect?"
"H-huh??"
That...Wasn't exactly the reaction i was expecting from Aubrey.
"What do you mean by "huhhh", you thought i was going to agree with your parents or something? You thought i was going to suddenly switch up and agree that your useless? Fuck no!!"
Her blue eyes, which used to be brown in the past, looked at me with anger. That anger didn't seem directed at me though thankfully.
For a moment, just for a small moment, i felt comfort knowing that Aubrey was atleast listening to me for once, I felt grateful that someone was actually hearing what i was saying and taking me seriously instead of ignoring me like everyone else did.
"...Thanks Aubrey, for listening to me..."
"Pff! No problem smelsey!! Just...Remember that my insults aren't meant to be taken too seriously, i wouldn't want another..situation..to happen. We may not be as close as we used to but...you know...I'm still here for you."
The look in her eyes softened slightly as she looked away from me, almost like she was embarrassed.
"Hah, don't worry!! I'll never do anything like that! And if you ever need to vent to me, you can always come talk to me!!"
I smiled a bit, the tears stopped falling so thankfully i could look at her clearer now.
It felt nice having someone actually listen to me, having a person to talk to that doesn't get annoyed by my ramblings.
For the first time in a long time, it felt like things could actually get better for once.