Chapter Text
Day 26
Being alone isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Truth is, I’ve been alone most of my life, even when I wasn’t. I used to spend hours in silence, just waiting for the next time he’d come home drunk, angry, or both. While Sophia was at school, he was either at work or wasting money at the strip club, and I was just… invisible, drifting lifelessly from room to room. I’d even drag Sophia out to the park for hours when he was home, just to avoid being in the same house as him. I never knew if I was going to get a slap, a shove, or another one of his sick little ways of hurting me, that made me feel like nothing. That was my normal.
So now, when it’s just me and the woods, or an empty house, it feels quiet. Peaceful, even. I don’t have to change myself for anyone. Walkers don’t scare me half as much as people do. And if I’m alone, I can’t mess anything up. I can’t lose anyone. I can’t hurt anyone either.
But being around people after the fall, at the quarry, the farm and then the prison, it always made me feel like I was standing under a spotlight. Like they could see everything I used to be. Every bruise, every broken finger, every cigarette burn. And most of all, every single failure. I try not to think about that version of me anymore, but she’s still in there, whispering that I’ll never be anything else.
I miss Daryl. God, I miss him so much.
I miss the way he’d fidget when he talked to me, like he wasn’t used to someone actually listening. I miss the way his hands would hover near mine, like he wanted to reach out but didn’t know if it was okay. I miss the way he really looked at me, like I wasn't broken.
I miss the quiet moments. Sitting by the fire and sharing whatever he'd managed to hunt and kill that day. I loved the way we didn’t need to say much. Sometimes, he’d just nod, like that was enough to let me know I wasn’t alone. He made me feel safe without even trying, like I could let my guard down for a second and not regret it.
Most of all, I miss the way he kissed and touched me, the closeness and intimacy of it. There was something careful about him, like he didn’t want to break me. He was gentle, tender even, but there was still that roughness underneath, like he didn’t quite know what to do with everything he was feeling. And he was so nervous. His hands would tremble just a little, like he wasn’t sure he deserved to be touching me at all.
The first time we had sex, he kissed every scar Ed left behind, every piece of me I used to hide. And when he looked at me, he said I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. I didn’t know how to believe it, but he said it like he meant it.
He made me feel things I didn’t think I was allowed to feel. Not after everything with Ed. Not after the life I came from.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me. If he misses me the way I miss him.
Carol let her pen scratch the last word to the page with a sigh. She was tired. Tired of being alone, but most of all, tired of missing him.
She tucked the pen into the faux leather pocket of the notebook and closed it, her hand rubbing over the cover.