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Sex and violence meshed in Logan's mind for 150 years and, at this point, he couldn't untangle them if he tried.
When he started to find Wade, his squadmate (and recently, housemate), sexually attractive, he initiated by gripping the front of Wade's shirt and slamming him against a wall. Logan mainly aimed to shut Wade up and snarled a suggestion for how to make his big mouth useful.
Wade went quietly, dropping to his knees and using his quick fingers to open Logan's fly. He pumped Logan's half-hard cock a few times, licked up the shaft, and then took it down his throat.
Wade's ice blue eyes burned with words unsaid. He didn't protest at Logan's hand around the back of his head, holding him still to face-fuck him; in fact, his eyes narrowed with humor and then closed completely to focus on his task.
Logan warned he was close, tightening his grip in Wade's short wavy hair. Wade looked up and winked at him and Logan came harder than he had in a long time.
Immediately after he swallowed Logan's cum Wade started babbling again, but Logan shocked him into silence by kissing his own taste out of his mouth. Logan kissed with too much teeth and squeezed Wade's hips too tight but no matter how rough Logan treated him, he couldn't protest. If he even wanted to, which he likely didn't from the shit-eating grin on his face when Logan pulled away.
The first time they fucked was quick and dirty because of their location, barely hidden from a camera focused on the hall between the third floor research labs and computer servers on base. The second time they fucked, Logan cornered Wade in his own bedroom in their house.
"'Sup, peanut?" Wade greeted from the bed, wearing pajama bottoms and nothing else after a long day at work, peering over the book in his hands.
"Didn't know you could read," Logan grunted. He interrupted Wade's offended squawk by kissing him, tossing the book over the edge of the bed where it landed on the floor with a smack and wrapping a hand around Wade's neck.
Wade remained obediently silent while Logan held him by the throat and took his cock out, jerking off to the sight of his flushed, nervous housemate gasping for breath, his eyes wide and filled with something that maybe looked like actual fear.
Logan said, "Touch yourself," and Wade immediately fumbled his pants down enough that his own dripping dick stood at attention. He stroked himself frantically, eyes rolling back in his head when Logan completely cut off his air and staring up at nothing, dazed and unfocused, when Logan allowed him to breathe.
The idea of choking Wade unconscious drove Logan over the edge--he groaned, shooting cum onto Wade's arm, Wade's cock, onto Wade's bed. He tightened his hand and Wade cried out, cum spurting almost up to his chin.
Wade stroked his empty dick a few more times and then trembled for several minutes and Logan rested his hand on his throat until he returned to earth. Before Wade said anything--showed gratitude, made a joke, asked why--Logan released him and left the room, shutting the door behind himself.
The next time they spoke neither mentioned what Logan did.
From there, Logan got used to taking Wade whenever he wanted and however he wanted, choking and bruising him into submission, and Wade never stopped him. He accepted whatever Logan gave him and silently stared with fathomless eyes, communicating without speaking, taking in information Logan probably wasn't aware he revealed.
Within a few months, Wade's bedroom became their bedroom and the second room turned into a small armory. They weren't at all affectionate, not kissing unless Logan initiated during sex, not hugging or touching without the express purpose of getting each other off, barely sharing space despite sleeping together.
Logan preferred no physical contact while they slept. He didn't know if Wade realized he kept breaking that rule until one night he noticed Wade hastily retreating to his side of the bed in the pitch darkness of the very early morning, panting and trembling until he finally passed out.
Nightmares turned into sleepwalking and Logan started to wake up claws out in the backyard. Better than the alternative: burying them in Wade's torso. It would suck to kill him no matter how little Logan cared about his wellbeing.
Wade would stand at the back door wrapped in a blanket, eyes wide with worry, and sometimes started to ask if Logan was okay. Whatever expression Logan wore shut him up.
They functioned as normally as the two of them could function while they worked. At home, Wade became less of himself, quiet because Logan shoved his dick in his mouth when he started to talk, keeping his hands to himself so they weren't pinned above his head while Logan rutted against his leg. Logan didn't do "feelings" and even he considered saying something after weeks passed with Wade shrinking into himself more every day.
And then, Wade took.
Logan barely made it inside the front door before Wade pounced, kissing Logan like a starving man at a feast, carding his fingers through Logan's hair and making sweet noises between their lips. This certainly wasn't a bad thing--Logan grabbed underneath Wade's thighs and hiked him up into his arms, intent on carrying him to the bedroom and fucking the life out of him.
He almost grabbed a gag along with the lube but Wade started to say something from the bed and he turned.
"Can I... can I be loud this time?" Wade asked, and Logan absolutely recognized the look in his eyes; he couldn't mistake it for anything else, he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. Wade, who didn't fear much, feared Logan.
But now they'd gone too deep. Logan didn't know how to bail out of what they'd become and didn't want the consequences if he did. Instead of asking Wade what was wrong, instead of comforting him, Logan grunted his assent and dropped the gag into their toybox, kicking it into its spot at the bottom of the closet and stalking over to cage Wade underneath him.
Wade didn't just receive Logan's kisses tonight, he responded. He moaned low in his throat and ground their cocks together through their pants, drawing Logan's tongue into his mouth and sucking it.
They lost their clothes somewhere between making out and Wade pushing Logan onto his back for the first time and Logan felt a spark of alarm, wondering if Wade meant to suddenly top him, but Wade didn't make any moves in that direction. Instead he straddled Logan's groin, staring down at him with burning eyes, his short hair mussed and wild.
"Fuck, I've been missing your dick all day, baby," Wade said suddenly, startling Logan so bad he tensed. "I almost fingerfucked myself right before you came in, but I'm glad I waited. I want you to watch me. Put your hands on me, Logan."
Logan did as Wade asked, nervously at first, settling them on top of Wade's thighs. Wade popped the lube open and coated three of his fingers, leaning onto one hand to arch his back and spread his legs.
"I know you hate it when I talk, and I'm trying not to, I just--" Wade gasped, entering himself with his fingers, and Logan's hands slid up to his hips, "--I need to tell you how good it feels, I need--fuck, Logan, I'd do anything for you but I feel like you don't see me! I'm just some cum dump you can fuck on the regular no questions asked and-and I'll take it if that's what you want to give, but--"
Wade shuddered, fucking himself in earnest, rocking back onto his hand. Logan only stared at him, watching his mouth fall open, his bicep flexing every time he shoved his fingers in.
"I wish we were different sometimes." Wade's voice cracked and for the first time he broke eye contact, dipping his head, breath hitching. "I wish you loved me. Can I pretend? Just for today, just one time, I want to have sex with someone who loves me."
"Wade, I--" Logan started, unsure of what would come out of his own mouth next, but then Wade grasped his cock in his lube-wet hand and slicked it with a few strokes. He shifted forward and slowly sank down, taking Logan inside.
Logan hissed through his teeth, watching his cock slide into Wade, the heat and tightness so painful he felt on the edge of orgasm already, but then Wade bottomed out and sobbed.
Wade was already wrecked. He flushed red all the way to his stomach, twin tear tracks running down his cheeks and dripping onto Logan's chest, his eyes focused far above Logan's head. He looked so sad, and so young.
"Please don't say anything, Logan, I--please let me have this," Wade begged him. His entire body shook but he didn't move otherwise, hands on top of Logan's, tears flowing faster. "I swear I'll never do it again but please, I need this."
'I'm sorry,' Logan might have said, or 'Yes, Wade, have it.' He kept his mouth closed and nodded and Wade sobbed again, crying harder than Logan had ever seen, and Logan saw him get shot.
For a moment Wade moved hesitantly, as if he didn't know how, but before long he started to rock his hips up to thrust Logan's cock in and out a few inches. All the while he moaned, he thanked Logan, he cursed, he cried out as he fucked himself at the right angle. Logan hadn't ever heard him enjoy himself this way and, despite not contributing to his pleasure besides acting as a living dildo, the feedback from Wade made his cock throb and his heart pound.
"Fuck, baby, so deep," Wade whimpered, rising up on his knees and lifting himself higher before he dropped himself down again. "Like that, fuck me like that, oh god--" His dick bobbed in front of him, hard and leaking, but he didn't move to touch it, instead keeping Logan's hands on his hips and using them for leverage.
Logan said, "Good boy, Wade," and Wade's eyes closed tightly--Logan almost thought he'd done something wrong until Wade dropped onto his forearms and used the new angle to fuck himself harder.
"I-I'm good," Wade said, voice trembling, "holy fuck, I'm a good boy, I'm so good--"
"You're my good boy," Logan added and Wade whined his name.
Any guy in Logan's place would have cum already, with Wade fucking himself on their cock and begging for it, but Logan couldn't. He'd fixated on the fact that Wade hadn't reopened his eyes. He hadn't so much as glanced at Logan the whole time they fucked tonight, and Logan thought again about what Wade must have read on his face up until this point.
Logan pretended to compartmentalize sex from feelings. He treated Wade like a toy on purpose, he manipulated Wade into a sexual object to fuck and then ignore. He jacked off to the idea of Wade like idly browsing a nudie mag, but held him at arm's length otherwise.
They were soldiers, mercenaries, and Wade would die by Logan's side one day. If Logan allowed himself to love Wade, losing him would hurt that much worse, so he didn't show Wade any affection at all--the coward's solution. Logan knew he was a coward, but he did it anyway.
Logan thought Wade's enthusiastic participation in their sex games would be enough. He watched Wade get off to being choked and slapped and bitten, Wade liked his violence, but like any normal person Wade probably also associated sex with love. And maybe the fear in Wade's eyes had nothing to do with physical pain.
That revelation made Logan's heart skip a beat. "Stop for a second, Wade," he whispered.
Wade shook his head, silent tears turning into more heart-wrenching sobs, fucking himself back on Logan's cock. "You said I could, you said--"
"I know what I said, honey. I just... I don't want to hurt you." Logan was by far the stronger of the two of them, so he held Wade's hips still and turned them over as quick as he dared without crushing Wade into the bed.
"Please!" Wade begged, shoving the heels of his hands into his face, and Logan shushed him.
"Wade, look at me." Logan settled between Wade's legs, cock still halfway inside him, exploiting Wade's flexibility to hike his hips up and lean over him face-to-face. "Can you look at me, please? I'm gonna be good to you--you have no reason to trust me but I'm not gonna hurt you."
Wade sniffled and moved one hand to study Logan suspiciously, pressing his knuckles against his lips. His crystal blue eye shone with tears that ran to the side of his face and into his hair. He looked afraid again, his breathing rapid, pupil huge.
Logan lifted the hand over his mouth and kissed it, and then his lips, easing his cock deep into Wade and swallowing his moan.
When Logan pushed himself up, Wade stared somewhere over his shoulder
"Look at me, Wade," Logan repeated. Wade took a deep breath and shifted his gaze to Logan's eyes again. "I didn't think about how bad I treated you before, and... and I'm sorry."
"N-no, Logan, it's okay--"
"It's not okay. I'm not pretending and I don't want you to pretend either."
Wade didn't answer so Logan pulled out just enough to thrust hard inside, watching Wade's mouth close around whatever sound tried to escape.
"Wade," Logan said with a humorless laugh. "Please moan for me? I want to hear you." Wade shook his head. Everything Wade tried to hide started with Logan, he made Wade to be this, and now he couldn't seem to break him out of it again.
After a few more slow thrusts, Logan wrapped both hands around Wade's narrow waist and kissed the long, pale column of his throat, pulling Wade down onto his cock until his breath hitched and the beginnings of a moan rose in his chest.
Logan took a deep breath of Wade's skin, warmth and sweat and his distinctive scent that permeated their whole house. "When we fuck, I like how you look into my eyes," Logan said into that close space, rocking them together, rumbling approvingly as Wade's arms circled his shoulders and held him tightly. "I know what you're thinking, I know how you're feeling when you look at me. And I thought that was enough."
Wade whimpered, trembling like a leaf in Logan's hold, his grip on his absolute silence starting to break.
"But you told me that it's not enough. You deserve more from me, and I'm sorry I didn't give you what you need. I'm... I thought I was protecting you, but I'm hurting you."
"N-no, I'm not hurt," Wade denied quickly.
Logan pulled away far enough to look down into Wade's eyes--he heard the lie in his voice, but as always, his eyes revealed the truth anyway.
"I want to hear you from now on, Wade. I want to make you scream for me and I want to hear you run your mouth." Logan didn't change his pace but he thrust deeper, harder, forcing little gasps out of Wade every time he moved. "Will you be a good boy for me and do what I tell you?"
Suspicion clouded Wade's expression, furrowing his brow and pouting his lips. "You hate when I'm loud," he accused.
"I thought I did, but I don't. I promise I don't." Wade didn't seem convinced, so Logan stole another kiss from him and then kissed under his ear where Wade was ticklish. Predictably he squawked and kicked out, and another few kisses made him actually laugh, squirming to get away.
"Stop, Logan," he whined.
"Tell me how big my dick is, good boy."
Wade blushed scarlet and started to look away, but Logan held his chin in one hand and forced him to face forward. He didn't need another prompt to start speaking.
"Y-your dick is huge inside me, I--you fuck me so deep, Logan, I like it slow and deep--"
"And tell me how it feels?"
"Feels good, b-baby, oh Christ keep doing that, right there--"
"Good boy," Logan purred. Wade's cock jumped between their stomachs and Logan reached down to take it and stroke Wade to the same rhythm as his thrusts. "Very good boy."
Wade arched like he wanted to escape and get closer at the same time, scratching his blunt nails up Logan's back, almost wailing with pleasure. "Baby, baby I'm gonna cum," he started to ramble, "make me cum on your dick--oh, oh! Fuck, please, don't stop, don't--"
The sound Wade made when he came burned a brand in Logan's mind. He moaned high and sweet, some amalgamation of Logan's name and a prayer, his eyes closed again but his absolute pleasure obvious in every other part of his body.
As always, he continued to clench with aftershocks and Logan didn't stop stroking his cock, and he started babbling, "Cum inside me Logan, please, I need--yes god, yes baby, yes!"
Logan groaned and fucked his cum deep inside Wade, letting go of Wade's cock to hold him close, burying his face in the juncture between Wade's neck and shoulder. Logan slowly caught his breath and settled further on top of Wade, not resting all of his weight on him but making his continued presence seem more intentional.
"Good boy, Wade, you did everything right," Logan said against Wade's neck, kissing him there--and pausing when Wade stiffened.
"Okay," Wade muttered. "Okay, I can... thanks, Logan. I... I don't know. Thank you." He wriggled a little. "I can go clean up now."
God-fucking-dammit had Logan fucked up. Again, he moved only enough to see Wade's face and lifted his clean hand to brush Wade's short, wavy hair out of his face, disappointed but unsurprised that he kept his eyes closed.
"Can you stay with me for a few more minutes?"
"You were never a cuddler, Logie."
"I've been known to cuddle," Logan said. Wade's eyes snapped open and he studied Logan intensely, disbelieving. "You're not an easy lay, Wade. I could get that anywhere."
"Braggadocios," Wade said. A smile had started to spread across his face and Logan both wanted to bite it and leave it alone to let it grow. Those smiles were all too rare lately.
Logan stroked his thumb over Wade's brow. "You're my partner. You make me a better person; Wade, I'd marry you if this shit country let us." Wade stared, mouth agape, and Logan grinned. "When we come back to this house I feel at home. You painted and put all your shit everywhere--"
"Decorated--"
"--and now it's ours. A place for us to be safe. And I made you... I made you be someone you're not, in our home, where you're supposed to be yourself. I need to get my shit together and you haven't done anything wrong. I'm so sorry, Wade."
Wade slid a hand into the hair at the nape of Logan's neck and motioned him down; Logan followed easily, letting Wade kiss him, half-hard from Wade's grinding on his cock that still plugged him up. Wade tasted every part of his mouth and made adorable little sounds and Logan mentally kicked himself for missing out on this Wade for so long because of his own stupidity.
"Can we fuck again and then order pizza?" Wade asked sweetly, resting their foreheads together and looking at Logan from so close his eyes crossed. "I didn't go grocery shopping like I said I would because someone found a dog on base and I got distracted, and then I was trying to figure out how to make you let me keep a dog at home, but it ended up not mattering because the dog's owner was actually also on base and she kinda got chewed out because of the loose dog--"
Instead of plying Wade with sex to silence him, Logan let him talk and just shifted his focus. Too soon to be sure, but he imagined he could listen to Wade babbling about how good Logan fucked him for hours.
Wade didn't say a word about the non-proposal while he sat in Logan's lap on the couch after dinner. Logan held him close and rubbed his back, and thought hard about where he could buy a ring.