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the sound of a door kicked shut was what tore tsukasa from his uneasy alliance with sleep. dull, gray clouds filtered the sunlight that streamed in through the blinds. they didn't close all the way. the hum of the ceiling fan hurt his ears. tsukasa squinted.
to be fair, he hadn't slept the night before.
he hadn't any need to leave the house.
he hadn't seen rui all day.
rui didn’t tell him when he went out anymore, or where he went, or when he came back. he was just gone sometimes, or here other times. gone more often than not. which was fine; it was probably for the better. tsukasa hoped he found peace away from him.
today was bad anyway. when he wasn't asleep, his thoughts were all out of order. he would lose a handle on his words, if he ever talked. it was the kind of day where tsukasa gave up. rui shouldn't be around him like this, for his own sake.
a selfish desire, but tsukasa missed him. he also dreaded his return.
his worst fears come true, the bedroom door opened. tsukasa looked up. he wasn't under blankets, just lying on top of the sheets with his arm under his pillow like a hug. still in his pajamas. it wasn't cold. rui hesitated. “did i wake you..?” he tried, voice like glass where it barely reached tsukasa.
he sat up. willed himself not to cry, or worse, get angry. stood. nodded at rui and walked past him through the door frame, making his way to the more open section of their house. the bedroom was getting stuffy.
“i went to the store,” rui followed him, trying his god damn best to feign normalcy. “bought some stuff.” tsukasa didn’t see any bags anywhere. he nodded again anyways, like he didn’t see through it all. he wished he didn’t. he rubbed his eyes and dragged his hands down his face.
“you’re home early,” tsukasa commented, wandering purposelessly to the kitchen. ‘early’ being before the sun set.
rui wandered a few steps behind. “thought we could spend some time together.” behind the conversational words was emptiness, and underneath that was desperation. something they both felt unequivocally.
tsukasa tried for a smile. it hurt his face. he didn't know if he did a good job, since he turned away from rui before he saw the reaction. he reached for a bottle. rui sighed behind him. he ignored him in favor of taking out two glasses, pouring two considerably large drinks, and handing one to his partner. he took it with an air of reluctance. tsukasa didn't really care if he drank it. he just wanted to feel like they were doing something together.
“have you eaten?” rui asked, a hint of worry warming the vacant tone of his question.
ironic. tsukasa couldn't stop himself from snorting into his drink. “i asked you that a lot in highschool,” he nearly laughed. the words weren't funny. rui chuckled through his nose and sipped from his glass. the tension momentarily lifted.
a restless silence filled the air. tsukasa moved to lean against the kitchen counter, rui moved to lean next to him. warmth seemed to radiate from the taller man's body. as much as he tried not to, tsukasa bristled from it, and he knew rui noticed. he didn't give tsukasa space, instead staring at the blond like a challenge.
uncomfortable flooded through tsukasa’s veins like a poison. a decade ago, he had loved being looked at, being the center of attention. especially from his favorite set golden eyes. now, though, the heat of the spotlight burned. his skin cracked and blistered underneath it.
he tore his gaze away and upended his glass down his throat. in an instant, that reliable warmth trickled down his ears and neck and back and made him begin to sweat. his body loosened, his mind stuttered and stumbled and slowed. wine dripped from the corners of his mouth. it wasn't enough. he looked back at rui, who was watching him, still daintily sipping his own drink. there was shameful amusement in his eyes. a hopeless sadist watching a car crash.
they were both sick. proximity made the sickness so much worse. tsukasa lost the ability to give a shit quite a while ago. he grabbed the front of rui's shirt and yanked. their mouths smashed together as the drink slipped from rui's hand. cheap wine and glass sprayed tsukasa's bare ankles and rui’s jeans. a familiar coldness stung the skin of his legs. as usual, the bleeding went ignored by them both.
rui was frozen against tsukasa's mouth, in a rare moment where he was caught off guard by the blond. tsukasa kept pushing, desperately moving his lips and head and hands, urging rui to do something. like melting ice, rui slowly relaxed and pulled tsukasa closer, trapping himself between the counter and tsukasa's body. tsukasa could sob. he bit rui’s lip instead. rui’s hands trailed up tsukasa’s back mechanically. tsukasa shoved him right up against the counter. a part of him hoped it hurt.
it was messy, uncoordinated. a dance they had learned from muscle memory, and they kept stumbling over their own feet. tsukasa could taste iron beneath the alcohol. his mind blanked when rui grabbed his hair and wrenched him away from his mouth, though he allowed tsukasa to bury his face against his neck.
“what was that for?” rui asked, despaired, voice cracking and rumbling against tsukasa’s mouth where he began to kiss his skin. “you can’t be drunk already, can you?”
dizzy, tsukasa responded with a drag of his teeth against rui’s pulse. he swallowed his angry words, knowing too well that they would ruin the moment. he wasn’t drunk, not drunk enough, and a large part of him regretted not getting another drink. unfortunately for the both of them, tsukasa needed a different kind of escapism.
he traced a hand down until it reached between rui’s legs. unsurprisingly, he was already half-hard. maybe from getting bit, maybe from being trapped, maybe from watching his partner fumble to exist. tsukasa didn’t care. he cupped him, palming rui through his jeans.
rui jolted backwards, hissing uncomfortably when the counter dug into his back. “tsukasa–wait,” he whined, gripping tsukasa shoulders and noticeably not trying to get away.
tsukasa finally looked up. his eyes burned. “rui, please, i need y- i need this, i need it bad,” he begged. rui stared back with contrastingly clear eyes and a pinched expression, before he let out a shaky sigh and lolled his head back when tsukasa squeezed him gently. easy as ever.
he wasn’t even in the mood, but he’d get there. he just craved the closeness, the intimacy they used to share so easily, back before chemical imbalances in their brains sabotaged everything they had. his hands went to rui’s zipper, and that's when the taller man finally stopped him, grabbing tsukasa's wrists with one hand and pissing him off.
“we should… move. to the room,” rui whispered. tsukasa sighed and relented, moving away from rui so they could walk. both of them stared at the mess on the floor. carefully, they stepped over it at the same time. tsukasa almost fell, and rui reached out a hand to catch him. they could clean it later. maybe they actually would.
in the bedroom, tsukasa tripped over his feet, blowing past rui to grab the lube from their drawer. “i can prepare myself, you just… grab a condom or something,” tsukasa mumbled, stripping himself of his pajama bottoms. rui stopped in his tracks.
“no..?” he stared at tsukasa. “that’s not how we do this, tsukasa, i-” he swallowed. “let me?” not even a please. like he thought tsukasa was too stupid to finger himself.
tsukasa bit back a grimace; rationally, he knew rui didn’t mean it like that. it didn't ease the pit of anger and betrayal in his gut, but he shoved his boxers off and stumbled into bed. rui followed, as usual, grabbing the lube from his loosely curled fist and sitting next to his calves, fully clothed.
spreading his legs had never felt so embarrassing. rui stared at him until he did so. “you’re the one who wanted to do this,” he murmured, almost under his breath, like he didn’t want the words to reach tsukasa. they did.
he gritted his teeth. “take your shirt off.”
“you kept yours on,” rui raised an eyebrow at him, talking down at him, like he was being unreasonable.
tsukasa raised the base of his palms to rub furiously at his eyes, combating the frustration, taking it out on himself. “your jeans, then,” he countered. “it’s only fair.”
“in a minute, be patient,” rui said, his voice distant. tsukasa looked over at him to see him staring at the blond’s ankles. he had forgotten about that. the cuts were still bleeding, though at such a slow pace that tsukasa wasn’t worried when the blood smeared into the sheets. they were black, they wouldn’t stain. rui lifted his head to catch tsukasa's eye. “just checking there wasn’t glass in your skin,” he explained, sliding a hand up tsukasa’s leg. tsukasa shivered, the first pleasant sensation he had felt that day. rui smiled helplessly as his fingers paused on scars that rose from tsukasa's skin. if he noticed the scabs on the side of his hip, he said nothing.
finally, rui settled between tsukasa's thighs. he looked down and froze. like he wasn't expecting tsukasa to be wet. it wasn't like tsukasa was immune to making out against the kitchen counter. he looked back up, alarm creeping into his expression. “did you stop taking your meds?”
oh yeah. shit.
rui took tsukasa's silence as an answer. hesitating, he lightly placed two fingers between tsukasa's legs, and tsukasa jolted up and hissed. “how long has it been, sweetheart, why-?”
“i don't know, i forgot, can we please talk about this later,” tsukasa spat. he gripped the blanket underneath him, biting his lip.
“you forgot??? oh my god, tsukasa,” rui gasped, panic flooding through his eyes. he ran his hands through his own hair hysterically. “i should've noticed, oh my god, i’m so sorry, i should've done something.” tsukasa choked on his spit, watching his partner spiral. what could he even say in defense? “why didn’t you tell me, i just thought you were having a bad month, or–months, i guess, but-”
“rui, shut the fuck up!” tsukasa screamed. rui froze. the blond heaved for breath, trying desperately not to cry. “it's not a big deal, i’m not gonna kill myself, can we please just fuck now and talk later?”
a sob escaped rui’s mouth, before he pinched his lips together. silence flooded the space between them. the sun still hid behind clouds. maybe it would rain.
tsukasa did all that he knew how to do. he reached his hand out to intertwine his fingers with rui’s. rui hung his head with a miserable chuckle.
he leaned over tsukasa to slot his face next to the blond's. “we will be talking about this later, tsukasa, i’m not going to pretend that nothing’s wrong,” rui whispered into his ear, not harsh but not kind. it was ironic, considering pretending was exactly what they both defaulted to anyway. an ex-actor and ex-director. tsukasa flinched, not from the words, but from the kiss on his cheek that rui left him with.
tsukasa closed his eyes for a moment, trying to unscramble his stupid mind. when he opened them again, rui was closing the cap on the lube, warming it between his fingers. tsukasa could cry with relief.
a switch was flipped when rui wordlessly slid a finger into tsukasa. the shorter man stifled a gasp, his body tensing. rui ran his free hand over the shirt on tsukasa's abdomen, settling on his waist.
“relax,” rui murmured, beginning to gently thrust that finger into tsukasa. he wasn’t stretching him, not efficiently, at least. just moving to move. tsukasa began to think he was wasting time.
it felt so foreign when rui curled his finger. a noise was punched out of tsukasa regardless, and rui finally cracked a small, genuine smile as he added a second. rui's thumb teased his cock, and tsukasa bucked his hips up, choking. his apprehension began to fade, familiarity melted into their actions. tsukasa wanted to kiss rui, to express things he didn't have the words for, but he was afraid of breaking the fragile bubble they were beginning to form around them.
the fingers inside him began to scissor gently. it was nice. rui never let the stretch sting, though tsukasa kind of wished he would. his legs spread further and he tilted his head back.
“there he is,” rui sighed fondly. tsukasa moaned when he added a third, pointedly not unpacking rui’s words, he didn't care anymore. he scrambled to grab the hand on his waist, holding it desperately. it felt like rui was petting him from the inside. the thumb on his dick turned relentless, and if tsukasa didn’t know any better, he’d think rui was trying to make him cum.
it got a little ridiculous when rui tried to slip in a fourth finger. tsukasa groaned, annoyed. “rui- fuck- you’re going a little bit overboard,” he panted.
“i just want to make sure you’re prepared properly, it’s been a while,” he whispered, his hand never stopping inside tsukasa. if anything, he began to pick up speed.
tsukasa sucked in a breath, pressing the back of his head harshly into the pillows when his back arched. his voice was unsteady as he continued to argue. “jesus, rui, i’m not a virgin and you’re not that big.” he wished the tone of his own voice varied more genuine annoyance, but he would’ve been such an obvious liar if he said he wasn't enjoying the treatment at least a little.
snorting softly, rui laced the fingers of his free hand with tsukasa’s. the fingers inside tsukasa curled on every push in, maddening. “‘not that big?’ so you’re still saying that i’m big? you little flatterer.”
and tsukasa laughed. small, but real, and he felt rui tense above him. his partner also melted into small little giggles, and for a moment, they were back in highschool, when love felt less like self-sabotage. rui leaned down to kiss his neck.
“rui-” tsukasa gasped, squeezing his hand. the other man responded by thrusting his fingers in deeper, harder, and tsukasa didn't get a chance to warn him before he was cumming on rui’s fingers. he shook and trembled and winced, and rui stilled his hand for tsukasa to ride it out. it was… slightly underwhelming, but most of his self-made orgasms had been as such lately, even when he stopped taking his meds. tsukasa didn’t know why he expected anything different. he panted and jolted when rui pulled his fingers out slowly. his legs burned from how hard he was tensing them.
“that was kind of fast,” rui mused, wiping his hand on his pants as he stood from the bed. tsukasa jerked and sat up, about to beg rui to stay, to not leave him again, before he saw that his partner had only gotten up to grab a condom.
fumbling to cover up the moment of clinginess that he doubted rui saw, tsukasa glared at him. “like you’ll last longer.”
rui giggled and shook his head as he returned, unzipping his jeans and letting them fall to his feet. his briefs followed. after a split second of deliberation, he yanked his t-shirt over his head as well, exposing himself fully to tsukasa. tsukasa’s heart panged. he remained in his own shirt.
his partner didn’t seem to notice. tsukasa sighed bitterly, stomach turning. he never did notice much, or if he did, he would never vocalize it. sometimes, he just wanted rui to say something.
that was unfair. it wasn't as if tsukasa said anything either. they just lived through the unspoken.
rui was back between his legs, now with a condom rolled down his length. tsukasa looked down, settling back to give rui better access. he felt distant from his own body when rui nudged his tip against his hole. opting to stare at where they were connected, rather than whatever look rui had on his face, tsukasa wasn’t caught off guard when rui slowly pushed in. he gasped sharply anyways, biting his lip to stop himself from tensing up.
gently thrusting to acclimate tsukasa to the stretch, rui made a small noise in the back of his throat. tsukasa jerked his hips up impatiently, he didn't care if it burned. rui seemed to be losing the faux kindness when he tried to push tsukasa back down. the thing was, tsukasa had always been stronger than him.
he wrapped his arms around rui and tipped their center of balance. rui gasped when their positions were flipped over, his head hitting the pillows unceremoniously. tsukasa let himself fall the rest of the way down on rui, and they both groaned softly.
“doesn’t even hurt,” tsukasa laughed, albeit a little delirious. “you’re too dramatic about these things.”
“move,” rui groaned back, settling his hands lightly on tsukasa’s hips but making no effort to move tsukasa himself. tsukasa doubted he could.
the blond hummed, propping himself up with his hands on rui’s chest. he ground his hips down in little circles, moaning softly, stubbornly refusing to raise himself. “i thought you wanted to take your time,” he breathed out. rui sighed loudly through his nose, like he wanted to say something but bit it back. tsukasa took that as his cue to stop being a brat.
he started trying to build a rhythm of languid bounces, but it was difficult. tsukasa was dizzy and numb, and being tipsy affected his sense of direction the tiniest bit. he felt full, which was pleasurable enough, he supposed.
underneath him, rui looked like he was trying not to writhe on the bed. he had his knuckle between his teeth, which didn’t stop the little whimpers from escaping his mouth. he was sensitive. it brought the tiniest smile to tsukasa’s lips, seeing his partner enjoying himself.
tsukasa was never able to get off on penetration alone, but he wasn’t really trying to reach orgasm. he was trying to get rui to. he was trying to feel loved, and when rui fumbled to hold his hand, it was starting to work a little.
rui removed his knuckle from his mouth, panting heavily as tsukasa got comfortable moving faster, properly thrusting against rui. focused, tsukasa jolted and gasped, his rhythm stuttering when he felt a touch on his cock.
looking down, tsukasa was startled to see rui’s middle and ring finger rubbing divinely against his dick, keeping up with the way tsukasa was still moving up and down. they both moaned, loud, when tsukasa clenched down on rui.
“i’m not going to last long,” rui confessed with another moan, tossing his head back.
unexpectedly to both of them, tsukasa muttered back, “i won't either.”
he bent down to kiss rui. rui thrusted his hips up the moment their lips met, and tsukasa came first, moaning messily into rui’s mouth. his partner followed close after, and they trembled together as they rode out every near-painful jolt of aftershocks. tsukasa couldn't breathe, so he sat back up to calm his pounding heart. their bodies were warm, hot, scorching, and the heat was grounding.
panting, tsukasa stayed seated on rui for a long, dopamine induced moment. the tension in his body melted, replaced with bone-deep exhaustion. with a nearly limp arm, rui reached up and cupped tsukasa’s face. the blond leaned into it. he wanted to cry, for some reason.
tsukasa ignored the painful strain in his once flexible thighs to lay down on rui’s chest. his softened length was still inside him, and rui hissed under his breath when the movement jostled them together. tsukasa felt the warmth of a palm on his clothed back, and he sighed against rui’s chest.
“tsukasa,” rui murmured softly, rubbing his back almost tentatively. tsukasa made no attempt to move or look up or even make a noise of acknowledgement, too busy absorbing his partner’s body heat. “my star?” rui tried again.
all the muscles in tsukasa’s body tensed at those two words. he probably squeezed around rui, judging from the punched out sound the other man made.
“i can’t tell if you liked that or not,” rui laughed breathlessly.
“mm,” tsukasa hummed, vague. he couldn’t tell either.
time froze around them, and neither of them tried to melt it, at least for a little while. the discomfort of their position was secondary to the closeness. rui’s arms tightened. he was shaking. he was crying. tsukasa didn’t know what to do besides run his fingers through his hair and hold him closer, something possessive coursing through his veins. rui’s tears were his.
“i miss you,” rui whispered, voice thick with something like regret. or mourning.
for the first time in a long, long time, tsukasa cried as well.
—
cleanup was weird. not necessarily awkward, just.. quiet? neither of them spoke a word when rui finally pulled out and threw the condom away, or when they stumbled to the bathroom together, or when they took a short shower together. the first one tsukasa’d had in an embarrassing amount of time.
the air was tense when they fell back into bed together. side by side on their backs, not touching but not avoiding each other. donned in boxers and nothing else.
randomly, rui broke the fragile silence. “did you hear about mizuki?” tsukasa looked at him, but his partner continued to stare at the ceiling.
“no,” he said softly, urging rui to go on.
“her and ena got into a screaming match, apparently. she moved into her sister’s place.” tsukasa gasped softly. rui turned to look at him. “they’re taking a break before they try talking it out.”
tsukasa let out a pained sigh. he barely even knew them now, but he had held a lot of belief that they would work out. “do you think they will? talk it out?”
rui pressed his lips into a thin line. his head shook side to side, and tsukasa’s gaze fell. rui studied him carefully, before he linked pinkies with tsukasa's limp hand on the mattress.
tsukasa looked at rui. he thought of his own crumbling relationship. he thought of his own sister, who inherited their childhood home after their parents moved out of the country. he entertained the thought of living with her instead of this suffocating silence he shared his space with. the idea was discarded quickly.
as selfish as it was, tsukasa loved rui. he couldn't stand the thought of being with anyone else, living with anyone else, loving anyone else. he didn't care that they were both messed up, that didn't matter. in sickness and in health, right?
resolutely, tsukasa looked back up, following the slow turns of the ceiling fan with his tired eyes. “we’re not like them.”
“we are nothing like them,” rui affirmed quietly. tsukasa could still feel his stare on the side of his face. “tsukasa, i…” he trailed off, before he rose to sit up. confused, tsukasa followed suit. rui continued to hesitate, and tsukasa changed their hands from linked pinkies to interlaced fingers. rui squeezed his hand. he breathed.
“tsukasa, i think we need to get help.”
oh. tsukasa nearly laughed. “i tried that. look how much good it did me.”
rui let out a frustrated groan and tightened his grip on tsukasa’s hand. “i’m serious. look at us, our mental schemas are all fucked up, it’s ruining us. i don’t want to lose you, tsukasa, you’re the only one that i…” he choked and squeezed his eyes shut.
tsukasa looked away. he couldn’t take it, the despair and love in rui’s voice after months and months and months spent growing apart. it tore at his heart, pricked at his eyes, turned his stomach inside out.
it took a disproportionate amount of effort for him to force out his next words. “i… i want to get better. i want to so badly, but i know it doesn’t look that way. i want that for you too. but, i-” he stifled a sob, squeezing rui’s hand so hard he felt his knuckles crack. “i don’t know how.”
from the corner of his sight, tsukasa saw rui hesitating to reach out to him. he grabbed his hand and pulled it to him, and, emboldened, rui cupped his cheek. he was crying. they both were crying. tsukasa’s head hurt.
“that's what the ‘help’ is supposed to be for,” rui whispered, usual mirth absent in his eyes. tsukasa let his own eyes drop, watching the tracks that tears left on rui’s jaw. his breath left him shakily.
“i’m sorry,” tsukasa mumbled, the energy and fight sapped from his body, his soul. he meant it, too.
rui pulled him closer, laying down with tsukasa on his chest. they crumbled together. tsukasa allowed himself to press his cheek against rui’s skin and feel his heartbeat. “so am i. it's okay.”
tsukasa was exhausted. he wrapped his arms around rui cautiously. it had been a long time since they had been this close. it felt odd. “can we go to sleep like this?” he was scared to ask it, but he'd regret it if he didn't.
“of course,” rui whispered easily, lacing his fingers in tsukasa's hair. the blond’s eyes fluttered shut at the feeling. rui cleared his throat gently. “we are gonna have to revisit this tomorrow, tsukasa.”
“that's fine,” he yawned, adjusting to lean further onto rui. now that he had it again, tsukasa remembered how addicting physical contact was. lying skin-to-skin. he almost started crying again.
rui didn't say anything else, just deflated under tsukasa. they held each other. they forgot about the mess in the kitchen, the mess in their heads.
the sun was still up, still gray and covered with clouds, still slipping through the gaps in their broken blinds. but tsukasa and rui fell asleep in each other's arms for the first time in months, and that was enough for now.