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“Where are we now?”
“I think the more pertinent question is when, surely?”
“Well, wherever or whenever it is, I don't like it. It's very drab.”
“Says the man wearing the charcoal suit.”
“It's alright for you. You change your outfit every time we travel. And you get all the best powers.”
“It's very kind of you to say that, but I still maintain you have the better hair. And at least Silver doesn't follow you around making doe-eyes at you.”
“Look. We must be here for a reason. Some breach in the integrity of time. See what you can find.”
“I can locate the presence of a man who shouldn't be here. This is 1973, and he appears to belong in 2007.”
“I see. Do we know who this man is?”
“His name is Samuel Tyler. Apparently he is a member of the police force.”
“Police? Meaning?”
“He has certain – powers over other members of the human race. He is able to punish those who commit offences.”
“And the same in 2007?”
“From what I can ascertain, yes.”
“Right. Best we locate him and find the way to transport him back to his proper timeline.”
“I can sense him, Steel. He lives in this block of flats. But he is not alone.”
“Ghost?”
“No. Another human. But he has a very strong aura. My eyes have changed to an even more lurid shade of painted-in blue than usual with the effort of scanning it.”
“I noticed. Well. Best we meet Samuel Tyler and his companion then, Sapphire.”
****************************************
“So we've travelled up two flights of stairs and you've not only changed your hairstyle, but also your outfit. Just how many shades of blue are there?!”
“Do you really want to discuss my dress sense, or shall we continue? Once this assignment is completed, we can have a holiday, in case you'd forgotten.”
“I haven't forgotten. Lead wants me to do something called golf with him.”
“I believe you play rather than do golf, Steel. It is a practice that humans indulge in as a form of leisure activity.”
“I should have known. Last time he wanted me to play something called dogging. But we were busy with the faceless man, if I remember rightly. Sapphire, what are you doing?”
“Knocking on the door. I know we can go straight in, but this race has certain customs. We should wait to be invited by the occupant before entering.”
“How tedious. And pointless. No-one's answering. Are you sure he's there?”
“I can see two bodies. No, one. No wait, two. No, one. Two. One. Two. One. This doesn't make sense, Steel! Let's go in.”
****************************************
“Last time I looked over my shoulder, Gene, you were pounding me into the middle of the mattress with the rhythmic insertion and partial removal of your -”
“Shut it! Look to yer right, you daft fairy.”
“Bloody hell! Who are you two, and how did you get in here?”
“My name is Sapphire, and this is Steel. Which of you is Samuel Tyler?”
“I am – gerroff me, Gene! Give us that blanket.”
“Bugger. I was nearly on the vinegar stroke an' all. And what you lookin' at, Blondie? He must be your relative, Gladys. His 'air's longer than yours, and look at that poncey suit.”
“I've never seen them before in my life!”
“Steel, could you please assist – Gene, was it? Good. Could you assist Gene?”
“What the 'ell -”
“Gene? Gene?! What have you done to him? He's not moving! He's just sat there! GENE?!”
“Don't worry, Samuel. Steel has merely paralysed him with his manly, piercing stare. It is a temporal shift in time. We need to talk to you.”
“I don't understand, Miss? -”
“Just Sapphire. Samuel, you know you shouldn't be here, don't you?”
“My name's Sam. But – how do you know about me?”
“We have been sent here to fix the anomaly in time which your presence has created, Sam. You belong in 2007.”
“Not anymore I don't. I went back there once. Ended up jumping off a building to get back here.”
“May I ask why?”
“Look, Mr Steel. I don't know who you are, or where you're from, but I don't have to answer to you. I wanted to be here, in 1973. There's no way I'm leaving now.”
“I assume it has something to do with your companion. I hope he knocked and waited before he entered you. I understand that is common practice here.”
“Steel! Try to concentrate on the matter in hand.”
“This is all in my head again, isn't it?! I thought I'd got through all of this. I don't know who you are, but you're not real! Leave me alone!”
“Can't I just slap him, Sapphire? It would stop the incessant whining noise every time he speaks.”
“More than achieving that Steel, you are liable to take his head off his shoulders. You do have an inordinate amount of strength.”
“Like I said, it would stop the whining.”
“Hello?! Remember me? The person you want to 'help'?”
“Why is he making that funny twitching gesture with his fingers, Sapphire?”
“Humans. Another of their customs, I should imagine. Now, Sam. Please sit down and try to calm yourself. I want to clarify your situation.”
“I got hit by a car in 2007. I ended up in a coma, in hospital; but at the same time I was here, in 1973. I kept hearing sounds; voices from 2007, all the time I was here. Then something happened and I woke up in 2007, not here anymore. I spent a few months there, and I hated it. So I jumped off the top of a building and came back here.”
“Did you follow that, Sapphire? I must admit I found it a little convoluted.”
“Quiet, Steel! Sam, are you trying to tell me that you are dead in 2007 and that is how you exist here now?”
“Well, yes. As far as I know I failed the 'compression test'.”
“Stop doing that with your fingers or I may have to wrench them off your hand.”
“Steel! We shouldn't be here. Don't you see? Because Sam lives purely in 1973, there is no weak point in the structure of time. He has killed himself in 2007, so does not exist there anymore. He has committed himself to 1973 and so has every right to exist within this universe.”
“Thank you! At last. Now clear off and let me get back to fu- um – discussing work with my boyf- senior officer.”
“We are leaving, Sam. But unfortunately it's not that simple. We may not be human, but nevertheless we are aware of the concept of sexual relations on your planet. I believe we may have been mistakenly sent here as your – coupling – with this man has created some aberrations in that which we call the time/crack continuum. Another agent will be assigned in our place to correct the fluctuation.”
“Sapphire, you don't mean?-”
“Yes, Steel. We must leave before he arrives. For the three of us to be here at the same time would plough a huge chasm through the crack.”
“What are you two talking about?! You can't leave, not like this! What about Gene?”
“What about me, Sammy? And why aren't I banging you like a shed door in a gale right now?”
“Don't you remember those two people being here?”
“There's no-one 'ere but you, me and my always impressive cock, so get on yer back and let's get started.”
“Not so fast, ladies. I understand you need my help.”
“Who the 'ell are you?”
“Captain Harkness, Time Agent. But you can call me Jack, big boy.”