Chapter Text
I.
(V…. Recollections)
(Somewhere In Night City. You & I. The Best Days, Before The Fall)
“Ugh! Fuck, I’m so tired! Uhhh, c’mere you.”
“Mmmm, yeah, you’re so warm. It’s like your skin’s on fire. You sure you have to leave?”
“Fuck, I don’t want to. It’s just, I got such a busy day today. I gotta finish all these little jobs I promised people. Fixers like to call 'em, 'gigs.' I’d love to stay in bed with you all day, Judy Alvarez….”
“Mmph, c’mon then. I’ll make it worth your while, hehe. Open up those long, smooth athletic legs of yours. Lemme have some more of that preem NC pussy."
“Ohhh, shit. I’m so ready. Feels so good. I’m so wet. Sorry if I got some on your sheets. Oops. Go ahead. Dive in. Make me come….”
“What about your busy day? Mhmm? By the way, you smell so fuckin’ good. You know that, calabacita?"
(….Did I really leave that day?)
I don’t remember but somehow I think the answer’s no. Back then it would’ve hurt too much to be apart from you, especially at the beginning….
Before we fell. God, Jude. We fell so far. Still can't believe we said goodbye forever....
(Summer, 2077)
I can still smell the cheap spray on suntan lotion we bought at the 25/7. What was it? Oh yeah, spf 50?! What the fuck were we thinking?
We might as well smear cooking oil all over ourselves for all the protection that’s gonna give us!
Hehe, hehe….
(First Time We Said Those Three Words)
“V?”
“Mmmm?”
"I-I love you...."
"Jude? What did you just-? Say it again. One more time.
“I love you, calabacita."
“Oh my god. Judy. Baby. I love you. Fuck, I love you...."
….We held each other in bed. Another overcast, gloomy Sunday morning. I looked into your eyes and couldn't believe how happy I was.
It's so powerful. These feelings. So true in their simplicity, their strength.
Yet, how would I know?
I’d never felt that way before.
Our bodies were two fuses. Entwined.
And when we kissed, we were alight.
You and me, leelou bean. Exploding in the summer sky.
Looking in your eyes, just before we fall back to sleep.
The taste of you, still on my lips.
Judy?
Don’t ever let us forget these moments.
Please….
The singularity of something so quiet, yet so loud.
Did we really discover true love?
So then, it does exist?
We declare our feelings and things keep getting better and better.
We’ve acknowledged that we’re taking that leap, jumping off the cliff.
Even though it’s only been a few weeks, it feels like the right thing to do….
We think we’re different from everyone else (and in a sense, we are).
We trick ourselves into thinking we have the upper hand when it comes to love.
We can control it. It’s not gonna beat us.
But….
We were bigger fools than we could've ever imagined, weren’t we? And the nightmare was just beginning....
(Darkness....)
“....How much longer?”
“Jude, I do—”
“HOW LONG!”
“A few months…. Six?”
….You scream, and I’ve never heard a scarier sound. Clumsily, you gather up your things. Van keys, cigarettes, lighter, and start running around the apartment. I'm crying so hard, chasing after you blindly, begging you not to leave.
I grab hold of your arm.
Already, you’ve got one foot out the door….
“NO! NO! I can’t handle this! NO!!!! A-And after Evelyn? No V! I gotta go!! LET ME GO!”
I’m freaking out, in a full-blown panic. “Please don’t leave, leelou bean. Please. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I-I took the shard from Jackie. He was dying. W-What was I supposed to do? Huh? Tell me! What could I have done differently! Don’t leave me. Please don’t go….”
“I can’t stay here. I’ll ping you.”
I walk over to the window. It’s raining. The city’s blurry. Everything's blurry. I’m crying so hard, I can’t catch my breath….
“Tell me you love me,” I plead, going to you. Holding you, and there’s no resistance. You don’t put up a fight. In fact, you hold me tighter….
I can tell you don’t really wanna leave.
Your makeup….
It’s running down the front of your face, mixing with the salt of your tears.
“I love you, calabacita. That’s never ever going to change. But I just can’t deal with this right now. I can’t lose you. I feel sick to my stomach. I think I’m gonna throw up. I gotta go. I GOTTA GO, V!”
“Why are you leaving me when I need you the most?” I whisper, broken. “Don’t you understand? You’re like oxygen to me. I need you or else it, it feels like I can’t breathe.”
“I can’t deal with this shit right now! I-I just can’t! I’m sorry. Bye….”
You leave in a rush. And now I’m on the verge of taking off myself.
Fuck it all.
Fuck everything.
I’ll rip this fucking shard outta my head.
SO WHAT?
FUCK IT!
I thought what we had was special, different. We were gonna be the ones that conquered love.
Hmph, what a joke that turned out to be….
(A Holocall & The Death Of Us)
(....What’s her name?)
(Bianca. But looks, character. Nothing like you at all….)
(Gonna miss you….)
(Yeah…. Goodbye V. And, I’m sorry….)
Hanging up and I want to die. I swear to god, I wanna put a gun to my head and pull the fucking trigger, put a bullet in my head….
Two years? I spent two years in a coma for this? For you to tell me you’re married? Is this some kind of sick, fucked up joke?
It takes every ounce of self-control not to ping you again….
I walk around the hospital room in a daze of sadness.
I still love you.
Even more, now that I know I can’t have you.
What am I gonna do with the rest of my life?
Where am I gonna go?
Who’s gonna love me like you?
Who’s ever gonna love me the way you did?
(Picking up the pieces of my shattered heart)
“Reed. I can’t stay here anymore. Can you help me?”
“I told you there’s nothing left for you there. I asked you to come and work for us. What the hell possessed you to go back there?"
“I don't know. I don't know. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry? I fucked up?”
“Let me see what I can do.”
“Reed?”
“Yeah?”
“Anyplace but here. I’ll go anywhere but Night City. I don’t care if it’s on the other side of the earth.”
“It just may end up being that far away.”
“I don’t care. Anywhere but here.”
“Okay, V. Do you need money?”
Sol told me later on. He couldn't believe how bad I looked on the holo. I never told him I'd suffered a breakdown and I'd just been discharged from the hospital.
“Y-Yeah. I’m broke. Can you help? Can the good ‘ol NUS of A help an old, broken down, washed up merc?”
“I’m wiring you some funds. Try and relax. This might take a few days. I’ve got some pull, but not a lot.”
“Okay.”
“Bye, V.”
“Reed?”
“What?”
“Thanks.”
"Don't thank me yet. Wait until I actually do something.”
(Finally, a glimmer of hope. A tiny light goes on)
“Hey, Reed.”
“V. I got good news and I got bad news. What do you wanna hear first?”
“Both.”
“The good news is there’s a position opening up with our Counter-Intel Division. Keeping tabs on suspected spies. Monitoring suspicious AI activity. Stuff like that.”
“Okay? And the bad?”
“It’s about 6,000 miles away."
“PERFECT!”
….You roll your eyes.
“I can’t figure you out, V.”
“I can’t figure myself out, Reed. Join the club. So when do I find out if I get the job?”
“You already got the job.” I jump up and down in the tiny motel room. Maybe this is the start of something new, something better. “Wiring you a one-way ticket to Virginia. A week’s worth of training, vetting. From there, you’ll be flown to the location. We’ve already set you up with a studio apartment, a little money, car, other necessities. Nothing too extravagant, so don’t get your hopes up.”
“Don’t worry. My hopes haven’t been up in years. And Reed? I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”
“V, it’s gonna be a huge shock to your system. Are you sure this is what you want?”
“100%. There’s nothing left for me here….” I turn away, thinking of Judy’s smile. The way she used to look up at me from the couch. Japantown. I shake it off. It’s still too fresh, like a raw wound that just won’t heal. “Let’s do it. I need a new start.”
“Okay. See you in a few days.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
(New Beginnings)
….I’m getting used to my new digs, getting used to a lot of things. I feel okay. Reed was right. It is a bit of a culture shock, being so far away from NC but I’m learning the ropes, learning which areas of the city are nice, and which areas to avoid. It’s like riding a bike. It’s all slowly coming back to me.
Work’s okay. Kinda boring, but whatever. I don’t really do much anyway. I read a lot. Journal some. All in all, it’s a pretty boring life for someone who’s not that old but hey, things could be so much worse. Reed really came through big time. He didn’t have to help me. Could’ve told me to go to hell. Could’ve given me the cold shoulder.
And dating?
Nah. Fuck that. I don’t even think about it. A few times I noticed a couple of stares from my new colleagues. Guys and girls. That’s good! Nothing wrong with looking. I’ve even caught myself staring at a few rear ends!
I work with some really attractive older women. At least I think they’re older. It’s not like I went up to them and asked!
I think I’m gonna like it here. I really do. I’m so far away from the NUS, I can almost forget Judy….
Almost….
(Being asked out for the first time since I moved here!)
….Hahaha! It happened! I’m flattered. I was at my desk, just fucking off. Bored, staring at the clock. One of the younger secretaries came over. I’d gotten to know her a little over the past few weeks. Her name’s Sarah. (Really, really cute actually). Anyway, she starts talking to me about this show she’s been wanting to see finally coming to one of the theatres here in town.
I was like, “Oh nice! That’ll be preem!”
Then I noticed she got a little red in the face. She stuttered and asked me if I’d like to go with her sometime.
I was gonna say no, but then I thought, “Why? Why should I keep hiding under a rock, never wanting to come out of my shell?
Plus, what’s wrong with going to see a play with someone. It doesn’t have to mean we’re in a committed relationship, so I said, “Sure, Sarah. I’d love to go with you.” She had a huge smile on her face and we both laughed. It actually felt really good!
But see, here’s the thing. My mind won’t ever let me forget Jude. Every time I start, I have a dream or I’ll see something that reminds me of her. Then everything I’ve worked so hard for seems to all come tumbling down. All the progress I’ve made in terms of trying to move on with my life, move on from her just gets erased. Ahhh, what am I going to do? Maybe I’m just destined to remember Judy Alvarez for the rest of my natural born life.
But back to Sarah. She’s so cute! Short, curly brown hair, on the taller side, probably around 5’7”. And she’s got a really, really nova body.
But we’re going as friends. I’m not ready for romance yet. No fucking way. Judy did a number on me when she told me she’d moved on. It’s like a gaping hole in my heart that never seems to wanna get smaller.
(Thinking….)
I wish I would’ve gotten that chance to experience more of the dating scene, ya know? When I was a merc, it was so different. I could basically have whoever I wanted. We were sorta like considered celebrities back in the day, back in Night City….
If I wanted to go out with someone (even if it was just to have a one night stand, all I did was ask and nine times out of ten, they immediately said yes!).
I didn’t sleep around. A few times, when I was really attracted to someone, I’d have a fling with them, but those encounters were so few and far between.
Considering the amount of times I could’ve had sex, I actually think I was a bit of a prude….
(Sarah….)
We had a really nice time together. It was a good show. I enjoyed it.
Afterwards, it got a little weird. She asked me if I wanted to go back to her place.
I said, no, but thanks for the offer. Think I’m just gonna head home.
I could tell she was bummed. I mean, so was I but no, I’m not ready for that. I know it’s been a long time since Jude, but it’s still not long enough.
I’m just not there yet.
Listen Sarah, I said. I think you’re really cool. I wanna be friends but that’s all I can offer you at this point. I’m not ready for intimacy. I’m sorry. I hope you can understand.
She was forward, assertive. Asked if it was because I wasn’t attracted to her.
No! No, not at all. Actually, my last relationship ended really, really badly and I’m still hurting.
She seemed to calm down a little and we promised to be friends.
It ended up working out just fine….
For some reason (hmmm, wonder why), when I got home that night, I was really, really sad. Such a long time since I’d been intimate with anyone.
I thought about masturbating, but I didn’t want to lie down so I just went on my computer to pass the time. I checked my email and couldn’t believe what was sitting in my inbox….
(An invitation)
This was the gist of the message….
Hello, V!
Hey! It’s Rita Wheeler from Lizzie’s! Hope this email finds you well! Actually, I hope this is still your email address! I know it’s been ages since we’ve talked!
Anyway. I’ve got some news. Lizzie’s is closing! Susie Q decided to sell the place! Me and some of the girls are looking to settle in a new space, closer to Downtown. Kabuki’s gotten so much worse in the last few years. Violence, drugs, murders. Yeah, ya know. All that fun stuff. Anyway, we’re throwing one final bash, sorta like a fundraiser and we’re inviting some of our most loyal customers, patrons, friends, even former Mox.
(Former Mox…. Like Judy?)
We’d love it if you could stop by! Maybe have a drink or two…. Or ten! I’m not even sure if you still live in NC but wherever you are, we hope to see you there!
See the attached flyer for all the detes!
Bye V!
….Shit.
Just…. Shit.
Should I go? I wonder if Judy’s gonna be there….
Probably go with her wife. Part of me wants to go. Like, really really wants to go.
But what if we run into each other? What would I say?
That I still miss her so much and think about her at least once every day?
God, I sound so fucking pathetic, don’t I?
Why is it so easy for some people to move on with their lives?
Me? I can’t even get out of my own way.
Maybe I should email Rita and tell her I live too far away. Why cling to old memories?
Judy’s moved on. She’s happy.
Maybe it’s time for me to move on too….
Judy, Pittsburgh (Am I still in the Mox?)
….God, I can’t believe Lizzie’s is closing! Susie’s finally getting rid of the place?
Holy shit….
I mean I have to go, right? Technically, I’m still a Mox girl. If I didn’t show up, what would that say about me?
Should I tell Bianca?
I mean, I kinda wanna go by myself.
Wait….
I just thought of something.
I wonder if…. Nah.
She’s probably not even invited.
But what if she is?
What if this is my last chance to see her?
I almost have to go.
Damn, it makes me think of her.
The basement.
Night City.
Summer, 2077.
Even now, I think about her more than I’d ever care to admit.
At least once a day, more….
I wonder if she’s happy. Married. Kids?
No, no way. Not V.
Mi calabacita....
Damn, just saying her name to myself and I get goosebumps all over my arms and legs….
I never had a lover like her.
She was the best.
Pure and simple….
Making love to her was like being in some kind of a fantasy.
She was always so good at mixing things up.
Soft, firm. Gentle, harsh….
I’m gonna RSVP yes. I’m gonna go.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t miss it for the world….
(Like being bitten on the neck! I'm so excited! Hahaha!)
….I got my tickets!
My boss was being a fuckin’ gonk about giving me the time off. Told him I’d come in on the weekends to make for the time.
I took ten days off. I had the time, so I don’t understand what the big fuckin’ deal was. He said I didn’t give him enough of a notice.
Oh, fuck off.
I’d forgotten what it was like working under someone. Reminded me of when I was at Arasaka.
Arthur Jenkins, Susan Abernathy. Now there was a match made in heaven.
Anyhoo, so I’m all set! The party’s in two weeks. And of course, I’m already freaking out!
I knew this was gonna happen.
I just hope I don’t have my period when I’m back in Night City. Ugh! That would suck! I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem. I should be good.
It’s not like I plan on sleeping with anyone while I’m there….
But still,
You never know….
Sarah’s really been pursuing me. Like heavy. I don’t mind. I actually kind of like it. Turns out I’m a lot older than her. Over ten years. It’s kind of a turn on, if I’m being completely honest.
Every day, she’s been asking me to do something.
Let’s grab a bite to eat after work, catch a movie. Do some shopping. Go to the beach (A two-hour drive!) Take a ride to the coast.
And everytime, I say nah, I’m tired, Sarah. I’m sorry. I think she’s really into me. My desk isn’t too far away from hers and sometimes I catch her checking me out.
The other day, she actually licked her lips, looking at me. I know she probably did it subconsciously, but still it fuckin’ turned me on. That was the first time I really thought about what it would be like to have sex with her.
I think she caught that vibe because she came over and asked if I wanted to go with her to get coffee.
This time I said, yes….
The cafe’s across the street from our offices. Nice, quaint, quiet little place. We sat outside. One of those little tables near the street. It’s not busy, especially during the day….
“V, why do you keep turning me down? Every time I ask you out, you say you’re tired.”
(Uh-oh, how do I explain my way out of this one?)
“Ummm, Sar. Listen, I know I mentioned it before. B-But my last relationship. It ended really, really badly. And I just don’t wanna get hurt. I like you. I do. But I’m not ready to commit. I’m sorry.”
And then you did the sweetest thing. You reached over and held my hand. Didn’t say anything, just started rubbing my fingers….
“I wish you would open yourself up again, V. You’re so attractive. I love your sense of style. The way you wear your hair. Your outfits. I’m gonna keep trying. One day I’m gonna get you to say yes.”
Your gesture affected me. I could feel myself softening. I’m staring at you, feeling your fingers kneading my joints. We’re both sitting down. It’s a beautiful day. Warm. A slight breeze. It smells clean, airy. No smog or pollution.
“But I did say yes. Just now. When you asked me if I wanted to get a coffee.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
(Oh shit. Are you? Is this? Why is my heart beating so fast? Uh-oh. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?)
“I-It’s not?”
You smile. Damn, you are really good-looking. You take your hand and move it once through my hair.
“No, V. I think you know what I mean. Somehow, I get the feeling you’re amazing in bed.”
(Fuck. Fuck. Now I know I’m blushing. I can feel my face heating up. I’m looking at your chest. I can’t help it. I do want you. I do wanna make love to you. Yes! YES! Finally! After so long I can finally say goodbye to Judy Alvarez! I can finally move on with-with….Nope. Uh-uh. Damn. I can’t. I’m still too frightened. Still too scared. I can’t Sarah. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…. I turn away, ashamed by my lack of self-confidence, my fears. Judy’s still got a hold of my heart, and I can’t let her go.)
“I’m sorry. We should go back. Our lunch is almost over. Sarah, I’m sorry. I’m just not there yet. I can’t help it.”
“It’s okay, V. I understand.”
You gently pull your hand away and the moment passes. It’s gone. I try to smile, but it’s awkward. I’ve ruined this moment. I know that. I just can’t Jude go….
We walk back to the office in silence. I feel so bad inside. I’m embarrassed by my lack of confidence.
As I turn to go back to my desk. You touch my shoulder and say,
“V. Sometimes you just have to let go of the past. It’s the only way to move forward.”
Awkwardly, I nod. But then I realize you’re exactly right. Why am I still holding onto Judy? She doesn’t love me anymore. Why can’t I accept that? Why do I continue to think we’re different?
Maybe I wanna believe in fairy-tale endings. Maybe I just want to feel Jude in my arms….
Is that wrong? Is it naive of me to think she might still love me?
I’m sitting at my desk as a wave of sadness washes over me. I get up from my chair, too fast, and a few heads turn. I practically jog to the bathroom and find an empty stall.
Put the lid down on the toilet seat, sit and I just start crying. I grab a bunch of toilet paper and ball it up. I push it in my face in case someone walks in….
Shit. I can’t stop crying.
I miss you, leelou bean. I wish you would hold me. I wanna feel your breath on the back of my neck. I wanna feel your warmth as we hide underneath the covers all morning. I wanna feel your lips on mine, your hand running through my hair, kissing me on the mouth.
I love you, Judy. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to us.
We were different. I know it. I felt it....
I can’t leave the stall. I know I’m a mess. I’m praying no one comes in. I’m blowing my nose, thinking of the basement at Lizzie’s.
....Where I first laid eyes on you.
I hope you’re at the party, Jude. I miss you. I wanna see you again. Face to face. I try to count off the number of years since you held me in your arms.
One finger, one thumb for every 365 days....
Fuck. I knew it....
I've used all ten of them up.