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Dear Seungmin,
It’s day one and I was a good boy. I did not tear up any of the furniture (you’re welcome). I did not eat any of the fancy peanut butter biscuits (I’m pacing myself, are you proud?). I did not even howl (although trust me, I wanted to).
I cleaned the bathroom (full of my hair as always). I went for a run (but there was no one to play catch with) and then I made my own dinner. It was pretty good, but my cooking skills still need work.
It’s day one and I miss you desperately,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day two and I did howl. I couldn’t help it. I woke up in the night and you weren’t there and instinct got the better of me. I know I upset the neighbors, they turned their lights on, so I tried to shush afterwards but it was very difficult for me. Howling is just something in my nature, and when I start I need to carry it out like a song. I’ve told you this before, I know you understand, but I’m telling you again because you’re not here and my bed is cold without you.
I will try to be a good boy again. I’ll even clean out the fridge (we still have that pasta we made two weeks ago, yuck).
love you desperately,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day three and I am very bored. I know it’s too soon to be bored, but I am. I invited Changbin over. He played catch with me, but it was not the same. Tomorrow I’m meeting up with Felix and Minho, we’re going to a new pastry shop, but really I just want to lie in bed and mope.
That’s very stupid of me, isn’t it? I think if you were here you’d call me out for being a silly sentimental canine, but what can I do?
I miss you terribly
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day four and I ate all the peanut butter biscuits. I shouldn’t have because afterwards I had to go to the pastry shop with Felix and Minho and I ate a lot of cake. So as you can imagine I spent most of the evening being sick to my stomach. I just find it difficult to control myself. I miss you. I want you here to boss me around.
lots and lots of love,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day five and I woke up so so horny today you wouldn’t believe it. I had to masturbate four times consecutively. I don’t know why. Maybe I dreamt with you. I will try to be productive and get some work done today—Jisung tells me that’s the best way to pass the time. But I just plain don’t feel like it.
when are you coming out?
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day seven. I didn’t write yesterday because last night Jisung got me drunk. It was actually quite fun. We played video games, and I fell asleep with my head on his lap. He scratched my ears very good and for the first time since your chrysalis period started I felt good.
But now I don’t feel good. I vomited and then had to clean the bathroom, which of course I hate. I can’t even look at food right now, and even my coffee tastes bad. But mostly I really miss you. I keep reliving last Sunday and seeing your eyes close. I haven’t mentioned it before because I don't want to be dramatic but that was really hard for me.
I’ve never seen anyone else go through this. Sometimes it feels like you’re dead. I know that’s stupid. You’re fine, but still your absence has permeated my whole life. And yes I did have to look up that word and make sure I was using it right.
please come out soon my love,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I did my laundry (and yours too I might add). Then I went for a run and I made a huge breakfast for myself (omelet, berry smoothie, garden salad and those frozen potato pancakes you like). It sounds like a lot of food, but I feel good about it. The problem is that it’s only 11 o’clock now and I don’t know what to do. I mean, I have to work, but I feel like I need something to look forward to and it’s hard having that without you.
Hyunjin and Changbin invited me over, I know they’re trying to make me feel better but it doesn’t work. You see I’m not logical when it comes to you, and I can’t be. I know that you’re fine and that you’ll come out soon, but I don’t feel fine waiting. And it hurts knowing that this is not a one time thing.
But I love you enough to wait. I know I’m being impatient, but hey, I am a pup, and what is a dog-hybrid if not impatient. And since we’ve been together almost two years now I have to assume that you love that about me.
do you? man i really need some reassurance today
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I didn’t have breakfast today but I did go for a run and take out the trash. Work has been very boring but Jisung is gonna come over tonight to entertain me. He got another tattoo. Can you believe it?
I remember asking you about that the first time that we met. I didn’t know any Papilionoidean-hybrids until you. They always seemed so mystifying. I remember there was one in one of my University classes. Her wings were pale green and even though I didn’t mean to stare I kept doing it. I was fascinated with the way the light shifted over her. Everyone wanted to know her. They’d chat her up, fight to sit next to her, you know how it is. I kept my distance, but in my head I made up so many scenarios where we were entangled together through one thing or another and of course we ended up falling in love.
Fantasy love is special, isn’t it? It’s compiled of picture-perfect moments, like shots from a movie that fall into a seamless sequence. And everything is tinted just so. There are no accidents, no fumbled opportunities, no disagreements, no mishaps during sex that end up with both of you laughing.
I didn’t know real love until I met you. I mean, I’d been in relationships before, but all of them fizzled out or imploded within the first six months. We never got past that first stage. With you it’s so different. I feel like we have a foundation for a real life together (do you feel that way).
sometimes I think we should get married lol,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day ten. Ten whole days, but I look at the calendar hanging in the kitchen and it doesn’t seem like so much. Only ten days! How could that be? You have no idea how much I miss you.
But I’ve decided that I don’t want you to come back to a bunch of emails that do nothing but mope and complain, so today I offer you a list of my top 5 Seungmin moments.
1) Baseball - Or specifically the baseball game you dragged me to as our third date. You were wearing all white, and your wings were so spectacularly beautiful in the sunlight. Plum and periwinkle, lilac and amethyst, I had to look up words just to describe them but no word really does it justice. I kept glancing away from the game to look at you.
You wore a cap, and you tried to explain the rules to me but soon found out I’m not much of a sports fan. Maybe that was disappointing but despite my indifference towards baseball I love the way you love it.
The game absorbs you completely. Your eyes follow the key players. You have witty comments, and references. And you know this game. You know its history and you keep stats of all the players fresh in your mind. I like the way you quietly curse when your team loses, I like the tightness around your jaw when there is a decisive move to be made. Run or hold.
You look really beautiful watching baseball. Anger suits you.
I was going to write four more, but now I’m sad. I want to hug you. Maybe I will pace myself (like I should have with the biscuits) and write one lovely Seungmin moment a day. Yes, yes, that’s better, isn’t it?
waiting for you, tail wagging,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I will jump straight into it today.
2) Housework - I was very messy before we got together. I didn’t care if I had dirty dishes overnight, or if I had crumbs in my bed. But you taught me better.
You demanded better of me and I liked it. You’re very well suited for a dog-hybrid partner, you know. You’re a good trainer, you know to praise me in a way that makes me feel special, and you can scold me without ever being mean. I trust you. I trust you so much.
I like it when you call me a good boy. I like it when you indulge me.
your faithful dog misses you terribly,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I got more peanut butter biscuits and I had one after work. It’s been raining quite a lot and I sit by the window and watch it come down, wishing you were here to sip coffee with me.
I miss the routine of our lives. I miss slow mornings. I miss your coat by the door. I knew it was gonna be hard, but I didn’t understand in what ways. I know I said it before but it’s true Seungmin—sometimes I really do think you’re dead.
I guess I’m stupid like that, but I feel a need to mourn you.
I don’t even think I can write a favorite Seungmin moment today. I want to cry.
love you,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I had a lovely day today. Minho and Felix had a party because they got a pair of new kittens. They’re very cute and they were climbing over everything and everyone. We listened to music, and talked, and nobody told me to shut up when I complained (i like our friends, they’re a good bunch).
Hyunjin and Changbin were all over each other (as usual). I know it’s not polite to stare but I did. Hyunjin’s wings are at their prettiest right now—they seem to absorb all the light in the room. He makes me miss you, but he also makes me feel close to you.
3) Thighs - I love your body. I love the grace in it, and the strength in it. I love the smooth newness of your skin. And I love the way you let me kiss you, over and over and over again, for hours at a time. I feel the need to worship you sometimes (is this a dog thing?). I want to sit at your feet and do your bidding (yes I think it must be).
Most of all I love your thighs. The skin here is so soft that I can cry just thinking about it. I love leaving marks on them. My teeth. My nails. You like it too, I think.
maybe I should play rough more often (do you want that)
chan
Dear Seungmin,
Work was horrible today, but I got through it and now I’m having a biscuit and watching a drama. I bought fresh sheets for our bed today. I know it’s not time yet but I want things to be nice when you come back. I am forever thinking of you.
i need you to tell me i was a good boy,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I am very bored and miserable because I caught a cold. It must have happened last night when I went out with Jisung and Jeongin. Someone must have sneezed on me. Curse them. Now my whole body is sore and my temperature is rising and dropping like a yo-yo.
Which reminds me:
4) Colds - I like the way you take care of me. I got sick about a month into our relationship and I guess I expected you to keep your distance but you didn’t. You came by with medication and soup, and a really fluffy blanket and you took care of me like no one has (okay except my mom but surely that doesn’t count right).
The way you treated me made me feel really special. like i was precious to you. i couldn’t say it at the time (it seemed like too much too soon, you know) but that’s when i knew how lucky i was.
i love you very very very much, and i wish you were here to get me soup
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day nineteen. I’ve missed a few because I was sick. Mostly I slept or watched TV. I feel a little stronger today. Maybe I’ll go out for a walk tonight. I should probably get some fresh air.
love,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I tried going out for a run today but I didn’t make it very far. I don’t feel sick anymore but I guess I’m still recovering. On my way back I picked up some groceries and I bought flowers for myself. I tried to choose ones that were as close as possible to your wings (or the wings I knew you with). They’re lilac and lavender and they look very pretty on the kitchen table. I put them in that vase your sister got us. I should take a picture for you, should I?
5) Arguments - I’ve always been scared of conflict. I avoid it. I want things to be good, happy, anything else is terrifying. I feel like I don’t know what I’m stepping into. Is the argument going to have a quick resolution or is it going to get bigger and bigger until it swallows everything up.
I think all my past relationships failed because of this.
With you it’s different. You’re so calm. You’re so logical. Instead of growing hot and emotional when we argue you become even more transparent than usual. You look me in the eye and you speak the truth and I understand that you’re not trying to hurt me, you’re trying to fix a problem, and I want to fix the problem.
I’ve learned so much from you. I learned to do my dishes every night, and to make my bed every morning, and I’ve learned that not only is arguing vital to a relationship, it’s also a skill. You can get better at it.
miss bickering with you,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I was out with Jisung and Jeongin today. We biked to the park and then they played fetch with me a long time. I was so tired by the end of it, but it felt great.
We had a little picnic afterwards. It was cold but nice. I wore your sweater actually. It still smells like you which gets me so happy.
can’t wait to sniff you again,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I finished the second tin of biscuits. I couldn’t contain myself sorry. But I did do a lot of yard work today, and I mended three of my shirts which had loose buttons so maybe it all balances out and I’m a neutral boy.
I really want to have sex. Like really. Masturbating is not the same. I want your body. I want you to kiss me. I want to hear you moan and whimper. You’re so pretty when you cum.
thinking dirty thoughts,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day twenty-three and I have very exciting news. Your chrysalis is starting to darken. I don’t visit you everyday (mostly because you told me not to), but I suspected something was up yesterday and now I’m sure.
I’m so excited that my tail won’t stop wagging. you have no idea how annoying it is, I have to do work now
love you,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I was a good good boy today. I cleaned. I went for a run. I got groceries and now soon I’ll be cooking cause I invited Minho and Felix over. I’m gonna feed them fish (do you think that’s offensive). I know they’re my friends and I shouldn’t worry about it but in my experience cat-hybrids are very sensitive.
when you finish moulting i’m gonna cook for you everyday
chan
Dear Seungmin,
We had so much fun last night that I went over to Minho and Felix’s early today. Felix and I played video games all morning and then we went out for a run together. When we came back Minho had a proper feast for us, which included these delicious lemon tarts. I think you would have liked them a lot.
Minho and Felix are doing really well together. It’s hard to believe they’ve only been dating six months. They look married. And of course that makes me miss you.
almost ready to come out?
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I have been visiting you everyday even though it’s against your explicit instructions. I know that this process takes however long it takes, and there’s no way to hurry it up but I really want to be there the second you come out. I know it’s not close yet, but it’s closer than it was.
Hyunjin called me while I was writing. He told me to get a grip and find a hobby and leave you to yourself. I know you’d agree with him but ugh I don’t want to leave you.
your loving dog,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s getting warmer. Today I sweat so much in my morning run that I took my shirt off. I know you would have liked that so I took a picture for you.
I also took a video of myself masturbating. Well that was a few days ago but it seems relevant now. I’ve never done that kind of thing before. I’ve always been too skittish about it but it felt exciting at the time. I used a few of our toys, including that purple dildo you bought for Christmas.
I’ll show it to you…if you want
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I had very dirty dreams last night. I dreamt of you emerging from your chrysalis, all naked and sticky and me kissing every inch of your new skin and fucking you on the floor.
maybe we can recreate that. it was very fun i assure you.
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day twenty-nine and your chrysalis has changed so much. It’s very thin now (thin enough that I can see the outline of your body) and it makes it very hard to leave you. I want to stay by your side, and offer you warmth and companionship because that’s what good dogs do and I want to be a good dog for you. I know that’s not what you need. All you need is time and solitude, but I’m desperate.
You know butterfly-hybrids are really special. You can say that you’re not all you want. But you are.
Look at me. I have dog instincts, right. I like scents, and I like playing catch, and it’s in my nature to be loyal. I wear my heart on my sleeve, or more literally, my feelings are on my tail. It’s easy to figure me out.
Bunny-hybrids, squirrel-hybrids, fox-hybrids, they all have their own characteristics, but again they’re what you expect. Even cat-hybrids, who are mercurial and tricky, act like cats. But butterfly-hybrids are so so different.
You’re mysterious and elusive, beautiful, and you go through this strange chrysalis period that feels very much like magic. I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that when you come out of there you will have new wings. Or that all the top layer of your skin will be brand new. That every freckle and mole and scar I knew will be erased. You’re coming out of there like porcelain.
What will this new you look like? Will your wings still be plum and periwinkle, lilac and amethyst. Ugh. I’ve gotten myself into a state. I’m anxious. Waiting doesn’t suit me.
want to kiss you till i forget how to over think,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
Hyunjin came over today and said something horrible. He says that you probably have another week to go. I’m gonna cry. I’m in denial. I thought we were much closer.
I’m going out with Changbin. Maybe I’ll get drunk to make myself feel better.
chan
Dear Seungmin,
Changbin didn’t let me get drunk. He cut me off at number three. I couldn’t go to sleep so I visited you last night. I talked to you for a long time and even sang you a song.
I wonder if you’ll remember,
Chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day thirty-two and I want to get married. In fact I think it’s a logical, sensible option for us and to prove this I will provide a list. Top ten reasons we should get married.
- You make me a better person. And I don’t just mean that you make me tidier or more organized, you also make me more grounded, and more thoughtful. My instinct is to act, and sometimes I’m too fast, I do what first comes into my mind and then I regret it. But with you I’m learning.
- We have great sex. I don’t need to expand on this one because you know it’s true.
- Our house is lovely. I know we’ve only been living together a few months but it’s been so good. It’s nice not commuting to each other and having a space that we share and build together. Your plants are doing fine by the way. I’ve been following your instructions diligently.
- You’re very patient with me. You don’t mind playing fetch for hours or scratching my ears while we watch TV. You’re indulgent with me. And I think I give you a sense of purpose. You know how much I need you.
- We have fun together. This is what I miss the most. I miss our walks, I miss dancing with you in the evenings, going to baseball games on Saturdays, our formal date nights when we go to fancy restaurants and everyone looks at you, shimmering and glorious and I feel like the proudest pup in the world.
- Mornings. I like waking up to nuzzle you. I like the way you smell and the way you kiss me. It lights up my whole day.
- Coffee. I like bringing you your coffee in bed. I like the little tray and the cute cups we bought together. It’s cozy.
- We’re both competitive. I like it when all our friends come over and we play games together, but mostly I like it when we’re beating them. Between my sheer physical strength and speed and your brains and ability to cheat on the quiet we are a formidable force.
- The future. We want the same things. We want to travel, and get a dog, and plan fun activities for our friend group. And when I think about what the next two years or five years look like I am filled with optimism. You are a great life partner.
- I love you. I know I say it a lot and I’ve written it a lot here, but I need to make it clear to you. I love you. I am grateful for every moment that we have together. Even if we’re arguing, even if we’re stressed, even if we’re on a long car trip and I want to talk and you want to sleep. I like you by my side, and I want it always.
I hope you agree. I hope you want this like I want this.
your husband to be
chan
Dear Seungmin
It’s day thirty-three. I cleaned and did laundry (again!) and then I worked. I didn’t visit you but I thought about you so much that it feels like I didn’t do anything else with my time. I’m gonna ask Jisung to come over tomorrow.
sleepy,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day thirty-four and I’m outside in the park. Jisung is running late but that’s okay. It’s a very nice morning today, bright blue skies, little white flowers on the grass.
It’s exciting that you’ll come out soon. We’re gonna have a great summer.
love you,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I ran so much yesterday that my legs are sore. Jisung crashed on the couch, he’s still asleep and drooling on our throw pillow right now. I love him very much. He brought me more peanut butter biscuits.
Today I’m gonna clear out my closet, maybe get rid of some old things. I want you to be proud of me when you come out and it should be soon. I’m literally counting down the hours.
love you times a bazillion,
chan
Dear Seungmin,
I got fresh flowers for you. This time I didn’t match them to your old wings, because I think it made me sad last time. I can’t really imagine you without them. I know I’ve seen pictures of the wings you had previously but it’s not the same. Old pictures are just that—old pictures. They don’t feel real.
I visited you today for a long time. I told you that you should marry me and then I cried. I can see your face. It looks so strange in there.
i howled a lot this evening, couldn’t help it
chan
Dear Seungmin,
Hyunjin and Changbin came over to cheer me up after work and Hyunjin assured me that it’s gonna happen soon, maybe even within the next forty-eight hours. I hugged him so hard when he told me. I almost cried on his shoulder, it was embarrassing.
After they were gone I curled up with your sweater and watched a baseball game
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day thirty-eight. Thirty-eight! I know that chrysalis are volatile and for some people they last up to sixty days, but thirty-eight already feels very long. I want to talk to you, and to kiss you, and to hold you in my arms.
it’s so close now I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep tonight
chan
Dear Seungmin,
It’s day thirty-nine and I was not a good boy. I got the day off work. I think it’s gonna happen today. Your chrysalis is so clear now that I can see all of you. Your new wings look blue, and they’re dark Seungmin! I can’t believe it! It’s gonna take me ages to get used to it. But you look beautiful!
tail wagging like crazy,
Chan
-
His body wakes up inch by inch. He can feel the air creeping through. It’s a new life but the feeling of emerging is familiar. He has done this before, and his body knows what to do. He pushes himself out, wiggling to release himself. His eyes are still closed to the world, and everything around him is a mystery. His body is wet with stickiness, and a sweet smell is clinging to his skin.
Seungmin emerges from his chrysalis gasping for air. He fills his lungs with it greedily as he lays on the floor. He feels so weak, but this feeling will pass. He can feel sunlight. It’s a warm day. And even though he can’t see Chan or hear him he can feel his presence.
“Chan,” oh his voice does not sound like him. It’s deep from lack of use.
“Seungmin!” he hears his pup shout so loudly that it makes his head hurt.
“Shhhhh-“ Seungmin mutters as he tries to get himself into a sitting position.
His body is tight—stressed—like a string pulling taunt. It’s hard for him to control it. He should give himself time but Chan’s excitement pulses through the room like wine.
“Are you alright?” Chan asks. It’s such a stupid question that it makes Seungmin smile.
Slowly he opens his eyes. They’re in the second bedroom—the small one that has no furniture, and all the windows are covered. Chan is crouching a couple of feet away from him, eyes round, tail wagging. Cute, very cute.
“Can I bring you anything?”
Seungmin shakes his head. Oh, his neck. It’s horrible. He needs to take a warm bath and stretch, but not yet. He’s not ready yet.
Papery bits of the chrysalis have stuck to his arms and legs and Seungmin carefully peels them off. His hand is shaking lightly. Breathe. Breathe. That’s what he keeps telling himself. It’s always like this. Returning to life is hard. He’s talked about it with Hyunjin. Being cocooned is wonderful in a way—it’s safe—not only from the world, but from your own thoughts. Everything stops. Everything is quiet. It’s the only way Seungmin knows to really rest.
He breathes in and out. Feeling it in his chest, in his stomach. He rotates his shoulders, shifts his neck gently from side to side. He knows that Chan is dying to talk to him, to hold him, his impatience is a presence in the room with them but Seungmin can’t think about that, he has to allow the natural process of resurgence to occur.
Even allowing someone to view him like this is intimate and vulnerable but he trusts Chan. In fact, he’s glad that he’s here. He’s something to cling to. Seungmin scrunches up and then extends his fingers, he rotates his wrists. He can feel more and more sensation returning.
“How long has it been?”
“It’s day forty-one,” says Chan as if this is very sad.
Seungmin laughs. “Too long for you?”
“A bit, but I managed.”
“Good boy,” says Seungmin and Chan makes an adorable little whine.
“Go get me juice.”
Chan bolts out of the room. When he comes back he doesn’t try to give Seungmin the juice, instead he sets it down by his side. Good , he remembers what he talked about, thinks Seungmin as he carefully picks up the glass and brings it to his lips. It’s mango juice, his favorite. Its sweetness coats his lips, and its potency gives him strength.
“Anything happened while I was gone?” he asks as he sets down the empty glass.
“Mostly that I missed you a ton.”
Seungmin grins. “Good.”
“You feel better?”
“Yes. I think I wanna try standing up actually.”
Chan approaches him with slow careful steps. He doesn’t help Seungmin get up, but he’s there in case he trips or needs strength. Exactly like I told him to , thinks Seungmin proudly. Once he’s standing he feels the rush of blood and warmth throughout his body.
“What are they like?” he asks Chan and this time his voice does sound normal.
“What?”
Seungmin slowly turns around. “My wings.” He doesn’t look over his shoulder, he wants to hear it from Chan first.
“Oh, they’re beautiful.”
“Well of course you’d say that, but what are they like?”
Chan takes a moment to consider. “I don’t really know, I have to look up the exact shades.”
“I don’t care about shades, just tell me how they look to you.”
“Different,” there’s a bit of a pause here, and Seungmin can feel Chan pull in an inch closer to him, examining him. It sends a pleasant shiver down his spine. As lovely as his chrysalis period has been, he has missed the comfort of Chan’s presence. Just having him near like this sends a spark of excitement down his body as if this was the very first time they were ever alone together. “They look like clouds at sea or smoke rising up into the air on a winter night—but they're soft too. As if I’m seeing them through the filter on the first Twilight movie, or the way night scenes look in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.” He laughs self-consciously. “Is that a stupid way to say it?”
“No.”
He’s never had wings like this. His last three sets have all been shades and patterns of purple. Seungmin looks over his shoulder. His wings are vast, dark, mature, midnight against his skin. Through their transparency he looks at Chan’s face and suddenly his throat feels funny. Like he wants to cry. Or kiss him.
He reaches out his hand and without saying anything puts Chan towards him by the wrist.
Chan makes a little whimpering sound, and lowers his head submissively, his forehead making contact with Seungmin’s collarbone.
“It was so long,” he says, the words aching out of him drenched with sorrow.
“You were a good boy to wait,” Seungmin says, stroking his hair.
He can hear Chan sniffing his skin, the newness of his flesh, the slick substance that coats all his body. “Sometimes I really felt like you died.”
Seungmin gives his forehead a kiss anyway and assures him: “I’m okay.”
“Yeah?”
He nods and feels the stiffness of his neck. “Can you run a bath for me?”
Chan is always good at taking instruction but today it’s even more so and he’s out of the room before the words are fully out of Seungmin’s lips. When he comes bouncing back, a big dumb smile on his face, Seungmin has to refrain from calling him ‘cute’. He is cute. His boyfriend is the cutest.
He helps him to the bathroom, putting an arm gingerly across Seungmin’s waist. Walking again feels strange and heavy, as if part of his muscles were still in deep sleep. In the bathroom he can hear the water running, and vapor rising, fogging the mirror in front of them.
“I made it warm like you like it,” Chan says as he crouches by the tub.
It’s about 1/3 filled but Seungmin doesn’t want to wait. He keeps hold of the wall as he carefully steps in and then lowers himself into a crouching position. The water feels wonderful. It makes all his skin tingle awake. He breathes in the vapor. As he stretches out his arms in front of him.
Their bathtub is big, much bigger than the standard size, but not enough for Seungmin to stretch out his legs. Instead he brings his knees up and reclines against the back of the tub. Despite the fact that he has his eyes closed he can feel Chan watching him.
“How was work?” Seungmin asks just because he wants to hear the sound of his voice.
“Okay—you have a new freckle.”
Seungmin opens his eyes to see Chan with his head in his hands, his big brown eyes staring intensely at Seungmin’s knee.
“That happens.” The whole top layer of his skin is changed during the process. Old scars vanish and things like moles, and freckles, and skin tags appear and disappear. For him this is an old hat, he’s been doing this every 2-3 years since he was a teenager but Chan has never experienced it before. His fascination with the freckle is adorable. “You can touch it, if you want.”
Chan doesn’t waste a second and stretches out his hand to gently caress it with the tip of his index finger. His touch is so light that it tickles.
“Tell me more about the last forty-one days.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything.”
“Mmmm…I really missed you. I wrote you all these emails…”
Seungmin laughs. “You did?”
“Yeah, almost everyday,” as he says this his ears twitch. Is he that self-conscious?
“Wanna read them to me while I soak?”
“No!” says Chan. He’s blushing and it has nothing to do with the heat that’s rising up from the water.
“Come on, read them to me, I wanna hear them.”
“It’s embarrassing,” he whines.
“Why?”
Their eyes lock. Chan is so earnest, and adorable, and puppyish. It makes Seungmin's whole chest flutter. He wants him. He does. Chan must sense it (or smell it) because he shifts forward, rising slightly so that he can give Seungmin a kiss.
It’s a good kiss. A great kiss. It’s the kind of kiss that he dreamt of coming back to. Without thinking Seungmin reaches around and grabs hold of Chan’s shirt, wetting it in the process. He pulls him towards the water, clothes and all, and Chan doesn’t resist. He joins him, splashing, making himself small to fit in the space and not separating their mouths.
“Missed you, missed you, missed you,” he says between kisses, desperately as his hands find Seungmin’s waist and press against him.
Chan’s clothes feel so strange and heavy in the water, but Seungmin likes the way they cling to his skin. He’s so handsome. His dog is so handsome.
“I love you,” says Chan when he breaks their kiss. “Really.” He pecks him on the lips. “I was going crazy without you.”
“Well we got like three years till the next one.”
Chan gives a whine. “No next one,” he says. “I’m not ready for you to leave me.”
“It’s ages away.”
“Not ready,” he says again before pressing his mouth against Seungmin.
The tub is dangerously full. Every time they shift, the water threatens to spill out, but what does that matter when Chan is next to him, when he’s kissing him like that, when his hand has found that soft spot on Seungmin’s thigh that always drives him crazy.
“We’re gonna drown in here,” says Chan as he reaches over to turn the water off.
“You wouldn’t, you can doggy paddle,” Seungmin teases, which makes Chan roll his eyes and kiss him again.
They get out of the bath without actually doing anything bath related. Seungmin hasn’t even touched the soap, but it’s not important, what is very important is getting Chan off of those wet clothes. As always Chan makes a mess dropping them on the corridor as they kiss their way to the bedroom. They make a wet goopy sound as they land on the floor. Seungmin knows he’ll have to clean it up later but it doesn’t matter, what really matters is Chan’s abs, and his ass, and the way his skin feels.
Their bedroom is freshly cleaned and smells of lavender. Seungmin falls backwards onto the bed. Chan presses him against the comforter.
“You looked so sexy coming out of that thing—I know that’s not what I should have been thinking but you were all like slick and naked,” says Chan as he trails kisses down Seungmin’s neck, occasionally pausing to give him a good lick.
Usually Seungmin likes to be active during sex, maybe even a little bossy, but today he doesn’t have the energy for it. I’ll be a pillow princess, just this once , he thinks as Chan’s mouth moves lower and lower until he’s kissing just above Seungmin’s pubic hair.
“Want you so bad,” he says, burying his nose in it and moaning. Chan’s eyes glance up at him. “Can I suck you off?” he asks in his most polite good boy voice.
Seungmin keeps eye contact. “Today you can do whatever you want with me.”
Chan’s eyes nearly bulge out his skull and Seungmin laughs at his expression, but the moment doesn’t last long, because soon Chan is licking Seungmin’s cock and then it’s not funny at all. There’s no finesse to whatever Chan is doing, it’s sloppy and wet and feels almost random, but it’s good. A strange kind of good. He can feel Chan’s enthusiasm, his desire, and he moves his tongue in very creative ways.
He builds Seungmin up, flicking his tongue over the head of his cock, his hands pawing at his thighs and keeping his legs nice and open. Seungmin breathes in pleasure. He closes his eyes and lets his body relax. Sex with Chan is always special. He’s never met anyone who wants it as much as he does. And it’s not in a selfish way either, it’s not just chasing a high, it’s chasing closeness, chasing connection. It’s sweet actually.
By the time he actually wraps his plump lips against Seungmin’s dick Seungmin is gripping onto the comforter for dear life. His legs are shaking and he can feel his orgasm dangerously close. He wants to tell Chan this, to give him a warning, but there’s no time and within a few seconds he cums directly into Chan’s mouth.
Chan sucks it all out of him, humming low and deep as Seungmin gasps for breath.
“You taste so good,” says Chan as he rubs his face against Seungmin’s pubic hair. “Missed it so much. So, so much,” he whines. His hands are firm on Seungmin’s thigh, holding them apart, the fingers digging into the skin.
Seungmin knows what’s coming. Chan has always been a fan of excess.
He flips him over on the mattress and Seungmin groans as his sensitive cock makes contact with the comforter. Chan doesn’t appear to hear him, his hands instantly go to Seungmin’s ass. It’s stupid that he likes Seungmin’s ass. It doesn’t make any sense, Seungmin is built tall and lean, he barely even has an ass, but regardless Chan is obsessed with it. He gives Seungmin a little spank.
“Missed this too,” he says, kneading his ass before playfully biting one of his cheeks. "Your wings are so beautiful, they suit you so much baby.”
“They do?” He likes hearing that.
“Yeah, you’re perfect like this.”
Seungmin laughs. “Naked with my legs spread?”
“Yes,” says Chan and a second later his tongue is right against Seungmin’s rim.
“Fuck,” mutters Seungmin shutting his eyes tight. He is so so sensitive there and Chan knows it.
Chan licks him a second time, using the flat of his tongue and Seungmin’s whole body twitches.
“You said I could do what I wanted,” he says in a whiny voice before pushing the tip of his tongue inside of him.
There are definitely downsides to having a dog hybrid boyfriend. They are loud, they are messy, they like treats way too much, and you have to spend hours throwing a ball for them to chase as stress relief, but the oral fixation does make it all worth it in the end.
Seungmin feels himself losing control of his own body. The desire makes him drowsy like sleep or alcohol might. He loves this. He loves the way Chan sucks at his hole, and licks inside of him, and the way he grips him in place so tight, not letting him move a muscle. He loves the wet perverted sounds that come from their physical contact and the way Chan hums to himself as he works.
And this time Seungmin gets to enjoy it. His second orgasm builds for a long time, as he gapes mouth open against the comforter, a little pool of drool leaving his mouth. He doesn’t even care that he’s making a mess (like a dog), he loves this too much, he loves Chan too much, besides he’s close, so so close.
When Seungmin does cum again he does so loudly, giving off a sound that should have been a moan but got caught in his throat. His body shakes as Chan continues to lick at him, with that amazing, beautiful talented tongue.
“Stop,” Seungmin says weakly because he really doesn’t think he can take another one.
Chan gives his hole a little kiss before pulling away.
“Good, baby?”
“So good,” says Seungmin. He can feel his eyes heavy. He just woke up but he already feels like he needs a little nap.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, you can still fuck me, I’ll just lie here,” he says.
Chan laughs. “That’s not what I was gonna ask.”
“Oh?”
Chan flips him around again so that Seungmin can see him. He really wishes that he hadn’t, Seungmin was so comfortable on his stomach, and sitting up to look at Chan takes so much effort. And he is so sleepy. But looking at Chan does make it worth it, his hair is all messy and his lips are so red and he’s never looked better.
“I wanted to ask if maybe you want to marry me,” says Chan.
Seungmin does a double blink and then sits up straight. “What?”
“I just think I’d be a good husband, yeah, and I want to. I want to be your good husband.”
He is so adorable when he says this that Seungmin can’t think of a single response. His head is blank. Forty one days inside a chrysalis and two orgasms later and he has lost all ability to reason.
“I thought a lot about it when you were gone.”
“I—” Seungmin takes a breath. Marry. Like marry. Like marriage. Like settle down and get rings and be buried in matching tombstones.
“I don’t need an answer, I just wanted to tell you because it’s all I’m thinking about right now.”
His stupid, selfless little puppy. Why would he propose in a moment like this? When Seungmin is all sleepy and disheveled and totally nonsensical? Only a dog would do it.
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
Seungmin nods. “I’ll marry you.”
Chan jumps up and omits a howl so loud that Seungmin can feel it reverberating inside his own head.
“Sorry, sorry,” he says as he crawls back into bed with him, smothering him in a kiss. “I’m just really happy.”
Seungmin kisses him back. “Me too,” he says, scratching the special spot behind Chan’s ears. His arms go around Chan, holding him in place, feeling his body strong and full of love and Seungmin couldn’t be happier.