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"Listy, what the smeg do you think you're doing?"
Rimmer watched incredulously as his bunkmate continued to clean their suite - Lister had never been hygienic in his life and here he was with a smegging feather duster of all things!
"What d'ya think I'm doin', ya smeghead? I'm cleanin'."
Rimmer slowly stepped closer to Lister as he visually scanned his bunkmate for any obvious signs of insanity, like a blood-covered axe or a gingham dress. (Those still haunted Rimmer in his nightmares - he would never look at a penguin the same.)
Lister spun on his heel and grabbed Rimmer in a tight hug, resting his dreadlocked head on the taller man's shoulder. The hologram found himself unable to get out of the very much unwanted embrace as Lister began to dance around the room, leading the pair in a waltz.
"KRYTEN! Something is very, very wrong with Lister! HELP!"
The android bumbled in, holding a pile of laundry which he promptly dropped at the sight of Rimmer being dipped in a tango by Lister.
"Oh my goodness- Sir!"
Kryten was befuddled by the display of affection being shown by Lister towards Rimmer. The hologram looked fearful for the man's safety - his whole reason for being chosen as Red Dwarf's main hologram was for keeping Lister's sanity and this was absolutely not sane in the slightest!
"Mr Lister, sir, might I suggest you let Mr Rimmer go and perhaps we perform a medical scan on your brain to check for euphoric space parasites?"
Lister rolled his eyes, twirling Rimmer round and catching him in his arms before dipping him once again.
"Kryten, I'm fine! In fact, I'm better than fine, I'm smegging brilliant!"
Rimmer looked mortified; this was clearly the effects of some sort of brain eating parasite or delirium brought on by toxic gases or any number of things but the general consensus was that Lister was most definitely losing his sanity, much to Rimmer's intense dismay.
"Kryten! Do something! Get him to let me GO!"
Kryten immediately attempted to remove Lister from Rimmer, finding it rather difficult to navigate the twirls, dips and turns the smaller man was putting his bunkmate through.
"Sir, I really must insist that you let go of Mr Rimmer!"
Kryten lunged forward in an attempt to grab Lister's wrist, but punched Rimmer in the stomach instead.
"Kryten, you useless goit! Go get the portable MediScanner!"
Rimmer felt his heart leap and his head spin as Lister twirled him yet again around their suite.
"Listy, put me down. As the acting superior officer of this ship-"
"Arnie, will you shut the smeg up and just let this happen?"
Rimmer's eyes widened in panic at the use of the nickname - what was wrong with Lister?
"Let what happen? You're not making any sense."
Rimmer looked out of the corridor as they strutted past the door for any sign of Kryten or at this point, even the Cat, for smeg's sake. He was beginning to feel desperate; it had been a very long time since his parents had forced him to take dance lessons and he couldn't help being reminded of the punishments that came with it.
Lister finally stopped.
Out of breath or as close as he could get to that hologrammatically, Rimmer looked down at the clearly-insane man. He had the largest smile he'd ever seen in all the years they'd been bunkmates.
"Let what happen?! Answer me!"
Rimmer grabbed the front of Lister's leather jacket as he spoke, shaking him as he brought them closer together.
Lister leant forward and whispered, "This."
All at once, Rimmer felt the smaller man's lips on his, his hands around his waist, the gentle weight of him leaning against his chest as his mind exploded with questions.
And all too soon, it was finished. Rimmer found himself almost gasping for air as he looked Lister in the eyes.
“What. The. Smeg. Was. That?!”
Lister had a faint smile as he looked up at his panicked bunkmate; he could practically hear the echoes of Rimmer’s abusive parents from where he was stood.
“A kiss.”
Rimmer found himself almost-speechless. Was he really going to act like this whole situation hadn’t just changed everything for them?
“That was a lot smegging more than just a kiss, mi’laddo!”
Lister smiled again before placing his hands either side of the taller man’s face and standing on his tiptoes to kiss him gently on the tip of his nose.
“Fine, ya smeghead. It was a confession.”
Rimmer felt his cheeks redden at his bunkmate’s words. His mind began to race again as he remembered his father’s words when he had first attempted to broach his sexuality with him. People would hate them, they would be ridiculed or even attacked, it would never work between them. Yet, he couldn’t help but think about the possibility of being with Lister; if he was going to be honest, it wouldn’t have been the first time he’d considered the idea.
“Arnie, look at me.”
Rimmer made eye contact with the wonderful man who had just turned his life upside down.
“Yes, Dave?”
Lister smiled at the use of his first name before kissing Rimmer again.
“I love you, Rimsy.”
“I love you too, Listy.”