Chapter Text
Floofty: Calling Chandlo "daddy" is gross.
Snorpy: Stop kinkshaming me!
Floofty: Kinkshaming IS my kink.
Snorpy: ... *confused screaming*
Gramble: Why does everyone want to kill Filbo?
Beffica: Because grumpdammit, have you seen him?! His neck looks so... snappable!
Snorpy (or Eggabell): Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.
Chandlo (or Lizbert): But are you shuffling?
Snorpy (or Eggabell): Everyday.
Floofty: What language are you two speaking??
Shelda: What if mayonnaise came in cans?
Wiggle: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal.
Wambus: Good morning to everyone except those two.
"Buddy": Go big or go home!
Filbo: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.
"Buddy": I'm going big!
Gramble: *walks to cabinet, removes Oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!
Wambus: Hey uh, what are you doing...?
Gramble, shoving an Oreo into his mouth: Saving space!
Wambus: I've got some news to share: Triffany and I are... no longer friends.
Triffany: WAMBUS, THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL EVERYONE THAT WE'RE DATING!
Alegander: What's wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone's throat out, even more so than usual.
Clumby: Fucking Wiggle and Triffany were both trying to invoke one of the elder gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to all their grumpdamn chanting.
Filbo: That's it, I'm cutting off your internet!
Beffica: No, please don't! I have a family to feed!
Filbo:
Filbo: ...What?
Beffica: I need to feed my Neopets!
Wiggle, admiring a sleeping Floofty: You're so cute when you're sleeping.
Floofty, sleepily: I could kill you and make it look like an accident.
Wiggle, lovingly: I know, Floofty, I know.
Wiggle: It's illegal to look better than me.
Beffica: I guess we're all going to jail then.
Cromdo: I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.
Floofty: Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to articulate my own two cents on a conversation I had just so happened to overhear, despite me agreeing with the points they had discussed during said conversation.
Floofty: ...On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.
Triffany: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.
Wambus: Triffany, it's 1:15 am, what the fuck?
Triffany: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not?
Wambus: ...Well, I mean yeah.
Triffany: So come downstairs while they're still hot.
Wambus: Wait, you just made them?
Triffany: Yeah, I wasn't tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.
Wambus: Say "lightly fried fish fillets" one more time Triffany.
Floofty: Where is Snorpy, Chandlo, Wiggle, and Gramble?
Filbo: They're all playing hide and seek.
Floofty: Where are they hiding?
Filbo: ...I don't think you get how the game works.
Cromdo: Don't worry, I have a permit.
Lizbert: ...This just says "I can do what I want".
Alegander: Clumby, gather the others. We need to have another journalist-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention.
Floofty: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*
Wiggle: You can't just skip to the happy ending!
Floofty: I do not have time for all of their problems.
Alegander: It'll be fun.
Alegander: We'll make a day of it.
Alegander: Come on you punk bitch.
Clumby: I can't believe I have to say this.
Clumby: I don't have time to get tested for STI's with you tomorrow.
Wiggle: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.
Chandlo: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?
Beffica: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit. :o|
Filbo: Guys.
Gramble: Is Triffany always like this when she loses?
Wambus: Oh, yeah. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015.
Triffany: You bumped that table and you know it!
Filbo: Define "dream".
Cromdo: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.
Wiggle: That's too dark!
Filbo: Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Beffica: I only like dark humor.
Filbo: ...Oh, okay!
Filbo: *turns the lights off*
Beffica:
Filbo: What do you call a fake noodle?
Beffica:
Filbo: An impasta!
Beffica: Filbo, turn the lights back on. ]:o(
Floofty: Hello there, I'm Snorpington's emergency contact.
Counter Woman: You're here to pick him up?
Floofty: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.
Chandlo: Where did you get that tomato soup?
Wiggle: It's actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.
Filbo: I bet you're wondering why I gathered you here today; we need to have a talk about how some certain Grumpuses aren't getting along with other Grumpuses in Snaxburg.
Wambus: Why did you say that so vaguely? Me and Gramble are literally the only ones you called in here.
Chandlo: *is visibly upset*
Snorpy: Chandlo, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out Candy Land wasn't an actual country.
Wambus, leaving: I'm going to kill that Wiggle!
Gramble, following him: You WHAT?!
Floofty, completely monotone: Stop, don't, come back.
Filbo: She called me the B-word.
Beffica: Fuckface doesn't start with 'b'.
Snorpy: Ooh, somebody has a crush~
Floofty: Ugh, I do NOT have a crush on Wiggle, I just think that she's an interesting lady! Why, it isn't as though I stay awake all throughout the night thinking about her.
[Later that night...]
Floofty, very much awake: ...Oh dear.
Shelda: Impossible burger? Please.
Shelda: Through Mother Naturae, all things are possible.
*At a speed dating event*
"Buddy": Oh wow, people are really shallow.
Floofty: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate?
"Buddy": *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet.
Floofty: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again.
Beffica: Get in, loser, we're committing vehicular manslaughter!
Eggabell: What’s your biggest fear?
"Buddy": I am incredibly arachnophobic.
Eggabell, under their breath: You don't want spiders to get married?
Beffica, whispering to Floofty, who's on the phone with Wiggle: Ask them something!
Floofty: How are you feeling?
Wiggle: Fine.
Beffica: Something personal!
Floofty: At what age did you first get your period?
Alegander: CLUMBERNUT, I NEED FOOD AT ONCE. PROVIDE ME WITH A GOOD MEAL.
Clumby: You know, there are other ways to say you want McDonald's.
Alegander: YOU WRETCH!! YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST ME?! I OUGHT TO HAVE YOU--
Clumby: *sigh*... What do you want?
Alegander: Two McDoubles and large fries, please. Oh, and an apple pie.
Eggabell: You have an impressive pain tolerance.
"Buddy": Thanks, it's the trauma.
Beffica: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can't?
Cromdo: Whoever has my voodoo doll, please kiss its forehead, I need it.
"Buddy": I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.
Beffica: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.
Alegander: This is getting embarrassing.
Clumby: "Getting" embarrassing? We're already there!
*Filbo is ordering a cake over the phone*
Shop Employee: Alright, and what would you like your cake to say?
Filbo, covering the phone to look at "Buddy": ...Do we want a talking cake?
Beffica: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch.
Floofty: What changed your mind?
Beffica: Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.
Gramble: Hey Wambus, what do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Wambus: If you say "addict-ionary", I swear I will cut you.
Gramble: ...I was going to say "high definition", but your answer's so much better!
Wambus: ...
Floofty: Cromdo, I sense hostility.
Cromdo: Good, because I hate you.
Beffica: I am going to need you to swear-
Filbo: Fuck.
Beffica:
Beffica: ...swear as in promise.
Beffica, in her emo phase: She was poetry, but he couldn't read.
Triffany: His name was Jared he's 19.
Wambus: When his parents built a very strange machine.
Chandlo, singing: Watch that scene, digging the dancing queen.
Snorpy, singing: Eyyyy, Macarena!
Filbo, proudly: Horrible job everyone.
"Buddy": I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.
Floofty: Everything will be okay. You can not stop it.
Wiggle: Everything'll be fine. You have no choice.
Snorpy: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that?
Floofty & Wiggle: Ominous positivity.
Chandlo: You know what's funny about Snorpy? He's my boyfriend, and anyone who'd hurt him is someone I'd kill, probably.
Filbo: You use humor to deflect your trauma.
Wambus: Awww, thanks-
Filbo: That’s not a good thing.
Wambus: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.
Floofty: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.
Floofty: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.
Filbo: Live, laugh, love!
Beffica: Die, cry, hate.
Filbo: Is five a lot of followers?
Lizbert: Depends on the context.
Lizbert: On the Grumpernet? No, not a lot of followers.
Lizbert: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers.
Wambus: Triffy's gonna kill me.
Floofty: No, she'll probably make me do it.
Alegander: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.
Cromdo: Fine! Judge all you want but...
Cromdo, points at Wambus: Married a lesbian.
Cromdo, points at Eggabell: Left your babe at the altar.
Cromdo, points at Chandlo: Fell in love with a conspiracy nut.
Cromdo, points at Floofty: Threw your wooden leg in the campfire.
Cromdo, points at Beffica: Lives in a cave!
Snorpy: Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”?
Floofty:
Floofty: ...Should I not have?
Beffica: We wouldn't last two minutes without Filbo.
Beffica:
Beffica: Don't tell him I said that.
Wambus, teaching Cromdo to drive: Okay Cromdo, what does a green light mean?
Cromdo: Go!
Wambus: A red light?
Cromdo: Stop!
Wambus: And what about a yellow light?
Cromdo: If you floor it, you can make it!
Wambus: ...No--
Floofty: You're alive.
Snorpy: There's no need to sound so disappointed.
Beffica: iuegrukfhoeuhfeoruhf
Triffany: What is that?
Beffica: it’s a keyboard smash
Triffany: How do I do it?
Beffica: just press anything lol
Triffany: 7
Wambus: Triffany likes to win. When she was 8, a little Club Scout friend of hers bragged they could sell the most cookies.
Wambus: Damned if Triffany didn't walk the neighborhood till she got blisters on her feet, and won by 10 boxes.
Wambus: Best part is, she wasn't even a Club Scout.
Beffica: I think we can be evil. As a treat.
Filbo: We?
Beffica: We. :o)
Floofty: You call yourself my soulmate, but where were you when my meme only had four likes?
Wiggle: Making four accounts.
Floofty, tearing up: Really...?
Snorpy: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Floofty: Literally or figuratively?
Snorpy: Honestly, the fact that I even have to specify...
Beffica: We can either bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes OR bake them at 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Chandlo: Beffica, no, that's not how you make cookies.
Beffica: FLOOR IT?!!
Chandlo: NO--
Beffica: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Chandlo: BEFFICA YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!
Beffica: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!!!!
Chandlo: BEFFICA PLEASE!!!!
Floofty: I have been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the "power nap" button. I don't set up alarms; I set up timers, Snorpington.
Snorpy: Well, I remember when Chandlo made a romantic dinner for me!
Floofty: Snorpington, he microwaved you a pizza; a particularly cheap frozen pizza, at that.
Snorpy: ...Your point being?