Archive of Our Own

Mizi was like the sun. 

That’s what Till told Ivan when the latter asked him what he liked about her; a question he suddenly sprang on him on their way back home. 

Bags filled with heavy textbooks and assignments weighing down on them, the faint chirping of cicadas could be heard in the distance as their footsteps echoed on the concrete path. Each step they took was slower than the other, as if to drag out the moment forever in avoidance of all the work that awaited them. 

Till blinked, caught off guard by how it’d come out of nowhere. He tilted his head in confusion before he decided to humour him. It was like a dam had broken from somewhere within him when he opened his mouth to reply, words uncontrollably flowing out of his mouth with no sign of stopping soon. 

She felt like the sun to him, the way she brought warmth and light to his life, how she seemed so unreachable at times because of how radiant she was. Sometimes, Till felt as if he’d burn up if he got too close to a goddess like her. She was his muse, and he was nought but a moth that was drawn to her flame. 

He felt his face grow warm, not just from the heat bearing down on them. Till forced himself to stop before he embarrassed himself any further. “So yeah, that’s about it. I guess…” Till trailed off, awkwardly scratching his cheek, eyes trained on the ground. He could feel the weight of Ivan’s gaze on him, twin abysses that seemed to bore into his soul. 

“Hm? I see,” Ivan said. A rather lukewarm reply after such a heartfelt response. 

“That’s all you have to say?” Till looked up at him in disbelief.

“It was just something that popped into my mind. Just a passing question,” he replied as he tilted his head up to look at the sky, the sun. “Your secret’s safe with me though! Mizi and Sua aren’t hearing a word of this.” Ivan reassured Till with a smile, his fingers mimicking a zipping action over his lips. 

There it was. The pacifying smile Ivan always gave to people for pleasantries, when he wanted to avoid something, that fake smile he always hid behind. Eyes closed as his eyelashes fluttered in the wind, lips pressed together as it tugged upwards, snaggletooth poking out from in between. A cute and demure smile meant to catch people off guard. 

Till didn’t get it, why even bring it up in the first place if he was going to be so evasive after hearing his answer? He tried thinking of possible reasons for Ivan’s behaviour drew a blank. 

He knew he couldn’t be sulking at the prospect of a potential love rival; there was no way he was interested in Mizi, he wasn’t even interested in girls. Ivan had casually dropped that on him when they were hanging out at his house in their last years of middle school. ‘I think I like guys,’ he’d said in a tone as if he was commenting about the weather. 

Maybe it was because Ivan hadn’t had the chance to feel what it was like. A crush, an all-consuming love that filled you with life. And Till would know if he had a crush on anyone; best friends always told each other about these kinds of things after all.  

Ivan was like a puzzle that Till could never solve, the complete opposite of Mizi who was like an open book, feelings and secrets all written in it for the whole world to see. Every time he thought he had him figured out, he’d come back the next day to find that the puzzle had evolved again, become even more complicated and twisted as he sat himself down and tried to fit the pieces back together. 

Whatever.

He’d look past it just this once. 

Till gave an exaggerated groan, “You better keep your word.” 

“Of course, I can’t lose my newly acquired blackmail material so fast after all.”

“Huh? What was that?” Till reached up and hooked his arm around Ivan's neck, giving him a noogie as he messed up the neatly styled hair the raven always had. 

“Oops, didn’t mean to say that out loud.” Ivan chuckled. He lightly tapped on Till’s arms as a sign of surrender as the latter let him out of his hold, softly thumping Ivan's shoulder with his fist for good measure. 

Till let out a sigh, ready to move on and change the topic. But Ivan suddenly started aggressively coughing into his hand. He paused in his steps and looked at him in concern, hands floating around, unsure of what to do. “H-Hey, you okay there?” 

It was just a little bit of roughhousing they usually did, he didn’t accidentally injure him or anything did he?

He watched Ivan straighten back up, wiping his mouth with his clenched fist, “I just choked on my spit.” His voice sounded a little hoarse. 

Till knew that he’d probably choked after their fooling around but he still felt a little guilty. 

A blur suddenly entered his field of vision as Ivan unexpectedly waved his hand in front of his face. Till instinctively took a step back. “What the hell?” He sputtered in shock.

“Relax, it’s just saliva. Really.” Ivan fished out a pack of tissues from his bag with his free hand, using it to clean the other before shoving it into his pocket. “C’mon, let’s go. We’ve got a whole mountain of work to catch up on.” He nudged Till with his elbow before walking again. 

Grumbling under his breath, Till stomped after Ivan. He secretly let out a sigh of relief seeing that he seemed to be back to his usual self. 

Ivan was weird. 

Always had been, even if almost everyone else said otherwise. What they all didn’t know was that they’d fallen for the mask that he’d crafted to perfection after years of practice. 

Till still vividly remembered their first meeting. He was the new kid in class, the unfortunate one who entered slightly later into the school year because of his family issues. He awkwardly stuck around the back of the classroom, watching the rest of his classmates run around and laugh in their little circles when Mizi approached him. A bright smile on her face as she introduced herself before enveloping his hand in her soft ones, dragging him out of the classroom to meet her friends. 

And he wouldn’t deny it, Till felt a little intimidated back then when he first saw Ivan and Sua, twin blank expressions directed at them.  

“They’re cousins!” Mizi had whispered, wispy breaths tickling his ear. The resemblance had been obvious enough to him at a glance, but he still nodded, thankful for the clarification. 

Sua’s face remained empty even as she greeted Till, her disinterest evident to anyone who had eyes to see. “Don't worry about Sua, she’s just shy,” Mizi reassured him with a pat on the back, and Sua’s face had softened just a little bit. She didn’t seem that bad, he supposed, though something in his heart told him that he was best off staying on her good side as much as he could. 

Then there was Ivan, whose eyes still looked so blank, even with the small smile he had on his face. His eyes were like blackholes, all-consuming; void of light — lifeless. It left Till slightly unsettled. It reminded him of the people his father used to mingle with before he escaped with his mum. But Till was nothing if not determined! His mum told him to make new friends at school, and he wasn't about to disappoint her. They were going to be good friends! He was sure of it. 

Ivan turned out to be a rather strange kid, and Till didn’t get him sometimes. He’d pick up the weird bugs crawling around the garden with his bare hands, staring at them with those huge bug eyes of his and shoving them into Till’s face, their six legs grossly squirming in the air as Till held back his scream. He’d shove the flowers Till pointed out to him into his mouth, and Till would have to wrestle with him to get him to spit it out, grin on his face all the while. 

Weird. Capable. Even perfect. Ivan could be described with many words. Till had seen how he’d painstakingly worked on that mask of his over the years; expectations of his guardians weighing down on him as he pushed himself to build up the image of an impeccable model student; top grades and athletic, well-kept and approachable, the perfect student that every teacher dreamed of. 

Sick was definitely not a word Till would use on Ivan. He was anything but that, in the peak of his health as he triumphed over all his opponents in sports, towering over most of the school. Hell, he doesn’t even remember if he’d ever seen him take a sick day off for school before. 

Yet, there he was coughing again. A sight that had become more common over the past few weeks. 

“Everything okay there?” Mizi softly asked, voicing out the question they all had floating in their heads, worry clear in her voice.

Ivan vaguely waved his hands at her as he straightened back up in his seat, “Don’t worry about it. My throat’s just been particularly irritated these few days.” 

“You better be taking good care of yourself,” Sua said as she stared dead into his eyes. 

Ivan gave a dramatic gasp, “Of course I am! What do you take me for?” He pouted and placed his hand on his chest in faux shock. Sua furrowed her brows, clenching her fists. She looked ready to throttle him right then and there; the desk between them was the only obstacle that stopped her from doing so. 

Mizi leaned closer to Sua, lightly bumping into her shoulder and the tension seeped out of her, like air leaking from a balloon as she slowly relaxed again. 

“I mean it,” she threw out, pointing at Ivan one last time for emphasis when she got up from her seat to head back to class before the bell rang. 

Like Ivan said, it was probably just an irritated throat, an annoying cough that usually took forever to go away. It made sense. But Till just couldn’t get his mind off it. 

It was like the tiniest sliver of a splinter that had embedded itself in your skin, something that would eventually fall off and solve itself with enough time. Yet it wouldn’t stop bugging at Till, who kept picking at it, messing around with it as it further burrowed into his mind.  

“Mum?” He called out when he finally got home that day, slipping his shoes off his feet and unceremoniously dumping his bag on one of the chairs at the dining table. 

Her head popped up from behind the sofa that faced the television, hair pushed back by a hairband. “What is it, sweetie?” 

“Do you know any remedies for sore throats?” Till crossed his arms on the back of the sofa, propping his head on them as he peered down at her. He snuck a peek at the book she was reading, barely catching the lines of how a character called Heperu was brutally murdered. 

His mother hummed in thought as she reached out for the bookmark on the table, sliding it between the pages she was at, “Are you unwell?” 

“Uh, no. Just– Just curious, that’s all.”

“Drinking some honey lemon might help.” She looked up at him and continued, “I don’t know if you remember, but you once had a pretty nasty sore throat when you were younger. You even threw a huge fit because you didn’t want to go to school while your voice constantly cracked when you spoke!”

“Muuuum please,” Till loudly groaned, cutting her off before she could continue with her story.

She giggled, crow's feet wrinkles appearing on the edges of her eyes. His mother softly pinched his cheek, no real heat behind the action. “Okay, but my point is, it did help to speed up your recovery back then. So you could try that.” 

Making honey lemon sounded simple enough for him to work with, Till thought to himself with a small nod. 

“Thanks!” He turned around and grabbed his wallet from his bag, waving at his mother as he ran out of the house once again. 

And if anyone asked him about the thermos flask sitting in the middle of Ivan’s desk the next day, Till didn’t have anything to do with it. 

Mizi… probably liked Sua. 

The realisation started out slow, gradual. With him starting to pick up on things he never had before, and it all came crashing down on him, like how the waves slowly receded before the huge wave of a tsunami rolled in. 

Till honestly had no idea how he didn’t realise it sooner. He’d thought it was just one of those ‘girl’ things; the way they were practically glued to each other, as if the concept of a personal bubble didn’t exist between them, the accessories they had that always seemed to match. 

But once he started noticing it, he couldn’t unsee it. All the fleeting touches and lingering gazes. The way Mizi looked at Sua as if she’d hung up the stars in the sky. Even if they weren’t together, it was clear as day that there was something going on between them. 

Groaning into his hands, Till flopped onto his bed. He felt like such a fool. Pining for someone who had no chance of being interested in him at all. The flames from Mizi’s radiance had really burned him alive from how close he’d flown to it. 

Till had never been more grateful for the summer break in his entire life. He felt like he was hanging on by a thread, and he didn’t know how he’d hold up if he saw either of them. It just felt so ridiculous. How could he have been so blind this whole time? 

The realisation had hurt but Till felt frustration more than anything else, frustration at how he’d been so ignorant. The way he’d purposely ignored all the signs blaring right at him. The way he’d deluded himself into thinking he even had a chance, only seeing the sides of Mizi that made him happy, never actually making the effort to try to get to know her more. He really brought this upon himself, and it ate away at him, gnawing on his flesh and bones, devouring him whole. 

Till needed something, anything, to occupy the empty space in his brain. Something to take his mind off everything. 

The days passed by in a haze as Till threw himself into his music, only stepping out of his room when his mum called him out for meals before he shut himself in it again. 

The initial shock from his discovery passed by relatively quickly and Till found that he felt oddly at peace with the fact now. It still stung, much like an open wound that was starting to scab over, but it was fine. His friends were happy with each other; who was he to rain on their parade? He would get over this. Eventually. 

The sound of his phone vibrating with the arrival of a new message snapped Till out of his thoughts. He picked it up for the first time in days. Till winced, scrolling through the wall of notifications that had built up in such a short span of time. He felt a little bad ignoring all the messages that were sent in their group chat when he was usually among the first to react to the silly TikToks that Mizi loved to share with them. Till was sure that the rest would understand, but the guilt still ate away at him. 

Going back to the top of his screen, Till saw the latest message he received from Ivan. 

Ivan: till, till. do you wanna go to the planetarium?

Ivan: i’ve got some spare tickets! ( ✌︎'ω')✌︎

Till’s eyes lingered on the invitation extended to him. A trip to the planetarium sounded like a good way to force himself out of this spiral; stop himself from staying cooped up at home, and get some fresh air for once. 

Till: Sure.

Till: Meet you there in an hour?

Ivan: okiee ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Till stepped into the bathroom to freshen up and let out a sigh when he saw his reflection in the mirror. His hair stuck out in every direction and his dark circles were so dark that he looked like a panda. Ugh, he looked absolutely awful. 

An hour was barely any time at all when he still had to change his clothes and travel to the planetarium. Whatever. Till could still work this out. He splashed water on his face and threaded his wet fingers through his hair in a pathetic attempt to tame it. He still looked like a mess, but at least he didn’t look like he’d just rolled out of bed. 

Till threw on a random set of clothes from his closet, grimacing at how wrinkled the top was after coming out of the wash. Grabbing his bag from the floor, he flew out of his room, saying a quick goodbye to his mother by the kitchen counter. He faintly heard her telling him to stay safe outside as he closed the door, missing the relieved smile she had on her face. 

“Wow, you look like shit,” Ivan said in lieu of a greeting as he reached out to ruffle Till’s hair. He looked like the complete opposite of Till — immaculately dressed as always, his black turtleneck and slacks free of creases, not a single strand of hair out of place. 

“Hey! Stop it, asshole! I lost track of time, so I had to rush out.” Till threw out a vague excuse, batting Ivan’s hands away as he carded through his hair to fix it.

“We could’ve pushed back the meeting time a little, you know. I invited you on such short notice too.” 

“It’s fine, really. Had to settle some stuff on my end. I’ve had a lot on my mind, so this is nice.” He had briefly considered that but decided that it wasn’t worth inconveniencing the other over when they’d already set a time to meet. 

“You want to talk about it?” Ivan offered.

“Nah. Anyway, where’d the tickets come from?” Till quickly changed the subject as they walked to the counter. He appreciated the thought, but he didn’t want to think about it at the moment. 

“Oh, I got them from Mizi,” Ivan dug his phone out from his pocket and flashed the tickets at the staff, nodding in thanks when they were granted entry. “She was going to go with Sua today but she’s sick. At least they won't go to waste now!”

“Ah… I guess I should thank them too then,” Till mumbled. Seemed like the tickets were originally for a date they had planned. Just his luck. 

Ivan must have caught on to his sudden drop in mood again with how quickly he’d changed the conversation topic, “C’moon, let’s look at the exhibitions. We definitely have to check out their movie dome later. They’ve got a meteor shower special today and I heard it’s to die for!” He grabbed his shoulders and steered Till forward. 

“Someone even said that it made them feel like one of the dinosaurs from back then, whatever that means,” Ivan added with a giggle. 

Till raised an eyebrow at that. “You sure that’s not something you just came up with?” He asked, a hint of a smile tugging on his lips. 

“Of course not! What do you take me for?” Ivan huffed out with a pout. 

Walking around the exhibitions with Ivan actually felt pretty nice; he always had extra trivia and fun facts on hand to add on to the display they were checking out, filling up the empty gaps of silence between them. Till had always enjoyed his company, but this felt different — more intimate. Perhaps the past week had him feeling more sensitive than usual. 

The room they were currently in was mostly dark. A few spotlights illuminating the model of the solar system that sat in the middle of the room, small LEDs sprinkled across the rest of the walls and ceiling

“You know, the sun’s actually super noisy. We just can’t hear it because space is a vacuum,” Ivan said in that gentle baritone voice of his, one that Till wouldn’t mind listening to for extended periods. It was smooth, like a balm over his wounded soul, a perfect fit for those ASMR and meditation videos Till used to come across online. 

Ivan turned to face him with a small grin on his face, small flecks of white from the lights reflected in his black eyes, like the stars in the night sky that he loved so much. He was breathtaking, bathed in the soft glow of the spotlights. 

Wait.

Ivan? Breathtaking?

Well, objectively speaking, Ivan was a good-looking guy. Handsome, most might say. He was one of the most popular students in the school for a reason, receiving confessions and love letters every other day. Till even caught wind of a fan club being formed. Breathtaking was another word that aptly described him, he supposed. 

“Hey, you listening?” 

Till blinked, snapping out of his thoughts. “Yeah. You were talking about the sun being noisy and all that, right?” He said, recalling their previous conversation. 

“Nooo, we’ve already moved on from that! I was saying that–” The sound of the PA system’s chime rang out, drowning out whatever Ivan was saying. It seemed like the show was starting soon. 

Ivan gasped, practically shaking with excitement. “We gotta go!” He grabbed Till’s hand, pulling him along. His hand fit snugly in Ivan’s grasp, its heat warming up his cold fingers. 

Till let out a small laugh, “Okay okay, you’re gonna tear off my arm at this rate.” 

They made their way through the exhibits, following the signs that hung from the ceilings until they finally reached a pair of large doors leading to the movie dome. 

As Ivan reached out to open the doors, Till spotted something off from the order of his eye. It was a couple standing near the end of the walkway, the lady hunched over, curling in on herself. He heard the faint sound of the doors opening as Ivan tugged on his arm and called out to him, “Till?”

He wanted to turn away; it wasn’t his business to get involved in. But he couldn’t move, his feet were bolted down to the ground; body held in place by strings he couldn’t break free from. “Sorry, it’s just– That person, she doesn’t seem well,” he found himself saying, arm raised as he pointed in her direction.  

The loud sound of coughing and retching suddenly echoed out in the relatively empty walkway as they caught sight of a barrage of flowers and petals stained crimson tumbling out of the lady’s mouth. “Hey, seriously, hanahaki? Here of all places too?” The man beside her shouted, grabbing his head in frustration as he slowly stepped back from her. “What’s wrong with you!? You can’t just do this to me…” 

Bile rose up Till’s throat. How could he say something like that to someone who was clearly suffering? The rejection only caused the woman’s retching to intensify, as she started wheezing loudly. Her coughs sounded wetter and the flowers that fell out of her mouth were all dyed red, its original colour indistinguishable under the blood. 

Till felt faint tremors from where their hands were still loosely connected and willed himself to tear his eyes away from the gruesome scene, tilting his head to look at Ivan. The latter already had his body turned away, his hand covering his mouth as his body lightly trembled. 

Seeing such a horrible sight must have terrified him; even Till felt shaken by it. Till opened his mouth, ready to comfort Ivan when he saw it. A flash of red and yellow in his palm. 

It couldn’t be.

It all happened so fast. He saw Ivan shoving the handful of flowers in his pocket and quickly averted his eyes, turning away. Till’s mind blanked and he didn’t know what he should say or do. It was as if he had cotton wedged in his throat, all the words he thought of saying sticking onto its walls like glue. 

Two staff members came rushing in, silencing the outburst as they tried to salvage the situation. Then came the announcement, reverberating overhead, informing guests that the planetarium was closed for the day not long after. It was over.

The pair slowly trudged back to the station, an uncomfortable silence filled the tense air as the scene they had just seen lingered in their minds. So much had happened in just the past hour, it was a complete opposite of the distraction Till was looking for. He couldn’t get his mind off the incident. But it must have been worse for Ivan; he was probably horrified.  

Did he… Did he see himself in the girl who got rejected? Becoming a spectacle to everyone who watched on as she struggled to breathe her next breath. Till shuddered at that thought. No one should ever have to suffer through such excruciating pain. 

He didn’t know if there was much that he could do but at the very least, he could offer his support to Ivan who spent the day trying to cheer him up. 

“That guy was such an asshole! And he was so rude about it too!” Till exclaimed. Ivan's shoulders jerked in surprise and he turned to look at Till in confusion, as if wondering what had brought on this sudden outburst. “Don’t you think so? I wouldn’t do anything to make someone suffer like that, ever!” He hoped that Ivan knew that he’d always have his back no matter what. 

A brief silence passed before Ivan replied, “Yeah, you’re right!” He smiled, but Till could tell that it was forced, the strain and exhaustion evident in his eyes. 

“Come on. Let’s get some dessert at the cafe nearby, my treat.” He grabbed Ivan’s hand and pulled him along, renewed vigour in his step. He silently let out a sigh of relief when he saw the smile on Ivan’s face turn more genuine.

Ivan had hanahaki. 

Till knew what he saw at the planetarium, but he couldn’t wrap his head around it. He’d never seen Ivan take an interest in anyone before; it was hard to believe he could ever feel for or love someone so strongly that the illness had the chance to bloom and fester in him. 

He wondered how long Ivan had been carrying that garden of his. If he ever thought of telling him about it, confiding in him about it. Perhaps that was why Ivan kept coughing a few months back. Was he a bad friend for not noticing the signs earlier? 

Till was at a loss; he’d lost his chance to ask about it the instant he decided to keep quiet and look away when they were at the planetarium. But it didn’t feel right to bring it up at such a tense moment, while their hearts were still in disarray. And asking him about something as serious as the disease over the phone just didn’t feel right. 

So, he waited. Surely Ivan would eventually talk to him about it, right? Or at least maybe talk to him about his crush? 

There was no way that Ivan would do something so stupid as not doing anything and wasting away as the disease consumed him whole. Till knew that he shouldn’t keep thinking about it, yet he couldn't help but worry about Ivan. 

It wasn’t until the break ended that Till saw him again. 

Ivan was seated at his desk by the window as he casually flipped through the book in his hand. The breeze gently tousled his hair, making him look like he’d just jumped right out of the romance manhwas that Till read in his free time. “‘Sup, how’ve you been?” He asked, taking the seat in front of him, leaning over at his desk. 

“I’ve been fine, did you miss me that much?” Ivan cooed out in a sickly sweet voice that had Till rolling his eyes. 

For a moment, he started to doubt himself. Ivan seemed to be right as rain; he sounded and looked okay. Maybe his eyes had played a trick on him back then. It was a pretty horrific scene that they’d witnessed back then, but he didn’t think that it affected him that much to the point that he hallucinated his best friend having the same disease too. 

Till decided, then and there, that he would keep an eye on Ivan. Sneaking glances at him whenever he could — during class, during lunch break, even when they were walking. He watched out for him to make sure that he was available to help if needed. 

But it wasn’t enough. What if he had a sudden flare-up and no one was around to help! 

That was when it came to him: he could ask Ivan to tutor him and help him out with their school work. Till wasn’t proud of it, but his grades weren’t exactly the best, and they’d been slipping even more with how distracted he’d been recently. Meanwhile, Ivan held firm to his place as the top student in their grade; he didn’t know how he even managed, juggling his studies on top of his duties in the student council as well as his other club activities. It was perfect! 

TIll brought up the idea to Ivan the next day who instantly agreed, saying that it was about time that he started focusing on his studies whatever the fuck that meant. It’s not like he was his mother! 

But either way, it all worked out. Till gave himself a mental pat on the back. He had to be a genius for coming up with such a foolproof plan! Not only could Till catch up on his work, he could also keep an eye on Ivan and try to fish out details on his crush so he could try to help Ivan out too. 

Ivan was not subtle at all.

Sure, he might have been tight-lipped about his crush and his current situation, not letting anything slip. But it was all clear as day to Till. 

It was about a month or two into their tutoring sessions. They were taking a short break after finishing up a math paper when Ivan suddenly asked him, “Do you want to try kissing?” 

Till almost had to do a double-take, gaping at him in shock. What was he saying! Was he giving up on his crush already? Till didn’t know how he felt about being a rebound option for Ivan, even if getting over said crush would work in his favour. 

“As practice for when you get together with Mizi!” Ivan hastily added on as he tapped on his lips. It was such a flimsy excuse. Didn’t he know that Till had already moved on from her? He’d barely even gushed about or fawned over her since their break had ended, far too preoccupied with keeping an eye on Ivan instead.

Then it dawned on him. Of course, why didn’t Till realise it earlier? 

Ivan was clearly asking for practice for his crush, using Mizi as a convenient excuse to cover it up. Till thought that most people would have preferred to save their first kiss for a special occasion, but maybe Ivan wanted to impress whoever his crush was instead. He should have seen that coming! 

His eyes flicked around the empty classroom, then back to Ivan and his plump lips. He looked so relaxed, sitting on the table as he gently swung his feet back and forth, almost as if he hadn’t just asked Till for a ridiculous request. 

Ivan was bathed in the golden light of the sun setting behind him; he looked like he was glowing. He looked ethereal.

If it was Ivan, Till supposed he didn’t mind. He was just helping his best friend out after all, making sure that he was properly equipped to woo the hell out of his crush.

“O-Okay. Let’s do it.” 

Till took a step forward, closing the distance between them. He felt his heart suddenly speed up, loudly thumping in his chest as his nerves got to him. Till took a deep breath. It was just a ‘kiss between bros’, what was he getting so worked up for, it’s not like it would actually count anyway! 

Slotting himself between Ivan’s legs, he placed both arms on the table to support himself and stopped a few inches away from his face. This was the furthest he was going. Ivan was going to have to do the rest of the work; he was the one who asked for help after all. 

Till closed his eyes and awkwardly puckered his lips, waiting for Ivan's move. 

A few seconds passed, but nothing happened. This couldn’t have been some elaborate set-up by Ivan to prank him, right? Till almost got back up when he felt it.

The gentle press of Ivan’s lips on his. 

It was a lot softer than he had expected. 

Till mentally counted to three — three seconds should be good enough practice for Ivan. He began to pull away, but a pair of hands suddenly landed on his cheeks, holding Till’s head in place. He felt Ivan’s snaggletooth graze on his lips before he lightly nibbled on them. 

And the fucker actually had the audacity to slip his tongue into his mouth when he gasped in shock. Ivan’s tongue pushed against his, trailing across every inch of his mouth as he deepened the kiss. Till most definitely did not groan or keen into the other's mouth, no matter how good the kiss felt. 

How the hell was he so good at this! Wasn’t this his first time kissing too? Was Ivan doing this to gloat at his face? 

Damn it, damn it, why did it have to feel so good? 

They finally parted when the need to breathe was too strong, Till’s hands finding their way to Ivan’s shoulders as he pulled him off and took a step back. He looked away, hand hovering above his warm face as he caught his breath.

All Till could hear was the sound of his pants and the beating of his heart roaring in his ears. The taste of Ivan lingered in his mouth, the faintest floral aftertaste dancing on his tongue. Taking another deep breath, Till shifted his gaze down to the floor, pausing as he caught a not-so-little problem he had in his pants. 

Fuck. 

There was no fucking way this was happening. He absolutely could not let Ivan find out about this; he would never let Till live it down. He couldn’t even turn his body away to hide it; it’d just end up drawing attention to the stupid tent in his pants. 

If anything, he was already lucky enough that Ivan hadn’t caught sight of it yet. Till desperately tried to will it down, distracting himself with thoughts of their homework and assignments. But it was too late. 

“Need some help with your little problem there?”

Till’s head whipped around so fast it almost snapped. “I could help you gain some experience and practice for your technique if you’d like.” Ivan shifted his weight to one of the arms propping him up, slowly spreading his legs as he stuck his tongue out.

What the actual fuck. Has he lost his mind?! 

Till felt his face flush, burning hotter than ever. 

“Wh-What are you talking about!” Till hurriedly grabbed his belongings off the table, shoving them into his bag and did what he knew best — he ran.

His footsteps echoed through the halls. 

He ran; ran from how much he liked and enjoyed the kiss. Ran from how he’d perked up in interest at the thought of being intimate, at the thought of doing It with Ivan. Ran from how the thought of Ivan being intimate with someone else made him taste bile at the end of his throat.

He had to be going insane. 

Till was not gay.

Even if all the ‘Are you gay’ quizzes tried telling him otherwise. 

What happened was a normal physiological reaction to an enjoyable kiss, wasn't it! It didn’t necessarily mean that he liked his best friend or anything. Even if the thoughts he had after weren’t exactly the most normal. 

Fed up with the results he got from the quizzes, Till turned to online forums instead for reassurance. He scoured through posts with situations that were similar to his, but the replies to the posts were all almost exactly the same

> my guy. idk how to break it to you but i think you like him.

> You just gotta embrace it and accept it, man. 

> Bro, you should just confess at this point honestly 

He turned his phone off with a sense of defeat. Okay. Fine. Maybe he did hold some feelings towards Ivan that weren't purely platonic, just the tiniest bit. But it’s not like it mattered anyway. Ivan liked someone else. Liked them so much that it was killing him. 

The floral aftertaste from their kiss haunted him like a ghost, clinging to his taste buds even after he’d eaten dinner and brushed his teeth. They served as a grim reminder that Ivan was living on borrowed time, that Till could lose his best friend if his crush didn’t get a hint any sooner. And whoever it was, he’d better pull through! Ivan was quite literally the perfect boyfriend — he had good looks, good grades, and he was rather decent at cooking and cleaning too. Anyone who rejected him had to have something wrong with their mind.

Till sighed. Consulting the internet wasn’t good enough; he needed clearer answers and opinions. He sat on his bed, racking his brain for ideas. Perhaps he could try asking Mizi and Sua. They were probably his best bet at untangling the mess that was his heart. 

Yet all this left him with a far more pressing problem: How was he supposed to act around Ivan the next day? 

Oh God, he grimaced. What if he was expecting some feedback from Till but didn’t manage to get any because of how he ran away? His hard-on probably told Ivan everything he needed, but still! Or what if he didn’t care since it was just a practice kiss, a trial run? Should he just greet him like he normally does? 

Troubled thoughts plagued him through the rest of the night as Till tossed and turned in bed until the sun rose. 

When he saw Ivan at school, he was at his seat, looking up and greeting him with a small smile when Till entered the classroom. He seemed to be acting like he usually did, as if the kiss had never happened. Alright. Till could do that too, it wasn't like he had the second biggest crisis of his life over that or anything. 

Even with one issue solved, Till was still left with his plan to consult Mizi and Sua, but it was easier said than done. 

They weren’t in the same class, so their timetables were completely different. Their breaks only lined up twice a week. Only then could they meet for lunch, alternating between their classrooms as a gathering place. And Till was not going to talk to them about it in front of Ivan. Meeting up after school was just as hard when everyone had their own clubs and activities to attend to. 

After two whole weeks of being tormented by his brain and increasingly unhinged thoughts about Ivan’s lips, his chance finally came when Ivan told him that they were going to have to put their tutoring sessions to a pause. With the preparation for their school festival picking up, the amount of work the student council had was also piling up. And Ivan, the poor workaholic, has to deal with all that paperwork during their breaks and after school.   

Till watched Ivan make a beeline for the exit the moment class was dismissed before heading out soon after, walking towards the girls’ classroom with a sandwich in hand. He opened the door, only to be greeted with the most blatant displays of affection ever. 

The two of them were practically cuddling, Sua draped over Mizi as they both shared a set of earphones, watching a video on Mizi's phone. Till awkwardly stood by the doorway. It was like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t be privy to. He honestly didn’t get how they were able to act like this when there were other people still in the classroom too. 

Forcing himself to move forward, Till stiffly walked over and greeted them, the pair untangling from each other with much reluctance. Till had no idea how he had never realised earlier. In his defence, they weren’t this touchy back then. 

It seemed like something between the girls had changed since the last time Till saw them — it was nice to see some of the people in their circle had love lives that weren’t a mess — but that could wait. He had more pressing matters to think about now. He’d already more or less figured out the answer to his problem, but he just wanted the extra reassurance from them that he wasn’t jumping the gun. 

Taking a bite from his sandwich to ease his nerves, Till decided to bite the bullet and get it done and over with. “Uh. How did you guys, y’know– Realise you liked someone of the same gender?” 

Mizi gasped and started slapping the table in excitement. “Oh my god!” She squealed, attracting the attention of the students in the classroom. Till wanted to just explode on the spot and die. This was a mistake.

Making an apologetic gesture at her classmates, Mizi lowered her volume, loudly whispering, “It’s about Ivan, isn't it?”

“H-How’d you know?” He didn’t think he’d done anything to give it away so far.

“You don’t really have a lot of friends apart from us,” Sua deadpanned. 

“Sua! Be nice!” Mizi lightly smacked her hand. 

“Like, no offence or anything, of course.”

“None taken,” he said with a sigh. She wasn’t wrong, but she didn’t have to lay the facts out like that. Ouch.

“But anyway!” Mizi continued, waving her hands in the air, “I don’t really think there’s anything that makes it different? It’s just falling in love after all! You always want to be with them, want the best for them, and all that! Right?” She hugged Sua’s arm, nuzzling into her neck with a grin. 

“Mhm, I think he’d understand that very well too.”

“Oooh, because of what he’s feeling now, right!”

“Yep,” Sua nodded. “Right?” She turned to him, but the look in her eyes said something else. Almost as if she knew more than she was letting on, like she knew that it wasn’t the first time he’d fallen for someone.

…Oh.

Till frantically nodded and shoved the rest of his sandwich in his mouth, almost choking in the process. He slowly chewed on the bread, watching the girls exchange glances furtively, and he wondered how they even managed to have a whole conversation with just their eyes. 

Mizi suddenly got up, chair screeching against the floor tiles. “I’m gonna pop by the restroom for a bit, be right back!” Her voice weirdly cracked at the end as she bolted out. 

Silence fell between the two of them. Sua stared at Till as he swallowed down his food and looked back at her. It’s not like he had anything against her. But even after a decade of being friends, he didn’t really know what to say to her sometimes. 

“You know,” She said, finally breaking the silence. “He might not really show it, but Ivan’s a guy whose love burns too fast and bright, even at the expense of himself. He’s also really high maintenance, even if he doesn’t show it.” 

Till nodded, it wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. 

“So,” Sua propped her head on her hand, her other free hand slowly drumming on the table, “You better take good care of him and be there for him when he needs it, okay?”

Till’s answer was obvious enough, “Of course I’d do that!” He said. Wasn’t that a given? 

The smile Sua had on her face was one he never thought he’d ever seen directed at him, her eyes crinkled close, and her teeth shone under the fluorescent lights. The one mostly reserved for Mizi, only very rarely afforded to others, and now him too apparently. 

Till didn’t know why, but he felt like he’d just passed some test. It wasn’t like he needed anyone to tell him all of that anyway because he was always going to have Ivan’s back no matter what. Even if his feelings were unrequited. 

Till barely saw Ivan around these days.

He was spending an absurd amount of time in the student council room every day. Till knew that they were busy, but there was no way that they were so swamped with work that Ivan would have to spend so much time there. Unless he was using all that time doing something else instead… like trying to woo his crush. 

Then that would mean that he was also a part of the student council; Till was finally making some headway! 

Perhaps it was Luka, the vice president, who was well known for his pretty face and charming voice. Or it could also be Hyunwoo, the outgoing treasurer, who was also the ace of the basketball team. Till felt his gut twist itself into knots at the thought of Ivan flirting with another guy, giggling at some dumb joke he made. He wished it could have been him instead, the one to make Ivan laugh, the one who brought him joy. His blood boiled. Jealousy was not turning out to be a good look on Till. 

But still, it didn’t make sense to him. Ivan didn’t seem to be getting better at all. If anything, his condition seemed to be worsening. He was sitting out of their PE classes half the time, telling the teacher that he was feeling unwell or that his cough got worse again.

It felt like Ivan was slipping away from him, and Till couldn’t do anything but watch, powerless, as it happened right before his eyes. 

No. He couldn’t give up just like that, not when Ivan was still hanging on. Maybe all they needed was a push from an outsider to finally get the ball rolling. As long as Ivan was happy, Till was willing to do anything. He couldn’t stand to watch the one he loved suffer in silence any longer. 

The classroom was almost empty, most of their classmates darting out as soon as the bell rang, all too excited to let loose their pent-up energy. Yet, Ivan didn’t even budge from his seat, working on his practice paper the whole time. 

Till walked up to his desk, gently knocking on it to grab his attention. “You’re sitting out on PE again?”

“Yeah,” Ivan replied, looking up at Till. “This cough’s really stubborn, the infection might be more serious than I thought, I guess.” 

He wanted to call him out on his lie, ask him why he didn’t seem to be doing anything about his illness. How could he be so nonchalant about it? Ivan’s face was pallid, eyes sunken in, and the faint outline of dark circles hidden behind a layer of concealer could be seen if one looked closely. But it wasn’t the right time to ask him now, in the classroom, when a classmate or a teacher could barge in at any time. So Till would buy his lie, just one last time. 

“Okay… Make sure you get it checked, alright?” He said, hoping that it didn’t sound too forced. 

Ivan seemed to believe it at least, “Mhm, I’m taking medication for it, so don’t worry.” He gave Till a small smile. 

“Good! By the way, do you have time after school? There’s something I gotta ask you.” 

“I’ve got another meeting with the student council today, it’ll probably end pretty late too.” Ivan was clearly trying to brush him off, but Till was having none of it. This was for his own good. 

“I can kill time and wait around, it’s no problem!” He softly smacked his back in reassurance, turning to leave the classroom before Ivan could get another word in. Till sighed, walking along the hallway. He hoped that it would all be over soon.

The rest of the day passed by in the blink of an eye. Till’s eye twitched as he stared at the math question on his homework, and the unfamiliar formulas stared back at him. This had to be the worst way to pass time that he’d come up with. He glanced at the window, streaks of purple and pink painted the sky as the sun set on the horizon. It was getting late; surely they had to be done with their meeting by now. 

The door to the student council room opened just as he reached. “Hey!” Till called out, waving his hand. “Iva–” He stopped mid-sentence, catching sight of blonde curls instead of black locks. His hand awkwardly dangled in the air.

Luka turned to him, his gaze was cold and calculating, almost as if he was assessing him and his worth. Till held himself back from grimacing.

“Ivan’s cleaning up inside,” Luka gestured behind him and left right after. 

Ugh, what the hell was his problem? Till hoped with all his heart that Ivan had better taste than to like Luka of all people. He was so unsettling and off-putting, just a single interaction already had him feeling chills.  

The door opened again minutes later. Till looked up from his phone and saw a familiar figure finally walk out. “Till?” Ivan gasped, eyebrows cutely pinched together as he clutched his chest in shock. “What are you doing here?”

He got up, brushing his pants with a hint of a smirk on his face, “Told ya I’d be waiting. C’mon,” Till grabbed Ivan’s hand, fingers encircling around his slim wrist like a bracelet.

Pulling him along, they descended down the stairs and made a turn by the science block. Till led them to a small nook up ahead, shaded by the building and the surrounding raintrees. 

“Oh my, bringing me to a secluded place like this? What are you planning? Is this a confession?” Ivan asked with a lilt in his voice. 

Till almost scoffed, if only that were the case. That would have made things so much easier for Till, but he wasn’t about to put Ivan in a tough spot where he’d have to reject him. Ivan was going to be the one confessing this time. 

“…Huh?” The sound of footsteps trailing behind him stopped. 

Oh shit, he’d said that out loud. Till turned around in a panic. The expression on Ivan’s face was horrifyingly blank; he couldn’t read it at all. 

“Wait, no– I didn’t mean to say that,” he waved his hands around in a flurry. Till had to salvage this. “I just wanted to ask about your– You know.“ Words were failing him. The situation seemed to be going downhill, and Ivan just kept staring at him as he floundered about. 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go at all. He’d planned on making some small talk first, before broaching the subject. Not whatever the fuck this trainwreck was turning out to be. 

Till dragged a hand across his face, trying to regain his composure. “I just wanted to ask about your hanahaki,” he finally managed to say. “Sorry, I've known for a while, I just… just didn’t know how to ask about it. Please let me help you.”

Ivan didn’t respond. He just stood there, unmoving like a doll. “Ivan?” Till called out, a chill crept down his back as dread settled in. He walked closer to the taller male, and the sound of his heavy breathing got louder as he approached. 

“Hey, you okay?” Till took another step. And Ivan suddenly burst out coughing, his body swaying with each cough that was punched out. 

Fuck fuck fuck, Till didn’t think this was going to happen. 

Red flowers tumbled out of Ivan’s mouth — anemones, forsaken love, his mother had once told him — his hands did nothing to stop the barrage. Blood spilt from his lips, dribbling down his chin and splattering on the concrete floor, a grotesque imitation of the flowers that littered the ground. 

Ivan’s knees buckled and Till rushed forward to catch him before he could fall, his mouth resting by his ear, wheezing clearer than ever. Ivan’s chest pressed against his, rattling with each breath he tried to take. Till gently set him down on the ground, away from the blood, holding him up by the shoulders so that he could sit upright. 

He’d always talked big about wanting to be available to help Ivan out, to be there to support him, like a knight in shining armour, if he ever had a sudden flare-up or coughing spell. But now that it was actually happening, Till had no idea what to do. He couldn’t think of anything that could help ease the pain that Ivan was going through, utterly helpless. 

If only… If only he were the one Ivan held close to his heart. If only he could put an end to his suffering.

But all Till could do was hold on to the other as he gasped for breath. Put up a brave front when he coughed, swallowing the lump he felt every time he saw the bloody flowers slip out from between his lips. Till had to stay strong for him. 

Ivan shuddered as he let out a particularly hard cough, crumpling right after. Till’s breath caught in his throat, cradling the lifeless body in his arms. 

No, no, no! 

“Ivan…?” He shakily called out, but there was no response. 

Cold sweat dripped down his neck, fear taking root in his heart. 

Till lifted a trembling hand and placed it on Ivan’s chest.

An eternity passed. 

He finally felt it, so weak that he would have missed it if he wasn’t paying attention; the shallow rise and fall of his chest with each breath he took.

Ivan was still alive; he’d only just lost consciousness. 

The moments after went by like a blur to Till. He must have called the hospital because paramedics came rushing in at some point, ferrying Ivan into an ambulance, and they found themselves at the hospital. All Till could remember was the faint thumping of Ivan’s heart under his hand, anchoring him and reminding him that Ivan was still here, that he wasn’t gone. 

The door to the ward seemed to tower over Till as he stood before it. The doctor mentioned that Ivan was in the clear for now, but Till was afraid. He didn’t know how to face Ivan; not when he was the cause of his sudden flare up, the reason for the fear he saw swirling in Ivan’s eyes as he held him. 

Till took a deep breath and finally opened the door. The smell of antiseptic in the air was even stronger than it’d been in the waiting area. Ivan lay on the bed, unconscious; all the blood from earlier had been cleaned up.

If it weren’t for the oxygen tubes on his face and the IV drip by the bed, it would have seemed as if he were just taking a nap. 

Till sat down by the bed, exhaustion crashing in right after as the adrenaline pumping through his body died down. He wanted to be there for Ivan, to be there when he eventually woke up but his eyelids felt so heavy, drooping down no matter how much he tried to keep them open. 

Maybe he could just let his eyes rest for a minute or two.

Till groggily opened his eyes to the sound of the springs in the bed softly creaking, sheets shifting under his head. When had he fallen asleep? 

How was Ivan doing? 

He shot up at the thought of him, turning around to find that the raven had already regained consciousness and was now slowly propping himself up on the pillows. 

I'm so sorry. Why didn’t you say anything sooner? How long have you been suffering like this? There were so many things he wanted to say, to ask Ivan. But he didn’t want to overwhelm him. 

“How are you feeling?” He settled on asking. 

“I’m fine,” Ivan rasped out. 

He didn’t sound fine at all. 

Till reached out to the bedstand and poured him a glass of water, watching him as he downed the glass in silence.

Ivan’s current condition was stable but there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t act up again if they broached the topic of his hanahaki. Yet there was no avoiding it too. 

Till steeled himself, ripping the band-aid off in one go, “You know, the doctor said it was a close call. That you could have died if we got here any later.” He willed away the tears that welled up in his eyes; he didn’t have the right to cry over this. Ivan almost died because of him. He had to fix this. 

“So, just let me know how I can help. Is it Luka sunbae? Or Hyunwoo sunbae? That’s why you’ve been staying behind for all those meetings, right?”

“Huh?” Ivan croaked out in confusion. 

Till clarified, “The one you have feelings for!” 

“What? No! I’m not interested in either of them!” Ivan looked horrified at the implication. 

“Then who is it!” Till grasped his hands in desperation, “Is it someone I know? Just tell me I’ll get him here. Please .” 

“It doesn’t matter, he’s not even interested in me.” Ivan looked away, brushing him off again. 

He didn’t get it. How could he be so nonchalant about the disease that was killing him? Did he not care about getting better? Was he just planning to die? Was that why he never said anything?

“I don’t care! I’ll make sure he does. I’ll do something, anything, to make sure he falls for you no matter what. I can’t bear to lose you.” He couldn’t hold them back anymore. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he lowered his head, eyes falling to where their hands were connected. 

How could Ivan treat his life as if it were something so trivial?

“Do you know how scared I was? I didn’t know if you were ever going to wake up.” Till sobbed out. His tears slipped between their fingers, slowly forming a damp spot in the sheets beneath. “I should have been more careful when I asked you about it. I’m so sorry…”

Till looks up at Ivan, begging, eyes glazed with tears; Just how much more did he need to do to convince him? “Please, just let me help you this once,” he begged, voice thick with emotion. 

Till felt Ivan’s hands twist, shifting around just the slightest bit so he could hold on to Till’s hands. Till looked up in surprise, rapidly blinking away the tears from his eyes. 

Ivan had his head turned away again, gnawing on his lower lip with so much force it turned white under his teeth. “Then, will you love me?” He begged, voice barely above a whisper.

Dumbly staring at their intertwined hands, Till’s thoughts were in a flurry as he tried to process his words. 

Ivan liked– No, Ivan loved him.

He held on tighter when he felt Ivan tugging his hands away, realising he’d been silent for too long. “But I like you!” He cried out in a hurry.

Ivan flinched as if he’d been hurt, protesting, “What about Mizi? I thought you liked her.”

The pieces were all falling in place. Till was starting to understand why Ivan never got better, even after he fell for him. 

“I might be a little slow but I’m not blind! I’ve seen the looks she exchanged with Sua, the way they hold each other — I’ve put it together. I got over her months ago.”  He looked straight into Ivan’s eyes, teal meeting black.

“You’re the one I want,” Till said earnestly, hoping his feelings would reach him.

“No, there’s no way,” Ivan denied.

He was clamming up again, closing himself away from Till.

“Why must you be so stubborn! Why would I even lie about this!” Till cried out.

“I know you’re just convinced of your feelings because I said that I liked you. There's nothing to love about me, you’re just confused! I know you don’t want me to die but–”

“I’m not confused!” Till cut Ivan off, blood boiling at how he’d even insinuate such a thing. “This whole time, I’d made my peace with the fact that you liked someone else. I felt so much guilt watching in silence as your condition got worse as the days passed, and I couldn’t do anything about it! You’re so–!” He let out a groan in frustration as he bent forward, kissing Ivan on his own accord.

If their first kiss was soft and slow, then this was the complete opposite. 

The salty taste of his tears mixed with his saliva, their teeth loudly clacked together as Till desperately grabbed the back of Ivan’s head, pushing even closer to him, as if to meld their existences into one if he could.

“You’re the only one for me. No one else.” He murmured, breath fanning over Ivan’s lips, resting his forehead against his. Till gingerly cupped Ivan’s face — his entire world — in his hands. 

“You love me...” Ivan whispered, awed. 

“I do,” because he did.

“I like you. I love you. I want you, need you. I don’t ever want to think about the possibility of losing you again. I want you to be mine. I hate the idea of you being with anyone else. I–” Till was stopped by a pair of hands landing over his mouth. 

“Okay, I get it!” Ivan squawked out, gently pushing Till back. His face was red, pupils dilated as his eyes shakily darted around the room, unused to such affection. 

It was a sight Till could get used to seeing.

Softly cradling Ivan’s hands in his, Till pressed a kiss on his palm. His hands twitched and Till’s lips curved into a smile, nuzzling into them as he watched him with a fond look. 

Always at his back, now sitting before him, by his side, hands cupping his cheeks. Ebony eyes gazing with their ruby cores, like stars; stars fallen from the night sky. His pale face shone upon him, framed by those inky curtains. The light to his path in the dead of night — his lover.

If Mizi had been like the sun, then Ivan was like the moon.

Ever wanting, ever wishing, ever yearning for his love; yet never speaking, never begging, never hoping for himself. He knew Ivan needed time to digest everything after he’d always believed that his love would never be fruitful, forever unreciprocated, like he wasn’t worthy of it. But Till hoped that Ivan would let himself be loved and come to love himself too.