Chapter Text
“I don't know Buck, I wasn't there.” Eddie says angrily as he walks out of the kitchen.
The words hurt, like a slap in the face. But the second Eddie left the kitchen, Buck realized. This was not about him– Eddie had even said it to his face.
Buck walked out to find Eddie on the couch, slow, unsure how to start. Eddie's head was in his hands, and Buck could tell he was crying.
“No, Eddie. You weren't there.” Buck's voice felt raw.
“Buck- I can't. Not right now.” Eddie said, defeated.
“No, listen.” Buck insisted. “There’s no changing that fact, Eddie. I.. I wish you were there too. Then I wouldn't have been alone, you wouldn't have been thousands of miles away having to hear that news alone. But we aren't alone now, we can grieve together.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that you make things about you... I- that's not what I meant. I'm glad you understood it. That I just want you, as Buck, to grieve with me.”
Bucks throat bobs slightly, “I didn't... Not at first. God, we are bad at communicating.”
Eddie laughs a bit, tears still running down his face. “Yeah, we are. Why are you trying to hold it together so much, Buck? You're checking in on everyone but it's like you aren't even here.”
Buck is quiet, he picks at the skin around his fingers, unsure if he can even bring himself to say the words.
Eddie looks at him, seeing the inner turmoil within Buck. Just below the surface, he could see the trauma that had been pent up for weeks.
Buck inhales heavily and breathes it out in a shaky huff. And suddenly it's not enough, he can't seem to breathe. His chest is constricting and painful. He digs his nails into his palms. His brain is buzzing and aching, black spots dancing in his vision.
“Woah, hey.” Eddie said, bringing himself to kneel right in front of Buck. He places one hand on Buck's shoulder, the other on his chest. Buck's gasping for breath, clearly having a panic attack. “C'mon Buck, breathe with me. I'm here.”
Eddie tries to guide Buck through, he pulls Buck's hand to his own chest so that he can feel his breathing. They sit like that for a while, and Buck calms down, eyes red and tears streaming down his face. He begins to try to talk, but it comes out gruff and dry.
“I-” he swallows thickly, brain fuzzy and it’s hard to form the words.
“Let me get you some water.” Eddie starts to get up, but Buck holds his hand to keep him here and just shakes his head. Buck pulls him to the couch but he doesn't let go of Eddie's hand when Eddie complies.
“D- don't go.” Buck says quietly, voice still raw and brittle. Eddie waits patiently as Buck builds up what he wanted to say.
“That night– his last words to me.” Buck began, unable to stop the tears from flowing again. He took a breath, his chest shaking, and Eddie squeezed his hand encouragingly. “He said I would be okay. That... That you all would need me.” Buck couldn't help it. He was crying again. “He told me he loved me. And Eddie...” He breathed and the next words came out as a sob. “I didn't say it back.”
Eddie pulled him in close, enwrapping him into a full hug as Buck cried. Eddie had tears streaming down his face too, heart breaking for their fallen father figure and for Buck. His Buck– who has been walking around with this for the past two weeks, knowing how heavy it must have been on him. And Buck clung to his shoulders, as if Eddie was going to be gone too. He could feel the tears seeping into his shirt, Buck’s soft sobs as Eddie held him.
And like that, Eddie felt like such an ass for the whole not telling Buck about the El Paso position. Granted, Eddie wasn't really wanting to take the job. He was home now, and taking it would be cementing his life in El Paso. He left El Paso for a reason. If he told Buck, he knew he'd be supportive... But telling Buck would make it that much more real. Eddie put it aside as something he wanted to talk to Buck about, when Buck was not breaking down in his arms.
“Bobby knew, Buck.” He said, rubbing his back. “I promise he knew how much love you have for him.”
Buck seemed to calm down and come more into his body. His face was on Eddie's shoulder, and he could smell his woodsy cologne in his shirt, a scent that was bringing him closer to being grounded.
Buck pulled back slightly, and Eddie gently wiped the tears from Buck's cheek and leaves his hand on his cheek, cradling the back of his neck with his other. Not sure what comes over him, Eddie leans forward and presses his lips to Buck, soft and tender. Buck, as if it was the most natural thing, leans into the kiss and deepens it slightly, still slow and sweet. When they pull apart they leave their foreheads touching. Bucks breathing is slightly heavy, and out of breath.
“Holy shit.” He says, almost disbelieving.
“What? Was that okay?” Eddie asks, Buck feels his eyebrows raise before Eddie leans back slightly, to get a read on Buck's face more. Buck blushes.
“No- it was perfect. Just- uh...” Buck hesitates, “Not quite something I expected from someone I thought was straight.”
Eddie chuckles slightly, “Yeah, well it felt right. I don't know what I am, but Buck– you, us. It feels right. Loving you, Buck, is so easy.”
“I- I love you too, Eds.” Buck said, pulling him into another long and slow kiss, exploring a bit deeper. He groans slightly when Eddie pulls back.
“Wait.” Eddie pauses and looks at Buck with a loving but suspicious look. “I know you, Buck. There was something else when you were saying that it wasn't something you expected from a straight guy.”
Buck groans. “Can't we get back to kissing? As I recall, you were the one that once told me that some thoughts are inside thoughts.”
“Yeah, around other people. Not me. And we aren't getting back to that until you tell.” Eddie crosses his arms stubbornly. And Buck groans, putting his head back and staring and the ceiling.
“I was going to say... 'Holy shit, Tommy was right."” Buck revealed, annoyed that Eddie was making him say that out loud.
“So you're telling me, we just had our first kiss and you were thinking of your ex?” Eddie asked, amused and smirking, no hint of anger.
“Hey, well you should be proud of me that I filtered my inside thoughts.” Buck said.
“I am,” Eddie said genuinely. “Right about him not being your last?” Eddie could tell by his expression that that wasn't it. “No, there was something else.”
“How do you know these things?” Buck groans.
“I know you, Buck. Spill.” Eddie says, leaning back. Buck pouts slightly.
“So... I may have had a hard time adjusting to you being gone and living in your house.” Buck begins, talking slowly hoping that it wouldn't set everything that just happened up in flames.
“Don't tell me you called him.” Eddie groaned, but Buck could tell that he wasn't upset by it.
“No, Ravi sent him my way after all I would talk about when we got drinks was you.” At that comment, Eddie smirked slightly.
“And you hooked up.” Again, not angry, just matter of fact.
“Uh.. yeah” Buck said, feeling slightly ashamed.
“And?” Eddie was genuinely curious.
“He said he was willing to give it another shot now that ‘the competition’ was out of the way. Which was you.” Buck sighed, “Then we got into a fight. And I may have told him something along the lines of ‘I don't have to have feelings for me to sleep with someone and I don't sleep with everyone I have feelings for’.”
Eddie doesn't say anything for a while, but he's grinning ear to ear. And then he busts out laughing, and Buck turns beet red. Eddie doesn't stop laughing, he's holding his sides and tears brim, but not from sadness anymore.
Buck watches on slightly annoyed at first that his best friend is laughing at him. Then he can't help it, he busts out laughing too, because now that he has said what happened out loud and to Eddie, whom he just kissed and had a mutual admission of love, it was hilarious.
“Oh-” Eddie exhales out a long breath, coming down from his giggle fit. “Damn that was good. I needed that. Never hold anything like that from me again.”
“God, you're such a jerk.” Buck is smiling, unable to hold back from absolutely devotedly falling deeper in love with the man in front of him.
“Yeah, yeah. But you love me.” Eddie waves off the comment.
“Yeah. I do.” Buck smiles, “And I told you what I was thinking, so can we—”
Buck doesn't have to finish his sentence before Eddie kisses him. Deeper this time, hot and passionate, lowering Bucks back to the couch as he's on top of him.