Work Text:
Four years it’s been since all of this happened, yet it still felt like a dream to Fei. “Master Tao... I’m sorry. If we were a bit better.. if I was better...” The tears that welled in his eyes. How his voice choked every time the topic was brought up. Fei put his head against the wall behind him. In his hand, the hair stick Tao had given before his passing. Simple wood stained dark with blue and purple paint over a flower that still caught the light. He played with it in his hands. His long hair down, over his shoulder able to touch the ground. Deep blue eyes full of tears.
Not many things would hit Fei hard. But this was different. Death always hurts. He felt awful hearing about any death. Like it was a painful reminder, everything can be taken in a second. He could take watching the ones he loved get hurt. Fei knew they could stand back up, and he’ll be there to help. But somehow, death never felt real to him.
How his emotions got numb after it.
How he couldn’t eat
How it hurt to breathe.
Just thinking about it made his chest tight.
Fei’s throat strained for a breath. It’s been four years, and he’s about to breakdown from the thought of his mentor, even though when Master Tao first died, Fei seemed normal. Continuing on like nothing happened. Day after day. People called him heartless. Said he didn’t truly care about his mentor’s passing.
Maybe it was finding the tapes. Maybe it was the newspaper clippings and information in the spiral.
Fei just tried to stay quiet. For once in Heavenhold, it’s peaceful. ‘Just be quiet.’ He thought to himself. It’s been so chaotic he couldn’t make it worse. His legs to his chest. Head hitting his knees, tears falling on his clothes. He felt sick. Fei was hiding in the barracks, trying to pull himself together. The slightly rough hand pushed from the wall to his side. His long black hair bent over the wooden drawer in front of him. He was just thinking. “Why is this happening... I don’t want this... I don’t want this!“ He didn’t mean to yell. His eyes slightly flickering. The memories... something he could never describe. His hands to his mouth as he bent back down to the floor. Hair slightly over his face.
He could hear the words, feel the wind, the sounds around from that day, but he couldn’t see it. He couldn’t even picture his mentor’s face. “Just one last time...” His voice whispered to no one. Fei just wanted to see Master Tao one last time. Just one more time that’s all his heart wanted. Not just the memory of his voice, the words, slight amused chuckle every time when he and Mei made an odd mistake. Yet seeing him was impossible. Fei always struggled with remembering the picture part of life. He saw nothing every time he tried. While he got used to that, remembering from sounds and kinda just what his brain knew. And that was fine... but Fei would do nearly anything to see him one last time.
Fei was so lost in thought that the knock on the door when right pass him. Fei just wanted to feel alright.
Standing in the doorway was Eva, 19th Captain of the Guardians. A tray in her hands. “Homesick?” Her voice made Fei flinch, where a shiver fell down his spine. “What?” The tray had some peppers on the side, rabbit soup, and some rice. His heartbeat was fast like in battle. They never really talked. “Are you homesick?” Eva asked, putting the tray on the drawer and sitting by him, not close, but barely out of arm's reach. “Not really, just... a little loud down there.” Fei slightly lied. At least Eva was a little amused. “That party is really loud, isn’t it?” She said so calmly. Eva had seen this behavior in new recruits; it was a little odd time. “You left without dinner.” She said, pushing the tray past him. “I’m... not really hungry.” Guilt was eating him up inside, leaving him with an awful nausea feeling. “Been thinking about someone... I just want to change it.” Fei mumbled, looking at the floor or wall. His head pounding from the emotions. Everything had been numb for so long. Eva sighed, shutting her eyes.
“I’ll give you three options.” Her voice was stern and a little cold, like when one of the guardians messed up.
And definitely not an amazing thing to hear from someone leading most of this operation. Fei felt a pit in his stomach. He wasn’t in the headspace to think clearly. Hell, he just wanted to go back to that first night around the fire with Mei and that dumb-faced knight. Take it from the beginning.
“We can talk about it, I can hang out with you in here without talking about it, or I can leave. All options mean you’re eating.” Her voice held firm in the air, yet oddly comforting. “I’ve watched you pick at food for the last few days. I know what you’re doing, giving it to Mei or others.”
Fei couldn’t help but laugh slightly, which was met by a stern look. “Sorry... you remind me of my sister sometimes. And... I think you should stay... I really should talk to someone about this.” He didn’t even finish before Eva had sat on the floor. The young master sighed and sat in front of her, only to be met by the tray of food. “Didn’t think anyone would catch on.”
“I’ve seen that before; I’ve heard your stomach growl a bit. You are eating. You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to, but the floor is yours if you do.” The pink-haired captain said, passing chopsticks to him. Which Fei reluctantly took. “I... just want to be okay.” He fiddled with the chopsticks, trying to distract his mind. “I was numb to it for so long... it hurts to breathe now. Master Tao... I just want him back.” Fei tried to wipe the building tears from his eyes. Putting his long hair on his back. Eva pushed a bowl of peppers to Fei. He loved peppers. They were just satisfying to eat to him. But just looking at them made him feel almost sick. You aren’t getting past how stubborn Eva is, especially when it just hurts to think. Fei picked one up, wiping the tears from his eyes before putting it in his mouth. The marital artist looked up to Eva.
“I’m not hungry. It’s for you. We’ll continue whenever you’re ready.” Her voice held calm. Tears falling from his eyes, pulling down his face. “Why do you care?” Fei suddenly asked. This was too much too suddenly. “You weren’t eating, staying inside, not going to the medic bay. I’ve… I’ve seen this before.” The captain's voice actually shook... Fei didn’t hear that often. Eva raised her eyes to his. “You’re not alone going through this.” Felt oddly personal. You avoided eye-contact in Shen City. Had a personal feeling to him even if it was normal in Kanterbury. The sun dipped in a way that made the room just a bit darker.
“I’d hate to make you uncomfortable, but I won’t just stand by and watch you starve from grief. They care about you, and so if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them.” Her voice was full of honesty. Looking into his eyes, with her hands shivering. “I think... my brain is broken.” Fei said, putting the chopsticks down. “You’re grieving. You jumped into this war a week after his death. Your mind blocked it out to protect you.” Eva had seen it so many times, but it never got easier. Watching the people she called comrades, friends even, go through this. The painful memories were held for way too long. “But I don’t want this now...” Fei’s voice strained by memories. His hands slightly tighten as his breathing gets tighter. “Everything's doing f-fine. I should have moved on... I should have better control.” Fei had shut his eyes. He could still hear it all. He just wanted to see his mentor one last time, not this fading memory of his mentor that made him feel sick. Breathing in and out slowly, through his nose out through his mouth. “It’s alright to cry. You’re processing.”
“I’m not. This feels useless. It hurts.”
Fei couldn’t calm down. His heart felt like it was pounding against his ribs. Slightly blurred everything. Eva put the chopsticks on the tray and moved it out of the way. “You carried it for four years. You’ve done amazing on the field, learned so much, and I know he’d be so proud. That’s something you know, too. You didn’t stop to process anything. You still need to process it.”
“B-But why now? Why now... What’s wrong with me?” Fei pleaded for an answer that’s not there. In his head this didn’t make any since. Tears fell from his eyes. Blue eyes now shining in the light. Hands slightly shaking.
“Nothing. You’re not crazy, you always cared, you’re just processing.” She took his hands, holding them tight.
Fei took a few breaths. It was easier with something to focus on. His face was stained by tears that couldn’t stop falling. “I’m sorry.” His voice choked. “Don’t be. You’ll get through this.” Eva said calmly. It was awful to see him like this. Sure, they weren’t the closest, but they were often on the field together. Eva saw the passion in his eyes, how his movement was fast and yet elegant, dance-like fighting style he has. “I-“ Fei paused, finally meeting her eyesight. Her red, stone-cold eyes that had a slight yellow glow from her mana that seemed just a little deeper.
“I can’t do this right now.”
He cried, bringing his head down. His grip giving in. Slightly leaning forward. Eva caught him. Bringing his head to her shoulder. Hesitantly putting her hands on his back. The tears dripped down her armor to the cracks where they seeped into the clothes underneath.
“Then we don’t have to.”
Fei nodded. He couldn’t put it together. Fast breathing that made him shake. They sat there. The sun is going down slowly. It was darker and colder in the room. No one really came down the halls, but soon others would, to go to sleep. “God, I’m weak.” He mumbled in her armor. “You’re not.” She said calmly. He pulled back. “I just cried on you... for...” He looked at a clock. “Two hours?” “I’ve had guardians cry for much longer.” She said no hesitation. “Ready to eat?” He nodded a little.
Slowly, he put a pepper in his mouth. Using the crusty sound to distract himself. Eva just sat there. It was comforting having her there, but he felt kind of awful that she’s there. “Why?” He asked. “What?”
“Why?”
He looked up into those eyes, trying to promise himself he won’t look away. “Does it matter?” She asked. “I-... It-“ He let off a sigh. Breaking away back to the now cold food. Eyes slightly darken. Eva sighed softly. Her hand, cold as always, cupped his face. “I won’t stand there and watch such a warrior destroy himself over guilt on something he could never have prevented.” Her left hand drawing through his hair. Bring his head up so their eyes lock. “You look away a lot.” She said. “It feels slightly personal.” “This is a very personal conversation.” She said so calmly it made shivers run down his spine. Tried to look away, but she pulled him back. “Listen to me. That was not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. Understand?” Her eyes cut through to his being. “Understand?” She repeated. “Y-Yes.” he said. “Repeat it.” She demanded. “It-... It’s not my fault.” He mumbled. She let go, and he pulled back. His cheeks are a little red. Her’s got a little as well when she realized what she did. “Sorry.” She mumbled. His eyes went back down to the food. Eva just stayed there with him. Sometimes talking, mainly silence. It was the first meal Fei had eaten in two months. The captain knew this one meal wouldn’t fix anything, but she hoped it would help him. Even if it just let him know he’d not alone.
It was now twenty-fifty. “Think you’ll be good on your own?” She asked. “Yeah... Thank you for this.” He said, watching as she got up. “Pop by my station if you ever need to talk.” She said at the door. Hand on the doorway. “I understand.” He said. “See you around.” “Goodnight.” he said back, watching as the door shut. He finished the rest of the broth and got into bed. “What have you done, Fei...” He mumbled.
Eva walks down the halls, nearly avoiding Mei. Not someone you wanna see coming from your room. Mei sped up, pushing the door open where Fei sat up so fast. “What happened?” She demanded. “Why are you crying? What did she do?” “What?” His voice dripped with confusion. “She came from this room, there're tears in your eyes. What happened?” She came over quickly. Sitting by. “Mei, we just talked. Calm down.” That just got her angrier. “About what?” “Mei, calm down. It’s late. We’re both tired. It’s just a talk. I skipped a few meals, and she was worried.” She seemed unsure. “I promise.” He said back. “Why were you crying?” she demanded. “I just kinda did. Please, can we end this?” She wanted to keep pushing, but backed down. The look in his eyes and his slight shaking told this was a bad time.
“Fine, but tell me if something's wrong.”
“I will.”
She got off the bed, stretching a little. Fei laid back down. Shutting his eyes as hers went to the floor. “Your hair stick...” She bent down. Looking at it. Fei wouldn’t be this careless. Mei put it on the drawer. Looking back at Fei, who had calmed down and was completely out of energy. “Tomorrow.” “Huh?” Fei looked over. “Nothing.” She walked to her bed. Laying down. “Night.” “Good night.”