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Hyung.
Shifting, fumbling in the dark. In the cold night air their bodies burn hot, like flint against steel, sparks flying where they meet. Their heavy breaths mix together, loud. Too loud. They’re always too loud. A car drives by, lighting up the room for a second, a cool glow sweeping over their skin, two silhouettes melting into one. Yushi lowers his head and drinks in Sion’s heat. Salty, like sea air.
He runs his hands over Sion’s stomach, rolling up his thin black tank. Sion’s muscles are firm, flushed, taut under Yushi’s touch. Sion’s body is beautiful no matter how many times he sees it.
Sion trembles at the contact. He looks at Yushi with those big round eyes. That gaze once made Yushi feel nervous, scrutinized, made heat rise in his cheeks and prick at the back of his neck. Now he can read the hunger in those eyes. Ushi-ya. Please. I need this. Now.
Yushi prefers to talk without words. Maybe this habit is rubbing off on Sion too.
Sion’s long sinewy body spreads out before him, slick with sweat. On the stage they sweat through their clothes, under the harsh lights, throwing their bodies into the performance, chasing that rush that makes their heads spin. Sion runs hot, like something’s burning just below the skin. Under his top Sion’s chest rises and falls with shallow breaths. His hair is damp, messy, half falling in his eyes, his gaze simmering underneath.
Five years ago. That mop of dark hair was peeking out over the sofa. Back then, Yushi came and left with the summer. When Yushi left, the world left him behind too. The people around him would disappear, replaced by new faces, strange, hard. Everything always moved a second too fast for Yushi to catch up.
Onii-chan. Yushi approached the boy on the sofa. The handsome trainee with round eyes turned to Yushi and Yushi’s whole world was knocked out of orbit and sent hurtling into deep space.
Onii-chan, cheeseballs please, said Yushi.
Onii-chan. Don’t leave me behind too.
Yushi's heart was pounding like a drum thudding in his head. This is important. You’ll remember this moment for the rest of your life. But he didn’t know why. Still doesn’t. Only that out of everyone, Sion didn’t leave.
Now that same handsome trainee is stretched over Yushi’s bed, imprinting himself onto Yushi’s sheets, his pillows, everything that smells of Yushi.
July. Before. The night Yushi could never forget. They collapsed together on this bed, too exhausted to even think. They used to pass out like that, showers and clothes and room assignments be damned.
Too tired for words. That was fine. Yushi likes to talk without words.
The summer night breeze was cool on Yushi’s skin. He closed his eyes and listened to the silence and Sion breathing and his own heart beating raw and close and the heat of Sion just there close enough to touch and nothing else was real.
Yushi reached out for Sion. He didn’t know if this empty feeling was love or loneliness or desire or something else too fragile to have a name. Yushi only wanted to be with Sion. Wants to be with Sion.
Yushi grabbed hold of Sion and hugged him close, pulling him in from behind so they became a tangle of arms and legs and he wasn’t sure where he ended and Sion began and if that loud thudding heart belonged to Yushi or Sion or both of them together, two boys sharing one heartbeat.
He pressed a kiss to Sion’s neck. Kisses fell in the in-between that was Yushi and Sion. Sometimes Sion would hug Yushi and a deep comfort settled into him, nestled in the wings of his - his what, exactly? - his not-quite-lover, not-quite-friend, his Sion. Sometimes the poles flipped, lurching between excitement and fear, Sion’s North Sea against Yushi’s North Star, and Yushi became antsy, swirling waves of desire crashing in his chest. Yushi held it inside. He didn’t want it to overflow, to burst out of him like an exploding star, and blow away Sion and the delicate web that trapped them both.
The electric charge between them trembled, flickered against the edge of desire, a warm hum under Yushi’s skin. He could feel Sion’s soft, full thighs pressed into him. He could see the long curve of Sion’s back, the thick veins running like rivers through his arm, the dark hot flush down the back of his neck. The god who sculpted Sion into being took care with every last detail.
Yushi turned Sion around so he could kiss his face. Sion was pretending to sleep. Yushi was close enough to see the faint freckles on his cheeks. Close enough to feel the soft trace of Sion’s breath on his own lips.
You’re a bad actor, hyung, said Yushi. Sion didn’t say anything, so he pressed a kiss to Sion’s pink mouth.
Sion’s eyes fluttered half-open. Ushi-ya, he said in his low murmur, so low you couldn’t even hear it. Ushi-ya, let’s stop pretending.
Pretending. That they didn’t think about it. What they could do to each other, when the lights went out. Who they could be, if they weren’t Sion and Yushi, the places their minds wandered to, places they couldn’t stop going back to even when they grounded themselves and said, Not this, not now. The things they stopped themselves from thinking, useless, treacherous thoughts stamped out and suffocated and locked behind heavy iron doors.
But it wasn’t enough.
Yushi kissed him again, and this time Sion kissed back, a sound escaping from his lips. Sion grabbed Yushi roughly, pulled him in, like a wave pulling him to shore, breaking him on the rocks, on Sion’s hard edges, as if Yushi’s body could surrender and dissolve into his, as if the heat and press of their bodies could forge them both into something new.
Ah.
I don’t want to hold it in anymore.
And Yushi burst into a supernova.
⭐️
One week later.
Hyung will take care of you, Sion said. He was kneeling, a dark mess of hair between Yushi’s legs. Lips swollen, mouth wet. Sion likes to keep his mouth busy. A shock of pink pressed against Yushi’s pale thigh.
Hyung loves taking care of people.
Strawberry, said Sion. He looked up at Yushi with his round eyes, a smile playing around his lips.
Yushi huffed. You’re so lame, hyung. Of course Sion would look this pleased with himself even on his knees.
Sion bit into the strawberry birthmark.
Mmm, he said. It’s sweet.
🍓
Now. After everything. Sion under him, lean, hot, impatient. Yushi can see in his eyes a list of complaints forming. Sion likes talking. He likes to keep his mouth busy.
Are you trying to torture me, Ushi-ya, Sion whines. Do you hate me.
Yes, says Yushi. I’m not going to spoil you today, hyung.
Sion whines again and throws his head back dramatically. His voice is rough, breathy, words spilling out between gasps. Ahh, fuck. I really want it, Yushi.
There’s something taboo about Sion swearing, the parts of Sion reserved only for Yushi, his pretty face flushed and messed up, his handsome body laid out, waiting. Yushi pulls off Sion’s top, deliberately hesitates at his boxers, tracing the waistband with his fingers, making Sion shake his hips in frustration. Cute.
Sion is too sensitive, in every way. He gets excited easily.
Yushi removes Sion’s underwear, runs his hands along Sion’s legs. He can’t resist squeezing Sion’s soft thighs.
Hyung, you’re so pretty, Yushi says, as if he’s stalling for time.
Sion lets out a groan and turns his face away, like he’s trying to hide his frustration from Yushi. His entire face is flushed red, ears burning. Shut up and fuck me.
Yushi grips him, spreads him open. He’s almost tempted to tease Sion more, maybe make a mess of those pretty thighs, save the rest of him for later. Or make him beg for it. A subtle smile crosses Yushi’s face. Sion hates being ordered around.
Sion eyes him suspiciously. Yushi is a little afraid of what will happen if he pushes Sion too far. He is the leader, after all.
Yushi pushes against Sion’s body, drags himself painfully slowly along Sion’s thick shaft. Sion tenses, squeezes his eyes shut, his mouth falling open in a dark O. He grabs the pillow and moans into it, a long low moan.
Maybe I do spoil him too much.
Yushi rubs himself against Sion’s twitching hole. He can’t drag it out any more. Sion’s already reached his limit.
Sion exhales sharply as Yushi pushes into him roughly, filling him, stretching him, fucking him. Yushi isn't gentle. He's too familiar with Sion's body. Sion shudders with each thrust, aftershocks rippling through his legs, his clenched fingers. Sion is generous. He gives himself, his body, his heart, everything.
Sion takes care of others. Only Yushi knows how Sion loves to be taken care of. How he gets the stress fucked out of him, how he lets his body unravel, lets Yushi take him apart and put him back together a little different from before, aching from the fullness, made and unmade over and over under Yushi’s firm hand.
Sion’s moans get louder and louder. Yushi loves seeing him, this raw Sion, desperate, greedy, Sion who begs and whimpers, twitches and shudders, Sion who can’t hold back, can’t hold himself together, can’t hold it anymore, Sion’s face so expressive you can read every shock of pleasure that rushes through his body, Sion swearing, undone, pleading, whining, moaning, thrashing, a dark red flush settled into his skin. Yushi covers Sion’s open mouth with his hand. He pushes Sion’s leg back against his chest, spreading him wider. He fucks Sion harder, deeper. Sion loves it. His body writhes, he’s melting, yielding to Yushi’s touch.
Hyung, you’re beautiful, Yushi says quietly. Sion. You’re so good, Sion. You take it so good. Sion is moaning, tightening, squeezing. Yushi likes to talk without words but now they fall freely from his mouth like kisses. Sion’s body twitches where they land. Yushi pushes through him, steady, unyielding, that slow deep burning pleasure rising and cresting and consuming everything so there’s only Yushi, Yushi and nothing else and Yushi hammering searing molten steel pleasure through his body and his mind turns blinding white hot and there’s nothing else and it feels so good it scares him, it feels so good he wants to die, and Sion surrenders his body and lets himself get washed out to sea.
Later.
Sion is exhausted, thoroughly fucked. Yushi made sure of that. He sees the familiar look that crosses Sion’s face. There he goes again… in three, two, one -
Seriously, you’re too hard on me, Ushi-ya…
Sion is full of grievances, as if getting his brains fucked out is just another inconvenience for him. We have schedules tomorrow too, you know? Do you know that? What am I gonna do, I can’t feel my legs… Ahh seriously, I’m a mess now, this is crazy…
You told me to, Yushi replies patiently, as if they didn’t have this exact conversation multiple times a week. And you’re the leader, so I follow what you say. He gets some water for Sion. Sion can’t complain with his mouth full.
Yushi holds the bottle to Sion’s mouth as Sion gulps and spills water all down his chest. Face flushed, hair messy. His soft round thighs are sticky.
Hyung is so cute.
Did he say that out loud? Sion doesn’t react, but his face and ears blush deeper, if that was even humanly possible. Hyung needs to check his circulation, all the blood goes straight to his head.
After he’s had his fill of water and complaining Sion immediately passes out. Yushi watches Sion hoard the entire duvet to himself while unconscious. He tosses his arms around, as if he’s learning choreography in his dreams. At least he doesn’t talk in his sleep. He must have finally run out of things to say.
You’re really a handful, hyung.
Tomorrow this Sion would be replaced with leader Sion, everyone’s Sion, but Yushi still has him for a few more hours. He closes his eyes, trying to ignore Sion repeatedly throwing a fist into his face.
His mind drifts to another Tokuno Yushi, a Yushi who never passed the audition. A Yushi that for some reason his thoughts keep going back to. Would he play football, go to college, would he still meet Sion in a different life? (No. It’s impossible. It’s impossible, but he can’t imagine Yushi without Sion.)
What if this Yushi and that Sion fell in love again? If they lived normal lives, if they went on dates, held hands, kissed in the sun and rain and by the sea and under the stars. If they lived in a Tokyo apartment or a Mokpo farm and drank bubble tea and coffee every morning, Sion’s bright gaze meeting his, their hands brushing slightly, his wide smile in the dazzling sun.
A parade of tiny Sions runs through his mind, little Sions with round eyes, chubby cheeks, messy hair, laughs like little squeaky bike wheels that make their bodies shake. I guess there could be a Yushi, too. A single little Yushi, staring with wide eyes, absorbing everything from the perplexing world around him. I like Sions, but one Yushi would be okay.
Yushi opens his eyes. He blinks, slowly. Stares at the ceiling. Listens to the sound of the world going by, and Sion’s gentle breathing next to him.
If this is the only world where we could meet, then I’m glad I’m here, hyung.
Yushi holds Sion close to stop him from punching, and falls asleep to tiny Sions holding tiny coffees.
☕️
Yushi wakes up to the sun in his face. He looks for his alarm which should have sounded, but it’s gone. Violently thrown across the room. Probably by Sion, who has conquered 80% of the bed in his sleep, his long body stretched over the mattress. This is why no one wants to share a bed with you, hyung.
Yushi pinches his thigh. No reaction. Sion will probably sleep through a whole comeback one day.
A suspicious quiet falls over the kitchen when Yushi shuffles through the door. The members have finished breakfast already. Which makes me and Sion the last to get up…
Well. That’s not good. Ryo kicks Saku under the table before he can even open his mouth.
“Guys, let’s not give Sion-hyung a hard time,” says Riku, summoning all his strength not to laugh out loud.
“Yeah, he was up late last night,” adds Jaehee unhelpfully.
Saku with all his tactfulness points at Yushi and says loudly, “So we can't give hyung a hard time but he can?”
Yushi blinks. He points back which is his instinctive response to being pointed at. “Sakuya’s a baby, this is a grown-up conversation,” he says. Riku covers Saku’s ears while Saku yells “I STILL HEAR EVERYTHING.”
“At least you guys can't say I’m always late anymore,” says Jaehee.
Ryo points too, like they’re in some kind of pointing contest. Yushi resists the urge to point back at him as well. “Yushi’s laughing.”
“I'm not,” says Yushi, putting on his blank face, though he’s pretty sure it isn’t working. “Sion’s tired.” That technically was true.
“I heard he didn't get much sleep,” Riku says, dissolving into giggles. Yushi fixes him with his aggressively blank look. Riku immediately turns his face away.
“You guys are gross,” chimes Saku. “You're grosser,” Ryo chimes back.
Sion stumbles through the doorway, hair all static, and grunts a good morning. In the kitchen are his two great loves, Yushi and the coffee machine. Ushi~ Sion sings huskily, and reaches out for Yushi’s waist. Saku makes a barfing noise. Sion gives no reaction. Maybe he’s tuned out the frequencies of Sakuya’s voice and can’t actually hear him anymore.
Sion sits down. “Sorry guys, I was up late talking with Ushi,” he says with a totally straight face. He completely ignores the looks of disbelief that meet this announcement and starts wolfing down his rice.
How can he do that? Hyung is amazing.
“Since it’s Yushi, Sion-hyung must have been doing most of the Talking.”
“But Yushi Talks a lot when they’re alone.”
“Yeah, you guys were Talking really loudly.”
“I need someone to come over and Talk to me too,” Jaehee sighs.
“You can always Talk to me,” Riku says innocently.
Sion shoots them all his death glare, especially Saku who hadn’t even said anything. Yushi would have laughed if he wasn’t Suspect A, B and C in the Sion Oversleeping incident, so he says nothing.
“Well, Yushi does need a lot of care,” Ryo says in his conclusive way.
“No I don’t. I’m the one taking care of Sion-hyung,” Yushi states to no one in particular. Just for the record.
As the table descends into chaos Sion jumps up, ears burning red, and yells at everyone to shut up and get ready to leave.
🌷
Later. On a shoot, there’s always downtime. Sion’s handsome as usual, looking composed in a pretty suit jacket. Quite the difference from last night.
Yushi hovers over Sion’s shoulder, pulled as usual by the invisible thread that anchors him to Sion. (Some days that thread is a silk ribbon. Some days it’s a leash.)
Sion catches him. Ushi’s clingy today~ he hums.
Sionie seems more relaxed today, Yushi murmurs back.
Sion, pained, runs a hand through his hair. Yah, I’m still your hyung.
Yes. At work, you’re still hyung. After dark, well…
Sion sighs. The members haven’t stopped teasing him since he woke up. Why are you bullying me, Ushi-ya?
It’s revenge. Hyung stole my duvet.
I always take care of you, hyung, Yushi says, pinching his side. Like yesterday.
Sion swallows and walks, almost runs, to the other side of the set.
Their manager, who doesn’t get paid enough for this, watches them and rubs his forehead. Something's up with Yushi and Sion today, and he has a feeling he doesn’t want to know about it.
“It’s gotta be the SM water,” the manager mutters to himself. He makes a note to put the two in different dorms next time. Like that will stop them, but damn, what can anyone do about it? There’s a reason DO NOT SEPARATE was written in red marker on their trainee profiles. Now they walk around like each other's shadows, and all the staff glance at their manager, questioning, Are they…? Yeah. Don’t ask.
“Aishh these hyungs,” Saku groans. “Manager-hyung please, let me transfer to another unit, please please please. I want to be the oldest.”
“You should join NCT Babies because you’re a baby,” Yushi says, maturely.
The manager sends Saku a helpless look that seems to say, The other units are worse, Saku.
“I wish these two had debuted with Riize instead.”
Yushi throws Bubblenyang at his head and Saku immediately takes off running. “Guys, please,” Sion calls after them weakly. Sion already wants to go home and they’ve been at work for less than an hour.
“Hyung,” Yushi complains. He started it. Sion is Saku’s substitute parent and he needs to take care of it. Sion takes care of everything.
“If we debuted with Riize? Wouldn’t Yushi be the maknae?” Sion says and laughs like this is the most hilarious thing in the world.
“Only by a week,” Yushi replies unamused, which is even funnier to Sion for some reason.
Now Sion is explaining to the camera that Yushi used to be a baby for the 1000th time. We all used to be babies. So what. Yushi thinks back to before all of this, the dark mop of hair peeking over the sofa, the handsome trainee with round eyes who derailed his entire life. He wonders if Sion’s world stopped too, just for a moment. If Sion saw him as anything more than another disappearing face. If Sion ever imagined they would come this far together, that they’d still be here, after everything. He wants to know, but he’s afraid that he won’t like the answer. Even now there are things that are hard to say.
Sion talks about their trainee days, bright and warm as always. I was roommates with Sohee, he says, we ate ramen together with Yushi, he says. Yushi was a baby, but he was so good, it was scary. He was the best out of all the trainees… Sion loves to talk. His words pour out, brilliant, like sunshine.
Yushi watches him. Those long trainee years, flying back and forth. The faces who disappeared. How many years, how many faces? Yushi grew to love the other trainees, desperate, scrawny, even though they would disappear too. In the end, Yushi would be the one to leave them behind. Maybe that was what it was all for. To be the one leaving, not the one left behind.
Then there were the Lastart days, when he was always with Sion, when he only had Sion, Sion and the stress that consumed him. Late nights in the practice room, exhausted, pushing his body, he didn’t know what else he could do. They stayed up all night, just talking. They talked about everything and watched the sunrise, they let go of things that couldn’t be said, twisted regrets that floated away and dissolved into the dawn.
It’s okay, Sion said to him, I know, I get it, you did great, Yushi, you did really good.
The careful words that saved his life.
Yushi fell in love with him then. Or was it earlier? The day they met. Round eyes. The world, knocked off balance. That could have been love, too. Yushi’s not sure what the difference is.
Yushi reaches for Sion. There’s something he has to say, something he never told him.
Thanks for not leaving, hyung.
He wants to say it out loud one day.
Sion gives him that warm, dazzling smile, and all his worries melt away.
Of course, Ushi-ya. Thanks for not leaving me too.
Yushi is confused. He’s never thought about leaving Sion. It’s not something he needs to be thanked for. Yushi stays by Sion’s side. That’s where he wants to be.
I love you, hyung.
The words don’t quite come out. He hopes Sion can understand.
Sion rubs his hand with his thumb.
Love you too, Ushi-ya.
Yushi rests his head on Sion’s shoulder. He breathes in Sion’s perfume, warm with a hint of salt, maybe the scent of Yushi still clinging to Sion’s skin. They steal these small moments where they can, glances, quiet touches, in between the cameras, the breaks in the script. Only a small moment.
It’s all they have.
Then Yushi releases Sion, and chases after Saku.
Nothing else needs to be said.