Chapter Text
‘Everywhere on this day, the after-war continues, as eternally as war itself.’
David Finkel -Thank you for your service
Rick is leaning against the side of the house when Daryl joins him. Their boots scrape the brickwork, their shoulders almost brushing. Smoke curls up from Daryl’s hand and lips, a cigarette now in the corner of his mouth.
The world is made out of ink and shadows. The moon is silver in the sky, casting a strange glow over the even stranger country side. There’s nothing they recognize. Everything seems hostile when covered by darkness. The night is silent around them, watching, waiting.
Rick scratches at his beard and then folds his arms. He doesn’t say anything.
Daryl sighs and tilts his head back so it thuds against the brick wall behind him. A gun is pressed into the small of his back, his knife on his belt, but the bow is still in one of the bedrooms upstairs. He’s glad not to have to carry the weight of it at the moment.
Rick puts his hands on his hips and glances at the hunter.
Daryl closes his eyes as he exhales, his breath silver in the dark.
‘He’s fine for now, in case you were wondering.’
Daryl opens his eyes again. ‘I weren’t. Of course he’s fine. It was a fuckin’ nightmare; we all get them.’
Rick looks down at his feet. He shakes his head before looking at his friend again. ‘He’s not okay, Daryl.’
‘Got his fuckin’ face slit right open, of course he ain’t okay.’
‘It’s not that,’ Rick says. He sounds exasperated. ‘You know it’s not that. Those kinds of things, those wounds? They heal. Others don’t. I know. Daryl, I know.’ He now steps even closer to his brother and puts a hand on his shoulder. The blue eyes are captured by the darkness around them, mere shadows of the bright irises they used to be. ‘With Lori… I was too late. Everything that had happened between us,’ he shakes his head. ‘The good just got crowded out. I couldn’t see it anymore, what a good mother she really was, how fearless a woman, how strong. The bad, it just dragged me right down. I couldn’t see the good for a long time but when I finally did… It was just too late.’
Daryl looks down at his boots. He lets his hair fall into his face.
‘I don’t know half of what’s going on between you two,’ Rick tells him in a quiet voice. ‘But you can’t give up now.’
‘Ain’t givin’ up.’
‘Then talk to him,’ Rick urges.
Daryl sucks on his cigarette and looks away.
‘I thought I had time. With Lori, I thought I had time to step back, to let things calm down enough to see things clear again. I thought we had time to make things right.’ Rick puts his hands in his pockets. He looks out over the fields, the darkness surrounding them. ‘I lost her because I thought we’d have time.’ He kicks a pebble away and glances at his brother. ‘Don’t make the same mistake.’
‘I know we’re livin’ on borrowed time,’ Daryl murmurs before he can stop himself. ‘Don’t know how to make this right though. It’s all fucked up good.’ He throws the cigarette on the floor. ‘I promised him they’d die screamin’ and they did.’
Rick meets his eyes steadily and nods. There’s no horror on his face, no regret and certainly no fear.
‘Ain’t enough,’ Daryl says. ‘It ain’t enough.’
‘No,’ Rick agrees. ‘Because that was the beginning. Not the end.’
‘I don’t know what to do,’ the archer admits.
‘Be there for him.’
It’s not that easy. Daryl knows it’s not because he’s already tried that.
The days after their escape from Genesis are all a blur. He doesn’t even want to think about them. They consist of memories best forgotten. Images of Benjamin stumbling away from the bike when they finally returned to their family and falling to his knees, blood dripping down his front. Of him being dragged into an abandoned house, being dumped on the kitchen table by Abraham and then held down by Rick and Eugene while Maggie dug a needle into his skin.
Daryl doesn’t want to remember his screams. How they were first pleads and then Daryl’s own name until they morphed into just sheer noise. Only pain, until he’d passed out because of it.
Something had been different about the younger man when he’d finally woken up again.
‘He doesn’t want me to be there,’ Daryl says. He bites down on his thumb and then stuffs his hands into his pockets to hide the nervous gesture.
They haven’t spoken since their escape. The first couple of days, Daryl had tried to catch his friend alone but there had always been a reason why Benjamin wasn’t able to see him or talk to him. He’d been asleep or getting his bandages changed, he’d been on guard duty, he’d been scouting the area, he’d been reading a book and didn’t want to be disturbed.
The rest of the time he’d just disappeared.
After three days, Daryl stopped trying. He got the message.
‘That’s what he thinks,’ Rick answers. ‘You’ve seen him. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t laugh, he barely even moves! He flinches at every touch. Carl gave him a heart attack by patting him on the shoulder yesterday. He’s scared, Daryl. Of course he thinks he wants to be left alone.’ His best friend sighs softly and leans with his shoulder against the wall. He digs the heel of his boot into the soft earth. ‘We had a girl once, back at the station. Got raped at a party.’
Daryl flinches at the word.
‘Female officers took her statement,’ Rick continues. ‘She hadn’t fought back much, thought it was her own fault it had happened. Hell, there wasn’t anything she could have done. 120 pounds soaking wet against a grown man? Never stood a chance once he’d made up his damn mind. She’d been brave enough to come in and report it. Came in with her fiancé.’ Rick bows his head, rests a hand on his gun and shivers. ‘We caught the bastard who’d done it. It was a long time ago, we were….’ He shakes his head. ‘We were young, right? Thought that was it. The case was solved, the records put into the archive. Justice was served.’
‘What happened?’ Daryl asks even though he already knows.
‘Sometimes justice isn’t enough. Not for those left behind.’ Rick meets his eye again. ‘She killed herself four months later.’
Daryl looks away. ‘What’re ya tellin’ me for? That ain’t him.’
‘No?’ Rick questions. ‘Look me in the eye and say it ain’t him in four months.’
‘It ain’t gonna be him!’
They both flinch at Daryl’s sudden raised voice. Rick looks around the darkness with baited breath. Silence beats between them. When it isn’t broken by voices or growls, Daryl slumps back against the building with closed eyes.
Rick shifts his weight. ‘It isn’t always up to us.’
‘What are you trying to say?’ Daryl asks, getting frustrated with this conversation. ‘First ya say I gotta be there for him,’ he scoffs at the words, ‘and now ya say I gotta prepare for his damn funeral?’
‘I’m telling you that you are losing him.’
Daryl sets his jaw. The muscles in his throat clench, tighten. He feels sick. ‘Ain’t,’ he manages to get out through clenched teeth.
‘He can’t even look at us anymore,’ Rick says. ‘He’s scared and he’s ashamed.’
‘He fuckin’ saved your sorry ass!’ Daryl explodes. ‘You’d be dead in a ditch somewhere if it weren’t for him, now don’t you tell me he’s got something to be ashamed of!’
‘That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that he is ashamed.’ Rick steps closer to his brother, head cocked to the side as he glares at the hunter, ‘you think he’s being rational right now? That he thinks; I saved my whole family from a terrible fate and they will be forever indebted to me. Of course not. All he probably thinks is; I let a guy fucking rape me and everyone knows.’
The tension leaves Daryl’s body as he drops to his haunches and runs his hands through his hair.
‘The scar isn’t helping.’
His head whips up so he can look at Rick. ‘What?’
‘The scar,’ Rick repeats, unimpressed by the famous Dixon glare he’s getting.
‘Jack shit he can do about that.’
‘I’m just saying,’ Rick says with a shrug. ‘It goes across his entire face.’
‘So?’
The former sheriff gives him an exasperated look. ‘How would you feel if yours were splattered all over your face?’
Something stills inside Daryl’s chest. He rises slowly.
‘I saw them when you were shot by Andrea, back at Hershel’s farm. Couple of times on the road too. You hate it when people see them, hell, you change clothes in another room just so people don’t…’
‘Just because I ain’t paradin’ around buck naked in front of y’all, don’t mean….’ He trails off because he doesn’t know where to take that sentence. Of course he hates it when other people see the scars on his back. He’s not ashamed of them, not anymore, because now they’re just another reminder that he survived. Sometimes he tells himself that he hides them for other people’s benefit. They’re not a pretty sight, after all.
Benjamin won’t be able to hide the scar. Right now it’s still covered by bandages, so no-one besides Maggie, Rick and Daryl know the extent of his injuries, but soon he won’t need the bandages anymore.
The scar will be in plain sight. A constant reminder.
Daryl winces at the thought.
Rick just nods and looks out over the fields again like he’s proven his point. ‘Just keep an eye on him, that’s all I’m saying. He can come back from this, but he’s going to need your help. All our help. Don’t let him pull back too far, okay?’
It’s the next morning when Daryl runs into Benjamin by accident. They literally collide when Benjamin exits the bathroom of the abandoned house while Daryl tries to get to the master bedroom to get some shut-eye after his guard duty with Rick.
Daryl grunts when the younger man bumps into him but reaches out to steady him on instinct. In a flash, he sees how the green eyes grow wide in fear. Benjamin seems to choke on his breath, sucking it in sharply before spluttering. He backs away from the hunter’s broad frame and nearly bumps into the doorframe.
It would have been funny, Daryl supposes, if the blond hadn’t looked so terrified.
‘Jesus,’ Benjamin breathes, ‘watch where you’re fucking going!’
Daryl narrows his eyes at the aggressive tone but lets it slide. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah.’ His friend jerks his arm away to break the hunter’s steadying hold on him. ‘I’m fine.’ One hand comes up so he can pull the hoodie over his hair. Parts of it are pure white now, others nearly yellow, mixing with his own blond and gray. Evidence from that last vicious bleach attack. His eyes may have recovered, with only a couple of days of irritation as a side-effect, but the hair is ruined.
The bandage covers his cheek and parts of his chin, snaking down his neck to disappear beneath his shirt and hoodie. The edge near his eye has come loose. Benjamin smooths it over with a trembling hand.
The green eyes are down-cast, avoiding Daryl’s gaze.
The hunter looks past him into the bathroom. They have no use for the room itself, but there’s a mirror there. Someone has wiped it clean with their hands. He glances down.
Benjamin’s palms are filthy.
‘What were ya doin’?’
‘Nothing.’ Benjamin hides his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. ‘Have you seen Maggie?’
‘No. She’s probably in the living room. Why?’
The blond shrugs, ‘need her to change my bandages. They’re getting gross.’
‘I can do it.’
Benjamin glances up at him. He takes a small step back and ducks his head again, his chin nearly touching his chest as he scuffs his boots on the floorboards. ‘Nah,’ he says, trying to sound casual and failing. ‘It’s… You’re probably tired. Man,’ he chokes out the fakest laugh Daryl’s ever heard come out of his mouth, ‘You kept watch the whole night with Rick, so you’re probably falling over. I shouldn’t keep you any longer. Get some rest.’
Daryl grits his teeth together. ‘Ain’t so tired I can’t change your damn bandages.’
‘Maggie’s used to doing it, she won’t mind,’ Benjamin mutters as he sidles past the hunter. ‘It’s not very… It looks bad, okay? Best let her do-‘
Daryl grabs Benjamin’s biceps and yanks him close, ‘I don’t give a damn about how it looks, a’right?’
‘Let go of me.’ They stare at each other for a second. Then Daryl’s gaze drops down to Benjamin’s hand. He’s holding his knife, almost fully unsheathed now, fingers white from the sudden pressure. ‘Let go of me,’ he breathes. ‘Right now.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Daryl mutters as he lets go. ‘Benji-‘
‘Stop. I’ve told you before; put your hands on me in anger again and I will gut you.’ The green eyes are cold when he finally manages to look Daryl in the eye.
‘I didn’t-‘
‘Just leave me alone.’
‘No,’ Daryl worries his bottom lip for a second.
‘Excuse me?’
‘Said no.’
The green eyes narrow angrily. Benjamin shoulders past him. ‘Fuck off, Daryl.’
‘Good lord. I’m tryin’ to help, a’right?’
‘By getting all up in my face?’ Benjamin snarls back, ‘by grabbing on me like that? By not leaving me alone like I fucking asked you to? That’s not helping, Daryl. You’re not helping.’
‘Then what the fuck do you want me to do?’ Daryl demands with a growl.
‘Nothing,’ Benjamin snaps. ‘Can you listen to me for one second? I want you to leave me alone!’
‘Fine.’ Daryl makes a throw-away gesture and stalks away towards one of the bedrooms.
‘Fine!’ The blond calls after him. He watches how the hunter turns the corner and slams the door behind him.
It’s several hours later when Carol shakes Daryl’s shoulder carefully, calling his name in order to try and wake him up gently. There’s no point. The moment her hand touches his shoulder, he’s sitting up in the bed, eyes wide and his heart beating in his throat.
‘Sorry,’ she says as she sits down on the edge of the bed. ‘It’s just me, Pookie.’
‘What do you want?’ He mutters as he rubs at the side of his head to try and clear it. It doesn’t sound as hostile as it could have. The fact that she sat down calms him. There’s no emergency.
Carol picks at her fingernails. ‘Dinner is ready. You need to eat something.’
‘All right,’ he answers easily. The room has gotten dark since he turned in. There are unfamiliar shadows haunting the furniture and walls. He listens for the noise of his family but they’re downstairs, too far away for him to hear their voices. It feels strange now, even though he’d gotten used to not having them around while they were in Genesis.
This is different, of course. They’re back out on the road, switching houses every couple of days in order to scavenge new areas. No-one is sure where they are heading now, even though Rick leads them through the country side like they have a purpose. Daryl knows the former cop has no clue about their destination though.
Carol glances at him.
‘Spit it out,’ he says as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed.
‘It’s Benjamin.’
Daryl groans when she doesn’t continue. They sit side by side on the bed. He leans down to tighten his laces, just to have something to do. ‘What about him?’
‘He’s not coping.’
‘Tell me something new,’ Daryl snaps at her as he pushes himself away from the bed. He hoists his bow onto his shoulder before making his way to the door. ‘Rick was already all over my ass about it last night. He’ll be fine. Don’t want my help or nothing so-‘
‘He’s gone outside.’
Daryl stops on the threshold and glances back at her. He narrows his eyes in a silent question.
‘He said he needed some air,’ Carol tells him, ‘but he’s been gone a long time now.’
‘So?’
‘Maybe you should look for him.’
‘He’s a big boy,’ Daryl scoffs. ‘Ain’t his keeper.’
Carol just looks at him for a second. ‘If I’m gone for three hours when I tell you I need some air, you better come looking for me, Daryl Dixon.’
He lets his head hang and then gives her a small smirk. ‘Yes ma’am.’
‘Good boy,’ she praises mockingly as she gets up. ‘Now get that cute butt moving.’
‘Stop,’ Daryl warns but he laughs to himself as he rushes down the stairs, jumping down the last set of steps and landing in the hall. ‘I’m headin’ out,’ he tells Rick as he claps his brother on the shoulder. ‘Carol said Benji’s still out there?’
‘Yeah. Told her he needed some air, told Sasha he needed to take a piss, Maggie that he was going to get some water from the creek.’
‘Means he’s talkin’, right?’ Daryl murmurs while he dips his fingers in Rosita’s beans and scoops some into his mouth. ‘Thanks.’
‘You’re not welcome,’ she tells him flatly with a disgusted look on her face.
There’s a ghost of a smile on Rick face as he nods towards the door. ‘He was heading west last time anyone saw him.’
‘Guy’s loud as an elephant in a glass house. I’ll find him.’
‘Of course. Be careful.’
Daryl salutes Rick before he slips out of the house. Night has fallen while he was asleep. The night air is cold and crisp. His breath ghosts around him as he lets his eyes adjust to the darkness before setting out, heading west. There’s no point in trying to track Benjamin without any light. The world is gray around him, the forest floor just a splash of ink beneath his boots.
The darkness seems to enhance the sounds, however. He can hear the white-noise of his own breathing and heartbeat, but its drowned out by the sounds of the woods. Birds flitter through the leaves above his head, small animals flee from his approaching footsteps.
It doesn’t take him too longer to pick up on the sounds of a walker.
He tries to ignore it for a while. The sound comes from his right. They’re pretty far out from the house they’re squatting in but he still doesn’t like to take chances with their security. So he steers to the right and follows the snarls and growls.
The walker doesn’t seem to move. That’s the first thing he notices when he gets closer.
After a couple of minutes he stumbles upon a scene that causes his blood to freeze inside his veins.
There’s a walker trapped in a low bush. It used to be a blonde woman. It’s just a corpse now. Roots and braches are tangled around her legs and waist, keeping her in place while she growls and struggles. Rotting arms stretched out.
The fingers brush over Benjamin’s chest.
The blond man is standing in front of the woman like he’s rooted to the spot too. He isn’t looking at her. Instead, his gaze rests on the gun in his hands. With practiced movements he checks the chamber, checks the magazine, loads it, cocks it, flips the safety off. Then he flips it back on, only to do it all again while the fingers of the dead woman scratch at his hoodie.
Daryl can’t move. His mouth is dry.
Benjamin flips the safety off for a third time, but instead of flicking it back on, he stops.
He runs his fingers over the metal. They curl around the trigger. He lifts the gun to his temple.
Daryl feels sick. He opens his mouth to scream but can’t find any words. A pained sound escapes him instead, easily lost in the breeze.
Benjamin sighs, looks up at the heavens. He closes his eyes.
And lets the gun drop back to his side.
He bats the hands of the walker away from him, takes a step back and stuffs his gun in the holster on his hip. Then he grabs the walker by the throat and plunges his knife deep into her eye socket. It makes a horrible sucking sound when he pulls it out again.
Benjamin’s breath ghosts around him when he backs away from the corpse. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
‘Benji.’
The younger man doesn’t seem surprised by the fact that Daryl is right behind him. He turns to look at his friend. There’s no expression on his face.
‘What’re ya doin’?’
Benjamin blinks and looks down at his hand in which he’s still holding the knife. It’s dripping with blood. He almost seems surprised. With a confused frown he turns, looks at the walker and then back at Daryl. ‘I-‘ he starts but falters for a second. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Ya killed a walker.’
‘Yeah,’ Benjamin breathes. He sounds dazed. ‘I know. It’s- it’s what we do, right?’
‘Right,’ Daryl answers. ‘Why did ya have your gun out?’
‘I didn’t.’ They look at each other. Something hardens in Benjamin’s face. The confusion melts away as he tugs at his hood, dragging it down so it covers his hair. ‘What are you doing out here?’
‘Carol’s worried.’
‘Why? Because I didn’t ask her to hold my damn hand while I walked a lap around our new tomb? You know, before all that bullshit at Genesis you would send me out on runs for hours and hours on my own. Remember that? Back when Rick was fucking dying out on the road? I didn’t need a chaperone then and I don’t need one now!’
‘Keep your voice down!’ Daryl snaps. ‘Good lord.’ He turns on his heels and starts to head back to their temporary home. ‘Get your ass inside the house. She made ya dinner.’
‘Thought you were done with walking away.’
The night is far too silent for a single moment. The old world is gone and it took all the noise with it. All the air too.
Daryl silently chokes on nothing. He closes his eyes, counts to ten like his book taught him and the anger dissolves into that dull sensation of an open wound, always throbbing but never burning. He opens his eyes again and sighs. ‘What do you want me to do?’ Daryl asks once more. He turns to show that he does expect an answer this time. A real one.
Benjamin is a mere shadow in the dark. He lifts his hand to his lips and bites on his fingernails. The faint clicking sound of teeth on teeth with a nail in-between is so familiar, it causes Daryl to shiver. The younger man opens his mouth but changes his mind. He thinks his answer over. ‘I don’t know,’ he concludes. It doesn’t sound as angry as it had done before. And less confused too. He sounds tired and scared. ‘I just don’t know.’
‘A’right,’ Daryl says. He holds out his hand. ‘Give me your gun.’
‘Why?’
‘Ya know why.’
‘I wouldn’t have… I wouldn’t have done it,’ Benjamin objects but he doesn’t sound too sure.
‘Just give me the damn gun.’
Benjamin swallow thickly and gets his gun out. His hand shakes when he holds it out.
Daryl takes the weapon. ‘Get goin’.’
‘I need my gun,’ Benjamin tries to reason. ‘You can’t leave me out here without a fucking gun, Daryl.’
‘Ya got your knife,’ Daryl tells him. ‘And I got your gun.’
‘So you really are my chaperone now? Jesus.’
‘Brought this on yourself,’ Daryl murmurs. ‘Get going now, done told ya; Carol’s got dinner for us.’
‘I wasn’t going to do anything,’ Benjamin repeats. The sulky tone in his voice makes him sound younger than he really is. He stops and looks at the dark sky for a second. ‘You know this doesn’t change a thing right? Taking my gun away? Hell, it might be better to do it with a knife, actually. I wouldn’t want a horde to come down on you all just because I’m fucking tired of this shit. And if you take my knife too? Hell, that’s a death sentence right there.’
Of course, Daryl knows all that. But he still feels better when he tucks the gun between the small of his back and the waistband of his jeans.
‘Ya said you weren’t goin’ to do nothing.’
Benjamin looks at him, ‘your English hurts my brain sometimes. Bet you got all the girls with that accent.’
‘All them girls had the accent too,’ Daryl points out. ‘Weren’t nothing special.’
‘Right.’ The blond nods. ‘And no. Weren’t going to do nothing. Seven months, remember? I think I still got four more weeks. Does it ever snow in these parts of the country? You know I’d like that as my last farewell. I fucking hate snow. It would be the final nail on my coffin.’
Daryl follows him while they walk back to the house. He thinks about the blond’s words. Just an hour ago, he’d given anything to have Benjamin talk to him again with that ease of shared secrets between them, but now he doesn’t want to hear it. Any of it.