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Moiraine’s lips are as familiar as the sound of the river. Soft like the breeze in the air and yet as powerful as the thundering of a rainstorm. Every inch of Siuan awakens at the familiar touch. Her body has ached for the touch of her hands and the taste of her lips for so long.
She hears Moiraine whimper and presses closer, fusing them together until nothing can pull them apart. She knows they can’t stay like this forever. The Tower needs her. It always needs her, but she swore a vow to protect it. Sisters are betraying her at every turn, and every word has some ulterior meaning against her.
Not Moiraine.
She is barbed, yes, always her pufferfish, but the barbs retract, not like the sharp tips of daggers and betrayal.
Moiraine is her home, as she has been for decades. That will never change.
Siuan threads her fingers in Moiraine’s hair and holds her tightly.
She forgets about Elaida and her barely veiled threats of revealing knowledge that would destroy Siuan’s standing and the Black Ajah sitting in her dungeons, one still in the Tower and knows only now. They were supposed to be two fishwives in a warm, sunny hut, tying nets and catching fish, together. Not whatever this messed-up present was.
Why had they gone in that study? It haunts her every hour at what their life could’ve been. The next turn of the wheel, she hopes, then all will be alright. She hates that it is not this one. And she hates more the pain inside at that knowledge.
It could’ve been any Aes Sedei who wandered in that study, another pair who would’ve been stuck in a mess they could avoid.
It is a selfish thought. She knows this. But Siuan has sacrificed her life for this cause. She deserves to be selfish. She deserves to have this one moment.
Siuan kisses Moiraine desperately, holding onto this moment as tightly as she can, catching in it a net and knotting it shut. It is then that she notices how delicate Moiraine is.
Moiraine has always been soft, no matter how many shields she puts up, but there is a strength there. She is steady and determined. The stubbornnest women Siuan has ever known, and she loves her because of it. It is Moiraine’s strength that has kept her from falling too many times. But now Moiraine holds onto Siuan as if she let go she would shatter. They have kissed desperately far too many times, never knowing the next time they would see each other, hold one another in their arms, but Moiraine’s kiss holds no promise. She kisses her as if she will never see her again, and she is certain of it. It is a kiss of goodbye.
Siuan slowly pushes back, no matter how she longs to pull her in. She wants to stay here forever and hold onto Moiraine, claiming her as hers, no one else's.
“Moiraine.” She says softly.
Moiraine glances up, the tears in her eyes threatening to spill over.
“What was the second thing?” Siuan asks.
Moiraine frowns, “What?”
“You told me you knew two things to be true, what was the second?”
Moiraine freezes and only gives her a sad smile, “Must we think about that now? Can we not have this moment?” She toys with Siuan’s curls.
Siuan takes her hand and holds it tightly. The sun shines through the hut’s windows and dusts across Moiraine’s face. The golden light highlights every lash over her eyes and every new line on her face.
The warmth of the sun has never felt so cold.
“Please, Moiraine,” Siuan begs, her voice shaking, “Something is weighing on you. I know you, you can’t hide from me, love.”
The word love slips out unconsciously, and for a second Siuan wishes she could take it back; their time is too precious right now to rest on the past. The word love seems to break Moiraine, and she lets go of Siuan’s hand and turns around, curling her arms around herself, until all Siuan sees is her dark hair waving in the breeze.
Moiraine hates to be vulnerable, but Siuan thought they had broken through that decades ago. Siuan has always been safety, just as Moiraine is to her. It hurts sharper than a dagger wound that Moiraine is keeping something from her. It started when she was stilled, or shielded, as was later discovered, and ever since, Moiraine has put her shields up again.
The hut is quiet, save for the crickets chirping outside and the breeze whistling over the river. It is silent enough for Siuan to hear Moiraine’s quiet sobs.
Siuan hesitantly steps closer, resting a hand on Moiraine’s trembling shoulder, “Whatever it is, I won’t be angry.”
“It’s not that.” Moiraine answers, “It’s that if I say it to you, then it will be real.”
And though her words are soft, Siuan’s heart lights up. She is speaking at least. Moiraine has not entirely shut her out.
“Just tell me, love, please.” She uses the word purposely this time. And it hits its mark. Moiraine lets go of whatever shields she is keeping now and collapses into Siuan’s hold.
Siuan fumbles as Moiraine’s full weight flops against her, but she manages to weave an arm around her and bring them to the bed.
Moirain’s face is pressed to Siuan’s chest, and her body shakes with her tears.
“Shh,” Siuan says, cradling Moiraine’s head, “I’m here, I’m here.”
She repeats the phrase as Moiraine cries, feeling helpless. Everything is spiraling out of control. The wheel is moving too fast and Siuan is losing her grip.
Moiraine eventually stills, and Siuan wonders if she has fallen asleep, wondering if that can work in the dreamworld, but she realizes Moiraine is just quiet.
Finally she speaks, and her voice is raw, “I won’t be.”
Siuan frowns, “What do you mean?”
“Here.” Moiraine explains, “I won’t be, for the last battle at least, and some time before that.”
Now Siuan is scared, “Moiraine–” Moiraine Moiraine Moiraine. How many times has she said that name, in fits of passion, in fits of tears, with a blank expression when she is in the hall, hiding how much that name meant to her, how it tears open a window to her soul.
This Moiraine is scared. “Moiraine,” she repeats, “Speak clearly, why will you not be here?”
Moiraine pushes away, “Because I will be dead!” She exclaims.
“Why? Ar…are you injured? Have you been threatened?” How can I fix this? Please, let me fix this?
“When I was in Rhuidean, I saw a thousand futures,” Moiraine explains, “And every one where Rand al’Thor lived, I had to die. You see, Siuan, we can’t fix this, it was going to end like this from the beginning.”
“No.” Siuan says, her voice strained, “I won’t let it happen.”
“It doesn’t matter what we want,” Moiraine says, her head shaking, “The Dragon Reborn is first and always will be. That is what we gave our lives for, we knew that.”
“But I…” I am selfish. I want you. I choose you, and I always will.
“There are millions more futures,” Siuan hastens to say, “Did you see them all, how do you know that in every one you must die? There has to be one where you live.” Where we are happy.
Moiraine looks to the ground, “There was one,” She whispers, “One that was happy.”
“Then why can’t we have that one?” Siuan knows she is being irrational, but she is tired. She is tired of sacrificing everything for this.
“It was us,” Moiriaine says, “We were in a hut, like this, and I was your fishwife.”
“My fishwife.” Siuan laughs, though her heart is breaking.
“Yes, and I was tying a fishing net and you were at the door. We were happy.”
“No dragon, no prophecies, no visions, just us.” Siuan murmurs.
“Yes,” Moiraine whispers back, “just us.”
“I hate that we can’t have that.” Siuan takes Moiraine's hand and kisses it gently, “Why couldn’t we? Why did it have to be us?”
Moiraine shrugs, “We don’t know why the wheel turns as it does, we just accept it.”
“I don’t want to accept it. I won’t accept it.” She cups her lover's face, “And I won’t accept you dying either, there has to be another option.”
“Every other life, I will find you. I will find you and be happy. No matter how much I want it to be this one.”
“We have sacrificed too much for it to end like this. I don’t care if you believe you must die, I don’t and I will fight for you, every turn, every life.” Siuan leans in and presses a kiss to Moirain’s forehead, “We will find an answer, and we will win, and after the battle, we will retire and you will be my fishwife, and we will tie nets for the rest of our lives.”
Moiraine nods, “I would like that.”
Siun kisses her nose next and continues, peppering Moiraine with kisses. Each kiss is infused with a promise, it says I will never let you go, no matter what happens, you are mine. In this life and the next.
She pushes her to the bed, and Moiraine takes Siuan in her arms as she places a kiss on her shoulders and moves down to undo her dress.
“I don’t care that this is just a dream.” Siuan whispers, “This time belongs to us.” Moiraine’s dress falls away, and she gasps as Siuan kisses both her breasts. Her body is home more than the fish hut and the soft breeze.
Siuan moves down to her stomach and kisses both slopes of her waist and the soft skin of her stomach. They have been through so much, too much for it to end like this. Siuan feels her tears dripping out but kisses despite them, sealing them inside. They are part of the promise too.
Moiraine digs her fingers into Siuan’s back and the black ink of her tattoos. They are holding each other desperately, but not with a finality. No, Siuan refuses that.
Moiraine is crying again, and both of their tears mix into one another and their lips meet.
Moiraine is both her rock and her undoing.
Moiraine’s lips part easily, and Siuan takes her in.
I love you, they are saying, and I will always love you.
There is a shiver in the hut and Moiraine gasps, “No, I don’t want to go back. I won’t.”
“You have to,” Siuan says, holding tighter, despite her lover fading.
Why did dreams always have to end?
“I need more time.”
“We always do. We always think we will.”
“I will find you, my love.” She repeats her words from earlier, “In this life and every one that will come.” “I will always find you.”
Moiraine gives a small smile as she disappears, “And I you.”
Siuan lets go of another sob as her lover disappears. The sun burns brightly, and she soaks in the warmth. The crickets are still chirping, and the string from the nets rustles in the wind. There is the soft roar of the river outside, but louder is the beating of her heart.
“I love you,” She murmurs to the spot Moiraine was, “And I will never let you go.”