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Welcome to South Park High. My name is Tweek Tweak, and I am somehow one of the most popular kids at this school. Let me explain to you how things work around here.
But first: a backstory.
In middle school, I was the weird, twitchy kid who could barely string together a cohesive sentence. I was an outcast. I had no friends and, in all honesty, I didn’t want any. People were too much pressure - you could never predict their next move.
Over the summer break, I met one or two cute boys, had a major sexuality crisis, and eventually realised I was a raging homosexual. Unearthing this part of myself made me more confident, and I think that partly gave me the drive to execute my plan. It truly was excellent, and I’m reaping the benefits of it today.
As the cogs in my brain began turning, a smile formed on my face when the full idea came to fruition:
When high school starts, I, Tweek Tweak, would give absolutely no fucks.
Nobody talked to me anyway, so why the fuck should I let their opinions dictate my life? Even if they did snicker about me behind my back, their words have zero consequence to my existence.
So, picture this: high school starts, everybody’s taller, trying harder to impress each other, bitchier, and loud. A blonde with wild hair struts through the halls, donning a bright pink, tight-fitting cropped tee, low rise jeans with a studded belt, and gorgeous Doc Martens. His face is lightly dusted with highlighter, accentuating the high points of his sharp face. Essentially, he’s wiped half these basic bitches with their lululemons and their cheap shirts off the floor.
He walks past everybody, leaving their open mouths to stay dropped, not paying any mind to their reactions. In his peripherals, the boy even noted a few ‘straight guys’ checking him out. Secretly, he’s relishing in the attention, but they can’t know that. It’d ruin the plan.
Once he finally reached homeroom, he sat down his bag, and was internally screaming in delight. Now, all he had to do was keep going through the day. Day 1 partially complete.
So, after that fateful day, I noticed more of the Girls gravitating towards me. Bebe, Wendy, Heidi and their group kept making an effort to talk to me. I guess they just wanted their flamboyant gay best friend to give them fashion and makeup tips, but I didn’t mind. This time, I wasn’t the one chasing people to be friends, I was the one being chased. If I told you this didn’t make me giddy then I’d be lying.
Eventually, I became really close with the girls, and their boyfriends started talking to me too. Obviously, they dated the sporty, popular guys like Stan, Clyde and Tolkien, so I was a bit on edge when they started approaching me. At first, some of their clique didn’t like me, and sometimes I’d hear a sly comment from them. However, they suddenly switched up when they realised I could play basketball. Apparently, that cancels out all the gayness.
By the time I reached Junior year, I had settled in nicely into a friend group. I still hung out with the girls, but I preferred the company of the Goth kids. Admittedly, they were a little strange, but I still was (despite the persona I put on) and having them around reminded me of my roots.