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“Well how did you make it?” Derek asked, and it was such a casual question that when it made Spencer freeze nobody could expect it.
When his father had left Spencer needed money, he needed food, rent, education, his mums medication, insurance, all of it. He had two jobs when he was 12 but it wasn’t enough, he got into college right before he turn 13, he barely ate and he went home once a month to no electricity or water, in response making his mum panic more.
He was used to hiding, from bullies, his mother, his father when he was around. But he also was used to doing anything for cash.
He was 13 when he found someone who helped him get on the streets, he was 17 when he left. 4 years he sold his body to pay for the rent and food and his education, all to not die. Before he could safely pretend he was over 18 and enter casinos.
When he joined the BAU he didn’t speak of it. He had a clean record aside from being banned from multiple casinos and he was fine.
He liked how everyone thought he was clean, Spencer the virgin. He wasn’t dirty to them in fact they thought he couldn’t have ever had sex let alone sold himself. Let alone had sex at 13 with a guy in his 40’s or a women in her 50’s. He was clean to them.
…
This case was ruining him, a child left alone to take care of a sick parent, familiar much. A child who needed some way to live.
The others couldn’t figure out how, on record the kid had one job at a fast food place and was able to achieve rent, food, and education. Along with the medication for her mother.
Spencer knew, he could imagine. He’d seen it in the kids eyes, in her actions. Avoiding touch unless it benefited them, baggy clothes to hide the dirt behind.
Spencer would wear scarfs and hoodies and long pants so nobody could see the hickeys or the marks from anyone who’d pay extra to play rough.
He made it through year after year and the longer it went on the more he hated himself, how marked and ruined he was.
But he could afford to send his mother to a nice place, to make it through college. To keep the lights on.
He had always found joy in never being asked how. And now that’s crumbling down, his walls were falling and he couldn’t put them back together in time. Each time he glued a brick back into place ten would fall and he was a sobbing mess trying to build it back up again inside his mind.
Outside he was frozen, Outside he tried his hardest not to wrap his arms around himself and risk telling them before he could say it.
“Reid?” JJ asked in concern as she watched the frozen man.
“I-“ he tried only to freeze again because how could he tell them how dirty he was.
“They’re- Sarah is- she shows- she acts how I did when-“ Spencer tried, sentence after sentence failing.
“Kid?” Derek asked gently.
“Umm- when I- when- she’s-“ he wanted to run, he backed towards the door as he fumbled, hand on the knob.
“She’s-“ bile rose in his throat, as he prepped himself to blurt out the words.
“Approximately 1 in 7 runaways become prostitutes for money, similar statistics would apply to those in bad financial situation with parents who can’t care for them or no guardian.” He stated quickly, not waiting for there reaction before he left the room.
Maybe he shouldn’t have disappeared for as long as he did, but he knew from there they would question Sarah, be able to find her pimp and therefore the person killing anyone who could possibly help her including her friends.
The case would be solved. Nobody called, there were messages, so many. But he couldn’t bring himself to read them, to see how little they think of him now.
He waited until hours passed, he sat in his room and got his stuff ready for when they inevitably leave. That image they had of him was shattered, he was no longer the nerdy virgin instead he was the dirty whore, the one who hides behind a mask.
He was dirty and gross and didn’t deserve to be loved and he knew it. The worse part was knowing.
Because if he didn’t know when they pretend to still love him he could believe them and everything would be okay in his mind.
He heard the ding of his phone and quickly glanced at the text.
‘Wheels up in 20, make sure to be at the plane.” It was a simple message practised and emotionless. But all Reid could see was anger and disgust. He couldn’t afford his own ticket so he’d meet them there.
…
He was the last on the plane. He tried to ignore the way they all looked at him as he sat as far as possible.
“Rei-“ someone tried but Spencer didn’t even look up, they stopped and he just sat, he brought his knees to his chest and allowed himself to be hidden. He wasn’t like Derek who didn’t get a choice, who was scared and trapped. He didn’t have to be on the streets, he could have gotten another job, he could’ve sold answers on tests and he- there was other ways. They wouldn’t last long enough for him to not starve or to keep the power on but they were ethical or more ethical.
Less disgusting. He couldn’t bring himself to look up, he kept his eyes downcast as the plane took off, he could feel them looking at him, it was impossible not to put the pieces together, how did you make it? Such a simple question and Spencer had shattered in just 5 words.
“Spencer.” Someone whispered sitting across from him.
He wanted to look away, to not see the resentment, eyes glued to the floor. But he didn’t, he looked at JJ and her sympathetic eyes, looking at him like he was a kicked puppy.
“What- How did you make it?” She asked and Spencer felt like bursting into tears. Because they knew and they couldn’t except that, couldn’t except he was so disgusting but deep down they knew, they wanted him to say it.
“I-“ he choked, everyone looked at him, equal looks of sympathy and confusion and necessity. The need for an answer.
“For awhile I could make it, I worked three jobs and sold answers to tests, did tutoring. But it wasn’t enough. I was malnourished, nearly passed out in class a few times and I couldn’t always keep the heat or water on which would make mum go crazy and I couldn’t afford hospital trips.” Spencer tried, he knew he was trying to find a justification. A way they wouldn’t think he was as disgusting as he was.
“When- when I got to college I couldn’t keep working as much. And it’s wrong to sell test answers. Nobody takes you seriously either, I was a 13 year old in college nobody wanted tutoring.” He explained, keeping his eyes trained on his fingers as he picked at the skin.
“Their was this girl that told me what she did. She was 18 or so, she helped me get on the streets safely. She wasn’t going to let me but I’d do it anyway so my mum could be safe. For 4 years I worked the streets until I looked old enough to sneak into casinos. I-“ Spencer choked as he tried to tell them he knew it was gross, dirty, disgusting. That he was a whore and he didn’t blame them for not liking him, hating him.
“I know it’s gross, I know I’m dirty and I pretty much fooled you but I- I couldn’t- i know, understand that you guys probably don’t want me around but I need this job and-“ Spencer was cut off when JJ sobbed.
“Spence I’m so sorry.” She cried as she looked at him, like she wanted to hug him and he just didn’t understand.
That’s not how there supposed to react what- he looked at the others faces, seeing similar looks or grief and understanding. And disappointment, that’s how there supposed to react.
He stared at Derek’s face, disappointment and slight disgust in his features and that’s correct.
Morgan noticed his eyes and his face turned into sympathy and Spencer nearly felt rage. Why were they acting like he was still good?
“Reid.” Hotch said and Spencer quickly looked confusion and slight anger on his eyes that made Hotch look even sadder.
“Your not dirty, what you went through doesn’t make you gross. We still want you on this team.” He said matter of factly and Spencer could see the open honesty and he wanted to cry.
Why were they- they weren’t-
He looked into his knees and sobbed, cries echoing through the plane as his sobs turned painful and pathetic.
He felt someone sit next to him and hug him close and he leaned into the touch, clinging on like it was his last chance as he cried like the child that so longed to break.
It felt like hours that he sobbed so desperately for safety for security.
“Spencer, I’m so sorry that happened.” Emily said as he pulled away, tears smaller and quieter.
“It wasn’t your fault kid.” Derek added in, out of everyone Spencer thought Derek would hate him most for letting such a thing happen. “Those bastards who saw a child on the streets and became clients deserve to rot in hell.” He said fiercely staring somewhere in anger.
“There right bambino.” Rossi pitched in as he saw Reid perplexed expression.
“Spence we love you no matter what.” JJ said strictly.
Spencer looked at Hotch hoping for some clarification, all he got was a nod and he felt like he was on fire. So bright yet so painful, for so many years he rotted away in silence remembering every touch, every mouth and hand. Knowing he was stained for good only to be told that wasn’t true.
“I- thank you.” He said quietly eyes never leaving them, he needed to be sure they weren’t faking that one little moment away could be when then break and he would catch it. But there was no moment. They truly believed he was clean.