Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

For as long as Jake has known Jay, one thing has always been true. 

He’s never been single this long. 

In fact, he’s been in and out of flings, situationships, hookups, and everything else in between as early as freshman year of highschool—he’s very available like that and Jake would know because he can still list down most of the people Jay’s been with by name (first and last). The relationships don’t have to be serious, romantic, or sexual from what he’d seen. 

For some reason, Jay just likes being in them. 

Of course and since then, now that they’re close to their final year in university and he’s come to know him better, the years have made Jake realize where all of… this is coming from. 

Jay doesn’t like being alone. 

He doesn’t even eat by himself. He hates having meals on his own to the point that he always has to have it with another person even if that person is a stranger. He’s that annoying guy who eats in a nearly empty fast food joint and chooses to sit on the lone occupied table instead of on the other ones. 

All that said, Jake is only realizing exactly how annoying a single Jay could be now that he has to deal with him on a daily basis. 

“If I have to listen to this dude’s song about Jinji one more time,” Jake snaps, looking up from his reviewer as the song Jay has been playing on loop all afternoon restarts for the nth time with a scowl. “I’m going to smash your phonograph into the tiniest pieces possible.”

But Jay doesn’t make a move to stop the song, stays where he is, draped dramatically on their second hand couch with his cheek pressed against the arm rest, lying on his stomach, staring into space. Good for him that he has the time to rot all day, knitted throw half wrapped around him, but Jake has an exam to study for. 

He huffs from his place in their kitchen slash dining area at the reply he gets. 

“I’m bored. You said you’ll be done with that in an hour. It’s been more than an hour.” 

The only reason Jake knows he won’t follow through with his threats of breaking Jay’s phonograph is because he knows it’s a vintage find. But he’s so close. Whoever this Jinji person is, he doesn’t want to hear about them ever again. 

“Log in to one of your dating apps and find someone to hang out with. Some of us have a future, Jay.”

Instead of being offended, which he usually is when Jake says things like that, Jay just sighs as dramatically as his current position on the sofa allows before finally lifting his head to look at him. 

“What about a quick break? Let’s get something to eat—my treat. Anything you want. I’ll drive. You don’t have to do anything. Just walk to the car, sit down, wait, I’ll feed you, we’ll be back home in less than an hour.”

Jake perks up at the mention of free food and he sees the instant Jay realizes he’s already won because he pushes himself up from the couch. He then heads straight to their everything bowl: it has a mix of their keys, some change, several coupons, and even a handful of hard candy. 

“You know you want it,” Jay singsongs, turning back to him and dangling his car keys in the air like some kind of lure. He’s grinning, he already knows Jake will say yes any minute, and it makes him grin. “Free food. Anything you want—no limits.” 

And you know what? Jake can be stubborn as hell if he wants to be but free food is free food, limitless at that, so he decides, fine. 

He can put his pride on hold. 

“Anything I want?” 

Jay pumps his fist in the air and grabs his sweater from the coat rack, doing the same to Jake’s hoodie quickly and tossing it his way. 

“Anything. Multiple items. Even if you don’t finish them so I have to.” 

Jake pulls his hoodie over his head and messes up his hair so that he has to stop by their wall mirror in the hallway to fix it, pushing his bangs back and away to no avail—fringes fall back over his forehead, a bit over his eyes, because his hair is too long now and he hasn’t made time to get it trimmed. 

“No to food waste. Let’s buy stuff we can share.” 

Jay just watches him from the door, smiling, though he rolls his eyes. 

“Whatever you say. It’s not me who buys more than I can eat each time.” 

At his words, Jake pouts as he grabs the house keys before following Jay out the door. 

“Then you shouldn’t enable me! What the hell is this friendship for if you just let me make stupid decisions?” 

Jay’s jaw falls open in pretend shock, waiting for him to lock the front door, with a hand pointing at his own chest. 

“Did I ever blame you for the stupid decisions I used to make about the people I dated? You helped me choose them. You swiped on some of them yourself.”

Jake waves a hand as he and Jay begin to walk together, headed for the elevator, in a dismissive manner. He smiles sweetly. 

“It’s not the same.” 

“What do you mean it’s not the same? There was also,” Jay shoots back, leaning towards him and a little closer, dropping his voice to a whisper, teasing and all. “Eating out involved.” 

His reaction is immediate. 

“Gross! I didn’t need to know that, you asshole!” 

Jay pulls back, cackling, as they reach the elevator landing. 

“What, you don’t eat your dates out or they don’t do the same to you? I feel bad for your sex life, Jakey.” 

Jake practically hisses at Jay as he presses the down button. 

“You don’t have anything to do with my sex life! Shut up!” 

Jay pretends to zip up his mouth and even pockets the pretend-key, but his smug smile is still there and it’s annoying. As soon as the lift doors open, thankfully empty, Jake shoves him to the side with an elbow. 

“Stop.”

Jay laughs, pressing the button for the ground floor and then throwing his hands sideways. 

“I’m not even saying anything!” 

Jake scowls, taking his place at a corner of the elevator, and glares. 

“Take back what you said about my sex life!” 

But instead of saying anything, Jay just laughs at him until they reach their destination and only stops when he whacks him over the head with a threat. 

“I’m going to buy a family meal good for ten people because of this! On top of whatever else I buy!”

In the end, Jake buys a slightly smaller meal good for six people, not ten. 

It’s still a lot. 

“So much for no food waste,” Jay teases him as they exit the fast food place they’d chosen at random, both of them carrying several paper bags in their arms plus the drinks. With the amount of food they have in tow, anyone would think there’s more than two people living in their shared place. “Even I won’t be able to finish your leftovers.” 

Jake tries not to feel guilty knowing he’s made a dent on Jay’s monthly allowance. 

“We’ll just put it in the fridge and reheat it. Finish everything in two days.” 

Jay unlocks the car with a press of a button on his car fob, the two of them having to rearrange the food before settling properly in. 

“All because I offended your sex life,” Jay mutters after a bit, the conversation a little delayed, making Jake scowl again. He really had to bring it up one more time… “Seatbelt.” 

Reaching over, Jake freezes as Jay’s arm makes a trip across his body, his torso, to grab one end of the seatbelt. It actually makes him stop breathing for a moment, too. 

Jay notices his reaction and pauses himself after securing his seatbelt on Jake’s behalf. 

“What? What’s wrong?” 

Jake swallows, shaking his head, as he pretends to grab one of the bags in search of something easy to eat—something that will occupy his hands, his mouth. He doesn’t need these intrusive thoughts, thoughts that have been haunting him recently, ever since Jay stopped dating around. 

Ever since he’d had more time to pester Jake, present in a way that he’s never quite been. 

Admittedly, he’s started noticing things about Jay that he used to not notice before: like how he can be cute but only sometimes. Like, once or twice a month. 

Yeah. 

“Nothing and stop mentioning my sex life,” he says eventually as the engine starts, a hushed purr. “It has nothing to do with you!” 

For a moment, Jay is distracted with backing up from their parking spot, response delayed again. 

“Seriously though,” he answers absentmindedly. “You’ve never tried? Either you or one of your partners? I mean… we’ve known each other for a while. I know you’re not a prude—no one tried?” 

He won’t let it go… Jake sighs and yeah, a single Jay is a thorn in his side, isn’t he? He grabs a drink and puts the straw in harder than intended, placing it in Jay’s cup holder before doing the same for his own drink though he keeps his in hand, taking a sip, before saying something back. 

“I’m not comfortable with it,” he finally admits, glancing at Jay who actually looks at him in interest. “I’ve never dated anyone long enough to, you know… trust them with something like that.” 

Jay nods slowly and focuses on the road then, and starts driving as he hums. 

“I see,” is all he says for a bit but Jake doesn’t trust him to keep it at that. It’s not Jay’s style—and he’s right. “But like, you’re open to it? If you trusted your partner?” 

Jake shrugs, biting on his straw absently, watching the road past the windshield. 

“I guess? It’s just…” 

He glances at Jay when he sees him shift from his peripheral vision. 

“Just what?” 

He bites down on his straw harder, wondering why they’re even talking about this, because honestly? In their long years of friendship, it’s just never come up. Not that he and Jay don’t talk about sex—they’re guys after all, they’re real friends, but this in particular… 

Sighing, he leans back on his seat with a sigh, now somewhat curious. It’s as good a time as any to ask, right? It’s on topic too, not out of nowhere, and very relevant. 

“Does it really feel good? Sounds overhyped to me.”

His words make Jay laugh the same laugh he had at the elevator as they stop at a crossing, the light red so he has time to turn to Jake. 

“For someone who hasn’t experienced it, you’re quick to judge that it’s just overhyped. You don’t even know what it’s like.”

 Jake has been scowling at Jay all night because that’s what he does as usual, scowl at him. 

“Prove it’s not then,” he challenges, only realizing what his words can imply, because he sees Jay blink in surprise. He goes still, the straw of his drink halfway to his mouth, only to never make it. 

“You mean like… you want us to try it?”

Jake gasps, goes as far as pushing himself against the door on his side of the car, with a frantic shake of his head. Holy shit what. 

“No! That’s not—that’s not what I meant! I mean like… use your words!” 

His face feels very, very hot and is that a flush on Jay’s cheeks as well or just the crimson stoplight overhead? Has to be the stoplight. 

“Oh,” Jay answers, laughing, but this time it sounds a little shaky. He takes a quick sip of his drink, big gulps, and turns away. Focuses on the road. “For a moment there I thought… anyway, I guess it feels filthy as fuck to do and that kind of adds to the turn on factor. Like… my mouth isn’t supposed to be where it is but it is and it feels good, too. Something like that.” 

Jake actually swallows at that, remembers his drink, and takes his own big gulps. 

“Right,” he says with a cough, a little glad the light finally turns green so that Jay can refocus on driving. “I don’t get it but whatever floats your boat.” 

Jay chuckles, glancing at him quickly, and this time his grin is back to teasing. 

“I mean… we can try it if you’re curious…” 

Jake had been in the process of hunting for his fries but he inhales sharply at the suggestion before reaching over to pummel Jay with the paper bag he’s holding. Damn the fries he can eat them smushed. 

“Eww, gross, I’m not that desperate to get laid!” 

And Jay, he’s laughing his heart out as usual as Jake pulls away. 

“All right, ok, you don’t want me,” he says, adjusting in his seat, but he doesn’t look at Jake anymore after. “I get it.” 

“We’re friends, dude,” Jake says, rather uselessly seeing as they’re both aware what they are, shoving a few pieces of fries first into Jay’s mouth and then his own. “It’ll be weird.” 

Jay hums, still not looking at him, with a nod of his head. 

“Yeah. Yeah it will be.” 

Good that they can agree on that because god only knows how much it’ll rock Jake’s entire world off axis if he and Jay ever try anything intimate or sexual or whatever—and by whatever, he means everything else that friends don’t do. 

It’s bad enough that he’s been noticing a lot about him lately, likable things, and honestly Jay should start dating again soon so that he doesn’t have to deal with all of these, well. 

Feelings. 

This conversation about sex isn’t helping at all. 

Because again, Jay hasn’t been single this long. He and Jake, they move within the same axis yes but there’s usually a third person in the mix, even if indirectly, but now there isn’t and Jake has no idea if Jay notices what he’s been doing lately. 

All these little things—getting food, pestering him, talking about sex—are things he does with the people he dates. Of course Jake has heard him and seen him and sometimes been part of all these activities with the guys that Jay gets into relationships with but as a third party, not as an active participant. 

Does Jay even know? 

He’s probably so used to it he doesn’t realize he’s been paying attention to Jake in the same way he would a potential partner… 

“When are you going back to dating,” Jake manages to ask in between bites of an onion ring this time. “You’re interrupting my education.”

Jay snorts. 

“With free food! Is it really an interruption if you’re being fed and, because of it, you’re able to focus on your studies more?”

He harrumphs like a grandpa but just repeats the question again. 

“Yeah, yeah… so when are you going back to the dating scene? You spend too much time at home. It’s annoying.” 

It’s not. 

“Let’s look later and you swipe?” 

Jake tries not to regret the suggestion as he nods his head eagerly. He even grins. This is how their relationship is meant to be. 

“Sure! I know your type by now!” 

When he speaks again, Jay almost seems like he’s talking to himself. 

“I’m sure you do.”

Unfortunately, Jay doesn’t go back to the dating scene. 

That same evening, while finishing their food, Jake hadn’t helped by rejecting every person that they’d encountered on that dating app Jay always uses. 

Yes, he knows Jay’s type, but whatever. 

Maybe he doesn’t want him to go back to dating again after all. 

“Look who’s eating their words now,” Sunghoon tells him a few days later when Jake had caved in and finally shared, well, everything with him. Who else to know about this but his other closest friend, his childhood friend, even though he’s as much of a piece of shit as Jay. “For someone who went eww at him, you sure don’t want to give him away to someone else who might want him.”

Sprawled dramatically on one of the desks in the library, Jake shoots Sunghoon a withering look. 

“Do you have useful advice for me or are you just going to gloat?” 

Tapping the end of his ballpoint pen on his binder, Sunghoon grins and pretends to give it some thought. The look on his face says everything though—he’s been waiting for an opportunity to say what he’s just about to say. 

“Let him eat you out?” 

Jake groans and hides his face against his arm, feeling it warm up, because that conversation has been haunting him for days especially the short misunderstanding in the car, Jay thinking that he wanted them to try it together. 

“Sunghoon…” 

Sunghoon cackles and draws the ire of several students, a round of angry shushing in the distance from random parts of the place, that rings out loud and clear. He goes oops and drops his voice, leaning in a little closer to Jake, and whispers his next words. 

“Think about it: he dates a lot and he dates people months at a time. He must be good if these people stay.” 

Lifting his head and sitting down properly, Jake focuses on his notes, not that he’s seeing anything, his cheeks aflame. Jay must be… but that’s not the point. 

Not right now anyway. 

“I regret this friendship,” he mutters, elbowing Sunghoon when he tries to lean his head against his. “Consider this our friendship break up. I don’t want this anymore.” 

But his friend just shrugs. 

“You’ve said that before.”

They actually get some schoolwork done from there before Jake has to leave since his free period for the day is shorter than Sunghoon’s. He goes back to his classes and each one is a great distraction though one in particular takes the cake as far as distractions go. 

It’s not in a good way. 

“He wants the old version. The old one, the one that he authored without that other professor, and I can’t find a copy anywhere!” 

It could very well be Sunghoon’s fault, this problem of his, with how much Jake is screaming at him over the phone. This is the issue: one of his teachers, who’d been gone on an extended medical leave, had finally made his glorious return. 

He and the sub who’d taken over, unfortunately, had disagreed on one of the textbooks everyone is supposed to use for his class and now his professor wants them all to replace it with a previous version. There are at least three hundred people in this class, divided into different ones across the week—so naturally, by the time Jake checked…

No more copies of the book anywhere.  

“We’ll find one,” Sunghoon supplies helpfully, hopefully, to the sound of his mouse clicking. Jake stirs his ramyeon after adding some eggs in, sighing. “Oh… it’s sold out from three nearby bookstores I’ve checked so far…” 

Exactly. 

“Don’t bother,” he mutters with a sniff, watching yellow bloom in his ramyeon soup, the egg cooking quickly. “I’ve been to five other book shops in person. It’s all gone!”

It’s just then that he hears shuffling from the front door before it opens, Jay calling out immediately, concerned, as Jake exclaimed that last bit of his sentence. 

“Jake? What’s going on? I can hear you shouting from outside.” 

For a moment, Jake actually forgets what he’s been struggling with when it comes to Jay as he turns to him and complains about what’s happening, absently setting up the table for two since Jay’s home. 

“Yup, totally sold out,” Sunghoon says then from his phone. “Hey Jay.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were there. Hey ‘Hoon,” Jay greets him before turning back to a sulking Jake who’s filling their bowls with noodles. “And you checked everywhere nearby, too?” 

At this point, Jake just nods. This unreasonable professor… it’s the middle of the semester, for crying out loud! He takes his phone before sitting down. 

“I’ll talk to you later, Sunghoon. I’m gonna eat,” he says by way of ending their current call. Sunghoon just responds with a cheerful, later, as Jake nods at the seat in front of him. “You want some ramyeon? I haven’t had lunch because I’ve been looking for that textbook all afternoon. We can share.” 

Jay sits down but he doesn’t eat at all. Instead, he’s on his phone. 

“It should still be available somewhere,” he mutters, obviously referring to the book Jake needs, before he looks up at him. “You can’t photocopy it and, I don’t know, have it bound? He’s that kind of professor?” 

Jake just sulks harder because: 

“Yeah. Old, traditional, and doesn’t give a fuck about the fact that we already bought this stupid textbook once. Why do we have to buy it a second time just because he wants a different version?!” 

And maybe because his voice is rising  again, Jay just laughs a little and lifts a hand, moving it in a pacifying motion, back on his phone again. 

“We’ll find one. I’ll help.” 

And Jake hadn’t really expected Jay to do more than just what Sunghoon had done, you know: go to different websites in search of his textbook. Maybe ask some friends, or their seniors, if they happen to have ever used it and have a copy lying around. Honestly, Jake has accepted the fact that he’ll have to deal with this shit on his own because that’s life but then… 

The first thing he hears is the beep of the front door, distant but distinct. It wakes Jake up and, when he checks his phone, it’s fifty past midnight. 

“Jake? You still awake?” 

Did Jay just get home? 

He pushes himself off the bed, having just had probably less than an hour of shuteye since he’d been so absorbed in the ebook he was reading. Trudging for the door, he opens it just as Jay reaches it. 

The first thing Jay does is grin as he stops right by the threshold, his bedroom door frame separating them, looking far too awake in comparison to him. 

“Guess what?” 

Jake isn’t as awake as he wants to be and grunts an unfeeling huh, yawning, only to end up with a face full of book. 

A textbook. 

The textbook he needs. 

Jay makes a show of moving it around. 

“I found one three cities away! It was their last copy!” 

Holy shit. 

“Oh my god,” Jake says, fully awake now and grabbing the book by the edges without actually taking it from Jay. He looks up at him and grins back. “You did. You did oh my god!”

“You owe me,” Jay replies, all smiles, and hands the book over to him. He turns around then, with a yawn, stretching his arms over his head. “Don’t lose it, ok? Put an Airtag on it or something.” 

Hang on a moment though… 

Jake clutches the book close to his chest, watching Jay walk away, towards the kitchen, to open the fridge. Brain catching up to his wakefulness just then, he has a realization. 

“Wait, you drove all the way there and then back? This late?” 

Jay glances at him, drinking from a water bottle, with a nod. After he’s done, he puts the cap back on and grins at him again. 

“Well, you needed it and it was the last copy. I thought if I didn’t get it tonight, they might sell it to someone else. They don’t do shipping either so… pick up was the only option. I begged them to reserve it and thankfully, they did.” 

Still staring, Jake looks at Jay in silence long enough for it to be awkward. Jay blinks at him, confused, as he pushes the refrigerator door closed. 

“... what?” 

He grips the edges of his textbook tightly, pressing it close against his chest even harder, feeling a twinge in his chest, something that feels like hope.

It’s so dangerous for Jake’s already kind of yearning, pining heart. 

“Thanks,” he says softly, after a few more seconds. “You didn’t have to but you did.” 

He watches Jay’s expression shift into something that resembles embarrassment. He waves his hands too, a weird motion that’s supposed to be dismissive but looks kind of like panic. 

It makes Jake smile. 

“It was nothing but you owe me,” he answers, turning his back, and Jake laughs because how can it be nothing while he owes Jay something at the same time? “Go back to sleep and protect that with your life. I drove four hours to pick it up.” 

Four hours… and on a weekday, too. 

Turning around, Jake walks back inside his room, rummages around his bag and then his pencil case, before ripping the plastic wrapping of the book. On the first page, he writes his full name with a blue Sharpie. 

He then walks out and hands the Sharpie to Jay who narrows his eyes, again looking confused, but he accepts it anyway. 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” 

Grinning, Jake props the book open on their dining table and jabs a finger on the space underneath his name. 

“It’s our textbook now. Write your name.” 

Jay laughs, shaking his head, but he walks over and does as Jake requested. He scribbles his full name right underneath his before leaning back. 

He adds a smiley face at the end of his. 

Pauses before—

He doodles a heart after Jake’s last name. 

And again, again, that hope. Jake can’t breathe but has to tell himself it’s just a shape. It doesn’t mean anything, not even with the thought that Jay had driven four hours to get him this textbook. 

It’s what friends do. 

“There,” he says, turning back to Jake and handing the Sharpie over. “I won’t ask you to pay me back but don’t expect a gift on Christmas.” 

He walks off, on his way to the bedroom, yawning again. 

“Ok,” is all Jake replies with, not taking his eyes away until Jay shuts the door to his bedroom, something weird in his lungs. Eventually, he turns back to his textbook. 

Bites down on his lower lip as he stares down at Jay’s heart doodle. 

It doesn’t mean anything, he repeats to himself, but even then, Jake picks up the Sharpie again and draws a smiley beside the heart. 

Doodles another heart, this time, beside Jay’s smiley. 

He won’t admit it aloud but Jake knows this small act of… kindness from Jay will tide him over until December. 

He doesn’t need a Christmas gift. 

Telling Sunghoon about the textbook thing had been a bad idea because, from there, he starts feeding Jake all of these, for lack of a better term, delusions. 

“But think about it,” he’d insisted the next day, eyes wide and wild, using his arms for emphasis and moving them about in big gestures. “You and I have known each other for a very long time but I wouldn’t do that for you!”

Jake scowls at him. 

“Wow, thanks.”

Sunghoon isn’t bothered though, waving his hand sideways and nearly slapping a guy passing by in the face. He doesn’t even apologize and Jake has to do it on his behalf. 

“No, I mean, I would be more reasonable about it. I wouldn’t drive four hours for a book—” 

“You don’t have a car.” 

“—and we’ll try another solution instead, something that doesn’t require, well… driving four hours! And the heart he doodled, Jake!”

Jake looks around them, embarrassed, and shushes Sunghoon hastily. 

“You’re talking too loud! The world doesn’t need to know about that heart doodle!”

Sunghoon points at him with a wagging finger like a madman putting a curse on him. 

“Well they should! You should get it tattooed!”

Despite his annoyance because his friend is attracting attention, Jake laughs and shakes his head, tracing his own finger over the said doodle. 

“Stop. You’re being silly. It’s just a heart.”

But Sunghoon is absolutely convinced that this is it. That Jay has to be harboring some secret feelings for Jake, too. 

“And what? That’s just a four-hour drive for some textbook, Jake? Think about it.” 

Nope. 

Jake would rather not think about it, get his hopes up, and then disappoint himself when he finds out that no, Jay absolutely has no feelings for him. 

So it’s a relief really—that they’re approaching a short holiday break. It’s just five days but it’ll give Jake room to breathe, to be away from Jay, so that he won’t have to think about everything Sunghoon told him, nonsense things, things that aren’t true. 

But as luck would have it… 

“I thought you were going home, too? Why are you still here?” 

He’s under the impression Jay is supposed to leave tonight since his way back is a bit of a long drive, but instead, he’s in his usual muscle tee and shorts in the living room, draped over the couch dramatically as usual, scrolling through his phone. 

Jay doesn’t even look up when he answers. 

“My grandma is sick and my parents forgot to tell me until the last minute. They’re not home.” 

And Jake knows what he told himself—how this is a good thing, this break, because then he’ll have some space far from Jay. But that’s five days… and again, Jay hates being alone. 

He’s already asking before he can think it through. 

“You wanna come home with me?” 

Jay’s reaction is instant as he looks up, a wide smile lighting up his face, and Jake watches him grin and thinks, well. 

It’s worth it. 

“Really? You’re not joking right? I’m gonna pack right now. I’ll drive us there. Forget about taking the bus—I’m fine with the six hour drive.” 

Jake chuckles. 

“It’s just five hours one way,” he clarifies, nodding. “Yeah, not joking. You’re going to rot here without me… and I don’t want you to take any strangers home just because you’re lonely.” 

Jay makes an excited sound as he pushes himself up from the couch, heading straight for him, arms open. He then embraces Jake, just a quick squeeze, but it’s enough to wrangle the breaths out of his lungs for a multitude of reasons. 

“I wasn’t planning to,” he says, already walking away. “This is our Jake and Jay space. It’s sacred! I would never. But I’m glad you thought that because now you’re taking me with you—no take backs ok!” 

All the while, Jake just stays standing where he is as Jay monologues about the clothes he’s bringing and if they should stop over for some snacks on the way or before they really start the trip and oh man. 

Oh man.

The drive is grueling or it’s supposed to be. If Jake had taken the bus, he knows he would have been asleep the entire time or else uncomfortable. 

He can’t sleep with Jay talking a mile a minute though and, for some reason, there are additions to his car that hadn’t been here before. 

“This is new,” Jake remembers saying the next day, at a little past noon, as he opens the door to the passenger side. There’s a knitted throw on the seat and a small neck pillow. He wonders… “Is this from your date? Did your date leave these behind?” 

Before he has the chance to feel bitter about his questions, about the fact that maybe Jay is back to dating after all—

“No, it’s for you. It’s a long drive, six hours—”

“Five.” 

“—and I want you to be comfortable.”

Jake opens his mouth. 

Shuts it. 

Oh. 

Peering in, he finds a matching neck pillow on the driver’s seat but no throw which… it makes sense. It would be a hazard. 

“Wow,” is all he can say, making Jay pause and look up at him where he’s fussing, throwing junk from the front of the car to the backseat though it’s probably because of his follow up question. “Thanks. Why are you being so nice to me lately?” 

He can’t stop himself. Jake has to ask or else these little things Jay keeps doing, it’ll add to everything Sunghoon’s been telling him, sunshine and water to a starved plant, and… 

“What does that mean,” Jay shoots back, laughing in disbelief, but Jake notices that there’s a redness to his ears. “I’m nice all the time!” 

Jake scowls and finally climbs into his own seat, going as far as huffing at him, as he arranges the throw over his lap. 

“No, you’re not,” he says but his words are weak, his tone subdued, and there’s no malice behind it. “But again, thanks.” 

Jay doesn’t look at him as he does the same, settles on his seat, but not before, again:

“Seatbelt,” he says, reaching for it like that first time and securing it over Jake himself. “You’re welcome and now you know: I’m a nice person. Doesn’t everyone love nice people?” 

Jake turns away and swallows, putting the neck pillow on, and clears his throat. 

He doesn’t answer because it would have been, I sure do. 

So he welcomes it when Jay switches topics, something about school at first and then his hobbies because he has, like, a million of them. At about an hour and a half, after buying some snacks, they realize they haven’t bothered with some music so Jake connects his Spotify to the car stereo and they dance, they sing along, to a bunch of random songs. 

The entire time, Jake thinks, it would be nice, wouldn’t it? 

If Sunghoon’s right.  

If Jay’s actually interested in him like Jake is lately. 

But that’s too much to hope for because, in their long years of friendship, in the whirlwind that is Jay’s dating history, if he’d ever been interested… 

He would have made a move early on. 

But he hasn’t, he never has, and that says a lot. 

“You can sleep if you want,” Jay tells him about three hours later, with him quiet, moody. He hasn’t been saying anything back, just humming at everything Jay keeps telling him, and Jake doesn’t mean to be a buzzkill… “It’s ok.” 

Jake plays with a loose thread on the throw he now has over his body, hesitating, wondering when it became so hard to talk to Jay, to say things to him, when that’s never been the case. 

Or well, he knows. 

Stupid feelings. 

“You wanna switch later? I can drive and you can take a break.” 

But Jay just shakes his head. 

“It’s fine. Or you can drive on the way back if you feel like it.”

“You sure?” 

Jay surprises him by glancing at him one moment and then reaching out to fix the throw over one of his shoulders. 

“Yeah. Just another thing you owe me, right?” 

The teasing tone is gentle, soft. Jay meets his eyes as he looks at him, as Jake says a half-heartedly sarcastic, haha, all while he wonders… 

How bad would it really be if he actually liked Jay as more than a friend? 

When they arrive, Jay is obviously tired but he helps with dinner preparations after a quick catch up with Jake’s parents. 

“Just nap,” Jake insists where they are in the kitchen, washing and cutting a few vegetables for a salad, as he watches him yawn while handling a knife. “I’ll wake you up when it’s time to eat.” 

God, he can’t take this.

Jay is nice, fine, he’s always been, but it used to be something that never fazed Jake. 

Now his stomach actually feels gross and queasy, but in a good way, because of what Jay’s doing and it’s… ugh. 

Sunghoon should never find out about this. 

“But we’re almost done,” Jay tells him, glancing up from working the colander and even going as far as flicking water at his face. “After dinner, I can sleep all I want.” 

Jake just sighs and lets him do his thing, and then over dinner, he watches him interact with the family, people he’s known but haven’t seen in a while, and there goes Jake’s mind again, wondering some more. 

If ever… Jay already belongs, you know? 

Jake’s parents and older brother already know him, and have known him for years. They’re familiar with Jay, he’s not some stranger he’ll ever have to introduce when he brings him home again just like now. 

But it’s not possible or it would have happened already with how long he and Jay have known each other. 

When it’s time to sleep, they trudge around Jake’s childhood bedroom brushing their teeth, changing their clothes, before helping each other arrange the floor mattresses. 

“Why are you so far away,” Jay asks with a laugh, noticing where Jake has positioned his mat. He brings his own closer. “It’s not like we’ve never shared a room before.” 

And he wants to say, but it’s different now. 

Jake wants to say—

I didn’t want to kiss you before. 

Because admittedly, watching him talk on and on during dinner, entertaining Jake’s family as if he’s the one who owns this house, he had a lot of time to watch Jay’s mouth. 

But he doesn’t answer, just shrugs, and while Jay is out like a light as soon as they lie down after dimming the lights, Jake has no luck with sleep. 

Instead, he hugs an extra pillow against his chest and spends much of the late evening watching Jay sleep and snore. 

The next four days are what’s grueling for Jake, not the trip, since he has to spend every waking moment with Jay at close proximity—no separate rooms unlike their place near university—and more and more, he can’t shake the thought. 

He belongs. 

There’s no effort on Jay’s part to be in Jake’s life, he’s just there, he’s always been. 

That’s scary. 

But no, not because he’s a constant. Instead, what Jake realizes is how Jay has been a constant for so long that he doesn’t want things to change. 

He doesn’t want to lose him. 

So if Sunghoon’s wrong, if Jake is with these stupid delusions Sunghoon helped him build in his head, he risks losing this. 

He risks losing Jay. 

It’s just a thought, he doesn’t even think it’ll happen as long as he keeps his feelings to himself, but Jake’s already upset about it. It sours their last day at home because no matter how much Jay had engaged with him—encouraging him to join in on his conversations with the family—much like in the car on the way here, Jake had been moody instead. 

But that’s all he can think about. 

He can’t lose this. 

He can’t lose Jay. 

He dreads the five hour drive back only to get upset some more when Jay says, and gently because he can tell Jake has something on his mind—of course he can—that he’ll drive instead. 

Jake doesn’t talk to him, pretends to sleep, actually falls asleep, and wakes up an hour away from their place. 

When he turns to Jay, he looks sleepy and tired. 

“Come on. Let’s switch. It’s only an hour but it’s something right,” he offers, insistent, guilty, upset upset upset I can’t lose this I can’t lose him—

“Exactly, just an hour more. I’ll sleep when we arrive, it’s fine—” 

And Jake is being so unreasonable, he knows, but his patience is so short and why does Jay have to keep being nice to him? 

“It’s not fine!” 

His exclamation stuns even Jake himself, startles Jay bad enough he straightens where he is. For a moment, there’s a shocked stillness in the car. 

And Jay, Jay is still so patient. 

“Ok, what’s wrong,” he asks, eventually relaxing on his seat again with a careful glance at Jake who turns away to stare past the windshield without seeing anything. “You’ve been like this most of the day. Just tell me what’s wrong instead of taking it out on me—”

That annoys Jake. 

“I’m not taking it out on you!” 

Even though they both know that’s the case and Jay says so. 

“See, you are,” he says, his tone so reasonable in contrast. Jake has half a mind to remove his seatbelt and dump himself out of this moving vehicle. “Just share it, Jake. Maybe it’ll make you feel better.” 

Ugh he’s so petty. 

“No it won’t,” he mutters, going as far as turning his body away from Jay so that all Jay will be able to look at is most of his back. He focuses on the view outside the side window. “Stop asking me, stop talking, you’ve been talking nonstop for days!” 

He hears Jay sigh and then silence. 

And then he feels a poke on his side. 

“You want to grab something before we get home?” 

He’s so annoying. 

“No.”

Another poke. 

Ugh. 

“Why won’t you just tell me?” 

Because it’s about you, he wants to scream. Jake is aware how ridiculous this is, how he’s acting as if something he’s only thought of, something that hasn’t happened, that might not even happen, already has him lamenting over losing Jay. 

He hasn’t even lost him yet. 

He’s still here. 

He’s still here. 

“Just stop,” he says dully, letting his head fall forward to hit the window with a thud. “It’s nothing. It’s not important.” 

It’s all in Jake’s head anyway and it doesn’t matter that Jay drove four hours to get him that textbook, or that he doodled a little heart beside his name on it, or that he went out of his way to make him comfortable in his car for this little trip. 

Jay doesn’t like him. 

If he did, he would have acted on it right now or long ago. 

The rest of the drive is silent, Jay leaving him be, but even then, Jake doesn’t find any relief at all.

Once they arrive home, he goes out of his way to ignore Jay. 

Again, it’s unreasonable, childish even, but Jake is so caught up in his thoughts, in his catastrophic what ifs, and the last thing he wants is to look at Jay’s face. 

So he goes about unpacking, getting his clothes in the laundry, putting away this and that, even tidies his room, only for Jay to— 

There’s a gentle knock on the door, ajar, before Jay peeks in. 

“I made a snack. You want some?” 

Jake doesn’t even look. 

“I’m not hungry.” 

But Jay won’t quit. 

“We skipped breakfast. It’s not possible you’re not hungry—” 

He interrupts him sharply, pointedly, forgetting Jay is tired, too. In fact, he’s more tired than Jake is so it’s not a surprise that, at this point, Jay loses his temper in return. 

“I’m just not!” 

He hears Jay take a deep breath and then he pushes the door open and walks right in. 

“All right, that’s it,” he says, more than annoyed, but his tone is level, calm, and very unlike Jake’s. “What the fuck is your problem?” 

Jake whirls around and glares at him. 

“You’re my problem,” he snaps without thinking, watching Jay’s expression twist in confusion and disbelief as he points at himself. 

“Me? What the fuck did I do? I didn’t let you drive because I knew you were upset about something. I left you to do… whatever, ruminate and shit, and did you hear anything from me? I just let you be!” 

God. Jake doesn’t even know why they’re fighting—or well, he does, it’s because of him—but he’s still upset by his imagined scenarios and again, so ridiculous. 

“No one asked you to do those things,” he says flatly and he’s breathing hard, his chest is heaving, he’s a mess. “You did it out of your own free will. What do you want, a thank you for your consideration? Well, thanks Jay.” 

Jay huffs out another disbelieving sound, this time a laugh, but there’s no humor in it. Without another word, with one last look at him, he shakes his head. 

And then he walks out of Jake’s room but he doesn’t stop there. 

He keeps walking, past the kitchen and dining and the living room, into the hallway, out the door. 

By the time Jake comes to his senses, Jay’s gone. 

He sits down on the edge of his bed with a sigh, dropping his head, and hates this, hates feelings, but most of all, Jake hates it that for some reason he can’t handle this in a mature way. 

But he’s never… 

He closes his eyes and takes a very deep breath. 

Eventually admits it, even if it’s just in his head. 

He’s never been in love with a friend before.

Jake is in the dining area, doing an essay, when Jay finally gets back home. 

He freezes for a few seconds when he hears the door open, but then resumes what he’s writing right away. 

Doesn’t look up, not until—

Jay drops a plastic bag in front of him on the way, and when Jake finally glances his way, he just keeps going, keeps walking, straight to his room. 

“What’s this?” 

Only answering once he’s back out of his room with a towel draped over his shoulder, his and Jay’s gazes meet as he shrugs. 

“Pizza. Just a couple of slices. Your favorite was on sale since it was closing time… and I know you most likely still haven’t eaten yet.”  

He doesn’t wait for an answer, disappears into the bathroom, all while Jake’s guilt eats at him from the inside because yeah, they argued, they had a fight, and yet here they are. 

Jay had seen food that Jake likes and, despite it all, had bought it for him. 

Jake peeks into the plastic bag and true enough, it is his favorite pizza flavor. They seem strangely cut, larger than they should be, but he doesn’t touch them yet. Instead, he waits, listening, as he fumbles with this stupid essay. 

When he hears Jay stepping out of the bath, he shouts after him before the door to his room closes. 

“Have the other slice with me?” 

There’s a pause and, for a few seconds, Jake is so sure the answer is going to be no. 

It’s not. 

“Yeah sure,” Jay says. “Give me a sec to get dressed.”

Jake breathes a sigh of relief, counts the agreement as a small win, and starts rehearsing how he’ll apologize to Jay. 

Whatever reenacting he’s done in his head flies out the window though as soon as Jay’s seated in front of him, unpacking the pizza himself, not looking at him again. 

He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again fuck why is it so hard to apologize—

“I don’t know what you’re doing but just fucking eat,” Jay tells him, finally looking up, an amused lilt to his lips as he shoves one of the slices into his mouth. “You asshole, being so fucking moody with me…” 

Jake glares and grumbles as he takes a bite of his pizza, taking it from Jay, taking his time to chew because now he has no choice but to apologize for real. 

But he takes his time. Jay waits, doesn’t say anything either, the two of them eating their food awkwardly, in a kind of tense silence. 

Halfway through his slice, Jake just blurts it out. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Jay sighs and huffs. 

“You owe me. Again. I didn’t even do anything!”

But you did, Jake wants to tell him. 

Of course he doesn’t. 

“I already said I’m sorry,” he repeats, scowling his usual scowl. “I’m not going to expound.” 

Jay just shakes his head at him, almost done with his own slice. 

“Can’t even tell me after giving me a hard time…” 

He just scowls further. 

“Just… things.” 

Jay picks up some napkins and wipes his hands and fingers with it, leveling him with a serious stare. 

“What things? Why can’t you just tell me? Maybe it’ll make you feel better and you won’t take shit out on me.”

I can’t, I can’t. 

“Things,” he repeats, absently passing the crust of his pizza over to Jay who takes it without skipping a beat. He finishes it in three bites. “Things I want to keep to myself.” 

Jay sighs, mouth full, and rolls his eyes as he leans back on his chair. He has to chew a few more times before he’s finally able to speak. 

“Fine. Don’t tell me. I’m going to sleep,” he says sullenly, pushing himself up from the table. “Good night.” 

All of a sudden, it’s like they’re not ok again and just— 

“It’s because of you!” 

Jake should really start thinking first before saying things out of nowhere, out of strong emotion, but ever since… this, ever since these weird feelings he has for Jay started surfacing, it’s been so hard to regulate everything. 

Jay looks down at him in confusion. 

“Me? What did I do?” 

Jake licks his lips and sags in his chair, tilting his head up slightly to look at the ceiling, with a sigh. 

“Because you’re you. You just… lately, you’ve been doing… things. For me.” 

He hears it when Jay sits back down after a beat. For a moment, neither of them say anything. And then, eventually: 

“What things?” 

But even as he asks it, when Jake turns to look at Jay, to risk it, he finds he doesn’t seem as clueless as he is with that question. There’s something weird about his expression, something resigned. 

That little hope in his chest unfurls but no, no. 

“Nice things,” Jake says, having to clear his throat because for a second there his voice sounded hoarse. “Things you never do for me because you do them for the people you date.”

Another pause and, this time, it’s Jay who drops his gaze. This one goes on for a lot longer and Jake swallows, staring, very conscious of his breaths: how loud each one is, how Jay can definitely hear them. And he wonders, is this it? 

Is this the part where Jay tells him, don’t misunderstand, we’re just friends. 

But he says something else entirely as he looks up with some kind of determination in the sharpness of his eyes as his gaze meets Jake’s one more time.

“I stopped dating around because of you.” 

The confession, because that’s what it sounds like, stuns him enough that he catches his breath. Jay isn’t done though, talks on. 

“I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out to me: I always talk about you. Jake this, Jake that, I remember one time when Jake… and they got sick of it. Do you know what I mean?” 

No, he doesn’t. Or he does but Jake doesn’t want to assume things. He wants whatever this is to come from Jay directly, using select words, so it’s crystal clear. Is it possible…? 

Is Sunghoon right?

But he can’t find it in himself to say anything. The moment is so fragile and Jake feels like if he says something wrong, every instance that has led them here will come crashing down. Thank god Jay likes talking because he pushes on and fills the silence. 

“So I started paying attention and they’re right. I really always talk about you.” 

Jake swallows, equal parts elated and afraid. Is this it then? The deciding moment between him and Jay, the moment he’s been waiting for but dreading all this time. When he still doesn’t speak up, Jay leans forward and the expression on his face changes. 

It’s almost imploring. 

It’s almost begging. 

“Now’s the time to say something, Jake.” 

His heart is pounding in his chest but still, even as Jake opens his mouth, he hesitates. 

“I…” 

Just say it, just say it. 

But it’s so difficult. He can’t do it or, probably, he needs more time. 

Jay sighs again, this time out of frustration but it’s surprisingly laced with amusement. 

“Fine, I’ll say it first,” he says, closing his eyes for a moment as he drops his gaze for a second time before he looks back up. “I like you. Like… a lot. I’m not interested in dating anymore, not unless it’s you.” 

Jake exhales a breath he has no idea he’s been holding and fights off the smile forming on his lips. 

When he sees Jay laugh, he knows he’s failed. 

“Ok,” is all he says, making Jay gasp. 

“What do you mean ok?!”

Jake shrugs, looking away, his cheeks warm but, most of all, his chest full. This time, when the hope Jay had planted days and weeks ago inside him makes an attempt to bloom, he doesn’t stop it. 

He lets it be. 

“Ok, you can date me.” 

Jay laughs again but he stands up and goes around the table. 

Leans down so he and Jake are almost at face level. 

He’s grinning, as is Jake who feels his heart skip a beat when Jay takes his chin with his fingers to tilt his head up a little. 

“Say it back, Jake. Do it for the textbook.” 

It’s Jake’s turn to laugh and though he hesitates again, it’s more out of shyness because this… it’s new. He and Jay, they’ve never done this before. 

But it’s not unwelcome and though he feels silly for how he’d acted, well. 

They’re here. 

He likes me.

“I like you.” 

He watches Jay’s grin turn even brighter before he leans in and kisses him, something quick and sweet, before he pulls away. 

“Tomorrow. First date.” 

But Jake’s not interested in that, not yet, as he grabs Jay’s shirt to pull him forward and against him. 

“Shut up and keep kissing me.”