Work Text:
ACT I SCENE I
BARNARDO who up guardin they castle
FRANCISCO me lol
BARNARDO get ur tired ahh to bed bruh
HORATIO and MARCELLUS pull up
HORATIO hey besties
MARCELLUS horatio a ghost behind YOU 💜
enter GHOST
GHOST ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
HORATIO chat is this real
GHOST moans
HORATIO chat clip that shi
ACT I SCENE II
KING rip 2 my brother lol… but im king now so PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT
HAMLET ick
QUEEN son y u always gotta be on some emo shit. cringe imo
HAMLET it’s not a phase MOM
KING ok but likeee. in da clurb we all fam. so chill
HAMLET fuck off im serving suicidal and depressed at the function 🥀
HORATIO GIRLLL guess what
HAMLET lol what
HORATIO ur dad came back w the milk. but like as a ghost. no cap
HAMLET 😱
ACT I SCENE III
LAERTES omg sis im serioussss hamlet is frl an opp. it’s giving fuckboy. avoid at all costs
OPHELIA this is why u get zero bitches lil bro
POLONIUS get ur ahh to france already laertes
POLONIUS so girlieeee what’s been up with u and hamlet lately… spill the tea NOW
OPHELIA ok hear me out: hamlet
POLONIUS AW HELL NAH bsfr hamlet be giving red flag. who let her cook
ACT I SCENE IV
HAMLET it fucken wimdy
HORATIO we coldmaxxing out here
MARCELLUS where tf is this ghost
HAMLET sometimes i think i can still hear his voice…
enter GHOST
GHOST gay gay homosexual gay
HAMLET I Found My Dead Father’s Ghost Lurking Outside the Castle at 3AM??!! 😱 *NOT CLICKBAIT*
HORATIO cut the cameras, deadass
ACT I SCENE V
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
GHOST Where’s your anger? Where’s your fucking rage?
HAMLET dad what the fuck are you talking about
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
GHOST RISE
HAMLET ok preach tho... time to go crazy mode ig lol
ACT II SCENE I
OPHELIA dad i left hamlet on read like u told me to and now he keeps breaking in my room and going “that feeling when knee surgery is tomorrow” and not elaborating
POLONIUS hmmm. i diagnose him with Simp
ACT II SCENE II
KING so hamlet’s been acting highkey cray cray lately. i need y’all to find out what’s up
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN aight bet
POLONIUS GANG. i gotchu. u see, he’s only crazy bc he’s downbad for my daughter. observe
POLONIUS [reads letter] “ophelia, i just wanna be part of your SYMPHONYYYYYY - xoxo hamlet”
POLONIUS and this other one just says “GYAT”
KING LMFAOOO THATS CRAZY. WE CLOCKED HIM FR. CAUGHT IN 4K
QUEEN what a simp what a loser
POLONIUS ik ik i’m a genius [tiktok proud emoji]
HAMLET enters the chat as the KING and QUEEN leave the chat
POLONIUS sup hamlet
HAMLET MUSTARDDDDDDDDD
POLONIUS yo what are you on-
HAMLET on that hawk TUAH [vineboom]
POLONIUS nahhh
HAMLET incoherent screeching
POLONIUS im just tryna get my chipotle dawg
POLONIUS skedaddles as ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter the chat
GUILDENSTERN hey… dude… respectfully, tf is wrong w u
HAMLET wdym? i’m jsut a chill guy
ROSENCRANTZ u been actin coocoo
HAMLET i do a little trolling sometimes ok. smh it’s so hard being a silly goose in this anti-whimsy society 😔
HAMLET y r u guys even here lol
ROSENCRANTZ uhhh no reason dw abt it
HAMLET me when i lie
GUILDENSTERN shiiii u right man
HAMLET *sigh* guys. im depressed
POLONIUS reenters the chat
HAMLET i feel so sigma!
POLONIUS there’s some actors coming to the castle—
HAMLET THEY CANT CONTAIN MY SILLYNESS
POLONIUS can u genuinely get help
HAMLET the voices are getting louder
ACT III SCENE I
HAMLET chat should i kms yes or no. vote in the community poll on my channel
OPHELIA oh… that’s not-
HAMLET oop jumpscare lmfao
OPHELIA hey im soft blocking u so here’s ur love letters back
HAMLET ermmmm i never sent u letters
OPHELIA they’re here in my hand tf r u on abt? smh all a man wanna do is eat hot chip and lie… fake asf
HAMLET lol ur crazy and no one will ever believe u
OPHELIA alr it’s giving gaslighter
HAMLET bitch it’s giving nun the way ur abt to be SINGLE FOREVER
OPHELIA EXCUSE ME???
HAMLET don’t dm me. don’t pregnant man react me. we’re done
leaves
OPHELIA WHAT THE FRICKING FRICK
POLONIUS ophelia ur a queen. and queen never cry
KING top 5 bruh moments
ACT III SCENE II
HORATIO hey
HAMLET smash. next question
HORATIO what
HAMLET what
enter basically everyone else
QUEEN this play better be fire
HAMLET hey
OPHELIA tf do u want
HAMLET ya like jazz?
OPHELIA ayo..
HAMLET it’s miching mallecho… maching millecho… michelle obama
insert the play within a play here (i’m not writing out all that bc it’s boring af)
HAMLET absolute cinema
QUEEN is this fucking play about us?
KING i’m in this picture and i don’t like it
dips
HAMLET oh yeah. it’s all coming together. me in my sherlock era
ACT III SCENE III
KING aight fam i have a cunning plan. y’all gonna go w hamlet to england right. imma hit up the rulers there n have him murked
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN 👍
they leave
KING wait… am i a beta male villain?
kneels to pray
HAMLET i could kill him now while he’s not paying attention…
HAMLET …
HAMLET NAHHHH LMFAO
leaves
KING [getting up] MUAHAHA SIKE IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY GAVE A FUCK
ACT III SCENE IV
HAMLET mom r u a fucking narc
QUEEN BAAAA!!!! No wonder people are homophobic, this is scary AF!!!
POLONIUS [behind curtain] huh
HAMLET WHOMST
cutely stabs through the curtain (valid crashout?)
POLONIUS gagged
he dies lol
QUEEN hamlet wtf that wasn’t very demure very mindful of u
HAMLET uh oh sisters
GHOST enters the chat
GHOST HAMLET LOCK THE FUCK IN
HAMLET am i tweaking.
GHOST JUST PUT THE MURDER IN THE BAG BRO, SHIT AIN’T THAT HARD
GHOST also ur mom a slut ong
HAMLET I SAID IVE SEEN THIS GHOST BEFOREEEEEE
QUEEN nahhh u CRAZY crazy…
GHOST disappears lmao
HAMLET born to dilly dally, forced to lock in 😔
HAMLET mom stop glazing my uncle challenge
QUEEN unrealistic. blocked,
HAMLET wait u remember how im skedaddling to england soon right
QUEEN i forgor 💀
ACT IV SCENE I
QUEEN yo hamlet just unalived polonius
KING not poggers!
ACT IV SCENE II
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN yo bro where the dead body at
HAMLET ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
HAMLET L + ur both sponges lmfaooooo
ACT IV SCENE III
KING hamlet ur actually bein a massive bitch rn. where’d u hide polonius’s body
HAMLET yk what else is massive? LOW TAPER FADE
KING WHERE’S THE FUCKING CORPSE U LITTLE SHIT
HAMLET i ate him xx
KING [having an aneurysm] GET OUT
ACT IV SCENE IV
FORTINBRAS you know i had to do it to em (invading poland)
HAMLET who is this DIVA?
ACT IV SCENE V
OPHELIA but i stay silly :3 but i stay silly :3 but i stay silly :3 but i stay silly :3 but i stay silly :3 but i stay silly :3 but i stay sil
QUEEN soooo she’s highkey deranged but likeeee… in a coquette way yk. w the flowers n shit
OPHELIA [sings] from the screen to the ring to the pen to the king where’s my crown that’s my bling always drama when i ring see i believe th
noclips out the room
KING yall this is getting freaky
LAERTES + DANES enter the chat
LAERTES wyd when my GANG PULL UP⁉️
KING rude
LAERTES where’s my FUCKING FATHER you [REDACTED]
QUEEN girly calm
KING when im in a being dead competition and my opponent is polonius
LAERTES >:(
ACT IV SCENE VI
FIRST SAILOR y’all got mail
HORATIO [reads letter] “hey sooo funny story i lowk got kidnapped by pirates omw to england lol but nbd. i’m back and i’ve got a ton of infodumping to do so hurry n pick me up pls pookie - xoxo hamlet”
HORATIO chat we’re so back
ACT IV SCENE VII
LAERTES #cancelhamlet
KING on skibidi
MESSENGER hey king, opp sent u a letter
KING [reads] “two steps ahead. i am always two steps ahead. -hamlet”
KING wtf
LAERTES omg can i PLEASE kill hamlet PLEASE. i need to kill hamlet so BAD pleasepleaseplease
KING laertes we need to cook
KING how abt u stab him in an Epic Swordfight
LAERTES bet say less
QUEEN enters the chat
QUEEN aur naur cleo the condensation (ophelia drowned)
LAERTES say sike right now ☹️
KING still water?
ACT V SCENE I
FIRST CLOWN chat do we dig it?!
SECOND CLOWN yessss dig that grave girliepop, holding space for this frfr
HAMLET and HORATIO pull up
FIRST CLOWN [singing] i’m in the thick of it everybody knows they know me where it snows i skied in and they froze i don’t know nothin bout no ice i’m just cold i d
HAMLET are we being deadass…
FIRST CLOWN wtf dead ppl aren’t asses that’s so rude omgggg
HAMLET :skull:
HORATIO u good?
HAMLET this time i’m really going to do it.
OPHELIA’s funeral procession pulls up
LAERTES this is so sad, alexa play despacito
HAMLET YO square the FUCK UP
LAERTES BITCH???
they literally just throw down in the grave… hamlet pls grow the hell up challenge 😭
QUEEN the girls are fightinggggg
KING WHOA WHOA WHOA guys calm urselves i BEG
HAMLET not laertes thinking he could one up my love for ophelia. ts pmo
leaves
KING erm… well that just happened
QUEEN this is crazier than drake vs kendrick
ACT V SCENE II
HAMLET mb for jumping laertes back there, it will happen again. also rosencrantz n guildenstern r defo getting slayed (literally) in england rn lol… L + deserved
HORATIO that’s crazy
OSRIC have you ever had a dream that you um you had you’d you would you could you’d do wi you wants you you could do so you you’d do you could you you want you wanted him to do you so much you could do anything
HAMLET not the ipad kid 💀
OSRIC there’s a duel
HAMLET sounds lit
dropkicks OSRIC out of the room
HORATIO chat i fear we’re cooked
HAMLET nah im locked. trust
enter basically everyone
HAMLET in my defense laertes, who cares like omfggggggg who cares???? like come onnnn
LAERTES fucking KILL YOURSELF
swordfight starts
KING [putting poison in the wine cup] forbidden juice…
LAERTES stabs HAMLET and then they switch swords somehow and HAMLET stabs him back
LAERTES ah fuck. i can’t believe you’ve done this
QUEEN [chugging forbidden juice] i like my wine poisoned bruh
dies
HAMLET yo wtf
LAERTES surprise my sword was poisoned asl so we both boutta die lol. hashtag twinning
HAMLET :/
HAMLET DIE BITCH
stabs KING + pours forbidden juice down his throat
KING i just got pwned
dies
LAERTES get his ass
dies
HAMLET chat it’s so over
HORATIO im actually so done. imagine if i drank poison rn… lol jk jk… unless
HAMLET nooo don’t kys ur so sexy aha
dies
HORATIO :(
FORTINBRAS + army show up to the function 10 minutes late w starbucks
FORTINBRAS srry im late i was busy serving brat in poland
FORTINBRAS yooooo why everyone dead here TFFFF
HORATIO f in the chat for like… basically everyone
FORTINBRAS f
FIRST AMBASSADOR f
HORATIO so ig we need to have funerals and i need to spill all the crazy tea that happened
FORTINBRAS yaaaaas we need all the tea sis
FORTINBRAS wait i ate this denmark invasion up lowk, didn’t even have to do shit… ez gg