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Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

                                                                                                                                                                                                       - Leviticus 18:22

There was a point when Shen Jiu grew indifferent to what was happening under his father’s guidance. If anything he felt that they all deserved it. Even as they pleaded with him and hoped that he as the son of the pastor would try to understand them. It was always the same, them trying to argue that God wouldn’t want his servants to do this to his beloved children. 

Who were the beloved children of their God Shen Jiu truly didn’t know.

These were all demons.

They needed to be abolished and the real children of God needed salvation. Who else if not Shen Jiu’s father would provide it to them?

“Try to put on a welcoming smile,” startled Shen Jiu turned his head to look at the man in black robes approaching. “After all, we are helping them.” There was a forced smile on the man’s face though Shen Jiu could definitely see a glint of excitement in his eyes when the man scanned over a group of young boys. 

“Yes, father.” Shen Jiu nodded but his expression did not change if anything he felt even more disgusted now. He knew father’s expression way too well, he knew what the man would do to those that he took liking to.

Shen Jiu used to be one of those boys.

Though his relationship with his father was way more complicated. Shen Jiu wasn’t brought here as a sinner like those boys. His father Wu Yanzi adopted him and since then Shen Jiu has been helping around this place quite often when he wasn’t at school. At first Wu Yanzi would entrust Shen Jiu with small tasks but recently he has given Shen Jiu more responsibilities. After all, Wu Yanzi expected him to take over at one point.

Shen Jiu watched as his father slowly stepped forward when all the present children, mostly similar to Shen Jiu’s age, finished departing the bus. Most of them were utterly confused as to why they were here. At one point Shen Jiu pushed Wu Yanzi’s voice to the back of his mind since he had Wu Yanzi’s whole welcoming speech memorised. He just started looking over the other kids, checking them, looking for possible troublemakers.

There was a one who looked older than the rest, a tall kid who definitely stood out just by his handsome looks. Shen Jiu furrowed his eyebrows and slightly shook his head. 

“... - and this is my son Shen Jiu,” Wu Yanzi gestured towards him. “Just like me, he shall do his best to provide any guidance you might need.” Another creepy smile with a pointed look appeared on Wu Yanzi’s face, there was definitely someone who already caught his fancy.

Disgusting animals, Shen Jiu thought to himself. The pot calling the kettle black. His eyes wandered back to the tall kid. He seemed way too calm than the others. Especially after it was revealed that their parents sent them to this camp to set them back on the right path. 

Maybe he was here voluntarily? Well, that would be a rather unusual occurrence. None sane person would go through this camp if they had a choice.

                                                                                                     ******

“We did not raise you to be like this.” 

“Our beloved Lord would not make you like this. It's the work of your late parents.”

Tired Yue Qingyuan scratched his short hair, staring at his feet mostly as other kids were getting out of the bus. His expression was solemn as most of them had no idea what this place was supposed to be. 

Neither did I choose to be like this. He thought to himself slightly bitter yet he agreed when the pastor of their church brought up the question of curing therapy. He wanted to try, at least for the sake of his parents since they looked like their whole world was about to end.

They would pray for Yue Qingyuan and make Yue Qingyuan confess everything to their pastor, though the man wouldn’t ask for details. Though his parents wished to know all the details, they forced Yue Qingyuan to repeat over and over again why another male makes him sexually aroused. The worst was when they went around the church, showing Yue Qingyuan’s confiscated magazines asking the other members if it was turning them on.

There was no way for Yue Qingyuan to escape. Either Yue Qingyuan would show a genuine desire to change or they would make him and so Yue Qingyuan was left torn, lost and confused. There was a tiny voice deep within him telling him that he could never change who he was and doing so to soothe others wouldn’t help because his true self will come out.

Sooner or later.

Still Yue Qingyuan decided that he would try. 

For the sake of his parents, ignoring the fact that before sending him off to the camp, they considered asking for exorcism. Yet he was standing in front of another pastor who was saying that there was a demon inside of him, leading him away from the right path.

Maybe their pastor just didn’t want to dirty his hands with exorcism and this would do it, why else would the man even mention that there were demons inside of each and every boy that got outside of the bus.

Was there really something wrong with him? With either of them who stood there?

If God was so loving then why would he make an exception for them?  

Repent.

If you repent enough God will forgive you.

God loves you. Jesus loves you.

Can I really cast off my sin if my whole existence is one? Can I truly be forgiven?

Yue Qingyuan blinked a few times, slightly annoyed at his own thoughts. He hated these thoughts and so finally he looked up to the small podium where was the man who called himself Wu Yanzi and his son Shen Jiu.

For some reason the younger boy… seemed oddly familiar.  

                                                                                                     ******

Wu Yanzi approached Yue Qingyuan, gently placing a hand on his hair while muttering a prayer before he left for another one. They were in the small chapel which was probably built before the camp but got integrated into it. So far kneeling for hours and praying was for the first few days the only thing they had to do after settling into their modest habitats.

Kneeling for hours even though Yue Qingyuan had genuinely tried wasn’t as easy as one would expect. Even so given the fact they had nothing to lessen the burden for their knees, instead they all had to kneel on the hard ground while Wu Yanzi went to single one of them and recited the same verses to each one of them.

However it had one positive side, well at least for Yue Qingyuan, as he was able to think why Shen Jiu seemed familiar to him. It took him days but he finally figured it out.

Yue Qingyuan lifted his head for a split second, feeling the intense stare on him. His eyes met with Shen Jiu’s, who was there observing the work of his father but stayed far away from them mostly. The other boy quickly turned his head away, his expression angry.

“Hey, you shouldn’t be looking around.” Wu Yanzi’s voice was cold as he slowly made his way back towards the front row where Yue Qingyuan knelt. “Do you think you have repented enough ?” Clearly the pastor was very annoyed with him, even if this kid was cooperating for now, it seemed that he would soon become a troublemaker.

Wu Yanzi had an eye for that. He turned his head to the side, his gaze looking for one of the boys who were kneeling in the last row. Just like this one, a creepy smile flashed through his face.

“There is never enough,” Wu Yanzi continued, his hand still holding onto Yue Qingyuan, forcing him to look down at the ground. “We need to continue the prayers.” Finally he let go of Yue Qingyuan’s head and slowly walked back to the last row. “So many lost lambs,” Wu Yanzi tsked to himself, his fingers ruffling the dark hair of another boy.

A special one.

Wu Yanzi couldn’t suppress the sadistic grin which appeared on his face.

But he didn’t have to, nobody would see, nobody would know.

Ever.

Shen Jiu scowled. He was disgusted but not sure if he was disgusted because of the sinners who all gathered in the chapel or because of his father being like that . He scanned over the room then his gaze stopped on the dude whomst his father reprimanded just a few moments ago. His clothes were all branded, he must have been from a well off family, yet he ended up here.

Shameful. Shen Jiu's scowl deepened. 

All these people gathered here were just spitting into the face of their Creator by simply existing .

By loving the wrong way.  

                                                                                                     ******

The hands were touching Shen Jiu…

Everywhere…

They were tainting him as he cried out in pain. There were times when he tried to put on a brave face but he knew that the whole ordeal would be only much more cruel if neither of the monsters got what they wanted out of him…

“Lift up your ass,” a voice pierced through Shen Jiu’s mind.

Even if Shen Jiu did not obey the command, they would not stop.

Abruptly Shen Jiu opened his eyes, his heart rate was high as if he just finished running a marathon. “Dream, it was just a dream,” Shen Jiu tried to calm himself, at least there was nobody else with him in the room. Nobody could witness this state of weakness Shen Jiu just experienced because of some…. Stupid nightmare. This was a feeling Shen Jiu could never scrub off himself even if he stood under the shower head for hours.

Even though that was just a dream he felt dirty.

Dream. Shen Jiu fisted his sheets frustrated, the root of his nose hurting as he tried to suppress his tears yet he couldn’t do the same about the trembling. When will it truly become just a bad dream?

Will I ever be free? Does it count as a sin even if I didn’t want it?

Shen Jiu was a sinner just like everybody else present in the camp.

“Are you up, Shen Jiu?” Wu Yanzi didn’t knock, he opened the door but Shen Jiu knew there was nothing to worry about anymore. Wu Yanzi didn’t find him attractive enough anymore.

“Yes, father. I just woke up.” Shen Jiu muttered, rubbing his eyes to hide away any  sign of him almost crying.

“Come to breakfast as quickly as you can. Today we will select the more persistent ones that you can take under your care.” He turned to walk away but stopped in the middle of the door. “And don’t forget that you are meeting with Maria today.”

“Yes, father…” For a long while Shen Jiu stared at the door which Wu Yanzi left open, then he began to prepare himself for the day.

Still feeling the chills run down his spine as a reminder of the dream.

Just a dream.

                                                                                                     ******

“Hey,” Yue Qimgyuan smiled brightly at Shen Jiu who was just passing by with some paperwork on his way to Wu Yanzi’s office. Annoyed, Shen Jiu tried to ignore Yue Qimgyuan as he hated overly confident and handsome types. 

“You are Shen Jiu, right?” It was a stupid question, still Yue Qingyuan desperately wanted to talk with this boy. This boy whom Yue Qingyuan remembered from the orphanage, the boy whom Yue Qingyuan promised to marry when they were still small children.

At that time Shen Jiu seemed happy with the arrangement, so what has changed in those years since Shen Jiu was adopted? 

“Do you remember-“

“Shut the fuck up, disgusting homo .” Shen Jiu spat out, his voice dripping with poison.

Ah yes, I have heard everything whenever you were the one confessing to my father… 

Yue Qingyan’s smile faltered, yet he decided not to back down. “Let me help you,” he offered instead, stretching his arms towards the paperwork stash which Shen Jiu was still holding. Angry, the other boy just huffed and turned away from him with a clear intent to leave.

Do you remember… 

Remember what? That we used to be friends in the orphanage?

It took Shen Jiu a few days to investigate Yue Qingyuan’s background but with the fact how friendly the other boy tried to be, there were no doubts that Yue Qingyuan must have been the boy who was Shen Jiu’s friend in the orphanage. That also led Shen Jiu to the conclusion that Yue Qingyuan turning out like this must have been truly the doing of an evil entity.

Yue Qingyuan or more like Yue Qi wasn’t like back then.

Yue Qi wasn’t a fag.

Yue Qingyuan stared at Shen Jiu’s back, slightly confused by that reaction but again Shen Jiu seemed to hate Yue Qingyuan’s very existence. Was it really just because Yue Qingyuan liked romantically other men or was there something more involved? 

I can hear the Devil talking through you, child. Yue Qingyuan bit his bottom lip in frustration, maybe if he was normal Shen Jiu would be friends with him again? Nobody would treat him like a leper. Though thinking from his own perspective Yue Qingyuan should view Shen Jiu as a Devil, right?

Shen Jiu turned Yue Qingyuan into a disgusting fag. 

“Do you not have your assigned chores, boy?” A deep voice pulls Yue Qingyuan out of his thoughts.

“I was on my way there, Father,” Yue Qingyuan didn’t even have to look up like the majority of the boys to see into the pastor's eyes.

“I see.” Wu Yanzi quickly scanned over him and then landed his eyes on Shen Jiu’s back. “Be on your way then.” Wu Yanzi noted to himself that he will have to ask Shen Jiu about his relationship toward this sinner. He faintly remembered there used to be a child who sent letters to Shen Jiu when he was still with his other adoptive family.  

                                                                                                     ******

Though Yue Qingyuan did come here voluntarily, he knew already even before subjecting himself to more humiliating experiences of the camp that it would not really help. He definitely felt no internal changes happening with each day passing and. If anything he might have started to feel slightly resentful towards the way he and others were being treated just for being like this.

For simply loving a way which wasn’t a norm to the majority.

Arguing that everybody is born different wouldn’t really do much, since he was all here alone and the pastor held all the power over him and was definitely not scared to use it against Yue Qingyuan if it would be necessary.

“The pastor isn’t really a good man,” Yue Qingyuan muttered to himself and turned his head away from the letter which was sent by his parents. 

Every adult who was involved was a bad person.

It has been a month since he was sent away, some kids have already left the camp and were proclaimed being cured while Yue Qingyuan was kept here and even transferred into a different part of the camp. Cons were that it probably meant he would spend a whole summer in this no-name place but the pros were that now Shen Jiu was in charge of him and he could see him more often.

Well, that was the one and only perk.

“Qingyuan, you’re on the cleaning duty today, so stop slacking off,” SHen Jiu’s hand peaked through the fabrics which substituted as doors in this place because they weren’t allowed the luxury of privacy. It was to prevent any things between the teenagers happening because… obviously a bunch of teenagers would sooner or later try something. Though there were already some couples which formed through this experience.

For some reason Yue Qingyuan was extremely popular among his peers and there would always be someone trying to confess to him. But there was only one person for Yue Qingyuan… and that only person hated the very existence of his.

“Yes,” Yue Qingyuan put the letter away. He wanted to thrash it but that would have to wait.

He absolutely refused to write his parents back.

“Do you know where the cleaning supplies are?” Shen Jiu asked once Yue Qingyuan got out of the room which was the place where he would retire for the night. 

“I do but you are the one who has keys.” Yue Qingyuan smiled at Shen Jiu, he always enjoyed when Shen Jiu would remind him of the chores. It made him feel a little bit special because Shen Jiu wouldn’t remind anyone else. 

“Right,” Shen Jiu rolled his eyes and turned away from Yue Qingyuan. “You need to clean the whole chapel today from dusting the altar to mopping the floors.” The boy reminded him while they walked slowly towards the shed which was full of the necessary tools. It has to be locked away just in case.

Someone could come up with a bright idea to make themselves sick by drinking that and trying to leave the camp early. Though what was stopping them once they were left alone doing the chores.

For Yue Qingyuan, being around Shen Jiu even in a situation like this was an extremely tortuous thing. He wished to freely touch Shen Jiu and confess all his love to him but only Shen Jiu of the past would have been open to accept it. The Shen Jiu of the present absolutely abhorred anything remotely close to homosexuality.

“W-watch out!” Yue Qingyuan grabbed Shen Jiu’s hand, pulling him over to himself and hiding him away from the falling plastic buckets which were placed wrongly at the top shelf and just waiting for someone to bump into the regal.

Shen Jiu did not even manage to react until he was closely pressed between Yue Qingyuan’s taller body and other shelves.

“L-let me go!” Shen Jiu screamed, startled and panicked, Yue Qingyuan was still holding his hand. “Y-you…!” Shen Jiu looked up to Yue Qingyuan, his eyes wide open. At first he wanted to start reprimanding Yue Qingyuan, yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not when that big body was pressing against him.

The feelings that surged from deep inside greatly confused Shen Jiu.

“Get away from me for fucks sake!” Shen Jiu tried to push Yue Qingyuan away with all his might but Yue QIngyuan wouldn’t budge. Suddenly he was feeling as if he was trapped under Yue Qingyuan’s body and all of his uncomfortable memories would flood his mind. This time he didn’t think twice, losing his reason, he instinctively swung his fist and hit Yue Qingyuan in the face.

“Do you think that I am an easy prey?!” Shen Jiu was huffing, the uncomfortable feeling creeping all over his body wouldn’t leave and he was doing his best not to try shaking.

“N-no!” Yue Qingyuan stuttered. “You-you misunderstand!” He lifted his hands towards Shen JIu which made the other boy try to leave but in the narrow aisle of the shed between regals it was rather hard.

“Don’t even try to touch me!” Shen Jiu screamed, avoiding Yue Qingyuan all together. 

“You’ll be punished for that.” Though Shen Jiu had said that, there was still another lingering feeling which was making him greatly confused. He didn’t hate when Yue Qingyuan would rub against him even if by accident.

Shen Jiu didn’t feel that much of a threat from him.

                                                                                                     ******

After this Shen Jiu started to keep his distance away from Yue Qingyuan, yet he couldn’t stop thinking about how close Yue Qingyuan was to him at that moment. He could even recall his scent at the moment, the cheap soap his father distributed in the camp. The way Yue Qingyuan felt overwhelming when looming over him with his height yet Shen Jiu felt no fear. 

Whenever he remembered that moment, his face flushed, his heart started beating hard and the biggest betrayal of all was that he had gotten hard numerous times whenever his eyes laid upon Yue Qingyuan and his broad shoulders.

Shen Jiu never felt liked when he held Maria’s hand out on their dates or when they secretly kissed. She even let him touch her a few times, trying to initiate something more between them when they were not under chaperones anymore.

Shen Jiu knew that what he felt towards the girl he was courting was just a brotherly affection.

He could never reciprocate her feelings, yet he was still playing this little game of his father. Maybe unknowingly he was using Maria as protection. As long as he was dating Maria, father wouldn’t touch him.

“Hey!” a girl’s voice pulled Shen Jiu out of his thoughts, he was startled and his cheeks immediately reddened with embarrassment. “You seem out of it today. Did something happen at home?” She asked him, smiling gently.

“Sorry,” Shen Jiu muttered almost immediately and looked over her hand which she suddenly placed on his thigh, stroking it.

“I haven’t seen you much in church recently, are you helping Father Wu with his summer camp again?” She asked him while moving closer to him, placing her head on Shen Jiu’s shoulder.

“Mn,” Shen Jiu hummed noncommittally. Everybody in this city thought that the camp his father was running was just a regular religious thing. Nobody knew that it was a place where they tried to help these disgusting homos.

Though even Wu Yanzi knew damn well that this camp was helping nobody. All he cared about was the money he could lure out of the stupid parents. Whatever happened to the children as a direct result of the therapy was none of his concern. Neither did Shen Jiu care, he just had to do everything that father told him.

As long as there was peace in his life then he didn’t care much.

“Father is making me take on more responsibilities because he wants to eventually just solely focus on running the church while I could stay working around the camp.” 

Maria closed her eyes and sighed. “Well, then that means I will eventually come around and help you with the camp, no?” She caressed SHen Jiu’s hand, entwining their fingers together.

“I don’t think the labour around the camp is something you should be doing.” Shen Jiu wasn’t trying to be dismissive of her abilities but he didn’t wish for her to know Wu Yanzi’s and indirectly Shen JIu’s dirty secret.

Her saying that also meant that she expected to marry Shen Jiu.

For some reason Shen Jiu didn’t feel exactly content thinking about his future playing out like this, marrying someone out of duty and not for love…

“Stop thinking too much, whatever is weighing you down right now will definitely soon stop being the root of your worries.” Maria wanted Shen Jiu’s attention, after all they didn’t see each other very often. Of course she would want the attention of a man she liked, she would eventually become a wife of.

While Shen Jiu felt as if his throat was closing just by thinking about spending the rest of his life with Maria, she couldn’t stop smiling at the mere thought of it.

“I suppose,” Shen Jiu managed to choke out, his breathing was uneven even though he was trying his best to appear calm. 

He wanted to get away from her.

Her presence was suddenly suffocating for Shen Jiu, though he harboured no ill will towards her. 

Accepting a future with Maria, meant for Shen Jiu that he would accept Wu Yanzi still being in control of his life.

Shen Jiu didn’t want that.

He wished to be free.

To be able to freely express himself.

                                                                                                     ******

Yue Qingyuan would lie if he wouldn’t admit that staying here was rather exhausting. 

Both mentally and physically, though right now what he felt was definitely a physical fatigue as he spent the last two hours pulling out the weeds from the crops under the ruthless sun. It was one of the chores that they were assigned here to do among many others because Wu Yanzi’s rhetoric was that honest work would help expel the demons out.

Honest work, huh. 

Yue Qingyuan lifted his head, looking up to the sun for a second before his gaze settled down on the wooden shed. He wiped off a sweat from his forehead and tried to pull away from his skin t-shirt that was glued to it now. Yue Qingyuan’s gaze was fixed towards the shed now and he felt all sorts of feelings flooding not only into his mind. His groin throbbed with excitement as he bit his own lip.

That time he was so close to Shen Jiu, he could feel him. Their bodies pressed against each other, rubbing against each other for a brief moment.

He was guilty of wanting more of lusting over another man while staying in a camp which should correct him and set him back on the righteous way.

“Shit,” Yue Qingyuan shook his head and chuckled under his breath. He got lost in thoughts and now there was a raging boner in his pants. At least he was here alone, otherwise that could have been very embarrassing for him. He put aside the bucket full of the weeds which he was pulling until now and stood up, quickly moving towards the wooden shed. He wanted to hide away in case anyone would come.

The first thought was to just wait until he would calm down, yet closer he was to the shed, the more he knew that he wouldn’t be able to do that. As a young healthy man, he was simply pent up and the fact that the subject of his affections was so close yet so far.

There were days when Yue Qingyuan would wish to meet Shen Jiu under different circumstances. To be able to confess his sympathies towards the other boy, to be able to hold his hand freely… Yue Qingyuan grunted, his pants had an obvious tent now and were tight.

He needed to release it now. 

He leaned against the wall of the shed which faced towards the forest. There was a fence around it of course, so the wild animals wouldn’t wander onto the property of the camp or maybe it was to hold the boys confined within the area. Who knows. Yue Qingyuan opened the belt of his pants, his hands slightly trembling impatiently. 

“Fuck,” he cursed again, a good christian boy shouldn’t be using such words.

A good christian boy wouldn’t be lusting over his friend. 

Could he even call Shen Jiu a friend now when the other boy wouldn’t acknowledge him? 

The thoughts were becoming scattered, Yue Qingyuan was losing his focus, all he needed was to release his lust. His cock twitched, eager.

Finally he managed to pull down his pants while sliding down to the ground, a straw hat fell more into his face. Yet it didn’t matter now, nobody would walk around this side of the shed, he knew that very well. Yue Qingyuan grabbed his cock at the base, letting out a soft moan as he slowly rubbed it a few times. With that he recalled Shen Jiu’s scent and he was able to smell at the moment their bodies briefly pressed against each other, the warmness of his body.

He got immersed into his fantasy very quickly, recalling the moment changed into him slowly undressing Shen Jiu, touching his smaller frame as they would kiss each other. Yue Qingyuan did imagine that Shen Jiu might have never kissed anyone and maybe would be a little awkward about it. His hand picked up the pace with which he rubbed his whole length. The precum wet his fingers as he continued solely focused on bringing himself to completion.

Because of that he didn’t see nor hear steps which echoed from around the shed, even the shocked gasp escaped his attention. That much Yue Qingyuan was determined, suddenly he was pulled out of his fantasy when someone snatched the hat away from his face and he found himself looking into the pale green eyes. His face was flushed with arousal but now with embarrassment too.

He was found out?!

There was a stinging hint of not being able to come before the other boy caught him red handed, yet Shen Jiu only continued staring at him. Well, he stared into Yue Qingyuan’s eyes first but then his eyes moved. With curiosity he had to check what Yue Qingyuan was holding in his hand and it was massive for a teenager.

“What do you think you’re doing here?” Shen Jiu’s voice was unexpectedly calm and almost silent.

Yue Qingyuan’t gulped guiltily. At least Shen Jiu didn’t hear him whispering his name, right?

“Doing things a healthy young man should do,” Yue Qingyuan answered, his was slightly rough and breathing uneven. He hated that he was deprived of his orgasm just now but weirdly it felt good . That he needed just a bit more work before deserving an orgasm.

Shen Jiu pulled away from Yue Qingyuan, his inner world was in disarray, his mind was confused. Seeing Yue Qingyuan naked like this didn’t repulse the other boy. If anything he felt something he shouldn’t be. A sort of attraction when his eyes glossed over Yue Qingyuan’s debauched state. His slightly wet T-shirt, dirty face and fingers from working the field the whole day, his big hand still holding the base of his humongous cock.

“Hmph,” Shen Jiu scowled and sat right in front of Yue Qingyuan, a straw hat in front of him. “Continue then, I shall see to the end of this thing you are doing here right now.” Shen Jiu gulped, he wanted to touch Yue Qingyuan’s lean body.

It wouldn’t be the first time he felt like this but it was definitely the first time he acted on this.

Of course, Yue Qingyuan didn’t expect a reaction like this and was absolutely stunned when Shen Jiu’s palm pressed against his stomach. His breath hitched as looked first down and then up. If anything he was counting until Shen Jiu would start screaming profanities at him. Since moving to the part of the camp which was catered around trying to crack down more on the more rebellious boys, Shen Jiu would always treat them as crap.

“I-I…” He wanted to say something but his mind was suddenly empty.

“Huh, can’t do even such an easy task like this.” Shen Jiu tsked under his breath. “How else are you supposed to release the devil from your body when you act on your urges? You shall see the end of it.” Shen Jiu was just too close. His breath ghosted over Yue Qingyuan’s lips and it was torturous.

Yue Qingyuan wanted to kiss Shen Jiu but was scared. He feared to push the boy away even further with this action. However it would be okay no? Shen Jiu was caressing his stomach, even if in a curious manner, Shen Jiu was still touching him.

“H-hey, k-kiss me.” It was a bold request and Shen Jiu for some reason obliged.

That would be the beginning of their fall.

                                                                                                     ******

Of course it went all downhill for Shen Jiu the longer he interacted with Yue Qingyuan, the longer the other boy was around in the camp where Shen Jiu… Still Shen Jiu would force the beliefs he himself was questioning more and more with each day onto others. Onto Yue Qingyuan. He had to get through Yue Qingyuan’s head because the other boy became more and more daring.

Yue Qingyuan would try to talk to Shen Jiu alone, he would wait for Shen Jiu, purposely delaying his own tasks knowing that Shen Jiu would show up and berate him for that. It was after all part of Shen Jiu’s responsibilities to properly oversee if the campers were finishing up their tasks. The more they stayed in each other’s presence, Shen Jiu’s hypocrisy would peek out.

Until Yue Qingyuan has had enough.

Shen Jiu was forcing him to confess how dirty and disgusting it was to feel attraction to another man, yet he very much enjoyed it when they kissed that day. 

With a loud thud the axe made its way through the wood. Yue Qingyuan sighed deeply, the work he had to do around the camp was more and more demanding the longer he was there. Actually right now he was the longest here out of all of the other campers and he absolutely refused to back down.

He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he had to fake anything about himself. Yue Qingyuan was dead set on the fact that he wished no he wanted to live authentically. He wanted to live as himself without being shamed for it, without others pointing fingers at him and trying to change him.

If anything this camp gave him, it was a stronger sense of determination. 

Yue Qingyuan wouldn’t lose himself in a religion which hated his very own being.

Shen Jiu tilted his head to the side, he sat there quiet, watching Yue Qingyuan diligently cutting the wood and lining it up by the shed’s wall. Even though Yue Qingyuan wasn’t definitely working out, his body was still very athletic and muscles flexed on his arms whenever he cut the block of wood with the axe.

Though Shen Jiu’s relaxed expression slowly turned into scowl when he noticed his body once again betraying him in Yue Qingyuan’s presence. Did he just get an erection simply from watching a man cutting some wood??? 

“Hmph,” Shen Jiu quickly got up and didn’t even bother to say a word, still his abrupt leave caught Yue Qingyuan’s attention and he noted to himself that Shen Jiu has been behaving weirdly whenever it was just the two of them. A small smile appeared on Yue Qingyuan’s face, Shen Jiu was definitely cracked now and he had to thread carefully his next steps.

When Yue Qingyuan was finally done with all the work, the sun was setting and Shen Jiu returned as if nothing happened. The younger boy carefully inspected the lined up blocks.

“Dinner’s ready,” the boy turned to Yue Qingyuan, there was a scowl on his face after noticing that Yue Qingyuan pulled down his T-shirt in the meantime, showing off his sweaty body.

“Something’s been bothering me.” Yue Qingyuan ignored Shen Jiu telling him to go eat. He grabbed his hand and then quickly pressed him against the shed’s wall right next to the lined up wood. He brought his face closer to Shen Jiu’s, grip on Shen Jiu’s hand still strong as he kept Shen Jiu in one place. “I noticed the way you are watching my every step. You are just like me, like everybody here.” 

Shen Jiu widened his eyes, angrily pushing against Yue Qingyuan’s naked chest with his free hand.

“Fuck.” Shen Jiu spat into Yue Qingyuan’s face. “Do you think I am dirty… hmphhhh…” Yue Qingyuan didn’t let him finish, he pressed their lips together, forced his way with a knee between Shen Jiu’s thighs. Shen Jiu tried to protest but those quickly died out when Yue Qingyuan slipped with his tongue inside of Shen Jiu’s mouth. There was a brief moment when Shen Jiu even reciprocated the kiss but once Yue Qingyuan relaxed his grip, Shen Jiu slipped away from him. 

There was a disgusted expression on his face now as he wiped his lips off with a thumb. 

"You disgusting fag ." He spat out, drying his mouth once again. "I am not like you , you animal. Haven't you learned anything?! God hates people like you! God hates you !" Shen Jiu even pointed a finger at him as if it wasn’t clear who he was talking about. 

"Shen Jiu, how can you be so close minded when we are still were in orpha-..."

"Shut up! You think I want to become a fucking sissy?! You think I'll like it like... like..." Shen Jiu's face turned red when he tried to describe the way two gay men usually have sex. "I showed you pictures of... of damage down there. What can happen! Yet you still lust over another man?!" 

“You devil,” There were tears running down Shen Jiu’s face.

It hurts! It hurts! Father please stop!

                                                                                                     ******

Shen Jiu’s whole world was upside down. He was confused and scared. Fearful of what the future would bring if he’d admitted there might have been a truth in Yue Qingyuan’s words. He had been taught that being gay was a bad thing and that the only way to ever reach the ultimate happiness and God’s favour was to live as a faithful husband to a woman.

Pray and be humble.

Of course he would now be scared that God will hate him too after doing his best . After helping others to get back on the right track. Shen Jiu was feeling extremely conflicted. There wouldn’t be a night when he wouldn’t vigorously pray and cry, asking for forgiveness, begging God to take away whatever Yue Qingyuan had awoken in him. Shen Jiu even cried during these prayers because he was so, so scared of his true self.

Facing the truth that he might have actually liked Yue Qingyuan.

That even after everybody hurting him so badly, he still felt attraction towards one of his fellow peers.

He can't be like the men who hurt him! He can't be a fag, he can't! Just can't.

Shen Jiu struggled so much with these thoughts. He even stooped so low to harm himself a few times, hoping the injury would help him relieve the demons planted inside by Yue Qingyuan. It didn’t happen once, he had done it several times before. 

Now God definitely hates him too because... because he might really feel attraction towards…

With his inner conflict, he still invited Yue Qingyuan into his office, lying that he needed help with administration around the camp. There wasn’t really much that could have been done, accounting was after all still Wu Yanzi’s job. However the office was the only safe space where they could…

Where Shen Jiu could... explore whatever happened to him. 

"How do I fix myself?" He asked Yue Qinyuan one day, placing his hands on the table, leaving against the edge of it but Yue Qingyuan said nothing, he just leaned in and kissed him.

You're being tainted. I’m being tainted.

His inner voices were screaming viciously, telling him all sorts of ugly things.

None of which were true.

"You don't need fixing." Yue Qingyuan started slowly opening Shen Jiu’s button up t-shirt. " None of us needs fixing, " 

Shen Jiu kissed him back and allowed Yue Qingyuan to undress him. Suddenly he found his hand rubbing against Yue Qingyuan’s crotch, palming his cock slowly as they gave each other handjob. 

It felt so good, so sinful .

"I want you." Yue Qingyuan moaned into Shen Jiu’s lips before moving away, he kissed his ear and lifted Shen Jiu up, moving him further into the table. His fingers brushed over Shen Jiu’s entrance which clenched under the touch. "Shen Jiu, I want to fuck you so much." 

“I…” Shen Jiu briefly looked at Yue Qingyuan’s cock which he let go before the other lifted him up. He was visibly reluctant but there was hidden desire in his eyes.

“If you say that you don’t want it then we won’t do it…” Yue Qingyuan’s hand moved back upwards to play a little bit more with Shen Jiu’s little cock.

Still unsure, Shen Jiu agreed, his hand pulling a tube of lube out of one of the drawers. In the heat of the moment Yue Qingyuan didn’t find it weird that Shen Jiu would have something like this ready in his own office. Shen Jiu groaned, feeling Yue Qingyuan’s wet fingers pressing against his entrance.

This wasn’t his first time… though he could debate that this was his first time consenting fully. 

“Are you… are you alright?” Yue Qingyuan was attentive and caring, trying his best to make Shen Jiu feel good with his clumsy fingers. Shen Jiu only nodded, there wasn’t much he could do if he didn’t want Yue Qingyuan to know. He let the other boy lead and simply followed, he got so lost in his own thoughts that only Yue Qingyuan’s hard cock entering him was what snapped him back into reality.

The stretch was slightly painful, his entrance even burned a little but with each thrust it got easier and easier. Once again Shen Jiu found himself comparing it to the previous experiences. He wanted to enjoy the moment of them being together like this but his past memories were bubbling up, reminding him of everything. 

Making sure that Shen Jiu wouldn’t forget that what he was doing was against nature. That he was sinner just like everybody else and the times others forced themselves upon him Shen Jiu deserved.

Yue Qingyuan whispered something, maybe he was cursing as he desperately fucked into Shen Jiu’s body. They engaged in intercourse like this several times already and everytime Shen Jiu was even more confused because he did enjoy it .

He wanted it.

He liked to be treated like a girl in bed.  

Yue Qingyuan hugged him, still whispering into his ear, his thrusts were erratic and so it always felt like this was their first time together. Neither of them expected the door of the office to fly open and Wu Yanzi standing there with a gleeful smile.

Shen Jiu opened his eyes and pushed Yue Qingyuan away from himself. His first reaction was to hide away his face which was all red and even teary. He looked truly pitiful and to WU Yanzi even beautiful.

There was a long silence, just them breathing until Shen Jiu turned his face back to his father.

“He assaulted me,” His expression was cold, eyes slightly red from the crying and the state he was in was very much believable. 

Yue Qingyuan was shocked at first but it didn’t show up on his face. Instead he tidied up his appearance and changed his position into kneeling. 

“Your son is right, I forced myself on him.” That was too easy, Shen Jiu thought for a moment but said nothing. If anything he started softly sniffling.

Wu Yanzi tilted his head to the side, the office was messy, Shen Jiu cried… Sure, he could believe their story. He didn’t really care much after all.

“Clean yourself up and then go lock him into the cabin. We will talk about this later.” The man was still smiling, his demeanour was way too calm.

Shen Jiu was scared.

Wu Yanzi went with them, he kept his distance but his presence heavily loomed over them as Shen Jiu stopped in front of a small cabin. It had windows but there was wood covering it, not allowing sunlight to come through. Without a word Shen Jiu pushed Yue Qingyuan into the small cabin, locking the door behind him.

Yue Qingyuan had figured that his punishment was to be in solitary confinement. 

“You shall reflect on your wrongdoings here.” Wu Yanzi came closer to the door, pressing himself against Shen Jiu’s backside. “Repent and pray. You will understand that what you have done was wrong but our God is merciful. If you are genuinely sorry about your wrongdoings then there is still a chance for you.” His hand traced Shen Jiu’s backside before he pulled the young boy to himself.

“My office. Now.” 

                                                                                                     ******

"Did I raise you to be a dirty whore?" Wu Yanzi asked terrified Shen Jiu who was once again crying but this time he wasn’t even faking it.

"Please, don't." He just begged the man softly, his frame was trembling.

"I thought you learned something." Wu Yanzi tsked under his breath and just tilted his head to the side. Moments later he was kneeling before Shen Jiu, his hand grabbing the boy by the hair. "But all you learned was to spread legs to the first man who starts pursuing you, aren't you ashamed? Aren't you scared that God will forsake you?" He forced Shen Jiu’s head to tilt back, the pain Shen Jiu felt at that moment made him believe that Wu Yanzi pulled a chunk out of his hair. 

"Maria told me that you have been behaving weird but I just couldn't put a finger on it.” Wu Yanzi inspected Shen Jiu’s state, the hickeys on his neck and shoulders. He scowled and ripped open the rest of Shen Jiu’s button shirt. “It's because you have given in to those demons. Even though we went through this together, I exorcised them from you. I helped you. What a shame." 

“G-get away!” Shen Jiu tried to put up a fight, pushing Wi Yanzi away but all he accomplished was to get slapped across the face. He could tell that Wu Yanzi was holding himself back.

"Did you forget what happens to whores like you?" Shen Jiu sobbed and still tried to continue fighting, but the man quickly pacified him under his body. Shen Jiu kicks the air with his legs but Wu Yanzi has already forced his way in. Pleading, begging, crying, fighting, nothing works.

Shen Jiu feels dirty, he feels as if he’s being tainted. It was the complete opposite to when he genuinely wanted to engage in the sex. Wherever Wu Yanzi touched him, the body felt like it would rot away that moment. Shen Jiu wanted to retch and in the end once the whole ordeal was over, he did actually vomit. 

Wu Yanzi was determined to make Shen Jiu never attempt something like this ever again and in the upcoming weeks he would force him to do anything he set his mind on.

That was his way of retraining Shen Jiu to be an obedient boy once again.

"You're finally back from the hole?" Shen Jiu blinked a few times, dumbfounded when Yue Qingyuan appeared back at the dinner. "I should call the police on you, you..." There was a reluctant pause. "You assaulted me."

" Tainted me. " Shen Jiu’s breath shook, he was visibly upset by Yue Qingyuan’s presence.

Yue Qingyuan wanted to comfort Shen Jiu but the other boy abruptly moved away from him as if Yue Qingyuan was just trying to hurt him when he lifted his hand. All Yue Qingyuan wanted to do was to squeeze Shen Jiu’s shoulder. It seemed that Shen Jiu had made up a completely different reality of their last time they shared together.

He wanted to try and explain to Shen Jiu that it wasn’t true that Shen Jiu wanted him the same way Yue Qingyuan did. That their feelings were real and genuine. Shen Jiu didn’t even want to look at him now.

It was quite clear that staying in isolation took a big toll on Yue Qingyuan, maybe even the whole stay in this camp. He was no longer that always optimistic lad, his clothes clung to his frame now, because of solitary confinement. It was very clear that Wu Yanzi was not really feeding him well; his cheeks were hollowed too. 

“It's my last week here." 

"Then I wish we will never cross paths again." Shen Jiu quickly responded, ignoring Yue Qingyuan’s hurt expression

"What if we run away?" Yue Qingyuan still tried, there was always a slimmer of hope he clung to. "Away from here, away from our families, I can figure this out for us." 

"Fuck you, I was on the right path but you... you made me slip. You deserve to be in Hell, God will never love you."

"I don't need God to love me, all I need is Shen Jiu to love me."

"Well, I fucking hate you."

"That's not like you, you told me that you might have been attracted to me before."

"I was lying!" Shen Jiu was on the verge of crying again.

What kind of abuse he had to go through again because of admitting that he might have been like all the kids here. "You should count yourself lucky that my father isn’t using electro shots like in asylums to fix people like you."

“That’s…” Yue Qingyuan wanted to protest, he wanted to get through Shen Jiu’s thick skull and force some sense back into him but the other boy got up and left without a word. Yue Qingyuan was the last in the dining room, all alone now. He lost all his appetite to eat.

Shen Jiu was forced to forsake himself in order to survive in such an environment. Though Yue Qingyuan lost a year of his life here in this place, he still couldn't stop thinking of Shen Jiu who lost more than a year of his life, once he returned to his family. It might have been years or maybe Shen Jiu’s whole life.

Yue Qingyuan was determined to set the other boy free.

One day he would return.

                                                                                                     ******

Yue Qingyuan hadn’t looked back since then.

He inherited the business his late parents left him when he came of age and cut contact with his religious adoptive family who still tried to set him up with some random girls from their church. 

He wasn’t interested in keeping a charade for them.

Yue Qingyuan had simply decided to live his life as his trueself and he wouldn’t conform to the normality of other people.

Yue Qingyuan was normal.

It was alright to love and enjoy the companionship of his fellow mates.

It was alright.

However it led Yue Qingyuan down the destructive path as he tried to cope with the nightmares, humiliation and hatred deep inside. As he tried not to become like the people who intentionally tried to erase his authentic self.

It was alright, he was alright.

Yue Qingyuan opened his eyes after taking in a deep breath, there was a man who seductively smiled at him. The music was so loud that Yue Qingyuan couldn’t hear anything that came out of the man’s plush lips, yet he knew it was an invitation and he didn’t reject it. He let the man take his hand, lead him away from the dance floor. 

They ended up in a hallway of the club, kissing each other passionately while Yue Qingyuan was feeling up the other man. His breathing was ragged and he was definitely aroused. Both of them were and Yue Qingyuan smiled.

“Why don’t we move into the VIP room?” He asked the other male while pulling out a card from one of the rooms. He could see that the green eyes lit up in excitement.

“Then the booze’s on you then,” This was definitely a golden opportunity, finding a rich guy in this underground club? Usually they would just visit their own snobbish clubs which a normal person could only dream of reaching.

Yue Qingyuan didn’t mind, it was always like this when he offered to take them into the VIP room that he was basically renting. Sometimes they would end up in high end hotels, as long as Yue Qingyuan was satisfied, he truly didn’t care.

Though there was always a lingering feeling of emptiness whenever the other man would leave.

He went through countless of sex partners but none did quite stick. With none, Yue Qingyuan was able to develop a deeper understanding. Was that even possible when their first encounter was just them enjoying the joys of each other's bodies and then never exchanging information?

Something was missing but Yue Qingyuan couldn’t quite put a finger on it because all of the ideals and optimism he used to have, were bottled up and put away.

After the deed was done Yue Qingyuan would just always adjust his appearance, so it wouldn’t be so obvious when he was leaving the club.

“I am alright,” he whispered to himself as he was readjusting his necktie. His partner had already left and so Yue Qingyuan left the necessary cash on the table. He then sat down into the car and took a small while to reflect on what he had done there with a total stranger yet again. He rested his forehead against the steering wheel.

How sinful he felt afterwards. Whenever he would cave into the temptation.

“You will go to Hell for this,” Voice deep within his mind echoed. Yue Qingyuan was so tired of it but it wouldn’t just stop being annoying.

“So be it,” Yue Qingyuan muttered, frustrated and placed his hands on the steering wheel, grasping it tightly. “When will I be finally able to let it go of the past.” He sighed and finally turned the car on, leaving the bar far away.

Though he knew that he would be back soon.

Even if it meant feeling guilty afterwards.

                                                                                                     ******

Or maybe not so soon as he expected. The car business he inherited from his deceased parents was constantly growing and expanding into all corners of the country and Yue Qingyuan sometimes had to take the initiative to oversee some of the dealerships. He didn't mind doing that though, it was a great opportunity for him to travel across the country and learn about new places.

Though whenever he would get into the village, he felt a tad bit uncomfortable about the calmness of it. He preferred the busy city since it helped greatly for him not to get lost in thoughts but in remote spaces where life was flowing more or less slowly…

It was unsettling and Yue Qingyuan very much disliked being left alone with his thoughts but on his travels he couldn't even drown himself in the administrative. Still he was feeling slightly tired and so he pulled over to the motel parking lot in the small city. One night's stay should be enough to recharge him.

He locked the car and walked into the lobby. It wasn’t exactly a shabby establishment but it was obvious that this wouldn’t be a five star hotel’s service nor quality of the rooms.

“Hi,” he smiled at the lady behind the counter. “Do you have some vacant rooms?” He looked at his wrist, checking the time as he listened to the lady’s response. He should be able to find some small shop or restaurant with food. 

“One night?” she asked him, eyeing his wrinkled but expensive looking suit.

“Yes,” Yue Qingyuan nodded and then pulled out his leather wallet. He paid the needed amount and left a small tip. Of course that pleased the motel’s worker and she brightly smiled at him, gesturing to where his room would be. Yue Qingyuan bid his farewell and with a room key he returned to the car. From it he took his luggage and then finally he could set off to the room.

As he expected, it wasn’t anything groundbreaking but he slept in worse. There was a time in his life when he had to sleep on a cold floor, so a modest room with one bed was more than enough for him. He could feel the tiredness sinking in but he couldn’t get beaten up by it now.

He still needed to eat…

Or maybe he could skip… 

“No, I need to eat proper meals,” he shook his head and put the luggage on his bed. Opening it, he pulled out a less flashy outfit and proceeded to change out of his suit. Though a trained eye could still see the expensive branding and quality of the clothes.

Now he was ready to go and explore a little bit of the small city.

Of course he did ask for some directions by the front desk and then set off, leaving the room key in the lady’s hands as it was customary.

So far he could tell that the city felt more like a sleepy hole than the lively and bustling capital that he has gotten so used to. He wanted to wander aimlessly as his current thoughts but something caught his attention.

A strange yet very familiar structure.

When he took a proper look, he could tell that it was a church.

It would be foolish to not expect a religious structure in such a small city like this but one could dream, right? After all, within the big city, it could have been easily overlooked. Not to mention that Yue Qingyuan has specifically bought a penthouse in the district which was far away from any type of building like this.

Seeing as looking at the church still had a negative impact on him, he forced himself to continue walking in the direction that the lady in the motel explained to him. If he felt tired a moment ago, now he is also extremely depressed.

“Turn left at the corner of the flower shop.” He muttered the direction half way loud.

There was a small supermarket and right next to it stood also a diner. 

He made a quick decision to go first to the supermarket, pick up some snacks for his hotel room and for the road and then go to the diner and eat some freshly cooked food.

Slowly he approached the store and walked inside, picking up the hand basket, he started browsing the aisles. The shop was pretty small just like the selection inside but that was to be expected in a smaller place like this one.

“Good afternoon Father.” As the shop was small, conversations were pretty much audible from any corner of it.

Father? Yue Qingyuan raised an eyebrow, probably the local pastor then.

“Good afternoon, Anna.” The pastor answered and Yue Qingyuan froze on the spot. The voice was very familiar, though at first he discarded his curiosity. Maybe he was mistaken, the country was so vast, he couldn’t possibly stay in the place where he lost part of his life.

That was simply impossible. Right?

Right?

Yue Qingyuan had to calm himself down, he worked through this over the past few years, this shouldn’t be triggering to him anymore. Yet there was a final stage, he didn’t go through. Encountering the trauma head on by visiting the place where everything happened. The conversation continued as Yue Qingyuan tried to calm himself down. Then he grabbed a few snacks without checking what it even was and walked out into the main hall of the shop.

There were children now, smiling, laughing and hanging off of black robes of a man who gently smiled back at them.

Yue Qingyuan gulped while the man was halfway turned away from him. He could say for sure that the person talking just a while ago was the one person he had been trying to forget and let go off.

“Excuse me,” Yue Qingyuan cleared his throat, approaching the man in black robes. The children turned his head towards Yue Qingyuan then the other male followed by their example. The colour out of his face drained when their eyes met. “Do you-” Before Yue Qingyuan could finish, the man had already excused himself, darting out of the store not even looking back.

What did I even expect? Yue Qingyuan smiled at the children and walked past them, resting the hand cart at the desk. “Can I get a bag please?”

The lady by the counter smiled and started marking his stuff and placing them into the bag. “Did you move in recently? I haven’t seen you around?” She asked curious, it was a small talk Yue Qingyuan usually tried to avoid but today it could be useful.

“I am just passing by, I decided to stay in the motel for a day. I am travelling a little bit further into the country.” Yue Qingyuan answered politely then cleared his throat. He could feel his hands becoming sweaty. “By any chance was this the reverend of this area?”

“Oh, oh, yes! Father Shen is one of the young pastors around.”

“So the church I passed by…?”

“Oh yes! He leads the masses there but also does a lot of other stuff for our community. He is very nice.” She finally finished marking all of his snacks and then stated the price. Yue Qingyuan quickly handed her cash.

“Keep the change.”

A pastor, huh.

                                                                                                     ******

Yue Qingyuan wasn’t sure how to feel when he stood in front of the church, he just stared at the front door, scanning the building thoroughly as people who were attending mass passed by him. In the end he walked inside of that place too, alarming bells setting off in his head. He promised to never walk into any religious building ever again, yet here he was, listening to the gospel of something he no longer wanted to be part of.

Something he no longer believed was for him.

Something that would never accept Yue Qingyuan as him. 

“Ah, I wish I didn’t marry so young, I could have married Father Shen instead,” someone silently sighed next to him and there was a soft chuckle.

“What are you saying, tsk. Father Shen devoted himself to the life of celibacy,”

“But isn’t that a catholic thing?”

Shen Jiu devoted himself to celibacy? 

"Please leave, people like you are not welcomed in this house of God." A voice pulled Yue Qingyuan out of these thoughts, he was way too engrossed in them that he didn’t even notice other people had already left. The way he sat there, it must have felt that he was vigorously praying to God, his hands clasped together and a pensive wrinkle between his eyebrows.

"Father,” Yue Qingyuan said softly. “What do you mean by that?" He smiled at him, he couldn’t even feel anger. All he currently felt was pity and empathy for the younger man. "Shouldn't God be embracing everybody? Regardless of their preferences?"

"Sinners like you go to Hell."

Yue Qingyuan just sighed in resignation. That was to be expected.. "I didn't expect you to become a priest." He tried to change the topic, he didn’t want to leave this place yet. If it meant just look at Shen Jiu’s scowling face a little bit more.

He changed so much, his features sharpened and he was as beautiful as Yue Qingyuan had remembered him. As much as he tried to bury his feelings towards Shen Jiu, having the man in front of him now, it all came back to light.

His love for Shen Jiu… was the most prominent of them all but not the only one. There was a bitter taste to it.

"It was natural for me to be one just like my father.” Shen Jiu scanned over the surroundings of the church, they were truly alone. “I decided to dedicate my life to God. That is the minimum I can do to repay his kindness after being taken in."

“That’s… that’s ridiculous,” Yue Qingyuan allowed himself to be a tad bit critical and Shen Jiu just scoffed, annoyed.

“You are not to judge what is and is not ridiculous.” Shen Jiu’s tone was crass, his patience had run off.

Yue Qingyuan just nodded, he understood when it was time to leave and so he slowly started gathering his coat and hat. “Father, I will be back later.” He promised, his hand brushing against Shen Jiu’s when he passed by him. He felt Shen Jiu pulling away from him with scandalous gasp. He could also imagine that the man was staring daggers into his back, probably with disdain in his face.

Yue Qingyuan wasn’t that far from the truth. Though Shen Jiu was looking at him with disgust, yet there were other feelings swirling inside of him. His hand where Yue Qingyuan accidentally touched him burned now. He clutched it in his other hand, placing it over his chest where he could feel his heart racing.

The way Yue Qingyuan had looked at him…

His smiling lips… His height…

Shen Jiu has been battling his whole  life with attraction towards the same sex. He locked it deep down inside when he was adolescent, so God would love him. He had forsaken something like intimacy, in the end he was a priest anyway and simply he devoted himself to celibate.

As a small sign of rebellion against the will of his adoptive father as a way to regain freedom in this life.

So why…

“ Why …”

                                                                                                     ******

For the next few weeks, Yue Qingyuan would tirelessly come to the church everyday to seek Shen Jiu, trying to reconnect with him but Shen Jiu would refuse him with harsh and hurtful words. Yet Yue Qingyuan didn’t give up so easily. If anything, every pushback just motivated him to come back even stronger. Each and every of Yue Qingyuan’s visit left Shen Jiu confused, his chest hurting, he would... 

There was no denying that he was attracted to that person that kept pestering him everyday. Simply sitting down in the church, listening to his speeches targeted directly against people like him . 

Like Shen Jiu.

For some reason it just... felt natural to have these feelings towards Yue Qingyuan, to touch himself while thinking of the other man, moaning his name and feeling guilty when the orgasm washed over him, crying himself to sleep. Yet he would refuse the man's advances telling him that he would go straight to Hell.

It was confusing, Shen Jiu was confused, hurting… and still Yue Qingyuan would come back everyday to have conversation with him as if Shen Jiu didn’t chase him out with the most disgusting choice of words he could think of in the heat of the moment.

Yue Qingyuan was patient, he understood Shen Jiu and knew very well that undoing the brainwashing Shen Jiu went through would take some time. He was willing to sacrifice his own sanity, willing to do everything and anything to help Shen Jiu understand. Though he suffered from the conversion therapy even now, struggling to eat properly, he was still patient with Shen Jiu. 

"Father, aren't you sometimes feeling unhappy?" Yue Qingyuan asked him one day when they were outside of the church, alone. "Do you think that what you have been taught is the correct way of living? Hiding your authentic self?" 

"I am my authentic self." Shen Jiu pursued his lips and crossed his arms over his chest.

"No you are not." Yue Qingyuan shook his head and made a bold move. He grabbed Shen Jiu’s shoulders and pressed his lips against Shen Jiu's. He could feel Shen Jiu gasping into his mouth, his hands pushing him away, yet he didn’t allow that, not until he pulled away himself. 

"You were forced to hide yourself for so long, aren't you a little bit tired?" Yue Qingyuan’s breathing was heavy after the kiss, his gaze half lidded.

"Tired of what?” Shen Jiu hissed, looking around with a scared expression. What if someone saw this? What if people get a wrong idea?

 “How could I be tired?" His smaller frame trembled slightly, he backed up by a few steps trying to put some space between them.

"The mask you have to wear for the rest of your life." Yue Qingyuan grabbed Shen Jiu by his hand, pulling him closer once again. "Father, my offer still stands. Let's run away, together. Let’s… Let’s live as our authentic selves together ."

“L-let go!” Shen Jiu yelped out, forcing his way out of Yue Qingyuan’s grip. “And get lost!” He rubbed his wrist, it hurt from Yue Qingyuan’s iron grip.

“Shen Jiu wait!” Yue Qingyuan noticed the fear in his glassy eyes. “Please don’t misunderstand!” But Shen Jiu has already turned his back to him, running away to the place that hurt Yue Qingyuan so much.

A place that hurt them both beyond repairing.

Yue Qingyuan knew that after this exchange, it was better to leave Shen Jiu alone for a few days but there was a point when he couldn’t stay longer in this small city. He had to make Shen Jiu leave with him, he couldn’t let Shen Jiu slip through his fingers like that. Not very confident he still pulled up in his expensive car at the church’s parking lot. It was a time when Shen Jiu would be finished with the mass which meant he would do some light maintenance around the place.

"Father, I have come to ask for your final answer. I can't stay here any longer." 

Shen Jiu tensed up then nervously looked at Yue Qingyuan. It was very obvious that Yue Qingyuan was no ordinary person. How could an ordinary person afford to stay in a local motel for months, just doing nothing and coming to the church everyday. His expensive suit would probably cost a whole new ceiling this church needed. 

"We can make the world better," Yue Qingyuan optimistically smiled at him, his hand reaching towards Shen Jiu. "So children like us won't have to go through what we did because of the way God made them."

" God would never make us like each other ." Shen Jiu shook his head, his eyes watering, yet he accepted the hand stretched out to him. Yue Qingyuan had reassuringly squeezed his palm. Shen Jiu was still fighting his internal conflict and there was no set time when he would emerge victorious but he also finally admitted he felt something towards Yue Qingyuan. 

That felt very wrong.

Staying with church was extremely difficult for him. Putting on the robes his own father wore, pretending everything was alright.

Pretending that he did not murder Wu Yanzi but that it was an unfortunate play of events.

"We can persecute people who hurt us." Yue Qingyuan pulled him out of his thoughts, leading him away from the altar. Maybe this was their only time they would walk an aisle in church like that, holding hands together…

Because their love was sinful.

Shen Jiu was ready to leave everything behind, from the material world to say because he didn't pack anything. He sat down in the expensive car. In the same black robes Yue Qingyuan saw him everyday, only when the car finally started moving, there was a white collar left where it was previously parked.

                                                                                                     ******

Shen Jiu felt like a freeloader and it made him feel incredibly guilty because Yue Qingyuan had been covering all the expenses himself. Yet Shen Jiu couldn’t bring himself to go and try to find a job for himself, especially knowing he had no proper education. 

What could he possibly offer to any prospective job? 

Who would want to employ an ex-priest with no real work experience. Shen Jiu has been part of the conversion camp staff for as long as he could remember, probably since the time when Wu Yanzi took him in and then he just continued working in the church. Though it was not that Yue Qingyuan would try to nudge him into finding a job or tell him to make himself useful.

Shen Jiu just didn’t like to be a burden, he had to be on his own for so long that leaning on someone was making him extremely anxious.

“Don’t feel bad about me supporting you.”

“Just use this card if you need to buy something.”

Yue Qingyuan seemed to be more than happy to be able to spoil Shen Jiu with all the ridiculous money he had.

Of course it was only a matter of time before this would turn out to be a problem for Shen Jiu. Doing nothing all day was weighing heavily on him, his mind would wander into places he’d rather not think about.

Shen Jiu then found himself in a situation he wouldn’t have before, trying out things he would never touch before. However with Yue Qingyuan’s money it was way too easy for him, all he had to do was to accompany Yue Qingyuan a few times into that bar. As much as Shen Jiu wasn’t a fan of crowded places, Yue Qingyuan hoped it would help somehow entertain Shen Jiu.

Of course Yue Qingyuan would try to make time to do as many activities as couples could do together but not always was Shen Jiu in a mood to be outside with Yue Qingyuan.

Shen Jiu was extremely anxious to be seen with his partner even if they weren’t holding hands outside not doing anything that would make others suspicious, Shen Jiu felt nauseous of others looking at him.

Even now in the club when Yue Qingyuan left him with his friends because he had to go to the restroom, Shen Jiu was nervously playing with the empty glass in his hands. He didn’t expect one of the guys to whip out a small packet with white powder.

It was shocking, yet for some reason he decided to try that cursed thing that evening.

It made him spiral, his thoughts were no longer heavy and unhappy.

It was a new world and Shen Jiu wanted to keep living in that new reality. It didn’t matter to him that it was artificially made as long as he had the money, he could keep staying in that other place. 

Shen Jiu understood how bad it was, yet he continued to indulge himself in that. It gave him happiness although a fake one, more confidence, it didn’t take long until he felt he needed to drown in that in order to visit the place he wished to stay in.

A place where Shen Jiu was a completely different person. A man without a dark and unresolved past. A man who wasn’t scared to approach his partner.

Shen Jiu had lost a sense of time, he couldn’t tell when it was when he first approached Yue Qingyuan in that state, making a move on him but he could remember how shocked the other man was. 

It was adorable because the usually confident Yue Qingyuan looked like a deer in headlights.

“Hey, handsome,” Shen Jiu’s tongue felt heavy but he still managed to say that out loud. At first Yue Qingyuan couldn’t tell that there was something wrong, placing his hands on Shen Jiu’s thighs, feeling him up. 

Of course, he was all excited about Shen Jiu approaching him first on its own, so he didn’t think much.

Shen Jiu dipped his head down, finding Yue Qingyuan’s lips. It wasn’t something new for them, they kissed in the past yet it still felt like a novelty to Yue Qingyuan. This would be their first time since they were teenagers…

This…

“W-wait,” Yue Qingyuan pulled Shen Jiu’s face away and held it in his hands. Shen Jiu’s eyes were glassy and unfocused as if he was looking through Yue Qingyuan.

“What’s wrong? Do you not want me?”

Yue Qingyuan gulped. Of course that he wanted Shen Jiu, he desired him but… not like this.

“You’re not in your right mind,” Yue Qingyuan muttered, his cock painfully straining against his underwear and pants. “I… I can’t…” Shen Jiu didn’t even seem to be aroused in his drunken state.

It felt wrong.

“What?” Shen Jiu slurred his words now, he was most definitely not fully present. Yue Qingyuan knitted his eyebrows in concern, maybe Shen Jiu helped himself from the cabinet full of alcohol or winery? If it were anybody else but Yue Qingyuan, mistakes would happen.

“I want you Shen Jiu, I want you so much but you’re not in a state to give me consent.” Yue Qingyuan caressed his partner's cheek, gently smiling at him. He knew that Shen Jiu would probably not even remember their conversation. It wouldn’t be the first time when Yue Qingyuan noticed something was off about his partner but it was a first when he tried to make a move on him.

“Then what’s that problem,” Shen Jiu closed his eyes and chuckled, he leaned more into Yue Qingyuan’s hands, bucking his hips.

“N-no, Shen Jiu don’t.” Yue Qingyuan was the one who had to hold the reason. Shen Jiu would definitely regret this once he would come back to his senses.

But what if he won’t remember anything, Yue Qingyuan froze. No, no! Taking advantage of Shen Jiu?! Yue Qingyuan yelped, completely unexpectedly Shen Jiu just squeezed his hard dick.

“S-stop,” Yue Qingyuan whispered, grabbing Shen Jiu’s hand. “Let’s… Let’s do this at another time, I think you need to go to sleep.” The immediate response was that Shen Jiu started pouting but still let Yue Qingyuan to manhandle him. Unsure Yue Qingyuan stood in front of Shen Jiu’s bedroom, it was a place where he wasn’t allowed to enter but right now Shen Jiu wasn’t really in a state to get into his room safely.

“Are we going to do it in bed? You should have told me,” Shen Jiu purred behind Yue Qingyuan’s back.

“No, you’re going to rest, Shen Jiu.” Yue Qingyuan slowly opened the door to Shen Jiu’s bedroom. He felt like an intruder after all this was one of the boundaries they had discussed together when Shen Jiu moved in. Yue Qingyuan wasn’t to be in his bedroom as it was Shen Jiu’s safe place but today he had to break that promise.

It was more messy than what he had expected. He led Shen Jiu to the bed and helped him to get inside. “When you freshen up we can talk about this, okay?” Yue Qingyuan stroked Shen Jiu’s hair. As much as he wanted to help Shen Jiu out of his clothes, it could be taken the wrong way right now. So it was better to just keep him clothed.

“Get some rest,” Yue Qingyuan leaned down to place a kiss on Shen Jiu’s forehead when he pulled back Shen Jiu’s gaze was drowsy. It seemed that the adrenalin and energy was fading away now, so Yue Qingyuan stayed for a while, caressing Shen Jiu’s hand until he finally decided to leave.

It was after he was sure that Shen Jiu was asleep but before leaving he couldn’t ignore the white powder spilled all over the marble coffee table. He pursed his lips, how did Shen Jiu get access to something like this? 

Yet he decided not to bring it up or even handle it for now.

It was the biggest mistake he could have made and when he had decided to take action it all blew up into his face.

"You are so selfish I can't believe it! I am a victim too." Yue Qingyuan was angry and hurt. His eyes became glassy as he continued. "Do you think you have the right to disregard my trauma because.... Because of what they... Did to … you?" His legs felt weak and he needed to lean on the counter. "I was humiliated, hurt... Starved. I still get nightmares sometimes.... I still question if loving you is truly alright, I.... I suffer too ."

Shen Jiu wasn’t willing to listen to the reason, he didn’t care at the moment. All he cared about was that Yue Qingyuan had cut him off… He meddled in his business! 

“Oh, fuck off,” Shen Jiu hissed in annoyance, his body slightly trembled as if he was cold yet his face was sweaty. “Why… why did you…” Shen Jiu gulped. “Why did you cut me off? ” His lips were chapped.

Yue Qingyuan pressed his lips tightly together, he should have gotten rid of that drug the moment he noticed it that day in Shen Jiu’s room. Instead he allowed him to hurt himself that way for a long time.

“I’m sick and tired of this!” The walls of the kitchen felt suffocating to Yue Qingyuan, even though the place was two or even three times bigger than ordinary sized kitchen, it was still pressing on Yue Qingyuan as if he was back locked in the shed without any food given to him.

“Me too!” Shen Jiu lashed out back, his eyes were bloodshot. “Where are my… my drugs, Qingyuan, give them back!”  

Yue Qingyuan knew when he was defeated, he could no longer suppress Shen Jiu and his addiction on his own. This had to be handled by specialists but he wasn’t willing to send Shen Jiu off to just any facility. He took a deep breath, knowing that screaming back at Shen Jiu would bring nothing but regrets.

“Hey, what do you think of going to the mountains together?”

There was a facility Yue Qingyuan had been in contact with for quite some time. He himself visited it a few times as a way of trying to find some peace with what happened to him when he understood that changing partners every night while having sometimes unprotected sex in the heat of the moment wasn’t the healthy coping mechanism. He could arrange a long vacation for himself and accompany Shen Jiu there and support him.

It would be as if they never were in such a facility as it truly appears as a vacation home of sorts for rich people.

                                                                                                     ******

Shen Jiu sleepily opened his eyes, at first he was confused as to where he was but then he quickly recognised his own bedroom of the penthouse. Still languid he looked around and then looked up for a long time. For some time Shen Jiu just stared into the ceiling before he finally got out of the bed.

The reddish skies hinted that he had spent yet another whole day in bed as recovering wasn’t as easy and linear as one would expect. Neither from the drug abuse or the years of brainwashing and instilled fear within him. Shen Jiu was terrified of darkness but he wasn’t always suffering from restless sleep. Just after his time in the conversion camp he no longer could get a good night’s rest. 

There had to always be one light on in his room for that purpose and sleeping pills ready on his nightstand though they both understood sleeping pills were just a temporary solution. Shen Jiu had been already slightly resistant to them, and soon his body would be indifferent. 

Shen Jiu brushed through his short hair, feeling the dryness in his throat, he decided to stalk out of his bedroom. Weirdly enough it seems to be awfully quiet in the penthouse today. Did Yue Qingyuan have an unexpected meeting which delayed him? Usually Yue Qingyuan would inform Shen Jiu of such a thing, so did he sleep through a phone ringing?

Slowly he entered the big kitchen with the marble top dominating it and walked over to the sink. Everything around was just way too extravagant to his liking but that was to be expected because rich people didn’t know what to do with money. He grabbed the closest glass that he could find and filled it to the brim with tap water then downed it as quickly as he could. He filled another one and drank until his dry throat stopped bothering him. Once he felt better, he quickly rinsed the glass and left it on the designated spot after wiping it clean.

Curious, he looked around the kitchen with the adjacent dinner area too, there on the table he noticed a dark brown leather bag and a coat thrown over one of the black chairs. Oh. That meant that Yue Qingyuan was at home then. Confused, Shen Jiu approached the discarded belongings.

Maybe Yue Qingyuan wasn’t feeling well? Usually at this time he would be either preparing some food or just spending his time reading news. Maybe he should go check on him and so he started walking towards Yue Qingyuan’s bedroom. Unsure Shen Jiu stood in front of the door, his eyes glued to the brass handle. He knew that Yue Qingyuan didn’t mind if Shen Jiu came to his room, even encouraged him to come as often as he wanted, yet there was still a slight uneasiness the man felt when inviting himself inside.

He opened the door and pursued his lips together. There was no Yue Qingyuan after he thoroughly scanned the room with his eyes. 

If he was not in bed then where could he be?

Shen Jiu knitted his eyebrows in slight concern and walked deeper into the bedroom then he noticed a faint light coming from under the door of the bathroom connected to Yue Qingyuan’s room.

Oh, he must be taking a shower then. However the bathroom was awfully quiet for that. Did something happen?

In panic and without thinking Shen Jiu ran to the door and wanted to slam them open, yet something stopped him. His face flushed when he noticed the soft groans and pants coming out of that place. The realisation made him feel incredibly embarrassed, Yue Qingyuan had probably taken the opportunity of Shen Jiu sleeping to jack off.

For a moment Shen Jiu felt incredibly guilty. Though Shen Ji and Yue Qingyuan were partners and were very much in a romantic relationship (it took some time for Shen Jiu to admit even his feelings for Yue Qingyuan) but Shen Jiu was still pretty much repulsed by anything intimate except for chaste kisses. Even then when Yue Qingyuan gave an innocent kiss on Shen Jiu's lips, Shen Jiu felt as a sinner.

Each kiss felt as if he was walking easily into the pits of Hell because of his attraction towards other men. Towards Yue Qingyuan…

He didn’t really think of any other men that way or maybe he just ignored it.

Of course Yue Qingyuan was very well aware that Shen Jiu’s feelings and repulsiveness were validated by the experience he went through as a teenager. It wasn't easy for him to shake all that off after similar sentiment was drilled into his head each and every day. 

The same words Shen Jiu would say to Yue Qi too…

Though there was a small spark of curiosity deep inside of Shen Jiu and slowly he pushed the door open, holding his breath. His head peeked into the room where Yue Qingyuan sat on the tiled floor. The other man just chuckled while quickly hiding his debauched state behind the towel, still the impressive length couldn’t really be hidden like that.

"I am sorry, was I too loud?" Yue Qingyuan asked, still laughing. His dark eyes smiled warmly at Shen Jiu and there was a slight flush on his face but definitely not because he would be embarrassed that he was caught red handed. 

He had nothing to hide.

Shen Jiu was silent and instead he entered the room completely, his eyes fixated on that erection hidden under the towel. With sudden impulse Shen Jiu sat in front of Yue Qingyuan, still silent and stared at him, gulping Shen Jiu lifted his gaze to look into Yue Qingyuan's eyes. His partner’s head was tilted to the side, breathing uneven but he continued to smile.

This was the first time for Shen Jiu to show any interest in this type of stuff after their many failed attempts…

The attempts where Shen Jiu was not sane or ready. 

"I want to watch you."

The simple sentence made Yue Qingyuan gasp in surprise, his eyes widened in shock. "You-you want to watch m-me?" He stuttered with a slightly trembling voice. "I of course, if you want to…" His consent was immediate, he was excited a bit too and slowly pulled the towel away to uncover his proudly standing cock.

Shen Jiu sucked in a breath, his eyes glossing over the impressive length. In a way it was fascinating, everything about Yue Qi was fascinating to him. How in peace Yue Qingyuan was with his own sexuality and open about it. How comfortable the man was showing affection to Shen Jiu. Yue Qingyuan would always tell Shen Jiu that the secret was to accept everything about himself that in no way had any religion had the right to tell Shen Jiu that he was disgusting and faulty.

That God could fix him if he just… prayed enough… 

Prayers never helped…

Prayers didn't save Shen Jiu from Wu Yanzi raping him again and again, even when Shen Jiu cried that he would never be like the other kids in the conversion camp, promising to set on a path of proper man.

Shen Jiu felt so lost for so many years after his adoptive father passed away. Leading the church in a small city never gave him any sort of satisfaction with his life. Instead Shen Jiu grew to resent his own feelings even more, hated himself immensely and now Shen Jiu was intently watching the purplish tip of Yue Qingyuan's cock weeping with precum as the man idly stroked it. His own heart beating too fast, too loud and thoughts tangled a mess.

"Does… Does it feel good?" Shen Jiu asked, leaning a little bit closer to get a better look at Yue Qingyuan's cock. The question might have been stupid to any other person but not to Yue Qingyuan. There was also a slight unfamiliar feeling creeping all over Shen Jiu’s body, especially down in his groin.

Shen Jiu wanted to touch it, gently caress it, smear the precum all over the head of the cock, though he still kept his distance and continued watching as Yue Qingyuan's breathing became heavier, laboured.

"It does," Yue Qingyuan answered after taking a while to gather his thoughts, smiling at him while stopping the movements of his hand.

"You were close, so why did you stop?" Shen Jiu moved closer without thinking, his eyes were full of curiosity.

"Because then you will be watching me a little bit longer," Yue Qingyuan answered honestly, he had nothing to hide from his adorable boyfriend. He wanted to savour this while as long as he could. His own eyes glossed over Shen Jiu's full underwear. His partner was most definitely aroused without acknowledging it. "You…-"

Yue Qingyuan gasped when Shen Jiu's hand replaced his own and fingers wrapped around his painfully hard cock. It caught him off guard and he almost bursted into Shen Jiu's fist.

"Kiss me," Shen Jiu whispered and Yue Qingyuan obliged, pressing their lips together while cumming into Shen Jiu's hand after a few strokes. His tongue slipped past Shen Jiu’s lips as he moaned into his mouth. Yue Qi couldn't hold himself any longer, he had been edging himself for quite a long before Shen Jiu came around. Once Shen Jiu felt the hot liquid spilling into his hand, he immediately pulled away.

"Wait-" Yue Qi grabbed Shen Jiu's other hand but his boyfriend already turned away to clean the cum on his hand. As in trance he watched the sperm slowly disappear into the sink and then without a word, he left Yue Qingyuan the bathroom alone.

“Ah, fuck,” Yue Qingyuan muttered, his breathing still erratic just post orgasm. He hoped to return the favour but seeing that Shen Jiu has probably already decided not to take care of his own arousal, he didn't push it.

This was a small win for them, a big step for Shen Jiu. It was enough already that Shen Jiu was interested in trying to reconnect with his cultural heritage, wearing changshans and trying to relearn his native language. The clothes offered comfort to him in a way as it felt similar as cassock, yet he didn’t feel so oppressed when wearing it.

Yue Qingyuan will just patiently wait and in the meantime provide any necessary assistance.

Yue Qingyuan was willing to wait as long as was necessary.