Chapter Text
Hao had always loved spring.
Snow melting, making room for flowers to bloom, the first sun rays breaking through the cloudy sky and the smell of fresh air. For him, there was hardly anything better.
Hao inhaled deeply. The snow underneath his feet had melted into a wet mush of grass and mud. In between you could make out the first flowers, bright white snowdrops and pretty purple crocus. He wiped a bed of snow from the top of his father’s gravestone. He loved this spot, hidden beneath two old oak trees, remembering how his father and him had come across here on occasional strolls.
Maybe it had also to do with the fact that his father had died during winter that he loved spring even more. Over ten years ago, when he himself had been only twelve years old, spring coming again had felt impossible. Yet it had still come, bringing warmth into his world that had turned icy. Spring had been the first sign of time moving on.
“Zhang Hao!”
The voice of his mother calling him made him shriek up. For a moment he considered hiding, but then deemed it useless. There was no time anyway, as his mother appeared between the branches of the oaks seconds later. She sighed when she saw him standing in front of the gravestone.
“I knew I would find you here,” she shook her head. “I told you to be back before noon!”
Hao made a contrite face. His mother had told him to pick up the mail this morning and Hao had used the opportunity to wander a little. Somehow, he always ended up here. His mother knew that.
“Did you at least get our letters?” She asked him and Hao quickly pulled the two letters from his pockets.
He hadn’t bothered giving them a closer look. Most letters they got were for his mother anyway and didn’t concern him.
“Good. Let’s go then, we still have to prepare lunch,” his mother said, grabbing his arms and dragging him away from the graveyard. She had never liked coming here and therefore didn’t like Hao doing so either. She thought it wasn’t healthy to live in the past too much. Hao didn’t like arguing so he nodded and followed her.
Their cottage was located on the edge of the town, near the river and the main road. They had moved in after his father had passed away, no longer allowed to stay at the castle where his father had worked as a scholar. Hao hadn’t really understood too many of the details back then, only that it was unseeming that a widowed omega and her omega son would be living in their quarters of the castle on their own. He didn’t know why it was okay for them to live alone in a cottage in town instead, but he liked it here, so he had never questioned it much.
Therefore, he hadn’t been too sad about moving. The only thing he missed about living in the castle were the classes he had been allowed to attend. Usually, people like them, without noble blood or real standing, weren’t allowed lessons with the noble population, but since his father had been a well respected scholar and great thinker, Hao had been granted special allowance to education when he had been younger. He had loved learning - history, science, literature - everything had interested him. His desire for knowledge had been one of the things that had connected him to his father.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t as much access to knowledge outside the castle walls, away from the great libraries. Which didn’t mean that Hao hadn’t read all the books available in town and taught himself everything he wanted to learn. That’s why his mother always gave him strict times to be home again. Otherwise Hao might just wander around all day, trying to learn all the secrets nature had to offer.
The path leading up to the cottage was muddy and his mother frowned when they dragged the dirt inside.
“We’ll have to sweep this up,” she sighed, putting her shoes away so they wouldn’t spread the dirt any further. Hao followed her example, hanging his coat onto the rack after getting the letters out his pocket.
Only now did he inspect them properly. One of them looked like nothing special, probably informing his mother of new prices at the market. The other, however, perplexed him.
“Why is the castle writing to you?” He asked, turning his head to look at his mother who had already disappeared into the kitchen to boil water.
As soon as he had asked his question, she came running back.
“The castle?” She asked, snatching the letter out of Hao’s grip.
Hao nodded dumbfounded - the royal wax seal was unmistakable. His mother didn’t pay him any more attention, mumbling excitedly to herself as she walked back inside the cottage. Hao walked after her confused.
What business could the castle have with them? They had left years ago, Hao had no contact with any of his old friends. Why would they write all of a sudden?
He studied the expression of his mother, afraid that this was bad news. Contrary to Hao’s concern, she didn’t look worried. Instead her smile grew bigger and bigger the longer she read.
“They accepted!” She exclaimed finally, putting the letter down to beam at Hao.
“What?” Hao asked, only growing more and more confused. He hadn’t been aware that his mother had been conversing with the castle in the first place.
“Hao,” his mother said, raising her hands to hold his face. “You’ve been invited to join the courting season.”
Hao’s brain froze for a solid minute. “I- what ?”
“Courting season,” his mother repeated, patting his cheek once before letting go of his face. “This is great news!”
“But I-” Hao failed to comprehend. “I’m not noble.”
“Nothing a little money can’t fix,” his mother said. “Besides, we enjoyed a great reputation at court.”
Hao’s mind drew a blank. Him. Courting season. At the castle. It didn’t make sense. Hao wasn’t the kind of omega those alphas were looking for.
“I can’t go,” he let his mother know.
Suddenly, her excited expression turned into a stern frown. “You can and you will.”
“No-”
“Hao, do you know how much it cost me to even get this invitation?” His mother asked him harshly. “We won’t turn this down. Don’t you understand how important this is for your future?”
Hao looked down at his feet. His thoughts were turbulent. She hadn’t even asked him if this was something he wanted!
“I can’t provide for you forever. You need to find a mate and it better be one of good standing,” his mother continued. “You know that.”
Of course, Hao knew that. His mother never let him forget. In this town, there wasn’t much else for an omega to do than to find a good match. It wasn’t proper for an unmated omega to move out from home and work on their own. Many omegas his age were already mated.
And while the general idea of finding a mate wasn’t unappealing to Hao, the prospect of having to do so at the castle was frightening. Hao hadn’t set foot there since he had been twelve years old. Wouldn’t he only ridicule himself?
Besides, wasn’t their life at the cottage good? Sure, it got a little boring and there wasn’t much to see or do in town…but it was what he knew.
“Hao, your father would have wanted for you to find a good mate,” his mother kept insisting. Hao bit down on his lip.
He always hated when she said things like that. She never mentioned his father, except for making arguments like this. He bit down on his tongue.
“We’re going. End of discussion.”
She walked back into the kitchen, leaving Hao no further opportunity to argue. He doubted it would’ve worked anyway.
Neither of them brought up the issue for the rest of the day. After lunch his mother excused herself to her study, leaving Hao to take care of the household. He washed their dishes, swept the floor and dusted the shelves. Then he went into the small garden behind their estate. No plants were growing yet, but in the summer they often could survive without buying any food. Hao’s stomach twisted. Would he even get to see their flowers bloom this year?
When he went to bed early that day, he didn’t know what to think anymore. He turned from side to side, unable to find sleep.
He knew he was lucky. He and his mother had a good life. He’s heard of other families that lived without a head alpha that had lost everything - but they had been able to keep their fortune and estate thanks to his father’s good reputation. For him, that had always been enough, but he knew his mother had taken their expulsion from the castle a lot harder.
He should be grateful she had gotten him this opportunity. Only people of noble or royal blood were invited to attend the big courting events held in the caste. Hao was neither noble nor royal - far from it. Hao had never cared much for customs and bloodlines, far more eager to learn about the universe and everything in it. So him returning to the castle for such a prestigious event was…bizarre.
His mother’s wish had always been for him to mate with an alpha of good standing. The prospect of meeting such an alpha in this little town was slim. Meeting any alpha his age in town was rare and if any of them had shown up they had been the sons of farmer’s or fisher’s or seller’s. However, no one had ever made an effort to court him. It had been years since an alpha had even talked to him.
Hao didn’t know why his mother thought any alpha in the castle would show interest in him if he couldn’t even get the attention of one here in town. When he had been younger, Hao had always wondered if there was something wrong with him. Was he not pretty enough? Was he too tall? Was his scent not attractive?
By now Hao had simply accepted that he was not an omega that was desired by alphas. And he was okay with that. He liked his quiet life down at the cottage. It might be lonely at times but it wasn’t bad.
That’s why the thought of going to the castle with the intention of attracting a mate made his stomach ache. Wouldn’t he just humiliate himself?
But what if ? A quiet voice in his head said. Hao had read romance books, and in his most secretive dreams wished to find someone to relate to in a way only a mate could. Like a silly romantic, he dreamed of finding true love.
Don’t , he scolded himself. There was no use hoping for something that would never happen. He was happy where he was now.
Just…what if?
Hao didn’t sleep well that night and the following nights. Every day that their departure to the castle got closer, he felt a little more nauseous.
His mother was quite the opposite. Glowing with excitement, she was running around the cottage to prepare everything for their absence. A temporary housekeeper was hired to make upkeep the cottage and their garden while they were gone. Hao was filled with envy when he thought about the flowers he had planted last year that he would not get to see bloom.
Then, around a week before they would leave, his mother had ordered a tailor to their cottage. At first Hao had been a bit confused - both him and his mother knew how to sew and mend clothes. His mother, especially, always prided herself in her sense of fashion, professionally trained in the art of clothes making. The tailor wasn’t there for normal clothes, however.
“Hao,” his mother pulled him into the sitting room, where they had the biggest windows and the most light was let in.
The tailor had brought multiple fabrics in a variety of colors that were already spread across the room.
“This is my son, Hao,” his mother introduced him, who had just come back from a walk to the graveyard.
The tailor looked him up and down with assessing eyes, making Hao twitch uncomfortably. Being perceived like this made his skin itch with the desire to hide.
“He’s quite tall,” the man commented and Hao blushed red. His height had always been something he felt awkward about. For an omega, he was exceptionally tall.
“Pretty face, though. Very pretty eyes.” The tailor kept judging his appearance.
“He’s here to make you a few gowns for the balls,” his mother finally explained to him. “Stand still so he can get your measurements, okay?”
Hao didn’t get any chance to protest before the man was back in his personal space with a measuring tape. He measured his length, the width of his shoulders, his arms, his torso, his waist - the only time he gave a sort of appreciative hum - his legs and thighs, even the size of his feet. After that was finally done, all different kinds of fabrics were held underneath his chin so they could figure out what colour matched his complexion best.
The whole ordeal made Hao feel entirely self conscious. So far the thought he would stick out with his clothes hadn’t occurred to him, but now it was only another thing he added to his list of worries. Wouldn’t people be able to tell that he was out of place? No matter how many pretty gowns his mother bought for him, he felt like they would be wasted on someone like him. Hao did not look like the kind of omega raised in the castle.
He knew better than to complain, though, so he remained quiet as his mother and the tailor discussed what kind of gown would make his figure look best.
When he was sent to pick up his new clothes a few days later, Hao couldn’t bear to look at them. It all felt so overwhelming to him. If he could turn back time, he would simply lose the letter that had invited him to the castle.
The day before the departure came way too fast. His mother had instructed him to pack his suitcase first thing in the morning, as a carriage would pick them up early the next day. Hao had dragged out his packing the entire day. He wasn’t sure what he would even need. His festive gowns had already been packed separately, so they wouldn’t be harmed during their travels.
Hao folded a few of his other clothes and neatly stored them away. Then he halted again. His gaze wandered to his shelf of books. There would probably be more books in the castle, but he at least wanted to bring some of his favorite ones.
He selected a book about the sea and one about flowers and then stopped. His fingers hovered over the collected notes of his father. Of course, Hao knew them by heart, having read them countless times. His father’s early research and interest had mostly been about nature and flowers. Hao especially loved all his drawings of roses. His latest and most influential work, however, had been philosophical, arguing for a fairer distribution of healthcare in their kingdom. It had been published nationwide and brought along some real changes.
All the notes about his early research, about flowers and trees, however, had never made it into books and Hao had been the only one to ever read them.
He wondered if there were more of his father’s works stored at the castle. When they had left, his mother had refused to take any of his father’s books or unfinished projects with her. If there were any, they were most probably stored at the castle. If they hadn’t been destroyed yet - projects of a dead scholar, remaining to be unfinished forever, would probably be deemed pretty useless.
That thought made an unfathomable sadness take over Hao and he quickly put the notes into his suitcase with his other books.
Apart from dark fantasies about how he would utterly disgrace himself at the castle, his father had occupied most of his thoughts lately. After all, the castle had been the last place he had ever seen him alive. Memories of playing in his father’s old study and running across the gigantic royal gardens with him to catch butterflies played in his head. What would it be like to return to that place?
He sighed, sinking down to the ground.
There was a knock on his door and his mother stuck her head inside. She pursed her lips when she saw the messy state of his room.
“Finish this up quickly and then go to bed,” she told him. “We’re gonna leave early. You need to get some sleep.”
Hao pressed his lips together and nodded. The door closed behind her. He didn’t want to go. The thought of leaving filled him with so much dread.
Suddenly, everything was becoming too much.
Why had his mother thought this was a good idea? Why hadn’t she asked him about it? Why had she decided for him? Didn’t she see how unfitting Hao was? Or did she and that’s why she was doing this? Knowing that Hao could never find a mate on his own?
His cheeks were wet when he touched them and he realized that he had been crying. Wasn’t there anything he could do to prevent this? Why couldn’t he just run away?
Why couldn’t he?
His tears stopped. Adrenaline flushed through his body.
Had he thought for a second about this, he wouldn’t have done it. He would’ve seen what a stupid idea it was. But Hao didn’t give himself a second to think. Overcome with the urge to act, he jumped to his feet.
His mother had already retired to bed, which made it easy to sneak outside.
As soon as he left the cottage, a weird sense of freedom filled him. He almost felt giddy as he started running.
Soon he had to realize that he had nowhere to go. He hadn’t taken anything with him and the night was freezing cold. His entire body was shivering and yet Hao didn’t want to return.
As long as he kept walking, he couldn’t be lost. Even with no destination, moving was better than staying still.
Doubt crept into Hao’s mind. What was he even doing? Even if he disappeared for the night, where would he stay? His mother would search for him. They would find him. There really was no escape. He didn’t want to go somewhere else. He wanted to stay in the cottage. That’s what had gotten him to this situation in the first place.
Paying no attention to his path, Hao wasn’t surprised when he ended up at the entrance of the graveyard. He paused. Slowly he pushed the iron gate open that creaked loudly in the silence of the night.
Hao had no problem sidestepping all the gravestones until he reached the very edge of the graveyard. He pushed the branches of the tree aside that separated his father’s grave from the rest of the world.
Calmness surrounded him as Hao crouched down. His eyes gazed over the words carved into the stone.
Zhang Fei - beloved father, mate and friend.
Flowers only bloom with courage.
Tears shot into his eyes again. His mother had picked out what to write on his stone and that had been the only thing she had decided for his funeral. Hao had never asked her why she had picked those exact words, but he had always loved them.
“Hi dad,” he whispered. He hadn’t spoken to his father like this in years. In the beginning, he had come quite often to talk with him, but over the years he had grown out of it. It was not like his father ever answered.
“I wish you could be here today,” he said. “I know you would know what to say.”
He exhaled, wiping a stray tear off his face.
“I’m really scared. I don’t want to leave. I like it here,” he mumbled. “You understand that, right?”
Of course, his father didn’t reply. But it felt good saying these things out loud. Over time, Hao had sort of forgotten how to speak out. He was so accustomed to remaining quiet in a corner, happy to be on his own and not bother anyone. This town was perfect for that. Quiet and isolated. It’s been years since Hao had even had a friend to talk to. Which probably explained why he was here right now, speaking with a gravestone that wouldn’t never answer back.
Suddenly, his heart was filled with so much pain and longing.
Hao had repressed that feeling for ages but now it came back stronger and more painful than ever.
It was true. He was alone. He had no one. Ever since his father had passed, his life had felt so empty. It’s been over ten years and yet here Hao was, crying at his father’s grave and feeling so utterly lonely.
“If you could see me now you’d probably laugh at me,” Hao mumbled bitterly. “I don’t know why I am this way. I don’t want to be this way.”
As soon as he said it out loud, the thought struck him.
“I don’t want to be this way,” he repeated breathlessly.
If he was being honest, it was hard. Living in town and pretending to be happy when he was not was hard. It hurt. It hurt that there was no one he could talk to about this.
When he had been a child, living in the castle, there had always been someone to talk to. He remembered having friends, he remembered laughter and days filled with happiness.
“I wish I had a chance to turn my life around,” Hao sighed, lifting his eyes from the gravestone to look up at the sky.
As if wanting to answer him, a shooting star crossed the night sky. Hao’s breath hitched. His gaze flickered back to where his father’s name was written, like he was trying to nudge him in the right direction.
Suddenly knowing what to do, Hao got up.
“Thank you,” he breathed.
The carriage arrived as soon as the sun had risen. His mother was tense as she ran around the cottage, making sure everything was in order. Then she ushered Hao into the carriage first, their suitcases being fastened in the back for them by the carter. The velvety cushion gave in slightly under Hao’s weight. His linen pants suddenly felt very cheap.
He shook his head. He had decided last night that he would try to be positive about this. Going back to the castle was a chance at a new life. The cottage had been a safe space for years, but it was time to leave it behind and move out of his comfort zone. Literally, move out.
He still doubted he would find a mate, but he hoped that, at least, he would find a friend. And he was excited to find out more about his father’s research, barely having been able to get any of his books to read in town. If he found a way to not make a total fool of himself, he thought maybe staying at the castle for a while wouldn’t be too bad.
At the very least, it was a chance.