Chapter Text
Dawn had come. A new era began, all the bloodshed and lives that had been lost, will be written on a stone and forever be remembered as a sacrifice of a nation that had stood strong of them all.
The smell of rotten bodies blew Jiraiya's way, his hair was stale from blood and his jonin vest was one kunai away from being ripped apart, it took years and years for the war to end yet he didn't feel victorious.
The war had destroyed everything that he knew, everything that he loved, the once peaceful forest surrounded by green pastures is now bleeding with fallen comrades and enemies who once threatened to destroy his home.
The blood on his hands, on his shirt, on his veins, he doesn't know who it belongs, from an enemy or a comrade, he had taken a life more than he can count, he doesn't know how to identify who's who anymore.
All of them are lying dead near his feet
In a war casualties and sacrifice are something that can't be stopped, Everyone goes to the battlefield prepared to die, no one goes to war and thinks about making it back alive, a part of a shinobi had already died even before they stepped on the battleground and get killed, death doesn't scare anyone anymore.
It took him a lot of time to grasp that.
Jiraiya roamed his gaze on the battlefield, he had lost count of how many times he had prayed not to see familiar faces only to get disappointed over and over again
How did these happen? They all were fighting for the same goal, every village, had only one objective, to bring peace and make their home safe from harm, Why did they fight until that home had burned to the ground?
Jiraiya rolled the scroll after sealing a body and hanging it on his back once again, he didn't know how many dead bodies were inside that scroll yet there's still so much that he could see; the count was never-ending, now or even then the number will just continue to grow, perhaps he should count them right from the start, should even write their name on his wrist, so he won't forget those he had failed to protect
Few steps away from him there's another dead body, his head spins, the corpse was all too familiar
I'm going to see my mother and build her a house when this war is over.
Yukiko had promised, now he's laying there lifeless, his promises and dreams have gone to waste.
Knees buckling Jiraiya had to drag himself towards his friend, only managing a few steps before the world started spinning around him, an arm caught him before he fell on the ground, soft and feminine yet so strong and steady, just like she always is
"Take it easy Jiraiya." her warm breath are near his ear when she speaks and he let his eyes close and lean into her gratefully.
He had dreamed thousand different ways to sweep her off her feet, yet, right there, in the middle of destruction and nothing seems right, he is the hopeless one. The one that needs grounding, Jiraiya pressed his cheek on Tsunade's temple, breathing her in as if she had brought fresh air when she arrived, in truth she somehow does, he only gets to breathe freely when she's around.
"You're alive" His voice was groggy from the lack of hydration, all of him was aching yet at that moment he was grateful.
He hadn't thought of her when the fight was on its high and he should feel guilty about it, but he knows of all people she can handle herself has the highest chance of making it out of the battlefield alive, and he's right, he's damn right and he doesn't know what to do if he was wrong,
Jiraiya pressed his nose on her neck, right under her steady pulse, and a sound akin to a cry reached his ears, not a sob but somewhere in between, and he knew better than to think that she's crying, both of them were too proud to do that, even if her neck had felt damp later, her hand clutches his shirt under the jonin vest tightly and pulls him closer.
--/--
Jiraiya hadn't attended the memorial service held by the village, what he's supposed to do there? He knows all of them yet he's not someone who should cry for them, those corpses once had a family, they should be the ones to cry for them not a failure like him.
Hunched on a tree at the mountaintop, sitting between the first and the second Hokage, Jiraiya watched children of Konoha play at the roof and eventually get yelled at by an old lady
Jiraiya lightly chuckled, he'd like to think that he never was once a sad person, Tsunade used to call him a fool for always seeing the best in any situation or most of the time, people, but even then he never changed, he won't, trusting is a great gift anyone could offer and Jiraiya wholeheartedly will give that to people he dimmed fit of it, Jiraiya's not sure if he wants the next generation to inherit his will, but he hopes that somehow his gutsiness as he called it, will be passed even on just one of them
The village hidden in the leaf was peaceful in spring, and there should be a symbolism of that, a rebirth, a time for a new beginning, but there's something so poignant in the air like he is anticipating a surprise attack or another war
Like there's a danger nearby
Somewhere in the future, there would be children running freely on green pastures while there are some who would be fighting for their lives behind the shadows of a tree, a young mind was easy to entice, betrayal perhaps is worse than death.
His mind wandered to the young Hatake, he had heard that a comrade of his had fallen at the battle, Jiraiya could only wish that Sakumo had trained his son to be strong enough to overcome such grief, but when he thought about it, Sakumo had done a fair job raising the kid on his own, Sakumo had cherished Kakashi with all his might and soon his son would grow up a fine shinobi like him, Jiraiya smile at the thought there's no space for them at such world but Sakumo the little runt had done spectacular for himself
Maybe... Blonde hair and golden irises instantly flooded his mind and a smile morphed on his face as he watched the sunset, the horizon had turned gold and all kinds of amber, red leaves fell from trees leaving ashes in their wake, blazing sun, fire, red, all colours associated with love and he doesn't know how that same colour fall under the same narrative with grief, how she's so beautiful surrounded with those colour, he felt her chakra nears him and Jiraiya crossed his arms under his head and lean back on the tree much further, patiently waited for her to collect him as she always does.
"Jiraiya! Sensei was looking for you, you idiot!"
The corner of his mouth curled upwards and peeked down at her, as expected Tsunade was looking up at her with a fierce scowl marred on her face
Some faces will remind him of grief and he will wake up in the middle of the night sweating and screaming at the shadows those nights are hard to endure. However some faces would remind him of love and he spent his days admiring them, clinging to the last bit of their features, devouring them with his eyes, he had always been greedy for happiness, grasping every last bit he could hold because then, even for a moment the shadows will disappear.
Jiraiya's smile widened when Tsunade yelled once more, few more seconds and she will chop the tree he's sitting at with just one punch. Yet even with her temper (and what a temper it is) she remained beautiful, no flowers were surrounding her, no special lights, yet the simplicity of her surroundings only made her beauty stand out, her hair was tied in its usual ponytail and her blue haori blowing majestically behind her, eyes so fierce it could replace the sun.
Jiraiya wouldn't mind staring at her for as long as he could if she let him.
--/--
"I will be back before you know it." Jiraiya teases Tsunade whose arms are crossed over her chest as she stares him down, looking from where he stands he could admit that the view is quite ample. It's big, her reaction that is, she doesn't react like that when they go on separate missions, they had steadily grown closer after the war and he will admit that he likes the change, still... "You're scowling like you're going to miss me, you're flattering me, princess."
"In your dreams!" Tsunade jutted her chin haughtily, like the spoiled girl that she is and his grin widened, he didn't expect any less
"Oh come on, give me something to bring before I leave princess," the way she tensed when he stepped closer made his eyes dance in amusement, he leaned down until they were eye to eye and smirked "Tell me you'll miss me"
"Fuck you Jiraiya" Despite the faint blush on her cheeks she pushes him off her, so he's not trapping her on the wall "I am being serious, ten months is just too damn long for an escorting mission, something is amiss, sensei are not giving all the details, this, this is dangerous you shouldn't go."
"You know I have another purpose on this mission," He doesn't miss the way her eyes gleam. He knows, knows that she doesn't believe the prophecy bestowed upon him, she had asked him one time if he would stay in the village after the war and Jiraiya is smart enough to know what she's truly saying.
Jiraiya if he can, would stay with her all the time but this, that prophecy are bigger than him and her, at any of them, this child could potentially change the whole shinobi world, could bring peace, and he won't turn his back on them, even if it means he has to be apart from the woman he loves
"I'll be back before you know it" He gently squeeze her shoulder to re assure her, she's on the verge of crying and that just won't do to Jiraiya, he hates seeing her in pain. most especially if it's because of him, if she's going to get hurt by him leaving then what's the purpose of this all? He needs her to be the same paige as him before he go Jiraiya plastered a smile that he knows annoys her to no end, tilted her chin so she look at him again "I mean I have something to look forward to when I come back, that mission is so long, when I come back you won't be the flat chest-"
Her fist struck his jaw before he could finish his sentence, and as usual, he let her
"Jiraiya! Be serious!" There's no ounce of amusement in her voice and he laughed as he stood while rubbing his jaw, the normalcy of the moment making everything else easy, nothing will change, nothing will ever change
"I promise I'll be back" Jiraiya ignored her widened eyes when he gathered her in his arms, his lips pressed on her temple "I will really miss you, princess."