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1.
Stan is glad that he and Kyle are best friends again. He didn’t really mean it, when he said that Cartman was his new best friend, and he’s pretty confident that Kyle didn’t mean it either. Cartman is nothing like Kyle. Cartman and Stan don't sync up like Kyle and Stan. Cartman only cares about mimicking Bear Grylls and sticking his finger in animal buttholes, whereas Kyle cares about helping Gorak – or Steve, which was a fitting name, honestly – just like Stan. Cartman doesn’t finish Stan’s catchphrase whenever Kenny dies, and Stan wouldn’t want him to, or anyone else to, for that matter, except Kyle.
Stan doesn’t know who would’ve won the fight if they kept going. They were pretty evenly matched, hitting and throwing each other around. Stan looks over at Kyle now, trying to gauge how much damage he did. There’s dirt on Kyle’s sweater and a bruise on his cheek, but he doesn’t seem upset, which makes Stan glad, because he isn’t upset either, not anymore, doesn’t even know why they fought over Gorak in the first place. At least, the reason seems stupid now. Stan plans to get his mom to help clean them up. The walk back to his house from the train station is kind of far, but Kyle’s next to him again, so he couldn’t care less.
“Dude, I would’ve totally won that fight,” Kyle says. Stan smiles. It’s like they can read each other’s minds.
“No way dude, I would’ve totally kicked your ass.”
“Nuh-uh,” Kyle says playfully, pointing his finger at Stan’s face. “I fucked you up real good. I’m pretty sure I gave you a black eye, and your punches didn’t even hurt.”
“Well, I definitely have more stamina. Bet you would’ve died from exhaustion if I didn’t kill you first.”
They banter until they reach Main Street, automatically heading towards Stan’s house. Stan is fired up, the teasing turned into believing that he would have actually won. He reviews the fight in his mind, searching for proof of Kyle’s obvious loss. It’s kind of a blur now, all Stan can really remember is the pain of his back hitting asphalt or his fist striking Kyle’s face. He’s seen Kyle angry before, but he’s never seen it directed at him, manifested into something physical. Kyle’s eyes were so intense, all of his focus on Stan. They’ve roughhoused in the past, but this was the first time they were sweating and panting and bruised by the end of it. Stan’s never seen Kyle like that before, not even from sports. The image makes Stan’s stomach feel weird, kind of like how it feels whenever he sees Wendy. He doesn’t feel like throwing up, but he thinks he wants to see Kyle like that again. Stan feels hot in his coat.
“I think the only way we’ll actually know who would’ve won is if we fight again,” Stan suggests, although he doesn’t know why he feels embarrassed saying it. Kyle smiles at him questioningly.
“Do you wanna fight again?”
“I mean, I’m down if you’re down.”
Kyle laughs. “Okay, let’s fight. Tomorrow, same time.”
Stan can’t wait. He doesn’t know why he feels so excited, and he doesn’t know why he feels like he has to keep that excitement a secret, but he does. Stan realizes, too, that he doesn’t even care if he loses.
2.
Not only are they best friends again, they’re super best friends. Stan couldn’t be happier. He’s also glad that Kyle’s alive. The muscles in his legs still burn from how fast he was running trying to find him, and his throat feels sore from how loud he was screaming “oh my God, they killed Kenny!” Maybe it should be concerning how willingly Kyle can denounce their friendship, but Stan knows how frivolous he can be. He never means it, he always comes back around, and Stan cares for him all the same. No matter how far Kyle goes, Stan will always be there to pick up the pieces.
They’re flying back to Colorado, Stan sitting next to Kyle along with their friends sitting in different rows, with Jesus as their adult chaperone. Kyle is asleep, his head resting on Stan’s shoulder while Stan looks out the window. He’s pretty tired himself, and he knows he’ll conk out any minute now. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open and his thoughts are getting all nonsense and blending into one another, but he can’t stop thinking about Cartman’s snarky comment. Stan feels like he should probably be used to Cartman’s gay jokes by now, but whenever Kyle gets upset, it’s easy for Stan to get upset, too. Cartman’s such an asshole, he always has to ruin it. He just doesn’t get it. He’ll never have a best friend as awesome as Kyle. It’s not their fault if Cartman thinks they’re secretly gay for each other. If anything, that’s probably more telling of Cartman than of Stan and Kyle. Make out with each other? Yeah right, very funny Cartman. Stan turns his head slowly to peer at Kyle, making sure he doesn’t wake up. Yeah, no. Kyle doesn’t even seem like the kissing type, and Stan has a girlfriend who he’d much rather kiss instead. Ridiculous. Fucking Cartman, at least he got what he deserved. Wouldn’t it be funny, though, if Stan leaned over right now, just tilted his head down a few inches towards Kyle, and pressed his lips against his forehead, or his cheek, or his…
Stan shakes his head, but his gaze lands right on Kyle’s parted lips. He looks so calm sleeping on Stan’s shoulder, and Stan feels protective all of a sudden, wanting Kyle to rest easy against him for the rest of the flight.
Stan thinks, just for a fleeting second, that maybe he wouldn’t mind putting his lips against Kyle’s, and then he closes his eyes and sleeps until they land.
3.
“Dude, wasn’t that a little harsh?” Kyle says after Wendy walks away dejectedly. Stan scoffs.
“No way, dude. I was just being honest. Wendy can go fuck herself.”
Kyle looks at Stan skeptically. “Weren’t you just jealous of Wendy doing this stupid project with me instead of you?”
Stan just shrugs, jostling his arm sling, and his shoulder stings a little. He isn’t lying, he genuinely doesn’t care about what Wendy thinks of him. Or at least, he’s trying to feel that way. It’s a little hard to, especially since he’s liked Wendy for so long. It’s always felt like she was the only girl for him, but ever since they broke up, Stan realizes that he doesn’t really know anything about her, and Wendy doesn’t really know anything about him. They never really hung out, or at least not as often as Stan hung out with his friends, but why would he? His friends are way more fun to hang out with. Wendy doesn’t wanna play video games or basketball with him, and Stan doesn’t really wanna gossip or go shoe shopping with her. Besides, Wendy is always with her friends most of the time, too. Stan wonders if that’s normal. Shouldn’t they want to spend all their time together if they like each other? If they were to be together forever and get married, that would mean they would be living together and hanging out all the time, right? That sounds kind of ridiculous. Then again, he never really sees his own parents hanging out. They’re usually doing their own thing, and whenever they talk to each other it’s usually about boring grown-up stuff. So maybe not wanting to hang out with your girlfriend is normal. Stan shakes his head. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, doesn’t know anything, really. He knows that Wendy is pretty and smart, and that’s why he liked her, and that’s what should count, right?
“Stan!”
“Huh, what?” Stan startles, snapping his focus to Kyle.
“I asked if you wanted to watch the new Terrance and Phillip at mine. We can’t really do anything else.”
Stan nods. “Yeah, sure.”
“What were you thinking about?” Kyle asks, leading the way to his place. Stan waves his uninjured arm dismissively.
“Nothing, it was gay.”
“Speaking of gay, why the fuck did your dad congratulate us about gay marriage rights?”
“Dude, I don’t know, why were we getting shot at trying to turn in our egg?”
“I don’t fucking know,” Kyle sighs. “Weird fucking week.”
“Tell me about it.”
So gay people can get married. That’s cool. Stan seriously doesn’t know what he and Kyle did to make it happen, but it’s chill, he guesses. That means he’s legally allowed to marry a guy. Except he isn’t gay, so that would never happen. He entertains the thought anyway while he walks. Who would he wanna hang out with all the time for the rest of his life? Kyle, no doubt. Why wouldn’t he wanna hang out with his best friend all the time? If they were married, it means they would live in the same house. Stan smiles to himself, that idea sounds kind of awesome. It’s like having a sleepover that lasts forever, and they could do whatever they wanted. It would be so much fun, way more fun than living with Wendy, and Stan knows that he and Kyle would never act like how his parents act, where they’re sometimes distant from each other. Stan slows down when he realizes that people who are married also kiss each other, and sleep in the same bed. Even his parents do that, despite everything. Stan feels his face start to get warm. He can sleep in the same bed with Kyle, no problem, they do that whenever they stay the night at each other’s houses, but kissing him? If they get married, they have to kiss each other, right? Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave kissed each other just a few minutes ago. Do Stan and Kyle have to do that too? Stan swallows. Why does he feel like this isn’t the first time he’s thought about kissing Kyle.
“Stan, what is up with you?” Kyle asks suddenly. Stan comes back to reality once again, and he realizes that he’s completely stopped walking.
“Uh,” Stan says dumbly. He stares at Kyle, observing his concerned expression. His eyes move to Kyle’s mouth for a second, and it feels practiced, like Stan’s been doing it all his life. He thinks he probably has. He can feel himself blushing, then he throws up.
“Aw, dude, sick!” Kyle exclaims, backing up a few steps.
As Stan wipes his mouth, still hunched over and unable to face Kyle, he realizes how fucked he is. Kyle’s hat really is the greatest hat he’s ever known.
4.
Stan is quick to catch up to Kyle after he storms out of his house, Guitar Hero abandoned. They walk next to each other silently, heading in no particular direction as Kyle silently fumes and mumbles under his breath about how he wasted all that time stressing and being depressed over such a stupid game. Stan nudges his arm.
“Wanna play basketball?”
Kyle sighs. “I guess. At least it won’t call me a fag.”
“Yeah.”
“That was so fucking dumb! All of that hard work, and for what? Super stardom is a load of bullcrap. I can’t believe I spent all my savings on that game.”
“Yeah, same,” Stan says. He still had fun though, and he’s glad he got to play with Kyle, and that they’re talking again. They go through a lot of rough patches, Stan realizes, but he doesn’t care about Kyle any less. If anything, his affection for his best friend has only grown over the years. Stan knows it’s dangerous, different. Well, maybe not different, more like more. He glances sideways at Kyle as they cross the street to the basketball court. Stan wonders if Kyle likes boys, if he could like a boy. Stan doesn’t even know if he likes boys himself. He’s never thought about kissing or going on a date with a boy until Kyle. He’s never felt anything about a boy like how he used to feel about Wendy. Then again, the way he feels about Kyle isn’t like how he felt about Wendy, but Stan is certain he likes him all the same, or whatever it is. To be honest, Stan has never felt this way about another person before, where he feels the most complete when it’s the two of them. Where he wants to tuck Kyle under his arm or put him in his pocket, where he wants to give him everything. Stan knows he likes girls, has known since day one, but he also loves Kyle, and he feels like a part of him has known since day one, too.
Kyle tosses him the ball, and the two of them fall into their natural rhythm. Stan still doesn’t know if he’s gay or what. Like the universe was trying to give him a sign through fucking Guitar Hero. He decides that it’s stupid, and that he likes Kyle, already admitted to him and himself that he needs him, because anything is worth doing if they do it together, and leaves it at that.
5.
The next day at school after Kyle speaks about Jewish people running Hollywood, Stan is nervous to go up to him. It took kind of a lot for him to admit that he was jealous of Tolkien, especially because he and Tolkien hang out one-on-one too, but Stan’s never felt more possessive of Kyle. Stan missed him, missed sitting next to him at lunch and playing football in the school yard. Kyle’s always been into social media, and he loves making those stupid TikToks, so maybe Stan’s just being dumb and selfish and a sissy. It doesn’t help that Kyle just seems more endearing, even when he’s practically breaking Stan’s heart.
“Hey, dude,” Kyle says, startling Stan in the hallway. “I didn’t see you this morning.”
Stan tries to shrug, but it feels too stiff. He puts his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, uh. I got called into the office,” he lies. “...where’s Tolkien?”
“Fuck if I know, don’t you guys carpool to school together?”
“Oh, yeah…”
They’re quiet for a bit, and Stan feels awkward and is worried that Kyle feels awkward too. Right when Kyle opens his mouth to say something, Stan beats him to it.
“I’m sorry again, by the way, for making everyone at school pissed at you.” He’s too scared to look at Kyle’s face. “And I’m sorry for getting all weird and jealous.” He blushes. “I haven’t been a very good best friend.”
Kyle doesn’t respond for a second, and Stan’s about to look at him to gauge his reaction when Kyle flicks him on the forehead.
“Ow, what?”
“I’m sorry too, Stan. I got sucked in, and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t mean to suddenly stop hanging out with the guys, and you especially.” Kyle smiles. “I guess I haven’t been a very good best friend, either.”
Stan smiles back, and he’s never loved anyone this much before. He wraps his arms around Kyle’s neck and pulls him close, pouring all of his affection into the hug.
“Woah!” Kyle chuckles. “Are you drunk?”
“Nope, dead sober,” Stan says, his smile growing wider as he basically nuzzles into Kyle’s shoulder. Kyle wraps his arms around Stan’s back.
“Wanna make a TikTok with me?”
“Uhh…” Stan hesitates. “Why don’t we just play video games later instead?”
Kyle laughs and squeezes Stan tighter. “Okay, sounds fun.”
Stan’s glad that Kyle didn’t beg. It’s always hard to say no to him, and Stan usually gives in one way or another. It’s easy to fold when it comes to Kyle. Stan would do anything for him. Right now, that’s the best he thinks he can manage without blowing up. Maybe one day, when he’s bigger and smarter, he’ll tell Kyle how he feels.
+1
Stan’s car drives him to Kyle’s house. It’s New Year’s Eve and the sun’s already set, and while Stan knows he’s always welcome to any Broflovski holiday party, he still feels like he’s intruding. Today feels a little bit different, though. It feels like something in him is pushing him forward, urging him to go. He feels strong, he feels brave, he feels ready. He also feels a little crazy, basically ditching Wendy’s New Year’s party to go to Kyle’s instead. Stan’s been to space, but this is the most daunting thing he’s ever done.
His car parks itself in Kyle’s driveway, Ike’s and Sheila’s respective vehicles taking up most of the space. Stan steps out, and he gets a wave of nostalgia from seeing Kyle’s roof and window sills covered in a thin layer of snow, even though it isn’t the house he grew up in. For a second, Stan feels like a kid again, like he’s too small for the mountain of fervor that’s inside of him. But he’s not a kid, he’s a grown-ass man, but even so, the intensity is all the same. It grew with him, it grew with Kyle. His love for Kyle is like a low thrum, flowing under his skin and simmering in the back of his mind. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s always been there. He felt it growing up, he especially felt it when they hugged on Boxing Day, and he feels it ready to burst now, walking up the steps and towards the front door. Kyle’s daughter is the one who greets him after he knocks.
“Uncle Stan!” she gasps with excitement.
“Hey, sweetpea!”
“Are you here to celebrate with us?”
“Sure am, but I was hoping to talk to your dad for a little bit. He around?”
“Uh-huh!” she exclaims, smile wide on her face. She turns around. “Dad! Uncle Stan is here!”
“What?” Kyle yells back, and Stan sees his head pop out of the kitchen. Kyle smiles when he approaches, and it’s the same smile he’s had when they were in college, when they were teenagers, when they were ten years old. Stan feels giddy, which he’s probably too old for, but Kyle makes him feel ageless. “Hey, dude! What’re you doing here? Come in!”
Stan gets shy, which he’s probably too old for, too. “Wait, can we like, sit out here for a second?”
Kyle raises an eyebrow, but his smile is still on his face. He sends his daughter back inside and closes the door, then he and Stan sit on the front steps.
“What’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be at Wendy’s right now?” Kyle asks, resting his arms on his knees.
Stan mirrors his position and shrugs. “Yeah, but I don’t know.” That’s a lie, he knows. “I just really wanted to come here instead.” Kyle nudges Stan’s shoulder with his.
“Well, it’s a nice surprise. We haven’t celebrated New Year’s together in a while. You celebrated last year with Wendy, right?”
“Yeah, and it was nice catching up. It was nice catching up with her today, too, but it felt, like, wrong for me to be there, and it kind of felt wrong for me to be there last year, too. I mean, Wendy’s a good friend, definitely, but I kind of feel like a cardboard cutout when I’m around her sometimes.”
Kyle blinks. “I’m pretty sure she’s still trying to get with you, you know. High school sweethearts die hard.”
Stan rolls his eyes. “We weren’t even together in high school.”
“You know what I mean. But you should really stop leading her on like that if you’re not interested in her. Unless… are you interested in her?”
“Kyle…” Stan says, and looks Kyle in the eye with an expression he thinks looks half desperate and half telling. Kyle holds his gaze, and Stan sees him swallow.
“…What?”
Stan bumps his knee into Kyle’s. “Did you not just hear me say I feel like a cardboard cutout around her?”
“Well, you threw up around her, Stan, I think we can conclude that your reactions to liking someone aren’t exactly conventional.”
“I threw up around you,” Stan says, keeping the shakiness out of his voice because he’s a man, goddammit, and he can totally handle this now. He knows Kyle is picking up what he’s putting down, knows by Kyle’s worried look and red face.
“Stan…”
Stan shifts so his body is facing Kyle, looking at him dead on and determined. “When I’m around you, Kyle, I feel real, I feel human. I feel more like myself than if it was just me. You make me who I am. Without you, I’m not half the Stan I know I can be. It’s been like that since we were kids, it’s even like that right now. I want to be like this for the rest of my life, and…” Stan doesn’t know how they suddenly got so close, but they are, his face a mere inches away from Kyle’s, who looks at him intently and wide-eyed and unblinking. “And… you’re the only one who can make me this way.”
Kyle is the one who closes the gap, slotting his lips against Stan’s. Stan doesn’t know what’s going on at first, but then he returns the kiss in earnest. His chest feels like it’s going to burst open and his brain feels like it’s going to melt because finally, finally. Kyle feels perfect against him, everything he’s ever dreamed of and more, and Stan wants every cell in his body to kiss every cell in Kyle’s. Stan feels like a loose spring, the solid ground, the man he was meant to be. He grabs onto Kyle’s arm to make sure this isn’t a fantasy, and when Kyle rests a hand on Stan’s shoulder, he knows he doesn’t have to worry.
“When did you figure all this out?” Kyle mumbles against Stan’s lips, refusing to break away, eyes still closed.
“Fucking, ages ago, dude,” Stan mumbles back. “Feels like forever.”
Kyle presses his lips against Stan’s again before backing up to look at him, but still leaning in close. “Why did you wait so long?”
Kyle says it so tragically that Stan makes a sound of distress deep in his throat and tightly hugs Kyle against him. “I’m sorry, I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wait this long, you have to believe me. Just know that I’ve literally never stopped loving you.” Kyle laughs as he returns the embrace.
“Even at 40 you can still be so…” Kyle doesn’t finish what he’s saying, but Stan knows what he’s trying to get at. They’re synced up, after all. Stan kisses him again, and in the distance fireworks go off.
“Did we miss the countdown?” Stan asks.
“I don’t know, and I don’t really care. This countdown was big enough for me.”
Stan feels absolutely lovesick. “Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year, Stan.”
Eventually, they head inside, fingers interlaced and unbreaking even as Stan says hi to everyone. Kyle squeezes his hand, and Stan squeezes back.