Archive of Our Own

This happens sometimes, whenever Emily ends up letting herself think too hard. She ponders the ridiculousness of it all, gets hung up on the simple notion of the idea; she’s in love with her best friend. How laughable, right? She fell for the cute blonde, of course she did. 

It had almost been inevitable, the brunette hadn’t ever been able to resist blonde hair, or blue eyes, or a beaming smile. Put it all together? She had never even stood a chance. 

So, yes; she’s in love with her best friend. That fact is almost digestible, she could have handled that, as torturous as it may have ended up being. Of course, things aren’t ever that simple for her, though. The thing that Emily can’t wrap her head around… is that JJ feels the same way. 

At least, she says she does. However, regardless of JJ’s assurances, it’s been eight months. She and Emily have spent nearly an entire year sharing nights together, scattered around cities all across the country; carefully keeping their secret hidden away in hotel rooms, big and small. 

That’s the primary reason the brunette can’t quite believe JJ when she says that she loves Emily, too. After all, they’ve kept their relationship completely off the radars of their team — practically their family — as well as, most importantly, Will. 

JJ still hasn’t come clean. 

It isn’t easy to come out, let alone as an adult. Emily knows that better than anyone. Her own experience had been traumatic, to say the least, but… keeping their relationship hidden is hard. She tries not to care; she’s constantly telling herself that JJ is enough, in whatever capacity she gets. Still, though. It’s not easy being JJ’s secret.

To make matters worse, it’s never just been about sex. At least, not for the brunette. Emily wants it all. She wants the fancy dinner dates; she’d spoil JJ absolutely rotten — lord knows she can afford it. She wants the lazy mornings littered with kisses, the boring afternoons spent fighting over the remote. She wants the laughs shared over glasses of wine, bathed in the moonlight that would stream in from the living room windows. 

Emily wants a life together. She has to remind herself of the reality, though. JJ already has all of that… with him. 

It makes the brunette positively sick to think about it. His hands on her, right along with the trademark dirt beneath his unclipped fingernails. She imagines that man laying in bed with JJ, still wearing the undershirt he’d worn to work that day. The idea of that man holding her — touching her… it’s hard for Emily to keep down the bile that rises up her throat at the mere thought.

She wants JJ all to herself, and maybe that’s wrong, but it’s also, undeniably, human. And really, who can blame her? It’s Jennifer Jareau. In Emily’s eyes, the blonde is practically an angel, above the notion of wrong and right. Of course, that’s not to say the brunette is oblivious to JJ’s flaws; she’s not insane. No, it’s all of JJ’s imperfections, the little insecurities and mistakes that she tries to hide. That’s what makes her perfect to Emily, wholly and completely. So what if the brunette worships the ground JJ walks on? She’s in love. Sue her. 

Regardless, JJ has a boyfriend, a father to her child. Emily can’t be the reason that Henry’s parents don’t stay together; she loves that kid too damn much to do that to him. Then again, maybe she’s overestimating how much she actually means to JJ. The blonde probably wouldn’t even consider leaving Will, not for her. Emily is damaged goods — she’s seen too much, done too much. She doesn’t deserve JJ, not truly.

Whatever. At least they have tonight, Emily tells herself.

Right now, they’re about halfway back to the hotel. The entire team is crammed into one of their FBI issued SUVs, and unfortunately, it’s not all that spacious. Hotch and Rossi are up front, with Morgan and Reid in the backseat, while JJ and Emily in the third row. 

The aforementioned pair of women are currently trying not to look at each other. Their thighs are touching, endlessly brushing together. It’s not as though they have much choice, though; there’s simply not enough space back there for them not to be touching. 

They both know what’s inevitably going to happen tonight, even if JJ pretends she’s against it. Really, any time they end up alone together, as long as there’s a door with a lock, they just can’t help themselves. It’s easier for the blonde to act like she doesn’t want this — them — in the daylight. Emily knows that, but still… it stings. 

The brunette lives with it, though, because when the sun settles below the horizon, JJ becomes hers. In that indefinite, unimaginably limitless space, their time together seems to stretch forever and somehow end far too quickly. 

The team had arrived in Pittsburgh around noon, having gone straight to the police station. They had spent the entire day chasing leads and building their profile, with no end in sight. JJ and Emily have hardly exchanged a word outside of their usual theorizing, only being allowed a few minutes to make small talk over coffee before Morgan had returned from his bathroom break. Eventually, after enough yawning from the others, Hotch had called it a night.

After a while, they pull up to the hotel, where their bags have already been dropped off and taken to their respective rooms, courtesy of some local PD secretary that had nothing better to do. They trudge into the lobby, as tired as they’ve ever been. Hotch collects their room keys from the kind-looking receptionist, and promptly begins handing them out.

As usual, they’ve been allocated three hotel rooms. Hotch and Rossi in the first, Morgan and Reid in the second, with Emily and JJ in the third. The brunette smiles to herself as she listens to Hotch list off their room numbers; they’re all on different floors, in completely opposite directions. She and JJ won’t be disturbed. Although to be fully honest, she does feel a tad sorry for whoever occupies the rooms adjacent to her and JJ’s. The blonde can get… well, loud.

“Meet back here at six sharp, we need to get started early.” Hotch declares stoically, quickly setting off towards the elevators, with Rossi only a few steps behind. The team eagerly splits up to take their respective routes, all excited to be heading off to bed after the day they’ve had.

Emily and JJ quietly begin their trek, and their mutual silence extends into the elevator. Its metallic doors are reflective, painting a warped picture of the two women within itself. The brunette looks away from the image staring back at her — she can’t stand being this close to the woman she loves without being able to do anything about it. 

When they arrive at their destination, Emily pulls out the keycard she’d received from Hotch. When they finally arrive outside of their room, Emily holds the door open for the blonde, letting JJ pass her to enter first. The older woman is good like that; courteous, almost gentlemanly. 

“Oh, fuck me.” She hears JJ curse from inside the hotel room. 

Emily quickly closes the door behind her, locking it. She walks further into the room, curiously seeking out the cause of the blonde’s outburst. She looks around, but still doesn’t quite understand. “What is it?” Emily asks, utterly oblivious.

“There’s only one bed.” JJ sighs, sauntering over to where her suitcase had been placed below the windowsill, right next to Emily’s. “I was kinda hoping we could get through this case without…” The younger woman trails off, leaving her sentence unfinished for Emily to decipher. She glances over her shoulder at the brunette, giving her a pointed look.

“What, having sex?” Emily wonders aloud, still a little confused. She may be an exceptionally talented profiler, but in her personal life, she’s completely clueless. “It’s fine, Jay — we don’t have to.” She adds, albeit with a slight hint of hurt in her voice. The brunette kneels beside the blonde as she speaks. She promptly picks up her suitcase, only to deposit it atop the desk in the hotel room a moment later. 

“I know we don’t have to, I just…” JJ doesn’t quite finish her sentence, although Emily isn’t sure why. The blonde glances down at the contents of her suitcase, absentmindedly fiddling with a pair of balled-up socks. 

She can’t look at Emily when she speaks next. Instead, JJ elects to focus her gaze on the pair of simple white socks in her hands. “He’s getting suspicious, Emily — I never want to do stuff with him anymore. Not since you and I… y’know.” JJ trails off, but Emily catches her meaning. She laughs lightly at the blonde’s words. 

For whatever reason, JJ always gets extremely flustered when talking about sex. It’s ironic, really — considering that once Emily gets her desperate enough, the younger woman has almost zero control over what comes out of her mouth. “Not to mention Denver.” JJ adds. Emily can practically hear the other woman’s eyes roll as she says it.

“What about Denver?” The brunette asks incredulously, just as she begins gathering her pajamas. She picks out a plain black tank top, along with the boxers that she’d pulled on early this morning.

“The hickeys, Emily. I mean, they were pretty much gone by the time we got home, but still. Will’s not an idiot.” JJ says, standing from where she’d been kneeling by the window. 

The blonde nonchalantly lifts her button-up over her head. At this point, they’ve seen each other naked so many times, it’s really not that big of a deal for her. Emily, however, has to make a conscious effort not to stare. Nonetheless, JJ takes her bra off, too, before slipping on an oversized Georgetown t-shirt. Emily recognizes the shirt — she knows JJ has had it since college.

“I beg to differ — eight months and he’s still none the wiser.” Emily laughs slightly. She takes her shirt and bra off, too, quickly pulling the black tank-top on. The brunette leans down to unzip her combat boots, kicking them off carelessly.

“How many times have I told you not to do that?” The younger woman asks rhetorically. “I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and I always end up tripping over your gigantic shoes.” JJ says, chuckling slightly. 

The domesticity of her remark catches the brunette a bit off guard. Emily just shrugs, hastily moving to tuck the boots under the desk and out of the way. “Sorry.” She mumbles, and the vulnerability that laces her voice surprises both of them.

“It’s okay.” JJ assures gently. “I’m just glad you don’t snore. It’s nice to have a break.” The blonde smiles lightly. She pushes her pants down her legs, discarding them to rest within her suitcase. As JJ crawls into bed, Emily gives her a glance. The younger woman catches it immediately. “What?” She asks, lifting a questioning brow at the older woman.

“Nothing, just…” Emily pauses, contemplating her next words. Truthfully, she’s scared that she’s about to kill the peaceful vibe they have going. After a moment, the brunette decides to continue anyway. “You just… look really beautiful. I like when you don’t wear makeup. You don't need it.” Emily says, smiling softly.

JJ scoffs dismissively, but the brunette doesn’t miss the blush that appears upon her cheeks. “Don’t lie to me — ever since I gave birth, my worry lines have gotten so much worse.” The blonde groans, hiding her face behind her hands. Emily can’t help but find it absolutely adorable.

“They have not! You look amazing, just like always.” Emily says it with such conviction, JJ can’t help but believe her. Truthfully, JJ will always be the most beautiful woman in the world in Emily’s eyes, though. A couple wrinkles won’t ever change that. 

Regardless, the brunette slips out of her slacks, suddenly clad only in her tank-top and boxers. The older woman has always found it impossible not to notice how differently she and JJ dress at night. The blonde refuses to slumber in anything other than oversized t-shirts and panties. Not that Emily is complaining — the ensemble provides easy access.

“Whatever.” The younger woman responds, though she can’t help but smile. The plush white pillows beneath her head paint her as an angel. When Emily notices the way JJ’s honey-golden hair contrasts against the stark white backdrop, she can’t help but be reminded of a halo.

The brunette carefully slips into bed next to JJ, trying not to get too close. Emily doesn’t want to accidentally make the other woman uncomfortable with her proximity. The younger woman hesitates for a moment, though she eventually elects to address Emily’s apprehension. “It's okay.” She says quietly.

“What is?” Emily asks, slightly puzzled by JJ’s words. The brunette turns to lay on her side, facing JJ.

“If you want to, y’know… touch me.” The blonde blushes as she speaks, avoiding Emily’s gaze. To tell the truth, JJ is unsure of how her words are going to land. 

Regardless, the brunette smiles in response. “Well, of course I want to, but I’m not gonna do anything without your explicit permission.” She promises, her smile softening slightly. “I don’t ever want to make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with — this is completely up to you.” Emily says, with a hint of reverence.

“I… I do. I do want to.” The blonde admits, blushing a little brighter this time. They're both laying on their sides, facing each other, Emily’s hand resting on JJ’s reddened cheek. Her blue eyes are so clear, Emily almost gets lost as she stares into their seemingly endless depths.

Nonetheless, the brunette chuckles at JJ’s words. “You’re adorable when you’re flustered.” Emily smiles brightly, moving closer to the younger woman.

She tucks a strand of blonde hair behind JJ’s ear, letting her hand linger on the ridiculously soft skin. “I… I don’t want you to regret this in the morning.” Emily whispers, as if it’s some sordid secret.

“I’d never regret this — us.” JJ replies a bit too quickly, but the words couldn't be more true.

“Still, just for my peace of mind.” Emily speaks so gently, the devotion in her gaze is downright disarming.

“Fine.” The blonde sighs, slightly exasperated. After a long moment of silence, she continues. “Emily, I want you to touch me.” JJ pauses momentarily, contemplating her next words. The blonde finds herself absentmindedly biting her bottom lip nervously. “I want you to make me come, make me yours, just… anything.” JJ whispers.

Emily practically lights up. “I thought you’d never ask.” The brunette smiles devilishly as she surges forward, fiercely connecting their lips. JJ inhales sharply, and the younger woman can’t help but kiss her back. 

They stay like that for what feels like a small eternity, just kissing each other and letting their hands roam eagerly. Emily feels as though no amount of JJ’s touch could ever be enough — she won’t ever get sick of this. Kissing JJ feels as if every bit of love in the world is rushing through her. It’s electrifying, calming, beautiful, all at once.

The brunette rolls over slightly, laying on her back in the center of the bed. JJ immediately understands. The blonde straddles Emily’s hips, promptly leaning down to kiss her once again. When JJ gets situated atop of the older woman’s hips, she can’t help but notice the hardening bulge in Emily’s boxers.

The brunette moves one of her hands into long blonde hair, grabbing a small fistful and tugging slightly. The blonde whimpers, kissing her harder, rolling her hips.

Emily knows exactly how to drive JJ crazy. She knows what the younger woman likes — what makes her moan, what makes her come. The brunette had made it her personal mission to learn JJ’s body, determined to commit every last bit of it to memory.

Emily moves her free hand to JJ’s hips, guiding the blonde’s hips as she begins grinding down against the brunette’s erection in search of friction. Emily pulls lightly on JJ’s hair to break their kiss. “What do you want, baby?” She asks, a teasing inflection painting her words.

“Just touch me, please.” JJ begs. The blonde’s voice is breathy and light, a sign that she’s been affected by Emily’s ministrations. 

The older woman nods, letting her hands travel to JJ’s breasts, cupping them over the fabric of the blonde’s shirt. “Fuck, I love these.” Emily mumbles under her breath. JJ must hear it, though, because her response comes hardly a second later.

“I know you do.” JJ laughs lightly. “Remember, though — they’re still sensitive ‘cause I just stopped breastfeeding.” She says, accidentally letting out a moan as Emily palms her breast. The brunette weighs it in her hand, seemingly mesmerized.

“I know, I’ll be gentle.” The older woman responds. “Can I take your shirt off?” Emily asks, looking up at the blonde expectantly. JJ nods quickly, letting the brunette pull the garment up over her head. 

Emily stares for a moment, before she seems to remember herself. The woman leans forward, eagerly taking a nipple into her mouth. She licks the sensitive bud, grazing it with her teeth just barely. “Fuck, Emily.” JJ whimpers slightly, causing Emily to pull back worriedly.

“Does it hurt?” The brunette asks, concern etched into her sharp features, her brown irises nearly eclipsed by her pupils. JJ feels a wave of arousal wash over her when she sees the unbridled lust in Emily’s eyes.

“No. Keep going, please.” The blonde pleads desperately. Emily obeys, leaning into JJ’s chest once again. The brunette is nearly overwhelmed by the desire to mark the younger woman. She wants to claim JJ as her own, but she knows that she isn’t allowed to. 

Eight months ago, way back when they’d first started this, they’d laid out, well, rules. Though their rules are broken occasionally — most commonly by the brunette — she thinks it best to obey them in this case. 

Rule #1: Everything we do must be completely consensual, nobody will do anything without the other’s explicit permission. If a line is crossed or someone no longer wants to be physical, we stop. Immediately.

It’s a rule that neither of them would ever dare violate. When JJ had initially suggested it, Emily had actually been a bit offended that the blonde would think she’d ever do such a thing. JJ had quickly explained that it was purely for her peace of mind, and that the request hadn’t been born out of any real concern.

Rule #2: No marks — on either of us. We work together, we’re constantly in workout clothes. Then there’s Will. Hickeys are just too hard to explain without people getting suspicious.

Emily has a much harder time with that rule than JJ does. For whatever reason, something inside the older woman is just inherently possessive, regardless of the fact that JJ isn’t actually hers. Not truly.

Emily had let herself go once in Denver, and JJ had given in, too. Throughout the rest of the case, both women had gotten a thrill out of knowing that if the blonde’s blouse shifted just slightly, the whole world would see the numerous red and purple bruises all across her chest.

Rule #3: If either of us want things to end, they do. Obviously, we would owe each other an explanation, but there shouldn’t be any coercion or pleading for the other to stay.

Emily knows she will undoubtedly break that rule, should the time come, and she desperately hopes it never will. Regardless of the brunette’s struggles regarding the secrecy of their arrangement, she will gladly take anything she can get. In Emily’s book, loving JJ in secret is far preferable to being unable to love her at all.

Rule #4: No feelings. This one is self-explanatory. If either of us gets attached, things will get messy — neither of us needs messy.

JJ and Emily have both been in direct violation of Rule #4 from the very start of this little arrangement, but they’ve steadfastly refused to admit it — to themselves and to each other. 

Their rules aren’t necessarily constricting, per se, but sometimes Emily wishes they had never put them in place to begin with. She wants to love JJ the way she deserves to be loved — loudly, not in secret under the cover of darkness. 

In this moment, however, their rules couldn’t be further from Emily’s mind. No, right now the brunette is only concerned with how she can get JJ to come. She’s still kissing the blonde’s chest, getting lost in how wonderfully soft the skin feels beneath her lips.

“Emily — Em, hold on.” JJ barely manages to get the words out. She’s panting, trying and failing to catch her breath. The way that the brunette touches her, with so much care and devotion, it renders JJ’s brain utterly useless.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asks, immediately concerned she’d made a mistake — crossed a boundary she hadn’t intended to traverse.

JJ smiles endearingly at Emily’s worry, cupping the older woman’s face in her hands. “Nothing, baby.” The blonde promises, placing a quick kiss to Emily’s lips. “You’re perfect, I just need a second.” She explains sincerely.

The older woman nods, though her ever-present insecurity manages to creep into her mind not long afterwards. “You know, if you don’t want to do this… it’s okay. We don’t have to.” Emily says, though there’s a faint solemnity to her words.

“No, I still want to.” JJ assures her immediately. Seeing the unsure look on Emily’s face, the blonde goes on. “I’m so fucking wet right now.” She says, a smug smirk appearing on her lips. The younger woman takes hold of Emily’s right hand, moving it between her thighs, where there’s a growing patch of wetness on the sheer fabric of her underwear. 

Emily hums in appreciation, mirroring JJ’s smirk. Uncertainty still plagues her, and she’s slightly afraid to voice her next words, but the brunette plows ahead regardless. She needs to know. “Does he do this to you? Does he make you so wet that you can’t help but drip through your panties?” Emily knows she’s playing dirty, but honestly, she doesn’t care.

“No. Never.” JJ responds breathily, eyes fluttering closed involuntarily. Emily cups her over her underwear, pressing her palm against JJ’s clit through the fabric. The blonde gasps despite herself, inadvertently encouraging Emily.

“Does he make you cum?” She asks, a teasing glint in her eyes. “Do you have to think about me when you’re with him to feel something?” The brunette’s voice is dripping with smugness — she knows what she’s doing. 

“Emily.” JJ warns, albeit halfheartedly. This line of questioning is getting out of hand, but both of them are enjoying it too damn much to stop themselves.

They do this every once in a while — toe the line, push and pull on each other’s restraint. The brunette is practically addicted seeing how far she can bend JJ before she breaks down and confesses her love.

Truthfully, JJ has told Emily she loves her on quite a few occasions now. Still, the declaration has only ever managed to slip out during sex. Usually, all Emily has to do is mention the woman’s boyfriend. It’s ironic, really, you’d think it would have the opposite effect. Regardless, the brunette doesn’t question it. 

“Hm? You want me to stop?” Emily asks rhetorically, finally responding to JJ’s earlier warning.

“No!” The blonde nearly yells, although she hadn’t meant to. She grabs Emily’s wrist, holding the older woman’s hand against her. “Keep going, please.” 

The brunette chuckles lightly at JJ’s displays of desperation. “I didn’t think so.” Emily smirks, slowly slipping her fingers past the waistband of the blonde’s underwear. She finds that JJ is fucking soaked. “You’re so wet for me.” She remarks appreciatively. “You’re always so needy, it’s adorable.” Emily leans into to crook of JJ’s neck, whispering her next words directly into the younger woman’s ear. “He doesn’t make you feel the way I do, does he?” 

JJ sighs in relief when Emily’s fingers finally make contact with her clit. She finds herself responding before she can think better of it. “No.” It’s true, and they both know it. That doesn’t change reality, though. The reality is that after this, JJ will go back to being Will’s, not Emily’s.

Regardless, the brunette continues her teasing. She can’t help herself. “Does his dick compare to mine?” JJ is suddenly reminded that she’s still straddling Emily. She rolls her hips to feel the woman’s erection, whimpering slightly when she feels it.

Emily chuckles. “Can he even last longer than a minute or two inside of you?” She sounds so sure of herself, but JJ can’t find the wherewithal to protest. At least, not when the older woman’s fingers are circling her clit.

JJ sighs out a breathy laugh. “No — he always comes too fast, I never get to finish.” She admits quietly. A moment later, the blonde lets her arms encircle Emily’s neck, and their foreheads fall to rest against each other’s as a result.

Emily hums in acknowledgment, a smirk still plastered upon her lips. “No wonder why you’re always so desperate, you’re not being taken care of.” She muses thoughtfully. 

The brunette lets her fingers foray lower, gathering wetness from JJ’s entrance and pulling it back up to the blonde’s clit. JJ’s eyes flutter closed, and Emily smiles before speaking again. “Don’t worry, baby.” She whispers into the younger woman’s ear. “You know how much I love making you come until you cry.” 

JJ moans outright when she hears Emily’s words, knowing that they are undoubtedly true. After every night they’ve spent together, JJ has had to make a conscious effort to walk normally the next day. One morning, Garcia had commented on her wobbly legs, as well as the restless squirming in her seat. Luckily, JJ had been able to play it off. Well, mostly.

“Inside.” JJ demands. The brunette shoots her a disapproving look, and the younger woman quickly amends her statement. “Please, Emily.” She pleads. It’s been a while since their last rendezvous — two and a half weeks, to be exact. Which is far too long, if you ask them. 

Regardless, Emily slips a single finger into JJ’s entrance, curling it upwards slowly. The blonde whimpers against her better judgment, subconsciously grinding her hips down onto the brunette’s erection. “More, please.” 

Emily chuckles, but obliges nonetheless. A second finger finds its rhythm within the blonde, seamlessly joining the first. She doesn’t stop there, though. Moments later, the brunette finds herself with three fingers inside of JJ, and a thumb on her clit. “Do you wanna cum, baby?”

“Yes!” JJ nearly screams. She lets her head fall forward, burying her face in the black hair at Emily's neck. She breathes in the older woman’s scent — sandalwood, cigarettes, gunpowder, and whiskey. The blonde fucking loves it.

“Ask nicely, pretty girl.” Emily teases, crooking her fingers up perfectly in time with the blonde’s grinding.

“Fuck, I — ” JJ accidentally cuts herself off with a moan, her mind clouded by lust. “Emily, please let me come.” She rushes through the words, panting quickly. “I’ve been so good for you.” The blonde can barely get her begging out between her rushed breaths. “Please, Emily. I — I wanna come, let me come for you.” 

Emily smiles, a hint of pride lingering behind her eyes. “How can I say no to you? You’re so pretty when you beg.” Emily quickens her pace as she speaks. She bites softly at the skin between JJ’s neck and shoulder, before whispering her next words directly into the younger woman’s ear. “Go ahead, my love — come for me.” 

JJ allows herself to let go almost instantaneously. Her blue eyes screw shut as her mouth falls open, her orgasm crashing over her. She lets out little gasps and mewls, legs shaking around Emily’s hips. The brunette doesn’t relent — she just kept thrusting into the blonde with renewed force as JJ attempts to come down from her high.

“Emily, what are you — fuck.” JJ feels the brunette’s thumb rub her clit once more. The blonde’s voice is a few octaves lower than usual, gravely and hoarse as a result of all her heavy breathing.

“Shhh, give me one more, baby.” Emily goads softly. She feels JJ’s arms tightening around her neck, holding on for dear life. “Come on, princess. You’ve got at least one or two more in you.” The brunette smiles, knowing that JJ absolutely loves it when she talks to her like this.

“I can’t.” JJ replies, entirely too sensitive. Every sensation is ten times stronger after her first orgasm, especially the feeling of Emily’s breath against her flushed cheek.

“If you want me to stop, just say so… but if you wanna be a good girl and come for me again, then do that.” Emily grins as she feels JJ nod enthusiastically, face still hidden away by the older woman’s neck and shoulder.

Emily redoubles her efforts, and moments later the blonde finds herself falling headfirst into another orgasm. JJ’s legs begin to shake all over again, and it feels as if she’s underwater. The blonde can barely make out the words, but she hears Emily coaxing her through it, gently reminding her to breathe. 

When JJ miraculously regains her ability to see again, she pulls back from her hiding spot to meet the brunette’s gaze. Both women smile brightly, some indefinite, undefinable feeling surging between them before their lips lock together. Regardless of whatever may become true when they leave this room, in this moment, they belong to nobody but each other. Right now, to Emily, that’s enough.

They pull away simultaneously, with elated grins on their faces. “You’re ridiculously good at that, it’s not fair.” JJ says, blushing slightly. Little beads of sweat make their way down her chest and forehead, but she can’t quite bring herself to care.

“Sorry?” Emily asks, clearly amused. “Actually, no. I’m not sorry. You’re so pretty when you come. Your legs start shaking and your face gets all red.” The brunette explains, brushing a couple strands of hair behind JJ’s shoulder as the blonde blushes. “You’re so beautiful.” Emily remarks.

“So are you.” JJ says, without even thinking. The unforeseen sentimentality catches her off guard, and the younger woman seeks to heat things back up. Vulnerability is not her strong suit, nor is it Emily’s. The brunette doesn’t seem to be bothered, though. Regardless, JJ grinds her hips down playfully, only to be met with the older woman’s still throbbing erection. 

The brunette, who hisses slightly at JJ’s actions, laughs a bit. “Sorry, that’s just a byproduct of getting you off. It makes me crazy.” Emily says, smiling a bit bashfully.

“No need to apologize.” JJ smirks. She rolls her hips down once more, this time with a bit more purpose. A flash of satisfaction, of victory, flashes in her eyes when Emily moans. 

“Fuck. JJ, if you don’t stop that — I swear I’m gonna flip you over and fuck you right now.” Emily’s jaw clenches tightly as the blonde continues her grinding. The brunette’s grip on her restraint is lessening with each passing second, and she’s getting desperate. 

“Yes, please.” Says JJ smugly, eagerly awaiting Emily’s reaction. The brunette flashes a wolfish grin, the pure lust of pupils eclipsing her brown irises.

The older woman smirks, quickly turning them over so that JJ was on her back, Emily suddenly on top of her. A second later, the woman stands, removing her tank and boxers. The blonde can barely tear her eyes away from the brunette’s dick as it springs free, let alone attempt to listen to what Emily is saying.

“What?” JJ asks, oblivious. After all, it’s been almost three weeks since they’ve had the chance to do this, sue her for being excited.

“I said, take off your underwear.” Emily says, a small chuckle making its way past her lips. She climbs back into bed once the blonde rids herself of the last article of clothing separating them. Emily places a hand on either side of JJ’s head, looking down into her eyes. “Is this okay?” She asks, checking in.

The blonde appreciates the concern, but really, she’s getting impatient. “Yes. Fuck me, please.” JJ says, moving her hands above her head to rest on the pillow, her entire figure now splayed out on the bed for Emily to see. 

Just as the brunette is about to push inside of the younger woman, she bolts upright, startling JJ. “Fuck, I forgot a condom.” Emily begins to look for one, rushing to the desk to rifle through her go-bag.

“It's okay.” JJ says from her spot on the bed. Emily doesn’t acknowledge her right away, prompting the blonde to speak a little louder. “Emily, it’s fine.” The older woman finally turns, a puzzled expression on her features. They’ve never had sex without a condom before, they've never even discussed it. “I mean, you know I’m on the pill, and…” She trails off, nervousness cresting in a wave within her. “Please, I wanna feel you — for real.”

The brunette walks slowly back towards the bed, precariously looking down at JJ. “Okay.” Emily pauses momentarily, uncertainty plaguing her. “Are you sure?” She asks, letting the blonde take her hand in hers.

“Yes.” She responds almost immediately. JJ's gaze softens, her next words barely above a whisper. “I don’t want anything between us — not anymore.” She says, smiling faintly. Emily returns the expression without hesitation.

“Okay.” Emily replies slowly, and a moment later, the brunette finds herself atop of the blonde once more. Truthfully, she’s nervous. The inherent intimacy that comes with being this close, with absolutely nothing between them — it’s terrifying. Still, Emily wants this, more than anything. “If it’s too much, just tell me, okay?” 

JJ nods in understanding. Truthfully, sometimes it takes a moment to adjust to having Emily inside of her. The brunette is, well, big. Not to mention the fact that they hadn’t done this in a few weeks. The brunette has her left hand planted by the blonde’s head, while she carefully lines herself up with her right. Emily pushes in slowly, not quite bottoming out but getting pretty close.

“Oh, fuck.” JJ moans, gripping the pillow beneath her head with both hands. Her eyes fluttered shut, trying to adjust to the sensation of being completely filled.

“Is it too much?” Emily asks, concerned by the blonde’s reaction. “Are you okay?” She speaks softly, gently attempting to gauge if JJ is really alright.

“Yeah… yeah. It’s just — you’re so much bigger than —” JJ cut herself off when she realizes what she had been about to say. She downright refuses to mention him while Emily is inside of her. “Than I’m used to.” She finishes, biting her bottom lip. 

Their eyes lock onto each other’s, and the brunette’s gaze catalogues every hint of movement from JJ. She’s trying to make absolutely sure that the blonde is comfortable. “I’m okay, I promise.” JJ smiles softly, appreciative of Emily’s attentiveness. “Keep going, please.” 

With the blonde’s permission, Emily continues precariously, slowly pushing herself all the way inside. JJ lets out a strangled whimper, tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. “Is this alright?” Emily asks with worry flashing in her irises, holding completely still inside of the younger woman. 

“Yes, it feels so good, just — move, please.” JJ begs. Her face is flushed bright red, the color spreading down her chest, too. 

She tries to keep quiet, all too aware that they’re in a hotel room, but she just can’t hold back the moans. Especially not when Emily pulls almost all the way out, then pushes back in, faster than before. JJ’s resolve breaks. 

“Fuck!” She cries out, her hands flying to hold onto the brunette’s shoulders as Emily sets a brutal pace. “It feels so good. You’re so good —” JJ has suddenly been reduced to a writhing mess atop the sheets in a matter of minutes.

Emily is determined to make this good for the blonde, as she always is. The brunette knows how much JJ loves receiving praise, and she loves to give it to her. “You feel amazing wrapped around me, baby. I could fuck you forever.” She whispers, watching as the younger woman’s head falls further back into the pristine white pillow.

Encouraged by JJ’s reaction, Emily continues. “You’re doing so good — laying there and taking it like a good girl for me.” The brunette’s words make JJ moan. Although truthfully, the blonde can barely make sense of anything Emily is saying in her current state.

“Em — I’m gonna — please, can I come?” She begs desperately, earning a grin from the older woman. JJ always asks for permission, and Emily fucking loves it.

“Not yet, sweetheart. I wanna come with you.” The brunette says, an air of adoration lining her tone. Emily takes JJ’s hands in hers, effectively pinning the blonde to the mattress, holding her wrists above her head. The younger woman likes it a little rough, and Emily knows that — probably better than anybody else.

“You’re so beautiful. You’re my perfect girl. Every time I see you, I can’t help but smile.” Emily whispers, devotion and adoration dripping from her lips as she speaks. 

“You’re so amazing, you’re my everything.” She goes on, speeding up her thrusts slightly. Somehow, even through the blonde’s haze of utterly debilitating pleasure, Emily’s words still manage to reach her ears, just barely. JJ preens under the adoration.

“I’d kill anyone who hurt you. I’d rip them apart if they dared to touch you. You’re mine, aren’t you?” Emily leans down, whispering her next words right into the younger woman’s ear. “You’re mine.” The brunette drives her reverence into JJ with her hard thrusts.

In her daze, the words slip out of JJ’s mouth without her permission. “Yes! Emily, I’m yours, fuck —” One of the brunette’s hands snakes down to circle JJ’s clit, applying the perfect amount of pressure. 

JJ fucking loses it. “Fuck — I love you, Emily. You make me feel so good, so special, so loved.” The words rush past the blonde’s lips without hesitation. The older woman tells herself that JJ doesn’t mean it, that it’s just the arousal speaking for her. Emily wants to believe that JJ is telling the truth more than anything, but alas, she’s fallen for it before. Not again.

Emily pushes every single thought out of her head. She speeds up her pace on JJ’s clit, leaning down to whisper in her ear. “Come for me, baby. Let me come with you.” 

With Emily’s words, JJ is gone. Her head falls back, her mouth opens in a silent scream, and her legs shake around the brunette’s hips. Emily follows her a moment later, emptying herself inside of the blonde for the very first time. 

It feels incredible. It’s too much too completely, and yet perfect nonetheless. For JJ, it’s as if she enters heaven at that moment, feeling everything and nothing at the same time. A small piece of her wishes that this could be her whole life, with Emily by her side — or on top of her, or behind her. JJ isn’t picky. Regardless, the blonde doesn’t care about the repercussions anymore, she wants this.

It takes a bit for the brunette to come back to herself, though she eventually rolls off of JJ and onto her back. The younger woman quickly cuddles up to her side, Emily’s arms encircling her effortlessly. They’ve done this countless times over the last eight months, and for some reason, the older woman can’t help but feel as if this will be the last time she ever has JJ in her arms.

The pair is quiet for a long time. Whether it’s five minutes or thirty, Emily isn’t sure. JJ finally breaks the silence, inadvertently putting an end to the comfortable peace that had settled over them.

“I meant it, Em.” The blonde says, her head still tucked between Emily’s shoulder and chest. Thankfully, the position makes it so that their eyes can't meet. JJ doesn’t think she can look at those beautiful brown eyes right now.

“What?” The brunette asks incredulously, completely oblivious as to what JJ is referring to. She shifts slightly, moving higher on the bed to sit up. The blonde goes with her, still refusing to meet Emily’s gaze.

“I mean it — I love you.” JJ whispers into the silence.

Emily wants to smile, she wants to cry. The brunette wants to run away from the overwhelming myriad of feelings that reside within her chest. She wants to buy an exuberantly expensive ring and slip it into the blonde’s finger for the rest of forever. She wants — and that’s the damn problem.

The older woman sighs. “I love you, too. I always have, and I always will.” She says, running her fingers through soft, golden strands, feeling them separate in her wake. Emily allows herself the small glimpse of domesticity, because there’s a sinking feeling in her chest that this is the last chance she will have to do so.

“I know. That's the problem.” JJ says, prompting a confused look on Emily’s face. The blonde doesn’t see the expression, and just continues talking. “I can’t keep this a secret any longer, it’s not fair. I want to be honest, to live my life truthfully.” The blonde hesitates momentarily, nerves threatening to overwhelm her. JJ finds the strength to go on anyway. “I can't keep doing this — to you, to him, to myself. It’s tearing me apart, Emily.” JJ still isn’t looking at her. Instead, the blonde’s gaze is fixed on the blank screen of the untouched TV.

The brunette prepares herself. She knew this was coming — the inevitable, unavoidable end of their time spent playing pretend. Realistically, eight months is far longer than she had allowed herself to imagine this lasting at the beginning. Still, Emily knows what comes next. 

The end.

“It’s just not fair. I love you more than my heart can hold. It's all I think about — how to fix this situation I’ve found myself in. I love you, I do — but I love him, too.” JJ pauses. Emily has spent the better part of a year dreading this conversation, and now it’s here. 

The brunette wishes JJ wouldn’t continue, but she does. “I love him in a different way, though. He gave me Henry, he gave me my son, Emily. I have a responsibility to do what's best for him, just as much as I do for myself. That’s why it’s taken me so long to make this decision.” JJ explains in a solemn tone.

Here it comes, she’s ending it. Emily is suddenly reminded of Rule #3. If either of us want things to end, they do, there shouldn’t be any coercion or begging of the other to stay. Emily does want to beg, though. She wants to plead on her knees, to convince JJ that it’ll be okay, that they can continue on like this without an issue. Regardless of her desires, she knows that isn’t true. 

As hard as it has been for Emily, she knows it has been ten times worse for JJ. After all, when the brunette goes home after their nights together, she’s greeted by an empty apartment and a hungry cat. JJ, however, arrives to find her boyfriend, the father of her child, and her one-year-old son. It must be torture, and yet, JJ had kept coming back.

“JJ, please, don’t say it.” Emily closes her eyes, attempting to block out every instinct that tells her to run as fast as she can. “I can’t listen to you say it.” She whispers, just as a single tear paves a straight path down her cheek.

Emily feels a hand place itself on her face, JJ’s thumb wiping away the lone droplet of the older woman’s sadness. It just about breaks her, and more tears begin to fall without the brunette’s permission. “Emily, open your eyes.” JJ begs to no avail. “Look at me, baby.” 

Reluctantly, brown eyes meet blue. When Emily sees all of the unrest, all of the turmoil that rages inside of those ocean blue irises — the brunette begins producing an ocean of her own. It’s just as salty as the sea, but made up of far more sorrow.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Emily sobs, wave after wave of emotion cresting within her. There’s guilt, guilt over how she’s put JJ through this for nearly a year. There’s fear, too. There’s fear because what the hell are they supposed to do now? Go back to being coworkers as if they haven’t held each other through countless nights, bared their souls in the darkest hours of night? Most of all, she’s angry. She’s fucking pissed, because how did the brunette let this go on for this long?

“I did this. I put you through this, I never should’ve let this happen.” Emily’s words are rushing out without thought. JJ has receded so far into the brunette’s peripheral that she doesn’t even register that the younger woman is attempting to comfort her. 

“How did I let this happen? How did I let it get this far, go on this long? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The older woman buries her face in her hands as she speaks, futilely attempting to block everything out. It’s just too much.

“Emily, stop!” JJ silences her abruptly, gently letting her thumbs wipe away the older woman’s tears. Their eyes meet once more, and the words that Emily hears next have to be a dream. “I’m leaving him. It’s over, Emily.” 

“Wh — What?” The brunette’s voice doesn’t sound like her own, it’s too tear stricken and broken down. Still, Emily’s tone is bewildered, shocked into disbelief.

JJ sighs, her eyes never leaving the older woman’s as she begins to explain. “I’ve been trying to figure this out for months. How to make sure everyone is happy — my family, you, and myself, without giving anything up.” The blonde says slowly. Emily nods absentmindedly, prompting her to continue.

“Then I finally realized.” JJ pauses, smiling brightly. The sight of the younger woman’s beauty feels like a punch in the gut for the brunette. “It’s you, Emily — you’re my family. You make me feel like… I don’t even know how to explain it.” Hope floods Emily’s eyes, and JJ’s smile only grows.

“All I want is you and Henry — my heart is split in half between you two.” The blonde laughs, just slightly. “I finally realized that I just can’t fit Will in my heart, you and Henry are it for me.” JJ rests her forehead against Emily’s, and she realizes that the brunette is smiling now, too. “You and my son… you’re all I need.”