Chapter Text
"He's got this karaoke bar trivia thing on Wednesday," Eddie says before suddenly turning his head to look at Buck again. "Hey, what are you doing Wednesday?"
Buck feels something swell in his chest. "Me?" he says, trying to not sound as breathless as he feels. If he had a tail, he'd be wagging it furiously. "Uh, yeah, no, I'm- I'm free. Uh, totally free! Wednesday is a clean slate."
"Great. You think you could watch Christopher for me? I'd ask Pepa but she's already done it twice this week for me, so …"
Buck thinks a sledgehammer would probably have hurt less.
-/-
He's desperately trying not to lose his entire mind about it all but he is genuinely beginning to feel like the world has started spinning off axis. Fights in Vegas. Muay Thai. Cars. Basketball. He thought Eddie hadn't minded that he wasn't particularly interested in those things but now Buck is looking back at all the time they've spent together with a growing sense of nausea. They always did things that Buck liked. He'd come over and cook and they'd watch something on Eddie's couch. Take Chris to the zoo or the aquarium. Did Eddie even like all his stupid facts about the animals? Surely that at least meant he'd be good at karaoke trivia. Maybe he can't sing as well as Eddie can but he has a lot of fun facts. And Eddie hadn't even considered asking him to come.
There was that time Eddie had taken him to poker. That wasn't something Buck was usually interested in. And he never asked me back, he realises suddenly. With even more growing panic now, Buck furiously types Chevelle into Google and settles into his chair to start reading. He can do this. He's pretended to like a lot stupider things for people who were nowhere near as important as Eddie is.
He lasts fifteen seconds reading about cars before he's halfway out the door, purely driven by an overwhelming fear. Eddie's going to replace him with Tommy. Buck can't even blame him. He's certainly a lot cooler than Buck is and he takes Eddie to Vegas on a fucking helicopter. How am I meant to compete with that, he thinks despairingly. It's not like being able to cook kinda well can even begin to compete with someone who knows what it was like in the army, who can actually challenge Eddie in the ring, who's actually calm and collected like Eddie is and not a chaotic mess like Buck is. Oh god, what if my cooking isn't even good?
He blinks and finds himself in Maddie's kitchen who's looking at him bemusedly.
"Circled, Maddie!" he protests. "Both of them are. Cars on Tuesday and basketball on Thursday. Eddie keeps asking me to go but-"
"You don't like basketball," Maddie says.
"Which is why I say no, but now- now he's going with Tommy, and he's got it circled. Circled!"
"Is it circled with a heart around it?" Maddie asks, slightly mockingly.
Buck flinches like he's been slapped. Circled with a heart. His mind has slammed on the accelerator before he can even take a breath. Tommy spending more and more time with Eddie, who now has no time left for Buck. An Eddie who's now happy that someone is doing things that he likes with him. Not like boring stupid Buck. Chris, quickly forgetting all about him. Why would he even bother to remember Buck who has the 'wrong' opinions about Star Wars movies? Oh god, does Chris even think he's cool? Has he ever? What if Tommy moves back to the 118? Or worse, what if Eddie transfers to Tommy's station? What if it becomes circled with a heart? Of course Tommy would fall in love with Eddie. It's Eddie. Random people on the street fall in love with Eddie. Buck's going to throw up.
"We have to get rid of him, Maddie," he says abruptly.
"What?" Maddie is blinking furiously at him. "I- … what?"
"He's- he's gotta go," Buck says, locking his knees to keep him upright as he prepares an argument.
"Evan," Maddie says softly, her big brown eyes crumpled in concern.
"He was racist to Chim when Chim first started at the 118," Buck blurts out before Maddie can say anything else.
"What?!"
"He was," Buck nods furiously. "He made a- a joke about someone ordering Chinese when Chim walked in the first time. And I know he made other jokes too. And- and- and he wasn't nice to Hen either when she first started. He'd join in when their old captain would be horrible to Hen and Chim. I swear, Maddie, he's gotta go. He's not right for Eddie or Chris. Who flies someone they've just met to Vegas in a helicopter? That's not normal."
Maddie's look of indignation is replaced with confusion. "He flew Eddie to Las Vegas?"
"Weird, right? Who does that?"
"Evan, I-"
"I just wanna do some scoping," Buck interrupts, putting on his best begging face. "Please, Maddie? Please. What if- what if he's actually a horrible person? What if he's bad for Eddie? Like is it just a coincidence that he likes all the same things that Eddie does? Like all the same things. That's weird, right? Oh my god, what if he's stalking Eddie? Please. I need your help."
Maddie lets out a loud sigh. "So because he might be stalking Eddie, we're going to stalk him instead?"
Buck can't help the smile that erupts. "You're the best."
"God help me," Maddie sighs.
-/-
"So, Eddie has a 1965 Chevrolet Chevelle SS car, which-"
"Is this relevant to the crime we're about to commit?" Maddie interrupts.
"It's not- well, it's not really a crime," Buck protests. "It's caring about a friend. Is that a crime?"
"Oh my god."
"But … well, no, I guess it's not relevant," Buck says. "But I don’t wanna look stupid! Eddie looked so surprised when I asked if I could come. He even told me that I didn’t have to, that he knew I didn’t like cars. Can you believe that? I like cars. I have one!"
"I have a washing machine. Doesn't mean I love washing machines."
"Well, now I know everything there is to know about this car. And a lot more about basketball too. I even bought a basketball and told Eddie we should get a hoop. I could- I could install one at his place. It'd be good for Chris, you know. Physical therapy is good for him. But Eddie wasn't even listening. He was on the phone. God, he was- he was laughing so much, Mads. I don't think I've ever made him laugh that much. What do you- what do you think Tommy was saying to make him laugh that much? Do you think I'm funny?"
Maddie is staring at him like he's turned purple. "Do you even know it was Tommy he was talking to?"
"I looked at his call log later," Buck admits, hanging his head.
"Oh my-"
"It's not a crime," Buck says. "I know his passcode."
"I suppose Howie will bring Jee along when he visits me in prison," Maddie muses.
"Chim's taking me to basketball on Thursday," Buck says happily. "I didn't wanna make Eddie too suspicious if I asked him about basketball too. Oh my god, have you told Chim about what we're doing?"
"Well, I thought about it but spousal testimonial privilege only kicks in once we're actually married, so figured I'd better not risk it." Maddie frowns at him. "Howie's taking you to basketball? You hate basketball."
"It's better than Muay Thai," Buck admits. "What's enjoyable about getting absolutely whaled on by another man? It's so dangerous. At least I shouldn't get a head injury playing basketball. Although they do call the ball a rock. Do you- do you think that's because it's like getting hit with a rock? I didn't think about that. Maybe I should have tried to get an invitation to karaoke trivia instead."
"That does play more to your skills," Maddie said.
"Right?!" Buck exclaims. "Eddie asked me if I was free on Wednesday and I thought he was inviting me but he just- just wanted me to watch Chris. Why- why wouldn't he invite me, Maddie? Why doesn't he want me to hang out with him and Tommy?"
Buck stupidly feels like he's about to start crying.
"Oh, Evan," Maddie says softly.
"What if he doesn’t like me anymore?"
"That is not true and will never be true," Maddie says firmly. "I know it, okay."
"But I've been a bad friend. I never even put any effort into liking cars or basketball or stuff like that."
"Friendship or …," Maddie blinks furiously, "whatever word you might use here … doesn't mean you have to like all the same things, Evan. You're still your own person and that's a good thing. Life would be boring if we were all the same. I don't think you've been a bad friend." She reaches her pinky finger across to him. "Now let's find some proof that this guy sucks so that I never have to hear about cars or basketball ever again."
-/-
Buck hopes Maddie has found evidence of war crimes being committed or something because not even the presence of Eddie is making this car interesting. The situation is not helped by the fact that Tommy and Eddie keep talking about Muay Thai. I knew I shouldn't have watched that documentary on grass, Buck thinks resignedly. You had the time to learn about Muay Thai but instead you learnt about grass.
"-Buck?"
He blinks nervously at the sound of his name. Fuck, no wonder Eddie doesn’t want to hang out with him if he can't even pay attention. He opens his mouth but unfortunately "Grass only evolved during the late Cretaceous period" is what falls out of it. Maybe the car will fall on him and do what a firetruck failed to do and put him out of his misery.
"Buck always has the best facts," Eddie says, smiling over at Tommy.
"But not the best attention span?" Tommy laughs. "I was asking if you could pass us the torque wrench but it's alright. Eddie's on the ball." He winks at Eddie and Buck starts praying for the car to fall on both of them. "So you're into dinosaurs?"
At least he's spared the humiliation of having to admit he has no fucking clue what a torque wrench is. "They found evidence of grass in coprolites," he says, "so grass has actually only been around for around 66 million years. Which given the extinction event that happened 65 million years ago … well that- that means that for most of the dinosaurs time period, there wasn't any grass."
"In copr- what?"
"Oh, umm … coprolites," Buck says, hating the blush he can feel staining his cheeks. "They're … well, they're fossilised- fossilised faecal matter."
"Dinosaur shit?" Tommy asks with a laugh.
Maybe Eddie should just send him back to the pound, Buck thinks morosely. Maybe with some extra training he could actually become house trained and be someone Eddie would want to introduce to his friends. His phone ringing shocks him out of his imagined cage at the pound.
"I'll just-" he says only to realise they're not paying attention, Tommy now excitedly showing some piece of metal to Eddie. He bravely resists the urge to hurl his phone at Tommy's fat head.
"Hey," he says tiredly as he walks out of the garage.
"Well, I can tell you he's the most boring man in existence," Maddie says. "Next time you make me break in somewhere, they better be an interesting person."
"Boring doesn't help me, Maddie!" Buck says exasperatedly. "I've just suffered through hearing about cars. I already know he's boring."
"I thought you knew everything there was to know about this car," Maddie says.
"I forgot about tools. I can help build a house but I don't know what a fucking torque wrench looks like."
"He's boring, Evan. There's no way this guy could hold a candle to you. His kitchen is protein powder and chicken. He has a few books on helicopters and piloting and that's it. There are no pictures on his walls, no photographs anywhere. It's depressing, honestly. And …"
"What?"
"This feels like an invasion of his privacy," Maddie says, "which I'm aware is very hypocritical of me." She sighs loudly. "There was … well, he doesn't have a passcode on his phone. That's crazy in this day and age. But … well, he watches gay porn."
"Guys do that sometimes," Buck says slowly, more caught up on him not having a passcode. Boring and stupid. What does Eddie even see in this guy?
"Mmm, I don't know that they do," Maddie says, her voice now slightly high-pitched. "I don't think straight men do go around watching gay porn, you know? Do you know that? It's important to me that you know that."
"Oh my god, he's in love with Eddie."
"Men who watch gay por-" Maddie stops herself. "Come again?"
"He watches gay porn," Buck says like it's obvious. "He must be in love with Eddie. Oh my god, it is going to become circled in a heart! He's going to replace me!"
"Ok, it seems like we've gone wildly off a cliff here," Maddie says.
"I'm gonna- I'm gonna end up back- back at the pound," Buck manages to stutter out. "And I'm an old dog now. I'm not a cute puppy anymore, Maddie. And I'm not even a good dog. Oh my god, they're going to put me down, aren't they?"
How could he let this happen? He's abruptly so furious with himself for being so complacent. How utterly stupid of him to just assume his place in Eddie's life was a sure thing. He doesn't deserve it, he hasn't been putting any work in at all. He should know what a torque wrench is. If he knew that then Eddie wouldn't want to get rid of him. It feels like something is fracturing in his chest at the thought of Eddie replacing him with Tommy. He just can't let it happen. Not on any planet. Not even if Maddie had found proof of him being the next Catholic saint and definitely not given he's just some boring loser who's obsessed with Eddie.
"Thursday basketball," he says suddenly.
"Have you seen Dr Copeland recently?" Maddie asks.
"I've gotta be really good at basketball," Buck ploughs on. "I've gotta prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks then Eddie won't get rid of me."