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Shin’s eyes tremble behind his eyelids. Saint has been staring at him for the longest time, registering every imperceptible motion of his body, breath by breath, heartbeat by heartbeat. He has memorised by now the shape of each bruise, the contour of each cut. His face holds no more secrets. So do his hands, he can tell by heart where each scrape and scratch is. The delicate beauty of Shin’s eyes, even when shut, devastates Saint. Nothing this beautiful should ever be tarnished.
He looks so fragile on this hospital bed. Are his bones hollow like the ones of a bird? Saint has never perceived him as weak before. He has always wanted to protect him from all harm because he has always been the stronger and the braver between the two of them. But he never thought that real harm would come his way, hence he never knew, not before now, how perishable he actually is. How transient. Yesterday there could have been no more Shin. In the blink of an eye, he could have been gone forever. And for a moment, a few hour-long moment, Saint had held his breath hoping that Shin would not leave him for good.
Saint gets up from the hospital chair. There is not enough air in this room, he feels dizzy. But how can he leave Shin? What if he vanishes? What if Saint is the only thing that tethers him to this earth so they always have to be in close proximity?
Shaking his head to get rid of his catastrophic thoughts, Saint moves to the window. He is too tired to feel anything, but too overwrought to rest. He feels like he has died and has been brought back to life in the span of a few hours. The blood he washed from his hands not so long ago might as well have been his, the knife might as well have gone through his flesh. It makes no difference that it was Shin who had been stabbed, they had both been on that operating table because Saint had been on the verge of dying too.
He could not have known that Shin’s life was never really in danger. In those few hours, for Saint, the world was ending. Now that they are both in this room and Shin is breathing, weak, pale and bruised, but alive, only now he can be sure that the doomsday has been postponed.
“Saint.”
For a moment, Saint is too engrossed in his thoughts and memories of the worst hours of his life to realise that Shin has woken up and is calling him.
He rushes to his bed and jumps on him, forgetting for a moment that he had been seriously hurt. He wants to hold Shin to make sure he is real and whole.
Shin moans and complains. Then he has the audacity to laugh at his overprotectiveness. Saint can’t shake this feeling that Shin could break at any given moment. He looks alright though, as he claims to be. His brows are furrowed as he scolds Saint. Nothing has changed, not even this monumental shift in their relationship – Shin getting stabbed to protect him – has changed his aloof attitude. But there is a tenderness in his eyes as they look at Saint. Saint’s heart might swell and burst. He wishes he could kiss them closed because he can barely sustain them.
“I am glad though,” says Shin, his eyes as soft as they have ever been. “I got to see you when I woke up. It’s what I wanted all my life.”
Relief and guilt wash over Saint. The words he wishes to say get tangled and trapped in his throat. He wants to thank Shin and beg for his forgiveness at the same time. He wants to tell him that he owes him his life in more ways he could ever be able to explain.
Shin can read his mind and Saint can read his eyes. Don’t worry, we are even now, they say. But will they ever be?
Shin lifts his hand for Saint to grab. Saint holds it as he sits down on the chair he has spent the last few hours rotting away.
His grip is as adamant as his next words. “From now on, no matter what happens, I’ll never leave you again. I promise.”
What he doesn’t say is You own me, how could I stray from you?
Shin smiles and nods as he makes the same binding oath, looking at him with those sweet eyes that hold Saint’s entire world. The moment he saw Shin falling to the ground the night before, he knew at once that they must have been cursed. Perhaps it was him with his bad deeds, who had brought this calamity upon them. Shin’s punishment was going to be death, but his was going to be far worse: to be left without him.
The dam inside Saint’s heart breaks and bursts at the memory. He realises he is crying because Shin attempts to make fun of him for it, but as soon as he starts to full-on sob the other abruptly stops. He had not cried once since Shin got stabbed.
He presses Shin’s hand to his forehead. Its warmth is proof enough that Shin is alive and well. But Saint is still unreasonably so, so scared.
“What’s wrong?” whispers Shin.
A laugh escapes Saint’s lips. “What’s wrong?” he asks in disbelief. “You could have died, because of me! You were hurt, again, because of me.”
“Saint…” starts Shin. “Please, don’t. Let’s not…I don’t want to think about the past. Please. I am here, we are both safe, nothing else matters.”
Dread overcomes Saint as the night before. “Do you know that…do you know…” he stutters.
Shin squeezes his hand. Saint presses Shin’s even harder against his forehead.
“I can’t see you like this…” murmurs the bedridden boy.
Saint snaps. “Don’t look at me, then.”
“Don’t be stupid, that’s not what I meant.”
Saint takes a deep breath in, his lips tremble. “Do you know that yesterday I was terrified of losing you for real and…and the only thing I could think about was that…I wouldn’t want to go on without you.”
Shin’s sudden intake of breath makes him snap his head up. Shin’s eyes are open wide and he looks extremely pained. Saint knows it’s not the stab wound that is hurting him. He is hurting him. Will they ever stop breaking each other?
“Stop talking like that”, Shin commands, his mouth a straight line.
Saint sniffs. “Like what?” he asks, almost challengingly, wiping the wetness from his face with his free hand.
“Like your life has no purpose…”
Without me, he fails to add.
“You know that, without you, it doesn-”
“Stop it, I hate it!”
Shin’s grip on Saint’s hand gets looser.
Saint doesn’t want him to slip away so he tightens it. This is not a conversation that Shin can run away from. “That sounds a bit hypocritical, mh? You jumped in front of a knife to protect me, without thinking.”
“Of course, I was thinking,” rebuts Shin stubbornly. “I was thinking about saving your life.”
A wet laugh escapes Saint’s mouth. “So you can die for me, but I can’t die for you?”
Shin grimaces. “This whole conversation is making me nauseous.”
“Maybe it’s the medications.”
“Or maybe you are fucking stupid.”
“Ohi!”
Shin looks at him with gravity. Saint is quite sure he can see his soul. He wonders what he would make of that.
“You know that it’s different. I was just trying to protect you, but….fuck, Saint, you can’t say shit like that.”
There’s a part of Saint that feels ashamed for this. For this burden he had just unloaded on Shin. But there is another part of him that wants Shin to know how much he really means to him. And there is also a small, tiny part, the most selfish and despicable perhaps, that would want for Shin to tell him that his life, too, would lose all meaning without him.
“I am sorry if it’s hard for you to digest the fact that I can’t – no, I don’t want to - live in a world where there is no you in it. It was barely bearable to be without you back when we weren’t talking and you hated me, but at least I had hope. Hope for us to get back together, and hope that you would forgive me someday. But…yesterday, I swear that seeing you lying there unconscious turned my world upside down and…there was not a single thing left for me in that world, Shin. I…am sorry.”
He started crying again. Amazing how his tears can well up and flow without him noticing.
Shin looks distraught. He opens and closes his mouth and in the end he just stares at Saint. For once, Saint is not able to read him.
“I am sorry you had to go through all of that,” he says at last.
Saint raises an eyebrow. “Is that sarcasm?”
Shin scoffs. “Why would I be sarcastic in a moment like this?”
“I don’t know, you always become sarcastic when shit gets real.”
Shin sighs. “Saint, I was afraid too,” he says after a pause.
Saint wipes off his tears. He absentmindedly presses Shin’s hand against his mouth. His soft lips rest on Shin’s bruised skin.
“Of…dying?”
Shin shakes his head. “Of leaving you. I knew you would react…like that. I swear that while I was going in and out of consciousness all I could think about was…you.”
Saint’s heart couldn’t be more full. Of love, and pain, and longing. Guilt. Shin took a blow for him and yet he was worried about him.
“I kept thinking ‘what will it be of him?’” continues Shin. “I had promised I will never leave you, and yet…”
Saint’s lips brush against Shin’s hand. Not yet a kiss, but more like a silent prayer branded on his skin.
Shin does not flinch. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like that, Saint. I kept wishing you could leave so you wouldn’t have to witness all of…that.”
“How could I leave you? I had to be there even if I was scared shitless. That could have been…the last of you I would ever see.”
Shin winces imperceptibly. “I’m glad you stayed, but I’m sorry you had to put up with all of that.”
“Please don’t take another stab for me then? So none of us will have to suffer?”
“I am afraid I can’t promise something like that. Besides, you remember the beating you took for me, right?”
Saint’s heart jumps, in awe and worry. “We are both very, very bad at self-preservation,” he half-jokes.
Shin exhales. Saint watches him as he raises his other hand to his face. The moment the pads of Shin’s fingers touch the skin under Saint’s eyes, something uncoils within him. He starts to let go of all the tension and the soreness of the last few hours.
“Have you slept at all?” asks Shin in his softest tone.
Saint shakes his head, a small smile gracing his lips. “Not really.”
“Why?”
“I had to watch over you.”
“But you could have slept when they brought me into the room.”
Saint giggles. “I’d rather watch you.”
Shins sighs again. Each time he does that, Saint can’t quite comprehend if he is annoyed or endeared.
“Why are you so good to me?”
Saint rests his cheek on the back of Shin’s hand. They haven’t let go of each other since Shin woke up. “Your current predicament proves that you are good to me too, am I right?”
“Saint, you are too good to me.”
Saint considers denying it, downplaying it, lying. He chooses the truth instead. “You are the love of my life.”
Shin tries to hide how taken aback he is, but he fails. “You are too young to know that,” he protests.
Saint laughs, even if a bit hurt. “I have thought about it long and hard and, sorry, I’m quite positive you are.” He pauses, trying to gather Shin’s thoughts from his now neutral expression. “You don’t feel the same,” he says after a bit. It’s not a question, nor a statement.
It doesn’t matter what Shin will reply, it won’t change anything between them. He aches for Shin, but it’s fine. Any version of him would be fine, any kind of love from him would still be love. He has already made it this far, pining and thirsting and wanting all the way from their very beginning, but still fine. He can endure as long as Shin stays by his side.
Even though, he still feels choked waiting for him to say anything.
For the longest time, they look at each other. Shin with his pale face and ruffled hair, battered and bruised, eyes hard and unreadable. Saint, looking no better than him, dishevelled and worse for wear, but with an unspoken longing in his eyes. Has he ever looked at Shin with other than yearning and adoration? And has it been all in his head that mirroring expression on Shin’s face?
“I took a knife in the back for you.”
This is not the answer that Saint had expected, but he is quite used now to Shin’s cryptic way of conveying his feelings. He licks his lips. “Thank you?”
“No, I took a knife in the back for you because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. And then I regretted it almost immediately because I couldn’t bear the thought of you suffering if I were to die. How fucked up is that?”
Saint’s heart beats frantically in his chest. “Pretty fucked up?” he jokes.
“Yes, thank you.”
Saint furrows his brows. “That’s it?”
Shin looks positively annoyed, Saint can’t help but rejoice. He will get those words out of his mouth one way or another.
“You would only do that for the love of your life, right?” he teases.
Shin sighs. “I wouldn’t put it that way.”
“How would you put it, then?” Saint asks eagerly.
Shin looks away. “You are my other half, Saint. Those years without you were agony. I believe I only am alive in the hours I spend with you. I don’t know if this is love or insanity, all I know is that I want to spend all the hours of all the days with you, as long as you will want me. And I want you and only you, and I want you to want me and only me. But most of all, I want you to be safe and happy, because only if you are, I am too.”
This is the longest Shin has ever spoken. He did that looking out of the window, but still, he did it. And the things he said…He read through Saint’s heart. On top of everything else, they may share a heart too.
Saint finally kisses the back of his hand. “I will be safe and happy only if you never leave me.”
Shin retracts his hand and struggles to sit. Saint mourns the loss of contact and at the same time worries about his injury. Why did he have to move?
As soon as he finds a comfortable position, Shin grabs Saint’s hand again.
“I need you to make me a promise. I want you to focus on school and I want you to think about your future. I want you to not cut ties with your friends and I want you to try and connect with your father.”
Saint blinks. “Are you saying I am too clingy? Or that you might leave me or die or…?”
“No, I am saying that I want you to have a life beyond me. I can’t stand the idea that you think of yourself as worthless or useless without me. I just want you to see…how great you are. Not just in my eyes, but in general. Many people love you and relies on you.”
“What about you? Will you do the same? It was really fucking reckless to jump in front of that knife. You have friends and family too, Shin.”
“Again, don’t ask me to not protect you. I will fight whoever tries to hurt you.”
Saint’s blood rushes to his face. He feels momentarily overwhelmed and one-upped. But this is not a competition at who says the most unhinged thing. “That won’t be necessary. Our enemies have been defeated,” he laughs it off. He then licks his lips and inhales. “But, seriously, all I am asking is for you to be less casual when it comes to putting yourself in danger. Your life is important.”
To me.
“I know that my life is important. And I will try to live it as best as I can. With you by my side.”
Saint kisses his knuckles one by one. He hopes Shin knows how much he loves him. So much to drive him crazy. He is afraid that the fear of losing him has less to do with the stabbing or their past, and more with the fact that such a concern is integral to the concept of love itself.
“Wait, were you trying to say we are soulmates earlier?” he asks cheekily. He doesn’t even know what it is supposed to mean, he just knows that it has something to do with being tied to another person so much so that there could not be anyone else and that no matter what happens you will always find your way back to each other.
Shin’s expression verges on the affronted. “I’d rather call it co-dependency, it sounds more accurate,” he replies soberly.
Saint hits him on the shoulder. “Damn, Shin, you are so unromantic.”
Shin howls and writhes holding his shoulder. “Saint, why would you do that, I am wounded!”
Saint smiles. “Last time I checked the wound was in the back.”
Shin scowls at him. “Saint, how can you be so insensitive, I am hospitalised.”
Saint raises a hand. Shin covers his face instinctively.
“Drama queen,” mutters Saint, using his hand to comb Shin’s hair. He then rests his chin on top of Shin’s hand and bats his eyelashes at him. “So, soulmate…”
Shin flicks his chin.
“Out of all the people in the world…” starts Saint.
“It had to be you…” finishes Shin annoyed.
Saint sulks, his lips pursued.
Shin bursts out laughing. “Don’t give me the puppy eyes, you know that I’m glad it was you,” he declares, sincerely.
Saint smiles at him. “Just so you know, I want you and only you. Always have, always will.”
Shin looks at him with something akin to wonder. He squeezes his hand. “And do you promise me you’ll value your life more?”
Saint’s heart thumps in his chest. You are my life and I value you the most.
He nods. “Only if you’ll do the same.”
“Of course,” replies Shin huskily.
They are nothing more than two hypocrites at the end of the day. A small, simple, mutual lie won’t hurt them anyway.
“Why don’t you get some rest?” asks Shin after a while.
“I am not leaving you.”
Shin shifts on the bed to make room for him.
“Won't you be uncomfortable?”
“I’ll be alright.”
Saint lets go of his hand and the feeling of loss hits him once again. But soon he will be in Shin’s arms.
“Are you sure?” he asks again as he gets ready to hop on the bed.
“Oh, come on, don’t make me beg.”
Saint laughs and there is a lightness in his chest now that will make him float if he doesn’t get anchored by Shin’s embrace soon. Hence, he gets in bed with him. He is not entirely convinced this is a great idea, but the pull of Shin’s warmth is too strong.
Shin groans as he shifts some more to accommodate him. Saint tries to move as slowly and gently as possible. He lies down and rests his head on Shin’s chest, right below his shoulder. Shin’s left arm supports his back.
Saint sighs. “It’ll be visiting hour soon. The others will come to see you.”
Shin pats his head. “It’s okay, I just want you to get some rest for the time being.”
“This is a very poor excuse to get me into your bed, you know that?”
Shin laughs but doesn’t say anything. Saint sniffs, a remnant of the tears he shed.
“Are you okay?”
Saint nods. He can hear Shin’s heartbeat under his ear. He kisses his chest. His little bird’s bones are not as brittle as he had thought. He feels safe and protected.
Shin starts stroking his hair. Saint looks up and stares.
“There’s no need to watch over me anymore,” says Shin once he notices his stare.
“What if I just like looking at you?”
Shin rolls his eyes. “You are such a sweet talker.”
Saint blinks. “I am not trying to sweep you off your feet, I already have you, right?”
Shin laughs softly. “Yeah, you already have me.”
Saint smiles. Shin’s expression changes. He raises his right hand and with the tip of his thumb touches the corner of Saint’s lip, where there’s a cut. Saint flinches.
“Sorry,” murmurs Shin, moving his finger to the middle of Saint’s bottom lip.
Saint kisses the pad of his thumb. Shin opens up his mouth in surprise as though Saint had kissed him there. They look at each other, both in longing. Saint closes his eyes at last, to quench the fire inside him. There’ll be another time for this.
He then turns his head to rest it comfortably on Shin’s chest again. His heart is beating faster. Saint smiles to himself. He is happy that they have both come clean about their feelings and he is happy to share this newfound intimacy with Shin. The rest will come on its own.
Shin kisses the top of his head. “Go to sleep?”
Saint closes his eyes. “Yes, I deserve a bit of a rest.”