Chapter Text
Eric and Ronald had been demon hunters for almost eight years, ever since they turned sixteen. Being part of a mission by the British government to eradicate supernatural evil, they were payed generously for each kill and were also given flats to stay in during their missions. As such, their temporary locations changed quite regularly.
Oh and just a little heads up here, they are the shittest demon hunters in all the land. But please, dear viewers, do not tell them that. You will hurt wee Eric’s feelings. So … let us take a look at the goofballs’ current actions:
A map was rolled out on the table, Eric drawing a circle around one particular area. “This is tha’ spoot.”
Ronald tapped a phrase into the search bar of his computer and quickly scowled down the webpage, clicking on the link. “Body parts ‘ave been washing up all along tha’ river. Fuckin’ demon cunt.”
“Aye, an’ at this rate, someun else is gunnae die.”
“Hmm … but how? Do y’ think that it’s a Mongolian goat fucker?”
Eric rolled his eyes. “Mongolian goat demon, maybe. They can change intae any animal and jus’ poop oop and gobble yer oop li’e tha’.”
Ronald lifted his arms into the air, motioning a rainbow as SpongeBob had. “I can see it in tha’ headlines now. Six foot man eaten alive by cockroach.”
“Bloody huge cockroach, mate.”
“Kackerlacka strikes again!”
Eric frowned. “Yer wha’ now?”
“Remember tha’ demon cockroach thing we took out in Sweden five years ago?”
“Ohh, aye. Kackerlacka is Swedish fir cockroach, ah remember.”
“And then we had ta’ drown a fiery Sköldpadda.”
“A Swedish turtle, aye.”
“But this seems kinda’ different. If it is a Mongolian goat fucker -.”
“Demon!”
“Goat ….” He clicked onto a bookmarked link. “Then it says here tha’ it can change inta’ human form too. I think tha’ we’re screwed.”
“Na, we can dae this.” Eric finished loading up his gun. “A silver bullet kills off pretty much anythin’ evil.”
“Unless it’s a fucked up cockroach or boiling turtle.”
“Aye but tha’ bullet did slow ‘em doon a wee bit. It’ll wound it at least.”
“Haha, yeah. And then I got this baby.” Ronald pulled out a silver sword coated in salt. “Works like a charm most of tha’ time.”
“It saved yer from a floatin’ mermaid tha’ once, aye.”
“Yeah … good times. Do y’ think Will and Grell will wanna’ come wi’ us this time? It’s been ages since tha’ boss got in a good kill.”
“Na, they goat tha’ wee baby tae look after now. They dinnae wanna’ ken.”
“Eh … true. I miss seein’ Grell’s drop kick though.”
“Perv.” Eric chuckled.
“Na, na!” Ronald sighed. “But I do miss them both. We’re gonna’ end up dead wi’out them one day. Will’s saved my life God knows how many times.”
“Because yer goat shite aim anyway most of tha’ time.”
“Don’t rub it in!”
“Hah, sorry buddy. But anyway … we need tae kill this thing, wha’ever it is. We’re already here now.”
“Yeah.”
“Now?”
“Nope, we need ta’ research more. Y’ can’t keep rushin’ in like tha’. No wonder we keep nearly dyin’.”
“Aye … true an’ there’s no way tha’ ah’m gunnae drag yer back from hell. Once wa’ enough.”
Ronald chuckled. “I survived a trip ta’ hell and back. I’m pretty badass, aren’t I?”
“Who was tha’ poor soul who goat ‘is hair toasted? Ah wa’ bald fir a month aftir.”
Ronald let out a loud laugh. “Oh man … tha’ was funny. Anyway, I’d love ta’ relive old stories like a married couple but we need ta’ ge’ down ta’ business.”
“Work? Tha’ dinnae sound li’e yer at all.”
“True. Fancy gettin’ some beer in then?”
“Ah’m havin’ whisky.” Eric winked at him.
“Hah … ‘course.”
-----
Eric wobbled onto his feet after drinking a whole bottle of the booze. “Righty then. Let’s … kill us … some demon!”
“Y’ in no fuckin’ -, Ronald paused for a hiccup, “Fuckin’ state for stabbin’ and bashin’ right now.”
Eric waved a hand and then burped. “What’re on aboot? Ah’m a proud Scott! One wee bottle inni’ gunnae stoop ma.”
Gas came from the other end of Ronald. “Man … how did Will ever put … up wi’ y’?”
“’Cause ah’m hunky an’ … chunky an’ ah’ll knock all tha’ fuckers dead!”
“Y’ neither … of those things, mate.”
“That’s naw wha’ he said.” Eric grinned before grunting and fanning his face. “Fuck … tha’ stinks! Yer been possessed by a … a … ehh … manure demon?”
“Does tha’ actually exist?” Ronald tilted his head to the side.
“It does now! Come … on, we goota’ ge’ gooin’ befir ah die of … lack of air.”
“But we … can’t drive in … this state.”
“Then we’ll walk.”
“It’s like … umm … five miles away?”
“Tha’ fresh air will dae us – ma good.”
Ronald rolled his eyes. “Fine. Ge’ y’ gun.”
“And yer ge’ yerr salty stick – oh wait, it’s already … attached!”
“Very fuckin’ funny. I’m … tha’ one who washes, remember?”
“So dae ah! Eh … ah took a bath … last nigh’, don’ yer remember?”
“Wi’ tha’ booze y’ve drunk … I’m surprised y’ remember.” Ronald stood up and grabbed his salty weapon. “Lead tha’ way then, genius.”
“Aye … no bother.”
------
Almost two hours later, Ronald and Eric reached the edge of the forest. Thankfully, it was mid-afternoon and still lovely and sunny. They had both sobered up by now – a little?
As soon as they climbed over a couple of tree roots, they heard rustling and turned to face … a deer. The animal began growling and spitting at them.
“Deers … fuckin’ growl?” Ronald stated, pulling his sword out.
“Aye … demon uns dae, ah suppose.” He ripped his gun from his coat.
The animal dug its hooves into the ground and growled more.
“Fuckin’ hell, Eric … shoot tha’ thing!”
As it rose up onto its hind legs, a bullet pierced its torso. A strange whimpering sound echoed around the forest, the deer hitting the ground harshly. It began to twitch.
“Ahhh … nice shot, mate!” Ronald stated. “Tha’ thing was easy ta’ kill.”
The movement of the creature stopped. “Aye … proud of ma?”
“Yep. Come on, let’s go … ge’ another drink.”
“Sounds grand.” They both turned around and took a single step.
“That wasn’t … very nice.” The leaves began to rustle and the pair stopped dead in their tracks. “I said that … was mean of you both.”
They turned around and saw a male human slowly getting to his feet, a naked human. Only this human had deer ears and a cute little tail. He examined the demon hunters closely as the wound closed, bullet dropping into his open hand.
A pout formed on his youthful looking face. “Very mean … indeed.”
Ronald gulped and tugged on Eric’s coat. “E … Eric, wha’ tha’ actual fuck?!”