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The ceiling of his dorm doesn’t say much. Honestly, Yuuta is kind of grateful. It would be far more of a problem if it could talk back, but Yuuta still lies, face up on his bed, muttering to it, as if it can. There’s no substance to his quiet words, really, it’s just a way to say what he needs to so he doesn’t say it to someone else. Probably via the device that sits on his chest, clutched in his palm. Volume turned up to its fullest. Vibration set to be long and arduous and harsh, so he knows, without a doubt, when he has an alert.
And then he does.
Yuuta startles at the sudden noise and the harsh movement on his sternum. His heart jumps in his chest. The notification flashes on his screen. A text message, finally. And not a spam message from his favourite crepe cafe with a coupon he can’t even use from so far away. Not a message from Miguel, telling him of tomorrow’s schedule. Not a message from Gojo, that usually only involves his newest found meme he thinks is hilarious, but Yuuta always finds slightly dismal and foreboding.
It’s a message from Toge Inumaki.
Just woke up.
It reads.
Yuuta bites his lip, imagining his boyfriend an ocean away. He’d be so warm. Sleep warm. Cozy warm. His hair would be mussed because, despite how effortless he makes it look everyday, Toge was never quite able to grow out the endless amount of cowlicks he had in first year, and now he uses an inordinate amount of product to make it as smooth and glossy as it appears in his second.
But he would be so cute. Yuuta clutches his phone. He allows himself a moment to smile, kick his legs a little, bites his lip, and squeals.
Good morning. How was your sleep?
But Yuuta is much more restrained in his actual reply.
Horribly.
Toge replies.
Yuuta’s stomach drops, and he sits up on his bed. ‘Horribly’? What does that mean?
Was there a mission that went late? A curse the second-years couldn’t quite quash on their own? Was someone hurt? Was Toge hurt? And he had to wait in the medical wing attached to the Jujutsu school before he was allowed to return to his dorm? Is he still in the medical wing?
Or worse…
Did Gojo take them out for fried chicken and karaoke again and not let them return home until the sun had already bit the horizon no matter how much the students begged for their beds? All in the name of ‘letting loose’ and ‘having a good time’?
I was cold and uncomfortable.
Toge explains.
Yuuta immediately begins to scour the internet for deals on homewares and furniture in an area close to Toge. Can Yuuta even buy furniture in Japan where he is? International calls are expensive but he’s sure he can charge it to the academy if he explains it’s for the health of one of their most prolific Jujutsu sorcerers.
You weren’t here.
Toge finishes.
Yuuta’s heart lurches. He almost drops his phone between his knees. But his face turns red and his lip grows swollen as he bites it harder. It’s nearing two am and his room has thin walls; he shouldn’t scream unless it's an emergency.
Though, personally, he’d deem his boyfriend being incredibly cute and sweet an emergency worthy of a good scream.
I wish I was there. You have no idea.
Yuuta replies immediately.
He bookmarks the browser page open on best mattress deals. Just in case.
Toge is replying faster now; he must be sitting up in bed, sipping water and chewing on his vitamin gummy (because he never switched to the oral kind even as he grew up).
I have some idea. If it’s even close to how much I wish the same; I definitely have some idea.
Yuuta can’t take it anymore.
He grabs his pillow, shoves his face into it, and screams.
He’s not used to this side of Toge. Despite dating for months now. Despite Toge having never hidden this side of himself, even when they were just friends. And then just friends bordering on something more.
For someone who can say so little, he tells Yuuta so much. He’s honest about his feelings and dedicated about his words. It’s like even in a digital format, where Toge isn’t in danger of cursing anyone and can speak as freely as he’d like, he still chooses his words so carefully.
Just a few more weeks and my training will be complete and I can return to the Tokyo school!
Yuuta reminds Toge (and himself).
Yuuta’s thumbs move furiously over his digital keyboard now.
We can finally go on our first date! What do you want to do? Anything you want! I’ll pay. I mean, I know it’s totally old fashioned to have one person pay on a date but I want to treat you as special as I think you are! Would you like to go to a really special sushi restaurant? Or are you tired of sushi? There’s some amazing dishes I’ve had here; I wonder if I can find any of them in Tokyo.
What kind of movies are you into? Or would you rather we go somewhere we can talk? We can just go for a walk by the river or I can look up events in the area? It will be almost Christmas by the time I get back. There might be some caroling shows we can see! Do you like ice skating? I’ve never gone before so if you haven’t either, we’ll probably just end up with bruised asses. I’d still like to do it if it’s something you’re interested in.
Before he can send it, Yuuta deletes the wall of text. Toge, so limited to what he can say, might be brave with his words, but Yuuta, who can say what he likes every day, certainly isn’t.
His phone buzzes with another message from Toge.
We can finally go on our first date.
Yuuta almost throws his phone across the room in excitement. He has to quickly remind himself he won’t be able to get a new one at two in the morning, and should refrain from destroying his only way of communicating with his boyfriend.
Neither of them had planned to confess their feelings and begin a relationship just after Yuuta had moved away for a semester abroad, starting a new and different training regimen in a completely foreign country. But when Toge had told him in no uncertain terms, over the phone, with only one word caressing Yuuta’s ear, Yuuta wouldn’t, couldn’t, just keep his own feelings to himself.
Even being a part of it for so little a time as he had, Jujutsu society had taught him one thing; never take anything for granted, least of all the time you have to tell your loved ones how you feel.
By the way, the word had been a delicately whispered ‘wasabi’, said in such a way Yuuta hadn’t had to guess what Toge had been trying to tell him even from so far away.
I’d love to.
Yuuta’s reply is far more gentle.
He opens the notes app to dump the previous wall of text into, wanting to at least keep the ideas for later.
It’s silent for a time. Yuuta fidgets, wondering what to say next. He wants to say so much, but how to congest it into a text message? And does Toge want that? He must be getting out of bed now. Maybe making his way to the dining hall for breakfast. Yuuta is sure Toge wouldn’t want Maki and Panda (and especially not Gojo) reading their text exchange over his shoulder.
Yuuta’s gut clenches with jealousy. He understands their lives have to move on as normal. He can’t ask Toge to pause his day just because Yuuta wants to keep talking to him. It’s not anyone’s fault Yuuta’s day is meant to be ending as Toge’s day is meant to start.
And he can’t blame Maki and Panda for being able to see Toge. In the flesh. His hair will be tamed by now but he might still be wearing his pyjamas and wiping the sleep from his long eyelashes, pretty eyes fluttering as he greets the day. His lips a little moist from his bedside water and so kissable and…
Can I ask a favour?
Yuuta can’t take it anymore.
??
Toge is quick to respond.
Can we video call?
Yuuta feels awkward asking, but he can’t stand another moment like this.
The only phone call they’ve had is the one Toge asked for, because he hadn’t wanted to confess through a text message. He had wanted it to be personal. He had wanted Yuuta to hear how he felt. Yuuta wishes he had recorded the call.
Ever since though, it’s been strictly messages through line. They’ll share cute stickers between each other when they’re too busy to hold a conversation, or one will stay up way too late so their conversations from the day previous can continue as if they never had to pause.
Yuuta understands why it is this way, he does, but he misses so much about Toge, and right now, so little of it is accessible. But his voice and his face and the little expressions he makes as he thinks and the soft utterance of tuna mayo or roe or, best of all, wasabi are starting to fade from Yuuta’s memory.
Are you sure?
Toge asks.
We don’t have to. If it makes you uncomfortable.
Ah.
Sorry! Forget I asked. Late night thoughts and all…
Toge hates when people send multiple text messages at once. He has Yuji permanently blocked for this reason. No matter how many times he has asked politely, Yuji is incapable of condensing his thoughts into one message and has to barrage everyone’s phones with his frantic stream of consciousness. Toge put an end to that immediately.
And now Yuuta is caught in a parallax. If he sends another message to apologise for the multiple messages it’s just one more message that Toge won’t appreciate!
Yuuta jumps again when his phone vibrates, and continues to vibrate, Toge’s video request flashing on the screen. Yuuta wipes as much of the sleep from his eyes as he can and fusses with his hair as it dries in all different directions, ends still damp from the shower.
It’s all worth it to see him again. Yuuta was right. Toge’s hair is far more reminiscent of when Yuuta first met him. His eyes are bright though, and he’s already dressed in his uniform. Yuuta has to tell himself he’s not imagining it when Toge’s face lights up a little upon seeing Yuuta. He allows himself to believe that.
“Hi.” Yuuta doesn’t know what to say now.
I wanted to see your face.
I wanted to hear your voice.
I miss you so much.
Can you say ‘wasabi’ for me?
It gets stuck in his throat and comes out as a hacking cough instead.
“Mustard leaf!” Toge warns.
“S-sorry!” Yuuta thumps his chest with his fist and swallows thickly. “I’m not trying to choke.”
“Tuna.”
“Yes, I promise!”
“Tuna mayo.”
Yuuta goes silent. Dammit, he had been doing so well.
“Uh-” He pretends to be fidgeting, to buy himself some time, but no, he really can’t tell what Toge had been trying to tell him. He hasn’t had as much practice with this as Maki and Panda, who can seem to inadvertently tell exactly what Toge is trying to say all the time. He’s already learning conversational Afrikaans to get by while he’s here, but he’s truly only interested in learning how to speak Inumaki.
The angle of Toge’s face changes as he does something with his phone, and over his pretty eyes on Yuuta’s screen, a message in their chat appears. Yuuta tries not to be disappointed in himself as he has to accept Toge’s face will appear small and in a corner of his phone while he reads what Toge had been trying to say.
You’re not allowed to die on me.
Yuuta laughs.
“I’m not trying to. I was just a little surprised.”
Yuuta realises another reason this video call might be a bad idea. While texting, it had been so easy to be upfront with Toge. While texting, Yuuta can hide his blushing cheeks and wide and giddy smile as he writes poetry about Toge’s eyes and his soft skin and his pale hair.
Now? Now how is he supposed to say Toge’s beauty caught him by surprise and that’s the reason he choked immediately upon seeing his gorgeous face?
Words simply aren’t enough.
Yuuta watches Toge’s brows furrow in concentration as he types another message.
I haven’t even kissed you yet.
And now Toge will see Yuuta’s face go blank and red and his breath come short when Toge writes the same sort of messages back to him with a completely straight face. Even over their own phone call, Yuuta had been at least able to hide his expressions. He’s an idiot. Why did he ask for this?
“I. That’s. Wow.”
This is a terrible time to learn he’s actually terrible at talking to his own boyfriend. He can mouth off to Suguru Geto in a life-or-death situation all he likes, but confronted with the very real possibility that Toge wants to kiss him?
No language he could learn could prepare him for this.
“Mustard leaf!” Toge says, worriedly, and looks troubled as he furiously follows it with another message.
Only if you want to, of course.
Yuuta has to get a grip on himself. He’s always known Toge is kind, it’s one of the many reasons he fell in love with him. That fact is not allowed to surprise him.
“Of course I want to!” Yuuta screams. Toge looks taken aback, and it’s his turn to flush. He buries his nose in his scarf. “We can kiss.” Yuuta might be a Jujutsu prodigy but apparently not a prodigy of love. “And…hold hands. If you want to?”
Toge blinks at him. His pale lashes are so long. Yuuta wonders if Toge would let him count them.
“S-salmon.”
Yuuta’s heart is still racing inside his chest, making him shake and fumble with what he wants to say, but he refuses to let it control his words.
“Where would you like to go on our first date?”
Toge takes the chance to collect his own thoughts, appearing to think about it.
“Spicy cod?” His eyebrows peak, pleading.
And Yuuta hates himself even more for not understanding. He mutters several apologies as Toge returns to typing in their chat.
Let’s go to the movies.
Yuuta opens his mouth to speak an affirmative. That of course they can go to the movies and he’ll buy all the snacks Toge could ever want and they can see anything Toge wants to see, even if it’s a horror film. Despite his job, and the very real life horrors he’s seen in the past year, Yuuta doesn’t necessarily enjoy seeking them out even in a fictional format.
But he pauses as another message comes through.
We can hold hands and kiss in the dark. We don’t have to worry about speaking.
Yuuta is stumped. On one hand, he wants to hold hands and kiss Toge in the dark. On the other, is Toge worried Yuuta won’t want to speak to him? That it’s too much effort for him? Even as Yuuta forms a reply, Toge messages again.
I love talking to you. I want to do that too. But when you’re back, I feel like speaking is the last thing I’ll want to do with you.
Toge looks a little full of himself upon seeing Yuuta’s expression, watching him read and take it in slowly.
And we’ll have to at least be in public so I don’t get carried away.
Now Toge definitely looks more than full of himself; he looks downright smug.
Unfortunately, Yuuta is now in the business of saying anything that comes to his mind.
“You can get carried away.”
His face can’t possibly get any redder, but he refuses to take the words back.
“Salmon?” Toge raises an eyebrow.
Yuuta nods, furiously. “Salmon.”
“Salmon roe.”
Yuuta snorts.
There’s a commotion on Toge’s end. Someone asks him something through his door, and Toge offers a crypt response before turning his attention back to Yuuta.
“You have to go?” Yuuta knows.
“Salmon.” Toge sounds despondent.
Yuuta nods. “It’s okay. I should probably get some sleep. Miguel won’t let me start late just because I was up all night talking to you.”
Toge laughs. Sweet and short and Yuuta will carry that sound with him all day.
“Thank you. For this,” Yuuta says. He fidgets, considers continuing, before ultimately deciding that he needs to say it. That Toge deserves to hear it. “I know it’s hard, and inconvenient for you. I don’t understand a lot yet, but I’ll get better! I know I was being a little selfish, but I really wanted to see your face.”
Toge blinks, wide eyed, before turning back to their chat.
We share selfies all the time?
Yuuta shakes his head. “It’s not the same as seeing you in motion. Knowing you’re real. Even now, I can’t totally convince myself you are.”
“Caviar!”
Yuuta laughs loudly, and cups his mouth to keep the noise from escaping beyond the room and waking his roommate. “You’re right, I’m sorry. You’re very real.”
I’ll show you how real I can be.
Yuuta flushes again, but it’s not nearly as bad as it had been throughout the night. He’s getting a handle on his feelings, if only so he can harness them and show Toge how much he cares, instead of sitting here and fumbling through a conversation like an idiot.
“Oh yeah?”
“Salmon!”
Yuuta can’t stop smiling. “You better.”
It’s Toge’s turn to blush.
They say their goodbyes. It takes longer than anticipated, and by the time Toge is hanging up, he’s already rushing out his door and toward morning assembly, Maki yelling down the hallway at him for being late.
Yuuta lies back on his bed, staring at the ceiling again, but remains silent. All his words are used up now and given to his boyfriend, who he knows will keep them safe and secure until he can give them back tomorrow night.
He still has to brush his teeth. He still has to hang up his uniform for tomorrow. And yet, he still doesn’t move. He’ll drift off and have horrible morning breath and a wrinkled uniform, but he can’t care about that future when the future he does care about is still weeks away.
His phone buzzes on his chest again, and Yuuta blinks at the screen upon seeing Toge’s last message to him.
By the way, Happy Halloween. I wonder if the parties tonight are going to be as crazy as they were last year. Pray for me we won’t need to be dispatched to handle any stray curses!
Yuuta smiles and replies quickly, before accepting sleep is coming for him and he has no say in the matter. He finally switches his phone to silent, shoves it under his pillow, and is asleep as soon as he’s closed his eyes.
Good luck! I know you can handle it, but don’t get yourself into any trouble if you end up in Shibuya.