Archive of Our Own

There’s an ache in Mina’s chest that seems to bleed out into every part of her body, making her arms shake and legs unsteady. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It needs to stop; if it doesn’t she won’t be able to handle it. The world feels like it’s caving in, collapsing around her. She wants to escape but there’s nowhere to hide.

But in the middle of all the pain is Sana, arms around Mina and voice soft in her ear, telling her that she’s there for her and it’s going to be okay. Mina doesn’t believe her, but it helps a little just to hear her even tones. Sana is solid in the face of Mina’s crippling anguish and she clings to her for safety.

“I hurts,” Mina sobs. “I hurt so much; I don’t know what to do.”

“She’s not worth your tears.”

Sana’s fingers are soft against her cheeks. They do their best to stop the never ending stream of tears, but it doesn’t work. She ends up just cupping Mina’s face gently and letting the drops slide down her fingers. Mina leans heavily into Sana’s palms, trying to soak in some of her warmth. It only helps a little and she whimpers as another wave of despair runs through her.

“Shhh, it’s going to be okay.”

Mina is pretty sure she’s never going to be okay again. This ache feels endless - unstopping and unstoppable. She doesn’t remember what it’s like to feel anything else.  She sobs once, a choking sound that feels like it comes from the bottom of her lungs and leans more closely into Sana, the only thing that still feels real. Sana holds her even as Mina’s weight pushes her back against the pillows that rest against the headboard. Mina ends up cradled in her lap, face still held firmly in her hands.

“I don’t want to feel this way,” Mina says. “I just want to forget it all.”

“I know, I know,” Sana whispers, “I’m sorry.”

She shifts so that she can press a kiss to Mina’s temple. It helps a little, somehow cutting through like a pinprick of light in the darkest room. Mina presses in closer, desperately searching for more. Anything other than this agony. She turns her head to face Sana directly, only a centimeter of air between them.

Sana’s eyes are wide and trusting like they always are when she looks at Mina, the expression now tainted with concern. But she is so steady. In the face of everything, Mina feels like she’s unravelling, but Sana seems firm. Mina is on a precipice and Sana is the only thing left for her to hold to keep her from falling. She brings her hands up to grip at Sana’s wrists, to keep her hands against her face, though Sana has made no indication that she might move them and closes her eyes.

She is desperate. She needs this pain gone, needs to forget. She won’t be able to stand it. There’s warmth here, in Sana, among all the pain, there is warmth here and only here and Mina needs it. She leans it and her lips find the comfort of Sana’s.

She should not be doing this. She knows. She knows. She knows. But Sana’s mouth is hot and steady against hers and this is the first relief Mina has felt is days. She can’t pull away. Her hands find Sana’s hair, tangling in the smooth strands and tugging her closer. Sana moans into her mouth and her hands find Mina’s ass, squeezing slightly and pulling her more firmly into her lap.

Mina lets herself fall into it. She lets Sana’s hands travel up to slip under her shirt and then push it up and over her head. There’s a second pause, a miniscule moment in which Mina considers what she’s doing. Sana’s eyes are reverent as they track up and down her bare chest. It’s an expression Mina has never seen before despite having known Sana over a decade.

It is almost enough. The reminder that this is her best friend – someone she’s loved for years, someone she never, ever wants to hurt – makes her pause. This is a bad idea. This is a terrible, terrible idea. But then Sana’s hands are coming up to cup her breasts and her mouth finds the crook of Mina’s neck and the darkness recedes just a bit more. Mina is too selfish to not take the relief.

Mina wakes in confusion. Her head aches and her mouth is dry to the point where her tongue sticks to the roof of her mouth. And this isn’t her apartment. She knows without even opening her eyes. There’s too much light, the blankets are too heavy, and the smell of sandalwood is all wrong. And yet, it’s familiar.

She slowly opens her eyes, resisting the urge to groan out loud. Her eyelids feel almost like they’re glued to her eyeballs and the sunlight streaming through the blinds makes her flinch. She blinks until her vision clears and she sees a stuffed monkey on the window sill. She knows this monkey, a prize she’d won for Sana five years ago when she’d dragged her out to a theme park. Sana had failed to win it for herself ten times in a row, but Mina had gotten it on her first try. Sana had pouted for all of thirty seconds and then had cooed happily when Mina handed her the stuffed animal.

Next to it, a picture of the two of them with Chaeyoung at the summer camp where they’d met the summer after their freshman year of high school. Both Sana and Chaeyoung’s hair is bleach blonde in that photo. Mina remembers holding Sana’s head over the sink in the camp cabin, carefully following the instructions on the back of the bleach bottle. The counselor had caught them and they’d gotten into a lot of trouble, but the damage had been done.

On the corner of the picture frame hangs a broken friendship bracelet Mina had made the following summer. It had taken her hours and she’d never been happy with the result. Sana’s had been much neater and Chaeyoung’s much more creative, but Sana had worn the bracelet until the thread had worn through and snapped. Even afterwards, though Mina told her to toss it, Sana had insisted on keeping it, displaying it proudly in her room.

Normally, Mina’s eyes would just flit over these items and the countless other memories in Sana’s room, so used to seeing them that they had all but lost their meaning. But Sana’s arm is slung firmly across her waist, holding her in place almost protectively. Her legs brushing up against the backs of Mina’s knees. Her breath hot on the back of Mina’s neck and the memories are flickering across Mina’s mind like a warning.

It’s not the first time they’ve woken up in this position. There had been many sleepovers before, but it’s definitely the first time that Mina has been able to feel this sort of ache between her legs and Sana’s arm on the bare skin of her waist. It burns where Sana touches.

Mina doesn’t move. She can’t. She knows Sana. Knows that she’s a light sleeper. The moment Mina tries to shift away, she’ll start to wake, and Mina is not ready for that in the slightest. But god, what the hell is she supposed to do? What the hell can she do?

She closes her eyes and tries not to panic. Sex had certainly not been the plan when Sana had invited her over for her favorite movies and ice cream. ‘The best way to get over a breakup,’ Sana had said, ‘is to lean on your friends for a distraction.’ Mina doesn’t think this was the kind of distraction she’d meant but in the face of her seemingly endless heartbreak, Mina had selfishly taken what she’d needed to not fall apart. She’s used her. Why Sana had let her is beyond her, but that doesn’t change the fact that Mina hadn’t been thinking of Sana at all. Only of herself. 

And now… she feels so damn guilty. For what she did to Sana and… because she can't stop thinking Jihyo and what she'd think if she found out. She doesn’t owe Jihyo anything anymore. She knows that. Jihyo had been the one to end things, saying to Mina’s face that she didn’t want her anymore. If Mina wanted to sleep with someone, she could. It’s the objective truth but she can’t force herself to believe it. Her heart belongs to Jihyo. She loves her with everything she’s capable of. Even if Jihyo doesn’t love her, even if after three years Jihyo couldn’t offer her anything better than ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, she can’t stop loving her.

Mina wishes she could find whatever switch Jihyo had found that shut off her feelings and use it on herself. But she can’t. Her mind has thought only of Jihyo since they day they met, and she doesn’t know how to stop. Last night, Sana had managed to distract her – with her mouth, with her hands – just enough for Mina to forget about Jihyo for the first time since they’d first met. It hadn’t lasted long. 

She feels a sob building inside her and brings her hands up to press against her mouth firmly to muffle it. She tries to stop her shoulders from shaking as tears stream down her face. She can’t have Sana wake up and see her crying. What would she tell her? That she let Sana kiss her, fuck her, hold her but Jihyo is the only person on her mind? That Mina isn’t sure she’ll be able to think of anyone else again? That she used Sana to distract her anyway? That she’s pretty sure she’s a terrible, terrible person? Her teeth dig into her knuckles, and she knows the marks she leaves will stay for the rest of the day, but the pain barely registers.

Sana fingers twitch and Mina holds her breath. She feels Sana’s breathing change from soft and steady to a little deeper and heavier, almost a sigh. Mina can still feel it against her bare shoulder, and it sends tingles down her spine. There’s shuffling of feet, small wiggles as if Sana is remembering how to move and then a yawn, body tensing and then relaxing again.

Mina knows the motions. This was how Sana would wake up every morning when they shared a bunk back at summer camp, when they’d have sleepovers on the weekends in high school, and when Sana would crash at her place after late night study sessions during college. It’s like it’s any other morning. As if she can’t feel Mina’s bare stomach against her hand, the skin of her back pressing against Sana’s chest. Sana never made it out her tank top, which Mina is grateful for now, but the amount of skin touching is overwhelming still.

“Morning,” Sana mumbles.

“Morning,” Mina forces out.

She’s isn’t sure what else to do. She’s pretty sure there isn’t a handbook for sleeping with your best friend in a desperate attempt to forget your ex, and if there is, she hadn’t read it. She has no idea what Sana is going to do next. Her hands shake in front of her, and she fists them together so that Sana won’t notice.

When Sana’s lips find Mina’s bare shoulder, Mina can’t help a little twitch of surprise. Sana draws away just a little but doesn’t go far. Instead, she pulls Mina closer into her and nuzzles into the back of her neck.

“Are you feeling better?”

Mina has no clue what she’s supposed to say to that. The heartbreak is still fresh and raw and aching. The only thing stopping her from falling into that feeling entirely is the fact that she’s desperately trying to process her current situation. How the hell is Sana acting like everything is normal? Nothing that happened last night was normal for them. In the years they had known each other, Sana had never slipped her fingers between Mina’s legs, had never pressed open-mouth kisses to the column of Mina’s throat or sunk her teeth into the flesh on Mina’s chest.

“I, um,” Mina clears her dry throat and tries to think of an appropriate answer. “A little, I guess.”

Sana gives her waist a reassuring squeeze.

“Good, I’m glad I was able to help a bit,” she says.

What the hell does that mean? What the hell? What the hell? Mina can only take so much of this. She pulls away from Sana just enough to be able to turn in her arms, only remembering when Sana’s eyes drop that she’s still shirtless. She tugs the blankets up to her chin self-consciously and Sana’s eyes snap back up to her face.

“Satang,” she starts to say.

“Stop,” Sana interrupts. “We’re okay.”

Mina blinks. She opens her mouth to speak again but Sana beats her to it.

“No, stop, we’re okay,” she repeats. “I mean it, Mina. We’re fine.”

Mina has no clue what the hell Sana is talking about. Except her words sound like they could be answers to the apologies and excuses Mina hasn’t said out loud yet. Sana is smiling softly, and she doesn’t seem upset, but it doesn’t make sense.

“Don’t overthink it, Mitang,” Sana says softly, bringing a finger up to tap against Mina’s forehead as if that would shut off her brain. “We’re okay. You needed help and I could help you. And we’re here now and we’re okay. Really. Don’t stress.”

She cranes her neck to press a kiss to Mina’s forehead where her finger had been, as if to seal the words in and Mina closes her eyes at the feeling. She has no clue what the hell is going on anymore, but she can’t deny that this feels good. Sana’s warmth is familiar, her protective arm still around her waist, and her voice soft and soothing. And she says it’s okay. She says it’s fine.

“Sana,” Mina says. “I don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“It’ll only be weird if we make it weird,” Sana assures softly. “I know you and you know me. There’s no hard feelings here. We’ll be okay.”

Mina doesn’t understand anything at all, but she can’t argue. She whimpers and nods and let’s Sana pull her against her chest.

“You are feeling better, right? You weren’t just saying that?”

Mina had just been saying it. She didn’t want Sana to feel bad, but Jihyo is forefront to each of her thoughts and it still feels like torture by a thousand cuts. And yet… the steady warmth of Sana against her seems to soothe the pain somewhat. Just enough.

“Yeah, I do feel better,” she says.

“Good. I’m always here for you.”

It’s not awkward because Sana refuses to let it be. She holds Mina until she gets restless and then she rolls out of bed, poking at Mina’s arm until she gets up as well and follows her into the kitchen.

“You need to eat more,” Sana says, as she starts to cook up what looks like it will be an extravagant breakfast.

It’s a common refrain from Sana who had witnessed all of Mina’s worst dating fads back in high school and all the meals she skipped in college to study. Except there’s something more poignant about the comment now as Mina remembers how much of her body Sana saw last night. Had run her fingers over the slightly protruding ribs and had pressed her mouth against her flat abdominal muscles and her tongue against her prominent collarbones.

“I’m fine.”

Sana glares at her in a way that means ‘shut up’ and Mina closes her mouth.

“If I know you at all, you probably haven’t eaten for the last few days. You always lose your appetite when you’re upset.”

She does know her, of course, always has known her best. Mina has barely eaten since Jihyo left her in their apartment. She’d tried once and the food hadn’t stayed down. She doesn’t have much of an appetite now and while Sana is serviceable cook – certainly better than Chaeyoung – just looking at the ingredients she’s pulling out makes Mina’s stomach turn.

“I did eat,” she lies. “I’m not really that hungry right now.”

Sana puts down the spoon she’s holding and looks at her as if she’s trying to read her mind. Mina wonders sometimes if she actually can. She does her best to keep her expression neutral, but it doesn’t seem to work because Sana sighs and completely abandons her place by the counter to take Mina’s face in her hands.

“Are you sure you can’t eat now?” she asks gently.

Mina nods, the movement squishing her cheeks as they push against Sana’s palms. Sana squeezes her face once and presses a kiss to her forehead.

“Well… unfortunately for you, I can’t let you not eat,” she says softly. “But we’ll start with some easy stuff. How about some miso soup and rice? Just a little. I’ll make it the way your mom does.”

Mina doesn’t want to, but she knows she should, and she doesn’t want to let Sana down.

“Okay.”

Sana smiles, squeezing her cheeks once more before releasing her and making her way over to the rice maker. She hums as she cooks, glancing over at Mina every few seconds to shoot her a smile. Mina just watches her, dazed and confused. She feels like she’s riding a wave with no idea of whether it’s taking her to shore or dragging her deeper into the ocean.

But Sana feeds her, watches her eat, and lets her wear her clothes home as if it’s nothing and Mina decides that she’s too tired to think about it more.

Mina had taken sick days after the breakup, not even considering that she might be faking. There wasn’t a virus or bacteria or anything like that, but the symptoms were the same. Headache, nausea, fatigue, loss of appetite, muscle aches. The physical manifestation of her heartbreak was enough to render her nearly useless. But even though she still feels like she could throw up at a moment’s notice, there isn’t enough medical or personal leave in the world to cover this heartbreak so when Monday comes, she knows she has to go to work.

Data analysis pays well and it’s tolerable enough that she never really considered quitting. She likes her team too and the office is near her apartment. But the job itself is a little boring which means there’s nothing to take her mind off everything. Just going through the motions of her work day is agonizingly painful. She has so many habits she built around Jihyo and breaking each one feels like severing a limb.

Waking up alone had been the first hit. Their room - her room now - was too quiet without Jihyo’s steady breathing next to her and the bed was too cold. She’d considered giving up then and there, just lying in bed until she decomposed into the mattress but somehow she’d managed to force herself to stand. She’d felt like there were cinderblocks on her feet as she made her way to the bathroom, and she had to lean on the edge of the sink to catch her breath. The bathroom felt gray, her skin looked gray, everything was gray.

A week ago, Jihyo would have been next to her, maneuvering around her to wash her face and do her makeup, probably humming in her low, honeyed voice. She would have kept humming as she made them both eggs and toast and Mina made them coffee. And then after they’d eaten, Jihyo would have walked her to the bus stop, hand in hand and smile on her face.

Today, Mina doesn’t eat anything. Her hand feels empty without Jihyo’s to hold. Her cheek, as she waits at the bus stop, is cold without the usual goodbye kiss and her heart aches at the lack of a cheerful ‘have a good day, babe’. The sun is shining brightly overhead but it doesn’t feel warm.

She does her best to immerse herself into her work, but Jihyo doesn’t leave any space in her mind to focus on the numbers in front of her. Memories of them play on a loop and each one piles onto her despair. She feels like she’s slowly sinking into a pit of tar. It squeezes her chest and makes it hard to move, hard to do anything other than sink further in and just hope she doesn’t drown.

Were there signs? If there were, Mina had missed every single one. Jihyo hadn’t seemed like she was losing interest. They had been planning a vacation at the end of the summer to Jeju and Jihyo had seemed excited, happily showing Mina different hotels they could stay at and activities she wanted to do. Mina had just been happy to see her girlfriend happy and had easily said yes to all her suggestions just to see the way Jihyo would smile each time.

On Tuesday, Jihyo had gone well out of her way across town to buy Mina her favorite cupcakes for no reason other than she felt like it. On Wednesday morning, Jihyo had walked Mina to her bus like every other day even though it was out of her way, and had kissed her on the cheek and said, ‘you’re going to do great during your presentation today, don’t stress too much’ and then she’d walked off. It had all been so normal. But when Mina had gotten back to their apartment that night, Jihyo had been sitting in the living room with a packed bag by her feet and her head in her hands. The image is burned in her mind. Mina hadn’t accepted what was happening until the words came out of Jihyo’s mouth, but the moment she’d seen Jihyo’s wide, apologetic eyes, she’d known.

It was too late. Whatever problems there might have been that she somehow missed, Mina wouldn’t even be given a chance to fix them. There were apologies from Jihyo, explanations that Mina still hasn’t been able to digest, but at the end of it all, Mina was left in what had been their living room, face in her hands as the apartment door swung closed with a soft thud. The memory plays on repeat and, by the end of the day, the tar pit that Mina had been sinking into is up to her neck. She walks out of work in a daze, shaky and tired and doing everything she can to hold back tears.

She can’t go back to her apartment. It’s too quiet, too dark, too lonely and Jihyo’s presence is everywhere. The minute she walks into the living room she knows she’ll see the ghost of her, sitting on the couch waiting to break her heart. She doesn’t think about it for even a second before flagging down a taxi and rattling off Sana’s address.

Sana doesn’t seem surprised to see her, nor does she seem surprised when Mina takes her by the back of the neck and drags their lips together before even bothering to kick off her work shoes. She just slips her hands under Mina’s blazer, pushing it off her shoulders so that it crumples on the floor, and she can more firmly grasp at Mina’s waist over her thin button-down.

The minute their lips touch, Mina feels some of the pressure lift. This is distracting, properly distracting in a way work had no hope of being. Sana feels warm and alive, and Mina breathes her in greedily as if she could pull some of that life force into herself. Her head spins with the overstimulation of Sana’s mouth and hands and the thigh that presses between her legs, and she would normally ask to slow down, but she needs this more than she needs the air to breathe.

They’re both fully clothed but Mina can’t stop, can’t let a momentary pause allow the thoughts to creep back in. Her hands are desperate against Sana’s shoulders and back, urging her closer. Sana reads Mina perfectly, as she always has, and gives her everything she wants, not hesitating at all as Mina grinds against her thigh.

When her right hand makes its way inside Mina’s slacks and pushes against her, Mina gives up trying to kiss her and drops her head against her shoulder, trying to take in lungfuls of air between gasps and whimpers. Sana holds her tight and steady, murmuring soft assurances in her ear.

“You’re okay.”

“It’ll be okay.”

“I’ve got you.”

Mina takes everything Sana gives, letting it flood into her mind and take all the spaces that Jihyo had occupied all day until the only thing she feels is mind-numbing pleasure. When she finally finishes, it’s with a shuddering breath and her fingers curled so tightly into Sana’s shoulders, she’s afraid that she’ll leave a mark. As her breath evens out, Sana slides her hand out of Mina’s pants and turns her hold into a hug.

“Bad day?” Sana asks.

The question draws a whimper out of Mina. Sana soothes her with a hand down her back and a soft kiss to her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “But it’s going to be okay. Do you want to spend the night?”

Mina nods into her neck.

“Okay,” Sana says, pulling away. “Then why don’t you shower, and I’ll get some clothes ready.”

Mina feels herself on the verge of tears again, lungs heavy and eyes hot. The day had just been too long, too tiring, and too much. She wants to sleep; she wants to forget; she doesn’t want to be alone. With a shaking hand, she reaches out to grab Sana’s sleeve.

“Hmm?”

Mina doesn’t have the words to ask for what she wants.

“Do you want me to… come with you?” Sana asks.

Want isn’t a strong enough word. Mina is pretty sure she can’t do this alone. Is pretty sure that the minute she’s in the shower alone, she’ll break. She needs Sana with her. Needs the distraction, the company, and anything to keep the dark thoughts away.

She nods.

Sana takes her hand and brushes her thumb across her knuckles.

“Okay.”

The water is hot against Mina’s skin. Sana’s tongue between her legs is hotter. Mina grips at her damp hair, guiding her gently and when Sana finds the right spot, Mina lets her mind go blank again. She lets the feeling of Sana against her wipe away everything.

Sana pulls back for a half a second to catch her breath, gasping and sputtering a little as the water of the shower runs down her cheeks and over her nose and mouth. Mina reaches for the knob to turn off the water and immediately feels cold. She opens her mouth to apologize but Sana gives her a half smile and presses forward again.

The cold air on her wet skin doesn’t matter when her whole body feels overheated just from the spreading warmth of Sana’s mouth. When she feels Sana’s teeth dig into the inside of her thigh, she lets her head fall back and closes her eyes.

The second time Mina wakes up naked in Sana’s bed, it’s to the abrupt sound of her alarm. She’s exhausted and sore just about everywhere. If she looks in the mirror, she’ll probably have bruises and marks across her whole body. She just hopes Sana was smart enough to not leave them anywhere visible.

“Turn it off,” Sana mumbles.

Mina rolls over to silence her phone, not able to hold back a groan as her muscles scream in protest. She stretches, loosening the muscles in her back a little before throwing back the sheets to stand. Sana isn’t holding her today and is instead star-fished on her side of the bed, hair haloed on the pillow.

“Do you really have to leave this early?” Sana mumbles, eyes still firmly closed.

“Yes,” Mina says. “Can I borrow some clothes?”

Sana hums an affirmative and Mina makes her way to the closet. She changes quickly and then goes to the bathroom to find the toothbrush that she keeps for herself in Sana’s apartment.

“Will you come back after work?” Sana asks, blinking at her blearily as Mina comes back into the room from the bathroom, face washed, and make-up done. 

Mina hesitates. She thinks of her too-big and too-quiet apartment. She doesn’t want to go back there but she already feels like she’s burdening Sana too much, asking far more of her than Sana should have to give.  

“I’m sorry for just barging in yesterday.”

Sana groans and sits up. Mina has to make an effort to keep her eyes up as the sheets fall away, exposing her chest.

“Stop saying stuff like that,” Sana complains. “You could literally show up a 3am covered in mud and tell me that you want to throw a party for a bunch of feral raccoons, and I would still love you. Yesterday was nothing and if you come back tonight that will be nothing too. You’re always welcome here.”

Mina wonders what she did to earn this sort of friendship from Sana. Sana who always had a million options for best friends but always found comfort in Mina first and foremost. Always made space and time for her in her life. Why did she think Mina was deserving of that kind of love? And… why didn’t Jihyo think so as well? Why could Sana stay for years and years and why could Jihyo just pick up and leave?

She’s spiraling quickly. And she’s burdened Sana enough.

“Thank you, Sana,” Mina says. “I love you.”

It’s a ‘no’ to Sana’s original question. They both know it and Sana frowns, but she doesn’t push. Instead, she pulls the sheets up to her chest and stands up from the bed, dragging them with her just enough to keep herself covered. She comes to a stop in front of Mina and smiles softly. She presses a kiss to Mina’s cheek.

“Call me,” she says. “Even if you don’t come tonight, call me so I know you’re alright. Promise?”

Mina promises.

Mina hesitates at her front door. It had taken all of her self-control to not cave and go to Sana’s like she wanted after what had felt like the longest work day of her life. But she’d promised herself not to bother her anymore. If she’s being honest, she’s also scared of herself right now. She thinks if she goes to Sana’s she’ll probably kiss her, let Sana fuck her. Sana may not be making a big deal out of it, for some reason doesn’t seem to mind at all but Mina can’t get past the feeling that she’s doing something wrong.  

With a deep sigh Mina digs her key out of her purse and slots it into the lock of her front door only to find it already unlocked. Mina has never once forgotten to lock her door. Sana had forced her to listen to enough true crime podcasts that she was terrified of what might happen if she didn’t. She distinctly remembers checking the lock when she left, spending the night alone only reinforcing her fears of intruders. But it’s definitely unlocked now and there’s only one other person who has a key to this apartment. With a trembling hand, Mina pushes the door open.

Jihyo is sitting on the couch, phone in hand, scrolling mindlessly, yet her posture is not so dissimilar from that last memory of her that is burned on the back of Mina’s eyelids. Bile rises in Mina’s throat just thinking about it and it clashes uncomfortably with the bursting of hope at seeing Jihyo in their home. It’s ridiculous because Jihyo is just a person, but the apartment feels so much warmer and brighter with her in it, as if she was bringing the sun with her.

Why would she be here unless she had realized she made a mistake? Even if she had sounded so sure that it was all over when she’d last walked out, maybe once she’d spent a few days away from Mina, she had felt the same aching loneliness and sadness as Mina and had decided to come back. Maybe she had come to apologize and to tell Mina that she should have never left.

Jihyo notices Mina before Mina can get over her shock. She rises from the couch, tucking her phone into her back pocket but she doesn’t approach Mina past that.

“You’re home,” Jihyo says.

There’s something like relief in her tone and it feeds into Mina’s hope.

“I am,” Mina says. “You… you’re here too.”

She’s scared to ask why. Scared to say or do anything that might make Jihyo realize that she actually doesn’t want to be here. She’s never had to walk on eggshells around Jihyo before. It feels wrong, uncomfortable but if it’ll keep Jihyo from leaving, she’ll do it.

“Where were you last night?”

“Huh?”

The question startles Mina and she examines Jihyo’s expression, finding a pleasant smile that doesn’t fit the situation.

“You weren’t here. I came by because I forgot some stuff and you weren’t home. I waited for a while, but you never came back. So I figured I had to come today and check on you.”

“You forgot some stuff?” Mina asks.

She tries to hold onto it but the hope dims.

“Yeah, I left some work papers that I needed here,” Jihyo says casually, hand waving in the general direction of the coffee table where she always left her work files. “I expected to see you and I thought we could talk a little bit more since you didn’t seem to be in a place to do that when I left, but you never came home. So were you out or something?”

Jihyo’s voice takes on a strange tone on that last question. The casualness suddenly becomes forced. But Mina is too nauseous to analyze it. Jihyo hadn’t come back for her. Just some work papers. She hadn’t come for Mina. She didn’t come back to apologize or beg Mina to take her back or tell her that she made a mistake. There was no remorse in her expression, no regret.

“What do you care where I was?” Mina asks, trying for defiant but her voice wavering far too much. 

“Of course I care,” Jihyo says, but her voice lacks the desperation that would indicate that she feels anything near what Mina is. “We were together three years. Even if we break up, that doesn’t just go away.”

Doesn’t it? Mina wants to ask, wants to scream. Didn’t it just go away for you?

Jihyo is so goddamn calm while Mina is starting to lose her grip on reality a little bit. To see her so unaffected only adds on to the hurt that Mina had been feeling. Three years together and she does nothing to show it. Mina curls her hands into fists by her side to try to stop their trembling, but it just makes her whole body shake instead.

“Look,” Jihyo says when Mina doesn’t answer. “I didn’t come here for a fight. I just wanted to know what you were up to last night.”

It would be easy to tell her that she went to Sana’s. Jihyo wouldn’t question it at all. The thought has probably already occurred to her. But Mina wants to gain some sort of control over the situation. Maybe she can’t stop Jihyo from leaving, maybe she can’t change her mind or her feelings. But Jihyo wants this information and Mina can, for the first time since they met, not give her what she wants. It feels like an act of rebellion.

“It’s none of your business,” she says, stepping past Jihyo to drop her briefcase in her room.

“Come on, Mina,” Jihyo says, following. “Don’t be like that. I know we broke up, but we can still be friends, you know? I was hoping we would still be. I was going to give you some time, but I still want you in my life.”

You had me, Mina thinks. You had me but didn’t want me.

But as much as she wants to scream, she can’t bring herself to. She doesn’t have the energy, and she doesn’t want to fight Jihyo. She takes a deep breath to hold back the aching, angry feeling and almost immediately regrets it when it threatens to turn into a sob.

“Please just leave,” she says. “Just… go.”

“Mina,” Jihyo says softly, stepping into her space in a way that makes every muscle in Mina’s body tense with the conflicting desires to run and pull her closer. “I’m just worried about you. It’s not like you to not come home at night.”

She places a hand on Mina’s arm. The touch is soft, but it makes Mina feel like she’s being electrocuted. She tries to pull her arm back, but Jihyo follows the motion until there’s only inches between them. Mina can feel the warmth from her body, is hyperaware of every place they are almost touching. There’s a familiarity in her, a feeling of muscle memory telling her to fall into Jihyo’s arms. But Jihyo’s expression holds her back. She looks worried but… not enough, not in a way that matters. Not how she used to look at Mina. 

“Leave me alone,” Mina says. “Just go. You don’t get to be worried. You don’t get to come into my house and-“

“It’s our house,” Jihyo says. “My name is still on the lease. I can come if I want.”

Mina fights back a sob. She fights back the urge to scream. She holds her fists by her sides so that she won’t reach up and slap Jihyo.

“You walked out,” she says instead, hollowly. “You left me. You think you still have the right to call this place yours when you-“

“Mina?”

Sana’s voice cuts through the moment like a knife, stopping Mina’s words in their tracks. Jihyo turns away to look towards the front door as Sana slips in. In her expression Mina finds true concern, vibrant and clear in a way Jihyo’s isn’t. Sana freezes when she sees Jihyo, her expression morphing almost immediately into rage. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she spits, striding across the room, to protectively pull a frozen Mina behind her.

“This is my apartment,” Jihyo reminds cooly. “I’m allowed to be here.”

“Fuck you,” Sana says. “Go fuck yourself. You are such a dick.”

“Look, I appreciate that you’re, like… looking out for your friend or whatever, but this is between me and Mina. You can-“

“There is nothing between you and Mina,” Sana says.

Jihyo’s brow furrows in frustration.

“We were having a conversation.”

“And I’m ending it. Mina, come on, let’s go.”

Mina feels like she’s watching the exchange through a veil. She’s so overwhelmed that nothing is processing correctly. She’s mostly focused on Jihyo’s face, on the clear frustration, but also on the way that she isn’t looking at Mina anymore at all. Hasn’t even glanced at her since Sana walked in. Mina hates that she doesn’t know how to look away.

She only realizes what Sana had said when she feels her tugging at her wrist to get her to move. She falls into step behind her automatically, eyes not straying from Jihyo as they walk out. Jihyo looks annoyed but not upset. When her eyes finally leave Sana’s to meet Mina’s, she shoots Mina a smile, a wave, and mouths something that looks like ‘I’ll see you later.’ Mina has no clue what to do with that but then she’s getting pulled through her own front door and she finally catches up to what’s happening.

Part of her wants to get mad and tell Sana that she can’t just kidnap her, that Mina had wanted to finish hashing things out with Jihyo, that she wanted to be able to stay in her apartment, but most of her is glad to just be out of the situation. She adjusts her stride so that she’s walking next to Sana instead of being dragged along with her, but Sana doesn’t release her hand.

Sana is agitated. Her eyes a little wild and breathing uneven. She’s still angry. Mina is convinced that if Sana weren’t concerned with getting Mina away from Jihyo as soon as possible, she would go back upstairs to physically fight Jihyo. Mina, despite her own reeling emotions, feels the need to calm her best friend down. She pulls Sana to a gentle stop and takes her other hand, running her fingers on the backs of her hands.

“How did you know to come?” she asks, mostly as a distraction.

Sana clenches her jaw for a second before relaxing marginally, her grip on Mina’s hand loosening but not releasing.

“I called you. You weren’t answering. I got worried.”

Mina reaches into her back pocket to check her phone and sees five missed calls and three text messages arriving just after she had entered her apartment. Jihyo had distracted her too much for her to notice.

“Sorry,” Mina says.

Sana looks at her, eyeing her expression carefully and then pulls Mina into her arms. She’s warm against Mina and feels solid even if she’s still shaking with barely repressed anger.

“Don’t be sorry,” Sana says. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s that bitch that should be apologizing.”

The instinct to defend Jihyo is immediate, even as a voice in the back of her head whispers that she doesn’t deserve it anymore.

“She shouldn’t,” Mina says. “She doesn’t… she didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Mina, what the fuck are you talking about? She-“

“She lost interest,” Mina says, doing her best to get the words out without crying. “It’s not really her fault. I just wasn't good enough and she-“

“No,” Sana says. “No, don’t you dare blame yourself for this. Don’t you dare let her get into your head. You are perfect. You are wonderful. She doesn’t deserve you.”

Mina just shrugs. Sana’s frown deepens and then the anger seems to flow out of her, and she leans in to press her forehead against Mina’s. For a second Mina thinks Sana is going to kiss her but instead she just takes a deep breath. They stay like that breathing the same air until Sana has calmed.

"I love you, you know that right?" Sana asks.

"Yeah, I know," Mina answers. "I love you too, Satang."

Sana nods and then pulls away, squeezing Mina's hands gently. 

“Come on,” she says softly. “Let’s go home.”

Sana doesn’t give Mina an inch of space, helping her out of her work coat and carefully placing her bag by the door before taking her hand and dragging her to the kitchen. She nudges Mina to sit up on the counter near the stove, handing her a glass of water and telling her to drink with a stern expression. She asks Mina about her day, very carefully avoiding the way it had ended, and chatters about her own as she cooks. When she finishes cooking, she takes a seat next to Mina to eat instead of across the table so that she can feed her bites when she sees Mina might not eat enough.

“Thank you,” Mina says later, as she does the dishes.

“You’re the one doing the dishes. I should be thanking you?”

“You cooked, obviously I should do the dishes. But, no, I meant… thank you for… finding me earlier. For… I don’t know. Just thank you.”

Sana doesn’t say anything for a second, but she slides her arms around Mina’s waist and lets out a frustrated breath against the back of Mina’s neck that sends chills down her spine. Mina feels the urge to comfort her but for now simply allows her continue to hold her. As soon as she puts the last plate into the dish rack, Mina turns around with the intent to soothe but finds herself frozen by the intensity of Sana’s gaze. Their new position has Mina caged against the sink, Sana’s arms on the counter by her waist and body leaning towards her. Mina grips at the counter behind her to steady to herself.

“I’ll come to you whenever you need me,” Sana says softly. “Especially if it’s to save you from that-“ Sana has to take a deep breath to calm herself, “You are so good, Mina. You are smart and beautiful and kind and caring, and you deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be taken care of, to be protected when things are hard. She’s not good enough for you. She never cared about you the way she should and now she thinks she can break up with you and then break into your apartment and corner you and pretend that she didn’t do anything wrong and-“

Sana’s anger is clearly about to bubble out of control again and though Mina has some things she would like to say – about how Jihyo isn’t who Sana was painting her as and how maybe Jihyo deserved better than Mina and that was maybe the problem all along – she doesn’t think it would be well-received. So she settles on just trying to soothe her best friend in the only way she can think to in the moment and presses her lips against her mouth, cutting off her rant.

Sana sinks into it immediately, hands moving from the counter to the small of Mina’s back to pull her against her. The kiss soothes Sana instantly, all the tension flowing out of her immediately. And it soothes Mina as well. The tumultuous emotions that she had been holding back since finding Jihyo in her apartment, seem to dissipate and she feels her own shoulders unclench as she licks up into Sana’s mouth. Sana makes a small sound as she does, and it distracts Mina even further, and she suddenly finds herself very interested in getting Sana to make that sounds again. Her hands find Sana’s shoulders and then trail down trail down to her collarbones and then lower until they can brush over Sana’s chest. Sana makes the sound again. Mina presses in harder and Sana groans into her mouth.

Mina makes her decision right then, pushing against her until they’re making their way through Sana’s apartment, kissing messily and gripping onto each other as they try to coordinate their walking. By the time they arrive in Sana’s bedroom, Sana has lost her shirt and bra, and Mina has latched onto her neck, sucking and licking at the soft skin there.

They hit the bed and Mina is jolted away as Sana falls back clumsily to sit on the edge. Mina wonders what the hell she’s doing as her body moves without her explicit permission to straddle Sana’s hips. It strikes her again that this is her best friend, and they shouldn’t be doing this. But Sana’s eyes are a little hazy and hooded in such an inviting way that Mina can’t bring herself to overthink it. She kisses Sana again, bringing her hands up into her hair and bunching it her hands to tilt Sana’s head back at a better angle. Sana makes the sound again and Mina forgets what she was worrying about.

“I can’t stay here forever,” Mina says firmly.

“You can!” Sana insists, taking on that stubborn look that Mina knows all too well.

Mina fights the urge to roll her eyes. The last few days have been the same argument (just a conversation, Sana would say, not an argument) over and over. The last few times Sana had won, stating that it was just a few days, just for a little bit. But it’s been almost a week and Mina needs to go home.

“I can’t,” Mina doubles down. “I need fresh clothes at the very least and-“

“We can go pick some up and bring them back.”

“Sana, no. I can’t… I can’t hide here. I need to be able to go back and live there normally otherwise what the hell am I paying rent for?”

“What if she shows up again?” Sana asks. “What will you do then?”

Mina doesn’t have an answer for that. Her throat already feels tight just thinking about it. She doesn’t have any defenses against Jihyo. Never has. She tries to imagine what might have happened last time if Sana hadn’t shown up when she did and she knows that she would have eventually given Jihyo whatever she wanted.

“I’ll handle it,” Mina says, trying to sound confident.

Sana’s pout deepens into a frown. She seems like she’s going to argue more, but then she sighs in defeat. 

“At least let me go with you,” Sana says, pleadingly. “You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

“No, Sana,” Mina says. “I don’t… I want to be able to do this alone,”

“But you don’t have to do this alone,” Sana says softly. “It’s okay to ask for help.”

She suddenly looks so dejected that Mina feels bad, and she slips closer to grab Sana’s hand and squeeze it once to reassure her.

“I know,” Mina says. “But I’ve asked plenty of you already. I need to know that I can do this without you.”

“But why?”

The question is so genuine, and Sana’s expression is so innocent that for a second Mina questions it herself too. But then she shakes her head and sighs.

“I need to know that I can handle this when you’re not around. I can’t-“

“That won’t ever happen,” Sana says firmly. “I’ll always be here for you.”

The promise is so sincere, and Sana has really never given Mina any reason to doubt. And yet… there’s a part of Mina that looks at Sana and is terrified. Jihyo had made the same promise. Many times. And she was able to leave apparently with little fuss. Mina doesn’t want to doubt Sana, who has been by her side without fail for ten years, and she doesn’t… not really. But that nagging voice in the back of her mind just won’t stay quiet.

“Still,” Mina says, trying to keep her tone even so that Sana can’t hear the anxiety in it, “Even if you’ll be here, I need to know that I can do it alone. For me.”

Sana doesn’t seem happy with that conclusion, but she also doesn’t seem to have any way of arguing against it. She chews at her lip hesitantly for a couple of seconds before sighing in defeat.

“Okay,” she says. “But if she’s there or if you are too lonely or if anything happens, call me. I’ll come get you.”

The apartment is too quiet. Even with the sounds of the city down below Mina feels like she can hear each of her own breaths and heartbeats far too clearly. The light on her night table is still on and though she definitely won’t sleep as well, she can’t bring herself to turn it off. The darkness allows for the worst of the emotions to creep in.

She can’t help but imagine Jihyo showing up now, even though it’s late. She imagines her coming in with apologies on her lips and ‘I miss you’s’ and then imagines her sliding to bed behind her as she used to, to curve her body against Mina’s and press a kiss to her forehead.

Just imagining it makes Mina feel stupid, but she can’t get the thoughts out of her mind no matter how hard she tries. It only makes her bed feel colder and emptier and she can’t stop the tears. Sana would be disappointed, Mina thinks. She would be upset knowing that Mina is here crying on her own. Upset that Mina is crying over Jihyo. Upset that Mina hadn’t called her when she needed.

Mina debates calling her now, knowing that even though it’s nearly midnight, Sana would be out the door and in Mina’s apartment as quickly as she physically could. But she won’t. She refuses. She can do this on her own. She can. She has to be able to.

“How have you been doing?” Chaeyoung asks. “Are you okay?”

“Not really,” Mina answers honestly because she knows that no other answer would be believed.

Chaeyoung scrunches up her face in empathy and leans against her side.

“Sana told me you spent a few nights at her place but that you went back to your apartment a few nights ago. Have you been sleeping okay?”

Mina tries not to tense up. The last thing she needs is Chaeyoung picking up on what she and Sana had gotten up to those nights Mina had spent at her place. She knows Sana would never tell but she’s afraid that if she says too much, Chaeyoung will somehow just know. She knows them both too well.

“I… a little,” she says. “It’s been hard but it’s getting better.”

“You know if you want company I’m always down for a sleepover.”

“Yeah, I know,” Mina says. “Thanks. But I want to be able to do this on my own.”

“Even if Jihyo comes back to the apartment?”

Mina glances at her.

“Sorry,” Chaeyoung says a little sheepishly. “Sana told me about what happened. She’s just worried.”

Mina sighs without any real anger. She knows Sana is worried and she probably would also have told Chaeyoung if the situations had been reversed.

“I don’t think she’ll come back,” Mina says. “She… she didn’t seem to… she just needed some work papers. I don’t think she has any desire to see me.”

There’s silence as Chaeyoung clearly struggles to find something to say. Mina knows there isn’t anything that would help so she just keeps talking.

“She just… I don’t get what happened. I thought she loved me and then one day she broke up with me and… you should have seen her when she came to the apartment that night. It was like she was talking to a stranger. She didn’t seem upset or sad or bothered or anything. I don’t- I don’t get it.”

“You didn’t notice anything leading up to it?”

“No. I’ve thought about it constantly since and I just… we were good. I really can’t think of anything. We would go on dates and hang out and we never fought. She would always go out of her way for me, and I was,” Mina feels her throat tighten and has to swallow to be able to continue speaking, “I was happy. I thought she was too.”

Chaeyoung, probably hearing how her voice strains to hold back tears, shifts so she can wrap her arms around Mina’s shoulders.

“It’s going to be okay. You’re… you’re better off without her. Really. I mean it wholeheartedly. If she couldn’t see how wonderful and amazing you are, you’re better off. So just focus on yourself and on your own happiness and things will get better.”

Mina wants to believe her. She really, really does. But she doesn’t know who she’s supposed to be if not Jihyo’s and she’s terrified that maybe she’ll never figure it out.

Mina is midway through an incredibly terrible weekday that had begun with what was supposed to be an hour long meeting that had extended into two and a half hours, followed a mistake one of the interns had made on a data set they had been working on for the last week that she had to scramble to fix, and punctuated by her co-worker accidentally spilling coffee on some reports she had due. The jammed printer was really just the cherry on top.

She had started reassuring herself, as a last ditch effort to not lose her sanity, that at least the day couldn’t get any worse. But the universe decided to take that challenge. She gets scolded by her boss for the late reports and as soon as she returns to her desk, she checks her phone to find a couple of new text messages.

It’s a bummer that we got interrupted a couple nights ago. I’d really like to talk some more. Clear the air and get some closure.

Let me know when you’re free.

Mina stares at Jihyo’s contact photo. It was from a wedding they had attended for one of Jihyo’s high school friends. Jihyo had been dressed in a gorgeous navy dress that had Mina fumbling over her words all night. She’d always thought Jihyo was beautiful, but she’d felt like a teenager with a crush that night even though they had been together for a couple of years already. Jihyo had teased her heavily for being so flustered but had also told her with red-tipped ears that she thought Mina looked pretty in her own light pink gown.

She had to have been in love with Mina then… right? That’s what that look had been, all blushing and shy. Mina hasn’t dated anyone beside Jihyo so she doesn’t have much to compare to other than the movies, but it had to have meant something. She doesn’t know anymore and, as she looks at Jihyo’s picture now, she can’t muster up the fondness or joy that she’d felt when it was taken. It all just hurts now.

She doesn’t answer Jihyo’s text immediately. She could just say no and also tell Jihyo to never text her again. She could ignore the message and hope Jihyo leaves her alone. But she knows that she won’t do either. For better or for worse, she’s aching to see Jihyo again. Misses her even if she’s hurt. And there’s also a part of her that wants to know what Jihyo has to say beyond the half-baked platitudes she’d offered when she’d left. She wants to know what day exactly Jihyo fell out of love and what Mina had done to make it happen.

She manages to make it to the end of the work day without responding to the message. She tells herself that she’ll do it after work, that Jihyo deserves to wait just a bit. It takes every inch of self-control that she has to hold off, and as soon as she’s on the bus she types out a response.

Meet me at the Starbucks on 5^th after work tomorrow.

“You should come over tonight.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t tonight.”

“Why notttt?” Sana’s voice is whiny and even over the phone Mina can picture her pouting expression perfectly. “We can watch movies. Or do a little spa night. I haven’t done my nails in a while. It’ll be relaxing.”

“I can’t,” Mina says. “I’m busy tonight.”

“With what?”

Mina had really hoped against hope that Sana wouldn’t ask, but it was foolish to think she wouldn’t. Sana was fundamentally curious and the person she had always been most curious about was Mina. But she can’t tell Sana the truth. The truth being that right now she’s sitting in a coffee shop a few blocks from her office waiting for her ex-girlfriend to walk through the door and tell her all the reasons she broke up with her.

Sana would come immediately. She’d drag Mina out of the shop and if Jihyo arrived before she managed to do that, she’d curse Jihyo out for good measure. Mina remembers how upset Sana had been the last time she and Jihyo had been in the same room. She would really like to avoid a repeat experience.

“I just have some stuff to do.”

“You’re being weirdly cagey. Why?”

“I’m not being cagey. I just… don’t want to get into details right now.”

Sana is silent on the other end of the line for a concerning amount of time.

“Okay,” she says eventually, though she’s clearly a little upset and very confused. “Will you tell me after? And can we… can I see you after you’re done with whatever it is you’re doing?”

“It might be late,” Mina says. “We can just meet up tomorrow.”

“I don’t care how late it is,” Sana says. “I always tell you that. You can come whenever. And… I miss you.”

Mina can’t stop the smile that rises to her cheeks at the softness in Sana’s tone.

“It’s been two days since we last saw each other, Satang,” she says.

“I knowww, it’s been forever. I miss you. Please?”

Mina sighs. She has no clue what mental state she’s going to be in after this conversation with Jihyo. She doesn’t want to burden Sana further, nor does she want to drag down her mood at all.

“I’ll think about it,” Mina says. “No promises. Don’t wait up.”

Mina can practically hear Sana’s pout on the other end of the line.

“Okay, fine. But if you don’t come, I’m going to be at your apartment at 10 am tomorrow.”

Mina laughs a little and nods though she knows Sana can’t see it.

“Deal.”

Just as the word leaves Mina’s mouth, she catches sight of Jihyo pushing into the shop.

“Look, Sana, I have to go, but I’ll see you.”

“Okay, Mitang! I’ll see you. I love you!”

“I love you, too. Bye.”

Mina hangs up and shoves her phone into her purse just as Jihyo takes the seat across from her.

“Your mother?” Jihyo asks, nodding towards where Mina’s phone is in her purse.

Her tone is so goddamn casual. It rakes at Mina’s nerves. She doesn’t get it. She really, really doesn’t. The person in front of her can’t be the same girl that told her she loved her over and over, the one that held her and kissed her like she was precious, the one that had promised not with a ring yet but with whispered words that she would be with her forever. What happened to all of that? How can she sit here, having broken up with her, and act like there’s nothing wrong?

“No,” Mina answers.

“Who then?” Jihyo asks.

“That’s not what we came here to talk about,” Mina says.

She wants answers from Jihyo, not to have small talk about who Mina was talking to on the phone. As if that matters at all. She doesn’t understand why Jihyo even cares.

“Well, I want to talk about it,” Jihyo says, voice taking a harsher turn.

“It’s none of your business. You were the one who wanted to talk about us. So let’s get on with it.”

“Tell me who you were on the phone with.”

She could tell her. But now she doesn’t want to. Just on principle. It’s her business who she was on the phone with. And her business isn’t Jihyo’s anymore. Jihyo made sure of that.

“Why does it matter? Why do you care?”

“Because you’re acting weird.”

“I- I’m acting weird?”

Mina’s voice is too shrill. She knows it is. Knows that she’s going to draw the attention of the other patrons. She tries to control herself a little but feels that it’s in vain. 

“Yeah. It’s suspicious. You weren’t home that one time even though you never stay out late like that. Especially on a work night. And now you’re saying ‘I love you’ on a phone call but don’t want to tell me who it is… It’s only been two weeks since we broke up. Just makes me wonder if there’s something I should have been aware of before.”

The Jihyo’s expression is a dark - a little frustrated, a little annoyed. It takes a second for Mina to piece together what she’s insinuating but as soon as it sinks in Mina gapes at her.

“Are you accusing me of cheating?”

There’s nothing she can do to control her voice now. She’s feeling… she can’t even label what she’s feeling. Fury for sure. Anger. Disappointment. Hurt. So much fucking hurt. She had never so much as looked at anyone else while she was with Jihyo. Her whole mind had often felt like it was thinking only ‘Jihyo, Jihyo, Jihyo’ on repeat. It hadn’t even occurred to her that cheating might be something she would want to do. For Jihyo to accuse her of that after she was the one who ended things is just… it leaves Mina reeling.

“The timeline is suspicious, you have to admit.”

“Is that what you think of me? You think I would cheat on you? Is that why you broke up with me?”

“Well, I didn’t think so at the time,” Jihyo says. “But now I’m wondering.”

“Well, stop wondering. You broke up with me and now you have audacity to ask if I cheated? Should I be asking you that?”

“I didn’t cheat,” Jihyo says, having the absolute gall to sound offended by the accusation.

Mina wants to pull her hair out. She wants to shake Jihyo. Her hands are trembling as her body tries to process all the emotions she’s feeling. Mina tries to remember a time before where she’s been this angry and comes up empty. She hates it. She doesn’t want to be angry at Jihyo. It feels like it goes against her very nature to be angry at her like this. She wants to go back in time to two weeks ago where she loved her still and Jihyo loved her back. It’s slowly starting to sink in that that’s not going to be a possibility. She can’t do this anymore. She stands.

“Where are you going?”

“Home,” Mina says. “You clearly don’t actually want to talk and I’m not going sit here and be accused of something I haven’t done.”

“Wait, Mina,” Jihyo says, reaching out to grab her wrist. “Don’t go. We have a lot to talk about. Just tell me who you were on the phone with and where you were that night and we can just-“

Mina wrenches her arm out of Jihyo’s grip and all but runs away. Her emotions are threatening to overtake her entirely and she knows that if she hears another word out of Jihyo’s mouth, she’s going to do something she regrets. Her hands are still shaking as she pulls her phone out of her bag and orders an Uber.

The ride to Sana’s apartment is too short for Mina’s anger to fully cool so when Sana opens the door for her, she finds herself shoving Sana against the wall in her doorway. Sana’s hands go to Mina’s waist immediately and for a second they seem unsure as to whether or not they should push or pull her closer but when Mina’s lips find hers, they wrap around her waist tightly.

Mina doesn’t give Sana a chance to catch up. She moves quickly, almost angrily biting at Sana’s lips and then her neck as she tugs at her clothes for more access. She’s not quite sure when Sana’s skin became a relaxant for her, isn’t sure why Sana seems to be the only thing that helps when she’s feeling out of control, but she can’t question it right now. She’s much too busy guiding Sana hurriedly away from the wall to the couch, mouth not letting up from where her teeth trace at Sana’s shoulders. Mina lightly shoves Sana onto the couch, barely giving her a second to adjust before she’s moving to lie on top of her.

“Wait, Mina, Mitang,” Sana gasps under her. “Hold on.”

Mina pulls back, Sana’s voice bringing a little bit of clarity. Her vision is still hazy with anger and she’s having trouble actually focusing on Sana’s face but Sana helps by bringing her hands up to cup her cheeks and steady her.

“What happened?” Sana asked. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Mina lies, trying to dip back down to kiss Sana.

Sana doesn’t let her, holds her steady and solid.

“Mitang,” she says softly. “What’s going on?”

Mina shakes her head. She doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s not ready and she doesn’t want to admit to Sana that she fucked up. She agreed to meet Jihyo thinking that maybe she could have a conversation, but she couldn’t, and she got hurt even when Sana told her to be careful.

“Please,” she whispers. “I need… I need-“

Sana brushes her thumbs softly against Mina’s cheeks soothingly.

“What do you need, Mitang?”

“You,” Mina whispers, like it’s a secret. “I need you.”

Sana smiles and lets her hands slide from Mina’s cheeks to the back of her neck and pulls her in gently. It’s slower now because Sana forces it to be, re-directing Mina every time she tries to speed it up. When Mina tries to lick into her mouth, Sana pulls away to kiss a slow path against the column of throat, only returning to her lips when Mina seems to calm down. When Mina tries to slip her hands under Sana’s shirt, Sana twines her fingers between Mina’s own, holding them tightly against the couch. When Mina tries to grind into her thigh, Sana shifts so that the angle doesn’t work as well, and Mina finds herself grinding into thin air.

At first it leaves Mina writhing against her, frustrated and pent up and still feeling the aftershocks of her fury, but bit by bit, Sana pulls the anger out of her. The languid movement of her lips keeps a slow and steady pace that Mina is forced to meet. Sana eventually releases Mina’s hands, to bring her own up to Mina’s back to trace in a repetitive motion up and down her spine, scratching her nails slightly against the nape of her neck when they travel high enough. Before she knows it, Mina is melting against Sana’s body.

When Mina fully relaxes against her, Sana pulls away just far enough to press her nose against Mina’s.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Mina whimpers and buries her face into Sana’s neck. Sana doesn’t push her, just runs her fingers through Mina’s hair, still trying to calm her further. It works bit by bit. Mina’s mind has started to clear but it leaves her only with this aching sense of guilt. Maybe Jihyo was right to accuse Mina of cheating. After all… she had been at Sana’s that night, had slept with her and it had been Sana on the phone and now here she is, mouth bruised from how hard she had been kissing her and… this is all wrong.

“Mitang,” Sana says softly. “Baby.”

The pet name scares Mina. She’d occasionally gotten ‘babe’ before from Sana, but she was always partial to ‘honey’, sometimes ‘sweetheart’ when she was feeling extra mushy. But ‘baby’ is new. ‘Baby’ feels different. Mina whimpers again.

“Shhh,” Sana reassures. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You can tell me when you’re ready. Just relax now okay? I’ve got you.”

It’s selfish to sink into Sana further, let her weight rest on her entirely, and push the nagging thoughts to the back of her mind. Sana is just so warm and so soft against her and Mina can’t do this without her.

“You’re going to be okay, Mitang,” Sana says, pressing her lips to Mina’s forehead.

“Before I say anything… can you promise me that you won’t tell Sana about this conversation?”

Chaeyoung looks at Mina in utter confusion. It’s warranted, Mina supposes. She’s never made a request like that before and Sana was always the first person to know everything in her life.

“I… Yeah, I guess but why don’t you want her to know?”

Mina sighs.

“It’s… it’s complicated. She told me not to meet up with Jihyo and I did and now… just don’t tell her please. I need to talk to someone, and it has to be you, but I don’t want her to know.”

“I don’t like it,” Chaeyoung says, “But okay. I promise.”

“Okay, thank you,” Mina says. “So a few days ago Jihyo texted me and…”

She tells Chaeyoung everything about her meeting with Jihyo. About how casual her ex had seemed, the cheating accusations, even how Mina had gone to Sana’s right after, furious and shaking and in desperate need of being calmed down. She leaves out the tiny detail that she had kissed Sana, had pushed her down on the couch and tried to undress her. That part is a whole can of worms that she can’t even begin to think about processing yet. And she’s scared of what Chaeyoung would think of her.

“I’m just so confused,” she finishes eventually. “I feel like it’s not Jihyo that I’m talking to. It’s some other… stranger, I guess. When we were together, she was always so nice and attentive and kind and now it’s the opposite. And she seems not to care but then gets jealous. I don’t know. I don’t get it.”

Chaeyoung leans back in her seat, arms crossed and expression thoughtful.

“Do you know what love bombing is?” she asks eventually.

“Huh?”

“It’s when someone gives a lot of attention and compliments and stuff in order to get something in return essentially. It’s an over-simplification but generally… yeah. Jihyo was always so, well, so affectionate with you. She would compliment you constantly and would want to spend time with you all the time and would give you gifts and stuff, remember?”

Mina thinks back to the Rolex Jihyo had gotten her for their first anniversary together. Remembers feeling somehow both incredibly flattered that Jihyo would make such an effort for her and at the same time intimidated by the size of the gift. Jihyo hadn’t seemed at all put off by the hand-crocheted bag that Mina had made and had complimented it over and over again until Mina’s face had turned red.

“Love bombing is a manipulation tactic,” Chaeyoung continues. “Essentially, you make someone feel so loved through grand gestures that they give you their love in return and they overlook any bad stuff. I’ve seen it before in some of my friends. Jihyo was more subtle with it, but it was there sometimes.”

A crease forms between Mina’s eyebrows.

“Have you always felt this way about her?”

Chaeyoung shifts awkwardly in her seat and then nods without looking at Mina.

“Chaeyoung… we were together for three years. Did you feel that way from the start?”

“Yeah, I mean I remember on your second date, she rented out that boat. It must have cost a few hundred thousand won at least which is a lot more than I’ve ever spent on a second date. It was just a little weird how much she tried, I guess. When you told me about the watch and about that trip to Hawaii that she planned and how she showed up to your work with flowers -“

“It was romantic,” Mina defends.

“I guess… but it was also a lot. Like way too much. I often thought that if I were in your position, I would have felt smothered by it.”

Mina tries to think of if she ever felt that way. Maybe… maybe sometimes. The watch certainly had thrown her off. Showing up at her office with the flowers had also been surprising the first few times until Mina got used to it. Mina didn’t even like flowers that much because she hated having to watch them die after a few days, had said as much to Jihyo once but it hadn’t seemed to sink in. So yes, maybe sometimes Jihyo’s attention on her was heavy, but most of the time it just made her feel loved, lucky to have someone who was willing to do that much for her. It feels strange to have Chaeyoung finding fault in it now.

“If you felt that way why didn’t you every say anything?”

“You looked happy and she… it seemed harmless mostly. I didn’t know how to bring it up. You were so in love with her.”

“But you… you thought it was bad.”

Chaeyoung shakes her head slowly. She takes her time picking the next few words carefully.

“Bad… isn’t quite the right word. It’s not like any of that stuff is bad, per se, I just thought it was a little weird. Normally when you love someone… I guess, I always felt like she was compensating for something but I never knew what. But, as I said, you seemed happy.”

Mina had been happy. Jihyo had always made her feel adored. Being her first real relationship, Jihyo’s attention had been both addicting and reassuring. Anytime Mina’s insecurities bubbled up, Jihyo was ready with praise and adoration that Mina sometimes wondered if she deserved, but Jihyo seemed to mean every word and Mina had no reason to doubt it.

“I thought it was real,” Chaeyoung says. “Even if she was doing all that, I still thought she loved you and maybe didn’t know how else to express it… I guess now I’m looking at it differently.”

“I’m so confused,” Mina confesses.

“I understand,” Chaeyoung says. “It’s hard having someone you thought you knew turn out to be someone else.”

“I just… I can’t believe she thought I was cheating. I’ve never even… I never even considered that a possibility.”

“She probably is trying to make you into the bad guy so that she doesn’t have to feel bad about breaking up with you.”

It sounds so unlike the Jihyo that Mina knew, but Mina is starting to realize that maybe she didn’t know Jihyo at all. Maybe Chaeyoung is right. 

“Who were you with that night?” Chaeyoung asks. “And the phone call?”

“I… just a friend,” Mina says.

She’s not sure why she’s lying to Chaeyoung, but she’s scared that if she admits it, Chaeyoung might magically know what she and Sana had gotten up to that night. The honest answer shouldn’t ring any alarm bells and yet… Mina feels like she has a secret to keep.

“A friend? Sana?”

Mina has to actively fight against a reaction with Chaeyoung says her name. It’s the obvious guess, the correct guess, and yet Mina has to fight the urge to ask, ‘why would you assume Sana?’.  That would definitely draw suspicions. So she does her best to sound casual when she says, “No just another friend. Someone you don’t know.”

Chaeyoung looks skeptical for a second but then just shrugs.

“I didn’t know you had friends I don’t know.”

“Ah, yeah,” Mina thinks she keeps her voice from trembling. “She’s a new friend. From work.”

Chaeyoung seems to accept that lie easily enough and Mina internally breathes a sigh of relief.

“You know,” Chaeyoung says after a few moments of silence. “I know it’s hard right now, but you’re going to be okay. You deserve better than Jihyo and you’ll starting to realize that eventually and it’ll all start to get better. And in the meantime you have me. And Sana. And your mystery work friend, too I guess. We’ll all make sure you’re okay.”

Mina nods and leans against Chaeyoung’s shoulder, dropping her head to rest against hers.

“Thanks, Chaeng.”

“Anytime, love.”

It hadn’t even been that hard of a day. Work had been boring. And sure, she hadn’t slept well the night before, dreams of Jihyo walking out the door with cruel words on her lips haunting her. But she’s been getting used to those and Mina has had worse days than this. And yet… she finds herself on Sana’s bed at the end of the day, having the tension in her muscles drawn out of her by Sana’s now familiar fingers.

Sana looks down at her and whispers reassurances as she always does, pressing kisses to Mina’s cheek and neck and lips and Mina is frankly having trouble keeping up with it all. But she can’t bring herself to care. She won’t be able to care until after she’s made a mess of Sana’s hand and hopefully even then she’ll be too blissed out to muster a fuck to give.

Sana curls her fingers in a way that she’s learned Mina likes best and it does something to her brain. She does it again and Mina can’t stop herself from grinding firmly into her hand.

“Sana,” Mina gasps, clutching at her shoulders for something anything grounding to hold onto.

“It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you,” Sana says softly as she presses a kiss to Mina’s forehead. “Let go.”

And Mina does, tensing up against Sana and whimpering into her mouth when Sana presses their lips together, before falling back completely limp into the mattress. She struggles a little to catch her breath as she comes down and twitches as Sana pulls her soaked fingers away. Sana laughs softly, warmly and the vibration of it against Mina’s lips send tingles through Mina’s already buzzing body.

Sana relaxes against Mina’s side as they continue to make out lazily and slides her hand to warp around Mina’s waist. Her fingers tracing nonsensical patterns against her ribs. She only pulls away from the kiss when it threatens to get heated again. She shifts to rest her cheek against Mina’s shoulder and continues tracing her fingers along Mina’s sides. Mina revels in the warm fuzziness in her brain for a bit, letting herself float through it. But as always, it only lasts for so long.

Her conversation with Chaeyoung a couple of days ago had completely taken up Mina’s mind, forcing her to rethink her relationship with Jihyo from it’s inception. There are moments that, as they get reexamined, Mina has started to doubt. The gifts are only one part of it. She thinks of how many of Jihyo's compliments would come as a preface to asking for something. And about how Jihyo had not once apologized after an argument, instead just buying Mina flowers or chocolate, and once a new phone, until Mina couldn’t be angry anymore. At the time, Mina had just thought Jihyo was being an adoring girlfriend.

“Do you know what love bombing is?” Mina asks.

Sana hums her assent and Mina can tell that she’s on the verge of sleep. She almost leaves the conversation there, feeling bad for rousing her, but these thoughts are buzzing in her head and she knows that if she doesn’t let them out, they’ll keep her awake all night and Mina could really use the rest.

“Chaeyoung said that Jihyo would do that with me,” Mina says. “Do you also… think that?”

Sana sighs deeply against Mina’s shoulder and there’s something in it, though Mina can’t tell whether it’s disappointment or annoyance or something else entirely. She immediately feels bad for bringing it up, but Sana lifts her head and her expression is soft, if a little conflicted.

“I… yeah I guess so. I never really thought of it, like, in those exact terms, but… yeah,” Sana says. “I sometimes felt, when the three of us were together, that she seemed like she was going through the motions of loving you more than she was actually loving you, if that makes sense?”

Mina knows Sana would never be hurtful on purpose, but Mina feels the sting anyway. She can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is or why, but it makes her sit up and pull away from Sana.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Sana says. “I wasn’t trying to cheapen your relationship with her. I know you loved… love her. I just-“

“It’s fine,” Mina says.

It’s not fine but she had asked the question wanting an honest answer and that’s what she got so she doesn’t really have the right to get mad. It hurts though. Not the fact that Jihyo might not have loved her in the way she’d thought. Their breakup had already clued her into that, her conversation with Chaeyoung only reinforcing it. No, in this moment Mina feels like it’s her relationship with Sana that has cheapened. Which is ridiculous, because she’s naked in her bed after Sana had once again, allowed Mina to use her for comfort, and after Sana had spent hours, days comforting Mina. If there was anyone cheapening their relationship it had to be Mina. And yet… Mina somehow is angry at her. She knows it’s unfair just as much as she knows that she can’t shut it off.

“Mina,” Sana says softly. “I’m sorry. I’m sure… I’m sure it was just in my head. I never knew what you guys were like in private and-“

“Stop,” Mina says. “Just… stop.”

Sana makes a small sound that sounds almost like a sob and hangs her head. Guilt wells up in Mina’s throat. It’s not Sana’s fault. She gave an honest answer and Mina is the one getting angry over it. She knows she’s not being fair. She hasn’t been fair with Sana since the breakup happened and she feels bad, but she also feels so goddamn out of control.

“Why did you never say anything?” Mina asks. “We’re friends. You’re my best friend. You should have said something.”

“I- I… I know. I know. But I thought… you looked so happy when you were with her,” Sana says softly. “I couldn’t figure out if it would be selfish of me to take that from you and I… I thought maybe I was reading too much into it because I’d ask how you and Jihyo were, and you’d always say that you were great, and she made you happy. I… I never want to get in the way of your happiness.”

Mina takes a few deep breaths. It’s not Sana’s fault that Mina couldn’t see the signs. It’s not her job to tell Mina that her girlfriend wasn’t who she thought she was. Mina’s isn’t even sure if she would have believed her. And Sana is speaking so earnestly, and there are tears sliding down her face, brought there because of Mina. Mina feels like she’s being a terrible friend once again.

“I’m sorry,” Mina says. “I’m not being fair to you.”  

Sana shakes her head and shuffles a little closer so that she can tug Mina back down to lie on the bed and tuck her face back into the crook of her neck. She nuzzles against her a little and presses a kiss against Mina’s shoulder.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. If I’d known… if I’d known what she’d do in the end, I would have said something. I wouldn’t have it get so far.”

Mina wonders if it would have been better. She tries to imagine Sana trying to convince her earlier on in her relationship with Jihyo that it wasn’t going to work. She holds Sana in higher regard than anyone in the world, but even so, she can’t imagine Sana being able to change her mind. She had been convinced that Jihyo loved her. Just the way Jihyo looked at her could have convinced her of it. And yet… Sana says she hadn’t felt it, and Mina doesn’t know what to do with that.  If that wasn’t the right way to be loved… Mina isn’t sure what is.

“I love you, Mitang,” Sana whispers against her neck and it sounds like an apology though it shouldn’t.

“I love you too, Satang,” Mina answers hoping Sana hears the apology in her words as well.

Sana just burrows in deeper against her side and breathes slowly until her body relaxes fully into sleep. Mina worries that her mind will be too full of everything to sleep and that the worries will come, but when she focuses on Sana’s breathing, it’s somehow easy to slip away. 

Let’s meet again.

What would be the point? There’s a part of Mina that still aches for Jihyo, but it’s more for the person Mina thought she was rather than the one that she’s shown herself to be. She can’t ever look at Jihyo again and forget everything she’s done to her in the last few weeks. She should be focusing on moving on… not making time to meet with her again just because she demands it.

Mina wishes she could be cold and callous and simply not care. But she isn’t there yet and the text message has her feeling things she can’t even put into words. At this point she isn’t sure what she wants from Jihyo anymore, whether she wants Jihyo to love her or hate her, but she knows she wants something. A reaction of any kind. She wants to know that Jihyo is affected by her.

Why? So you can accuse me of cheating again? No thanks

She wants to rile. To cause a fight. It’s unhealthy. She knows it is. If Chaeyoung were around, right now, she’d be telling her to calm down. Mina doesn’t want to.

No. I want to talk. About us.

That’s what you said last time. And there’s no 'us' to talk about anymore thanks to you

Jihyo doesn’t answer for a while. Mina waits restlessly by her phone until she does, curling her free hand into Sana’s comforter in annoyance.

I don’t want us to be enemies. Let’s meet. Clear the air. It’ll be good for us

So goddamn condescending. Was she always like this? Now that Mina thinks about it… maybe. How the hell did she miss this while they were together? It pisses her off.

Fuck off. You just want to clear your conscience and-

“Who are you texting?”

Mina hastily locks her phone and tucks it away as Sana flops down onto her back next to her. Her hair is still wet from her shower and the tank top and sleep shorts she’d slipped on are distractingly revealing, especially when Sana stretches, arching her back and reaching her arms over her head. She makes a noise of satisfaction and then sighs as she relaxes into the bed.

“Mina?”

“Hmm?”

Mina has to blink a couple times as she tears her eyes away from Sana’s abdomen to clear the sudden haziness in her head.

“I asked who you were texting?”

“Oh…” the haziness fades into shame that Mina has to do everything in her power to mask, “Just Chaeyoung.”

Mina is starting to wonder when she got so good at lying. To Sana, to Jihyo, to Chaeyoung, to herself. Sana used to be able to see right through her, but now she only smirks a little.

“You seem distracted,” she says, a cheshire grin spreading across her lips. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Mina thinks Sana is puffing out her chest on purpose, the low cut of her tank top highlighting her cleavage. It must also be on purpose the way Sana bites her bottom lip when Mina very purposefully forces her gaze back up to Sana’s face. She knows she’s bright red, flushing at the idea of getting caught checking out her best friend.

“I was just…” Mina doesn’t have an excuse ready, and she flushes even more deeply as she stutters over her words and then falls silent.

Sana laughs softly and then rolls over until she’s half hovering over Mina and she can lean down to kiss her. It’s teasing and deliberate all at once and Mina feels her whole face warm up. She can still feel the ghost of Sana’s fingers from earlier and each pass of Sana’s lips against her cheek, her neck, her mouth makes her want to feel them for real again but it’s getting late and-

“Ah!”

A bite to her earlobe sends a shudder down her spine and has her reaching out to clutch at Sana’s forearms where they bracket her against the bed.

“Tell me what you were thinking,” Sana whispers into her ear and Mina whimpers.

It’s hard to form words when Sana’s mouth is doing god knows what against the column of her throat. And it only gets harder when she tracks the kisses down to her collarbones.

“Come on baby, tell me please.”

It sounds half like a command and half like Sana is begging and desperate. Sana pauses in her ministrations and Mina glances up to find a look of such pure desire on Sana’s face that it knocks the wind out of her. She doesn’t really think about it as she pushes Sana back so that they can switch positions. She kisses her with tongue and teeth, making Sana gasp and writhe under her.

“I was thinking how hot you are,” Mina says, the words coming easier now that Sana is the one blushing bright and red.

Sana moans at the words and falls pliant back into the bed. Mina watches her for a second, notes how the blush that paints her cheeks only seems to emphasize the red of lips and the dark of her eyes. She looks wrecked though Mina has barely done anything yet. It occurs to Mina that her best friend is gorgeous, objectively speaking. And Mina had always known that but seeing her like this is something completely different.

“You’re so pretty,” Mina says, and Sana somehow manages to flush even darker.

“Mina, please,” Sana says.

Mina isn’t sure exactly what Sana is begging for, but she has some guesses. She leans down to kiss her again and moves her hands to grasp at her waist. Sana kisses back needily and tries to grind into her.

“Shh,” Mina reassures. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Satang.”

“Let’s get this over with,” Mina says as she sits down across from Jihyo.

She had finally answered her text message, deleting the message she’d half-typed in favor of something more neutral, finding it much easier to be calm with a sated and sleeping Sana in her arms. She’d agreed to meet at the coffee shop again reluctantly but in the hopes that maybe this time they could get their closure and Mina could try moving on with her life.  

“Hello Mina, it’s nice to see you,” Jihyo says, her smile all teeth. “How have you been?”

Mina rolls her eyes.

“Say what you wanted to say,” she says, “Stop messing around.”

“I’m not messing around. I’m being polite.”

Mina has to grit her teeth against the urge to snap at her. She doesn’t want another fruitless meeting that leaves her feeling terrible and off-kilter and as much as she doesn’t want to give any sort of concession to Jihyo, she’s going to have to be the bigger person here.

“I’ve been doing fine. How have you been?” she says, doing her best to keep her tone even.

Jihyo grins at her and Mina can see the satisfaction in her expression at having worn Mina down. Mina takes a deep breath and tries to remind herself that she’s doing this for her own sake.

“I’ve been doing okay. Missing you.”

Mina is starting to recognize what things Jihyo says with the express purpose of riling her up. It’s only as she sees Jihyo watching her, as if trying to gauge her reaction, that she realizes what Jihyo wants. For whatever reason, she wants Mina to be angry with her. Maybe it will be easier to absolve herself of guilt if Mina is angry with her. Or maybe she just gets some sick enjoyment out of pissing her off. Either way, Mina realizes that the way for her to best deny Jihyo what she wants is to deprive her of the reactions she wants. She takes a deep breath and schools her expression into something neutral as she looks at Jihyo again. She has to fight back a smirk when she sees Jihyo’s expression drop into disappointment.

“You were the one who broke up with me,” she says calmly. “If you’re missing me, it’s your own fault.”

“Do you really think that you have no fault in this?” Jihyo asks.

Mina doesn’t let her expression react though her stomach does, flipping uncomfortably. Her fault? Was it? Jihyo had said it wasn’t when she first broke up with her, but that had clearly just been done to spare her feelings in the moment. Does anyone ever really mean the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse?

“I don’t know,” she says. “Why don’t you tell me since you seem to have everything figured out?”

It comes out snappier than she wanted it to and Jihyo’s lips twitch up into a smile. Mina forces herself to appear calm.

“We weren’t going anywhere Mina,” Jihyo says. “Three years together and we didn’t have any direction. We were doing the same thing over and over. I wanted more and you didn’t seem willing to give it.”

It doesn’t make sense. Hadn’t Mina always given Jihyo everything she wanted? When had she ever denied Jihyo anything? And do relationships need to go somewhere? It’s not like a career. There’s no finish line to meet, no promotions along the way. Is it not enough that they loved each other? That they lived together? Had promised to spend the rest of their lives together even if there were no rings yet? Where else was there for their relationship to go? 

She has the urge to say exactly that, wear Jihyo down in an argument until Jihyo apologizes for everything and begs Mina to take her back. It’s a fantasy that she knows won’t come to reality.

“If you say so,” Mina says instead, proudly keeping her tone completely even.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I don’t know, Jihyo. I still don’t understand why you wanted to talk. You asked me here to, what? Blame me for the breakup? You said you wanted closure. Do you want me to tell you that I take responsibility for the breakup, that it’s all my fault and you didn’t do anything wrong? Because I’m not going to do that.”

“I don’t want you to do that,” Jihyo says.

“Then what do you want?”

“I… I want to know who you were with that night. I want to know if you were cheating on me while we were together.”

“What will you do if I was? Break up with me again?”

“So you were cheating.”

Jihyo doesn’t even sound upset. More vindicated than anything. It hurts Mina deeply… Chaeyoung was right. Chaeyoung had probably been right about everything.

“I wasn’t,” Mina says. “And that night I was at Sana’s. You know, my best friend’s place? Since my girlfriend of three years had just broken up with me? Are you happy now?”

Jihyo doesn’t look happy. In fact, this seems to upset her more than anything that Mina has said so far. Jihyo seems to wrestle with Mina’s statement for a minute before her expression smooths out again.

“I never liked her,” she says, matter-of-factly.

Mina had an inkling. She’d never said as much before, but Jihyo had never seemed thrilled when Mina would spend time with Sana. She’d always wondered why. After all, Sana was the most universally liked person Mina knew.

“Whatever,” Mina dismisses

“She’s in love with you, you know?”

“What??”

Mina hadn’t really expected Jihyo to say more about it, much less something as crazy as that.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” Jihyo says. “She makes it so obvious.”

“Jihyo, what the hell are you talking about? She’s my best friend.”

Jihyo shrugs.

“The way she looked at you wasn’t like a best friend. And she never liked me. She was jealous.”

“Well, maybe she was right not to like you,” Mina points out.

Jihyo narrows her eyes at Mina.

“Whatever, Mina,” she says. “I think you were right actually. There’s no point in this talk.”

Jihyo stands and turns to look at Mina critically. Her eyes are intense and searching.

“I’ll miss you, you know,” she says. “Despite everything.”

Mina doesn’t know what sort of reaction she’s hoping for. Maybe she wants Mina to say that she misses her too or maybe she wants Mina to get angry or beg her to come back. Mina doesn’t give her the satisfaction of either, though each option does pass through her mind. But it’s too late for any of them. Mina no longer feels like there’s something to save here. It’s sad, she thinks, every memory she as with Jihyo, even the happiest ones have been turned into a bleak gray.

“I’ll miss the person I thought you were,” Mina says, standing as well. “But it’s weird to miss someone that never existed.”

She doesn’t let Jihyo respond to that and pushes past her out of the café. There is something freeing in the end of the conversation. A recognition that there’s nothing left to be had between them. Neither of them will be begging at the other’s doorstep for anything. But it still hurts, because there’s a part of Mina that will probably always be tied to Jihyo, her first love, the first person she’d given all of herself to. Mina manages to hold back her tears until she’s in the privacy of her own apartment, but as soon as the door shuts behind her they fall freely.  

“How have you been?” Chaeyoung asks. “You seem… a little better.”

“I… I am, I think. I met with Jihyo again and it went… okay. I mean, she was still a dick but like… I think it helped clear some things up for me. I think part of me was still hoping that she would change her mind but now I don’t care. Even if she did… I wouldn’t take her back.”

Chaeyoung smiles and nudges Mina’s shoulder with her own.

“’atta girl,” she says. “I’m proud of you Minari. For real.”

“Thanks Chaeng.”

“Mina, baby,” Sana says. “Why are you so far away?”

Baby. It’s become a normal part of Sana’s vocabulary. Mina had gotten used to it but her conversation with Jihyo has left her conscious of every single thing Sana does. And Mina could maybe clear it up with a single conversation, but it seems like a scary conversation to have, and Mina is tired of being scared.

And there’s no way Jihyo could be correct. After all, she doesn’t know Sana better than Mina. And why should Mina be listening to Jihyo of all people? Jihyo had already managed to undo one relationship in Mina’s life, she wasn’t going to let her ruin another.

Sana doesn’t seem to be put off by Mina’s lack of response and instead takes it upon herself to crawl over to where Mina is leaning against the headboard. Her shirt is big enough that Mina can see a good bit of her cleavage as it hangs loose and though it’s been weeks since they started this, Mina feels her brain fry a little and her train of thought derail. Sana, of course, always perceptive, always watching Mina closely notices and chuckles.

“See something you like?” she asks, and she doesn’t wait for an answer before kissing Mina.

Mina could stop her. She knows she could. Stop. One word from her and Sana would never touch her again, wouldn’t even flirt with her. It would be that easy. She could do it. She should do it. She doesn’t. She parts her lips to let Sana’s tongue slip into her mouth and moans softly at the feeling of it, tugging Sana forward first by the shirt and then as soon as she’s close enough, by the hips until Sana is straddling Mina’s thigh.

Sana’s hands find Mina’s hair tangling in the loose strands. Mina lets herself be lead, basking in the pure bliss that she feels at being the entirety of Sana’s attention. She’s lucky to be here. So many people have wanted Sana before, have watched her, desired her. Mina has seen it with her own eyes, has had to play bodyguard with Chaeyoung at times when boys would get too pushy. Mina would never condone their behavior, but right now she gets it. To have Sana in her lap, grinding lightly against her thigh feels like heaven.

“Mina,” Sana whimpers into her mouth, digging her hips down a little more firmly when Mina’s hands find her boobs.

It only makes Mina want more. She slips her hand under Sana’s t-shirt, not bothering to take it off because that would mean having to separate their lips, but it’s loose enough that her hands slide right in to find Sana warm and braless. Sana arches her back to press into Mina’s palms more firmly and makes little sounds of satisfaction as Mina tweaks a nipple between her thumb and forefinger.

“Mina, baby,” Sana says, pulling away to gasp into Mina’s shoulder. “Please.”

Mina understands because Sana’s grinding is starting to get sloppy and desperate, and Mina knows she needs more so she pushes Sana back softly until her back hits the sheets with a soft thud and immediately does away with Sana’s shorts and underwear. Her legs are warm and smooth, and Mina indulges in feeling the skin with her palms until Sana gets her attention again by whining loudly and bucking her hips.

Mina finds Sana soaking and ready and it goes straight to her head. She’s dizzy with it. Sana groans loudly and uses one hand to hold Mina’s head in place as she presses open mouth kisses to her chest. The other hand goes to her mouth to muffle her whines. Mina kind of wishes she wouldn’t, feels like she could get high on the sounds she makes but she’s aware that Sana has neighbors that probably have already heard more than enough of them fucking.

“Baby,” Sana whimpers as Mina does her best to make her fall apart. “Mina. Ah!”

Mina feels like she’s chasing her own high as much as Sana is. She’s desperate to feel Sana fall apart and she does everything in her power to make it happen. And, to Mina’s satisfaction and pride, it doesn’t take much, just the addition of a well-placed thumb and Sana is clenching and writhing as she gasps out a mix of 'Mina's and 'baby's. Mina guides her through it slowly until Sana is loose and panting under her. Mina pulls away and looks down at her best friend.

Sana is flushed red and beautiful. Her eyes are hazy for a second as she struggles to focus on Mina’s face but then she does, and she smiles and Mina’s breath catches. Her expression isn’t lustful as Mina had expected. Though the hints of heat are there in her dark eyes, all Mina sees is pure, unadulterated adoration. It’s nothing like the way Jihyo looked at her before and yet Mina easily recognizes it for what it is.

She’s in love with you, you know?

Jihyo’s words dance through her mind. Mina hadn’t known. She’d known Sana loved her. Of course she did. Mina loved her right back. She was her best friend. But in love? That’s something different. And even after Jihyo had said it, Mina had doubted. They’d known each other ten years and Sana had always been… just Sana. She’d thought Jihyo was just jealous, had wanted more of Mina’s attention, had hated knowing that Sana would always have some portion of it. She’d been trying to pick a fight, trying to get a reaction out of her.

“Baby?”

Sana must have noticed a change in Mina’s expression. She reaches up to gently, so softly, brush a few strands of Mina’s hair behind her ear.

“What’s wrong?”

There’s worry in Sana’s eyes, careful and caring. Only ever wishing for Mina’s happiness. It’s how Sana has always looked at her but maybe it’s the sex, or maybe it’s Jihyo’s words but it feels different. It hits Mina now, in this moment that she’s an idiot. She should have seen it sooner. She should have known. Sana was her best friend and Mina somehow missed this? It’s unmistakable. It’s terrifying.

“Sana,” Mina whispers. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sana tilts her head in confusion.

“Like what?”

Mina swallows thickly and tries her best to muster up just enough courage to say what she needs to. Her heart races uncomfortably in her chest.

“Like you’re in love with me.”

Mina’s voice is only barely audible at this point, but she knows Sana will catch it. She always heard all of Mina’s quietest mumbles, had always listened to her, carefully tuned into her whole being. Sana freezes when she hears the words, jaw dropping in surprise. But she doesn’t refute it.

“Sana… please tell me the truth,” Mina whispers. “Are you.. what do you… what am I to you?”

Sana’s throat bobs visibly as she swallows, and Mina pushes back so that she’s no longer hovering over her. Sana moves as well, pushing herself to sitting and tugging her shirt back down.

“You’re my best friend,” she says quietly.

“Is that it? Just that?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I… just the truth. Please. I need to know. Are you… are you in love with me?”

The silence feels endless, both thick and desperately fragile at the same time. Mina doesn’t breathe for fear of breaking it. Sana doesn’t seem to either for too long until her whole expression crumples and she exhales so deeply Mina feels it in her own lungs.

“And if I am?” she asks softly.

“Since… since when?”

Sana shrugs. Mina needs more.

“Please, Satang.”

“Since… since the beginning.”

Mina feels something in her break, and she buries her face in her hands to try to hide her tears and her shame. Why? Why had Sana never said anything in all those years? They’d had so much time together; she could have said something. And then when Mina had kissed her that first night after the breakup, why hadn’t she said anything then? Why had she let Mina do whatever she wanted with her?

She had let Mina use her as she drowned in her feelings for Jihyo. How must she have felt as Mina kissed her with tears in her eyes brought on by someone else? Mina can’t even begin to imagine. But as much as she wants to shift blame, as much as she wants to say that Sana should have told her, Sana should never have let it get this far, she’s knows that she’s the one at fault.

Mina had initiated the first time, the second, the third, the fourth. She had gone to Sana whenever her heart hurt, knowing full well that what she was doing was wrong. She had been using her, selfishly. She had used her best friend for most of her life, someone who had loved her quietly, selflessly knowing Mina didn’t love her back. Sana had never asked Mina for anything more than she could give but Mina… Mina had taken and taken.

“Mina,” Sana says. “I’m sorry. Please… please don’t cry.”

Mina can’t stop herself. She doesn’t want to cry. She knows it’ll only make Sana feel bad and hasn’t Mina already made her feel bad enough? She feels Sana touch her arm gently, presumably to pull Mina’s hands away from her face but Mina can’t stand it. Here is Sana trying to comfort her despite everything Mina has done, despite her selfishness, her carelessness. And isn’t that what started this in the first place?

Mina pulls away, stumbling backwards off the bed. She opens her eyes to see Sana kneeling on the bed in front of her, expression caught between surprise and what Mina can only label as heartbreak. The guilt is so heavy, Mina feels her knees buckle.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpers. “I’m sorry, Sana.”

Sana shakes her head.

“Mina, it’s okay. Let’s… let’s talk about this.”

Mina isn’t ready for that. She’s only barely processing her failed relationship with Jihyo. Has only barely managed to get her emotions in line enough to get through the day. This is something that threatens to completely undo her completely exhausted emotional state.

“I need… I need to think,” Mina says. “I need space, I think. Just… just for a bit.”

She doesn’t dare look at Sana. Doesn’t dare watch whatever expressions are flitting across her face, knows that she could probably read them like a book and doesn’t want to know what they say.

“I… Okay,” Sana says in the smallest voice Mina has ever heard from her. “If that’s what you need.”

It definitely is what she needs, but Mina feels like a coward for wanting it. This is all her fault and yet she’s the one running as if she’s the one hurting.

“Just… a little. I just… I need to think.”

“Okay,” Sana says softly. “Okay. I’ll wait for you, Mitang. I love you.”

Mina has heard the words from her more times than she can count over the years of their friendship. Thousands, maybe millions of times. And she can tell that right now Sana means them the same way she always has, but Mina can’t hear them that way anymore. Sana loves her. Is in love with her. Mina doesn’t think she deserves it.

But Sana is kind, as always, and she lets Mina collect her things quietly, even reminds her to grab her phone and then lets her walk out of her apartment. Mina feels lost as she stands on the door step of Sana’s building, unsure of where to go. When she felt sad or scared like this she would normally be walking towards Sana. Walking the opposite direction feels wrong… but going back to her is scary. So Mina stuffs her shaking hands into her pockets and begins the walk, doing her best to hold back her tears as she does.

“Woah, Mina slow down. What’s going on?”

“I fucked up Chaeng,” Mina says. “I really, really fucked up. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, well… why don’t you come into the apartment first instead of just standing on my doorstep and we can talk. We’ll figure this out.”

Mina does as Chaeyoung suggests, following her into the living room. Chaeyoung pulls her down to sit on the couch next to her. She rubs Mina’s back gently until her breathing evens out a little.

“What did you do that’s so bad?” she asks gently.

Mina shakes her head and buries her face in her hands. She’s ashamed to say it. Especially to Chaeyoung who loves Sana just as much as she does. Maybe she would have been better off talking to someone neutral, someone that Sana was a stranger to. But who else could she go to that would really understand how terrible she is?

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. Whatever it is. We’ll figure it out. Does this have to do with Jihyo? I thought you guys had sorted things out.”

Mina jerks at the mention of her ex. God, everything that happened with Jihyo suddenly feels like a hundred years ago.

“No it has nothing to do-“

But that’s not true is it. It had all started because of Jihyo. Because Jihyo had left Mina broken and she’d thought the only way she could rebuild herself was in Sana’s arms. Mina finally gives up on holding back her tears. Her head aches from trying and she knows there’s no use in stopping them. She feels the drops pool between her palm and her cheeks and does her best to keep them there so that Chaeyoung won’t realize.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong Mina, please?”

Mina should. She needs help. She needs Chaeyoung to tell her what do to, how to fix this. She needs Chaeyoung to tell her that she didn’t fuck it all up permanently and that she’s going to be okay. But she’s terrified that if she tells the truth Chaeyoung will instead confirm everything Mina is scared of. She’ll tell her that she’s a terrible person who took advantage of Sana’s love, friendship, and endless kindness. That she’s an idiot and a bad friend for never noticing how Sana felt about her. That Sana is better off without Mina in her life to ruin things.

“Should I call Sana? Would it be better if she were here?”

“No!”

Chaeyoung startles visibly as Mina’s head snaps up from where it’s buried in her hands. She blinks a few times in surprise and then reaches out to gently brush some of the tears off Mina’s face.

“Why are you crying? Are you sure you don’t want Sana? She’s usually better at this stuff than me and-“

“Don’t call her please,” Mina begs. “She can’t… I fucked up, Chaeng. I really… Sana… She can’t help with this.”

“Okay, okay,” Chaeyoung soothes, patting Mina’s back gently. “Okay, then let me help. Tell me what happened.”

It’s hard to know where to start. Mina wracks her brain to try to find the true beginning. The first time they slept together maybe. Or maybe she should start with the breakup so that Chaeyoung really understands her mental state when she’d first kissed Sana. Or maybe she should start with her last conversation with Jihyo, the one that had finally dragged her out of her blissfully ignorant state. Or maybe… maybe she should start with Sana.

“Did you know…” she starts slowly, trying to figure out the best way to phrase things. “Did you know that Sana had feelings for me?”

It’s sometimes hard to read Chaeyoung’s expressions, but right now it’s clear as day that she had known. There’s a little guilt, some apprehension. No surprise. Mina can practically see her trying to figure out what she’s supposed to say to that.

“I… I mean… It’s… Yeah, I did,” Chaeyoung finally settles on the truth.

Mina lets out a sharp exhale at the confirmation.

“I didn’t know,” Mina says. “I really didn’t know. If I had, I wouldn’t have- I would never hurt her on purpose. I knew what I was doing was wrong but-“

“But what?” Chaeyoung urges gently.

Mina closes her eyes and bites her lower lip, bracing for the impact of Chaeyoung’s reaction.

“I slept with Sana.”

There’s a beat of silence long enough that Mina opens her eyes to check what’s going on. Chaeyoung is frozen, eyes wide and mouth ajar.

“You what?? When?”

“The first time was right after Jihyo broke up with me.”

“The first time? How many times did it happen?”

Chaeyoung’s voice gets more shrill with every question and her eyes turn to disbelief when Mina shrugs helplessly.

“I don’t know. I lost count.”

“You- you lost count?”

Chaeyoung looks confused, her gaze about a hundred miles away, unfocused and unsteady. Mina fidgets with her hands as she waits for Chaeyoung to figure out what to say.

“Mina, what the fuck?” Chaeyoung says all in one exhale. “What the fuck? You and Sana?”

“I didn’t know,” Mina pleads. “I thought it was just… just…”

“Just what?”

“Just…casual?”

Mina feels stupid saying it. How could anything between her and the best friend she’s ever had - the person most important to her in the world outside of her family, maybe even including her family - be casual? That had never been a possibility and if Mina let herself consider it for even a moment, she would have realized that the moment she kissed Sana it would force a permanent change in their relationship. Even before knowing about Sana’s feelings, that much should have been obvious. She had been too wrapped up in herself to consider it. 

Chaeyoung clearly seems to think so too. Her gaze is heavy with disbelief and shock and Mina feels far too ashamed to look at her and instead gazes down at her knees.

“You… you thought you could do a casual friends with benefits relationship with Sana? What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” Mina groans. “I wasn’t thinking, okay? Jihyo had just broken up with me and I was so fucking sad. Sana was there and she… she was the only thing that made me feel even slightly better so I-“

I used her. The words, though honest, won’t leave Mina’s lips. She thinks Chaeyoung can hear them anyway. And she’s pretty sure Chaeyoung agrees too with the way she sighs. But she doesn’t berate Mina. Maybe she can tell that Mina is beating herself up enough already.

“So, that’s how it started,” Chaeyoung says. “But you didn’t stop?”

“I… I was still… every time anything happened with Jihyo I felt like I was going crazy, and Sana was just... always there. I would go to her when I needed someone, and she was so receptive that I just didn’t think past what I was doing. It felt good and it helped me forget and I just kept going.”

“And then… when things started getting better? You’ve been handling the Jihyo stuff better for the last couple of weeks. Did it stop then?”

Mina shakes her head.

“It… it stopped being about Jihyo at some point,” Mina admits softly. “I would just go to her apartment to hang out and eventually we would just… you know. I don’t even know when it shifted but I just… Sana is… it was enjoyable.”

Mina cringes. It’s weird to talk about Sana in these terms. She’s dancing around saying that Sana is sexy and really fucking talented with her hands and mouth. She doesn’t think Chaeyoung wants to hear that, and Mina isn’t ready to say it out loud. She hasn’t had to acknowledge her attraction to Sana even to herself at any point, had thought of it mostly just stress relief. 

“So…” Chaeyoung seems to be a little uncomfortable, but she powers through. “You… you and Sana were, um, sleeping together. That’s going to take some getting used to. So…When did it go wrong?”

“The last time I saw Jihyo, she said something about Sana being in love with me. And I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I thought she was just trying to mess with me because it seems like ever since we broke up that’s all she wanted to do. But then I was with Sana and I saw it. The way she looked at me…”

Mina doesn’t have the words to describe it, but it seems she doesn’t need it because Chaeyoung is nodding immediately.

“Yeah, I know the look,” she says with a sigh.

“Did everyone know except me?”

“You weren’t meant to know,” Chaeyoung says. “She didn’t want you to know. And you didn’t want to know.”

The words settle in Mina’s mind, but they do little to reassure her. Regardless, she should have known. She was the closest to Sana and yet somehow the most unaware of her feelings. She wonders if there’s anything else about her best friend that she’s missing. Wonders if she can really read her at all.

“I should have known,” she says. “I should have… if I’d known then I would never have… I must have hurt her so much. She never said but it must have hurt to see me crying over Jihyo while running to her each time. I just… I feel like a terrible person. I’m a terrible friend. I don’t know what to do? I… I’m so scared, Chaeyoung. I don’t want to lose her.”

Chaeyoung inches closer so that she can wrap her arms around Mina’s shoulders and hold her tight as Mina’s tears start to fall again.

“Have you talked to her?” Chaeyoung asks.

“I… she told me she loved me and I… I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I feel so fucking awful. I- I asked for space and time.”

“You should talk to her. Properly.”

Mina sobs and shakes her head.

“What could I even say to her? Is there even anything I can say to make this okay?”

“You just talk to her,” Chaeyoung says. “Tell her what you’re feeling and trust her to still want you in her life. She’s stuck around for the last ten years. I guarantee she doesn’t want to lose you either.”

Mina’s brain is running on all cylinders and yet going nowhere. She feels like she’s using every inch of available brainpower as she tries to run every possible scenario for how she can proceed while keeping Sana in her life. Mina doesn’t want to lose her. She can’t. Just the thought makes tears well in her eyes. She tries her best to blink them away but ends up just making them fall down her cheeks faster.

What would her life even look like without Sana? She can’t picture it. She doesn’t want to even try. Hasn’t needed to consider the possibility in all the years since they met. But it would feel something like this, she thinks as she feels her tears slide down her chin and trickle along the line of her neck. Heartachingly lonely.

But then she thinks of Sana’s expression when Mina had asked if she loved her and she is forced to consider whether she even deserves to be in Sana’s life. Doesn’t Sana deserve someone better? Shouldn’t she have a best friend that is as wonderful, kind, caring as she is? Not someone selfish, who would use her for a quick pick-me-up. Not someone who wasn’t observant enough to notice the apparently obvious fact that Sana had been in love with her for years.

What would Sana tell her right now, if she were here? It’s a stupid thought because there’s really nothing stopping Mina from finding out. She could text Sana and ask her anything and she knows Sana would answer. If she asked Sana to come over, she would in an instant. Sana would tell her that they should talk, because even as Mina had been breaking her heart, she had asked her to stay. But if she agreed to talk… what then?

Could Mina look her best friend in the eye and tell her that she doesn’t love her? And then in the same breath could Mina offer her an apology that certainly would not be sufficient to make up for the weeks and weeks of drowning her heartbreak in her?

There’s a chance… a good chance that Sana would just forgive her. She’d agree to just brush the whole thing under the rug and try to go on normally. Mina is sure that Sana would do everything in her power to keep things the same. But if Mina were in her position, she knows that she wouldn’t be able to get the last few weeks out of her head. Even without having been in love with her for the last ten years, Mina will have a hard time forgetting the way Sana feels, the way she tastes. She’d think about pressing her mouth against Sana’s and feel her melt into her. She can only imagine that it would be worse for Sana. To have a hint of something she had wanted for so long, only to have it taken… would be torture.

And even if, by some miracle, Sana isn’t affected, Mina knows that she herself will overthink. While before she had never once thought about whether it was okay to sleep in the same bed as her, curled up against her side or with Sana pressed against her back, now she’s not sure she’d be able to sleep at all. If she met someone she liked down the line, would she feel okay talking to Sana about it like she had in the past? She can’t imagine herself curling up on her couch to giddly tell her about first dates and first kisses. And while those things weren’t the foundation to their friendship, Sana had always been her go-to for stuff like that. To lose it would be an obvious change to their friendship that there’s no way it wouldn’t be awkward.

But it would be better than nothing. Maybe they’d never curl up against each other on the couch to watch movies, and Mina would never gush about her newest crush. And maybe it would be awkward at first but… Mina will take that with her over not having her at all. Any amount of Sana is better than nothing.

But how can Mina ask anything of her when she’s the one who changed things between them in the first place?

“Sign here and we're all done,” the leasing manager says, pointing at the bottom of the form in front of Mina.

Mina had expected this to be harder: seeing Jihyo, watching the parts of the apartment that had belonged to her get loaded a van, and signing away the last thing linking them together. But Mina goes through the motions without really feeling anything. She signs the dotted line and puts the pen down and finally feels a sort of closure. She doesn’t even bother glancing at Jihyo as she stands and thanks the leasing manager, but Jihyo doesn’t let her escape that easily, following on her heels as they exit the leasing office.

“Well, that’s that, I suppose,” Jihyo says.

It’s the last they’ll be seeing of each other hopefully. Mina certainly doesn’t have any reason to see her anymore.

“Yeah, that’s that.”

“I’m going to miss this place,” Jihyo says. “I got a place with Jeongyeon up near the old church. It’s nice but not this nice.”

“Okay,” Mina says.

She isn’t really listening to a word Jihyo is saying. Doesn’t really care to anymore. She has more important things to worry about. She wonders what Sana is up to right now. If she'd be proud of her if she was here. 

“I’ll see you around?” Jihyo asks.

Mina shrugs. Hopefully not. Jihyo regards her with a souring expression but seems to decide against saying anything, instead turning on heel to where Jeongyeon is waiting for her with the rented moving van. Mina vaguely watches her go. She slips her hand in her pocket and palms Jihyo’s old key. She’d left the keychain on, a cute little four-leafed clover charm that Mina had bought for her once. She carefully maneuvers the charm off the chain and examines it closely. Not so lucky after all.

When she walks back into the building she tosses the charm into the garbage on the way.

“Sana keeps calling me,” Chaeyoung grumbles, tossing her phone on the couch.

She’s not annoyed at Sana even though she’s pretending to be. Mina knows that she’s actually just annoyed at her for still not contacting Sana.

“Sorry,” Mina says. “I’m working on it.”

Chaeyoung’s sigh is frustrated.

“She’s worried about you, you know? She keeps asking if you’re okay. If you’re mad at her.”

“Why would she think I’m mad at her?”

“I don’t know!” Chaeyoung says. “Why don’t you talk to her and find out?”

Mina wants to. She misses Sana so badly. Every breath she takes feels a little harder without her and the more time goes by the more she wonders what she’ll do without her if that’s what it comes down to. She barely remembers what her life was like before her.

“Mina,” Chaeyoung sounds stern. “You can’t avoid her forever.”

“I know,” Mina says. “I’m just so scared.”

“Don’t be,” Chaeyoung says. “Don’t be scared and just talk to her. She loves you okay? And I don’t mean that in the romantic way. I mean that in the friend way. She loves you the way I love you. She won’t let anything mess that up. She’ll forgive you if you just talk.”

“I don’t deserve forgiveness,” Mina sighs.

“If you feel that way, fine,” Chaeyoung says. “But just know that every second you spend here beating yourself as some twisted form of self-punishment, you’re hurting her too.”

It’s a slap in the face. Chaeyoung is right. This whole time she’s been thinking about how she was going to apologize for hurting Sana without considering what she was doing to her now by avoiding her. God, she really is the worst best friend in the world. Sana deserves better. She deserves someone who-

Chaeyoung slips her phone into her hands, pressing it firmly against her palm, forcing Mina’s fingers to curl around it.

“Call her, Mina,” Chaeyoung says. “It won’t get less scary as time goes on, but every minute you wait, Sana hurts more, and I hate to see it.”

Mina stares down at the blank screen and wills herself to move.

“What… what should I say?”

“Thank her for giving you the space you asked for,” Chaeyoung says. “And then tell her that you’d like to talk.”

It sounds so easy and yet scares Mina so much. With shaking hands Mina unlocks her phone and carefully, letter by letter, types out the message. She stares at it until her eyes start to burn. She doesn’t think she’s ready for this but under Chaeyoung’s watchful eye, she presses a shaking thumb to the send button.

“Oh, wow, did You-Know-Who move out?”

Sana is doing her best to act normally. Mina can tell because she is mostly acting normally and yet everything about her seems slightly off. It’s still reassuring. A sign that Sana does want to try to preserve the relationship. She hasn’t given up on Mina yet.

“Uh, yeah,” Mina says. “A couple days ago. I… I’m done with her. I didn’t want her in my life anymore and this was the last thing. So, yeah she’s gone.”

Sana turns to Mina with a real smile that makes her eyes curve and nose scrunch a little, but she doesn’t get closer. Before, she would have given Mina a too-tight hug as a reward for getting better. Mina feels her distance poignantly but doesn’t dare presume to be the one to close it.

“I’m proud of you, Minari. It must have been hard.”

“It wasn’t really,” Mina admits. “At this point… it just felt necessary.”

“Well, I’m proud of you anyway,” Sana says. “It was high time you got her out of your life. And now you can move on to bigger and better things. I have a friend who’s single if you want. Her name is Dahyun and she works at-“

“Sana,” Mina interrupts because she can’t really bear to hear the rest of what Sana might say. “You don’t… you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to though,” Sana says. “I want you to be happy.”

“I know, but… you deserve to be happy too. You don’t have to pretend anymore. You don’t have to set me up with people if- if it’s going to hurt you.”

Sana’s expression begins to shift but she stops it, clearly making a conscious effort to keep her smile in place. It doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Don’t worry about me, Mitang. Really, I’m okay. I’ll set you up with her. She’s really super cute and-“

“Sana… stop. We need to actually talk about this,” Mina interrupts.

Mina wants to do what Sana is doing. Sweeping thing under the rug and just moving on is the easiest next step. But Sana deserves to hear Mina’s apologies and hiding from problems isn’t the same as fixing them.

Sana deflates entirely. All of the life and pep that she usually carried seems to disappear, leaving someone Mina barely recognizes in their wake. Mina hadn’t thought that talking about it would make Sana this upset. She almost takes it back.

“I’m sorry,” Sana says softly. “I’m so sorry Mina. You must think I’m the worst and I’m so sorry that I took advantage of you. I just-“

Mina isn’t sure she’s hearing Sana’s words correctly.

“Wait, wait,” Mina says. “What are you sorry for?”

Sana looks at her, eyes wide and pleading and sadder than Mina has ever seen them.

“I- I took advantage of you,” she says softly, voice thick with barely held tears. “I knew you were in a vulnerable place, and you weren’t thinking straight, and I shouldn’t have… I just… I had wanted it for so long that I didn’t know how to stop you even though I knew it wasn’t what you wanted. If you,” Sana chokes over her words, “If you don’t feel comfortable around me anymore, I get it. I just-“

“Sana, wait, hold on… you think you took advantage of me?”

“Didn’t I? I knew you didn’t like me. Not like that. I knew that it was just because you were sad and I… I never discouraged it. I hoped for it honestly. I was so happy when you kissed me even though I knew it wasn’t real. It was wrong and I still… I never stopped you.”

“You… that was never your responsibility,” Mina says. “I made my own choices. I- I took advantage of you. I wanted a distraction, and I used you. You… it was never your job to stop me. I also knew that it was wrong, but… I didn’t know that you… liked me. If I had I would have never put you in that position. I swear. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“I thought you hated me,” Sana mumbles. “I thought you thought I had used your break up to make a move. I thought that’s why you needed space.”

Mina shakes her head.

“It didn’t even occur to me.”

Sana’s entire expression softens. She is smiling through tears that fall smoothly down her cheeks and she wipes them on the back of her hands and then pulls Mina into a hug, tucking her face into the crook of Mina’s neck.

"Thank god," she says. "I was so scared after you left."

“I’m sorry left. I was just feeling so confused and guilty and… did I hurt you Satang?” Mina asks, pushing Sana back enough that she can look at her expression. “When I was crying over Jihyo… did it hurt you?”

Sana smiles a little sadly, but she shakes her head.

“I knew what I was getting into,” Sana says softly. “I was never under any impression that you… that you might like me.”

It shouldn’t make Mina feel guilty. She knows that in her head. But in her heart she wants to give Sana the world. Would in an instant if she could but she can’t force this. That wouldn’t be fair to Sana either and Mina has hurt her enough.

“I’m sorry,” Mina says.

“Don’t be. Don’t apologize. I love you first and foremost as my best friend. As long as I have that… I don’t need anything else.”

“You deserve to be happy though,” Mina says.

Sana giggles softly and presses her forehead against Mina’s, her arms wrapped around her waist. They’d done this before a million times throughout their friendship. Mina has force herself not to overthink it now.

“I am happy,” Sana says. “I have been happy this whole time.”

“But you deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve,” Mina says. “If there’s anyone in the world that deserves to be loved like that it’s you.”

“I’ll find them,” Sana says with a confidence that surprises Mina. “But I don’t want to lose you in the meantime.”

“You won’t lose me,” Mina promises, knowing it’ll be an easy promise to keep. “As long as you want me here, I’ll stay.”

Sana makes a happy sound and cranes her neck to press a kiss to Mina’s forehead and then she exhales so heavily it leaves her almost limp in Mina’s arms. 

“I really was prepared for you to tell me you didn’t want to be around me anymore,” she confesses. “I was so scared to come here.”

“Don’t be scared,” Mina says. “I would never want that.”

Sana nuzzles into her shoulder.

“I’m exhausted,” she says. “Talking about feelings is exhausting.”

“Do you want to nap?” Mina asks softly.

Sana hums.

“Yeah,” Sana says. “Can we?”

“Of course.”

She can feel Sana’s cheeks rise into a smile against her shoulder. It’s good. She can still make Sana smile, and they can still be like this. Everything is going to be okay.

“I better get home soon,” Mina says, stretching and yawning.

It’s late. Sana doesn’t offer for her to stay. Mina tries not to think about it too much. She fails. Before, it would have been a given that Mina would crash in Sana’s bed instead of having to call an Uber back to her apartment because the busses stopped running at midnight. They wouldn’t have even talked about it.  Mina would have just gone to Sana’s room and grabbed her favorite pair of Sana’s sweatpants and an old college t-shirt. She’d have used the toothbrush that Sana saved there just for her. That’s how it had been ever since Sana had gotten her own place. Before Jihyo, before the break up, before anything, it had been the two of them.

“Hmm, yeah,” Sana says with a soft smile. “It’s getting late. I’ll walk you out.”

Mina holds onto hope that Sana will ask her to stay every step that they take towards her front door. Sana gives her a hug, warm and comforting and longer than necessary. Mina doesn’t let herself be the first to let go, hoping still that maybe Sana will change her mind but Sana releases her without saying anything and Mina loses all hope.

“Get home safe,” Sana says gently. “Text me when you get there.”

Mina nods and feeling distinctly like she’s leaving something important behind, she walks out of Sana’s apartment. The ride home is too quiet, and Mina is drowning in her thoughts. She wants to stay at Sana’s place, to curl up in bed next to her and nuzzle into her side and nothing else. It’s normal to want to be close to your best friend, to want to indulge in the comfort of a good cuddle. But Mina can’t remember feeling this sad about having to leave Sana’s place when they were younger.

It must be because things are still a little weird. They’re still getting reacclimated. But it’ll be okay. A little more time and everything will be okay again.

I’m home.

Yay! Good night Mitang.

Good night Satang

There are times when Mina looks at Sana and is reminded that she’s one of the prettiest people in the world. Certainly the prettiest person Mina knows. Those thoughts are secondary most of the time, but right now, it’s the only thing on her mind, occupying the space like a siren.

Sana probably isn’t aware of the way she looks right now. All long legs in the short boxer shorts she wears to sleep and her shirt sticking to her skin as water from her shower-damp hair soaks into it. She certainly isn’t aware of how the way she bites her lower lip in concentration as she tries to beat the next level of the phone game she’s playing. Can’t possibly know that it makes Mina think about what it felt like to be the one biting that lip.

Somehow, Sana seems to be handling this transition from friends-with-benefits back to normal friends much better than Mina. Maybe Mina is just pent up. Maybe now that she’s been awakened to how goddamn sexy her best friend is, that’s all she’ll ever be able to think about again. Or maybe… it’s just lingering whatever for their arrangement and it'll fade. That has to. Because Sana is Mina’s best friend and Mina has promised herself that she won’t fuck that up again.

“Woo!”

Sana lets out a little shout of happiness as she clears the level and then tosses her phone to the side, looking up at Mina.

“Why are you just standing there?” she asks.

It’s a very fair question. Mina had herself just exited the shower and was now standing near the door to Sana’s room also letting her wet hair dampen her shirt.

“Oh, um, no reason. Just… lost in thought.”

Sana gives her a look like she thinks Mina is a weirdo, but it’s undercut by the always soft smile she reserves for Mina.

“Okay… well if you’re done thinking, I want to make you listen to that new album I told you about. Just a few songs. You can stop after if you hate it.”

Mina nods. She’ll listen to the whole album even if it consists of just cowbells and yodeling if it’ll make Sana happy.

“Here, come join me.”

Sana pats on the empty space on the bed next to her and somehow this moment feels like a test, of their friendship and of Mina’s willpower. She isn’t sure yet where they stand on the cuddling, especially when they’re both in shorts and there’s a lot of skin that could touch. And Mina isn’t sure she’d survive that much skin pressed together anyway. When she takes her seat, she lets their clothed shoulders touch but angles her legs away.

“Are you comfortable like that?” Sana asks.

“Yup!”

Sana shrugs and then hits play on the music. The sound rolls smoothly out of the speakers and Mina does her best to listen as Sana leans her head against her shoulder. The album is nice. Maybe. Mina’s head isn’t in it. She’s more focused on how she can feel the rise and fall of Sana’s breathing against her side and the way if she reached out, she could run her fingers along the seam of Sana’s shorts where her thighs are exposed.

The minute she has the thought she forces herself to close her eyes and folds her hands in her lap. She feels like she’s objectifying Sana. But there’s images playing in her head of skin on skin and her hands creeping along the inside of Sana’s thighs and of her little gasps and moans.

Mina forces the images out of her mind. She thinks of anything else she can. Listens to the music, catalogues the work she has to do, remembers the way Sana had cried when Mina had asked for space. That sobers her up. She’s so lucky to be here, just to get to be near Sana and share this moment with her. So what if she’s sexy? That’s literally the least important thing about her.

The most important thing is the way she smiles when Mina tells her she likes the album. The second most important thing is the way she hugs Mina as she sends her on her way home. The third most important thing is the whispered ‘I love you’ as she releases her and waves her goodbye. Those are the things Mina needs to cling to. And hopefully given some time, the memories of them together will fade a little and lose their impact.

“Come onnn,” Chaeyoung whines. “Don’t be boring Mina. You never used to come out with us because of Jihyo but now she’s gone, and we can go have fun.”

“But I don’t drink,” Mina says.

“Since when has that stopped you? You used to go out with us all the time in college!”

“I was nineteen. I had way more energy back then, and way less common sense.”

Sana scoffs.

“You were born with too much common sense,” she grumbles. “Just this once, pleaseeeee. We’ll take good care of you. I promise.”

“Chaeyoung is going to ditch us both for a pretty girl the minute we get there,” Mina reminds Sana.

“Hey! I would never ditch my friends like that.”

Neither Sana nor Mina pay the claim any mind.

“Okay, then I’ll take good care of you,” Sana promises instead. “I won’t leave your side all night and if you want to leave early, I’ll pay for your Uber. But you have to stay until midnight.”

Mina considers. Clubs were never her thing even during college where she would frequent them on a semi-regular basis. They were mostly just another way to hang out with her friends. She supposes that now it’s not different and both Sana and Chaeyoung and looking at her with such hopeful eyes that she can’t really turn them down. She knows that if she really wants to leave they won’t stop her or be upset with her so she figures that no harm will come if she says okay.

“I told you she’d ditch us,” Mina mumbles into her ginger ale. 

Sana glances to where Mina is looking to find Chaeyoung with her arms around some girl’s waist dancing smoothly to the music. Sana giggles.

“Good for her,” Sana says. “That girl is hot.”

Mina can’t argue with that, but she still grumbles. Chaeyoung’s promise of staying with them had lasted all ten minutes after they’d arrived at the club. And it’s not like she really minds that Chaeyoung is chatting up a pretty girl, it’s more the principle of the thing. Mina had made a special effort to come out. Chaeyoung could have waited at least an hour before running off.

Still, she can’t complain too much because Sana is by her side, and sometimes Mina thinks that’s all she needs. Sana drags Mina to the dance floor as soon as she’s finished her first drink and coaxes her into dancing. It’s not in Mina’s nature to let loose in front of strangers like this, but Sana’s energy – jumping, screaming to the music, waving her arms above her head – is contagious and Mina falls into it despite herself. It feels a little nice to let loose like this and it’s even better to see Sana smiling ear to ear after everything Mina put her through.

The song changes and Sana makes a face. Mina reads it easily. Not her type of music. She doesn’t want to dance to it.

“I want another drink!” Sana says over the music.

Mina nods and takes her hand so they won’t get separated as they push their way through the pulsing crowd towards the bar. They make it and Sana immediately squeezes herself between a few people so that she can get the bartender’s attention. Mina hangs back, not wanting to get in the way. There’s already enough people elbowing their way to get drinks.

She glances away from Sana for just a second, just to scan the room for Chaeyoung to make sure she’s doing okay. After straining her eyes in the dark she finally finds her, sucking face with the girl from earlier. Mina looks away with a flush in her cheeks. What is it about clubs that makes people so horny anyway? She really doesn’t understand how Chaeyoung can be so quick to make out with a stranger. She can’t imagine herself ever wanting to.

But seeing that Chaeyoung is definitely too busy for her, she turns back to the bar only to find Sana leaning in towards the girl next to her. Mina freezes, her heart dropping to her feet. She doesn’t want to see this. She hadn’t wanted to see Chaeyoung making out with her girl either, but this feels different. The moment Sana’s lips meet this strange girl’s Mina is definitely going to lose her mind, but she can’t look away. At the last second, Sana’s face turns so that instead of their lips meeting, Sana can speak into the girl’s ear to be heard over the music. Mina lets out a breath and forces her hands that had been curled into fists to release.

She still doesn’t like this. Doesn’t like the way Sana’s cheeks seem darker even in the low light of the club or the way she tucks her hair behind her ear or the way she bats her eyes. The girl says something back to Sana that has her laughing, and Mina wants to grab Sana’s wrist and drag her away.

She’s saved from having to figure out what to do with that feeling by the bartender who chooses that moment to make his way over in their direction. Sana flags him down, and orders two shots. She takes one quickly, putting the glass back down on the counter smoothly. She makes a face and shakes her head as the feeling of the alcohol hits her and the girl next to her laughs and whispers something in her ear. Sana laughs as well and say something back before taking a breath and steeling herself for the next one.

Mina watches as her head tilts back, her hair falling back to reveal the sharp line of her jaw and smooth skin of her neck. Mina suddenly feels like she herself needs something to drink. She glances at the other girl to find her watching Sana with clear interest. The second shot glass joins the first on the counter and Sana finally pulls away from the bar with a small wave at the girl she’d been talking to. Mina takes her hand immediately. Sana, probably thinking that she’s nervous about the crowd, gives her a smile and soft squeeze.

“You ready to dance again?” Sana asks over the music. 

Mina nods, taking the initiative to drag Sana away from the bar and away from that girl with the wandering eyes. She's reassured that Sana doesn't so much as glance back. They weave through the bodies on the dance floor until they find a place that has enough room for them to dance at a friendly distance. Mina doesn’t take that distance, pulling Sana into her by her hips until they’re pressed together. As they dance, her hands hold Sana’s hips in a move that she knows is needlessly possessive.

She rationalizes that Sana had come out with her tonight. That if Sana stayed talking to that pretty girl at the bar then Mina would be alone and that would have be boring for her. And Sana had promised to stay by her side and Mina could really only take one friend breaking that promise tonight. And that girl… she wasn’t good enough for Sana. Not that Mina knew anything about her but there was no way she was right for Sana. Sana deserved better than someone willing to pick up random girls at clubs anyway.

Mina doesn’t realize how close she’s gotten to Sana until their foreheads touch. They’re both a little sweaty from the heat of the bodies around them but Sana’s forehead feels warm even to Mina. When Mina looks at her friend properly, she sees that her face is flush, and eyes are a little glazed over.

“Are you drunk?” she asks.

Sana’s face breaks out into a slow, slightly loopy grin which is more than answer enough.

“Tipsy,” Sana says.

Mina can’t tell if she’s downplaying it on purpose to keep Mina from worrying or if she’s actually unaware of how drunk she is.

“Do you want to go home?” Mina asks, both concerned for her wellbeing and happy to get Sana away from any other people who might decide to hit on her.

Sana shakes her head and loops her arms around Mina’s shoulders, pulling their chests together as she sways to the beat.

“I wanna keep dancing,” she says. “I like dancing with you.”

The heat in Mina’s cheeks is just from the club. It’s from the hot press of bodies around her and the complete lack of air circulation. It’s from the dancing and the singing. That’s all it is. That’s all it can be. Because even if Sana looks absolutely stunning tonight with her smoky makeup and her skin tight dress, Mina shouldn’t be affected by that anymore. If her fingers itch to run along Sana’s ribs and up to where her dress is accentuating her breasts, then Mina doesn’t want to think about it.

But the heat of the club is making her dizzy. It’s making her brain slow and her thoughts a little wild. Her eyes get caught on Sana’s lips. She’s smiling happily as she sings along to the music and Mina thinks about how easy it would be to take her soft upper lip between her own. She can smell the alcohol on her breath and can imagine what it would be like to taste it directly. All she’d have to do is lean-

She’s knocked out of her thoughts when someone collides with her, jostling them both. Sana’s expression flashes to annoyance and she snaps out a sharp ‘Hey!’. Mina tightens her grip on her waist instinctively. She’s right to because Sana immediately moves to give the couple behind them a piece of her mind. They’re clearly far too wrapped up in each other to even have noticed that they had bumped into them and Mina doesn’t think they’d feel particularly remorseful even if Sana did confront them. With how drunk everyone seems, a fight seems like the most likely outcome.

“Let it go, Satang,” she says, trying to drag her away.

“No! They bumped into you. They should apologize.”

“It’s fine,” Mina says. “We’re fine. Let’s just… let’s go back to dancing.”

She says it less than enthusiastically as she remembers where her mind had been before the collision. She honestly owes that couple a thank you because she’s pretty sure that any longer and she might have kissed Sana. And that would have been terrible.

“What’s wrong, Mitang? Are you not feeling well?”

Mina wonders what face she’s making that made Sana worry. She tries to make it go away with a smile.

“Just… just tired I think. I might leave soon.”

Anything to get her out of this place and away from Sana. Not that she wants to be away from her, but some physical distance would be good. Some cool air too. Anything to take this heat away from her face and out of her mind.

“Let’s go now, if you’re tired,” Sana says, not waiting for an answer as she grabs Mina’s hand and starts to lead her through the club.

They make it out onto the street and Mina starts to feel a little less overstimulated. It gets even better when Sana drops her hand so that she can pull out her phone.

“Will you text Chaeng while I order the Uber?” Sana asks. “I saw her with her tongue down some girl’s throat as we were leaving but we should make sure she’s good.”

Mina follows the instructions quickly, numbly. Chaeyoung doesn’t answer but she’s likely preoccupied and probably wouldn’t answer till later. Still, Mina keeps her eye on her phone, swiping the screen to move the apps around without actually doing anything as she tries to orient herself.

She has almost kissed Sana. Had been only seconds away from it. Had they not been interrupted, she definitely would have. She wanted it. She shouldn’t want it. There’s too much at risk. Their friendship has recovered mostly from Mina’s first set of mistakes, and the last thing Mina wants to do is fuck it up again. Sana is far too important for her than that. But even now, outside the club with Mina’s streak of possessiveness fading away, she has the urge to take Sana’s hand back in her own and pull her close again. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t make the thought go away.

Hey, I just got assigned a big project at work. I wont be able to make it to movie night tonight. Sorry.

Mina watches the screen anxiously awaiting Sana’s response. As usual, she answers within a few seconds.

It’s okay!! Don’t worry about it. We can do it another night. Don’t work too hard!

Sana is kind as always and it makes Mina feel even more guilty about the half-lie. She will be staying late to work on the project, but it hadn’t been assigned to her. She had volunteered specifically to have a good excuse to not go to movie night.

She’s avoiding Sana. If asked, she would deny it vehemently, but it would be a lie. It’s just that being alone with Sana is dangerous. It makes Mina think about saying ‘fuck it’ and slinging Sana’s legs over her shoulders to see if she tastes and sounds the same. She feels guilty for thinking those thoughts. For sexualizing her best friend. It makes her wonder how it took a break up for her to notice how goddamn beautiful Sana is. Everything she does is sexy. Even just sitting watching a movie, her face in profile, lit by the flickering colors on the television is enough to make Mina feel restless and wanting.

The intensity of it scares her. It doesn’t feel like something that will just pass, nor that she’ll be able to ignore for long. She feels embarrassed. She never thought that she was such a slave to her desires. She’d felt attracted to Jihyo too, but they’d been dating. There had been no reason to try to tamp it down and stop feeling it and she hadn’t ever really tried. Now she’s shocked at how little this attraction is within her own control. She hates it.

She hates even more that it’s making her lie to Sana. This is the third time in the last week and a half Mina had cancelled on her. Every time they’d made plans since that night in the club, she had found some excuse. She’s running out. And Sana is going to notice soon. But there’s so much at stake. If Mina were to kiss Sana now, after everything, knowing how she feels, that would surely be the end of their friendship for real this time.

She just has to get over it. Focus on herself and ignore these feelings until they go away. Mina was able to move on from Jihyo and she had been in love with her. This attraction to Sana is just that. Attraction. Leftover from their friends-with-benefits relationship. It should be easy enough to let it go. Mina just needs to focus on the fact that she loves Sana as her best friend, and nothing will get in the way of that. Losing Sana isn’t an option.

I can meet up tomorrow instead if you’re free.

Okay!!! See you tomorrow Mitang!

“I missed youuuu,” Sana whines as soon as Mina walks in the door.

Mina considers flippantly mentioning that it’s only been a week and a half, and that ten days really isn’t that long. But then she remembers how unmoored she’d felt turning down Sana’s requests to hang out and figures that it would be hypocritical.

“I missed you too, Satang.”

Sana grins at her happily and pulls her in to the apartment, talking rapid fire about the TV show that a friend of hers had recommended. Mina barely listens to what she says because Sana’s shorts are short, and Mina’s eyes can’t seem to pull away from her legs and the tiny bit off ass she can see when Sana bends over to pick the TV remote off the table.

When Sana looks back at her to ask if she wants any popcorn before they start watching, Mina has to turn away and pretend to fuss around with her phone as she answers so that Sana won’t see how red she is. 

If Sana notices, she doesn’t say anything. Mina wonders how long it will take for this to get easier.

“Oooh, she’s hot!” Sana teases.

Chaeyoung snatches her phone away from her and Mina pouts because she wanted to see too. Chaeyoung relents on the condition that Mina not hand the phone back to Sana. Mina promises easily. She gets to see the photo and probably annoy Sana a little if she plays her cards right so a win-win.

Sana was right. The girl from the club is hot. Chaeyoung’s one-night stand had turned into a two-night stand and then a three-night stand and eventually they had decided that maybe they should just try dating. Mina hadn’t really gotten a good look of her in the club, but Momo’s Instagram shows off nice abs and kind eyes.

“Way to go, Chaeng,” she says. “She’s super pretty.”

“I wanna see. Let me see,” Sana whines.

Mina shakes her head and holds the phone away from her best friend. Sana whines more and tries to crawl over Mina to reach it, but Mina has always been the stronger one between them and fends her off easily. She tries not to inhale after she gets a whiff of Sana’s shampoo that makes her brain feel fuzzy.

“This isn’t just about her looks you know,” Chaeyoung grumbles. “She’s really sweet and thoughtful and hardworking. I think I really like her.”

“You think?” Sana asks cheekily. “Your face is so red. I’m sure you like her.”

“Shut up,” Chaeyoung mumbles.

Mina thinks it’s funny and laughs and that gives Sana the opening she needs to get the phone.

“Got it!”

“Hey! Give that back. Mina! You said you’d protect it.”

Mina is still laughing, and she just gives Chaeyoung a shrug. It’s not like Sana can do that much harm by just looking. She’ll tease Chaeyoung a little, sure, but that would happen regardless.

“She posts a lot,” Sana comments as she scrolls through the pictures.

“She has a photography hobby,” Chaeyoung says.

“Oh, that’s something you have in common then!”

Chaeyoung flushes adorably at that observation and Mina has to bite back another laugh. She hasn’t seen Chaeyoung this bashful since college. It’ll probably be good for her, assuming this Momo is a decent person. Eventually, Mina will have to meet her to make sure, but for now, she’s happy to entertain Chaeyoung’s clear infatuation.

“Oh, hello,” Sana says, “Who’s this?”

She holds the phone in Chaeyoung’s face but it’s at a good angle for Mina to see as well. It’s a post from a few months earlier of Momo dressed to the nines, clearly getting ready to go to a very high end club, every inch of her six-pack on display. But despite looking like a whole meal, she’s clearly not who had caught Sana’s attention. Next to Momo is another girl, holding her shoulder with both hands to pose while making a kissy face at the camera. The girl is also pretty, with rosy cheeks, auburn hair, and gorgeous legs that are accentuated by a very short skirt.

“Oh that’s her best friend. Nayeon. I met her last week. She’s super fun. You guys would probably get along.”

“Oh?” Sana looks at Chaeyoung in interest. “What’s she like?”

“Hmmm, talkative. Funny. You actually have kind of similar senses of humor. Momo says she can be shy sometimes, but she seemed pretty outgoing when we hung out. She’s single too. Want me to set you guys up?”

Sana looks back at the picture and smiles in a way that makes Mina’s skin crawl. There’s genuine interest in Sana’s expression. Chaeyoung seems to think they’d get along and Sana is easy to get along with anyway. If they met… they’d probably hit it off. And then… where would that leave Mina?

Mina tries to shake the thought from her head. It would leave her here, obviously. In the same place because she’s Sana’s best friend and that wouldn’t change. If Sana and Nayeon were to get along, that wouldn’t affect Mina at all. Sure, they might spend a little less time together if Sana gets caught up in a relationship, but Mina would never begrudge her best friend happiness just because she might be a little lonely. Sana can date whoever she wants.

The icky feeling in Mina’s chest isn’t going away. It only gets worse when Chaeyoung does, in fact, give Sana Nayeon’s number. It gets worse again when Sana spends half of their movie night giggling over whatever Nayeon is texting her. It gets worse again when they finally set a date to go out.

When Sana invites Mina over to her place to help her prepare, Mina almost says no. But she can’t think of an excuse that wouldn’t be suspicious and the last thing she needs is Sana picking up on what Mina is feeling. Also, Sana had helped her prepare for so many dates with Jihyo, it’s only fair that she return the favor. If Sana could sit through watching the girl she was in love with prepare for a date with someone else, Mina can also tolerate whatever this icky feeling is.

So she drags herself to Sana’s apartment after work, dreading every step. When she walks in, she finds Sana already ready to go in a ridiculously cute sun dress that hugs her curves beautifully and has a neckline that perfectly dances the line between teasing and modest. Her make-up is understated but it accents the naturally mischievous tilt of her lips and the honey-brown of her eyes.

“Thank god you’re here,” Sana says. “I need help.”

Mina can’t imagine with what. She looks perfect already. More than perfect. She’s prettiest girl Mina has ever seen. Nayeon really doesn’t stand a chance. She’s going to fall head over heels the moment their eyes meet.

“With what?” she asks.

“My hair,” Sana says, dragging Mina into her bedroom and sitting down at her vanity. “What should I do with it? A messy bun maybe or should I straighten it?”

Sana’s hair looks good as it is, loose and a little tousled as if she’d run her fingers through it one too many times. She would look good with the bun, and she would look good if she straightened it but… this is always how she’s looked best in Mina’s eyes. Comfortable and a little wild. She wants to tell her to change it. Maybe put it up. But then it would show off her  neck and Mina can already imagine Nayeon thinking about what it would be like to press her mouth there. So maybe straightened is better.

“Mina?” Sana asks.

Mina snaps out of it to find Sana staring back at her reflection through the mirror with a concerned expression. God, what the hell is she doing? Is she actually trying to sabotage Sana’s date? What right does she have to do that? After hurting Sana so much, she should be fighting for her happiness more than anyone else. Mina swallows thickly and forces a small smile.

“You should leave it as is,” Mina says softly. “This is how you look best.”

Sana bites her lower lip and reaches up to fuss with her hair a little more.

“Are you sure? It’s so messy like this.”

“I’m sure. You look beautiful.”

Sana grins at her wide and happy and Mina tries to take some comfort in the fact that at least she’s making one of them happy.

“If you’re sure, then I trust you,” Sana says.

“What time is your date?” Mina asks, checking her watch.

“In two hours,” Sana says. “I just wanted to be ready. It’s been a while since I went out with someone.”

That’s true. Mina can’t remember the last time Sana had shown interest in someone. It strikes her all of a sudden that she is likely the cause of that. Does that mean that Sana is finally moving on?

“Is Nayeon that great?” Mina asks.

Sana shrugs.

“I don’t know her that well yet. But Chaeyoung says she’s nice and she’s been fun to text. That’s what first dates are for, right? To test the waters. If it goes well… then who knows?”

“You’ll date her?”

Sana blushes and Mina feels herself sinking a little more.

“I mean… let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s just a first date. Anything could happen.”

Mina nods. She can’t bring herself to answer, afraid that if she opens her mouth, it’ll become clear how close to tears she is. Silence falls between them for the first time in a while. They had gotten so much better recently, the awkward moments between them fading into nothing. Mina had been trying really hard to go along with Sana’s flow, but she doesn’t want to go along with this.

Sorry Sana, she thinks, I don’t think I can be happy for you right now.

She kind of wants to leave. Doesn’t want to keep looking at how pretty Sana looks, knowing that it’s for someone else. Doesn’t want to see Sana smile when she gets the text message from Nayeon telling her she’s downstairs to pick her up. She doesn’t want to watch Sana walk away from her into someone else’s arms.

“Why did you invite me over if you were going to be ready before I got here?” she asks.

Sana looks nervous all of a sudden, a different kind of nerves than those that fluttered every time she mentioned Nayeon. She fidgets with the hem of her dress and looks away from Mina.

“I just… You’re my best friend. I wanted you here because I wanted to share this with my best friend but also… I wanted to show you that I’m moving on. I know you’ve been holding yourself back for my sake. I can tell that you aren’t 100% comfortable yet and I just… I want you in my life without the weirdness and the awkwardness so I’m going to really, properly move on this time so that you don’t have to worry anymore.”

Ah… is this what Sana had felt when Mina had told her she was dating Jihyo all those years ago? Is this what she’d felt every time Mina had cried over Jihyo? Heartbreak cut with a very genuine desire for her happiness. An understanding that doing the best for her friend might not be the best for herself. Sana had pushed down her feelings each time to be there for Mina. Mina owes her the same.

“That’s good,” Mina says, using every bone in her body to sound like she means it. “I just want you to be happy.”

The second part is honest. The sentiment dragged from the depths of Mina’s being. She wants Sana to be happy above anything else. If that means stepping aside… she’ll do it.

But there’s a moment after Mina speaks where Sana’s expression flickers. It’s momentary. Just a second, quickly blinked away but Mina is pretty sure she saw it. She tries not to overthink it. It could have been a trick of the light. It could have been something completely unrelated to Mina’s words. Sana is moving on. There’s no reason to think that Mina’s words would have upset her.

“Well, since you’re here and I have some time to kill, do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Mina agrees thoughtlessly and lets Sana pick. The movie is just going to background noise anyway as the two of them complain about their days. And Sana does exactly that, whining about her boss piling more and more on her plate and how this guy at her office keeps trying to ask her out despite her numerous rejections. Mina tries to listen. She really does.

But Sana’s moment of hesitation lingers in her brain. That single instant… could she have been waiting for Mina to tell her that she didn’t want her to move on? Was it disappointment that had flickered ever so briefly across her face? Did Mina dare hope for that? Did she deserve to hope for that? Mina knows, even if she’s too scared to put a name to it, that she wants Sana. Wants not just in the way she had when she’d first kissed her, a craving for a warm body that Sana was happy to give. No, she wants more than just fevered kisses and quick fucks when they’re both hopped up on their emotions.

What she wants, really, deep down is to be the one that Sana looks at with stars in her eyes. She wants Sana to be her best friend, and stay her best friend, and also to kiss her soft and slow first thing in the morning and fall asleep in her arms. She wants to talk to her about everything and anything and when she’s done talking, Mina wants to straddle her and grind against her until they’re both whining and breathless. She wants everything Sana is willing to give her and wants to give Sana everything she can in return.

But soon Sana is going to walk out the door to someone pretty and funny. Maybe pretty and funny enough to pull Sana away from Mina. And Mina will have nothing to defend herself with. It was her fault after all. She had taken too long to catch up, had given her heart to someone who didn’t love her properly while Sana was waiting. And then even after, she had stayed lost in her own head, not examining the way she felt for fear of disrupting the illusion of normalcy she had managed to achieve.

And now… she’s running out of time.

“Oh my god, and that girl I was telling you about, the one that always steals my tea bags? Well she got caught stealing our boss’s cookies and is in a ton of trouble. I’m not saying she deserved it but-“

“Don’t go,” Mina says.

Sana blinks at her a couple times, confused and surprised.

“What?”

“Don’t go tonight,” Mina says.

Sana’s expression scrunches.

“What? Why? She’s probably already on her way. It’d be rude to cancel now and-“

“I’m scared that if you go… you’ll end up really liking her,” Mina says, voice shaking.

Sana examines her closely, the silence between them heavy and loaded. Mina wishes she could see what was going on her mind because Sana’s expression is one she hasn’t seen before.

“And why would that be a bad thing?” Sana asks cautiously.

“Because then… you’ll stop liking me.”

The silence gets deeper somehow. Sana seems to be processing Mina’s words slowly, carefully. Digesting them and turning them around over and over again. When she speaks, she sounds reserved, as if she’s very purposefully trying to conceal her emotions. Mina wishes she wouldn’t. 

“I thought that was the goal. Since you… you don’t like me back?”

It’s a question. It’s phrased as a sentence but Sana’s voice lilts up at the end. It gives Mina an easy out if she wants it. Because Sana is like that. Never pressuring, letting Mina set her own pace and her own rules and allowing herself to be dragged along with it.

“I… do,” Mina says softly. “I-I do like you back.”

Sana stares at her, dumbfounded.

“Like… as a friend?”

“No. I mean, well, yes. You’ll always be my best friend, Satang, but also… I’d like to be able to kiss you,” Mina says. “I want to kiss you so, so badly and I want- God, I feel so selfish for wanting this – but I want to be the only one who gets to kiss you.”

“Since... when? You said you didn’t like me, just a few weeks ago. What changed? Are you just saying that cause you don’t like Nayeon or something? Or are you worried I’ll spend less time with you when I get a girlfriend, because I promise that won’t happen. You’re so important to me, so please don’t force yourself-“

“I’m not,” Mina interrupts. “I… I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to force myself not to want you. It’s been so confusing, and I’m honestly still confused because you’ve been my best friend for so long that it’s hard to get used to feeling this way about you, and also because I’m so scared that things could go wrong between us and losing Jihyo was hard enough but if it were you… I really don’t think I could survive it. But… I’m so scared that if you walk out that door, you’ll fall in love with Nayeon, and I’ll be too late. So please, don’t go out tonight. Stay with me and… love me.”

Mina can’t tell if it’s her own ragged breathing she’s hearing or Sana’s whose shoulders shake with each inhale. Her heart is pounding far too loudly for her to figure it out anyway. Sana shifts her weight and for a second Mina thinks she’s going to stand up and walk out, but instead she grabs her phone off the table.

“Hey, Nayeon,” she says, voice trembling softly. “I’m really sorry to do this to you, but I’m going to have to cancel tonight.”

There’s a response on the other side that Mina can’t hear.

“No, I… I’m fine. I just… there’s something I need to deal with now and it’s really, really important.”

Sana’s expression betrays nothing, only the shaking of her hand as she holds the phone up to her ear cluing Mina in to anything.

“Sorry it’s so last minute. I… I’ll see you around maybe. I hope you have a good night.”

Sana hangs up and slowly, very purposefully puts the phone down on the table and looks back at Mina. Her gaze is intense, focused, as if she’s trying to peer directly into Mina’s soul. She’s always known Mina best, has always known exactly what she’s thinking. Mina hopes that she knows now that Mina’s heart is racing, and her fingers are aching to reach out to her and she’s just so damn relieved that Sana isn’t leaving.

“Tell me again,” Sana says.

Mina has a lot to make up for, a lot of confusion and wasted time and unfairness. But she’s going to make it right if she can. And she’s going to start by giving Sana anything she asks for. Especially if it’s something as small as the truth.

“I love you, Satang,” Mina says immediately. “I love you. I’ve always loved you but it’s… different now.”

“How is it different?” Sana asks, crawling across the couch until she’s nearly nose-to-nose with Mina.

“I’m in love with you,” Mina says. “You asked me what changed, and I don’t… I’m not sure. But these days, I can’t think about anyone else but you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you. I want to wake up with you and go to sleep with you and take care of you when you’re sad and laugh with you when you’re happy.”

“Yeah?”

Sana’s breath puffs against Mina’s lips when she speaks, and Mina feels it all the way in her toes as a chill runs down her spine.

“Yeah,” she whispers.

Sana’s smile is blinding, the prettiest thing Mina has ever seen, like sunshine on a rainy day breaking through the clouds. She could spend days, months even, just staring at that smile, but she only gets to see it for a second before Sana’s lips are on hers. And kissing her smile is better than seeing it. Feeling the way it makes the kiss a little sloppy and a little uncoordinated. Mina can’t help but smile in response, bringing her hands up to Sana’s cheeks to pull her in closer. Sana allows herself to get pulled in even as the motion brings her into Mina’s lap.

And then it shifts because Mina isn’t smiling anymore. Her hands find Sana’s waist and she remembers how nice it had looked in that dress and how she’d wanted to run her hands along her sides just to feel it. And now she can and does and it’s just as wonderful as she imagined.

Sana sinks into Mina, pressing her body against hers more firmly and Mina allows it, molding herself into her and sighing. Her hands continue to skate along Sana’s abdomen, the feel of the dress taut over her ribs reminding her of what she would feel like without the dress. Sana’s hands do their own wandering from Mina’s shoulders down to her collarbones and then back up, tracing along her neck until they find their place in Mina’s hair, pulling her closer as she opens her mouth to meet Mina’s tongue.

Mina tries to remember if it always felt like this when they kissed before. If she felt like every single one of her nerves was sparking and warm and if her head swam like this. She doesn’t think so. It’s all heightened and it has to be because Sana whispers an ‘I love you’ as she pulls away from Mina’s mouth to kiss along her cheek and then down her neck.

It must be because when Mina pulls down the straps of Sana’s dress to find her braless and panting, she takes her time to look, to appreciate, to admire and Sana whimpers under her gaze. Or because Mina slows down the pace, kissing Sana softly once, twice and then moving down inch by inch to mouth at every piece of free skin until their position get uncomfortable, and she has to turn them to lay Sana back on the couch.

It's different because Mina waits until Sana is begging before she puts her tongue on her and Sana tastes the same but she’s slicker than Mina remembers and maybe this feels different for her too. She keeps the pace even and steady. Every other time they’d done this, it had almost felt like a race to the finish, but Mina would be content if this never ended, if she got to stay between Sana’s legs and hear her whine and gasp and say Mina’s name in a reverent whisper over and over and over again. When Sana finishes with a shuddering groan, Mina almost doesn’t let her go, greedy to see more and feel more but Sana tugs at her hair to pull her up and Mina allows herself to be led.

“Baby,” Sana sighs into her mouth.

Mina hadn’t realized how much she missed the pet name until there’s a fluttering feeling in her tummy that threatens to make her heart explode. She looks at Sana, appreciates how pretty she is in this state and then appreciates that it’s all for her. Not for Nayeon, not for anyone else.

“I want you to be mine,” she confesses softly.

“I’ve always been yours,” Sana answers.

She nuzzles against the side of Mina’s neck, tickling her into squirming a little against her.

“Will you be mine too?” Sana asks, softly, nervously.

She looks hesitant still, even after Mina had worshipped every piece of her body she could reach, even after she’d finally whispered the feelings she’d been hiding from. It’s fair, but it breaks Mina’s heart all the same. She doesn’t want Sana to be scared, doesn’t want her to doubt. She kisses her, firmly, warmly, slowly so that Sana can feel every move of her lips clearly and feel the emotion Mina is trying to convey. But just to be safe, she pulls away to press her forehead against Sana’s.

“I already am.”