Work Text:
I swallow and look in the mirror.
My bleached blonde hair is slightly more brushed through then usual. I’m wearing my ‘nice’ grey sweatpants and T-shirt. I look around my room. It’s tidy (for the first time in forever) and smells like lavender and sunshine.
Ben is gone with his family for tonight. Something about Lily having a performance for her elementary band or something. I think she plays the…polio? cello? No. Maybe clarinet? I’m not sure.
I go downstairs and look at all the junk laying around. There’s trash on the table, the floor is filthy, and it looks like a bomb went off. I scrunch my nose and think of walking in and seeing this. I quickly start to clean up.
I pick up everything and put it where it belongs. I wipe everything down. I sweep, I mop, I tidy, and I set the table. I fiddled with the napkin placement for five minutes.
Everything has to be perfect.
My mother saw and scoffed at me.
“Finally. I swear I’ve never seen you clean.” She says. She goes on a small tangent about how I never clean.
I just ignored her. It’s not like she’s ever around to see me clean anything anyways. I look at the ready dining room. It’s clean as I can get it. Suddenly having nothing to do, I fidget.
Tonight is the night that my parents are meeting Ashlyn. Well, not really. They’ve met her, but tonight is the first time they’ll meet her as my girlfriend. I’m nervous. It’s her and her parents and it has to be perfect or I’m going to freak out.
I pace I’m the living room. I bite my nails, catch myself doing it and smack myself in the forehead.
“Stop it, you dumbass!” I tell myself. I glance at the clock, still pacing.
5:37PM
They’re going to be here around six.
I try to keep a log, to keep calm.
5:43- I check my phone for a text.
5:47- I check on the food in the kitchen.
5:48- I see my father come down the stairs. He looks happy-ish.
5:49- I see my mother walk down the stairs. She’s dressed up. I mentally roll my eyes. This was supposed to be a casual dinner, and now Ashlyn’s family will feel out of place.
5:51- I double check my phone for a text. Maybe a ‘Oh, we actually can’t go anymore’ text.
5:52- I triple check for a text.
5:53- A car pulls into the driveway. I stand up and race to the window. I see a familiar Jeep. I thank the Gods and open the door with my parents.
I notice Ashlyn and smile wider. She is in a pair of jeans, converse, and a graphic tee of an album called ‘Igor’. I race to the door to open it.
As I open the door, Ashlyn sees me and smiles. I give her a quick hug. She must feel how nervous I am because she hugs me tighter.
“It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” She whispers in my ear. My smile widens and I pull back. I wave at Emma and Mike. I invite them all in.
“Hi Mike, hi Emma. Welcome back to the house.” I say nicely. Ashlyn rolls her eyes playfully. My mother comes up behind me.
“Oh Aiden, where are your manners? Call them Mr. and Mrs. Banner!” She scolds. I turn to her and narrow my eyes brows. She’s ruining the peaceful environment.
“Oh, haha! I actually told him to call us by our names! It makes me and my wife more comfortable.” Mike says.
“Nice save.” Emma says under her breath so only Ashlyn, Mike, and I can hear it.
My mother raises her brow and just crosses her arms, like she’s judging them.
“Well that’s rather improper,” she starts. I’m about to open my mouth to say something but she continues.
“But I guess I understand. Please, join me and Daniel in the kitchen for a drink.” She finishes. Mike and Emma smile and put their stuff down. I turn to Ashlyn.
“We can go to the living room while our parents catch up?” I ask. Ashlyn nods. I turn around to head there, but feel an arm on my shoulder.
“I’m going to be nice towards your mom, Aiden. I know you and her go at odds sometimes, but try to be civil too, yeah?” Mike says softly. I nod and smile a bit wider.
“Yeah, don’t worry. Tonight will be perfect.” I say. Mike nods and follows his wife into the kitchen. I watch them leave and let out a huge sigh.
“God, I hope tonight isn’t a nightmare.” I say softly, not necessarily to anyone. Ashlyn takes my hand and squeezes it, making me look down at her.
“It’ll be fine. Don’t stress yourself out about it, ok?” Ashlyn’s says. I nod and look back to the kitchen.
“Yeah…it’ll be fine.”
…
After about thirty minutes, my father comes into the living room where me and Ashlyn were just talking. He clears his throat.
“Hi Ashlyn, good to see you again.” He says awkwardly. Ashlyn plays it cool.
“Hi Mr. Clark. Good to see you again too.” She says. He smiles politely and checks his watch.
“It’s time for dinner. Aiden, will you help me set the table?” I nod and stand up. Ashlyn follows us to the living room. My and my dad go into the kitchen to grab the food. I whisper to him.
“Mom didn’t cook, did she?” I ask nervously. My dad laughs and shakes his head.
“No, she wasn’t even in the kitchen.” I let out a sigh.
“Thank god.” I carry out the baked macaroni and cheese. My father carries out the steak. I grab the asparagus and steamed broccoli.
Once all the food is brought out, we all sit around the table. My father and Mike are at the heads of the table. My and Ashlyn are together while my mother and Emma are together.
My mother holds out her hand to my dad for prayer. She lends her other hand to Emma half hazardous and only makes contact with three fingers. I roll my eyes and Emma just smiles with her jaw clenched.
Once everyone is holding hands, my mother starts prayer.
“Bless our food, the hands that made it, our hearts, our decisions, and our love. Protect those who are less fortunate and those of us with us here who need some extra prayers. Amen.”
I swallow. I glance up at my mother. She is looking directly at Ashlyn. I grit my teeth so hard, I thought I might break a tooth. We let go of each others hands, but Ashlyn hangs onto my hand. I feel Ashlyn squeeze my hand.
‘It’s fine.’ She mouthed. I shake my head.
‘No, it’s not.’ I mouth back. Ashlyn frowns but before she can answer, my mother coughs pointedly and brings the attention back to her.
“Let’s dig in! My husband is an amazing chef.” She says. We all start dishing our food. It’s awkwardly quiet. I clear my throat and turn to Mike.
“Hey Mike, uhm…how are…uh…things?” I start. Ashlyn immediately covers her face and starts silently laughing. I blush extremely and cover my face. Ashlyn is starting to cough with how much she’s laughing. Mike clears his throat also trying not to laugh.
“Uh…it’s going great…?” He says. Ashlyn just starting almost crying from how hard she’s laughing. Emma smirks and covers her mouth. Mike is chuckling.
“Oh…that’s good.” Ashlyn couldn’t hold it in and just bursts out laughing. Her parents join her and eventually I laugh along. I turn to Ashlyn.
“It’s not even that funny!” I say, still laughing. Ashlyn just smiles and wipes her eyes.
“As soon as I awkwardly ask your parents ‘uhm…how are things’, you’ll understand.” She says giggling. I smile and look at my parents. My mother looks disgusted and my father just looks confused. Mike took note and talked to Daniel.
“So, how is yours and Jessica’s work going? I heard from Aiden you guys were in New York?” He starts. I silently thank the gods. One way to get my parents to talk is to ask them about work. It’s the only thing they care about, after all.
“Oh! Well yes, recently we…” I tune out my fathers words and just focus on my food. Eventually, I get bored at staring at the food I don’t feel like eating. I end up looking at Ashlyn. She’s so pretty.
I love that girl.
Her freckles look like stars in the night sky, each one a different constellation. Angels must’ve come down and kissed her freckles one by one.
She notices my staring and just looks sheepishly at me.
‘What?’ She mouths.
‘You’re beautiful.’ I mouth back. She rolls her eyes but smile.
Eventually conversation about me and Ashlyn got brought up.
“A funny little embarrassing story about Ashlyn. During her early teenage years, she used to put buttons on everything. Every pair of pants, every shirt or jacket, even her hair pins. Just buttons.” Emma says laughing. Ashlyn blushes and sighs.
“Do you have any embarrassing stories about Aiden? Just to make it even?” Ashlyn asked my dad. My mom laughs.
“I’ve got one!” I prepare myself for a really embarrassing story I hate when she tells. It’s one about how I fell out of the tree, and started to pretend I was drowning because I thought a hot lifeguard would come kiss me. I watched the Sandlot the night before.
“About two to three years ago, Aiden used to never leave his room! He would have his room be a mess! The ramen and soda in there smelled terrible! Haha!” She says. I swallow as my mind flashes to that time. I swallow and look at my plate. Ashlyn’s parents nervously laugh along.
“I only forgave him because he cut his wrists to get my attention. I felt a bit bad for the kid.” She continues.
Silence.
My throat closed up.
My father starts to scold my mother but it was too late. The damage had been done.
Emma looked at me with pained eyes. Mike looked white as a ghost.
I couldn’t bear to look at Ashlyn.
I felt disgusting. Ashlyn will probably break up with me because if this. Or worse, she’ll stay with me only because she feels bad. My heart drops.
I feel my mouth salivate.
Shit. I was going to throw up.
I quickly stand up, my parents not noticing from being in the middle of yelling at each other, and run to the bathroom.
I hurl up the small amount of dinner I ate. I sit and stare at the toilet bowl. I stare and stare. I feel small.
I ignore the first small knock. I close my eyes at the second.
“Who is it?” I ask annoyed.
“Aiden…” Ashlyn says softly. I immediately cave in. I crawl to the door and unlock it, sitting against the wall. Ashlyn slowly walks in and closes the door. She sits with me and just strokes my hair and holds me.
“Tonight…tonight was supposed to be perfect…I cleaned the house and coached my mom for so many hours…” I can’t finish the sentence. My tears drown out my words.
I cry with her for almost five minutes. I swallow the final lump and look up at her. She kisses my forehead and gently whispers to me.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I found out without you telling me. Worse, I’m sorry my parents found out before you were ready to tell them.” She says. I swallow and bury my head back into her neck and shoulder.
“Your parents…they already knew.” Ashlyn tenses, but continues to hold and play with my hair.
“Did…did you….” She starts. I shake my head.
“Your mom just saw my old scars after you told them and she asked me some stuff. She made sure I was safe and not a danger to myself and whatever. I gave her permission to tell your dad.” I say. Ashlyn is quiet. I pray that she’s not mad and I look at her.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.” I tell her. Ashlyn shakes her head and kisses my forehead again.
“No. Don’t you dare say sorry. It’s not your fault. I don’t love you any less. It would have been your decision to never tell me, and I respect that. You don’t have to do or say anything if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I found out how I did.” My throat closes up again. I sniffle into her shoulder again.
“I hate my mom.” I say. I laugh, because it just sounds so…delinquent. Ashlyn nods.
“Respectfully, your moms a bitch.” She says softly. I laugh and nod softly.
We both fall into comfortable silence. Ashlyn swallows and I feel her take a deep breath.
“Do you…want to spend the night at my house tonight? I figured with Ben gone for the weekend and everything here, you might want to get away.”
I laugh and look up and her.
“God, I love you.” I say. She smiles. I kiss her softly.
…
I sneak upstairs with Ashlyn. My parents are having a screaming match. I don’t know where Mike and Emma went, so I just assumed they were hiding or in the middle.
Ashlyn watches me as I pack a small bag, complete with a toothbrush, toothpaste, a Tshirt, two hoodies, a pair of boxers, a pair of joggers, socks, a phone charger, and my phone. Ashlyn texted her parents to let them know that I needed a place for the night and they happily offered. I swallow and look at my door.
“Let’s go together.” Ashlyn says softly. I nod and take her hand as I open the door.
We walk down the stairs and I try to get out if the house to meet Emma and Mike, but as we get downstairs, we see them also sneaking around trying to get out.
The door opens and Emma and Mike practically race to their car. Ashlyn holds my hand as we quietly jog to the car. I feel myself suddenly getting pulled back.
I make eye contact with my mother. She’s pissed.
“Aiden Theodore Clark! You come back into this house right now!” She yells. Tears fill my eyes. I feel like I’m nine again, trying to run away from home. I try to take my arm back but she won’t budge.
“Let me go!” I yell. My mother just pulls harder.
“No! I am your mom and you can’t just leave without my permission! Now you will get back in this house and we will talk about your punishment.” She says strictly. I can feel Ashlyn’s hand tighten.
“Aiden-” She starts.
“Quiet, you bitch! He’s my son!” Emma must’ve heard because she gets out of the car and starts rapidly approaching my mother. My father has walked out the door and gets between my mother and Emma.
Mike noticed my father block Emma and walked over there himself. My mom is still pulling my arm. There’s yelling and my head is spinning. I shut my eyes tight and yell with all my might.
“STOP!” I yell. Everyone’s eyes darted towards me, temporarily silenced. Having a moment to speak, I take it.
“I’m going wether you like it or not! Besides, who are you to tell me what to do? You’re never around, and when you are, you cause this!” I say, gesturing to the chaos around us. My mothers eyes widen and she pauses. I press on.
“You were never here. You never are. And by the sounds of it, you never will be.” I say. She opens her mouth to retort.
“I am still your mom!” She says. I swallow. My eyes dart to Emma then Ashlyn. Being around them showed me how much love a mom has for her kids. I’ve never felt that before. I take a breath and look her dead in the eyes.
“You are my mother…not my mom.”
She freezes. Her hands loosen enough for me to slip out of them.
“I-“ she starts. She doesn’t finish. She starts to cry. I don’t feel bad. My father goes to her and hugs her. Once they’re done she just stares at me.
“Go.” She says.
“I don’t need your approval.”
“I know.”
I swallow. Ashlyn gently pulls me towards her car. Emma, still very pissed off, walks back to the car with us. Mike walks right behind her. Mike gets in the drivers seat as Emma fumes in the front seat.
I glance at my mother and father one last time before we pull out of the driveway. Ashlyn, still holding my hand, squeezes it.
I let myself smile. A genuine one.
…
After we all get back to Ashlyn’s house, her parents just let us do our own thing. Ashlyn leads me to her room. I grab my sleep stuff.
I get to the bathroom to put on pajamas and brush my teeth. I take a moment to be grateful for Ashlyn and her parents.
I eventually get back to Ashlyn’s door and knock lightly to make sure she’s done changing. She comes and opens the door. Her hair is still in the braids I love so much.
“Want to brush my hair?” She asks. I nod happily and go to her bedside table. I grab her brush and have her sit on the bed in front of me. I gently take out her hair ties.
As I brush, I listen to her humming. I am very careful to not knot her hair or pull it too hard. I take joy in being one of the few people Ashlyn let’s touch her. Especially her hair.
I brush for almost ten minutes, taking out her braids. Once I’m done, I just stare at her. She stops humming and looks back at me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks softly. I shrug.
“Talk about what?”
“Anything you want.”
“Well…I think it’s interesting how you never truly forget something. It’s just buried so deep in your self consciousness that-“
“Aiden.”
I stop talking and just look at her. She smiles sadly and holds my hand.
“I meant about tonight…” she says softly. My breath hitches. How do I even start? God, where do I even start. I swallow.
“I don’t…I can’t…” I stumble my words. She just nods.
“You don’t have to. But I’m here when you’re ready, ok?” She says softly. I nod and look at her.
“I’m…I’m not ready yet.” I say quietly. She nods and cuddles in between my legs so I’m hugging her.
“So…what about the subconscious?”
…
I talk to her until she can barely keep her eyes open. I lay her down and cuddle next to her. She strokes my hair.
“I love you.” She says softly. I can still make out her freckles even in the dark. I smile and close my eyes.
“I love you too.”