Chapter Text
There were shards of glass everywhere. Despite how badly his body ached and him not even having made the mess Alec felt an instinctive need to clean up. He trembled badly while wiping blood off his face and wondered if he’d ever stop shaking. The sound of a door slamming closed still echoed in his ears although it was at least fifteen minutes from when it happened.
/ The thrown glass hit Alec in the face faster than he managed to dodge it. A shard cut a wound by his eyebrow. “Stop with those pathetic lies already! Are you trying to make me angry?” /
Sorrow. Betrayal. Rage. Shock. Fear. There were so many overwhelmingly strong emotions inside Alec that he didn’t have the faintest idea how he truly felt. So he sat there, a numb and shaking mess who struggled to comprehend that what just happened was real. Then, his hands so unsteady that he barely managed the simple task, he took his phone. The item had a small crack on it but it was mostly intact and usable. Relief dragged a tiny whimper out of Alec. It was the first sound he’d produced in a while.
‘Can you pick me up?’
His sister’s response came within seconds although it was late at night. ‘I’ll be there in ten minutes. Is Paul home?’ It was a code for asking ‘are you safe now’. Them needing one was so screwed up that it made Alec’s stomach turn.
Alec’s eyes stung and blurred for a couple of seconds. His exhale shuddered, and the following inhale hurt badly. Did he have broken ribs? ‘I don’t think he’ll be back for a while.’
‘Wait by that pizzeria, anyway. Just in case. Nine minutes.’
Well. Alec had always been good at following orders. He counted to five in his head before hauling himself up and cried out at the pain flaring up in his side. Definitely at least one broken rib.
He was a tall, fairly muscular man. A cop. Damned it, how did he let this happen to himself?
/ The punch came out of the blue and sent Alec’s body as off balance as his mind had already been. He hit the back of his head on a cabinet on the way down. Before he’d had a chance to recover from the ensuing dizziness a boot-covered foot kicked him, hard. Something bent with an audible crack. Alec mewled despite biting his lip so hard he drew blood and curled up in a futile search for some comfort.
The second kick was harder. The third, aimed at his stomach, made Alec see stars and knocked out all breath from him. “Stop whining!” /
Still safe inside his bubble of numbness, Alec packed up a few necessities. The wallet he’d always kept safely where his boyfriend wouldn’t be able to find it, keys, a toothbrush and a few clothes. Then he stood in the middle of the bedroom that suddenly looked like a strange, unfamiliar planet. The room was hostile and uninviting.
/ “Fuck, Alec, you’re beautiful.” /
The nausea from earlier growing too strong to be contained, Alec made his way to the bathroom as fast as he could and threw up. It set his battered ribs on fire and brought tears to his eyes. He didn’t glance into a mirror, the last thing he wanted was to know how he looked. Instead, clutching at his small black duffel bag, he hurried out of the apartment that hadn’t really been a home for a long time.
Dragging himself to the bench outside the pizzeria Izzy mentioned took all Alec’s strength and he slumped down. Minutes dragged on, endlessly long and heavy. Alec’s trembling continued, made worse by the cold night air and the lingering fear that he might come back faster than expected, after all. It was a small mercy that he was too out of it to notice the pitying looks people passing by gave him. None of them actually cared enough to stop and ask if he was alright.
/ Alec didn’t know how he managed to push himself to a sitting position, shaking as he leaned against a kitchen cabinet. He noticed absentmindedly that he’d cut his hand on a piece of broken glass. He was too numb to cry although his body hurt horribly.
Paul sobbed. “Do you see how you drive me crazy? I need air.” And a drink or several, probably. The door slamming closed worsened Alec’s headache. /
“There you are.” Izzy’s voice made Alec shudder. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to...” That was when she got a good look at his face. Tears filled her eyes immediately. “Oh Alec...”
Alec didn’t whimper or whine when Izzy pulled him to a hug although it hurt. He wrapped the arm that didn’t ache from having been grabbed and pulled harshly around his sister as she started sobbing. Alec himself still wasn’t able to shed a tear.
/
Everything happened in a blur after that. Alec registered dimly that he was in a hospital. Tests were ran and pictures of his injuries were taken. He should’ve cared about what happened to his body, of course, but didn’t manage to.
At least these people weren’t hurting him.
A curtain had been pulled to provide him with some privacy. He heard a soft woman’s voice listing injuries behind it. “... three broken ribs ... concussion ... arm is swollen but not broken ... cuts and bruises ... possible strangulation ... stitches ... pretty out of it ...”
Was she talking about him? Despite the discomfort it brought him Alec tensed up as the curtain was moved to the side and a tall man whose whole aura screamed ‘a cop’ came to view. (Only Izzy’s hand clutching at his kept him from trying to run away. At least the man wasn’t someone he would’ve or would ever have to work with.) “I’m detective Luke Garroway. I’d like to ask you a few things regarding your attack, if that’s okay.”
“Can’t you give him...!”
“Iz, it’s okay.” Alec was startled by how his voice sounded. Why did his throat hurt so badly? “I can do this.” He was an officer of the law, he’d encountered domestic violence victims before. He never thought that he’d become... Alec’s head refused to finish that thought.
Luke went on after giving him a second to compose himself. “Based on the information I have so far I’ve understood that your assailant was your partner.” At least the man didn’t sound pitying or accusative.
Alec nodded the best as he could. He kept his eyes on a wall. “Yeah. It was my boyfriend, Dr. Paul Stadler.” Admitting that was one of the hardest things Alec had ever done.
His parents disowned him for being gay. In a moment of bitterness Alec wondered if they would’ve been pleased to hear what happened to him. That he received a rightful punishment for his... unnatural urges.
“Is this the first time he attacked you?”
Alec tensed up. He wished he would’ve had the foresight to send Izzy away before answering these questions. (Although he doubted that she would’ve gone anywhere.) “No.” He swallowed again, painfully. “We’ve... been together for a year and a half. Were together, I guess. The first time... I think it was at two months.”
Izzy’s grip on his hand tightened. She didn’t say a word but was definitely horrified by how long the horror story had continued. Alec didn’t dare to glance her way.
It started a few days after Paul had coaxed him into moving to the man’s apartment. Not that he would’ve realized what it was for a long time. At first it was nasty comments and verbal manipulation here and there. It was so subtle that Alec didn’t know to take it for what it was. Two months, maybe three, later the first slap occurred. Alec was startled, badly, but ended up being the one to comfort Paul after the man started crying from shock. It was all downhill from there.
“How many times has it been physical like this?”
“Ten. No, eleven.” Alec was shocked to realize that he’d actually counted. He worked his jaw although it hurt. “It’s... never been this bad, though.” How was he supposed to explain that he could handle this physical part, he could take the pain. The worst part of being with Paul was dreading when the next... incident would occur, tiptoeing around the man’s fickle moods.
Izzy sniffled. (Alec hated having made her cry.) “It... It happened that many times? Alec...!”
Alec shook his head. He loved his sister and her intense protectiveness. But right now he couldn’t handle it on top of Luke’s interrogation.
There was an exhausting list of questions. Later Alec didn’t remember even half of them, let alone how he answered. The last question, though, was crystal clear. “I definitely have enough to justify an arrest, now. Do you want to press charges?”
No, Alec didn’t want to. He didn’t want to face the trial, more questions, more shame. And Paul. But letting the man get away with what he was put through... Alec refused allow that. Refused to be silenced when the only thing he did wrong was staying for as long as he did. Despite Paul’s voice hissing in his head that he deserved what he got – which was probably true – Alec nodded. And hoped that he wouldn’t regret his decision later.
What if during the trial no one would believe that he was the v...?
“I’m glad to hear that.” Luke’s gentle voice was enough to make Alec shiver. “And I’m glad you got out now. These things... They tend to escalate.”
“Alec is safe now.” Izzy sounded heartwarmingly sure of it. “I’ll make sure that he doesn’t go back to that guy.” She was clearly sickened now that she knew how bad things had been.
Alec hid the truth from everyone. The bruises, the emotional strain, all of it. Now it was all out in the open. He felt embarrassed and empty.
Luke nodded. “Okay. I think I have everything I need for now. I’ll contact you if I have any further questions.” The man gave him a card containing a phone number, and a look of sympathy. “I can see that you have a wonderful support network. But if you want to talk to a professional, call me.”
A therapist? Alec definitely didn’t want that. He shook his head, ignoring that it made his dizziness and headache worsen. “I just want to go home.” He was so drained and done, he needed sleep. Then he realized that going home wasn’t an option and nearly broke down to tears.
Alec hadn’t noticed a nurse until she spoke, her voice sending a shiver down his spine. “You have some fairly serious injuries. You should...”
“I’m an adult, a doctor and his sister”, Izzy informed sharply. She was a medical examiner who usually worked with the dead but a doctor nonetheless. “I have a couple of days off. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
Alec was relieved when the room emptied. Physical discomfort and everything that’d happened made it impossible to relax. “I have to call work”, he realized out loud. “I’m... I should have work tomorrow.” Even the thought of being in front of his colleagues, under the watchful eyes of other cops, made him want to throw up. And of course he needed time off for medical reasons.
Izzy’s brushed his good arm gently with her hand. “I’ll fill out paperwork. Then we can leave this place.”
Alec barely registered what he told his boss. Fortunately Jia Penhallow didn’t ask a lot of questions. Probably mainly because he called her ridiculously early in the morning, too far gone in a shock to realize what time it was.
Alec didn’t register pretty much anything until they were at Izzy’s apartment and he sat on the edge of her bed. (Which she insisted to give him, reassuring him that she had no problem with sleeping on the couch for a few nights.) How did things get to where they were now? How did his life become such a bad joke?
Izzy entered the room slowly, likely fearing that she’d startle him. “Luke just called, I guess you didn’t hear your phone. Paul’s in custody. He didn’t deny any of the charges.” Probably put the blame on Alec, though.
Alec swallowed. It still hurt but that had no connection to why his chest area seemed unnaturally tight. He hoped that he wouldn’t end up having a panic attack in front of his sister. The physical sensations triggered a hazy memory.
/ Two hands grabbed his throat. Pressed so hard that within seconds Alec saw black spots. For some reason he was hyper aware of his phone, which lay on the floor narrowly out of his reach. “Tommy, huh?” Paul shook his head. “I’m not letting someone else take you away from me.”
Alec didn’t get a chance to explain that the number which set Paul off was that of a new woman coworker, and he absolutely wasn’t interested in her. /
So that was why his throat hurt, he remembered now. Alec closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know you’d probably want to yell at me but... Not yet. Please.”
Izzy didn’t say a word, instead hugged him in the same protective way he’d often used with her. Alec was so tired that he fell asleep in her arms. And while she woke him up for a concussion check a few times he slept for the next fifteen hours.
Upon stopping by at the bathroom Alec made the mistake of looking into the mirror. There was bruising on his face and throat, and his eyes were bloodshot. (His side was probably black and blue from the broken ribs.) There would’ve been no hiding these signs even if he would’ve tried. He couldn’t hide the truth from himself, either.
There was no waking up from his nightmare.
/
Paul was under arrest but definitely wouldn’t wait for his day in court locked up. Alec decided to visit the apartment they shared for over a year while he could be sure that the man wouldn’t be there. It was pathetic how little time it took to gather the rest of his few belongings. He did his best to not look around too much in the process. Every corner seemed to have some sort of a memory attached to it and the shards of glass still covered the kitchen floor.
Jace accompanied him for emotional and if necessary physical support. The man hadn’t spoken much of a word since Izzy broke the news of what happened, until Alec found him glaring at the shards. “I’m your brother. And your partner. I trust you with me life on and off duty.” Jace’s gaze turned towards him and seemed to see every injury, physical and mental ones alike, simultaneously. “How the hell did I not know what was going on? I gave that guy the shovel talk. I welcomed him to our family. How...?”
“You’re a cop. You know how well... people like that can hide their true nature. And I covered up everything. It wasn’t your fault”, Alec pointed out quietly. His eyes wandered towards the shards of glass and he would’ve folded his arms defensively over his chest if it wouldn’t have hurt too much. “I... I really didn’t know that it would get this bad. I know I was an idiot but...” His voice broke. “I honestly imagined that he’d be one of those who’d be able to change.” What kind of a cop was he?
“It wasn’t your fault, either”, Jace announced sternly. The man hesitated before handing him a card. “I haven’t told Clary everything, it’s not my place.” Usually Jace shared everything with his fiancée but this was different. “She does have a rough idea, though. I had to explain why I was... upset and needed time off from work. She asked me to give you this. The group helped her a lot after Jonathan.”
A support group for domestic abuse survivors. Was that his label, now? Alec’s stomach turned. “I’ll think about it”, he forced out.
“I hope you actually will.” Jace’s gaze on him was palpable although he didn’t glance his brother’s way. “I... heard rumors that Paul will be out later today. You won’t go back to him, will you?”
A part of Alec was tempted, despite everything – it was a decision sadly many made until they weren’t able to make any decisions anymore. There were parts of Paul he still loved. And the thought of losing his home and relationship... It weighed heavily on his heart despite how tainted both seemed, now. But the constantly recurring memory of hands on his throat chose for him.
Alec didn’t feel safe here. He’d never feel safe around Paul, or loved. Maybe a healthy, loving relationship was never in the cards for someone as... faulty as he was but... At least he wanted and needed to feel safe.
“No”, Alec breathed out. “I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life now but... I know I can’t go back.”
Knowing that no words would’ve done any good, Jace wrapped an arm around him. Alec wasn’t used to leaning on people. But it felt good to know that while the foundations of his life were crumbling, he wasn’t alone in the world.
/
For two months Alec refused to contact the support group, or any sort of a therapist. He told himself that he’d be fine on his own, eventually, and for weeks he even forgot about the card Jace gave him. Until work duties took him and Jace to a house where a husband who’d been abusive towards his wife for a long time killed her in a fit of rage.
At the yard area – right in front of Jace, a couple of members of the crime scene unit, paramedics, nosy neighbors and a couple of local reporters – Alec had the worst panic attack of his whole life. Sitting on the ground in Jace’s arms, shielded from most of the prying eyes by his brother’s body, he was convinced that he’d die. For a moment he wished he would.
He was never going to recover without help, was he?
A few days later Alec entered a surprisingly cozy, big room cautiously. To find six other people present. Hit feet freezing a step away from the doorway and anxiety threatening to boil over once more, Alec toyed with the thought of running away.
Until his gaze locked on a beautiful man with flawlessly styled hair and glittery makeup. The stranger sensed his certainly inappropriate staring soon and closed the distance between them. At least the man smiled instead of telling him off. “Well hello. You must be new here. I’m Magnus.” A hand was held out for him. “Welcome to the group.”
Alec blinked twice and completely forgot to take the hand. “Yeah. Hey”, he managed, dazed. “I’m Alec.”
That moment felt like the beginning of something.