Chapter Text
Cisco wanted nothing to do with one Barry Allen anymore.
Of course, the universe, or maybe the SpeedForce or whatever other asshole Forces there were, was not nearly as merciful. Not that he had his hopes up to begin with.
His brother was gone, his best friend was still railing from almost killing their other- *her* other best friend, Savitar was on the lose, The Flash was still not telling any of them why he looked like he had seen a ghost after traveling to the future and he had to balance all of that with the seething hatred under his skin, trying to get a hold of his powers, a raise in rogue metas and starting out as an active hero in his own right.
All in all, Cisco had the rising need to bash his head against the wall and see if Mister Time God would fuck the world over more for the chance of erasing Cisco's blood from the paint.
He winced at his own gorey thoughts. It was too much, he admitted to himself, and continued to work on his gauntlets. Fingers gently putting small parts together and soldering wires, brain grasping for technicalities like it would save Cisco from himself and the timeline and thoughts of Barry.
After another few minutes he forced down the instinct of throwing the gauntlet he was currently upgrading against the wall, put it down and redirected his uneasy hands to his hair so he wouldn't *actually* sabotage hours upon hours of work.
The truth was, he knew the answer. Barry *would* risk changing time and space as they all knew it to try and save Cisco, the same way he had for his mother and the same way he would for any of them. Truth was, he didn't hate him, not one bit - he was angry, he was furious, he wanted to stay as far away from the speedster as possible whenever the city or the world didn't need them to work together to stay afloat (which happened daily, somehow even more than it used to, which shouldn't have been possible in the first place. But he still cared, and he hated himself for still caring and a part of him- a part he was trying with every fibre of his being to ignore- knew that there wasn't a way for Barry to know what would happen, knew it wasn't really his fault and felt bad for the fact that not only had he given up his dream life, he had asked the Reverse Flash to *kill his mother again* - something Cisco himself wouldn't be able to stomach, nobody sane would be able to stomach and he knew Barry wasn't taking well either. But if he didn't hold onto some make-believe semblance of hate, if he didn't pretend his fury was all that was left of their old bond, Cisco would fold. Under the betrayal, the new wave of grief or the nagging anxiety over the so-called superhero fighting the God of Speed, he didn't know. Either way, it just might kill him and at least one of the Ramon brothers had to make it out alive.
*******
It had been some busy few weeks and as much as Cisco was trying to keep away from the traitor in-between missions, he couldn't help that uneasy feeling growing stronger.
They had a lot of work to do. Metahuman attacks, trying to figure out who Savitar *was*, training the new speedster- or making and upgrading suits, in Cisco's case- and a thousand other things that went into stopping the world from collapsing.
And yet, he stopped whenever he could. Took a breather, gathered as much sleep as his traitorous brain would allow him in-between reconciling himself with Dante's death all over again (for the third time. How did this insufarable ass got Cisco to mourn him thrice? It wasn't fair) and shaking off the nightmares of Barry's dead body. Sometimes, it was him running in front of Cisco, body pierced through with a giant retractable claw. Others, it was Barry running, running faster than Cisco knew he was even capable of, then getting struck by another speedster faster than Cisco could comprehend. Both nightmares ended with his best friend- because they would never be anything more- dying before his body could even touch the ground and crystal-clear, beautiful green eyes fogging as they pierced Cisco's very soul and broke his heart in two.
Cisco would probably have an easier time shaking the nightmares off if it wasn't for his powers. And even then, he'd probably have an easier time shaking them off as just that - nightmares and not vibes - if it wasn't for the fact he still stopped to rest whenever he could despite all the utter bullshit they were all dealing with and Barry noticeably- didn't.
When they weren't trying to stop another crisis, he was patrolling, or training, or trying to find any new information on Savitar, or training Wally, or going through Star labs' database, or sneakily leaving ideas for upgrades on Cisco's suit- and he was beginning to get worried.
Scratch that, he was beginning to get sick.
It was about three AM when he woke up from another nightmare again, this one more vivid than the others. Before he could even think about it or how ridiculous it was, Cisco's hand had already reached for his phone and he was clicking his emergency contact.
The phone rang once, twice- and the call went through.
Of course it did, Barry never stopped.
He somehow felt even *more* nauseous.
"Cisco? Is everything okay?" Barry's voice was on edge, wide awake. He couldn't tell if it was because he never called anymore or because nobody called in three AM unless something was wrong or because Barry had been awake to begin with, not needing the adrenaline to sober him up in the first place. Maybe all three.
"-co! Where are you?" The sheer amount of panic shook him from his thoughts, mouth already moving without Cisco's explicit permission to form an answer he'd probably regret in the morning.
"I am fine, just- needed to hear your voice. Had a nightmare" Cisco cursed internally. His voice was shaking. It shouldn't have, because that was stupid. It was just a stupid nightmare. His first real conversation with the speedster after the reveal and it was over one stupid nightmare.
"Oh" he sounded taken aback and Cisco could just imagine the face Barry was making - taking a pause and blinking quickly, as if he was an old computer in need of rebooting, trying to process whatever had puzzled him at the moment. Usually, he'd find it cute, or endearing, or hilarious. Right now, however, all he could picture was Barry hanging up because who would stay on the line for something as small as a nightmare after all the blame and snide remarks Cisco had thrown at him? After he had pushed him away again and again? He'd hang up too "What do you need? I can flash over to your place or stay on the phone? Do you need to talk about it or a distraction?"
Now it was Cisco's turn to be taken aback. He didn't let himself overthink it, however, closing his eyes and sighing instead "Can you come over? And I- I am not sure. Just- I need you here. Please."
His voice was weak and shaking and he was sure if he wasn't sat in bed, his legs would've given up from beneath him.
About a moment later, there was a voice from the living room that matched the one in his ear.
"Cisco? Where are you?" Barry had no doubt phased through the door and Cisco couldn't bring himself to be mad about it - he was *not* wasting time on getting up and unlocking the door.
"In the bedroom! Come in" he answered, ending the call and turning off his phone. Cisco looked up at the door just in-time to see Barry walking through.
"Hey" his own voice was raspy and tired.
"Hey" Barry tried to give him a small smile, encouragement or relief at Cisco calling him for help, he wasn't sure.
They looked at eachother, a quiet agreement passing between them, and then the bed dipped with Barry's weight and Cisco couldn't bother enough to care about how stupid or selfish it was or the consequences in the morning and pulled the speedster into a tight hug, like he used to do.
They fell together like puzzle pieces, Cisco's arms finding their mark and his face - Barry's shoulder, as he felt Barry's own arms around him and chin on Cisco's head. It was familiar, comforting and everything he needed.
Cisco was aware of two things - the heartbeat thrumming too fast even for The Flash himself, but steady and unwaveringly *there*- and a small kiss on the top of his head.
Neither acknowledged it - to acknowledge it meant going through the conversation of it being new and different and how, even when they were closer, Barry never really did that and then if it could stay or go and what it all meant, really. And to get to that conversation first they had to address the time-traveling, guilt-ridden elephant in the room. Both seemed far too important and emotionally-draining for the time-being, let alone one after the other.
Nuh-uh.
When Cisco started feeling like his body was his again and breathing wasn't a luxury he couldn't afford, he let go just enough to look at Barry.
*Really* look at him, for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.
His expression was worried, caring and soft in a way that made his heart ache. His hair was unkept like Barry had been running his hands through it so many times even running at superspeed couldn't quite fix it. And his eyes- there was something there, hidden just beneath the surface, just below the worry and affection that made the hair on the back of Cisco's neck stand on end. Dark and dull and guilty and- it disappeared.
Barry turned his attention to him, putting on a shield of his ever-present 'Everything is fine' specialty. Iris had told him once that it'd been there since his mother's murder, a way to deter herself or Joe from worrying too much. Strangely enough - he believed her. It seemed such a Barry thing to do - the mantle, the responsibility, the need to keep the world on his shoulders and look confident doing it lest the world falls into chaos and blind panic had only served as a magnifying glass to what was already there.
And yet, it stung, seeing that shield coming between them. Keeping Cisco safe- or rather keeping Barry safe from *him*.
Cisco ignored it, the same way he ignored his conflicting emotions and his nightmares. If Barry felt the need to close off after Cisco himself had - it was in his right.
So, instead of asking what was wrong, he simply leaned his head on Barry's chest, exhausted to the bone, and let the speedster coax him to lay back down.
Cisco was asleep in minutes, nightmares- or vibes- kept at a safe distance from a certain superhero.