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Dan knew he had to get up. Go to the class that started 10 minutes ago, take a walk, and do homework due later today, but he can’t. He stares at the dorm door from his bed but doesn’t muster up the energy to stand and go somewhere. His clock on the desk says it is 1 pm and Dan watches as the 1:00 turns to 1:01 and 1:02 and onwards until it’s half past four and he’s not once left his bed.
His phone ringtone for Phil (his favorite muse song) starts playing and he stares at it until it stops ringing. The phone rings again and he reaches from his bed to the desk answering with a small hum.
“Hey Danny-boy, I was just checking on you, do you want to come over, I’ll do your laundry if you sit there and look pretty,” Phil speaks softly as if Dan was a rabid animal. He might as well be one playing dead in his current state.
“Yeah sure, I’ll be there in an hour.”
Phil meows at him through the phone and then asks how the other’s day has been. Dan answers with a “Fine I guess” leaving Phil to fill in the blanks. He sits up for the first time that day and pulls on Phil’s hoodie he stole. He stuffs his main outfits previously laid out around the floor into a backpack excluding the least dirty skinny jeans to wear. Phil rambles to him on speaker the whole-time leaving Dan a bit less hollow than before.
In the lift, Dan makes eye contact with a scary-looking man and Dan attempts to look at the ground and avoid confrontation. The scary man talks to him anyway.
“I’ve seen you around, you stay with the other guy with floppy hair, right?”
Dan nods still wary of whether this is a serial killer.
“I live with my boyfriend down the hall, nice to meet you.”
Dan sighs in relief when the lift makes its posh floor number and he speed walks down the hall until he can turn the key to Phil’s apartment.
Phil is sitting on the couch tapping on his phone but looks up as Dan drops his things and walks over to him. Dan kisses the other's forehead and flops onto the sofa with him. Phil wraps him up in his arms. They stay like that until Phil gets antsy and rises grabbing Dan’s bag of clothes and giving Dan a questioning look. Dan nods letting Phil help him with one of his ever-piling tasks.
“Do you ever get tired of doing everything for me?” Dan mumbles watching Phil as he moves from laundry to dishes.
“What do you mean?”
“You do literally everything for me and I do nothing back.”
“Dan, you do so much for me, and either way, I love you so helping you makes me happier than letting you drown.”
“Oh,” Dan pauses, “I just, I love you so much but feel useless compared to you.”
Phil dries his hands and returns to the sofa. He strokes Dan’s hair who leans into it like a cat.
“I’m going to start dinner come with?” Phil phrases it more like a question, but Dan takes it as a command and gets up.
Dan isn’t much help other than moral support, but eventually, two plates are done. Phil takes his plate to the dining table knowing Dan’s spent too much time on that sofa. Dan follows but once he looks at the food the sinking hollow feeling comes back in full swing. Phil watches as he pushes his food around without taking real bites.
“Are you not hungry?” Phil knocks his foot against Dan’s while asking.
“I guess.” Phil nods at his response and clears the table putting Dan’s plate in the fridge.
Dan stays at the table staring at Phil who is humming. Typically, Phil’s antics at least leaves a parting in the bleary weather of how he feels but it’s still as though there is nothing but pure exhaustion despite having done almost nothing with his day.
Phil looks at him and giggles knowing Dan caught him.
“Do you ever wish you didn’t exist so you could stop bringing everyone around you down?” Dan whispers and Phil’s face falls.
“Dan, are you sure you’re, okay? It scares me when you talk like that.”
“Yeah. I’m tired can we go to bed.”
“If you want,” Phil stares at him searching his face for hints on if Dan is mad at him or just tired.
Phil motions for Dan to go ahead into his room swapping their laundry to the dryer then follows Dan in. Dan is peeling off his skinny jeans when Phil walks in. Phil walks up behind him and runs his hands over Dan’s hips not expecting Dan to flinch the way he does. Phil pulls back and walks away to open his dresser for pajama pants.
“Sorry. Can I have your sonic boxers?” Dan says timidly although he never asked before.
“Of course! You don't have to ask for my clothes silly,” Phil tries to overcorrect but Dan just apologizes again. Phil passes them over when he is done undressing. Dan nods and continues changing leaving his hoodie on.
Dan crawls under the familiar duvet and waits for Phil. Phil eventually joins him pulling Dan to him so they are tangled together. Dan curls into the other wishing he was smaller, maybe he just wishes no one could notice him existing. What’s even the point of existing when everything is dull?
Phil presses a kiss to the top of his head. Dan feels the tightening in his throat waiting to break loose. He swallows it back and burrows further into Phil’s bed.
“I don’t know how you feel, but I love you. You are always safe with me,” Phil murmurs to him.
The dam breaks loose and Dan sobs into his soulmate's arms. Even if the fog hasn't lifted at least, he has one place to just be. No expectation of success only him being alive next to each other.