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It’s a cool autumn night when Adam and Joel go on their fourth official date. The restaurant Adam made reservations for is almost empty when they’re seated, allowing them to slip easily back into the conversation they were having in between questions from the waiter. Adam glances over the menu, still talking about why movie trailers are increasingly becoming redundant, looking back up to see Joel absorbed in the menu currently lying flat on the table, his hand sliding slowly down the columns as he reads. Adam watches as Joel reaches the end of the food columns and how his hand automatically glides over to the top, repeating his actions.
“You okay Joel?” His voice is light as Joel looks up, hand stopping.
“Yeah, I just- I never know what to order, it’s embarrassing.” He withdraws his hand with a quick smile and leans forward slightly, eyes once again scanning the menu.
Adam pushes away his own menu and continues talking.
The waiter comes back while Joel is still intently staring at the page. “Ready to order?” His voice is genuinely friendly and it reminds Adam why he likes it here, why he wanted to bring Joel.
“I’ll have the pasta.”
“Which one?” The waiter picks up Adam’s discarded menu. “I know there’s three listed on here but the chef has been practicing this really good lemon and roasted red pepper sauce, if you want something different.”
Adam shrugs then nods. “Sounds great! Joel?”
The man is staring at the waiter, cheeks flushing as the words fly out of his mouth, like he’s ashamed. “Could I have the chicken burger and fries please?”
“Do you want salad on your burger?”
His mouth opens twice before he shakes his head, looking down as the waiter takes his menu, telling them the food won’t be long and that Adam will love the pasta.
Joel is staring at Adam when he looks at him. “It didn’t say on the menu about salad.” Joel leans his cheek into his fist and huffs, the quick beats of his heart bring colour to his face as he tries to calm down.
“It’s okay.” Adam laughs warm and comforting as Joel bristles again, shifting slightly.
“It should really say.” Joel sits up straight in his chair and the constant movement reminds Adam of his nieces when he sneaks them Mountain Dew and those sherbet sticks they love.
“It’s okay.”
“I know. I know.” He breathes in, counting and holding before releasing.
Adam watches and waits, allowing Joel his space to sort out whatever thoughts are hurtling around his head.
It takes a few minutes. “And trailers aren’t becoming redundant.”
“They so are!” Adam smiles around his words and the conversation resumes. He gets caught up in listening to Joel speak, the way his words flow and only falter when he decides mid-sentence that he’s wrong and changes opinion, offering counter points to his own views.
It’s beautiful, Adam thinks, he’s so beautiful.
Adam is on his way over when Joel drops a plate and the memory bursts behind his closed eyes. He remembers a smashed plate and blood splashing into the sink as he waited for the tap to turn cold in their small, cheap apartment. He remembers the strong arms and broad straight back of his current boyfriend as he apologised for the broken plate and the noise. The boyfriend had shaken his head and crowded into his space, grabbing his wrist and pulling it away from the water. Joel’s hand throbs with the phantom pain as the boyfriend pressed his fingertips into the bloody cut on his palm. He remembers how unflinching the boyfriend had been as his nails slipped further in, pulling at the edges. Joel clutches his hand to his chest and tries to steady his breathing, the rest of the memory starts to unfold at the edges as he runs through the list of things he uses to ground himself.
“You’re hurting me.” Joel can hear himself saying and the words make him spit bile into the sink, slim shoulders heaving and eyes watering. “Stop it.”
He coughs twice more into the sink and slides to the floor, avoiding the broken pieces as he pulls his knees into his chest and starts verbally reciting everything he can see.
“You’re an idiot. You’re a waste. You’ll never find anybody else to love you. I don’t even know why I do.” His hand throbs again as the memory replays. This boyfriend was one of three that Joel still finds himself looking over his shoulder for, still has a carry case packed and stored in the back of his wardrobe.
The first would leave finger mark bruises on his wrists, and kept him stamped down until he had no friends or place to turn until the second boyfriend appeared. Joel remembers thinking he had been saved but then he started locking Joel in their flat, took his phone and passport, and the cruel insults that were strikingly similar to the first. By the time he was with the third boyfriend, the one who would make a game out of trying to scar and scare him, Joel had perfected not eating.
Another memory tightens his chest as he recalls realising that while other people could hurt him and beat him down, he could do it so much worse. He takes another breath and starts again, naming the pictures and writing on his fridge magnets and the dishes that need putting away on the counter. His phone vibrates dully against his thigh as he starts his third round, alerting him to Adam’s arrival.
Joel rushes to the door and immediately apologises. “I kept you waiting, sorry.”
“You didn’t, its fine.” Adam hugs him on the doorstep and Joel wonders if Adam will ever be embarrassed by him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He catches sight of himself in the hallway mirror as they walk through to the living room and oh, he doesn’t look okay. Joel waits until they’re sat on his couch before he speaks. “I dropped a plate and it freaked me out.” He smiles as he talks, trying to play how worried he looks down.
Adam nods then stands up. “I’ll clear it up, you order pizza.”
Joel looks down at his hands as Adam waits for him to say something, to let him know it’s okay for him to help. “It’s okay, I can do it.”
Adam sits back down and lets his body connect against Joel’s. “I can help. It’s only a broken plate.”
“You’re not angry?” Joel glances at Adam and an arm wraps around his shoulders, pulling him close.
“Not at you.”
They stay moulded together until Joel’s stomach rumbles and Adam finally goes into the kitchen to clean up the mess.
Joel tries not to take the smashed plate as an omen, a sign from somewhere that he shouldn’t eat as he orders the pizza.
They lie curled up on the couch together, the sound of the movie Adam picked isn’t enough to mask the grumbling of Joel’s stomach. The pizza boxes and other dishes have been cleared away but the smell of cheese and sauce still remains as Adam’s fingertip traces over the indent in Joel’s index finger, and he’s certain that there will be a matching dip on his middle finger.
He pulls Joel closer and lets his tears drip under his chin, scrubbing against his t-shirt to dry them.
Adam knew that Joel had an eating disorder when they first started dating. They shared mutual friends but had never spoken until Bruce’s birthday night out where Adam fell in complete adoration of Joel, asking if he could have his number, if they could meet up whenever Joel was free. Their first date was to meeting up for coffee, finding the closest Starbucks to both of them where they let their drinks cool on the table while they talked for hours. Afterwards, Adam had visited Spoole, desperate to tell somebody about the connection he felt.
Spoole’s reaction was uncharacteristically cold towards his long-time friend.
“Is he dating somebody?” Adam asked, noting how panicked Spoole suddenly looked. “Did I- Are you not okay with me asking him out?”
“It’s not you.” Spoole shook his head. “Joel just… He hasn’t had the best relationships. He deserves someone good.”
Adam nodded. “It’s only been one date Spoole, I don’t know if he’s interested.”
“If he went out with you he is.” Spoole paused, trying to find the right words. “I was the first one to meet him. He didn’t like going to bars and whenever I invited him anywhere, if anybody else was gonna be there he would cancel. He finally came over when James and Bruce where over, it took time but we all became friends.”
Adam nods then waits.
“You can’t tell him I told you this.” Spoole said quickly, voice verging on frantic.
“I won’t. I promise.”
Spoole’s eyes filled with tears. “He told us a few months ago that old boyfriend’s abused him. And that we were the first friends he’d had for years.”
“Oh.” Adam’s heart crumbled around the edges.
“Years, Adam.” Spoole repeats. “It took so long for him to trust me. He still gets scared sometimes.”
“That’s okay. He has people now, he has friends.” Adam had squeezed his shoulder but Spoole didn’t soften.
“It still affects him. The others don’t know but he still won’t, or can’t, eat properly. He broke my heart when he told me, he deserves something good Adam. Don’t mess him about.” Spoole’s words flew desperately out his mouth. “I know it’s not serious yet but if he let you take him out he feels something.”
Adam swallowed and then exhaled slowly. “I feel something too Spoole. It’s still early but there’s something. I know there is.”
An explosion in the movie they’re watching pulls Adam from his thoughts. He looks down at Joel, tucked tightly into his side as he watches the movie through drooping eyes.
“I think I’m gonna go home.” Adam checks his phone for the time but makes no move to stand up.
Joel shifts and leans up on Adam, smiling sleepily. “What time is it?”
“After twelve.” Joel rests his head on his stomach and tries to burrow down. “Hey!” Adam laughs loud against the quiet and Joel groans.
“I’m tired.”
“I know. That’s why I’m going.”
“You can stay here?” Joel mumbles and Adam makes him repeat it, just to hear him ask again.
“Is that okay?” Joel nods while he sits up and stretches sleepily.
“Do you want me to stay on the couch?”
Joel’s face falls into a pout. “No. Unless you want to.” He adds.
Adam shakes his head and squeezes his hand. “Do you have a spare toothbrush?”
Joel wakes up with a scream and Adam immediately pulls him close, stroking his hair and trying to ground him. Joel looks at him in the dark with wide eyes, his whole body trembling as his mouth opens and closes as he tries to find the words. “He grabbed me.” He stops and his breath catches hard in his throat.
“Tell me when you’re ready. If you’re ever ready. I’m here. I’ll listen.” Adam repeats. “I’ve got you. I’m right here. You’re safe. You’re safe”
Adam presses a kiss to the top of Joel’s head.
“Soon.” Joel’s fingers cling to the fabric of Adam’s t-shirt.
“When you’re ready.”
Joel nods and they lapse into quiet. He closes his eyes and listens to the sound of Adam’s breathing, feels the soft fabric of his shirt and the warmth of his skin.