Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Summary: Just when everything seemed to going well, and the occasional bumps in the road are manageable, life comes hard at Jensen. His job, his health, and his relationship with Jared, are all teetering on a knife's edge. Still, and forever, dealing with his inability finding the right words, he is at a loss on how he can fix all the things that have gone terribly wrong.

And yet, among the chaos, there is a possibility of Jensen fulfilling a lifelong dream.

Jared had been quiet lately. Which was odd, since Jensen was the strong, silent one in their household.

Unfortunately, Jensen being the strong and silent one was not his choice. Jensen's anomic aphasia was never going to get better, although his confidence in speaking the words he could retrieve was.

Jared made that possible.

Anomic aphasia was Jensen's bane in life. When he was in high school, Stephen Amell beat Jensen so badly he suffered a serious head injury. Jensen's brain damage was so severe that, even now, he could not easily retrieve words—especially nouns and verbs. Worse than that, Jensen struggled expressing himself in times of happiness, and in times of distress.

Amell also destroyed Jensen's left knee, Jensen's football scholarship to Cornell's law school, and his life with his first love, Danni.

But Jensen had Jared and a law license, now.

Jared had promised, early on, that he would wait for Jensen's words to surface, no matter how long it took. And if they didn't materialize, he would still wait. Jared had always waited.

At least, until now.

Jared's patience for waiting appeared to be running out, and Jensen worried about it. Like, a lot.

It was out of character for Jared to be silent, and right now, he was almost as wordless as Jensen. For the past few weeks, Jared had been steadily closing himself off, and Jensen didn't know why.

Unlike Jared, Jensen did not have the patience for waiting.

"Jay, c'mon. Talk. You can tell me. Tell what, what, happened to make you…" Jensen blinked his eyes shut for a moment. "Jay, please talk to me."

"I'm sorry, Jensen. There's a lot I'm dealing with at work. It's nothing for you to worry about." He turned away and began writing on his many legal pads.

Jensen touched his hand. "If you are worried. If you're dealing with things, then let me hear and try. Try to help. You." Jensen pulled up a chair, and sat next to him. "Please, don't keep your words from me."

"I'm sorry." Jared put his pen down and sighed. "I know I've been distant lately." He took Jensen's hand and kissed his knuckles. "I am sorry."

"It's…I just. Want. To help." Jensen stuttered out. "You do know I can listen."

"I do know that. You're a great listener, but I don't want to saddle you with all this." Jared indicated his note pads.

"Jay. Not a. Not a—saddle. You are…we…we are…" Jensen paused. "We are a team."

"You're right." Jared gave him a tender smile. "We are. We are a team." He let go of Jensen's hand. "We're a great team."

"Then please," Jensen twirled his finger in his gesture for go on.

"Okay." He faced Jensen. "So, as you know, this year I'm teaching more involved children than I was last year. More involved, physically, mentally, and emotionally."

"They need you," Jensen said. "They need your patience. And I know how impar…im…I know how, how good you are at that."

"Thanks." Jared smiled bigger this time. "I love meeting the challenges they present, and every little gain is a huge win. God, Jen, I win so hard almost every day."

Jensen was proud of how compassionately Jared taught these children. His kids meant the world to him. He gently waited for Jared to continue.

Jared reached across his desk and opened a folder. "Okay, so you know what an IEP is, right?"

"Yes." He didn't have the words to say Individualized Education Program, but, like everything else in his world, he knew what it was in great detail.

"Well, my student, Jeanne, has an educational program which I, and her whole school team, believe is appropriate for her. Unfortunately, her parents disagree with the entirety of it."

Jensen leaned forward. "Why?"

Jared shook his head. "Because they don't believe she is as disabled as her test scores indicate. Jensen, we're a school. We use test scores to evaluate the student's level of function, so we can prepare an appropriate interdisciplinary program for her. But we also consider information and input from other sources such as, the student's physicians, her outside providers, and, of course, her parents. After all, parents know their children better than anyone else, but…"

Jensen made the go on sign again.

"But Jeanne's parents don't agree with the doctor's diagnosis, and they don't agree with our educational plan."

"What is her, uh," Jensen went through the last sentence in his mind. "What is her… shit."

Jared barked a laugh. "Her shit? That's not very sensitive of you."

Jared's gentle teasing of Jensen's speech was always welcome. Plus, it was nice to see him grin again.

Jensen blushed. "You know what I'm saying…asking. Bitch."

"Boy, sometimes the words you do come up with." Jared teased, then sobered.

"According to physician testing, Jeanne has a diagnosis of a high functioning form of Angelman Syndrome. She's a happy, bubbly little girl, who has delays in cognition, speech, gross motor skills, like walking and balance, and delays in fine motor skills, like self-care and feeding. So, we addressed those through her IEP."

"What do the parents want say?" He always grabbed the words that emerged, even if they weren't quite the right ones. Or in the right order.

"Frankly, they want a typically developing, normal child. One without measurable deficits or medical diagnoses attached to her." Jared looked earnestly at Jensen. "I can't give them that. I can't pretend Jeanne is a normally developing child, and even though there are ranges of normal development, she doesn’t even come close to her age range. She needs help with a variety of skills, and I can't ignore the delays she presents with. It wouldn't be fair to her."

Jared's shoulders slumped. "Her father disagrees."

"It wouldn't be fair to her," Jensen said, earnestly. "I know that for true. Fact."

"I know you do. However," Jared pointed to the folders on his desk, "now I'm in the middle of a mediation process between the school board, the school team, the parents, and their lawyers, defending my part of her IEP."

"Does it help that you are a lawyer?"

Jared snickered. "I used to be a lawyer. You are the only lawyer in this house, now."

Jensen smiled. "You can still be an honorary Esquire in this, in this, this house."

"Honorary Esquire?" Jared beamed. "I like that."

Jared exhaled. "Seriously, while it helps that I know the laws, this isn't a trial—in fact, with this mediation, we're trying to avoid any formal legal proceedings. But the parents are asking for Jeanne to be in a regular school, with kids her own age. She's eight, and functioning at a four-year-old level, and that's a generous assessment. She's still in diapers, and needs help feeding herself. The kids in a regular school will eat her alive. Also, the parents won't even consider additional supports for her in the classroom." Jared shook his head.

"Why, they won't? It…it would be…" Jensen stopped and started. "Why?"

"Because, they are convinced she will mimic her classmates' behaviors and catch up to them." Jared made fists with his hands. "Jensen, that won't happen."

"Do you have…have?" Jensen huffed. "What are you going?"

"That's only the first part." Jared sniffed, "There's more."

"Uh oh." Jensen muttered.

"Yeah, uh oh." Jared breathed in. "You see, Jeanne is African American and," Jared looked like he needed a moment.

Jensen moved closer.

"I…I've been accused of discriminating against her and purposefully lowering her test scores, because she's black."

"What?" Jensen was appalled. "That's, that's redic..diculou..stupid. You're not, not, that's stupid."

"It's tough to defend myself against something I've never even considered. But the sad thing is, I like little Jeanne a lot, and right now, she's in a good, safe, healthy environment where her needs are met. Jen, she's happy, she's learning, and she's thriving. I can't let her parents take her away from where she needs to be. Not without a fight."

Jared lost his smile, and fingered the folder on his desk. That explained why Jared had lost his luster over the past few weeks.

"I'm sorry. Can I help?" Jensen took Jared's hand. "I am an Esquire too, you know."

"I know. My family can't stop congratulating themselves for hiring you." Jared jibed lightly. "I don't think you can help me with this, but I'll let you know."

"Please, Jay. Research is still, is still, and I can do. It. Well."

"You're the best at that," Jared said. "In fact, speaking of you being the best, now that you're a lawyer at PDLK, I heard it through the grapevine, and by grapevine, I mean my big brother, Joe, you've been paired up with their newest hot-shot associate. A very British one, and one they bent over backwards to get on board." Jared side-eyed him. "I don't have to worry about him sweeping you off your feet, do I?"

"Ugh, no." Jensen grimaced. "No, no, no. I..in..I don't… In fact…I need to…talk with you…shit...There's…"

"Good. Glad to hear it. At least, things are going well for you." Jared opened (Jeanne B)'s IEP folder and began reading.

Jensen was mildly stung. Jared always had the patience to wait until Jensen finished what he was saying. But just now, he dismissed Jensen mid-sentence, and Jensen definitely needed to discuss this new associate with him.

I guess Jared has enough on his plate. I'll find a better time to talk to him about it.

Jensen lightly patted Jared's shoulder and went into his den. He pulled over his notebooks and began writing. There were important things he wanted to tell Jared, specifically about the situation with the very British new associate.

Yet, he understood that his good-hearted Jared was under a lot of stress, and Jensen was determined not to hold Jared's impatience against him. Jensen recognized that he had been spoiled by Jared's ability, and desire, to stop and wait out Jensen's words.

Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose. Jared might finally be getting tired of Jensen's messed-up brain.

He sighed sadly. Maybe the honeymoon was over.

The short, London-accented lawyer read through the folder Jensen had prepared for their upcoming case.

"Well, well, well, my little Church Mouse. Seems you have been very busy, working your big, soundless heart out for me."

Mark Sheppard was the newest associate at the PDLK Group. PDLK had been trying to lure Sheppard away from Pelligrino and Sheppard for several years, and now they had finally succeeded.

"You have wrested every possible nuance out of the Campbell v. Novack case, haven't you, dear one. All to make me look fabulous in front of the judge, and to chalk up another win for us both. You are a pearl." He stared outright, licking his lips as Jensen turned away.

Sheppard had a take-no-prisoners approach to defending his clients. He was unctuous, annoying, and extremely successful at winning or settling cases in his client's favor. However, because, on both a personal and professional level, he was such an unpleasant human being, no one at PDLK wanted to work directly with him. So, Jensen, being the lowest and quietest man on the totem pole, had been paired with him.

Under better circumstances—for example, if Sheppard had a decent soul—this duo they'd created would, in fact, be a dream team.

Jensen was fully in his element, researching, documenting, verifying cases, and applying case law, while Sheppard, despite how he behaved behind closed doors, was brilliant with these facts when facing a jury and/or judge.

Jensen and Mark Sheppard, much to Jensen's chagrin, were quickly becoming the most successful team PDLK had ever had.

Except that Jensen was always on edge, and word-finding was difficult to impossible when Mark was around. Jensen realized that he had to write everything in advance if he wanted to collaborate with him. He never had any coherent words when in the company of this awful, little man, and Mark Sheppard had zero patience with waiting for Jensen to speak.

What was worse, what was so much worse, was that Sheppard flirted, made innuendoes, touched him inappropriately (but quickly), and shouted over him when Jensen had tried to speak up.

To ease his struggle with communicating, Jensen's desk had notebooks and sticky notes filled with words and phrases he could choose from when he needed them. It was awkward, but sometimes it was the only way he could convey his thoughts aloud.

Jensen needed Jared's advice on how to best handle this situation, but since Jared was currently inaccessible to him, Jensen was on his own.

Mark clapped his hands in front of Jensen's face. "Church Mouse! Did you hear me, or are you deaf as well as dumb?"

Jensen pressed his eyes shut, then, opening them slowly, read from one of his legal pads. "Mr. Sheppard, my name is Jensen, or Mr. Ackles. You will refer to me by one of those names, or I won't respond to you."

"Mr. Sheppard, now, is it?" Mark chuckled and sashayed over to Jensen's desk. "Well Mister Ackles," He struck like a cobra and ripped several pages out of Jensen's notepad, and for good measure, tore off several sticky notes, tossing them all into the trash.

"I guess we won't be needing these now, since you've already said your piece." He hummed, looking pointedly at Jensen's lap. "Speaking of piece…"

Jensen stood, kicking his chair backwards. "Stop. Just…stop it. We're professions. Profession…shit. Just fucking stop that shit, Mark."

Mark backed up holding both hands up. "Touchy today, aren't we, my silent squirrel?"

Jensen shook his head and opened the door to their shared office. "Fuck you, Mark."

He slammed it and walked away but not before hearing Sheppard sing, "Anytime, anywhere, any place any daaayyyy."

Jensen stormed over to Joseph Padalecki's office, ready to make a verbal complaint. Joseph's personal assistant, Tanya, was seated at the desk outside his office and held up her hand. "Jensen, wait. You can't go in there right now."

Jensen nodded, and mimed knocking on the door.

"I'm sorry, Jensen, you can't." She stood and touched his arm. "Joseph is in a meeting with a representative from the State Department. He can't be disturbed."

Jensen deflated.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Tanya was always sweet to him. He couldn't be upset with her.

He blew out a breath. "When time?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know when he'll be free. But I'll let him know you need to see him."

Jensen closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "No. Don't send him. I'll…later…Never mind. It's…just no." He turned away, then turned back. "Thank you, though."

Tanya peeked at him over her readers. "Don't let Sheppard get to you. We all know he's a jackass, but you both have been very good for business."

She crept closer and whispered, "But I won't tell anybody if you decide to punch him in the mouth."

Jensen huffed a laugh. "No, I wouldn't. I might want…but no."

"Well, maybe you could get Jared to do it for you." She laughed lightly. "Joe can't fire him."

"Maybe. Uh…thanks you." Jensen cleared his throat. "Thank you, Tanya. I'll come back later."

"You sure you don't want me to send Joe by?"

"Don't." Jensen shook his head. "It's okay." He gave her a thumbs up.

Jensen reluctantly walked back into their office. Mark stood by the file cabinet with a smug grin. "Dear boy, they are not going to sack me, no matter how often you schtup the boss's brother."

"Shut up, Mark."

"They have been after me to join this firm for almost a decade. Do you think a harmless pet name is going to even twitch the needle on the "You're Fired" scale? It won't." Mark snickered. "Besides, who is going to tell them what I've said? You, my tongue-tied lovely?"

Jensen ignored him, opened the file of their current case and pretended to read it.

"However, Jenny, I might be convinced to shut up if there was a pretty boy's hot, wet, tongue down my throat."

Jensen stood, "Oh for…shit…"

"Or my dick down his," he cackled.

He stormed out, hearing Sheppard laughing in the background. Fortunately, in his fist was the file they were working on, so at least he could look it over at home.

Tonight, like all the other times Mark had harassed him, Jensen's words would be out of reach, lying in the muddy bottom of his brain-damaged mind. Which meant that he could not speak to Jared about it, even if Jared were up for listening to him.

And Jared wouldn't ask.

Jensen sat at his desk at his home. There were folders, yellow legal pads, and post-it notes. He still labeled his personal items, and was currently staring blankly at his Computer. His Wastebasket was overflowing with discarded conversations he had written out. On his blotter was a note Jared left for him, saying he was going to be having a late meeting and not to wait dinner on him.

Jared usually drew a heart with a J written on it, or a smiley face--something fun on the notes he left. This one was devoid of anything personal. Just a statement of fact that he, Jared, would not be having dinner with Jensen tonight.

This was the fourth night in a row that Jared had been absent.

By the time Jared returned last night, Jensen had been in bed dozing, hungry and sad. He'd, shrugged, smiled, and made hand gestures, but since Jared was used to them, he hadn't notice Jensen wasn't offering any words to go along with them.

Tonight, Jensen's head was pounding. He tried to take some Aleve with dinner, but could barely stomach the sandwich he'd made for himself. He knew he had to eat something because the seizure meds he took twice daily needed to be taken with food. He had been so distracted by everything in his world that he hoped he hadn't missed a dose.

Jensen used to be so meticulous about everything in his environment. The post-it notes on his furniture, the clothing he wore, the daily med schedule he lived by. However, after being paired with the evil creature, and Jared being physically and emotionally distant, Jensen's life was flying off the rails. He tried again to swallow the Aleve, but only got one of the two tablets down. It would have to do. His hands were shaking, and his head was exploding. He took a beer from the fridge, drank it down and went to bed.

He didn't know if Jared made it home or not.

Mark had been in court most of the week, but was expected back in the office this afternoon. Jensen decided to work from home. He didn't have it in him to deal with that smarmy little Englishman today.

He initially wanted to call in sick, as his head was still hurting, but he had work folders with him, so he requested a work from home day. As a rule, PDLK wanted their employees in the office every day, but Joe, and especially Paige, Jared's and Joe's sister, always gave Jensen a work from home day when he needed one. Jensen never exploited that courtesy.

Jared had come home very late last night. Jensen found that out when Jared woke early, kissed him on the head, and rushed out of their townhouse. Jensen didn't think Jared had even said "Good morning."

He knew Jared didn't say "Good bye."

Jensen inhaled deeply, and let it out slowly. His fingers trembled as he rubbed his temples. Even at home, working with Mark was taking a toll on him.

He knew what a gift it was to have been hired by the prestigious PDLK law firm. Not many places would interview, let alone consider hiring an attorney who couldn't speak fluently, so Jensen never took for granted this once-in-a-lifetime employment opportunity. He certainly did not want to blow it.

At first, he believed his hiring was a favor to Jared, their well-loved littlest brother. But Jensen poured his heart and soul into this job, and soon proved his quiet worth. Unfortunately, to keep his job and be the attorney he had aspired to be his whole life, Jensen needed to suck it up and remain Sheppard's valuable side-kick.

Either that, or return to work as a paralegal at his uncle's firm. Jensen had sacrificed too much to go backwards.

His stomach cramped at the idea, so he put on his reading glasses and opened the folder for the case he and Mark were currently working on.

Almost immediately, Jensen's adrenaline kicked in and flooded his system; he felt lightheaded and dizzy, and his heart rate soared.

Sitting in his home office, his hands began shaking in earnest. The fight or flight response he was experiencing was almost too much to resist.

Slow it down, Jensen. Slow it down.

He loved being a lawyer, but could not stand working with Sheppard.

He touches me, makes fun of me, talks dirty to me, and calls me names. He tears up my notes and has no respect for me…

He took in deep, measured breaths trying to keep the panic at bay.

Why does Mark have any power over me? Why does my livelihood depend on this terrible person? Shit Shit Shit

Jensen pounded and pounded his fists on his heavy wooden desk.

Jesus I'm a mess. What is wrong with me? Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.

Jensen forced his hands into his lap, and continued breathing-in deep, holding his breath for several counts and letting it out slowly.

I can fix this. If I stand up for myself, I can fix this. Jared can help by giving me direction. I can fix this. If I ask him. I can fix this. Please, God, help me fix this.

After several more minutes of taking deep, measured breaths, and listening to his inner monologue, his mind began to settle. He drank some water, walked out into their garden and pulled his scattered thoughts together.

He needed help with this situation, that much was clear. He needed to get his shit together and talk to Jared. He wanted Jared's input, insight, and recommendations. Jared would be patient and wise, especially if he knew how badly Jensen was suffering. All Jensen had to do was tell him. Jared would never know how to help, if Jensen didn't get the fucking words out and talk to him.

I need to talk to Jared, and make him listen. Once he knows what is going on, he will want to help me. I can make this stop.

Reluctantly, he resorted to what Jared hated. Jensen wrote down the conversation he wanted to have with him, word for word.

Finally, he had finished writing down all the words he could. He took one more breath, reread the discussion he and Jared would be having, and Jensen's blood pressure settled; his shaking hands calmed.

Now, Jensen could address the law case sitting in the folder on his desk. He put on his readers, began his research so he could make Mark look good in front of the judge, and waited for Jared to come home.

Jared rushed into their townhouse. His eyes were red and his lips were bitten raw.

Jensen followed him into the kitchen with his stacks of prepared notes. "Jay? I have to…? Jay?"

"I can't, Jensen. I need to process what's going on." He looked over, and his eyes softened. "I'm sorry. I need some time. This is…this has never happened to me before, and I don't know what to do. I've got to defend myself against a malicious lie. There's a lot at stake, more than just my job, and I gotta come up with…" He shook his head vigorously. "I have to work things out on my own. I promise we'll talk, but not now."

"Is it? Are you…?" Jensen tried catching any word he could. But it was no use. Jared had already gone and shut himself into his office.

Jensen looked sadly at his perfectly composed notes, and tossed them into the trash.

After that, Jared had been silent, and so had Jensen.

Today, Jensen was back in the office, helping Mark with his opening statement. Jensen took notes and listened for anything that needed to be fact-checked, or for anything that was blatantly false. Mark often got carried away by his own pomposity, and frequently went off script. Occasionally, he had to be reined in from making statements that the opposing counsel could ding him on. Jensen hated to admit how well Mark performed because, while he was a gifted lawyer, he was a truly vile individual.

During Mark's pontificating to the imaginary jury, Joseph Padalecki knocked softly.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt you guys. Boy, Mark, you sound great, and I don't even know the case." Joe smiled over at Jensen. "Tanya said you came by to see me. Is there something you need?" He beamed at his new PDLK all-stars. "I want you both to know how pleased I am with your work. I had hoped it was a match that would work, and it has. Better than I ever imagined. So, Jensen? Comments? Questions?"

Mark sat and smirked. He knew there was no way Jensen could complain about him. After all, the head of the company had just complimented them to high heaven.

Jensen cleared this throat, "I…I…" then shook his head.

"Okay, good! I'm proud of you, man." Joe said, affably. "How about you, Mark? Everything going well with you?"

"I could not be happier with this arrangement. As long as I have Jensen by my side, there's no doubt whatsoever that this is the firm I'll be staying with for many, many years to come."

"We are fortunate to have you, Mark. I'm glad you decided to give PDLK a chance."

Mark's eyes slid over to Jensen. "I am, too."

"Good." Joe clapped his hands. "Come by to see me anytime." He turned as he left, saying, "Great job, you two."

After Joe left, Mark turned to Jensen and laughed. Jensen kept his eyes on the paperwork.

"There. You see, my hushed little whisperer, we are destined to be together for many, many years to come."

Jensen pressed his lips together, and blinked the moisture from his eyes. He grabbed a black Sharpie and a yellow highlighter, and went to work on the files in front of him, wondering if he wouldn't have been better off had Amell done a better job, and finished him off properly.

"Jensen?" Jared's voice was soft and careful.

Jensen lifted his head from the desk in his den. He blinked up at Jared and yawned.

"Looks like you fell asleep at your desk. Is everything all right?" Jared sat quietly.

Jensen shook his head. He rifled through the papers looking for any words he may have written in advance.

"Can I talk to you for a minute? Then I'll let you get back to what you were doing."

Jensen leaned over and grabbed Jared's wrist. "Stay. Talk. To me. I need you…"

Jared said, "First, I want to apologize for being so withdrawn. I don't know how to handle everything that's going on right now, so I can't expect you to be able to process it either."

Jensen bristled. He was voiceless, but he was perceptive. Jared knew this, so what was that bullshit about?

"The parents," Jared sighed, "uh, Jeanne's parents, have opted for a full, legal hearing on removing her from the school. They…," Jared wiped his eyes, "they have begun legal procedures to censure me for bigotry and discrimination. I don't…I don't know how to deal with this."

He turned his big, wet eyes to Jensen.

"Jay, how?"

What Jensen tried to ask was how could he help. But Jared heard something different.

"How? How could I have let this happen? How, in my professional life, could I have come across as discriminating against a cognitively challenged little girl? What did I do that made them think I was a bigot?"

Jensen shook his head. "No. Jay, I…Jay?"

"I thought you would get it. Get me. You're the last one I would've guessed to ask me how I made this happen." Jared was both angry and sad. "I believed you would have understood how unfairly I've been judged. I didn't expect you to question how I could have…"

Jensen grabbed Jared's hand. He shook his head. "No. I…You…shit."

Jared's eyes were red. "I know I've kept you in the dark about a lot of this. I didn't want all this to interfere with your work. Especially since Joe tells me you and Mark are setting the world on fire over there."

Jensen whimpered.

"Jensen, I know you're having a very successful quarter, and you've found your dream job. One that you worked so long and so hard to attain. Frankly, I thought I had, too. I never, never, considered that something like this could happen to me. But I'm not going to dump on you while you're going so strong. I know it's probably been rough for you, trying to find all the words you need to keep up in your new position. So, I'm going to handle this myself."

"Jay, don't." Jensen's eyes were wet. "Please. Team. Yes?"

"I'm just," Jared huffed, impatiently, "I'm having a hard time watching you soar in your career while I'm tanking so miserably in mine. You are on your way up, making more money than ever, winning cases with your new partner, and becoming so successful. Me? I'm being sued for not providing appropriate teaching services, and am accused of being a racist. I don't think you could understand how extremely difficult this is for me."

Jensen's face was red. "I don't? I don't? I…?"

"I know, Jensen, you always have it harder than everyone else. I even believe that most of the time. But my brother can't stop singing about you and that new guy you're joined at the hip with."

"NO! Stop!"

"I'm sorry." Jared sniffed. "I'm sorry. I'm getting a lot of pressure from everywhere, right now. The school board, the parents, their lawyers, and the school team are all over me. I'll have to meet with my sister regarding the discrimination suit.

"And I don't want to get into it with you, too." Jared stood. He didn't look Jensen in the eye. "I, uh, I'm going to be staying with Chris and Steve for a while—until I can work things out in my head." He looked up. "And be a better partner for you. I know it's not your fault that I'm feeling this way about your achievements. I know I'm not being fair, and that's why I need to be away for a bit."

"No. No. No."

"I won't stay long, but I need to be away for now."

"No. No. No."

Jared walked into their bedroom, grabbed a worn duffle, and put some clothes into it.

"Jay, no." Tears dripped down Jensen's face. "I…I can't…I need…"

"It's not you. It's me." Jared looked anywhere but at Jensen. "I won't be gone long."

He left without looking back.

Jensen sank to the ground; tears falling off his chin, wondering how this happened. What could he have done differently to give Jared what he needed so he would stay?

What did I do to make him leave me? Why do the people I love leave me?

Here he was. On the floor of the bedroom, he shared with the love of his life—who just walked out on him.

Here he was. Working many thankless hours with a horrible man, so Jensen could continue to work as an attorney.

Here he was. Alone.

Without Jared, it's all for nothing.

His thoughts travelled over to Danneel. His first love, who left him when he needed her most.

And Jared, accusing Jensen of not understanding his misery, when all Jensen needed was a little more time finding the right words.

More than anything, he wanted Jared to know he could understand and would stand by him, no matter what. But Jared didn't wait for any of Jensen's words to come to the surface. Jared didn't wait at all.

Yet, amid all of Jared's distress, Jensen selfishly wanted him to know how desperately Jensen needed him. Needed his help. Needed his understanding with how miserable he was.

His head ached, his throat was sore, and his heart hurt. He looked at his phone and hovered his thumbs across the screen trying to text Jared. Come home. He wanted to say. Stay with me. And I love you. But while the feelings were there the words were not. He huffed a sob and stood on wobbly legs.

At that moment, the mail slot slammed. Jensen went to the door, hoping against hope that Jared had changed his mind and come home. Sadly, all he saw was the mail scattered on the floor. He picked it up, and amid the bills and adverts, was a formal letter addressed to him.

Stephen Amell had requested, and been granted, a new hearing on appeal.

Jensen was a zombie the next morning. He showered, dressed, and went to work. He put in headphones to blot out Mark's voice. He looked annoyed, but Jensen couldn't hear him, so, it didn't concern him.

Reprimand me, sue me, fire me. I really don't care.

Jensen was steeped in sadness, and chest deep in the quagmire with no way out.

There had been no texts from Jared, even though Jensen had finally been able to send: I do understand. I love you. Please come home.

Jared snubbing Jensen's words hurt more than his absence.

Marks lips were moving, so Jensen turned up the volume on Bach's Brandenburg Concerto Number Four.

The outrage creasing that tiny ogre's face was the only thing that cheered Jensen all day.

The happy strings of Concerto Number Five started up, and Jensen paged through Amell's parole paperwork. There was a date set for the hearing and, with a little delving, Jensen found that some wannabe hotshot lawyer had agreed to take Stephen's case pro bono.

Jensen rubbed his eyes. Amell had a shot of getting a reduced sentence.

He could get out.

A deep, cold shudder ran through him. He tried shaking it off, but that made it worse. Amell was Jensen's living nightmare. Amell had left Jensen in a world of lost hopes, lost love, and lost words. Every time Jensen had to read the word Refrigerator, call for an Uber, or fight a migraine, it was because of Stephen Amell.

And when the weather was damp, and Jensen limped even with his braced knee, it was another reminder that Jensen had once been a strong, promising, young athlete with a football scholarship, a beautiful fiancée, and a hopeful future.

None of that applied to him, now.

Concerto Number Five had long ended, and all that was left was white noise and wordless lips. Jensen didn't even try to speak. He didn't address Mark, even when Mark touched him. Not even a flinch.

He didn't text Jared.

That's how he carried on for the next several days. He did his job steadily and silently.

He was in on-time, and left promptly at the end of the day, going home to an empty townhouse.

Jensen didn't bring any work home, but often asked his Uber driver to stop at Linda's Liquors on the way.

Some hours or days later, Jensen woke up on the floor. He was mildly surprised, because he couldn't remember how he got there. He didn't think he fell but he did feel…odd. Not drunk or sick, but like he was underwater. Every movement he made was sluggish and slow. His eyes were blurring in and out of focus, either staring at the gray carpet or the white ceiling. He blinked slowly, not exactly sure what he was supposed to be doing. He was home, but something was wrong. His head ached. He should call someone.

Jensen felt around for his phone, but when he found it, he couldn't get his fingers to work. He squinted at the screen.

Jared's name was lit up with a new text. Jensen's hands began shaking. Oh, no. He was afraid. Afraid Jared was saying good-bye for good. And doing it by text. No. No. No.

Jensen needed to tell him stuff first. Tell Jared he would quit his awful job if he would come home. Jensen only kept working at PDLK because he wanted to financially help their partnership when Jared went to work on a teacher's salary.

Jensen sniffed. He didn't want to soar above Jared. He never wanted that.

He hated working with Mark. He hated the way Mark looked at him, touched him, whispered to him. He had to let Jared know that.

Jensen shuddered and kept shuddering until his phone dropped out of his hand and skittered away.

Where are you, Jared? Why aren't you here?

He began blinking and blinking.

Someone was knocking on the door, calling his name.

"Hey. Hey, Jen?"

Jensen patted his hand around, desperately trying to locate his…trying to find his…his phone…find his phone…he…needed his phone…

He heard Jared gasp, then Jared's beautiful, scared face was right in front of him. Jensen reached out to touch it, to see if it was actually him. Jared grabbed onto Jensen's outstretched hand.

"Oh my God, Jensen, what happened? Are you hurt? Talk to me, please. Are you hurt?"

Jared ran his hands over Jensen's head and neck. "Can you tell me what happened? Can you say something? Anything at all?"

Jared was here, and he sounded frightened. Jensen wasn't afraid, but, then, he wasn't exactly sure what he was feeling, what was going on, or why were they on the floor. His knee was hurting like a bitch.

Jensen cocked his head to the side. Opened his mouth, and nothing came out. So, he shrugged and squeezed Jared's hand.

"Jen, you...you've had a seizure. I'm going to get you up on the bed, okay? Please let me know if I hurt you? Can you do that?"

Jensen blinked and licked his lips. Jared made a soft, sobbing sound, hugged him close and lifted him up. Jensen tried to hug him back, but he was a mass of uncoordinated muscle and limbs. Now, he was getting concerned.

Jared's stuttered breathing wasn't helping.

Jared laid Jensen on the bed and undid the top buttons of his shirt. "When did they start, Jen? Have you been...have you been here a long time...dammit." Jensen felt Jared shake as he loosened his clothing.

"I panicked when Tanya called and said you hadn't been at work for a couple of days." Jared's voice trembled as he stroked Jensen's hair away from his face. "Nobody could get in touch with you."

Jensen licked his lips and found they tasted awful. His mouth was dry, his pants were wet, and the room stank of urine. He tried to focus, but noticed that Jared was underwater, too.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here." Jared took his phone out and called someone.

One of Jared's hands cupped the back of his head while he made the call.

"I never meant to be gone this long," he whispered. "I'm sorry I left you. But I'm here, now, Jensen. You're not alone. Can you hear me?"

Jensen's eyes blurred again. This time with tears. He wanted to ask Jared something, but the room abruptly lit up with a great blue light. It was lovely, but the burnt tar smell made it unpleasant.

"Jensen, you're having another seizure." Jared's breath hitched in his throat. "I've called an ambulance for you. They'll be here soon."

Jensen looked to the left, watching his arm slowly raise high over his head. When he sucked in a breath, his head snapped back onto the mattress. The last thing he heard was Jared saying, "You're okay, Jen. You're gonna be okay. I should never have left. God, I should have…"

It had been a long time since Jensen had a seizure. Even longer since he had more than two in a row. Seizures were another result of the brain damage Amell had inflicted upon him.

If Jensen took his meds properly, which he usually did, his seizures were well controlled. However, he sometimes had break-through seizures. These were mild, absence or petit mal type seizures. While those seizures were benign and fleeting, they came often enough to keep him from being able to drive.

Apparently, he'd had several tonic-clonic grand mal seizures over the course of two days. He was annoyed, embarrassed, sore, and emotionally hurt beyond belief.

He had been alone and uncared for when they struck. Jensen had no words for how betrayed he felt. Jared was the one who professed to love him best and he wasn't there.

Deep down, Jensen knew he wasn't being fair. He was an adult and responsible for his own health and medication schedule, but had his partner been around, Jared would have noticed how badly Jensen was struggling and given him comfort. Comfort, strength, and help.

He would not have ended up on the bedroom floor in piss-soaked pants for two days.

Jensen would have given that same strength and comfort to Jared, if he had let him. They were a team. Or at least they were.

Jensen raised the head of his hospital bed and looked out the window. The sun was shining and the sky was bright and cloudless.

However, Jensen's heart was dark and shadowed. Danni, the first love of his life, left him while he lay grievously injured. Then, his next love, his best love, Jared, left when Jensen needed him, as well.
Jared did not wait as he promised he would. For if he had, Jensen would have found the right words, and told him of the battles he'd been fighting. Including the battles with his health.

If Danni left him, and Jared left him, and they were both amazing people, then Jensen must not be worth sticking around for.

Unfortunately, at this moment, it didn't matter how long anyone waited, because Jensen had no words at his disposal at all. None. They had all been swallowed down into the black hole in his brain, which had been short-circuiting for the past two days.

The neurologist assured him that this current aphasia was temporary. They started him back on his seizure meds, and were slowly bringing up his levels. They wanted his numbers to be stable, and the seizures to be in full remission before they let him go home.

But, where was home, now? He had moved out of his own apartment long ago, and moved in with Jared.

He had nothing to say to Jared right now, even if he could. So, he tried texting Jeff. It had taken him nearly five hours to put together enough syllables to contact his uncle. It was Jeff who was sitting next to his hospital bed right now.

"Why didn't you call me sooner—before all this happened?" Jeff leaned forward so he was directly in Jensen's line of sight. "I would have helped. You don't need to work yourself to death, Jensen. You have nothing to prove to anyone."

Jensen closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Jen, I, uh, spoke to Jared."

Jensen's eyes snapped open.

"He told me you were having trouble at work, but he didn't know much more than that."

Jensen gripped the sheets to keep his composure.

He didn't know because he didn't talk to me.

"Why didn't you tell him?"

Jensen snorted. "He…Jared…he…" Jensen tilted his chin toward the door.

Jeff narrowed his eyes. "He left. I know."

He shot Jeff a look.

Jeff shrugged. "He told me that, too."

Jensen lost his battle with the anger he was holding onto. Sorrow filled that void, and tears leaked from the corner of his eyes.

"Why did he leave?" Jeff's voice was kind. "Do you know?"

Jensen wiped his eyes. He pointed at himself, then to his head and brushed his hands away dismissively.

Jeff cocked an ear to the side, trying to interpret Jensen's gestures. "He said you didn't know something? Know about something?"

Jensen moved his hand back and forth in the "sort of" or "maybe" fashion.

"I said he didn't understand." Jared stood in the doorway. His eyes were red and his skin was pale. "I said he couldn't understand what I was going through."

Jensen turned away. Jeff looked angry.

Jared took a small step forward. "I told him that he couldn't possibly know what I was suffering through at my work, since everything at his work was going so well for him. I was worse than wrong about that."

Jensen shut his eyes and tried not to listen.

"Jensen doesn't want you here," Jeff said, half-heartedly.

Jared nodded I know, but asked softly, "Jensen, can I have five minutes? Please? Then, if you want, I'll leave."

Jensen looked at Jeff, who seemed ready to toss Jared out if Jensen gave the go-ahead. He looked at Jeff, then at the door, letting Jeff know it was okay to wait outside.

"I'm timing you, Jared. I'll be back in exactly five minutes."

"I understand."

When Jeff closed the door, Jared asked, "May I sit?"

Jensen jutted his chin toward the chair. The sooner Jared broke it off with him the better. Then, he would ask Jeff if he could move into his guest bedroom until he found his own place.

"Jensen, I am so sorry. I did the exact opposite of what I have always promised you. I did not wait for you to tell me what was on your mind. I was so far into my own problems, that I didn't realize you were crashing and burning. If I had kept my promise, maybe none of this would have happened."

Jared indicated the hospital room.

"This, and all the rest of it, is my fault, and, and…" Jared wiped his eyes, "if there is anything I can do to make it up to you, anything I can do to persuade you to give me another chance, I will. I love you. I really do, although the way I've been treating you made it seem otherwise."

Jensen swallowed and took a breath. "Jared…you…" but that was all he had. He still was able to come up with Jared's name, but not much else.

"Since I am your emergency contact, and our address is the same, I told the hospital staff that we were in a committed relationship. Jeff didn't contradict me, so I was updated on your status. They told me you must have missed taking your seizure medications for a few days, causing you to have several generalized tonic-clonic seizures in a row. That messed with your brain chemistry a bit, but they will have you back on track in the next few days. You'll be fine in no time."

Jensen coughed into his hand and tried again. "That's…that's…good."

Jared scooted his chair close to Jensen's bed. He leaned in and whispered, "I'm sorry, Jensen. I'm sorry for everything. Please try to believe in me again."

Jensen dropped his head. He had a hard time looking at Jared when Jay was such a mess.

Jared continued, softly, "When they discharge you, please consider coming home with me. I need to be with you. I need you with me. I want, I need to try to make up for how I let you down. I promise…I promise I won't ever do that again. I know, I know, I've promised you that before and I broke that promise…"

Jared put his hands up to his face and rocked side to side.

"Shit, Jensen, I am so, so sorry..."

Jensen heard the stuttered sobs as Jared's heart broke into a million pieces at Jensen's bedside.

"Can you...can you try and forgive me, please? Please, just try?"

Jeff stuck his head in the doorway, and Jensen waved him away. He took Jared's wrist and shook it so Jared would look at him.

When Jared raised his head, his eyes were wet and swollen red. Jensen looked into those wet, red eyes and slid his palm into Jared's. He firmly braided the fingers of their two hands together and held tight.

Jared squeezed back and held both their hands to his chest. "Can you forgive me?"

Jensen made a small, non-committal shrug-nod.

Jared saw Jensen's hesitancy and tried and failed to hold back a sob. "Will you come back home?"

Jensen pulled Jared's hand over to kiss each one of Jared's knuckles. He let his hand go, looked at him sadly, and shook his head, no.