Chapter Text
Dazai gently brushed his fingertips along the purple irises, feeling the moist, soft petals. He picked up the bouquet, walking
up to the counter of the small flower shop.
“Just this.” Dazai said, putting the flowers down on the marble countertop.
“Would you like to put a tag on it?” the florist asked, putting on a professional smile while wrapping their fingers around the base of the flowers, picking them up to scan them. “We do decorative ones for free on Fridays.”
“Sure,” he replied, looking at the options the florist put on the counter for him. “I'll do this one.” It was a light-yellow tag with a golden, sparkly border in the shape of a heart, a little ‘To’ and ‘From’ in the middle of the tag.
“Nice choice,” The florist reached their hand out to pick up the yellow tag, opening a drawer and shuffling stuff around in search of a pen. “Name for from?” They asked.
“Dazai” he said, as the florist quickly started to print the name in neat cursive on the ‘From’ section of the tag.
“To?”
“Chuuya”
Dazai walked through the annoyingly bright hospital halls. Multiple noises filled the air, shoes tapping against the floor, some hurried and some at an average pace, the ding of elevators reaching their destinations, and most of all, the voices.
Sometimes it was screaming, or grunting. At other times it was reassuring words that don't always sound confident. The least distressing was just some simple chatter of Docters, surgeons,
and nurses.
Dazai never really liked hospitals for many reasons, including noise. But today and just like all the other days he tunes them out. It's not easy most of the time. He’ll do what he must though.
For Chuuya.
When he knocks on room 158 the light-brown wooden door creaks softly. A tall man with light blonde hair appears in the doorway: Verlaine.
“Dazai” Verlaine nods in greeting. “I was just leaving.” Verlaine says moving out of the doorway.
Dazai doesn't miss the way Verlaine moves away slowly, almost hesitantly. Verlaine has never liked Dazai much, but Dazai would be lying if he said he cared. He never bothered to figure out why either. Be it Verlaine thought he wasn't good enough for Chuuya or he didn't want Chuuya to have a boyfriend or something else entirely.
Whatever the reason may be, it's the least of his worries.
“Verlaine” Dazai greets in a similar style.
Verlaine glances down at the bouquet of flowers in Dazai’s hands. His eyes narrowed slightly, but he quickly replaced the look with a small, but sharp smile.
“I see you brought some irises. Are they for Chuuya? If they are I would be more than happy to take them for you and deliver them to him.” Verlaine reached out his hand, not giving Dazai a choice.
Dazai knows Verlaine is not saying that or doing this out of an act of kindness, no, he knows Verlaine better than that. Verlaine simply doesn't want Dazai to see Chuuya. Although Verlaine has never approved of their relationship, he’s never explicitly said so.
Instead of doing so he gives quiet hints about it. Telling Dazai that Chuuya isn't home, – when he very clearly is – saying Chuuya is sick and can't go out, giving a disapproving face when Dazai and Chuuya show their relationship. The list goes on.
As amusing as it may sound, Dazai didn't come here to piss off Verlaine. He came here for a better reason.
“There's no need.” Dazai painted a false smile onto his face. “I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself.” Dazai moved his hand away from Verlaine's grasp.
Verlaine did a fine job of hiding his reaction. He was still levels away from fooling Dazai though. He could practically feel the burning of the fire in Verlaine's eyes.
“Suit yourself.” Verlaine placed a hand on Dazai’s shoulder as a friendly act of saying goodbye (that he forced himself to do) before walking off and disappearing among the small crowds of people gathered in the hospital halls.
He let out a small sigh of relief when Verlaine left. It was draining to talk to a guy who hated him, but he still had to talk to.
No more distractions, Dazai thought to himself as a placed his hand on the door to push it open since Verlaine had closed it slightly.
When he opened the door, his heart dropped. He’s been met with this sight countless times, yet it still affected him each time.
Chuuya hooked up to tubes, wires, and other medical equipment. His skin was as pale as snow. He had a very slim frame; his cheek bones were unnaturally prominent compared to most people and his body was frail. His skin was also cold to the touch, not a single ounce of warmth.
None of these things were as agonizing as one factor.
One cruel factor that never changed no matter how much time passed.
Chuuya’s eyes never opened.
Dazai walked over to the seat next to the hospital bed, plopping down on it. He delicately took one of Chuuya’s bony hands into his, pressing a soft kiss to it.
“Hi, Chuuya.” Dazai murmured, stroking his hand gently with his thumb, being careful not to cause any bruises. That seems to be happening a lot to Chuuya lately. “I brought you some flowers. They’re Irises, I thought they looked nice with your hair.”
Dazai reached over to the small table on the side of the bed to put down the bouquet.
“I’ll have to get a vase to put them in tomorrow.” He smirked slightly “Geez, Chuuya you're a lot of work, I can't believe how helpless you're acting towards me.” He teased.
He knew that if Chuuya was awake right now he would blow up at Dazai saying something along the lines of ‘I'm not a lot of work, your just being lazy.’ or ‘I'm not helpless you're the one that can't even make a sandwich without bitching and moaning.’ With an aggravated eye roll, but there was always warmth in his eyes.
Oh, how Dazai misses Chuuya’s eyes.
Dazai frowns, shaking himself out of it. God he really needs to get a grip. What's happened has happened. He just needs to be patient until Chuuya wakes up, not sulking about how he can't see Chuuya’s eyes.
“Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you about Kenji's birthday two... no three days ago, God it was hilarious, slug! You would be dying laughing. Okay, okay, so everyone was having a fun time, right? The kids and some of their parents were in the pool having fun while our friends were just hanging out in the backyard.
Kaji drags Higuchi and Yosano into playing catch with one of those foam football dart things. So, then Kaji threw it at Higuchi hard to scare her, but it ended up hitting poor Atsushi. Atsushi then bumped into Akutagawa and Akutagawa face planted into the cake! Oh lord you should have seen the look on that poor man's face!” Dazai grinned goofily half expecting to get a response, but none ever comes.
“Ah, Chuuya you would most likely be scolding me right now for finding that funny but secretly you would be laughing on the inside.” Dazai sighs, still smiling.
“I should probably set my alarm before I forget shouldn't I, Chuuya?” Dazai asks, already taking out his phone and setting an alarm for 6AM tomorrow.
Dazai stayed up until 1AM talking to Chuuya before slumping in his chair and giving into the sleepiness.
“Chuuya..” Dazais voice had been glazed with exhaustion. “Wanna know the real reason I got you irises?” Chuuya never cared for irises, he always liked Tiger lilies. Dazai thought it fit him. Tiger lilies symbolize wealth, prosperity, and strength. In short, very Chuuya like.
“I said I got them because they looked nice with your hair, but I really got them because they represent hope.” He brushed his hand over Chuuya’s, holding it gently.
There was only one thought in his mind before he gave in to sleep. Not how to pay for college, not how to pay for food, not how to get better grades. Not any of that. It was more of a question anyway.
When would Chuuya wake up?
Dazai awoke to early morning hospital sounds. He groaned, all the noises were giving him a headache already, and it was only-
Dazai reached his hand out to the nightstand in an attempt to blindly find his phone. His head had to have fallen onto the bed sometime in the night since he was sitting on the rather uncomfortable off-white chair with his head face down on the bed sheets. It was not the best position to sleep in, since he could already feel the soreness in his back.
Dazai lifted his head up, brown hair encaging his face.
He looked over to the small stand and grabbed his phone, brown hair sticking up in every direction. He clicked the small button on the side of the phone, turning it on to check the time.
-5:24AM. He never thought he would be in a hospital about every other day. It sure wasn't the way he wanted to spend his college life.
He sighed, figuring there was no way he could fall back asleep. He was just glad he didn’t sleep through his alarm; He couldn’t miss anymore class credits. He’s already been late so many times, each time reducing points from his grade slightly.
His eyes drifted back to Chuuya. He reached his hand out slowly, gently tucking a piece of red hair behind Chuuya’s ear. Chuuya’s hair looked a lot duller now, his skin was also blanched. Chuuya’s pale skin matched the winter beyond the hospital window nicely. He just wished his skin was pale under a different circumstance.
“Mornin’ Chuu.” Dazai smiled as he lifted himself from the chair and stood by the bed Chuuya spent roughly a year on. He never moved once. Not even a twitch of his fingers.
Well, he at least never moved by himself. The nurses would occasionally come in and change the sheets, give Chuuya a bath to keep him clean, that sort of stuff. They always made sure to wear a polite smile if they weren't wearing their masks. Though, He could tell they were tired of him staying past visitor hours and having to tell him to leave all the time.
Today, an example.
The door creaked open as a nurse walked into the room, a clipboard in hand. She was surprisingly tall, just a few inches shorter than Dazai. Her hair was light brown, waist long, and braided. Her eyes we're a dark forestry green color. Dazai had seen her quite a few times during his visits to the hospital. They had a silver name plate attached to their scrubs. It read ‘Meiko.’
Meiko was the only one who didn't care about Dazai visiting Chuuya at any time. Truthfully, She was very appealing to Dazai's tastes, although he knew they had no interest in him.
(He once asked her to join him on a double suicide, but she politely declined by saying, 'Im sorry, Im not interested. Also, don't you have a boyfriend?' Though It was as a joke of course He would never cheat on Chuuya. Hell, not even if Chuuya had to move to the other side of the world for sixty years and they had no communication.)
“Good morning.” The nurse greeted with a kind smile. “I’m just here to check Mr. Nakahara’s vitals, you’re welcome to stay if you want.”
Dazai nodded quietly, indicating that he was staying. The nurses often came to check Chuuya’s vitals, just in case there was a sign of waking up. Or the opposite.
As the nurse checked Chuuya’s vitals in swift movements Dazai couldn’t help but worry about the results. Chuuya had been colder than usual, it could’ve just been the passing winter, but the room was heated to a comfortable temperature.
Meiko took a medical thermometer off the light blue shelf next to the hospital desk. They walked to where Mr. Nakahara was laying. Meiko did good work to keep their face carefully blank as they looked at Mr. Nakahara, he was unusually pale in comparison to the last time she checked in on him.
The nurse quickly went through all the processes of checking Mr. Nakahara's vitals before stepping back over to the desk to review the results. Her gaze traveled down to the clipboard she held in her arms. Meiko frowned as she reviewed the results. She knew they were arguably unhealthy while she was checking them, but all of it put together made her brows furrow as a grimace stretched over the nurse's face.
Dazai thought he heard the nurse mutter something under her breath while she was studying the clipboard, but it was to faint for Dazai’s ears to make out. Dazai could hear his heartbeat quicken as the nurse turned around with an apologetic look on her face.
He had worried about this outcome every single time the nurses came in to check on Chuuya. No matter how hard he tried to think positively or how healthy Chuuya looked at the time, the dread always came back.
It was like a starving animal stalking its prey. The prey always knew they would eventually get eaten by the predator, Dazai had been waiting for this to happen.
He had just been waiting for Chuuya's heartbeat to stop, for the blood to stop filling his body with warmth, for his skin to turn white as snow. He’d always known he wouldn’t be able to keep Chuuya as soon as he went into a coma.
The only thing that was keeping him from succumbing to the despair was the ugly human urge to keep holding onto what he was given.
Although Dazai didn’t always feel human, he clinged onto Chuuya like anyone else would in this situation. Humans often liked to drown in the happiness for as long as possible, not thinking about the hurt that could come after.
Dazai thought he knew better than most of the people who walked this cruel earth, but he couldn’t let go of Chuuya. He’d tried before they got together, but Dazai would always come crawling back to Chuuya at some point.
He looked back at the nurse, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve nervously while waiting for them to say something.
The nurse hesitated before opening their mouth.
“His results aren’t normal; they are significantly low.” She paused, giving him a few seconds. “We’ll have to put him on a ventilator.” She internally winced, there was more to say but she couldn’t bring herself to force the words out of her mouth.
Dazai could foretell that she would tell him Chuuya wasn’t in a good condition, he already knew that. But, he had this nagging feeling that she wasn’t telling him everything, that there was something else important about Chuuya’s health.
Dazais throat was dry as he swallowed, “Is that all?” He forced his voice to be as even as possible as he gave the nurse an expecting glance.
“Unfortunately, no.” They replied gently. “If we put him on a ventilator he has a high risk of pneumonia considering why he was first brought here. Although, if we don’t put him on one.” The nurse hesitated.
“Mr. Nakahara won’t make it to the end of Winter.”